10 years Since Fear Was my Middle Name and Where Faith Is was born

"I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again." - Philippians 1:23-26

What a conversation it was. This was the essence of my conversation with the Lord beginning in December 2008. Better is one day with Him than thousands elsewhere, and I wanted so badly to feel His presence again...I knew He wasn't done with me, so I always hoped...oh Lord give me Grace, give me hope, give me courage to be Your Light and Encouragement to others. Use me to be Your hugs here on Earth to those who don't feel them. For those who feel useless and unseen, less than and yet want so badly to share Light and Love in Your name, Please Lord, I wish it could be Me! 

That has always been my desire and my hope for life and ministry. I have always desired to love God and others with all my heart but that soul mission led by love, was controlled by fear. All the What if's and I can'ts became part of my being. I was the most prepared person for defeat because fear was my active middle name, not Eileen which was what my Mom had given.

Today marks 10 years since the beginning of what would be a transforming season of redefining, refining, and heavy sifting. I could write longer than you'd care to read about this journey and all I have learned but I will spare you as this is lengthy enough. 

This is Where Faith Is birthed from. A place of journaling, processing, exposing, sharing, ministering and documenting. Looking back, that time was painful and terrifying, and yet divine and exhilarating. Intense for a season but growth for a lifetime! As much as I prayed for the Lord to restore me back "the way life was", I am glad He didn't. I didn't know life without fear until it was gone and there was no going back! Freedom is incredible and life altering. 

In that season I was madder than I had ever been at God in my life and then more in love with Him than I had ever been in my life. It was a gloriously intense season. I am thankful God doesn't answer exactly what we ask, but chooses to allow what is for our good, that He may receive all the glory. Remember this when you too face hard moments or seasons. I promise you, He is up to something for you, not against you. 

We may not ever fully understand or see the fruit of suffering, but there is a trust that is foundational to the hope we must stand on even when, especially when, we cannot see.

Satan may be whispering in your ear...give up...you don't matter...no one will miss you if you're not here...God doesn't really love you like He loves others...you won't ever get over "it"...God won't remain patient with you...you'll never be good enough...God can't use you...you're not able...you're not enough...So many other people will do it better than you...etc. Absolute LIES!! These are lies from the the great deceiver.

Friend, You are loved, cherished, covered, forgiven, enough, ready, equipped, necessary and instrumental to the glory of God! Every drop of blood He gave, was meant for you too! He wants you, and others need you!! God has planned a purposeful life for you and only He knows how many days that will be for each of us so who are we to be wasteful or careless with these precious breaths?!? 

The sheep do not instruct the Shepherd, nor does the clay teach the Potter. What a wonderful day when we learn to live each day fully, without regret, without fear, without worry. Even in trials, we are being refined and strengthened as we are walking through Fire which doesn't burn, because He is near.

So today especially I count it all joy for the season of great pain and fear for it was there I came out out of the prison without chains, out of the firery furnace whole. I walked away from the constant bullying of a goliath who stood tall in my face since childhood. Thanks to The Lord's mercy, fear no longer controlled me or shackled me, now Love could truly lead. 

Although my salvation gives me eternal freedom, through my relationship with Christ, I have learned the blessing and reality of earthly freedom. I am learning to live authentically as the person God created me to be, fully embracing Grace as my hope and redemption as the reason, the only power I need for the purpose I was created for, to walk out each day courageously and reflecting the glory of God, so that others will discover their freedom too through the words of my testimony.

I didn't realize I was tethered to defeat deep in the pit of fear. It's just what I knew. My perfectionism and fear of judgement kept me careful and cautious, cornered into a comfort zone I falsely believed I would surely honor God because there, I would not disappoint, because I did not fail, because I did not commit to things I didn't feel I could do. Fear, in the name of humility, became my identity and dictated my choices and impacted my ministry, my marriage and most every area of my life. Choices that made me small.

I excused my shy and unqualified self as reasons to avoid leadership opportunities. I recognized and accepted my place in the Can'ts because it just felt easier and a place I wouldn't disappoint others. But God...the Great I Am who Is and says I Can. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...I once was blind but now I see! If you don't see the chains, how will you ever break them? If you don't ever climb out of the pit, how will you see life, Light and love? If you don't choose action and harvest, how will you ever experience growth? We must first allow His truths to speak to us, then we must BELIEVE them!

