Shackled Joy

As far back as I can remember, I’ve been intimidated by strong personalities. In this new season of personal reflection and growth, I have come to realize it was the fear of courage and strength, so weird. Something I needed, and wanted... yet feared. I see it in others and wish that could be me, but it wasn't. Why?!? The enemy is very slick and patient.

Physical Fear: I grew up in a school where fist fights during the lunch break were a daily thing, bullies ran the hallways, assaults in our community seemed overwhelming. As a young girl, the fear was real and there seemed to be no escaping it. I knew it was just a matter of time before I might fall victim to the whim of evil. Watching the news was only affirmation that we lived in an unsafe and powerful world and strong people were threats to my personal safety. My soul was cornered by fear, terrified to live but happy to be alive if that even makes sense.
Over the years, I avoided people or environments that involved intense emotions, violence, power, anger, usually alcohol was center stage. Making the wrong move in public, saying something negative to someone, feeling angry myself, being around large groups, being around people who were drinking, hearing people argue, watching wrestling or boxing on tv or in real life triggered me into a flight mode. 

Emotional Fear: Becoming a Mom was the greatest joy and the greatest fear in my life. How was I going to keep my baby safe (physical) and make all the right choices (emotional)?! What if I messed up, what if other Moms saw my “less than” because my kids didn’t have the new trendy clothes, or didn’t like veggies, didn’t have a bday party every year, what if teachers judged me that my kids didn’t have a salad in their daily lunch or a homemade cookie or thought I was uncaring for not making cupcakes for the class on every party day. Fear always says what if you don’t measure up...everyone will know.

People pleasing was a coping mechanism to avoid arguments and conflict. I am a Lead with the Heart personality, yet inside fear was the guiding voice of all my “shouldas” and “havetas.” Decisions were made based on the presumed consequesnces if I didn’t do something rather than seeing the blessings if I did. Keeping peace and felling protection meant I was passive. Often, a doormat. It was just easier, so I felt. I easily followed and never led. Fear created what felt like a sort of safe zone for me. Power triggered fear. Strong personalities were loose canons to me. Loudness was intimidating. Parties and crowds felt like traps not quickly escaped.

Fear keeps us running circles around our own thoughts and controls our behaviors. Fear shrinks us but faith strengthens us. To be sure, I am a Christ Follower, I have faith...I just didn’t know how to have safe courage. Bravery, boldness, and leadership seemed like it was something everyone else had and some thing I just didn't have. The End. So I thought.

Fear has been a clever and quiet controller almost all my life. Perfectionism and people pleasing shaped me and guarded me even though my heart had hidden joy for life inside. The mask of Joy I wore daily seemed real. I had become really good at hiding insecurity and fear. Fear shackled my joy. Any decision that could involve conflict or failure were avoided to certain degrees in every area of my life. I still married, still became a Mom, still served in ministry and leadership but it was all done in shackled joy.

But God...The Lord is not going to sit back and watch His children remain shackled. We’ve been created for a purpose and equipped to accomplish it through Him and His strength, despite our weaknesses and insecurities because He is able, because He is Lord and He created each of us with a purpose in mind. His Grace is more than enough and we can walk in it boldly, confidently and powerfully. 

I used to fear-fear God. After all, He’s very powerful. But in His grace, and in the battle for my joy in the heavenly places I cannot see, He has been fighting for me. The very thing that terrified me, He’s been doing on my behalf, fighting huge battle to protect me, and not harm me. He has shown me that fighting is often necessary and righteous fear, fearing the right things is healthy. I am thankful for the gift of discernment I have always had to sense evil intentions but instead of the awareness crippling me, it now empowers me to be on guard and aware. There is a real battle for our hearts and our minds and we actually do have to fight. We should get angry about injustice and sin, while not sinning. We need fear in its rightful place under our feet. It can motivate us, but it will not lead us.

For us shy and recovering insecure girls, sensing power in ourself is scary at first. Those of you with bold, courageous personalities probably won’t understand any of this and it’s ok but I pray it opens your eyes to give extra grace to those in your life facing their fears, that you may lead by patient example, interceding for the release of the chains that hold them down.

Shackles are breaking and joy is being released! The weight of expectations, is so heavy. As Worship increases, so do Faith and Peace. Faith deepens our trust and when we trust deeper, we have Peace and when we have Peace, we have joy. As I learn to walk courageously against fear, my joy has increased. I recognize on this side of healing that fear is something that can shrink while courage magnifies joy, hope, faith and love. There is no joy in fear. If you feel scared, depleted, anxious, exhausted, cornered, judged, useless...you would be wise to check what you are bound to. A spirit bound to fear will drown but a spirit bound to Christ will soar. 

Friend, the Cross has set you free because of the blood of Jesus. The enemy knows this and is hoping you forget! This is why I blog and am kicking down walls fear built because I know I haven't been alone in this and I have experienced this beautiful freedom and can't help but share it to release the hold of fear for just one other person. I get it. Our minds are powerful things but the enemy seeks to control it and you must saturate yourself in The Word and dwell on the Truths in there. Once you wrap your head around the fact you are a Child of God, you have the victory in battle, you have the power of the Holy God living in you as a Believer...your world will change! The way you see it and the way you live it.

