When your loved one is suffering. Part One.

Do you have a loved one suffering with panic and anxiety attacks? I am betting that if you do, you are having a hard time understanding what they are going through and don't understand why it won't stop, why they say they think they might die. I know. That was my poor husband as I walked those scary and painful moments in 2008-2009. Honestly, your loved one who is suffering this heartache is asking themselves the same things. They don't get it either. 

As difficult as it has been to share my testimony and experiences with others, my spirit wants to testify to the goodness and sweetness of the Lord. In His grace, I found healing and the truest of love and kindness, and mighty, mighty power. But it took going through those dark days to see such pure Light. God's Word is full of testimonies of God's grace, provision and protection. I found such comfort being back in His Word, alive and active it is!! I felt less alone when I read the perils of Job and Paul and so many others. 

This is exactly why I began blogging and writing: to share and encourage. Yes, it's hard to visit those terrors but the hope to encourage and even save a life overshadows and uplifts me right over that pit of despair onto the wings of an eagle, soaring above defeat, shame and embarrassment. God has crossed my paths over the years with sweet Believers who have fallen into the same pits whom we have been able to share each other's journey, many in the middle of a valley. What a joy to celebrate hope and healing in Jesus Name together.

When I am sitting with the person in anguish, we speak the same language and as much as we get it, we don't get it. I liken it to listening to my teen speak calculus or when my husband it calling sports plays. I just don't understand their lingo. It's the same here. Until you have walked in the same shoes, it's a struggle to get it. 

We are able to feel what the other feels and understand the depths of it all, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, when I find myself sitting with the loved one, they really don't get it. The look in their eyes was the same bewilderment my husband had with me many years back. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in my body. 

He couldn't understand when I shut down or quickly fled situations, why I was so exhausted, why I couldn't handle loud noises and big crowds. One of the most painful stings to the heart is the look of weirdness, puzzlement, judgement, nervousness in your loved one's eyes looking back at you in your moment of fear. 

These were the moments "fake it till you make it" were necessary, just to avoid that look. To avoid the pain it pressed like a sword into the depth of me. It slayed me, reminding me of how crazy I was, shame flooding every part of my soul. And if this loved one who had my back looked at my like this and couldn't understand what I was experiencing, how could anyone else, and how much deeper would their look slash my soul? So, we hide, mask and protect. 

Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries and sent me rescue and all the while, I prayed for my husband to have compassion and understanding. He was one of my first subscribers to the blog, learning more about my experience than I was able to verbalize. Also, we had 4 kids running around the house and it wasn't something we just called out and spoke about. I wanted to continue on as normal and stable, conquering and hopeful, calm and collected as a true perfectionist and encourager personality. 

Over time, through healing helps of Christian counseling, natural remedies of essential oils and vitamins, Scripture memory work and meditation, a deep and purposeful prayer life, worshiping without wondering, letting go of perfectionism, accountability of a few trustworthy Sisters in Christ, re-prioritizing my life and schedule, addressing how I was (not) taking care of my body, mind and spirit. All these combined together for the help and healing, overcoming and conquering I experienced against fear. To God be all the power, and glory!

Recently, several loved ones have approached me about my journey, asking for help in dealing with their loved one suffering in anguish. With all my writings focused on the anguished person, I thought I would write to the loved one because I know as many who suffer with panic and anxiety attacks, there are that many more loved ones trying to understand them and help them. 

Lord knows you need the same help, love, hope and encouragement as you deal with the heartache and confusion in dealing with your loved one's current battle. So, in the next blog, I will share with you a few simple helps from my own personal experience in hopes to encourage each person touched by these attacks in compassion and hope.

Meanwhile, meditate and believe on Jeremiah 29:11-13, 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

To God be all our glory, help, hope and praise, amen.

Click Here for When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

I Just Assumed...not any more!