Jesus is faithful hope. Jesus is stronger than you and therefore will conquer all you cannot. Jesus loves without condition. Christ our Lord forgives, and has already counted the cost of your unbelief and sins and He paid it in full! He loves you!!! How amazing! When we truly grasp this truth and live our life as if it's true, what joy! What freedom!

Oh the blessings of seeing the God's heart over these past 10 years in every area of my life. Joy floods my soul and blows my mind. Fear is not the comfort zone you think it is. It's a cage but good news friend...you can break out of it in Jesus Name! So many Believers suffer in silence with defeating thoughts or behaviors, shamed and embarrassed, so if this is YOU, I am challenging you to: 

-tell someone trustworthy and keep accountability
-pray without ceasing
-fight the war with weapons unseen
-seek intercessors who will fight for you, reminding you Who's you are
-walk through the fire courageously anticipating a beautiful refining when you're out the other side and do not fear
-get stronger not weaker surrounded by likeminded people and walk by faith
-memorize and meditate on His promises
-worship in all you say, do and think. 

Need some practical advice?!? I know this sounds impossible right now, but trust me...serve somewhere. I know you probably don't feel like it, but do it! Get outside of your own square footage. Do an act of kindness. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, invite a friend to join you. Fear and shame isolates us. Break out of that pit and see!

Need even more practical suggestions?!? Drink lots of water, eat a good healthy meal and watch your caffeine intake. Get up and move! Walk, dance, clean, serve! Do not just sit around and sulk. Pray without ceasing and count your blessings!!

 
More? Start a Blessing Journal and write down a minimum of one a day then SAY IT ALOUD. Understand the Love your Father has for you!! Wrap your mind around the the fact He has created you to be His. He sees you right where you are. Nothing escapes Him. Together, we are a city on a hill for the nations! Turn up that worship music and dance! Sing it with purpose and declaration so the enemy cringes and flees. Let him understand he cannot cage you anymore.

Stay strong and rebuke the lies of the enemy. Satan is not for you. He wants to destroy you. God saves!! God is our joy, peace and hope forever! His Grace is all you need and by faith, when you surrender to His care, He will flood you with Peace that surpasses all understanding. Breath in His Grace and be still that anxious soul. He's got you and He won't let you go!!!

May every day be a day we count as joy to be loved by The Great I Am, for His mercies are new every morning and His heart bleeds for ours. Rejoice always. Give thanks. Dwell in His abundance and trust His ways. May this be our battle plan!!! Going to church is not the answer, memorizing Scripture is not the answer, praying loud is not the answer. Jesus is the Answer and resting in Him, worshiping Him and receiving His great love is the fullness of Life! Jesus is not looking for performers. He is seeking hearts.

Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world. We are more than conquerers! We are His! Nothing can separate us from the love of God! Amen.

Don't give up! Don't quit. Nothing can hinder what God has planned. Will you trust Him enough by faith? Our healing and help begins with Love Himself. Seek Him. If you need more help, reach out to a counselor or pastor and ask for it! It's never too late. Mercies are new every day!

Don't let today's pain keep you from all the tomorrows' blessings!! You are more than a Conquerer and He's making all things new!! Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!! 

Thanking God today, for not allowing me to live another day shackled to fear and insecurity. There are thorns. There are scars. There are more layers to unravel in the process of healing and growth and it's okay. 

I never want to forget what it took to bring me to the feet of the Cross where Christ was all I had. 

To know His breath. 

To hear His voice. 

To experience His touch. 

Oh how wonderful the Prince of Peace. 

I look forward to every day with my Sweet Savior, King, Father, and Friend knowing He provides for the purpose He has called me to even when I am clueless or feel lost. 

Don't be surprised at continued trials and temptations, there will always be "those" days in every season. Until the day of Glory, He is still working in us and the enemy is still lurking. Stand firm in the Father's arms, He's got you!

God knows. God hears. God is near and He loves you! Live fully in this freedom! You are not alone, ever!

Thankful for Love, Grace, Hearts and Hope!! God, You have my heart!!! Thank You for Yours for me!! In You I rest and live, amen.

When your loved one is suffering. Part One.

Do you have a loved one suffering with panic and anxiety attacks? I am betting that if you do, you are having a hard time understanding what they are going through and don't understand why it won't stop, why they say they think they might die. I know. That was my poor husband as I walked those scary and painful moments in 2008-2009. Honestly, your loved one who is suffering this heartache is asking themselves the same things. They don't get it either. 

