Resurrected Life

Praising His Breath in Honduras 2010 

"Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery"

Revelation. One of my favorite songs of worship. Our church sang it's anthem of praise this morning in worship. It wasn't until 2008-2009 I understood what "awestruck wonder" meant and what it felt like. 

I mean, my husband and I welcomed four beautiful bundles fresh from Heaven and they each took our breath away, first from the physical pain (totally) and then from the awed wonder of looking upon these fresh souls from Heaven.

But there's another wonder that touches the deepest part of my soul, a marvelous "awestruck wonder" only Heaven Himself could be. "At the mention of Your Name Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water. Such a marvelous mystery!!" The Name of Jesus...the gasp of my soul.

When the panic attacks flooded my body beginning in December 2008, they literally took away my breath. Sharp pains flashed through my chest and left arm, my depressed lungs held captive by the pain, my heart creating it's own tempo. My world closed in while thoughts spun around at the outer edge of my conscience. The deepest part of me was raging, attempting to process this sudden crisis, looking for the way out. 

As the wave of panic and adrenaline would begin to swell up from my mid-stomach like the contraction of a laboring new Mother, rising into my lungs, suffocating my breath, heart fluttering in terror, my body became paralyzed from movement. I spun but the world was too.

Lifting my right hand over my heart, I calmly yet desperately inhaled a deep breath, and patted firmly on my chest, speaking words of worship in the weakest of voice, proclaiming to My God and my enemy Who and Where my Help was coming from, Who I trusted to save me and give me my breath of life back. Often the only words I could utter were "Be still my soul, be still." These lyrics come from a beautiful song Kari Jobe recorded. You can listen to it (click here.) 

With a spirit that grew into worshipful surrender, I learned to breath through the random, painful contractions of my body and mind, leaning into The One Who sustained every exhale of my shallow breaths. 

This may be the very season the Lord removed from me the desire for alcohol (calling me into a commitment of abstinence in 1994) so many years ago, for this season may have been a time to escape with it. Instead, I had my Jesus and beautiful oils to aid my mind and heart, and prayer. 

He held me one breath at a time as I surrendered in worship, trust and patience. Having been through four childbirths, I understood the importance of relaxing and breathing through these pain-filled, overwhelming minutes, seeming to have no end or repreave, until it simply did. 

I would sit there, wiping away the secret tears caught in the hands of my Savior, quietly regrouping myself there on the couch, in the car, at the store, at a friends house, even at church on a pew, only sometimes to encounter another soon after. The exhaustion was intense and sudden, as if a burst of energy had me running down the street yet I was seated. 

They were random and unpredictable, and private. I excused myself to escape embarrassment or shame, mostly the attention of something being wrong. I barely handled the truth of my situation, how could I have possibly exposed this fear to another only to have no words to explain it and no real way for them to stop it for me?! 

Confusion and pride helped me escape attention. I got busy and had a bigger smile each time. If I was pacing, I was panicking. But to anyone watching, I was a good helper and great cleaner!! All my mind could think was "This is the end of you and your encouragement ministry, children's and women's ministry. You're done." 

Panic turned to depression each day the attacks rolled through. I not only had to process losing my circumstantial control and identity, but my hopeful one day ministry. I grieved daily. The more I fought against it, the more the anxiety and sadness consumed my soul.

2008

As a Mother soothes her scared or hurting crying baby, gently but firmly patting them on their back, I sought and found the same rescue of my Abba Father over me as my heart and soul cried out for a deep need of rescue. 

Most often in trembling breath, the whisper of His Name, Jesus, was all I could utter. His Name was a soothing balm over my deepest, freshest wound.

My Help and Rescue, my resurrected soul redeemed by Awestruck Wonder and Grace breathed in and out. 

How beautiful and powerful the mention of His Name, Jesus, who is Power, Breath and Living Water, such a marvelous Mystery. 

Awestruck Wonder believed upon, hoped for and trusted. The more I surrendered into His hold, the less I fretted and feared. I had to trust Him to be Who He said He was. He was and is faithful. 

Thankfully, the Lord knew I what I needed even though I didn't want it, I needed His tangible touch. He had already given me a wonderful family even though they were grieving for me too. God sent me trustworthy Sisters in Christ who committed to pray over me, being my strength and focus when I had none. Sometimes the physical strength of those hugs compressed my chest enough to diffuse my trembling heart. 

He synced me with Love poured out and embraced. 

 
This is how Where Faith Is was born. I was terrified of the fear of judgement from others, yet I knew the Lord has asked me to let this be my missional ministry, to care more about not displaying the Glory of The Cross than my own glory/reputation being destroyed. 

