Crowbar of Grace : Feeling Lonely When You are Surrounded by People in Life

It was a perfect evening for a Jeep-Hair-Don't-Care Jeep drive. The winds were cooler, the sunset emulated a fire in the sky providing a Hollywood-worthy backdrop for a drive. I took the soft top and doors off and headed out. There's nothing like it! To feel the wind in your hair, and not care how messy it gets, to feel a sense of extra freedom and fun.

This evening though I felt a special sense of awareness, being pulled in my spirit to really being in the moment. I admit it's been a busy few months of intense focus and work. I have hardly slowed down accomplishing more of the To Do List than Ought to Do List. 

Driving through town, the sky was glowing, lights illuminated driveways and businesses, my hair was swishing around in the wind. No, no music playing. Our old jeep doesn't have working a/c, heat or radio. It truly is a basic ride without expectations. I took in a deep breath reaching my arm out the side of the jeep in a moment of worship of thanksgiving, feeling especially free and kept by my Savior. I felt His nearness. I knew He was riding with me. My soul was at joyful rest in my hot mess. 

And then I smelt it. A full aroma of yummy deliciousness flooded my air. Mmmm...I had come into the local restaurant area and the aroma filled my senses. I hadn't been hungry but now I found myself starving. My spirit spoke in that moment, "Girl, how wonderful to taste and see the Lord is good." In that moment, every sense was heightened, the sense of sight, smell, feeling. Yes. Oh the beautiful freedom of tasting and seeing, and knowing The Lord our God is so good. He is a delight, even better than chocolate and my favorite lattes. My God quenches every thirst and feeds my soul like nothing else can. The bestest of friends, the yummiest of foods, the greatest of incomes cannot compare to the richness of our Lord's glory and presence alone. 

It was a perfect evening for a no doors on Jeep ride, smelling local flavors and the salty air. Pulling over to a sunset gazing spot, I sat still in reflection, realizing how often I have quenched the Holy Spirit in my life with "closed doors." 

If I had been in my Mom car, the Burb, windows and doors closed up, I wouldn't have experienced all that open air goodness. You know how God takes these everyday moments and peels back a layer of our heart to speak some truth into it? This was one of those moments.

Insecurity, inadequacy, fear of failure and judgement, lack of self confidence keeps our doors under lock and key. We can live life surrounded by people yet still feel lonely. 

Each betrayal, each failure, each regret and disappointment was another click of the Lock Doors button. It's always been easier to polish the outside of the car and keep it locked up without fear of the unknowns letting others in. Isolation becomes your safety zone, yet it’s a danger zone. 

Friend, the enemy is always at work to isolate us. When we are hidden and disconnected, our fire simmers and we become lukewarm and less salty.

But God, He didn’t create us for isolation. He came to set the captives free, not to shut us in behind closed doors. Jesus came to seek and save us from the shackles of death and desolation. He opens closed doors with the crowbar of grace, mercy and love. 

Ultimately, His Love unlocks our doors and Grace is the gatekeeper. The Lord who opens the floodgates of glory divine, revealing to us how He is doing a new thing and He can't wait to show us. If we would just trust Him to open our doors.

God places crowbars of grace in our lives to help us get out from behind those doors. He not only sent the Holy Spirit as our Helper, but He places in our lives, friends with keys, faith and hope that can open locked doors that lead us towards Him. 

Always keeping it real, I am still a guarded girl, trust and healing takes time and comes with learning healthy boundaries. I choose who, when and where because I ask God to lead the way and open those doors for me. You can too! It’s time to pray for God’s help to open those doors and enjoy the beauty of Salty Air with your Sisters & Savior!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;" 

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 17-18  

 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:2-6

With hopes of empowering others in these rooms, I do my best to be transparent and honest, but I admit, I am guarded, however, I know it is He Who is a shield about me. My hope, my fears all rest in His care. Our flesh and our enemy will never stop showing us open doors for us to hide behind, in hopes that one day we won't be paying attention and walk in and sit for a while. Even on those days you do, there's always a crowbar of grace and it will be up to you to know where it is and how to use it.

Friend, do you need a crowbar of Grace today to get out from behind those doors? Let Him open them, He is trustworthy. You don't have to fear the other side of that door. I know it looks scary but you can trust Him. The winds and waves know His name. He sculpted out every path you will walk on and will walk with you. Step out from behind those suffocating doors. You are not safe there. Let go of that self control and open your soul's arms wide and honestly proclaim it is well with your soul even when it hurts, His breath sustains yours. He will take you for the ride of a lifetime. He is trustworthy and will be the most powerfully consuming delight you will ever know.

Enjoy the Messy-Hair-Don't-Care of Christ's reckless love. Surrender to the moments He gives you and embrace the good and perfect gifts He has for you in every season. Strength is in His Name. Freedom is found knowing He is by your side and His heart is for you, not against you. How He must delight in the sweet aroma of our return of worship as our souls pour out praise and see the proof of a life free from isolation.  