As difficult as it has been to share my testimony and experiences with others, my spirit wants to testify to the goodness and sweetness of the Lord. In His grace, I found healing and the truest of love and kindness, and mighty, mighty power. But it took going through those dark days to see such pure Light. God's Word is full of testimonies of God's grace, provision and protection. I found such comfort being back in His Word, alive and active it is!! I felt less alone when I read the perils of Job and Paul and so many others. 

This is exactly why I began blogging and writing: to share and encourage. Yes, it's hard to visit those terrors but the hope to encourage and even save a life overshadows and uplifts me right over that pit of despair onto the wings of an eagle, soaring above defeat, shame and embarrassment. God has crossed my paths over the years with sweet Believers who have fallen into the same pits whom we have been able to share each other's journey, many in the middle of a valley. What a joy to celebrate hope and healing in Jesus Name together.

When I am sitting with the person in anguish, we speak the same language and as much as we get it, we don't get it. I liken it to listening to my teen speak calculus or when my husband it calling sports plays. I just don't understand their lingo. It's the same here. Until you have walked in the same shoes, it's a struggle to get it. 

We are able to feel what the other feels and understand the depths of it all, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, when I find myself sitting with the loved one, they really don't get it. The look in their eyes was the same bewilderment my husband had with me many years back. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in my body. 

He couldn't understand when I shut down or quickly fled situations, why I was so exhausted, why I couldn't handle loud noises and big crowds. One of the most painful stings to the heart is the look of weirdness, puzzlement, judgement, nervousness in your loved one's eyes looking back at you in your moment of fear. 

These were the moments "fake it till you make it" were necessary, just to avoid that look. To avoid the pain it pressed like a sword into the depth of me. It slayed me, reminding me of how crazy I was, shame flooding every part of my soul. And if this loved one who had my back looked at my like this and couldn't understand what I was experiencing, how could anyone else, and how much deeper would their look slash my soul? So, we hide, mask and protect. 

Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries and sent me rescue and all the while, I prayed for my husband to have compassion and understanding. He was one of my first subscribers to the blog, learning more about my experience than I was able to verbalize. Also, we had 4 kids running around the house and it wasn't something we just called out and spoke about. I wanted to continue on as normal and stable, conquering and hopeful, calm and collected as a true perfectionist and encourager personality. 

Over time, through healing helps of Christian counseling, natural remedies of essential oils and vitamins, Scripture memory work and meditation, a deep and purposeful prayer life, worshiping without wondering, letting go of perfectionism, accountability of a few trustworthy Sisters in Christ, re-prioritizing my life and schedule, addressing how I was (not) taking care of my body, mind and spirit. All these combined together for the help and healing, overcoming and conquering I experienced against fear. To God be all the power, and glory!

Recently, several loved ones have approached me about my journey, asking for help in dealing with their loved one suffering in anguish. With all my writings focused on the anguished person, I thought I would write to the loved one because I know as many who suffer with panic and anxiety attacks, there are that many more loved ones trying to understand them and help them. 

Lord knows you need the same help, love, hope and encouragement as you deal with the heartache and confusion in dealing with your loved one's current battle. So, in the next blog, I will share with you a few simple helps from my own personal experience in hopes to encourage each person touched by these attacks in compassion and hope.

Meanwhile, meditate and believe on Jeremiah 29:11-13, 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

To God be all our glory, help, hope and praise, amen.

Click Here for When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

I Just Assumed...not any more!