I didn't even have words capable, but the Lord, one typed out keyword at a time, one post at a time, one blog at a time, poured out through the screen. Women began reaching out to me secretly sharing they were experiencing the same thing and were so scared. 

One by one the ministry of encouragement took root and spread. The once Professional Mask Wearing Overthinking Fearful Perfectionist who was afraid to disappoint her Savior, learned how to peel it off one thin layer at a time, to the glory of God alone. First through the screen and now whenever I have the opportunity to share, I will. 

Honestly, it's not always easy, it's a thorn in my flesh the enemy tries to press in and make me twinge but I immediately praise the Lord of Wonder there is no sting in death and remind him Who has me.

God is my All in All and He can be yours too, if you believe. Because of the Cross, because of the Grave, because He rose again on the 3rd day, you have Victory in Jesus' Name! Praise the Lord!!
Here on Resurrection Week, I am reminded of the even greater pain endured by my Sweet Savior. His suffering on all of our behalves, Why would He? How could He? Love is the answer. I am awestruck at the Grace Breath of God Who takes away the sins of the world, redeems and heals, restores and refreshes, oh Mighty is He!

 
Resurrection Week, for me, not only celebrates the awestruck wonder that God resurrected my soul from the grave, first with my Salvation, but once again in April 2009, gifting me Life every single day when I thought there was none left in me, but cherishes, adores, worships the very One Who gave His everything, blood poured out, setting straight the narrow path to Peace and Everlasting Life, here and forever more, once and for all. He is Lord. He is Father. He is King. He is mine!! And I am His! This is the mission fuel for living life and doing ministry in His name. Jesus, Faithful Friend and Father. Amen.

My LIFE BREATH Today

Friend, no matter what you are facing today, even when there are no words falling off your lips, or thoughts to utter, may you find the strength to call upon the Name of Jesus and not be overcome by fear and shame, but rather overwhelmed in awestruck wonder at the mention of His Powerful and Mighty Name...Jesus. 

Open your hands and heart to His Healing grace and believe He is with you. He will calm your raging seas. Trust He holds your every moment. Be patient and embrace the awestruck wonder of His Mighty Name. He very much is your Breath and your Refuge in the storms and valleys and in the deepest pits. Rest in His care and inhale the wonder and majesty of Healing Grace. You are not alone. Nothing is impossible for Him. Be still and be held. 

The joy of the Lord will be your strength. In the Name of Jesus we praise in Word and worshiping song and dance, amen and amen.

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" Psalm 61:1-4 ESV

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:1-8, 17-19 ESV

He has my heart forever

"I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again." - Philippians 1:23-26

This was the essence of my conversation with the Lord beginning in December 2008. Better is one day with Him than thousands without, and yet, what about the ministry, the people, the lost, the life, the community, my children, He has given to me to show them Him?!? Who will tell them about The Great I Am? Who would encourage them when they lost hope? Where will the Light shine? Who will be His hands and feet? Please Lord, I wish it could be Me! That has always been my desire and my hope for ministry. I have always lived on mission to love God and others with all my heart but that mission was led by love, yet controlled by fear. 
Today is the 8yr mark of the beginning of what would be a season of redefining, refining, and heavy sifting. It was painful and terrifying, and yet divine. Intense for a season but growth for a lifetime! In that season I was madder than I had ever been at God in my life and then more in love with Him than I had ever been in my life. It was a gloriously intense season. It is one of the times I am thankful God doesn't answer exactly what we ask, but chooses to allow what is for our good, that He may receive all the glory.
Satan may be whispering in your ear...give up...you don't matter...no one will miss you if you're not here...God doesn't really love you like He loves others...you won't ever get over "it"...God won't remain patient with you...you'll never be good enough...etc. LIES!! These are lies from the Father of Lies, the great deceiver.
You are loved, cherished, covered, forgiven, necessary and instrumental to the glory of God! He wants you, others need you!! God has planned a purposeful life for you and only He knows how many days that will be for each of us. The sheep do not instruct the Shepherd, nor does the clay teach the Potter. We are wise to live each day fully, without regret, without fear, without worry. We are called to live victoriously! Even in trials, we are being refined and strengthened as we are walking through Fire which doesn't burn.
So today especially I count it joy for the season of great pain and fear for it was there I came out out of the prison without chains, out of the firery furnace unburned. I walked away from the constant bullying of a goliath.
Jesus is faithful. Jesus is stronger than you. Jesus loves without condition. Christ our Lord forgives, and has already counted the cost of your unbelief and sins and He paid it in full! He loves you!!! When we truly grasp this truth and live our life as if it's true, what joy!
Oh the blessings of seeing Christ exalted these past 8years floods my soul and blows my mind. So many Believers suffer in silence, shamed and embarrassed, so I am challenging you to: 
-tell someone
-pray without ceasing
-fight the war with weapons unseen
-seek others who will fight for you
-walk through the fire courageously anticipating a beautiful refining when you're out the other side
-get stronger not weaker
-memorize and meditate on His promises
-worship in all you say, do and think. 
Need some practical advice?!? I know this sounds impossible right now, but trust me...serve somewhere. I know you probably don't feel like it, but do it! Get outside of your own square footage. Do an act of kindness. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, invite a friend to join you. 
Need even more practical suggestions?!? Drink lots of water, eat a good healthy meal and watch your caffeine intake. Do not just sit around and sulk. Pray without ceasing and count your blessings!! 
More? Start a Blessing Journal and write down one a day. Understand the Love your Father has for you!! Wrap your mind around the the fact He has created you to be His. He sees you right where you are. Nothing escapes Him. Together, we are a city on a hill for the nations! Turn up that worship music and dance! Sing it so the enemy cringes and flees. 
Stay strong and rebuke the lies of the enemy. Satan is not for you. He wants to destroy you. God saves!! God is our joy, peace and hope forever! His Grace is all you need and by faith, when you surrender to His care, He will flood you with Peace that surpasses all understanding. Breath in His Grace and be still that anxious soul. He's got you and He won't let you go!!!
May every day be a day we count as joy to be loved by The Great I Am, for His mercies are new every morning and His heart bleeds for ours. Rejoice always. Give thanks. May this be our battle cry!!! Going to church is not the answer, memorizing Scripture is not the answer, praying loud is not the answer. Jesus is the Answer and resting in Him, worshiping Him and receiving His great love is the fullness of Life! Jesus is not looking for performers or begirds, He is seeking hearts.
Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world. We are more than conquerers! We are His!
Our healing and help begins with Love Himself. Seek Him. If you need more help, reach out to a counselor or pastor and ask for it! It's never too late. Mercies are new every day!
Don't let today's pain keep you from all the tomorrows' blessings!! He's making all things new!! Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!! Thanking God tonight for the grace that soothes our grief and His sovereignty that covers our sorrows.
God knows. God hears. God loves you!
Thankful for Love, Grace, Hearts and Hope!! God, You have my heart!!! Thank You for Yours for me!! In you I rest and live, amen.