You are gonna have to fight! Yes, it will be awkward at first but it will free you! Fear can stop growing but you have to take charge! You have to step out in Grace and Faith with zeal and trust! You are more than a conqueror friend and there is more to this life than you just getting through it. You do have a purpose. Your paycheck, your title, your social media likes are not affirmation to your value. You are made in the image of God and were created for a life of purpose and hope, life and joy, peace that surpasses all understanding. You can walk through fire. You can do amazing things scared. Just lean into His strength and receive grace to make mistakes knowing you aren't a failure. You are simply figuring it out by faith. 

Ask the Lord to show you the people in your life who are authentically walking by faith and not fear. I would dare to say He has placed people around you with the iron sharpening tools you need but you've been too afraid to approach them and truly embrace relationships with them, because you're too afraid of being hurt or of failing in front of them. Cut off those fears and go to them. Share with them the journey you are on and let them see your heart. Ask them to be praying for you and ask for mentorship or wisdom in areas in your life you want to grow. I could not have done it without mine. 

Take courage and take up your iron. It's time to get up and gird up! Oh how grateful I am to have these iron sharpeners in my life, and some are unaware of their witness of example to me. I see them. They encourage me greatly.

Do not allow the enemy to shackel your joy anymore. Today, choose Joy. Today, stop fearing fear, stop worrying about measuring up to others or with others. Turn back your eyes to the Cross of Victory and look at the Empty Tomb of a risen Lord who dwells with you as you go and has conquered death. You are not alone and life will not ever be perfect and easy. But God. He stands near with outstretched arms to hold you close and show you The Way to joy, peace, and love. Love has set you FREE! Now walk in it!‬‬

Romans 8: "5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 

6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" 

16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 

17 and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 

27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 

32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 

33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 

34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 

36 As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." 

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 

39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

There are many verses in The Bible on fear, hope, courage, confidence and joy. Type whatever you are struggling with in the search bar of your Bible App or look in the index in the back of your Bible and start reading and reflecting on Truth! It is the Power to set you FREE!

“To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God, who created all things, so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through our faith in Him.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:8-12‬ ‭ESV

Overcoming The Blahs with Blessings

You just can't seem to shake it. That feeling of defeat. The weight in your body pulling you downward. Your legs and arms droop. You have the energy of a sloth. The sun seems too bright for your eyes, your heart feels deflated and your mindfulness escapes you. Blah. That's how you'd respond if someone asked you how you were feeling. I've heard it called Spring Fever, Depression, being in a Slump, having the Blues, etc and the degrees of it range the arc of a rainbow.

There's many factors that contribute to the "blahs" from hormones to life circumstances, immediate or on going. While I think there are obvious times of the year such as holidays and after New Year's we are most susceptible to feeling depressive, it can be a seasonal and random thing for any one of us. 

I am brought to prayer and writing today after seeing a few friends sharing their recent blues. The old saying "Takes one to know one" comes to mind as my heart skips a beat in shared sorrow but also in the desire to encourage. I have been here and have a tendency to be 'blah' too, so how do we break out of the blahs?!

It goes without saying but I will say it in case someone needs it to be said, if you have feelings of great despair, deplete and feel as if you have gotten to the place where death seems like your best option, you must, you must, you must reach out to your Pastor or other clergy in your church, or seek a professional counseling center in your area. This is a pit you will not navigate out alone, and you shouldn't have to. 

You are loved and there are people God has placed in your location and life, for such a time as this, to touch your heart and soul for Him and you are not alone. Reach out and reach up for that Hand. Do not waste another moment, go.

For those days and seasons we walk through the uncalendared season of Blah, what can we do to shake off the blah? Bottom line for me is Worship. Worship wipes out worry and ushers in joy. Worship is the vitamin our heart needs to be healthy. The enemy cannot steal the joy, peace or focus of a woman in deep worship.

What then is worship? According to Webster's Dictionary, worship means,
: to honor or reverence as a divine being or supernatural power 
: to regard with great or extravagant respect, honor, or devotion a celebrity worshipped by her fans
: to perform or take part in worship or an act of worship

Notice it doesn't say worship is something you do for 30 minutes each week at a local church. Worship is not the singing portion of a church service. Yes, we worship the Lord through song and prayer during a corporate gathering, but the act of worship is a lifestyle, a way of thinking and living. It's the intention of the moment or activity. To honor the Lord, to put in action that which is our heart's belief of adoration.

  "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe,  for our God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12:1-2, 28-29 ESV

Each time we choose to worship over our worry of woes, our spirit refreshes and stirs the embers of Light in your soul. Worry and defeating thoughts pour water on our embers. Depending on how much you are watering your fire, depends on how quickly your Light will burn out. Even a steady drip of water can sizzle out a fire, one drop at a time if nothing else fans that flame. And when that gush pours over you due to a life crisis, how much more you can withstand if your fire was beyond the borders of it's reach. One drop of water can't put out the flares of the sun or diffuse a volcano, but it will put out the flame of a candle.

