When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

In my previous post, for the sake of not writing a mini-novel, I decided to split this into a 2 Part Series. There are so many things to be said, testified, helps and hurts that can be shared, but this is not my biography, rather, it is meant to be a beginning foundation to help and encouragement to you as you walk through these valleys with your loved one, family, friend or neighbor.
While this is specific to my journey with panic and anxiety attacks, many of these helps and encouragements bring hope to any trial you and your loved ones are facing. 
When we are living life with someone suffering, it can be difficult understanding what they are going through. You probably find yourself asking what in the world you are supposed to be doing, or not doing to support and help them. When you ask them what you can do to help them, all you hear is leave me alone for a few minutes or I don't know. It is frustrating when you don't exactly know what you need and equally frustrating to hear these words when you are looking for a way to help them. It's not as if all they need is a hug and some chocolates. If only it was that simple. I promise you they are just as scared and walking in the unknown too. 
Regardless of the circumstances of the trial or crisis, the answer is love. When we act in love, we facilitate healing. Jesus gave us this example. Love conquors.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

The following is a compilation of tidbits of conversations I have had with others. A professional counselor is best suited to counsel you and your loved one with specific therapy and helps. This is simply a few highlights and helps to get started in understanding, compassion and empathy, in the Name of Love.

Is there a difference between panic and anxiety attacks? 

Yes. Both involve physical pain in the chest, the shakes, shortness of breath (imagine a too small ski jacket buckled on you and you trying to take deep breaths but feel constricted), heart pounding and racing (you think it shows through your shirt and can often ache), confusion and mental overwhelmedness and fatigue, a welling up of adrenaline within the body (much a like a woman experiencing a labor contraction that builds in intensity and keeps high for several minutes) which makes you want to flee or find a corner and the sense of lack of control. Panic attacks are more intense and usually have a pain shooting down the left arm mimicking a heart attack. These will send people to the ER thinking they may be having a heart attack, and yes, it feels that scary. 

Why does the person under attack get mentally overwhelmed and need to flee to quiet environments?
Imagine turning on 2 T.V.s  to 2 stations, turning on the radio and a kid is skipping around the room while you try to read a book. It's a lot to take in and you can't focus. That's my best description to either attack. You hear and feel all that chaos and can't hear or process your own thoughts. We flee to escape to where we can breath and think to settle our minds and bodies. Emotions are tricky. They don't always represent truth or reality. We must always seek out and speak truth, in love.

What do you do when someone is having an attack of either sort?
First, pray and take a deep breath yourself. Speak truth: You are going to be okay, breath. I am right here with you, breath. It's going to pass in a few minutes, take a deep breath. Again, much like a woman in labor who feels as if she cannot handle or control the intensity welling up in her body as she braces herself for the next few minutes.
Do not: dismiss them, walk away, look at them like they are crazy or lying, ask them to help you do something labor intense, ignore them, tell them to pray harder or that they don't have enough faith, this is exasperating, defeating and hurtful. One thing I can promise you, whether they are a Believer or not, they are reaching out to God for the first time or thousandth time for rescue, asking Why Lord? and pleading for mercy. 
Now, if they are loosing faith and are discouraged, needing these boosts of faith, encourage them as iron sharpens iron that God is faithful and He is near even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment. Remind them faith strengthens your resolve and restors your hope. Keep them focused on the Lord and their strength because of His sufficient grace. Tell them to pray the Scriptures and breath in grace and exhale the attack. Do not, do not, tell them to pray harder. One either prays, or not. 
Do not: call or text them every 15 minutes to check on them and ask them if they are okay. It's humiliating and a constant reminder, sometimes creating triggers. We know you mean to be caring in checking on us, but it cannot be constant. That makes the person feel insecure and incapable. They are trying their hardest to maintain normal patterns and thinkings, meditating and distracting themselves, so constant pings and questions are obstacles. 
If you feel concerned for their safety, you might ask them if they would like you to help plan time with them or others to take a break out of the house or workplace. Keep them engaged, watch for crisis and critical behaviors and if you truly suspect they are an endangerment to themselves or others, you must confront and ask them to seek professional help or you will have to do it on your own accord for them, to protect them from themselves.  
Do: offer to get them a drink of water, hugs, take deep breaths with them, distract the kids away, relieve them temporarily from whatever task they were doing because as soon as they are calmed down they will want to continue doing what was normal, unless they ask for your help to take over. Keep the environment happy and calm. They cannot handle stress like they did before this attacking season, so take over the kid's tantrums, cleaning up after playtime, laundry or dinner, allowing them to rest after all the work. Go for walks or bike rides together or as a family. Have fun! Don't do things that push them beyond what they can give. Encouragement to go further and pushing to go further are not the same things. Be respectful of their pace and energy. Play worship music quietly in the back ground. Leave encouraging notes and Scriptures around their space to encourage and keep their focus on Christ. Diffuse essential oils like Young Living Joy, Peace & Calming, Lavender.