 
Open the door, take the ride, stretch your arms wide and show the enemy where your faith is, then Taste and See that the Lord our God is good! 

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

In my previous post, for the sake of not writing a mini-novel, I decided to split this into a 2 Part Series. There are so many things to be said, testified, helps and hurts that can be shared, but this is not my biography, rather, it is meant to be a beginning foundation to help and encouragement to you as you walk through these valleys with your loved one, family, friend or neighbor.
While this is specific to my journey with panic and anxiety attacks, many of these helps and encouragements bring hope to any trial you and your loved ones are facing. 
When we are living life with someone suffering, it can be difficult understanding what they are going through. You probably find yourself asking what in the world you are supposed to be doing, or not doing to support and help them. When you ask them what you can do to help them, all you hear is leave me alone for a few minutes or I don't know. It is frustrating when you don't exactly know what you need and equally frustrating to hear these words when you are looking for a way to help them. It's not as if all they need is a hug and some chocolates. If only it was that simple. I promise you they are just as scared and walking in the unknown too. 
Regardless of the circumstances of the trial or crisis, the answer is love. When we act in love, we facilitate healing. Jesus gave us this example. Love conquors.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

The following is a compilation of tidbits of conversations I have had with others. A professional counselor is best suited to counsel you and your loved one with specific therapy and helps. This is simply a few highlights and helps to get started in understanding, compassion and empathy, in the Name of Love.

Is there a difference between panic and anxiety attacks? 

Yes. Both involve physical pain in the chest, the shakes, shortness of breath (imagine a too small ski jacket buckled on you and you trying to take deep breaths but feel constricted), heart pounding and racing (you think it shows through your shirt and can often ache), confusion and mental overwhelmedness and fatigue, a welling up of adrenaline within the body (much a like a woman experiencing a labor contraction that builds in intensity and keeps high for several minutes) which makes you want to flee or find a corner and the sense of lack of control. Panic attacks are more intense and usually have a pain shooting down the left arm mimicking a heart attack. These will send people to the ER thinking they may be having a heart attack, and yes, it feels that scary. 

Why does the person under attack get mentally overwhelmed and need to flee to quiet environments?
Imagine turning on 2 T.V.s  to 2 stations, turning on the radio and a kid is skipping around the room while you try to read a book. It's a lot to take in and you can't focus. That's my best description to either attack. You hear and feel all that chaos and can't hear or process your own thoughts. We flee to escape to where we can breath and think to settle our minds and bodies. Emotions are tricky. They don't always represent truth or reality. We must always seek out and speak truth, in love.

What do you do when someone is having an attack of either sort?
First, pray and take a deep breath yourself. Speak truth: You are going to be okay, breath. I am right here with you, breath. It's going to pass in a few minutes, take a deep breath. Again, much like a woman in labor who feels as if she cannot handle or control the intensity welling up in her body as she braces herself for the next few minutes.
Do not: dismiss them, walk away, look at them like they are crazy or lying, ask them to help you do something labor intense, ignore them, tell them to pray harder or that they don't have enough faith, this is exasperating, defeating and hurtful. One thing I can promise you, whether they are a Believer or not, they are reaching out to God for the first time or thousandth time for rescue, asking Why Lord? and pleading for mercy. 
Now, if they are loosing faith and are discouraged, needing these boosts of faith, encourage them as iron sharpens iron that God is faithful and He is near even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment. Remind them faith strengthens your resolve and restors your hope. Keep them focused on the Lord and their strength because of His sufficient grace. Tell them to pray the Scriptures and breath in grace and exhale the attack. Do not, do not, tell them to pray harder. One either prays, or not. 
Do not: call or text them every 15 minutes to check on them and ask them if they are okay. It's humiliating and a constant reminder, sometimes creating triggers. We know you mean to be caring in checking on us, but it cannot be constant. That makes the person feel insecure and incapable. They are trying their hardest to maintain normal patterns and thinkings, meditating and distracting themselves, so constant pings and questions are obstacles. 
If you feel concerned for their safety, you might ask them if they would like you to help plan time with them or others to take a break out of the house or workplace. Keep them engaged, watch for crisis and critical behaviors and if you truly suspect they are an endangerment to themselves or others, you must confront and ask them to seek professional help or you will have to do it on your own accord for them, to protect them from themselves.  
Do: offer to get them a drink of water, hugs, take deep breaths with them, distract the kids away, relieve them temporarily from whatever task they were doing because as soon as they are calmed down they will want to continue doing what was normal, unless they ask for your help to take over. Keep the environment happy and calm. They cannot handle stress like they did before this attacking season, so take over the kid's tantrums, cleaning up after playtime, laundry or dinner, allowing them to rest after all the work. Go for walks or bike rides together or as a family. Have fun! Don't do things that push them beyond what they can give. Encouragement to go further and pushing to go further are not the same things. Be respectful of their pace and energy. Play worship music quietly in the back ground. Leave encouraging notes and Scriptures around their space to encourage and keep their focus on Christ. Diffuse essential oils like Young Living Joy, Peace & Calming, Lavender.