Now how? How do we worship when we feel blah? In every way: body mind, soul and spirit. 

Spiritually, first and foremost, you must be in The Word of God and not just self-help or fantasy books or blogs. It's easier to read a quick "feel good" about positive thinking but The Word of God is alive and active, diving truth (Hebrews 4:12) which is crucial to your identity, purpose and practicalness. You have an enemy who fears you staying fixed on Jesus and falling deeper in love with Him. 

The enemy seeks to destroy and divide in many ways and defeating thoughts and depression are a few of them. Let God tell you who He is, who you are in Him, the purpose He has for you and how together with Him you will accomplish these things. The spirit intercedes on our behalf when our groans are too great and words escape us. If all you can utter is one thing, say Jesus. There is incredible power in His name alone. Speak it out loud and remind the enemy Who you are seeking and worshiping. 

Emotionally and practically in your day, turn on Christian music whether it be your local radio or online station or Spotify app. During these days, you need the words to proclaim your heart and mind cannot pour out apart from the help of those God has gifted as song writers and worship leaders to draw your heart and mind into active worship through song. Words shape our prayers. 

Watch what you are putting into your body, like sugars, alcohol, drugs, unhealthy foods and energy drinks. I have to be mindful of my diet when I am blah. For a period of time, I had to cut all sugars and focused on cleaner eating and that's not easy when you have loss of appetite and want a warm chocolate chip cookie (or two) or a frozen ice cream as comfort food. Confession between us: I am a Dr Pepper or Southern Sweet Tea Girl paired with some salty hot fries when I need a little comfort food. I don't drink alcohol so these are my Go Tos.

Once you get past the first day or two, it gets easier I promise. Choose wisely and practically. Make some protein shakes that give you a meal's serving and great base for snacks and grab some good salad makings. Don't cheat yourself from good bacon and croutons! If we're gonna be good, let's make it a delicious good! Choose to worship with your bodily choices. Your body is a temple, keep it pure for His breath to fan the flames.

Exercise and/or activity are equally necessary. Believe me, the couch, my blankets and my puppy are the perfect cuddle for comfort. Slipping back under the covers for sleep while may be a temporary escape, and if you genuinely need a nap, take one, but do not sleep your days and nights away. You lose muscle tone and endorphins deplete. 

Whatever (healthy) hobby you enjoy, do it. Grab your paint brush, camera, pet, walking shoes, weights, make up, book, hammer, computer and muster up the energy to determine to "just do it." You will feel so much better, then your next outing ought to be with a friend. Go for a walk, meet for lunch, go sit at the shore. Definitely don't go to the bar or mall, where you can create more problems in your moment of deplete. 

Allow your mind to relax and your heart to receive. 

Laughter truly is contagious and healing. Be honest with your friend and be vulnerable. Share your blah with her and allow her to minister to you through prayer, help and hugs. Since moving to Florida, simply taking in a little salty air for a lunch break or a sunset bless my soul like nothing else these days. I am not a star-gazing girl, but the Lord has brought me outside at night over the past year to gaze at the stars he calls out every single night. It's an amazing thing to be reminded of His consistency. At the end of a tough day, I'll go stand in the middle of my yard and just look up. More than Twinkle Twinkle wishes, it's worshiping the Star Himself.

I cannot tell you how many times over the years pride shut me down but God....He is gracious and merciful to stir in a friend's heart to reach out. Knowing I should say Yes, I do and it is exactly the thing my soul needs. There's a few Sister Friends that just see right through me and know when I need a prayer or a laugh and boy can they bring it in Jesus name. Divine appointments are one God sends to us, for us to receive and return to Him His glory and love. They may be obvious, but maybe it's just a thing He does unseen. This is where faith is. This is where hope anchors us.

There comes a warning in here too, to make sure you don't become self-absorbed and settle into the attention that comes from pity parties. Turn your blah into someone elses blessing. How can you make someone else smile and feel loved today? Who can you serve in Jesus name?

David penned Psalms representing every feel there is known to man from fear to ferocious love. As you read The Word, be sure to include the reading of The Psalms and find passages that express how you feel and know you're not alone in them. But also find Psalms that express your praise and adoration, and hope. I love Psalm 18 and it's my go to (one day I will memorize it) for worshiping in Truth and promise. 

There's so many other things you can research online and find like journaling tips, breathing techniques, foods for boosting mindfulness, and you can do that but my heart encouragement for you is to simply Be still and seek the heart whisper of Jesus. Settle yourself enough to feel yourself inhale Grace. Exhale the blah. With each breath, worship and exhale the words out loud. In the fire, He is with you. In deep waters where your feet no longer reach, He lifts you. He is faithful and near, you can trust Him.