I met a new friend this past week and in our "get to know" moment as we shared our story, a sentence came out of my mouth I had never thought of before and certainly had never said. I can only assume it was a God moment. Sometimes my assumption are right. Sometimes they are wrong.
Being the new (guy) gal in the community, I have been asked close to hundred times now, "What's your story? Why are you here?" Each time I get to share, God reminds me of His plan and the perfection of His timing. Last week was really no different...same testimony, different new friend. After sharing the summary of details and God's divine leading us in our move to Florida, I said these "crazy" words as a summery point of how God has been working on me over the past several years. This phrase came out my mouth for the first time... Assumptive Living. Assumptive Living. I said, "God has taken me from living a life of assumptive living to intentional living." I sat kinda of dumb founded for a minute trying to process why in the world did I just say that. 
Over the past several years, God has been walking me though Intentional Living. So much so, he even brought a dear Mentor and Friend into my life who actually used those words every time she talked. God could not have been obvious. She was a huge part of the refining process my heart and mind needed to endure and be shaped by. Knowing why I do what I do. Choosing to own my actions and not play the blame game in life. Stepping out in courage after the things God calls me to. Being intentional about growing in my knowledge and deepening my love with my Savior and Abba Father. But the years before this....not so much. I intentionally...assumed.
I have always described my personality issues as anxious and shy. One who fears the unknown, a follower not a leader. But then there were these words...Assumptive Living...wow. It was true. I had never thought about that before. For most of my life, I have been fearful and anxious. I feel it inside me, raised blood pressure and heart racing, feeling as if I couldn't breath. Double checking everything I do in fear of judgement, which would lead to fear of rejection. Ever watchful of my surrounding, fearful of personal harm to me or my kids. Choosing to always follow to avoid failing. Avoiding others or opportunities felt safer to me than putting myself out there. I assumed the worst. I assumed. There it was. Assumptive Living.
If we go through life assuming we will fail, we will never try. We will never accomplish what we have been called to do. If we assume rejection, we will never have victory or courage to embrace and enjoy meaning relationships and friendships or partnerships in the work place. If we assume someone is always looking to harm us or one of our loved ones, we will never fully appreciate the beauty of God's creation. We will see so narrowly, that we miss the big picture. What kind of life is Assumptive Living? I will tell you. 
It's one thing to assume the worst and plan for the worst verses planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I realize now in hindsight how much anxiety and fear I self-created simply by assuming. How I must have grieved the heart of God with how I lived so wrongly fearful and anxious...never resting in His arms or grasping my identity in His Name. Oh the power I didn't claim, the grace I rejected, the blessings I missed. Something no one else knew, and I didn't even recognize myself back then. Thank God, His mercies are new every morning! Lamentation 3!! Looking back, my identity was not His...
I assumed I wouldn't be successful. Inadequate
I assumed I was making wrong choices. Doubting
I assumed my friend would not like me once they got to know me. Insecure
I assumed everyone else must be right, assuming they must be more intelligent or talented than I. Minimal 
I assumed I was the "lesser than" of the group. Pitiful
I assumed others could do it better, whatever "it" was at the time. Dumb
I assumed my husband would find other women sexier than me. Ugly
I assumed other parents has mastered this thing called parenting. Judgement
I assumed all the other Stay At Home Moms had perfectly cleaned house and dinner prepped for week on Sunday and all their clothes were in their rightful place. Comparison
I just assumed everything, even spiritually....
I assumed God loved me because that is what I had been taught in every church, in every Bible study, at every conference. 
I assumed and hoped He would always be with me. 
I assumed and hoped He would give me Peace when I needed it. 
I assumed and hoped He would be my Rock, my Comfort, my Healer.