I met a new friend this past week and in our "get to know" moment as we shared our story, a sentence came out of my mouth I had never thought of before and certainly had never said. I can only assume it was a God moment. Sometimes my assumption are right. Sometimes they are wrong.
Being the new (guy) gal in the community, I have been asked close to hundred times now, "What's your story? Why are you here?" Each time I get to share, God reminds me of His plan and the perfection of His timing. Last week was really no different...same testimony, different new friend. After sharing the summary of details and God's divine leading us in our move to Florida, I said these "crazy" words as a summery point of how God has been working on me over the past several years. This phrase came out my mouth for the first time... Assumptive Living. Assumptive Living. I said, "God has taken me from living a life of assumptive living to intentional living." I sat kinda of dumb founded for a minute trying to process why in the world did I just say that. 
Over the past several years, God has been walking me though Intentional Living. So much so, he even brought a dear Mentor and Friend into my life who actually used those words every time she talked. God could not have been obvious. She was a huge part of the refining process my heart and mind needed to endure and be shaped by. Knowing why I do what I do. Choosing to own my actions and not play the blame game in life. Stepping out in courage after the things God calls me to. Being intentional about growing in my knowledge and deepening my love with my Savior and Abba Father. But the years before this....not so much. I intentionally...assumed.
I have always described my personality issues as anxious and shy. One who fears the unknown, a follower not a leader. But then there were these words...Assumptive Living...wow. It was true. I had never thought about that before. For most of my life, I have been fearful and anxious. I feel it inside me, raised blood pressure and heart racing, feeling as if I couldn't breath. Double checking everything I do in fear of judgement, which would lead to fear of rejection. Ever watchful of my surrounding, fearful of personal harm to me or my kids. Choosing to always follow to avoid failing. Avoiding others or opportunities felt safer to me than putting myself out there. I assumed the worst. I assumed. There it was. Assumptive Living.
If we go through life assuming we will fail, we will never try. We will never accomplish what we have been called to do. If we assume rejection, we will never have victory or courage to embrace and enjoy meaning relationships and friendships or partnerships in the work place. If we assume someone is always looking to harm us or one of our loved ones, we will never fully appreciate the beauty of God's creation. We will see so narrowly, that we miss the big picture. What kind of life is Assumptive Living? I will tell you. 
It's one thing to assume the worst and plan for the worst verses planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I realize now in hindsight how much anxiety and fear I self-created simply by assuming. How I must have grieved the heart of God with how I lived so wrongly fearful and anxious...never resting in His arms or grasping my identity in His Name. Oh the power I didn't claim, the grace I rejected, the blessings I missed. Something no one else knew, and I didn't even recognize myself back then. Thank God, His mercies are new every morning! Lamentation 3!! Looking back, my identity was not His...
I assumed I wouldn't be successful. Inadequate
I assumed I was making wrong choices. Doubting
I assumed my friend would not like me once they got to know me. Insecure
I assumed everyone else must be right, assuming they must be more intelligent or talented than I. Minimal 
I assumed I was the "lesser than" of the group. Pitiful
I assumed others could do it better, whatever "it" was at the time. Dumb
I assumed my husband would find other women sexier than me. Ugly
I assumed other parents has mastered this thing called parenting. Judgement
I assumed all the other Stay At Home Moms had perfectly cleaned house and dinner prepped for week on Sunday and all their clothes were in their rightful place. Comparison
I just assumed everything, even spiritually....
I assumed God loved me because that is what I had been taught in every church, in every Bible study, at every conference. 
I assumed and hoped He would always be with me. 
I assumed and hoped He would give me Peace when I needed it. 
I assumed and hoped He would be my Rock, my Comfort, my Healer.