There is power in the beautiful name of Jesus. Exchange your blah for blessings abundant and watch your Light explode for our God is a consuming fire and darkness cannot drown it out! Oh Lord, we praise You Most High as conquerors in Your name. We believe nothing can separate us from Your amazing love as declared in Romans 8. 

Lift our eyes and strengthen our limbs to lean into your hold. Be our shield against the sinful thoughts of this broken world and release the chains that bind us and weight us down that we may be free to move where You lead us. Return to us the joy of our salvation and breath reviving breath back into the lungs of our souls. We are asking, seeking and trusting You, we worship You, Jesus. Praise Your name, in the Name of Jesus, amen and amen.

The Lord Is My Rock and My Fortress

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, the servant of the Lord, who addressed the words of this song to the Lord on the day when the Lord rescued him from the hand of all his enemies, and from the hand of Saul. He said:

I love you, O LORD, my strength. 
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies. 

 The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. 

In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears. 

Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations also of the mountains trembled and quaked, because he was angry. Smoke went up from his nostrils, and devouring fire from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him. 

He bowed the heavens and came down; thick darkness was under his feet. He rode on a cherub and flew; he came swiftly on the wings of the wind. 

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him, thick clouds dark with water. Out of the brightness before him hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds. 

The LORD also thundered in the heavens, and the Most High uttered his voice, hailstones and coals of fire. And he sent out his arrows and scattered them; he flashed forth lightnings and routed them. Then the channels of the sea were seen, and the foundations of the world were laid bare at your rebuke, O LORD, at the blast of the breath of your nostrils. 

He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. 

He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. 

They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. 

The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me. For I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God. 

For all his rules were before me, and his statutes I did not put away from me. I was blameless before him, and I kept myself from my guilt. 

So the LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight. 

With the merciful you show yourself merciful; with the blameless man you show yourself blameless; with the purified you show yourself pure; and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous. For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down. For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. 

For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. 

This God--his way is perfect;the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. 

For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?-- the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. 

You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. 

You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip. I pursued my enemies and overtook them, and did not turn back till they were consumed. 

I thrust them through, so that they were not able to rise; they fell under my feet. For you equipped me with strength for the battle; you made those who rise against me sink under me. 

You made my enemies turn their backs to me, and those who hated me I destroyed. 

They cried for help, but there was none to save; they cried to the LORD, but he did not answer them.  I beat them fine as dust before the wind; I cast them out like the mire of the streets. 

You delivered me from strife with the people; you made me the head of the nations; people whom I had not known served me. As soon as they heard of me they obeyed me; foreigners came cringing to me. 

Foreigners lost heart and came trembling out of their fortresses. 

The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation--  the God who gave me vengeance and subdued peoples under me, 

who delivered me from my enemies; yes, you exalted me above those who rose against me; you rescued me from the man of violence. 

For this I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations, and sing to your name. 

Great salvation he brings to his king, and shows steadfast love to his anointed, to David and his offspring forever. Psalm 18

Resurrected Life

Praising His Breath in Honduras 2010 

"Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery"

Revelation. One of my favorite songs of worship. Our church sang it's anthem of praise this morning in worship. It wasn't until 2008-2009 I understood what "awestruck wonder" meant and what it felt like. 

I mean, my husband and I welcomed four beautiful bundles fresh from Heaven and they each took our breath away, first from the physical pain (totally) and then from the awed wonder of looking upon these fresh souls from Heaven.

But there's another wonder that touches the deepest part of my soul, a marvelous "awestruck wonder" only Heaven Himself could be. "At the mention of Your Name Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water. Such a marvelous mystery!!" The Name of Jesus...the gasp of my soul.

When the panic attacks flooded my body beginning in December 2008, they literally took away my breath. Sharp pains flashed through my chest and left arm, my depressed lungs held captive by the pain, my heart creating it's own tempo. My world closed in while thoughts spun around at the outer edge of my conscience. The deepest part of me was raging, attempting to process this sudden crisis, looking for the way out. 

As the wave of panic and adrenaline would begin to swell up from my mid-stomach like the contraction of a laboring new Mother, rising into my lungs, suffocating my breath, heart fluttering in terror, my body became paralyzed from movement. I spun but the world was too.

Lifting my right hand over my heart, I calmly yet desperately inhaled a deep breath, and patted firmly on my chest, speaking words of worship in the weakest of voice, proclaiming to My God and my enemy Who and Where my Help was coming from, Who I trusted to save me and give me my breath of life back. Often the only words I could utter were "Be still my soul, be still." These lyrics come from a beautiful song Kari Jobe recorded. You can listen to it (click here.) 

With a spirit that grew into worshipful surrender, I learned to breath through the random, painful contractions of my body and mind, leaning into The One Who sustained every exhale of my shallow breaths. 

This may be the very season the Lord removed from me the desire for alcohol (calling me into a commitment of abstinence in 1994) so many years ago, for this season may have been a time to escape with it. Instead, I had my Jesus and beautiful oils to aid my mind and heart, and prayer. 