Broken Vessels by Hillsong Worship in song here.

Light in the darkness

Sometimes it takes more than a deep breath to ease ourselves in the midst of a panic moment. Those moments when you feel your world tremble, the rug being yanked out beneath you, the stab of betrayal, the punch of loss, pain of illness, the closing in of fear, worry and anxiety, and the unknowns. Mounted ontop of an already scary and evil world we live in. This is still one nation Under God, for the sheer fact He is above us. But we certainly do seem to live or build our country this way. Then again, evil has always been at work and God has always been on the Throne, so some things haven't changed except the date and the route.
I have suffered with anxiety and panic since I was a young girl, terrified of the boogie man and harm coming to me from someone in my community. My parents were involved with Crime Prevention so these were real concerns to a little girl. I heard about all the "stuff" going on in my community and it was frightening. Even in school, I was afraid of being an innocent by-stander getting caught in the midst of evil. These awareness and lack of confidence for a shy and insecure girl often shook my world in tangible ways. My body turned cold, shivering head to toe. 
As I grew older, the fearful attacks grew less and yet I have always lived a life "looking over my shoulder" and always wondering "what if....!" In 2008 when I walked into the darkness of panic and anxiety attacks, my world earthquaked and knocked me off my feet where I fell flat on my face, thankfully right at the feet of Christ my Savior. It was an intense, frightening journey but in the midst of this fire, God refined me. My heart, mind, soul and spirit we reshaped. He showed me how to have Light in the midst of darkness. Of course, being a Google-Everything kind of person, I had immediately begun researching "panic attacks" to learn what to do to stop them. There are so many books and techniques, I studied day and night looking for answers. I made a list that quickly ran dry as I crossed off what didn't work for me. 
Well meaning friends would simply say Just pray or Give it to God, only it wasn't and isn't that simple. There had never been a time I cried and believed as desperately as I was in those moments. This is why I blog my journey. Unless you've been through it, others can't fully understand what it is like or what it takes to get through it breath by breath and moment by moment. This is true of any situation of loss, illness, pain any of us face. Our solution is the same no matter what ails us. Our solution is our Savior!
So, how do you conquer feeling overwhelmed, scared, panicked, worrisome, constantly fearing the next attack, wondering what you had done wrong, wondering what you were missing in your walk with the Lord, wondering why God had allowed this, wondering why it wasn't stopping after every desperate pleaing prayer. How do you comprehend another day living like this. 
It was here in this darkness I learned the Light of Grace, the Light of Hope, the Light of Praise, the Light of Love. All these years I begged and prayed, cried and feared. Finally, Light. "Your Word is lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105" Our only hope is God. Our only rescue is the Blood of Christ. Our only strength is the Holy Spirit within the Believer, leading us towards the Prince of Peace, the Great I Am, our Redeemer, our King. 
If you or a loved one are suffering attacks of any kind in your life and you feel closed in by darkness, may I have the privilege to share with you a few the practical things I did that allowed Light in.... 
~Know you are greatly and dearly loved by God, even if you don't feel loved, you must accept the truth that you are by The God of this universe. Love conquers.
Read Romans 8.
~Saturate yourself in The Word and meditate on Truth, opposing all lies of the evil one. I admit that my first GoTo was Google, not God. It was Tips vs Transformation. I wanted transformation. 
Read Psalm 119.
~Write out Scriptures to keep with you in your pocket or purse. I made laminated Scripture cards for my keychain so I had quick access and could hold them in my hand when I prayed in those moments pulling out the Big Study Bible wasn't practical.
Read Deuteronomy 6.  
~Breath deep. Inhale Grace as you exhale fear, worry, pain, insecurity. You can feel it leaving you, especially when you are allowing it to be a Grace Breath. It will settle your body physically, emotionally and spiritually. 
Read 2 Corinthians 12. 
~Seek Intercessors to pray with and for you. While we are all instructed to pray, God has placed a special call on some Believers to be Prayer Warriors. These people stand tall, strong and firm against the realm we often forget about. They are girded up and ready to fight. Humble yourself and ask them to fight for you. Ask them to lay hands on you and pray over you. Ask them to remember you in prayer. Meanwhile, pray for them to remain faithful and strong as they fight on your behalf. They are putting themselves in the line of direct fire so they certainly need your cover too. 
~Praise everywhere, at all times. Peace is ushered in by praise. Rest in worship. Let it be part of your new nature to seek Him first, above the worry, through the stabbing pain. Inahle Grace and praise Him for never leaving you or forsaking you and loving you like no one else possibly can. Count your blessings and receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl, but to worship from a desperate and hoping and trusting heart is beyond mere pleasantries. 
Read Philippians 4.
~Seek help from Christian counselors. Sometimes we need more than we can give ourselves. Do what you need to do to be led by someone who knows your struggle. You are not alone in your struggle.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I pray these words of mine encourage you to seek The real Words that heal and transform, to the Light of Grace and Love that saves you. Stay strong!!!! 