Why is my loved one loosing so much weight now?
When your body is in torment and pain, it upsets your stomach and intestines. They may be throwing up from the adrenaline spikes, they may start having diarrhea from the stress, and their appetite will be diminished. Help them eat healthy, not push heavy foods or portions. Salads, rice dishes, yogurts, light meats, protein shakes, fruits and smoothies, protein meal replacements are all good places to begin. They may only be able to take 2 bites, but it's okay since an hour later or even a day later, they may devour a whole salad and chicken tender. 
If they seem to be loosing a significant amount of weight, talking with reason to encourage a unified help for healing, visit a nutritionist or doctor. They don't want to feel weak or cause a scene to draw attention to themselves at the table, so be kind and gentle. They want to get better and you may have to help them realize the need at some point for guidance. 

Why can't they just push through it?
In many ways they are, by not freaking out, remaining focused and not wanting to just die. These attacks engage our entire essence. It is Body, Mind, Spirit and Soul. Our healing must address and involve every part of us. I dare you to tell a laboring woman to pipe down, suck it up buttercup, sit still, just zone out the pain. What they can do is pray and breath through it knowing it will pass soon.

I remember being at a New Year's Party with friends and the neighbors started popping off huge fireworks right outside at 8pm. It just startled me and being in a more sensitive state of mind, it triggered me...and I love fireworks and glady sit under them. Immediately my body jumped, I sat as still as I could taking calm breaths, kept playing our card game, sipping on my water and then my stomach began to gurgle and I had to quickly excuse myself to the bathroom. Sorry, but no one wants to have to go #2 in any other toilet than your own, much less have diarrhea and gas cramps that keep you there longer than a normal potty break. I was so embarrassed. I had tried so hard to not allow it to escalate to this point in my body, but I had no control over it, yet I was able to control my mind and spirit and remain calm and trusting that God had me in His care and grace. A few minutes passed and I returned to the group and my sweet husband had already refilled my water cup and grabbed me a blanket that was on the chair. He had told them my stomach had been a little upset lately. So, there was nothing I needed to ask for or share when I sat back down. I enjoyed the remaining hours with our friends. 
Had a given into my fears, I would have never even gone out knowing my sensitivity to all things during that season. Fear of the fear can be such an entrapment. Instead, I chose to hope God would help me, and even though I had a mild attack, God was my help and shield, pouring out grace over my evening. It was a great night of resolve, trust and faith. 
I pray this helps start some conversations with deeper understanding between you and your loved one. 
For me, the attacks didn't just stop cold-turkey. They lessened in degree and intensity and in timing. Days, then weeks, then months separated the attacks. Praise God for perseverance in the faith, to run out the race set before us. I found the more I worshiped and learned to still my soul, and even laugh again, rediscovering the new self, the less waves crushed me and began to lift me.
In closing, if you are the one under attack, consider yourself hugged and understood from someone who understands. You are not alone, there are many who get it. Let your faith and hope be your power as you walk each day with joy and faith, relying on the One who conquered death on the Cross. He is risen and alive, and He is with you in every breath. Let His grace consume your soul and flood your mind. I pray I have been able to describe  well your current anguish so that your loved one has a better sense of what you may be thinking and feeling. Each attack is as different as each person, so I know this can't describe everything for everyone, but hopefully it's a starting place to get the conversation started.
If you are the loved one, living life with someone experiencing these attacks, I pray the things I have shared of my own experience helps you better relate to what they are going through with their whole being. All illness and attacks on our bodies, hearts, soul and minds are frightening. Unknown territory always is. When the attacks continually repeat, it's exhausting and embarrassing, often debilitating. Show love, compassion and empathy. Stay healthy yourself and pray, pray, pray. You are going to carry a greater burden during this season as you hurt for your loved one and help in practical ways to manage daily life. Everyone will be tired and edgy, which is why you both must dig deeply into The Word, hang tight, worship and breath together along the valley floor and have fun together. Live life choosing joy, faith and love to not give Satan a foothold, rooting bitterness and defeat. 
There are many resources out there to help you, so keeping researching and seeking help. Most importantly, dive into Healing Waters and feast daily on Daily Bread! You are loved! God sees you and hears you! His grace is enough! 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV

YOU are BRAVER and STRONGER than you realize!

When your loved one is suffering. Part One.