He held me one breath at a time as I surrendered in worship, trust and patience. Having been through four childbirths, I understood the importance of relaxing and breathing through these pain-filled, overwhelming minutes, seeming to have no end or repreave, until it simply did. 

I would sit there, wiping away the secret tears caught in the hands of my Savior, quietly regrouping myself there on the couch, in the car, at the store, at a friends house, even at church on a pew, only sometimes to encounter another soon after. The exhaustion was intense and sudden, as if a burst of energy had me running down the street yet I was seated. 

They were random and unpredictable, and private. I excused myself to escape embarrassment or shame, mostly the attention of something being wrong. I barely handled the truth of my situation, how could I have possibly exposed this fear to another only to have no words to explain it and no real way for them to stop it for me?! 

Confusion and pride helped me escape attention. I got busy and had a bigger smile each time. If I was pacing, I was panicking. But to anyone watching, I was a good helper and great cleaner!! All my mind could think was "This is the end of you and your encouragement ministry, children's and women's ministry. You're done." 

Panic turned to depression each day the attacks rolled through. I not only had to process losing my circumstantial control and identity, but my hopeful one day ministry. I grieved daily. The more I fought against it, the more the anxiety and sadness consumed my soul.

2008

As a Mother soothes her scared or hurting crying baby, gently but firmly patting them on their back, I sought and found the same rescue of my Abba Father over me as my heart and soul cried out for a deep need of rescue. 

Most often in trembling breath, the whisper of His Name, Jesus, was all I could utter. His Name was a soothing balm over my deepest, freshest wound.

My Help and Rescue, my resurrected soul redeemed by Awestruck Wonder and Grace breathed in and out. 

How beautiful and powerful the mention of His Name, Jesus, who is Power, Breath and Living Water, such a marvelous Mystery. 

Awestruck Wonder believed upon, hoped for and trusted. The more I surrendered into His hold, the less I fretted and feared. I had to trust Him to be Who He said He was. He was and is faithful. 

Thankfully, the Lord knew I what I needed even though I didn't want it, I needed His tangible touch. He had already given me a wonderful family even though they were grieving for me too. God sent me trustworthy Sisters in Christ who committed to pray over me, being my strength and focus when I had none. Sometimes the physical strength of those hugs compressed my chest enough to diffuse my trembling heart. 

He synced me with Love poured out and embraced. 

 
This is how Where Faith Is was born. I was terrified of the fear of judgement from others, yet I knew the Lord has asked me to let this be my missional ministry, to care more about not displaying the Glory of The Cross than my own glory/reputation being destroyed. 

I didn't even have words capable, but the Lord, one typed out keyword at a time, one post at a time, one blog at a time, poured out through the screen. Women began reaching out to me secretly sharing they were experiencing the same thing and were so scared. 

One by one the ministry of encouragement took root and spread. The once Professional Mask Wearing Overthinking Fearful Perfectionist who was afraid to disappoint her Savior, learned how to peel it off one thin layer at a time, to the glory of God alone. First through the screen and now whenever I have the opportunity to share, I will. 

Honestly, it's not always easy, it's a thorn in my flesh the enemy tries to press in and make me twinge but I immediately praise the Lord of Wonder there is no sting in death and remind him Who has me.

God is my All in All and He can be yours too, if you believe. Because of the Cross, because of the Grave, because He rose again on the 3rd day, you have Victory in Jesus' Name! Praise the Lord!!
Here on Resurrection Week, I am reminded of the even greater pain endured by my Sweet Savior. His suffering on all of our behalves, Why would He? How could He? Love is the answer. I am awestruck at the Grace Breath of God Who takes away the sins of the world, redeems and heals, restores and refreshes, oh Mighty is He!

 
Resurrection Week, for me, not only celebrates the awestruck wonder that God resurrected my soul from the grave, first with my Salvation, but once again in April 2009, gifting me Life every single day when I thought there was none left in me, but cherishes, adores, worships the very One Who gave His everything, blood poured out, setting straight the narrow path to Peace and Everlasting Life, here and forever more, once and for all. He is Lord. He is Father. He is King. He is mine!! And I am His! This is the mission fuel for living life and doing ministry in His name. Jesus, Faithful Friend and Father. Amen.

My LIFE BREATH Today

Friend, no matter what you are facing today, even when there are no words falling off your lips, or thoughts to utter, may you find the strength to call upon the Name of Jesus and not be overcome by fear and shame, but rather overwhelmed in awestruck wonder at the mention of His Powerful and Mighty Name...Jesus. 

Open your hands and heart to His Healing grace and believe He is with you. He will calm your raging seas. Trust He holds your every moment. Be patient and embrace the awestruck wonder of His Mighty Name. He very much is your Breath and your Refuge in the storms and valleys and in the deepest pits. Rest in His care and inhale the wonder and majesty of Healing Grace. You are not alone. Nothing is impossible for Him. Be still and be held. 