Why is my loved one loosing so much weight now?
When your body is in torment and pain, it upsets your stomach and intestines. They may be throwing up from the adrenaline spikes, they may start having diarrhea from the stress, and their appetite will be diminished. Help them eat healthy, not push heavy foods or portions. Salads, rice dishes, yogurts, light meats, protein shakes, fruits and smoothies, protein meal replacements are all good places to begin. They may only be able to take 2 bites, but it's okay since an hour later or even a day later, they may devour a whole salad and chicken tender. 
If they seem to be loosing a significant amount of weight, talking with reason to encourage a unified help for healing, visit a nutritionist or doctor. They don't want to feel weak or cause a scene to draw attention to themselves at the table, so be kind and gentle. They want to get better and you may have to help them realize the need at some point for guidance. 

Why can't they just push through it?
In many ways they are, by not freaking out, remaining focused and not wanting to just die. These attacks engage our entire essence. It is Body, Mind, Spirit and Soul. Our healing must address and involve every part of us. I dare you to tell a laboring woman to pipe down, suck it up buttercup, sit still, just zone out the pain. What they can do is pray and breath through it knowing it will pass soon.

I remember being at a New Year's Party with friends and the neighbors started popping off huge fireworks right outside at 8pm. It just startled me and being in a more sensitive state of mind, it triggered me...and I love fireworks and glady sit under them. Immediately my body jumped, I sat as still as I could taking calm breaths, kept playing our card game, sipping on my water and then my stomach began to gurgle and I had to quickly excuse myself to the bathroom. Sorry, but no one wants to have to go #2 in any other toilet than your own, much less have diarrhea and gas cramps that keep you there longer than a normal potty break. I was so embarrassed. I had tried so hard to not allow it to escalate to this point in my body, but I had no control over it, yet I was able to control my mind and spirit and remain calm and trusting that God had me in His care and grace. A few minutes passed and I returned to the group and my sweet husband had already refilled my water cup and grabbed me a blanket that was on the chair. He had told them my stomach had been a little upset lately. So, there was nothing I needed to ask for or share when I sat back down. I enjoyed the remaining hours with our friends. 
Had a given into my fears, I would have never even gone out knowing my sensitivity to all things during that season. Fear of the fear can be such an entrapment. Instead, I chose to hope God would help me, and even though I had a mild attack, God was my help and shield, pouring out grace over my evening. It was a great night of resolve, trust and faith. 
I pray this helps start some conversations with deeper understanding between you and your loved one. 
For me, the attacks didn't just stop cold-turkey. They lessened in degree and intensity and in timing. Days, then weeks, then months separated the attacks. Praise God for perseverance in the faith, to run out the race set before us. I found the more I worshiped and learned to still my soul, and even laugh again, rediscovering the new self, the less waves crushed me and began to lift me.
In closing, if you are the one under attack, consider yourself hugged and understood from someone who understands. You are not alone, there are many who get it. Let your faith and hope be your power as you walk each day with joy and faith, relying on the One who conquered death on the Cross. He is risen and alive, and He is with you in every breath. Let His grace consume your soul and flood your mind. I pray I have been able to describe  well your current anguish so that your loved one has a better sense of what you may be thinking and feeling. Each attack is as different as each person, so I know this can't describe everything for everyone, but hopefully it's a starting place to get the conversation started.
If you are the loved one, living life with someone experiencing these attacks, I pray the things I have shared of my own experience helps you better relate to what they are going through with their whole being. All illness and attacks on our bodies, hearts, soul and minds are frightening. Unknown territory always is. When the attacks continually repeat, it's exhausting and embarrassing, often debilitating. Show love, compassion and empathy. Stay healthy yourself and pray, pray, pray. You are going to carry a greater burden during this season as you hurt for your loved one and help in practical ways to manage daily life. Everyone will be tired and edgy, which is why you both must dig deeply into The Word, hang tight, worship and breath together along the valley floor and have fun together. Live life choosing joy, faith and love to not give Satan a foothold, rooting bitterness and defeat. 
There are many resources out there to help you, so keeping researching and seeking help. Most importantly, dive into Healing Waters and feast daily on Daily Bread! You are loved! God sees you and hears you! His grace is enough! 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV

YOU are BRAVER and STRONGER than you realize!

Resurrected Life

Praising His Breath in Honduras 2010 

"Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery"

Revelation. One of my favorite songs of worship. Our church sang it's anthem of praise this morning in worship. It wasn't until 2008-2009 I understood what "awestruck wonder" meant and what it felt like. 