Seriously, what a horrible way to live! Assuming everything...not knowing anything except doubt and fear, always hoping for being right. With a smile always on my face, no one could have known, and even today, people don't see the splinters, scars and thorns. Grace, Grace, Amazing Grace!!!! I have learned to receive Grace. I have learned not only Who God is personally, but who that makes me as His child. What an amazing feeling inside your soul when you know that you know. When someone asks you why, and you can confidently give an answer to the hope and the reason of your life.
God, gracious and gentle, looooong suffering over me, for sure, gave me the opportunity to get over living life assumptively. Through a season of panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I had to do some deep heart, soul, mind and spirit searching! 
I assumed I could handle life controlling myself, my circumstances and others. Here is where I learned my assumptions were all wrong. 
I assumed the life I was trying so hard to be perfect at would be the best life. Wrong! My best life has been lived ever since. The best life is living an intentional life!
How great to walk through a day nervous, sure. Feeling a little insecure, sure....yet doing life anyway! I certainly haven't arrived, and I still find thorns to pull out of my flesh at times, but how grateful I am to get the chance to have a do-over in this life! Every day I get to be more intentional! Thank You Lord for being steadfastly intentional for me!!
I know that I know God has a plan to prosper me and not harm me. Jeremiah 29
I know that I know He will never leave me. Deuteronomy 31
I know that I know He forgives me, loves me and hears me. John 3
I know that I know He is the Orchestrator of my life, leading me in my endeavors, my relationships, in my parenting, friendships, service, ministry, etc. Isaiah 40
I know that I know nothing escapes His care or His provision. 
Yes, bad things will still happen this side of eternity, but I know that I know I am Redeemed by the Great I Am. I am protected by The King of Kings. I am not a loss cause. I am not alone. I know that I know He hears my cries and my prayers and rejoices in my accomplishments even if I have failed the 10 times before. 
I know that I know God loves every single one of us and has a divinely great plan for a beautiful life, free of....assumptions!
If this is you too, (I am assuming I am not the only one who has been here), don't assume another day. Live fully, embracing each day's plan and grace for every moment. Be intentional in knowing what it is you need to get your head and heart wrapped around, to bring glory to the One Intentional God. How? Let go of being in control and Trust The Only Faithful and Steadfast One. Surrender your fears and assumptions into Hope Himself. You must be in His Word. You must pray and talk to Him, learning to listen for His voice. How else will you know Him? It was through digging into His Word searching for Him, worshiping Him in truth, not feeling. Praying in petition and in waiting for His response. It was remembering Who was in charge of my life, the comings and goings, the direction and the provision of every day. Calling out to The One I knew heard me, saw me and held me. Knowing in my head the Truth while embracing the Heart of The One who held mine together. It was remembering that God was ultimately in control and I needed to trust Him, loving Him above all else, with all my heart and might.
Life is best lived, intentionally living and loving, giving life and blessings, while receiving life and blessings!! Life is good because God is good! Hallelujah!!!!!
Thank You Lord for intentionally creating the world, and all that is within it, seen and unseen. Thank You for the grace You alone cover us with so that we can work out our insecurities, inadequacies, our callings for Your glory this side of Heaven. May we never assume Your love, mercy, forgiveness, peace, comfort. May we never assume Your grace will run out. Help us in our minds to embrace the knowledge of who You are and help our hearts to grasp how deep and wide Your love for us is. God, we are so sorry for taking the weight of burdens in this life upon our own shoulders. May we call to mind Your love and friendship that are never ceasing. Thank You for Your Word to teach us what we need to know. Thank You for your friendship and Fatherhood that proves it. Thank You Holy Spirit for leading us, encouraging us, prompting us to remember and to worship in truth! You are a great, great God...I know that I know this is true!! Bless Your Holy Name, amen.