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Honduras, 2009

Teaching our kids how to Overcome Problems with Praise

It's one thing to teach your kids about how to deal with stressful situations and a whole other to have to show them! Our actions will validate or destroy our words.
After the kids had some dental work done yesterday morning, we headed out for some breakfast and errands before we left the mainland. (It's an 1.5hr drive home.)
PROBLEMS:
Just a few miles from the office at a huge intersection, my car freaks out! My break pedal starting lifting against my foot while I was breaking!! Then the power steering went out!! I was in the turn lane to make a u-turn! That wasn't gonna happen. I didn't even know if I'd get all the way across it before my car died. Or, if I was losing my break and was gonna run into the guy in front of me!
Good news, got to side street, pulled up into sidewalk of street (no curbs here!) I was off to the side safely and under a tree! Next to a gas station!
Turned off car, popped hood-no Fire. No problem! Called mechanic and told me can't drive it. Belt was gone! Called tow truck.
To make long story short, we waited almost 4hrs for tow truck to show up but thanks to generous ladies, we were able to go to store to get drinks and donuts and air conditioning.
The kids were frustrated and I was exhausted and frustrated. Their pain meds also were wearing off! We had left the house at 5:20am and we should have been home at Noon. But here we are sitting at a car repair shop in a city we don't know at 4pm...tired, hungry, not feeling well.
I wanted to loose it.
I wanted to yell at the wreckers for canceling and then being hours later than promised.
I wanted to yell at the insurance company who would only pay to tow it to nearest shop where I broke down and not my own hometown.
I wanted to yell at the kids to stop fussing and complaining.
I wanted to yell at God for not granting us a salary that allows us to have bought a new vehicle.
The kids wanted to yell because they missed rehearsals and our big pool party at church!!
I wanted to yell just cuz I felt like yelling! Somehow yelling will jolt the universe back into a perfect way right?!?
Wrong.
Thankfully I am not an outward exploder...but I do yell inside where only my heart freaks out!
What do we accomplish by yelling? Exploding externally or internally? Nothing. Well, we actually do a lot of damage, accomplishing nothing to move us forward, but only moving us where we feared we would end up...to only end up there because we took ourselves there one step or word at a time.
The shop manager commended me on my calm demeanor and good behavior of bored and tired kids. He said people usually are cursing at this point in a day like ours.