Do you have a loved one suffering with panic and anxiety attacks? I am betting that if you do, you are having a hard time understanding what they are going through and don't understand why it won't stop, why they say they think they might die. I know. That was my poor husband as I walked those scary and painful moments in 2008-2009. Honestly, your loved one who is suffering this heartache is asking themselves the same things. They don't get it either. 

As difficult as it has been to share my testimony and experiences with others, my spirit wants to testify to the goodness and sweetness of the Lord. In His grace, I found healing and the truest of love and kindness, and mighty, mighty power. But it took going through those dark days to see such pure Light. God's Word is full of testimonies of God's grace, provision and protection. I found such comfort being back in His Word, alive and active it is!! I felt less alone when I read the perils of Job and Paul and so many others. 

This is exactly why I began blogging and writing: to share and encourage. Yes, it's hard to visit those terrors but the hope to encourage and even save a life overshadows and uplifts me right over that pit of despair onto the wings of an eagle, soaring above defeat, shame and embarrassment. God has crossed my paths over the years with sweet Believers who have fallen into the same pits whom we have been able to share each other's journey, many in the middle of a valley. What a joy to celebrate hope and healing in Jesus Name together.

When I am sitting with the person in anguish, we speak the same language and as much as we get it, we don't get it. I liken it to listening to my teen speak calculus or when my husband it calling sports plays. I just don't understand their lingo. It's the same here. Until you have walked in the same shoes, it's a struggle to get it. 

We are able to feel what the other feels and understand the depths of it all, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, when I find myself sitting with the loved one, they really don't get it. The look in their eyes was the same bewilderment my husband had with me many years back. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in my body. 

He couldn't understand when I shut down or quickly fled situations, why I was so exhausted, why I couldn't handle loud noises and big crowds. One of the most painful stings to the heart is the look of weirdness, puzzlement, judgement, nervousness in your loved one's eyes looking back at you in your moment of fear. 

These were the moments "fake it till you make it" were necessary, just to avoid that look. To avoid the pain it pressed like a sword into the depth of me. It slayed me, reminding me of how crazy I was, shame flooding every part of my soul. And if this loved one who had my back looked at my like this and couldn't understand what I was experiencing, how could anyone else, and how much deeper would their look slash my soul? So, we hide, mask and protect. 

Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries and sent me rescue and all the while, I prayed for my husband to have compassion and understanding. He was one of my first subscribers to the blog, learning more about my experience than I was able to verbalize. Also, we had 4 kids running around the house and it wasn't something we just called out and spoke about. I wanted to continue on as normal and stable, conquering and hopeful, calm and collected as a true perfectionist and encourager personality. 

Over time, through healing helps of Christian counseling, natural remedies of essential oils and vitamins, Scripture memory work and meditation, a deep and purposeful prayer life, worshiping without wondering, letting go of perfectionism, accountability of a few trustworthy Sisters in Christ, re-prioritizing my life and schedule, addressing how I was (not) taking care of my body, mind and spirit. All these combined together for the help and healing, overcoming and conquering I experienced against fear. To God be all the power, and glory!

Recently, several loved ones have approached me about my journey, asking for help in dealing with their loved one suffering in anguish. With all my writings focused on the anguished person, I thought I would write to the loved one because I know as many who suffer with panic and anxiety attacks, there are that many more loved ones trying to understand them and help them. 

Lord knows you need the same help, love, hope and encouragement as you deal with the heartache and confusion in dealing with your loved one's current battle. So, in the next blog, I will share with you a few simple helps from my own personal experience in hopes to encourage each person touched by these attacks in compassion and hope.

Meanwhile, meditate and believe on Jeremiah 29:11-13, 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

To God be all our glory, help, hope and praise, amen.

Click Here for When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

I Just Assumed...not any more!