I mean, my husband and I welcomed four beautiful bundles fresh from Heaven and they each took our breath away, first from the physical pain (totally) and then from the awed wonder of looking upon these fresh souls from Heaven.

But there's another wonder that touches the deepest part of my soul, a marvelous "awestruck wonder" only Heaven Himself could be. "At the mention of Your Name Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water. Such a marvelous mystery!!" The Name of Jesus...the gasp of my soul.

When the panic attacks flooded my body beginning in December 2008, they literally took away my breath. Sharp pains flashed through my chest and left arm, my depressed lungs held captive by the pain, my heart creating it's own tempo. My world closed in while thoughts spun around at the outer edge of my conscience. The deepest part of me was raging, attempting to process this sudden crisis, looking for the way out. 

As the wave of panic and adrenaline would begin to swell up from my mid-stomach like the contraction of a laboring new Mother, rising into my lungs, suffocating my breath, heart fluttering in terror, my body became paralyzed from movement. I spun but the world was too.

Lifting my right hand over my heart, I calmly yet desperately inhaled a deep breath, and patted firmly on my chest, speaking words of worship in the weakest of voice, proclaiming to My God and my enemy Who and Where my Help was coming from, Who I trusted to save me and give me my breath of life back. Often the only words I could utter were "Be still my soul, be still." These lyrics come from a beautiful song Kari Jobe recorded. You can listen to it (click here.) 

With a spirit that grew into worshipful surrender, I learned to breath through the random, painful contractions of my body and mind, leaning into The One Who sustained every exhale of my shallow breaths. 

This may be the very season the Lord removed from me the desire for alcohol (calling me into a commitment of abstinence in 1994) so many years ago, for this season may have been a time to escape with it. Instead, I had my Jesus and beautiful oils to aid my mind and heart, and prayer. 

He held me one breath at a time as I surrendered in worship, trust and patience. Having been through four childbirths, I understood the importance of relaxing and breathing through these pain-filled, overwhelming minutes, seeming to have no end or repreave, until it simply did. 

I would sit there, wiping away the secret tears caught in the hands of my Savior, quietly regrouping myself there on the couch, in the car, at the store, at a friends house, even at church on a pew, only sometimes to encounter another soon after. The exhaustion was intense and sudden, as if a burst of energy had me running down the street yet I was seated. 

They were random and unpredictable, and private. I excused myself to escape embarrassment or shame, mostly the attention of something being wrong. I barely handled the truth of my situation, how could I have possibly exposed this fear to another only to have no words to explain it and no real way for them to stop it for me?! 

Confusion and pride helped me escape attention. I got busy and had a bigger smile each time. If I was pacing, I was panicking. But to anyone watching, I was a good helper and great cleaner!! All my mind could think was "This is the end of you and your encouragement ministry, children's and women's ministry. You're done." 

Panic turned to depression each day the attacks rolled through. I not only had to process losing my circumstantial control and identity, but my hopeful one day ministry. I grieved daily. The more I fought against it, the more the anxiety and sadness consumed my soul.

2008

As a Mother soothes her scared or hurting crying baby, gently but firmly patting them on their back, I sought and found the same rescue of my Abba Father over me as my heart and soul cried out for a deep need of rescue. 

Most often in trembling breath, the whisper of His Name, Jesus, was all I could utter. His Name was a soothing balm over my deepest, freshest wound.

My Help and Rescue, my resurrected soul redeemed by Awestruck Wonder and Grace breathed in and out. 

How beautiful and powerful the mention of His Name, Jesus, who is Power, Breath and Living Water, such a marvelous Mystery. 

Awestruck Wonder believed upon, hoped for and trusted. The more I surrendered into His hold, the less I fretted and feared. I had to trust Him to be Who He said He was. He was and is faithful. 

Thankfully, the Lord knew I what I needed even though I didn't want it, I needed His tangible touch. He had already given me a wonderful family even though they were grieving for me too. God sent me trustworthy Sisters in Christ who committed to pray over me, being my strength and focus when I had none. Sometimes the physical strength of those hugs compressed my chest enough to diffuse my trembling heart. 

He synced me with Love poured out and embraced. 

 
This is how Where Faith Is was born. I was terrified of the fear of judgement from others, yet I knew the Lord has asked me to let this be my missional ministry, to care more about not displaying the Glory of The Cross than my own glory/reputation being destroyed. 

I didn't even have words capable, but the Lord, one typed out keyword at a time, one post at a time, one blog at a time, poured out through the screen. Women began reaching out to me secretly sharing they were experiencing the same thing and were so scared. 

One by one the ministry of encouragement took root and spread. The once Professional Mask Wearing Overthinking Fearful Perfectionist who was afraid to disappoint her Savior, learned how to peel it off one thin layer at a time, to the glory of God alone. First through the screen and now whenever I have the opportunity to share, I will. 