May we be seen as the salt and light of the earth, a city on a hill! Not a torch on a hunt!
PRAISES:
But God.....God has given us glorious provisions. Because yelling accomplishes nothing and praise accomplishes everything!! I had watching eyes and listening ears. I had a God who I trusted was with me helping me manage. I had an opportunity to allow my actions to be my words. As a parent, we say a lot, but how often do we get the chance to show them in real life? How can we overcome our problems? We count our blessings. Disciplining ourselves to find the blessings keeps ours hearts and minds focused on our victory and hope. It keeps Satan from getting a foothold. Remaining calm helps us think and process more clearly.

Counting our blessings:
*We broke down in town at 10mph, not on the freeway at 70mph.
*We broke down in the shade under a tree God provided like Jonah had, not under the open sun.
*We have insurance that covers towing even if it wasn't where I wanted it to take me.
*We met kind Mamas only 5 min away we could trust at the office to take us to a store, we were not left without help.
*While my husband was out of state unable to come help, he was able to talk to us on the phone to offer help.
*We were in a safe place, with air conditioning and wifi, and ice cold sodas to offer!!
*Even though I left so early in the morning, my friend was able to go over and check on my puppy.
*The shop rented us a loaner so we could go eat dinner from 5-6pm while they repaired the belt they just happened to be able to get last minute.

*We we were able to get the car fixed and drive it home.

*Our drive home was uneventful and we arrived safe and sound.

God was actually very gracious to us today and I praise Him for all He allowed to happen and not to happen.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 

Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 6:5-7

I Just Assumed...not any more!