The joy of the Lord will be your strength. In the Name of Jesus we praise in Word and worshiping song and dance, amen and amen.

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" Psalm 61:1-4 ESV

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:1-8, 17-19 ESV

17 Year Old Miracle Named Cody

Today is my second oldest's bday! Soooo hard to believe it has been 17 years with this guy! I am soooo thankful God kept him here for us to love and hold. In the beginning, we weren't sure we would be able to.

His big brother was born May 1997. Pregnant with hopeful baby #2, I miscarried. Surprisingly, a few months later I found myself expecting once again. At 16 weeks, I began having contractions. It turned out that my hormone levels from the miscarriage a few months prior had not return to normal so my body thought it was further along than it actually was. (My body liked being pregnant as much as I did.) I was sent home with a monitor that measured my contractions and was placed on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. A handful of times I was sent back to the hospital for an overnight observation due to high numbers and intensity. Thankfully, prayers were heard and God carried us through week by week.
Our dear friends and family were soooo good to us. They brought us 3 meals a week, they took Big Brother Collin who was about 1 1/2 years old to preschool twice a week for me and on occasional play dates, helped with runs to the grocery store, did laundry and brought me my Sonic ice cravings and carrot cake fixes now and then! 
Contractions continued throughout the entire pregnancy but so did our prayers and faith. 
After 24 weeks, I was given permission to go out 2 times a week in a wheelchair. I asked because I missed the fellowship of my church and attending worship! Wish granted! I was allowed to go for 2 hours on Sundays and Wednesdays only, then it was back to bed. It was so great to get out of the house. 
Finally the day came where I could be free from all restrictions and within a few days, we found ourselves at the hospital. I called my sister the night before, November 29th and told her that she needed to stay close to the phone cuz I had a feeling!! Sure enough, we went in and stayed:) They broke my water at Noon while my Mom and Josh went to lunch and an hour later, I had to call them to come back because it was time! They came rushing back and at 2:31pm on November 30, 1999, we welcomed our 2nd miracle Cody Wayne Dickerson weighing in at 8lbs 1oz. That blue eyed, golden hair beautiful baby boy captured our hearts immediately! It was such a relief to hold him after sooooo many months of wondering if this moment would be a joyful one or a sorrowful one. God has Cody's days planned out and even though he was 2 weeks early on my calendar, he was perfectly delivered on God's calendar of time. 
Cody is the one person who can make me laugh till my back hurts. He gets others to see the world creatively and with lots of humor! When he was a baby, people would always stop me and comment on his golden hair and called him The Gerber Baby, he was so gorgeous and a bundle of love. 
In our family, he is our Cody-Bug. We love him sooo much! He loves people, reading, theatre, making people laugh, brainstorming, loves mind puzzles and a good debate, is creative, enjoys playing and having fun, loves his family, seeks the best in others, offers a helping hand at the first sign of there being a need and has great compassion for others. He is also an animal lover and sugar lover like his Mama. His greatest love is the Lord! He is SCUBA and has played every sport out there I think, with golf and tennis his favorites. 
I could only dream of having his energy, creativity and intelligence. His big brother loves him even though he annoys him often with his big dramatic moments and his little brother and sister love playing with him. Where Cody is, the party is!! He's a party in one!!!! I could write story upon story about life with him but there isn't enough time to share all the fun memories he has created!! 
Love this crazy creative playful young man! Thanking God for Cody especially today!! Thanking God for an awesome 17 years with this ball of fun and praying God blesses his life and guards his pure love and joy in life forever!!! 
Happy bday big boy!!!! May you never loose faith, love or laughter! Keep Christ first always!!! Love you so very much!!!! ~Mom  

 

A Discombobulated Heart

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1 (ESV) That's not always easy is it?!? When our hearts hurt so much we can't feel it's pulse anymore. When our minds almost feel so numb we have no thoughts. When our soul is so burdened and heavy, we feel weightless. I have found this to be true during the seasons that are the darkest for whatever reason it might be. An overwhelmed soul. A burdened heart and an unsure mind.

I recently experienced such a heart draining season. It wasn't a loss of any one thing, but an accumulation of many things that saddened my soul. My marriage is good. My kids are all healthy. I have amazing friends. As far as I know, my health is okay (despite the continual fight of fatigue), yes, "though my outward body is failing, my inner is renewing day by day," believe me, I know! And for goodness sakes, I live in Paradise. So really, how could I possibly be downcast?!? Believe me, I wondered the same thing day after day. But there's that cloud, that blahness of nothingness. Anyone else feel that way in some seasons?

It is possible to feel such a weight of sadness, eating is something that has to be forced, getting out of bed is a struggle much less housekeeping or having to work, getting out of the house seems like a daunting task, and the thought of going to lunch with a friend isn't even an option. Then there is church. We go because it's what we do week after week. We wouldn't dare draw attention to ourselves by not showing up, and we don't want to lie and say "we didn't feel good" even though it is absolutely true in our heart, so we go, putting on the best possible smile, and cute, but comfy outfit we have.