Honestly, it's not always easy, it's a thorn in my flesh the enemy tries to press in and make me twinge but I immediately praise the Lord of Wonder there is no sting in death and remind him Who has me.

God is my All in All and He can be yours too, if you believe. Because of the Cross, because of the Grave, because He rose again on the 3rd day, you have Victory in Jesus' Name! Praise the Lord!!
Here on Resurrection Week, I am reminded of the even greater pain endured by my Sweet Savior. His suffering on all of our behalves, Why would He? How could He? Love is the answer. I am awestruck at the Grace Breath of God Who takes away the sins of the world, redeems and heals, restores and refreshes, oh Mighty is He!

 
Resurrection Week, for me, not only celebrates the awestruck wonder that God resurrected my soul from the grave, first with my Salvation, but once again in April 2009, gifting me Life every single day when I thought there was none left in me, but cherishes, adores, worships the very One Who gave His everything, blood poured out, setting straight the narrow path to Peace and Everlasting Life, here and forever more, once and for all. He is Lord. He is Father. He is King. He is mine!! And I am His! This is the mission fuel for living life and doing ministry in His name. Jesus, Faithful Friend and Father. Amen.

My LIFE BREATH Today

Friend, no matter what you are facing today, even when there are no words falling off your lips, or thoughts to utter, may you find the strength to call upon the Name of Jesus and not be overcome by fear and shame, but rather overwhelmed in awestruck wonder at the mention of His Powerful and Mighty Name...Jesus. 

Open your hands and heart to His Healing grace and believe He is with you. He will calm your raging seas. Trust He holds your every moment. Be patient and embrace the awestruck wonder of His Mighty Name. He very much is your Breath and your Refuge in the storms and valleys and in the deepest pits. Rest in His care and inhale the wonder and majesty of Healing Grace. You are not alone. Nothing is impossible for Him. Be still and be held. 

The joy of the Lord will be your strength. In the Name of Jesus we praise in Word and worshiping song and dance, amen and amen.

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" Psalm 61:1-4 ESV

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:1-8, 17-19 ESV

Light in the darkness

Sometimes it takes more than a deep breath to ease ourselves in the midst of a panic moment. Those moments when you feel your world tremble, the rug being yanked out beneath you, the stab of betrayal, the punch of loss, pain of illness, the closing in of fear, worry and anxiety, and the unknowns. Mounted ontop of an already scary and evil world we live in. This is still one nation Under God, for the sheer fact He is above us. But we certainly do seem to live or build our country this way. Then again, evil has always been at work and God has always been on the Throne, so some things haven't changed except the date and the route.
I have suffered with anxiety and panic since I was a young girl, terrified of the boogie man and harm coming to me from someone in my community. My parents were involved with Crime Prevention so these were real concerns to a little girl. I heard about all the "stuff" going on in my community and it was frightening. Even in school, I was afraid of being an innocent by-stander getting caught in the midst of evil. These awareness and lack of confidence for a shy and insecure girl often shook my world in tangible ways. My body turned cold, shivering head to toe. 
As I grew older, the fearful attacks grew less and yet I have always lived a life "looking over my shoulder" and always wondering "what if....!" In 2008 when I walked into the darkness of panic and anxiety attacks, my world earthquaked and knocked me off my feet where I fell flat on my face, thankfully right at the feet of Christ my Savior. It was an intense, frightening journey but in the midst of this fire, God refined me. My heart, mind, soul and spirit we reshaped. He showed me how to have Light in the midst of darkness. Of course, being a Google-Everything kind of person, I had immediately begun researching "panic attacks" to learn what to do to stop them. There are so many books and techniques, I studied day and night looking for answers. I made a list that quickly ran dry as I crossed off what didn't work for me. 
Well meaning friends would simply say Just pray or Give it to God, only it wasn't and isn't that simple. There had never been a time I cried and believed as desperately as I was in those moments. This is why I blog my journey. Unless you've been through it, others can't fully understand what it is like or what it takes to get through it breath by breath and moment by moment. This is true of any situation of loss, illness, pain any of us face. Our solution is the same no matter what ails us. Our solution is our Savior!
So, how do you conquer feeling overwhelmed, scared, panicked, worrisome, constantly fearing the next attack, wondering what you had done wrong, wondering what you were missing in your walk with the Lord, wondering why God had allowed this, wondering why it wasn't stopping after every desperate pleaing prayer. How do you comprehend another day living like this. 
It was here in this darkness I learned the Light of Grace, the Light of Hope, the Light of Praise, the Light of Love. All these years I begged and prayed, cried and feared. Finally, Light. "Your Word is lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105" Our only hope is God. Our only rescue is the Blood of Christ. Our only strength is the Holy Spirit within the Believer, leading us towards the Prince of Peace, the Great I Am, our Redeemer, our King. 
If you or a loved one are suffering attacks of any kind in your life and you feel closed in by darkness, may I have the privilege to share with you a few the practical things I did that allowed Light in.... 
~Know you are greatly and dearly loved by God, even if you don't feel loved, you must accept the truth that you are by The God of this universe. Love conquers.
Read Romans 8.
~Saturate yourself in The Word and meditate on Truth, opposing all lies of the evil one. I admit that my first GoTo was Google, not God. It was Tips vs Transformation. I wanted transformation. 
Read Psalm 119.
~Write out Scriptures to keep with you in your pocket or purse. I made laminated Scripture cards for my keychain so I had quick access and could hold them in my hand when I prayed in those moments pulling out the Big Study Bible wasn't practical.
Read Deuteronomy 6.  
~Breath deep. Inhale Grace as you exhale fear, worry, pain, insecurity. You can feel it leaving you, especially when you are allowing it to be a Grace Breath. It will settle your body physically, emotionally and spiritually. 
Read 2 Corinthians 12. 
~Seek Intercessors to pray with and for you. While we are all instructed to pray, God has placed a special call on some Believers to be Prayer Warriors. These people stand tall, strong and firm against the realm we often forget about. They are girded up and ready to fight. Humble yourself and ask them to fight for you. Ask them to lay hands on you and pray over you. Ask them to remember you in prayer. Meanwhile, pray for them to remain faithful and strong as they fight on your behalf. They are putting themselves in the line of direct fire so they certainly need your cover too. 
~Praise everywhere, at all times. Peace is ushered in by praise. Rest in worship. Let it be part of your new nature to seek Him first, above the worry, through the stabbing pain. Inahle Grace and praise Him for never leaving you or forsaking you and loving you like no one else possibly can. Count your blessings and receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl, but to worship from a desperate and hoping and trusting heart is beyond mere pleasantries. 
Read Philippians 4.
~Seek help from Christian counselors. Sometimes we need more than we can give ourselves. Do what you need to do to be led by someone who knows your struggle. You are not alone in your struggle.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I pray these words of mine encourage you to seek The real Words that heal and transform, to the Light of Grace and Love that saves you. Stay strong!!!! 