I met a new friend this past week and in our "get to know" moment as we shared our story, a sentence came out of my mouth I had never thought of before and certainly had never said. I can only assume it was a God moment. Sometimes my assumption are right. Sometimes they are wrong.
Being the new (guy) gal in the community, I have been asked close to hundred times now, "What's your story? Why are you here?" Each time I get to share, God reminds me of His plan and the perfection of His timing. Last week was really no different...same testimony, different new friend. After sharing the summary of details and God's divine leading us in our move to Florida, I said these "crazy" words as a summery point of how God has been working on me over the past several years. This phrase came out my mouth for the first time... Assumptive Living. Assumptive Living. I said, "God has taken me from living a life of assumptive living to intentional living." I sat kinda of dumb founded for a minute trying to process why in the world did I just say that. 
Over the past several years, God has been walking me though Intentional Living. So much so, he even brought a dear Mentor and Friend into my life who actually used those words every time she talked. God could not have been obvious. She was a huge part of the refining process my heart and mind needed to endure and be shaped by. Knowing why I do what I do. Choosing to own my actions and not play the blame game in life. Stepping out in courage after the things God calls me to. Being intentional about growing in my knowledge and deepening my love with my Savior and Abba Father. But the years before this....not so much. I intentionally...assumed.
I have always described my personality issues as anxious and shy. One who fears the unknown, a follower not a leader. But then there were these words...Assumptive Living...wow. It was true. I had never thought about that before. For most of my life, I have been fearful and anxious. I feel it inside me, raised blood pressure and heart racing, feeling as if I couldn't breath. Double checking everything I do in fear of judgement, which would lead to fear of rejection. Ever watchful of my surrounding, fearful of personal harm to me or my kids. Choosing to always follow to avoid failing. Avoiding others or opportunities felt safer to me than putting myself out there. I assumed the worst. I assumed. There it was. Assumptive Living.
If we go through life assuming we will fail, we will never try. We will never accomplish what we have been called to do. If we assume rejection, we will never have victory or courage to embrace and enjoy meaning relationships and friendships or partnerships in the work place. If we assume someone is always looking to harm us or one of our loved ones, we will never fully appreciate the beauty of God's creation. We will see so narrowly, that we miss the big picture. What kind of life is Assumptive Living? I will tell you. 
It's one thing to assume the worst and plan for the worst verses planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I realize now in hindsight how much anxiety and fear I self-created simply by assuming. How I must have grieved the heart of God with how I lived so wrongly fearful and anxious...never resting in His arms or grasping my identity in His Name. Oh the power I didn't claim, the grace I rejected, the blessings I missed. Something no one else knew, and I didn't even recognize myself back then. Thank God, His mercies are new every morning! Lamentation 3!! Looking back, my identity was not His...
I assumed I wouldn't be successful. Inadequate
I assumed I was making wrong choices. Doubting
I assumed my friend would not like me once they got to know me. Insecure
I assumed everyone else must be right, assuming they must be more intelligent or talented than I. Minimal 
I assumed I was the "lesser than" of the group. Pitiful
I assumed others could do it better, whatever "it" was at the time. Dumb
I assumed my husband would find other women sexier than me. Ugly
I assumed other parents has mastered this thing called parenting. Judgement
I assumed all the other Stay At Home Moms had perfectly cleaned house and dinner prepped for week on Sunday and all their clothes were in their rightful place. Comparison
I just assumed everything, even spiritually....
I assumed God loved me because that is what I had been taught in every church, in every Bible study, at every conference. 
I assumed and hoped He would always be with me. 
I assumed and hoped He would give me Peace when I needed it. 
I assumed and hoped He would be my Rock, my Comfort, my Healer.
Seriously, what a horrible way to live! Assuming everything...not knowing anything except doubt and fear, always hoping for being right. With a smile always on my face, no one could have known, and even today, people don't see the splinters, scars and thorns. Grace, Grace, Amazing Grace!!!! I have learned to receive Grace. I have learned not only Who God is personally, but who that makes me as His child. What an amazing feeling inside your soul when you know that you know. When someone asks you why, and you can confidently give an answer to the hope and the reason of your life.
God, gracious and gentle, looooong suffering over me, for sure, gave me the opportunity to get over living life assumptively. Through a season of panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I had to do some deep heart, soul, mind and spirit searching! 
I assumed I could handle life controlling myself, my circumstances and others. Here is where I learned my assumptions were all wrong. 
I assumed the life I was trying so hard to be perfect at would be the best life. Wrong! My best life has been lived ever since. The best life is living an intentional life!
How great to walk through a day nervous, sure. Feeling a little insecure, sure....yet doing life anyway! I certainly haven't arrived, and I still find thorns to pull out of my flesh at times, but how grateful I am to get the chance to have a do-over in this life! Every day I get to be more intentional! Thank You Lord for being steadfastly intentional for me!!
I know that I know God has a plan to prosper me and not harm me. Jeremiah 29
I know that I know He will never leave me. Deuteronomy 31
I know that I know He forgives me, loves me and hears me. John 3
I know that I know He is the Orchestrator of my life, leading me in my endeavors, my relationships, in my parenting, friendships, service, ministry, etc. Isaiah 40
I know that I know nothing escapes His care or His provision. 
Yes, bad things will still happen this side of eternity, but I know that I know I am Redeemed by the Great I Am. I am protected by The King of Kings. I am not a loss cause. I am not alone. I know that I know He hears my cries and my prayers and rejoices in my accomplishments even if I have failed the 10 times before. 
I know that I know God loves every single one of us and has a divinely great plan for a beautiful life, free of....assumptions!
If this is you too, (I am assuming I am not the only one who has been here), don't assume another day. Live fully, embracing each day's plan and grace for every moment. Be intentional in knowing what it is you need to get your head and heart wrapped around, to bring glory to the One Intentional God. How? Let go of being in control and Trust The Only Faithful and Steadfast One. Surrender your fears and assumptions into Hope Himself. You must be in His Word. You must pray and talk to Him, learning to listen for His voice. How else will you know Him? It was through digging into His Word searching for Him, worshiping Him in truth, not feeling. Praying in petition and in waiting for His response. It was remembering Who was in charge of my life, the comings and goings, the direction and the provision of every day. Calling out to The One I knew heard me, saw me and held me. Knowing in my head the Truth while embracing the Heart of The One who held mine together. It was remembering that God was ultimately in control and I needed to trust Him, loving Him above all else, with all my heart and might.
Life is best lived, intentionally living and loving, giving life and blessings, while receiving life and blessings!! Life is good because God is good! Hallelujah!!!!!
Thank You Lord for intentionally creating the world, and all that is within it, seen and unseen. Thank You for the grace You alone cover us with so that we can work out our insecurities, inadequacies, our callings for Your glory this side of Heaven. May we never assume Your love, mercy, forgiveness, peace, comfort. May we never assume Your grace will run out. Help us in our minds to embrace the knowledge of who You are and help our hearts to grasp how deep and wide Your love for us is. God, we are so sorry for taking the weight of burdens in this life upon our own shoulders. May we call to mind Your love and friendship that are never ceasing. Thank You for Your Word to teach us what we need to know. Thank You for your friendship and Fatherhood that proves it. Thank You Holy Spirit for leading us, encouraging us, prompting us to remember and to worship in truth! You are a great, great God...I know that I know this is true!! Bless Your Holy Name, amen.

Psalm 57, "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.  

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness! My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts-- the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!

Let your glory be over all the earth! They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down. They dug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves.
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!"