We hug quickly, avoid eye contact and get to our seats as fast as we can. Music plays and yet it passes right through us. We feel nothing. The Pastor prays and preaches, and we hear mumbled sentences in our numb minds. Nothing is sticking. Nothing is penetrating through the wounded walls of our souls. Until...the name of Jesus, The Word, is spoken. Our spirit leaps within us a hope of help! Please speak to me! Rescue me from this pit! Can you hear me out there?!? You can feel the stirring within you but you have no strength, but then you sense it....He sees your hurt. His hand catches your tears while the other grabs hold of your heart's hand. And....He weeps with you. Oh what relief to collapse and be lifted! What joy of relief! 

The Great Physician has come to heal this discombobulated heart! The Mighty Counselor, The Great I Am, hears my cries! The numbness subsides and you feel breath again. Finally, our heart is hugged. Finally, the joy of the Lord, is our strength once again. It is well with our soul! What amazing grace! We can face tomorrow with hope and joy!!

I don't know what you are facing in your life personally, directly or indirectly, but I pray these words comfort you knowing you are not alone. Even the most positive people, the strongest of us, fall downcast on our knees and can't get up right away. Ecclesiastes describes the variant of seasons we all walk through in our lifetime. How wonderful a God we serve to send not only His Comforter in our time of need, but He sends friends who meet us in these little hidden crawl spaces of life and shine His Light into the dark little corner where we sit.

Maybe you're not the one in a time of sadness, then I plea with you to be a Light to someone who is. You won't know it it until you seek them out. They certainly won't be drawing attention to themselves if they are Giver. Encouragers don't like to be seen, un-encouraging. Yes, I know, Takes one to know one.

You will see it in their eyes if you just look for 3 seconds. Most likely your Spirit inside you is pulling to hug the spirit inside of them! Do not pressure them into sharing, it's the very thing they can't simply do nor do they want to fall apart right there in front of you. But, be the hug from God. Let them know you are there when they are ready to share, or fellowship again. Send them scriptures of hope and encouragement to keep their eyes fixed on Jesus. Lift them up in prayer and fight the battle against despair with them and for them. Speak loving truth, help them stay pure and upright. Be that LightHouse, a source of Light in to their darkness. And if you want to be a super great friend, a little chocolate goes a long way!! LOL!!!

Friend, He sees you when you are hiding from everyone else. Satan wants you to isolate and self-destruct, but you must fight back in Jesus Name! God hears your words when none can be spoken. He notices the tears drenching your soul. When you can't muster the strength to fellowship with others, He is with you. When you feel empty and numb, remember the filler of your soul and simply cry out, "Jesus...." He hears you. He is near. I pray your joy comes in the morning and you feel your heart beating again. Grieve when and where you need to grieve but also rejoice and count your blessings. Worship The Great I Am, dance with Him, sit with Him, smile with Him. His heart is for you. Today, be where faith is. Trust His friendship. Rest in His Kingship.

May the Words of Psalm 34 (ESV) encourage you today as a declaration of your heart, soul and mind! Bless your heart eternally and now! Hugs&Hope, Michele

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth." 

My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad.

 Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together!

 I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

 This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. 

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! 

Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack!

 The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. 

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. 

What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? 

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. 

Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. 

The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry.

 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. 

When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. 

He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

 Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. 

The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned."

AMEN!!!!!