Psalm 57, "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.  

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness! My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts-- the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!

Let your glory be over all the earth! They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down. They dug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves.
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!"

Happy 5 Year Anniversary Birthday to Me!!!

Happy 5 year Anniversary of Freedom to me!!!!! I never really used to focus on my bday, it was mostly for the kids~ cakes and cards, laughter and fun. But, birthdays should be celebrated, as we look back and ponder lessons learned over the past year and cherish memories made, and let go of past failures. As much as I "hated" that dreadful year, I celebrate what God had done to bring me to that place of nothing, so I could have everything!! 
For those who haven't followed me from the beginning, and don't know me, I went through a tough season, aka A Season of Hell, as I suffered with panic attacks, anxiety attacks and depression. It was incredibly tough and for those of you who have had one, or who also deal with anxiety, you know. My life at this point had to become very purposeful, guarded and intentional. There was a lot on the line, my marriage, my family, my reputation, my very life...my witness of who Christ was to me.
After TONS of testing, counseling, healing oils, new eating habits, vitamins, exercise, quiet times/meditations moments, research, breathing techniques and a very intentional prayer and scripture memory season, my thirst was once again quenched by The Living Water and my heart made healthy on feasting on my Daily Bread. The bondage of fear was lifted, the chains were broken and I was Free Indeed!!! I felt lighter, literally. Emotionally and Physically, the burden of pain that weighted my heart and soul nearly all my life, had been lifted. No longer did I live with the "What if (blank) happens?" and controlling fear. My entire life had filtered through, "What if."
I began that process in December 2008 and through every thing intentional- physically, emotionally and spiritually, God gave me freedom. And what a perfect time to declare it than on my birthday, that April 4, 2009! On my own, I had learned that what I had been doing was called exposure therapy. I went from fearing the planes flying overhead, declaring I would never fly again, to celebrating the step that I could actually go inside an airport again! My husband was floored when he walked out of the walkway to see me standing there, inside... at the gate with the kids to pick him up. It was a huge victory! It took a week of laps around the airport, looking at pictures, to get me there. Eventually, I flew short flights at first, even a little prop plane with 4 seats and I had to step up, on a ladder...on the wing just to get in it....oh my goodness that is a whole other story for another time!!!!!!....and lots of scripture cards in hand with oils all over me to get to that place. Since then, I have logged many miles with some more stressful than others, but praise God, I have risen above the clouds and to God be all the glory!!!
I also graduated to higher floors in the elevators and handled crowded places better and got back on a boat. So, I, being the list person I am, I set up the final test and we headed to Galveston for an overnight bday celebration! We stayed on the top floor, rode a boat, went under (and lingered through the anxiety till it stopped) a tunnel and stood with my toes touching the window, looking over out my window, on the edge! No panic or anxiety attack!!! WOW and AMEN!! I know this seems trivial and maybe even ridiculous to some but it's okay. Another thing I have had to learn is acceptance for where I am at any time on my journey in life, and letting go of the fear of judgement. My victory is not your victory. My milestones may be your landmarks and that's okay. I have come to accept and appreciate how we are all uniquely, "fearfully and wonderfully made" created for His purpose and glory.
So, here I am 5 years later, still with smaller thorns in my flesh but praise God, a flesh without chains!! I still have to live a very intentional life, even though I get lazy sometimes, I admit. But my heart desires to be pure before the Lord, my heart to encourage and minister to others is strong. It has been through this pruning and uprooting in my life that my strong-will is a blessing. I fight to be stronger, to be Proverbs wiser and sharper, to be healthier for His name sake and not my own. 
I will never forget that desperate December Day in 2008, crouched on the floor, when I gave myself over in absolute depletion to my God and uttered, "I can't do this anymore. I cannot live another day like this, in this pit alone without You. Please just bring me Home with You." Although I have many stories of moments like this where God revealed Himself to me, this one I will never forget. After months of void, He returned, my Shelter over me, my Shield and my Refuge, my Strength and my Hope, He returned. I felt like Job. "Please God, no more here. I just want You." He was always there. It was in that moment, I felt Him near and He spoke to me saying, "If you want to encourage others in my Name, how will you do it if you are not even here to do it?!" I sat frozen for a minute, it had been a long dry wilderness since I had felt Him and especially heard Him and this was a drenching rain on my dried out "soul." My reply back was, "But I have nothing anymore, I can't. If You want me to do it, then You have to help me and do it for me." And the healing journey began. 
I began moving forward and not backwards. That's right where He wants us, living on His breath, His strength, His wisdom. What I felt was the end of my life, was actually the beginning of really living! Oh the stories I could share and I pray that my blog has encompassed many of them. I blog to encourage and to remember, for myself and for others.
I no longer see myself as broken and shattered pieces. I have been made whole and am held together by the grace and mercy of my God. He is my glue. His Word is healing to my flesh. Without Him, I will fall apart and on those days I am lazy, my pieces begin to rattle and I am quickly reminded of my Glue and how I must guard it. I do not want to fall apart again. I do not want to leave open doors for satan to get a foot-hold, so I must live intentional, standing firm on the foundation of Christ, guarding my heart and mind and spirit in the Name of Jesus, and that victory is His! There are testings and prunings that will continue to shape me and test me to make me stronger, I have those as we all do. But I pray that these 5 years have at least taught me one thing, God never moves out of our reach. Like Peter in the boat, God grabbed his lifted hand before he sank. He is near to us just the same. He will never leave us of forsake us. I pray and confess my unbelief will be quickly redeemed and restored to active belief.
For the past 5 years, I now celebrate what has happened and say Thank You Lord, but I also look forward with hope and anticipation at what is next in every tomorrow as I live intentionally for every Today!! I don't want to go back to yester years. Me today knows the Lord better than ever before, loves Him more than ever before and looks forward to each day I breath in His grace than ever before. Not every day is blissful and full of roses, but every day God is God and that is my victory and joy!!!!! He is worth living for!
I still say "Better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere" Lord Jesus. You are my everything and my heart and hands lift to praise You alone, my All in All, my Prince of Peace and Mighty Healer, Provider, Protector, Abba Father, Caring  Friend and All Sufficient Savior. There is none like You, and I don't want anyone else but You. You are my Lord, my King, my God, my Refuge, my Redeemer, My Strength, My Everything!!! Amen.
Our encouragement from Romans 8:

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."