Seriously, what a horrible way to live! Assuming everything...not knowing anything except doubt and fear, always hoping for being right. With a smile always on my face, no one could have known, and even today, people don't see the splinters, scars and thorns. Grace, Grace, Amazing Grace!!!! I have learned to receive Grace. I have learned not only Who God is personally, but who that makes me as His child. What an amazing feeling inside your soul when you know that you know. When someone asks you why, and you can confidently give an answer to the hope and the reason of your life.
God, gracious and gentle, looooong suffering over me, for sure, gave me the opportunity to get over living life assumptively. Through a season of panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I had to do some deep heart, soul, mind and spirit searching! 
I assumed I could handle life controlling myself, my circumstances and others. Here is where I learned my assumptions were all wrong. 
I assumed the life I was trying so hard to be perfect at would be the best life. Wrong! My best life has been lived ever since. The best life is living an intentional life!
How great to walk through a day nervous, sure. Feeling a little insecure, sure....yet doing life anyway! I certainly haven't arrived, and I still find thorns to pull out of my flesh at times, but how grateful I am to get the chance to have a do-over in this life! Every day I get to be more intentional! Thank You Lord for being steadfastly intentional for me!!
I know that I know God has a plan to prosper me and not harm me. Jeremiah 29
I know that I know He will never leave me. Deuteronomy 31
I know that I know He forgives me, loves me and hears me. John 3
I know that I know He is the Orchestrator of my life, leading me in my endeavors, my relationships, in my parenting, friendships, service, ministry, etc. Isaiah 40
I know that I know nothing escapes His care or His provision. 
Yes, bad things will still happen this side of eternity, but I know that I know I am Redeemed by the Great I Am. I am protected by The King of Kings. I am not a loss cause. I am not alone. I know that I know He hears my cries and my prayers and rejoices in my accomplishments even if I have failed the 10 times before. 
I know that I know God loves every single one of us and has a divinely great plan for a beautiful life, free of....assumptions!
If this is you too, (I am assuming I am not the only one who has been here), don't assume another day. Live fully, embracing each day's plan and grace for every moment. Be intentional in knowing what it is you need to get your head and heart wrapped around, to bring glory to the One Intentional God. How? Let go of being in control and Trust The Only Faithful and Steadfast One. Surrender your fears and assumptions into Hope Himself. You must be in His Word. You must pray and talk to Him, learning to listen for His voice. How else will you know Him? It was through digging into His Word searching for Him, worshiping Him in truth, not feeling. Praying in petition and in waiting for His response. It was remembering Who was in charge of my life, the comings and goings, the direction and the provision of every day. Calling out to The One I knew heard me, saw me and held me. Knowing in my head the Truth while embracing the Heart of The One who held mine together. It was remembering that God was ultimately in control and I needed to trust Him, loving Him above all else, with all my heart and might.
Life is best lived, intentionally living and loving, giving life and blessings, while receiving life and blessings!! Life is good because God is good! Hallelujah!!!!!
Thank You Lord for intentionally creating the world, and all that is within it, seen and unseen. Thank You for the grace You alone cover us with so that we can work out our insecurities, inadequacies, our callings for Your glory this side of Heaven. May we never assume Your love, mercy, forgiveness, peace, comfort. May we never assume Your grace will run out. Help us in our minds to embrace the knowledge of who You are and help our hearts to grasp how deep and wide Your love for us is. God, we are so sorry for taking the weight of burdens in this life upon our own shoulders. May we call to mind Your love and friendship that are never ceasing. Thank You for Your Word to teach us what we need to know. Thank You for your friendship and Fatherhood that proves it. Thank You Holy Spirit for leading us, encouraging us, prompting us to remember and to worship in truth! You are a great, great God...I know that I know this is true!! Bless Your Holy Name, amen.