Jesus, my Spiritual Valium

 Jesus, Only Jesus

Who has the power to raise the dead?
Who can save us from our sin?
He is our hope, our righteousness
Jesus, only Jesus

Who can make the blind to see?
Who holds the keys that set us free?
He paid it all to bring us peace
Jesus, only Jesus

Holy, King almighty Lord
Saints and angels all adore
I join with them and bow before
Jesus, only Jesus

Who can command the highest praise?
Who has the name above all names?
You stand alone, I stand amazed
Jesus, only Jesus

You will command the highest praise!
Yours is the name above all names!
You stand alone, I stand amazed
Jesus, only Jesus!
Jesus, only Jesus!

This song melts me. It's like Spiritual Valium that settles my soul. Have you ever just been soooo busy that you feel like you have been turned into a remote controlled toy? You are being turned here and there, front, back, to the right then a quick turn to the left. Sometimes it's not even that I am "soooo busy" but more like I just don't ever stop. Day after day, it's the same thing, over and over and I just "go." And then, the battery runs out or you crash. All play stops! 
The market was not the only thing that crashed in 2008.....I did. My battery died and I crashed. "Life" controlled me. If I must "choose today whom I will serve", then I need to be the one in control so I can choose for myself how and what I want to spend my day doing what it is that God calls me to do. 
It's at the name of Jesus, only Jesus that slows me down (even though it fires me up at the same time!!). It's His glory in the breathtaking sunrise or sunset. Or the intricate details of a newborn baby, a flower or mountain range, the rolling storms and the sound of laughter that follows tears. Those God moments you experience studying His Word, or hear in a sermon or divinely timed conversation with a friend that leaves you standing amazed. A heart transformed and the lost-saved. The sick-healed. The desperate-satisfied. The Name of Jesus ushers in a peace that surpasses understanding, a comfort that holds you together when you feel like you are falling apart. It is the Name of Jesus that sets us free...it's Jesus, only Jesus. 
Satan knows that if he can stress us out, keep us busy or create in us a sense of hopelessness, then he begins to take control. But, if we put on the armor and keep in control, we can stand against the schemes of the enemy. Ephesians 6 encourages us..."Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." 

One of the benefits of moving is that you have no choice but to stop doing what you are doing and change the way you do things. However, if you don't stop and think about the why you do certain things, you will continue to do the same things and hand your remote over to "life" and it will control you in the new place too. I have had to put on my armor daily and really keep my heart and mind focused on what it is God wants me to so "life" doesn't fill my day with Martha lists, but that I am able to choose a Mary heart and serve and love as He leads me. 
May it be Your name, Jesus, that leads me, saves me, protects me, sustains me, heals me, comforts me. There is no greater Name. There is no greater Way. Jesus, only Jesus. I stand amazed. You Lord God, deserve the highest praise! With a bowed knee and heart, I worship You, amen.

Who has the power to raise the dead? Who can save us from our sin? He is our hope, our righteousness....Jesus, only Jesus

Who can make the blind to see? Who holds the keys that set us free? He paid it all to bring us peace....Jesus, only Jesus

Holy, King almighty Lord. Saints and angels all adore. I join with them and bow before
Jesus, only Jesus

Who can command the highest praise? Who has the name above all names? You stand alone, I stand amazed....Jesus, only Jesus

You will command the highest praise! Yours is the name above all names! You stand alone, I stand amazed....Jesus, only Jesus! Jesus, only Jesus!

Why are you doing what you do?