Finding My "Niche" with The Lord: Me Time vs God's Time

I have come to enjoy my early morning coffee and quiet time with The Lord of Glory. The air is crisp, the transformation of the sky is glorious and peaceful. The birds begin to stir and sing their songs from the treelines. There was a day not too many years past that it was a laborious act for me to rise early (when I didn't have to). I would set the alarm and turn it off and go back to sleep. I knew I needed to and wanted to. Maybe if I hadn't stayed up so late sometimes! But I had found the late evening hours a time of peace and quiet for me to detox from a busy, long day. No one was left to create more mess so it was the only time I could actually pick up and clean up for the next day. But morning came and I was too sleepy to get up and have any kind of focus. But I wanted to have quiet time with God that was sweet and satisfying. The only quiet times I had, I spent cleaning or finally getting to watch my own show. It was really Me Time not God's Time. My husband would tell me, "Go to bed earlier and you can get up earlier" (Easy for him to say...he is a natural morning person whereas I am more of a night owl). But see, he had disciplined himself to do that over that years and it was easier for him. I would eventually learn the same discipline despite my natural late night disposition. 
For years however, I had stayed up late, not able to wake up early, then, conviction consumed me and I would tell God, "Later today." Later today meant I would squeeze it in somewhere and my deep study time often turned into a quick 10min devotion as I waited for the kids to get off the school bus. Oddly, I would wake up wide awake at 3am. I came to realize it was God poking at me to get my attention. It appeared to be the only time of the day I was still and truly His. At first, I thought it was really cool but then it saddened me that He had to do that. Now when that happens, I am thankful because I know it's bonus time and He wants to be with me. They are some of the sweetest moments for me now. I know it's not because I haven't spoken to Him, it's just more time.
As time went on, convictions chiseled away at my lack of determination and lack of self-control. One day, I prayed. (Genius I know!) I prayed and asked God to help me discipline myself at night so I could rise early since it was my heart's desire to be able to really meet with Him. I had had enough and was tired of letting myself down. And He answered. I have heard it said, "Our house is a Home, not a Hotel." It was time to hold the family accountable to do their part in keeping it clean and running well. My mornings began to shift. And God started to meet with me. If my alarm was set for 5:30am, He would sit me straight up in my bed at 5:20am just as He had done for His 3am wake up calls. I was the craziest thing. I don't know how it happened, but God...His timing was perfect. And so the discipline began to shape my heart, my mind and tired body. 
Things had to change. It took great discipline to establish new cleaning routines at the end of the day with the kids helping to clean as we go so I didn't end up doing it all myself and having to stay up late. During the day, I have learned to get my chores done before 1pm. Sure, there are days things don't go according to plan and nights dishes and toys get left out but I know I will have to adjust and face them tomorrow and not grumble about the choice or circumstances from the day before. It rarely happens, but it's okay when it does. Life happens and I will always choose people over projects (thank you Pastor Tony for that reminder.) 
In the beginning, I got up and sat limp and glossy-eyed staring at my Bible Study, yet eager. As time went on, my mind processed quicker, my eyes grew clearer, my heart softened and my body began to crave the early morning feast of Bread & Water (and coffee!). Me Time turned into God's Time.
I may meet with Him, but I don't always study in the early mornings. Every season calls for a different pattern. When the kids were much younger, I knew nights could be interrupted making an early morning wake up an unfocused one, so I enjoyed meeting the Lord at their afternoon nap time every day at 2pm. As they grew older, nights were less interrupted, naps went away and I was able to get up early. When all the kids were in school and I had the time alone in the house, with discipline not to keep doing chores, I scheduled my study and quiet time sometime during the day before they returned home. 
For the past couple of years now, I have gotten into a similar routine. I am eager to rise early, make my cup of hot coffee and sit outside and pray. (I find that inside I am distracted to do something like clean or make breakfast.) Depending on the day or or how I am feeling (eager or exhausted), I may pull out my study material but I plan to take a study time later in the day before the kids return home from school. (I understand Homeschooling Moms-I did it too and you don't have a kid-free hour, but I encourage you to have specific quiet study time where Mom and kids have scheduled time of quiet whether they are also reading, doing homework or resting. Just make sure there is no moving around the house and no distractions or disruptions. It takes a few times to implement this intentional time but it will happen!) 
Once the kids are home from school, (project time is over), my focus turns to the family (people, not projects), they are the mission field God has given me. It is nearly impossible to have uninterrupted time to focus and study anyway, I know, I tried! I can do general reading, but not study. If I wait to study at night, I am usually too tired or I am needing to spend time with the hubby. So, my only guarded time for study and prayer is early morning or a day time hour alone. No matter what, every day begins and ends with prayer and acknowledgement of Him. "And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed." Mark 1:35. I can't help but wonder if this is why He went so early before He began His day's work serving others...He would not be interrupted and His Father was probably just as eager to meet with Him as The Son was. 
Honestly, there are days I don't get to sit down and study like I wish I could. Life happens. But I rest knowing that God knows my heart and sees my desire for Him daily, even if means I didn't get out pen and paper. I don't beat myself up over it either. Just as in any relationship, when we know the intentionality of the heart, we cherish and embrace the times we are together and look forward in anticipation to the next time whenever that may be, hopefully sooner than later!! My love for Him is not lazy!! So, be patient with yourself as you try new disciplines throughout your day and night to accomplish your goals with God! He will certainly do His part to be there, will you?!?
I share my own personal prayer and study habits as an encouragement (hopefully) to someone out here in BlogWorld who is needing some encouragement to find their niche. People can become so legalistic about "Quiet Times" about when and how they must be done, but I think time with the Lord is supposed to be an intentional time spent focused on Him and that will vary for each person and each season of their life. We are all in different places with different life circumstances and different types of jobs. But God is the Same! He just wants to meet with you right where you are. We must finally say Enough! and meet with Him out of love, not obligation, not because we have to or ought to, but because we sincerely desire to rest in Him and seek Him with all our heart to purpose our life and day. The old saying is true...you get out of it what you put into it. 
When we find our special niche of time with our Lord, our heart's will be filled with energy  purpose, joy and focus. His joy will be our strength. His ways will be our ways. Me Time becomes God's Time and nothing is sweeter or more satisfying!! "For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere." Psalm 84:10a Amen!!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13 ESV 

"Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep." Psalm 127:1-2 ESV

" "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good? Behold, to the LORD your God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it. Yet the LORD set His heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no longer stubborn." Deuteronomy 10:12-16 ESV