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Honduras, 2009

Can You Afford NOT to Take a Sick Day?

We tell our kids at the first sign of sickness, to rest, take your medicine or else they will get worse. We give them their vitamins, extra grace and help. We write out letters to teachers and coaches explaining why our child needs to sit out and take a break.

But what about us? For the Stay at Home Mom it is hard to stop and rest for there is sooo much to be done and for my Working Friends, I know this is equally true and probably even harder because they have deadlines and finances that are dependent on their presence and work load. I think it’s hard for any adult to take a sick day. We don’t have someone standing over us caring for our health, telling us to stop and rest and they will take care of things while we are down….or do we?

When we look at this physically, as we realize we are getting a cold, our nose starts to tickle and our voices begin to shake and our bodies begin aching, we notice it and we take action-either rest or deny. Others may notice our less than patient attitude and the grumpy demeanor we walk around with, but do we take heed and rest? Probably not. Too much to do. We just push through the pain and sometimes selfishly expose others to our illness cuz we don’t want to slow down and rest. Oftentimes it takes us getting the rug yanked out from underneath us with severe illness to slow down and rest, and then we we call in a “sick” day.

When we look at this spiritually, we don’t always realize we are getting a “spiritual cold” until the rug is pulled out from underneath us and we fall flat on our face. But what if we noticed the warning signs of a looming “spiritual cold” and were able to get the rest we need to avoid a spiritual crisis? Do we take heed when those around us notice our grumpy demeanor, the lack of passion or pursuit in our walk with the Lord as we once had serving Him? Do we choose to take heed and rest? Probably not. Too much to do. We just push through the pain and sometimes selfishly expose others to our germs cuz we don’t want to slow down and rest. Oftentimes it takes us getting the rug yanked out from underneath us to slow down and rest, and in which we have no choice but to call in a “sick” day.

Let me remind you that there is "someone" watching over you! Actually lots of someones...God and His army and Satan and His army. Both stand ready at the gate to defend you (God) or destroy you (Satan.) The Holy Spirit is our protecting CareGiver. His indwelling within us knows our “temperature” and whispers to us to rest up, get those vitamins going again, hydrate on The Living Water and feed yourself on the simple food of Daily Bread to settle yourself. But do we listen? Does it take us becoming so spiritually depleted, weak and empty before we call in a “sick” day? Oh how stubborn we are! We think we can just get better by doing nothing, just ignore it and it will go away. Well, we know that isn’t true physically and it also isn’t true emotionally or spiritually. 