Psalm 57, "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.  

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness! My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts-- the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!

Let your glory be over all the earth! They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down. They dug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves.
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!"

LOL...Tuesday Night JOY!!!!

We are The Dickerson Girls!!!! Living in a home with a man and 3 boys ages 15, 12 and 5, there is always action and believe it or not DRAMA!!! But that may be simply from the fact that there are SIX people living under the same roof and more than half of them are under the age of 15!!!!!

Tonight I am just returning home from my Tuesday Night WOMAN's Bible Study. It is led by an incredibly gifted, passionate and energetic, real, God-fearing and God-loving Woman of God. Her passion for Truth is contagious and as "iron sharpens iron" so she does. These Tuesday Night Studies have encouraged me and sharpened me in many ways, many more probably that I don't even realize until God one day says, "Lookie there!" Aside from the obvious study material and a teacher who is sure to drive home the "Better Get This" points, we also are held accountable for our scripture memory like no other!! If there was a buzzer, I bet she'd use it!! REALLY!!! 

It has been a fear of mine for most of my life to fail. Not only a fear of reflecting God in a negative light but also as a person who appears ignorant or "totally blonde." Years ago, I would have avoided a study like this where people are encouraged to talk and be vulnerable in their humanness. I would have run and not returned. Shy, Inadequate, not for me. I liked the video studies in large groups with obvious answers to the homework so I could hide in the back and be the first to leave before an social awkwardness in sued! I've heard the blonde jokes my whole life and yes they are funny but they also sink in, maybe not so funny afterall. I admit I do struggle with memory work with anything, not just scriptures and that feeds into my fear of feeling like a failure when I cannot remember something. As a Christian, if I followed all the commandments and trusted Him for everything and had His grace and joy and peace, I would not be having a bad day or a season of painful trials, right?!? How I thought I let God down every time I experienced a negative thought or behavior or didn't get something right. Not talking about how sin grieves Him, but me just being me and claiming to be His Child...how disappointed He must be in...me. 

One at a time, God brought into my life very special women who not only taught me Truths about God but also showed me Christ-like love. Not even knowing it, they were grace gifts to me from a loving God who saw me important enough to bring these amazing women into my life. 

So enters Tuesday Night Gals. I am asked to pray...outloud....infront of 20 people! Yikes! Please God don't make me look stupid infront of them. God, please help me remember their names so I don't look stupid. I am given the opportunity to do logistics and praying I don't mess something up horribly and reflect poorly on our teacher who I stand representing, and Christ, and NEHBC. Me, me, me. Week after week, this "me" turned to You.

I was given the opportunity to be myself, and be accepted and loved and challenged through these studies...it has been a tool God has and is using to draw my heart and mind into alignment with His. Do I trust Him to use even me?!? Can I walk in Grace that I can honor Him simply by trusting Him in these inadequacies I see in me. Do I trust that He has me covered!?! YES!!!!! FINALLY I can say YES!!! Time and time again He has shown me His amazing Grace!! Throughout the love poured through this unique core group, I am sharpened, cutting through to the heart and spirit, dividing truth from lies, bondages and a hardened heart. There is joy unending. There is freedom in real love. God has used these evenings to open up layers of "stuff."

Although I have to be honest that I prefer to pray quietly and blend in rather than be in the front and center of stuff, I count it a joy and honor to pray aloud. What a privilege to not only speak on others' behalf in intercession or petition but to share my own personal intimacy with the Lord with the other women. While I do stand with a reverent fear of words and purity of heart that pleases the Lord, there is no concern for what other think about me or my prayers. I am where I am and it is what it is! My relationship with the Lord is more important to me than anything anyone may say. I know that He loves me unconditionally because His Word says so, even though I don't fully get it and certainly don't deserve it, I do want my words and thoughts to be pleasing to Him; therefore there is no condemnation (aka:failing) with the Lord. He sees my heart and for that, I have freedom from judgement.

Freedom of judgment brings such great joy to my heart after sooooo many years of guarding it so closely!!! God has blessed me sooooo much over the past few years that I sit here bubbling with joy, nearly laughing with a full heart, a sure testimony of the graciousness and goodness of God!! There is just something special that takes place with "the girls." There's a mutual understanding. There's a laugh that comes from the center of your heart that happens when girls are together. Yes, I love my husband and my kids but tonight I am focused on the relationships between Just the Girls and how precious and refreshing and fun it is. Sometimes it is hard, those relationships are out there too. But tonight, I am looking up to the Heavens counting one blessing at a time, naming all my Sister Friends by name!! How grateful I am for the gift of Sisterhood!! 

The blessings and lessons are many and I think my heart has bubbled over with many words so I will say Good Night and God Bless You with a heart full of His Love and Grace!!!

Thank You Jesus for blessing us in community within our families, church and and the world and especially for those near whom You have given to meet us in the center of our life, our heart where You placed them for such a time as this. I do not fear failing, just fear missing out on giving You due glory, honor and praise. Lord, forgive me when I sin and grieve You. My heart and mind want to be excellent for You and not for the impression of those watching. May my heart, mind and soul be so centered and grounded in You that I can stand confident and courageous in the face of the enemy. God, I worship You above all others for there is none like You!! My spirit and heart are full this Tuesday Night and I thank You Lord for that nourishment, encouragement and opportunity to experience joy in Your Name. Humbled and Happy, because You live, amen.