The younger two kids came home all hyped up with GREAT news!!! It was the new fundraiser for the school...cookie dough! While I am all about the fundraisers, there is only so much a person can do asking the neighbors and especially within our own budget of giving. They ran in the door off the bus and digging out their packets of info,  they could barely contain themselves telling me about all the prizes they could win, "Mom!!! If we ONLY SELL 15 of them, we get....." To their disappointment, I told them the previous 2 fundraisers and the little prizes they earned last time were all that we could do this time. "But Moooommmm, we could (get this toy) and (that)." I asked what the money was for and neither of them knew. In all their excitement to sell, they didn't even know what for. I am assuming it is for the track which is so badly needed!! 
Needless to say, they were quite angry with me that they wouldn't be able to get their prizes. It had nothing to do with not getting a new track which even at their age, they know they need because they run on it every day and it's in bad shape. They had been so pumped up by the school rally to earn prizes, that was their only focus...the prizes. They were motivated by selfish gain.
Now, I am all about prizes and earning rewards. But... are we being conditioned to see the personal gain rather than the central purpose for which we are striving? Do we have to be bribed to work/serve/give? Why not hype the kids up to the realization of a new track!?! Are we all hyped up for the prizes without even knowing what we are striving for?!? I wonder if we do the same thing at church? We talk so much about what God can do for you, the Peace He offers, the Comfort He gives, the Protection and Refuge for the weary, the Strength in our weaknesses that we don't even show them Who He is. 
Are we so hyped up about our "prizes" that we miss what the prizes resulted from? Our track?! Our God! Do we know it's ultimately about the "track" being built and not our personal gain? Are we just "selling" Jesus to get our prize? Yes, how precious and gracious is He that the Lord blesses as a result of our obedience and surrender to Him (what joy and privilege) but I wonder if we too often focus on the blessings and not the Blessed? 
Is my worship about how it makes me feel or is it about how it makes the Lord feel? 
Do I choose daily to walk with Him and serve Him so I can win the Fruit Basket? 
Am I sacrificially serving for the Kingdom growth? 
Am I so conditioned to "get" that I am not focused on The Giver? 
Whose kingdom am I striving to enrich? Mine or Christ's?  
God really made me stop this morning to think of the root of all my doings and how I am conditioning myself and my kids and others...am I hyped up "selling" the Blessings or The Blessed?
Our children should obey and honor, not because they will get a Treasure Box goodie if they do but because they love God first.
We should worship God with all our heart, mind and soul, not because it feels good or that we are supposed to but because it blesses Him to receiver our worship and praise out of our pure love and devotion to Him.
We should go to church and serve not because we will look good in the sight of man, but because we get to learn and love while planting seeds as the hands and feet of Jesus.
We go to church to be with the Body functioning together to serve God, not play games and publish grand numbers or earn a reputation.
We love God, because He first loved us, not because of the riches He gives to those who love Him.
I give God my heart, not because He can make it bigger, but because it is by His grace I even have life. 
We love others, not because it gives us more friends but because out of our love for God, we can't help but love others.
I want my marriage to be strong not because it makes life easier or makes us happier, but because we are a reflection of The Gospel.
Love love, not gain. 
I want my children to serve out of love, not gain.
I want to serve my husband out of love, not gain.
I want to serve my church and others out love, not gain.
I want to serve my God out of love, and not gain. 
All the blessings in the world, all the prizes that can be won, all the effort we spend working towards these gain, I wonder if we will ever see the track for which we worked so hard for or will we continually be off somewhere playing with all our toys, looking for more? Instead, may we be so focused on The Track that we don't count anything gain except for the "Track" being built.

Father God, You are my greatest love and blessing. Help me resist the temptation to see all Your goodness only to strive for Your prizes/blessings. I confess there are times I get hyped up at all Your offering and prizes that I completely miss The Offering of You. It is my heart's desire to worship You, The Blessed, and not Your blessings. God, I want all that I am and all that I do to be about You. I must decrease so You can increase. The gift of Your Son truly is our greatest treasure. How thankful I am for Your sweet Love and Blessings from the immeasurable riches You own, but God, I want You more than I want more stuff. With You, I have my Peace and Strength and Hope. Nothing can compare to the treasure of You. It is You that saved me from the pit. It is Your Love Offering that took on all my sins. Lord God, help me keep my eyes fixed on Your "track" that all my life will be about You as the ultimate end of my striving, not of any selfish gain. For You alone are worthy, all glory and honor is for You. For Your Name's sake, amen.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

Matthew 6:19-21

"Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth! Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into His presence with singing! Know that the LORD, He is God! It is He who made us, and we are His;we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise! Give thanks to Him; bless His name! For the LORD is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations." 

Psalm 100  

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." 

Matthew 6:33

     

Reflections

Out the back window.

What a beautiful view out the back window this morning. I had not noticed the distant mountain range until it began to glow, growing brighter and brighter. Well, obviously, it was reflecting something. I sat my coffee down and ran over to the front of the house and there was the source of the light. The intensely, gorgeous, stunning, colorful sunrise was stretching across the skies, rising up, conquering the once dark blue skies. It captured me and illuminated my morning!!

The Source of Light in the front.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

We, as Believers, are to reflect the Light of Jesus Christ. We are a "city on a hill," a "light in the darkness." The illuminated mountain in the back of the house was a direct reflection of the Sun...and we should be too. 

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

When I "shine before men," and they see my "good deeds," who's reflection will they see? Who will they praise? Our Light should be a direct reflection of our "Father in Heaven."  

"But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:13-16

God, let me shine for you!! May it be Your glorious beauty that others see when they turn around and look for the source of my light. The Joy of You, is my strength!! You hold my heart! How empty they would be if they only saw the good of Michele, and not of You. You are the One Source for all we need or want. May the words of my mouth, all that I say and so, bring honor to You! You alone are satisfying and sustaining. Forgive me Father God when I have taken the reflection and made it my own. My heart desires to reflect You, the One True Light, intensely, gorgeously, stunningly, colorfully illuminating the skies that surround us. Give us the wisdom to make the most of every opportunity of all that You make visible. Shine bright Lord and reflect upon us, the glory of You. In Your Son's Awesome, Beautiful Name, amen.