God says Come to me those who are weary, and rest. He is there, our Abba Father, caring for His children who don’t always recognize they are sick and need to stop and rest. He has already written His letter of “excused absence” on your behalf. And sometimes when we can’t hear those whispers, He will graciously send some on-call Believers to make a house call and show you your symptoms, take your temperature and bring you your Daily Bread and hydrate you with Living Water. And then, if you reject their care for you, The Great Physician will step in and work on you. And trust me, His meds and methods are not a quick fix, or pleasant. He describes some of His recovery places where we are placed in isolation to stop the spread of our “germs”- in the pit, in the dessert, in the valley, in the wilderness, in the sea. (Wouldn’t that be a whole other interesting study!!!) 

So, what does it mean to take a “sick” day? I think for each of us it will look different. Some may need to take time away from the house and job for a period of time, maybe a day at home with nothing "being done" but resting, or a day away at the park or a weekend at a retreat center. Maybe God has sent you a friend to come alongside you and bring you "meds" once a week over a cup of coffee or lunch, or to talk about the plan for healing over the phone once a week as needed. Maybe time spent with a loved one that gets you and can make you laugh tears of joy through the tears of pain. Maybe you need to go to a professional counselor and work on some therapy, for however long as needed. 
For me, it was all the above. I needed to takes of rest at home, a time off from all the doings, other days I get away from the house and sit with just my God, enjoying every bite of Bread and Water, breathing in the fresh air of His grace and love. I also went to therapy once a week with a Believing therapist and a doctor. I changed my spiritual diet and took my daily prescribed Holy Word meds and began to restore and revive my broken and depleted soul. 
I find that every day, best I am able, I rest. Just 15-30 min of peace and quiet to sit still before the Lord. I still do these things to this day because I do not want to go into another preventable crisis that is painful to overcome. Daily, I "take my temperature," starting with the break of every new day, I rest my heart and soul mid day, I nourish myself throughout the day with Bread and Water, I take vitamins of goodness and “fruit” snacks (like listening to sermons, reading books, worship music, etc), and when I lay my head down at the end of the night, oh what peace to lay still and curl up in His arms. Days I get the shakes and stiffness, I will call in sick. I make an intentional choice to stop and get help. I sometimes will spend time with a friend who I know loves me and will intercede for me, giving me the Truth in love and hope I so desperately need, and other times, like today, I am sitting here alone on my favorite spot on the beach just for a few. Bible in hand, journal opened, and Water plenty!! Each wave crashes as if into my soul and washes away my grit and grim. I find myself wishing every day could be like this and am reminded that one day for me, it will be. I will one day find myself soaking in The Son on the shore of my Savior forever and ever. Until that day, I will work zealously, faithfully, and wholeheartedly…taking sick days when I need them. 
How careful we must be not to judge one another...you never know why someone may be taking a day off, going on vacation, sitting alone at the park, temporarily stepping down from serving at church, suddenly needing fellowship with Believers, asking those mysterious "unspoken" prayer requests, crying in church or on your couch. Why sometimes people go off the radar for a season, or two. They may be "sick" and need some time off for healing.
So, may I encourage you from someone who has always had a hard time taking a sick day…take it if you need it! If you are beginning to see the warning signs of spiritual sniffles, shaking or stiffness, teak heed and rest!! You will only get worse and meanwhile selfishly expose your spiritual germs to others. You cannot ignore it and get better. You have too much to do that you must get the healing you need. You cannot afford not to take a sick day!!!

And maybe God is calling you as one of His On-Call Believers to gently encourage and admonish another, be sure that you take with you the right meds...The Bread and The Water necessary to administer to them. God's Word is a healing balm to the soul!!!!! There is no greater medicine than ones from the Great Physician and Healer! 

“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14 (ESV)

Thicker Skin

I LOVE being out in the nature of God!! His glory is on display at every glance. There are glimpses of His mightiness in the trees and unshakeable boldness in the mountains, His consistency and strength in the waves of the oceans, His kindness and care in the smallest of detail on the flowers and creeping little critters.

 

There is so much beauty to be seen!!! I have hundreds of pictures from my time outside. One thing I have observed is the amount of thorns scattered amongst the beauty.
I was enjoying a day outside and as you can see in the photo with my sock, there are pokey things digging in like needles into my skin. I got these painful pokes during a walk with a friend. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to stop and remove these needles in my foot!! My friend laughed at my "tenderness" as she felt nothing from the few in her own sock. "How can that not hurt you?" I asked. She replied, " I guess I have thicker skin." I must agree...on many levels! LOL
God brought back that moment a few days later when I was upset. We look at other people and wonder how they can experience pains and seem unaffected by it while our heart feels like it is literally breaking into pieces. We will not all respond the same way to every situation. God did not create humans to be robots. We were created and fashioned differently. The truth is, what's true for me may not be true for you. We are His masterpiece, wonderfully made to think, feel, and live!

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

The way we think and respond (while rooted in the truth of Christ) to trials will vary. A harsh word spoken to me may be like a dart thrown at my heart while a harsh word spoken to my friend may be like throwing a spear at her heart. I may fall down but you can be sure my thick skinned friend would rise up before you, surely standing taller than you!! An illness or trial that falls upon me may cause my heart to fear while the same trial for another may gird them up in anticipation for a good, Holy fight. I may crater, while they rise up. We are not all the same.
It's easy for us to go about our day thinking our reality is the reality for everyone else, but I would dare to say there is a pridefulness within us that says "Our ways are right." "This is truth for me and therefore it must be the same for you." We begin to judge and possibly shame or condemn others when they don't respond just like we would in their situation. What makes us think we are so right?!
I am challenged today to check my pride and exercise mercy and compassion towards others knowing that what works for me and what I think is right may not be their right. (Obviously I am not discussing the absolutes of God's Words and commands. But considering the heart and soul of others.)
May we look at the Creation of our World and remember that we too are each created with a specific design. May we remember that God's Truth is the Only Truth to consider as absolute. Our roots and our fruits may be the same but the type of bloom we are is as diverse as the flowers of the fields!!

Challenge:
* Next time you hurt, know it's okay if it's hurting you. You may just have tender skin compared to another. And really, who's comparing? Our truth is Christ alone.

 "I will meditate on Your precepts and fix my eyes on Your ways." Psalm 119:15 

* And if another expresses hurt, extend mercy and love, believing their hurt to be real even if you don't think it's valid. 

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4:15-16

"Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; 5 and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; 6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. 7 To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body--Jews or Greeks, slaves or free--and all were made to drink of one Spirit. 

14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." 22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." 1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 12-14, 21-27

Behind Closed Doors

What's going on behind closed doors? Well, the only people who really know are the people actually behind them. Behind closed doors, fun things can happen but so can ugly things. From the Price is Right, Door #3 to the doors of neglect, lots can happen behind closed doors. Blessings and curses. Smiles can hide pain just as a tear can represent joy.
A friend recently posted about asking for peace and while I turned the focus on Christ, His peace and all things happen for a reason, trust Him, everything has a purpose be it correction, refining, teaching or testing, someone else responded to the posts with "life is full of crap" sentiments. Hope, Peace, Strength, Patience, Grace. This is the difference between a Believer and a Non-Believer (aside from the Cross and Salvation of course.) As a Believer in Christ Jesus, I have Hope through my Faith that He is in control. He will provide and protect me. A non-believer hopes in self....self wishing, self doing, self religion. 
This post isn't about defining the differences between Believers and Non-Believers. I say these things to make the point that ALL HAVE SINNED and there is nothing on this earth untouched by it's destruction. Bad stuff happens to EVERYONE! Behind every closed door there is joy and pain. Some doors shield just how extreme it may be.
Just the fact that we are human beings living in community on this earth, should be enough to call us all to be kind, to protect, to help the weak, be good, do good. As Believers however, we are called to "love one another," "help those in need," "encourage," "intercede," "rebuke." All the things mentioned in the previous post last week. We are charged with caring what goes on behind closed doors.
So, what is my point?!? Because we cannot see through "doors," it is imperative that we listen for the discerning and tender voice of the Holy Spirit to call us over to knock on certain doors. No, not to be a busy-body, God wouldn't call you to knock a door to do something He wouldn't do. If you are a Christian, you are Christ-like, then you would go in the same heart and motive as Christ. To love.
Maybe there is a Joy to be shared! Maybe there is pain to care for. Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit to lead you as His hands and feet. Don't hesitate for when we live according to His direction, we know there is a reason for everything and we cannot possibly know why or what. Our part is follow. It is God's part to know. We can't possibly have all the answers but we can be available, willing to be a vessel for God's reach. 
There are soooo many people hurting behind closed doors. May God find us faithful when He calls, knowing that He is in control, He will provide, He will lead, trusting that "for those who love God, all things work together for good." Romans 8:28 alongside the Saving Cross. May we rely not on our wisdom but on His wisdom to share in the sorrow and be the hands and feet of The One Who Loves unconditionally, Who Heals the brokenhearted, gives Joy to the grieved, Strengthens the weak. 
If you are the one sitting behind closed doors that is hurting, be encouraged knowing The Father above you sees you. You are not sitting there alone. He is your help in times of need. There is no one who loves you more that the Lord God. Do not conceal your pain. What is hidden in darkness leads to destruction. Reach out and open your door...put aside all that hinders- shame, pride, sin, guilt, fear, worry. Freedom is just on the other side of that door.
Whichever side of the door you find yourself, put your trust in the One Who is trustworthy. Go where He leads. Be encouraged....read Psalm 119 and remember this:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush andSeba in exchange for you. 4 Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. 5 Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you." Isaiah 43:2-5