I met a new friend this past week and in our "get to know" moment as we shared our story, a sentence came out of my mouth I had never thought of before and certainly had never said. I can only assume it was a God moment. Sometimes my assumption are right. Sometimes they are wrong.
Being the new (guy) gal in the community, I have been asked close to hundred times now, "What's your story? Why are you here?" Each time I get to share, God reminds me of His plan and the perfection of His timing. Last week was really no different...same testimony, different new friend. After sharing the summary of details and God's divine leading us in our move to Florida, I said these "crazy" words as a summery point of how God has been working on me over the past several years. This phrase came out my mouth for the first time... Assumptive Living. Assumptive Living. I said, "God has taken me from living a life of assumptive living to intentional living." I sat kinda of dumb founded for a minute trying to process why in the world did I just say that. 
Over the past several years, God has been walking me though Intentional Living. So much so, he even brought a dear Mentor and Friend into my life who actually used those words every time she talked. God could not have been obvious. She was a huge part of the refining process my heart and mind needed to endure and be shaped by. Knowing why I do what I do. Choosing to own my actions and not play the blame game in life. Stepping out in courage after the things God calls me to. Being intentional about growing in my knowledge and deepening my love with my Savior and Abba Father. But the years before this....not so much. I intentionally...assumed.
I have always described my personality issues as anxious and shy. One who fears the unknown, a follower not a leader. But then there were these words...Assumptive Living...wow. It was true. I had never thought about that before. For most of my life, I have been fearful and anxious. I feel it inside me, raised blood pressure and heart racing, feeling as if I couldn't breath. Double checking everything I do in fear of judgement, which would lead to fear of rejection. Ever watchful of my surrounding, fearful of personal harm to me or my kids. Choosing to always follow to avoid failing. Avoiding others or opportunities felt safer to me than putting myself out there. I assumed the worst. I assumed. There it was. Assumptive Living.
If we go through life assuming we will fail, we will never try. We will never accomplish what we have been called to do. If we assume rejection, we will never have victory or courage to embrace and enjoy meaning relationships and friendships or partnerships in the work place. If we assume someone is always looking to harm us or one of our loved ones, we will never fully appreciate the beauty of God's creation. We will see so narrowly, that we miss the big picture. What kind of life is Assumptive Living? I will tell you. 
It's one thing to assume the worst and plan for the worst verses planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I realize now in hindsight how much anxiety and fear I self-created simply by assuming. How I must have grieved the heart of God with how I lived so wrongly fearful and anxious...never resting in His arms or grasping my identity in His Name. Oh the power I didn't claim, the grace I rejected, the blessings I missed. Something no one else knew, and I didn't even recognize myself back then. Thank God, His mercies are new every morning! Lamentation 3!! Looking back, my identity was not His...
I assumed I wouldn't be successful. Inadequate
I assumed I was making wrong choices. Doubting
I assumed my friend would not like me once they got to know me. Insecure
I assumed everyone else must be right, assuming they must be more intelligent or talented than I. Minimal 
I assumed I was the "lesser than" of the group. Pitiful
I assumed others could do it better, whatever "it" was at the time. Dumb
I assumed my husband would find other women sexier than me. Ugly
I assumed other parents has mastered this thing called parenting. Judgement
I assumed all the other Stay At Home Moms had perfectly cleaned house and dinner prepped for week on Sunday and all their clothes were in their rightful place. Comparison
I just assumed everything, even spiritually....
I assumed God loved me because that is what I had been taught in every church, in every Bible study, at every conference. 
I assumed and hoped He would always be with me. 
I assumed and hoped He would give me Peace when I needed it. 
I assumed and hoped He would be my Rock, my Comfort, my Healer.
Seriously, what a horrible way to live! Assuming everything...not knowing anything except doubt and fear, always hoping for being right. With a smile always on my face, no one could have known, and even today, people don't see the splinters, scars and thorns. Grace, Grace, Amazing Grace!!!! I have learned to receive Grace. I have learned not only Who God is personally, but who that makes me as His child. What an amazing feeling inside your soul when you know that you know. When someone asks you why, and you can confidently give an answer to the hope and the reason of your life.
God, gracious and gentle, looooong suffering over me, for sure, gave me the opportunity to get over living life assumptively. Through a season of panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I had to do some deep heart, soul, mind and spirit searching! 
I assumed I could handle life controlling myself, my circumstances and others. Here is where I learned my assumptions were all wrong. 
I assumed the life I was trying so hard to be perfect at would be the best life. Wrong! My best life has been lived ever since. The best life is living an intentional life!
How great to walk through a day nervous, sure. Feeling a little insecure, sure....yet doing life anyway! I certainly haven't arrived, and I still find thorns to pull out of my flesh at times, but how grateful I am to get the chance to have a do-over in this life! Every day I get to be more intentional! Thank You Lord for being steadfastly intentional for me!!
I know that I know God has a plan to prosper me and not harm me. Jeremiah 29
I know that I know He will never leave me. Deuteronomy 31
I know that I know He forgives me, loves me and hears me. John 3
I know that I know He is the Orchestrator of my life, leading me in my endeavors, my relationships, in my parenting, friendships, service, ministry, etc. Isaiah 40
I know that I know nothing escapes His care or His provision. 
Yes, bad things will still happen this side of eternity, but I know that I know I am Redeemed by the Great I Am. I am protected by The King of Kings. I am not a loss cause. I am not alone. I know that I know He hears my cries and my prayers and rejoices in my accomplishments even if I have failed the 10 times before. 
I know that I know God loves every single one of us and has a divinely great plan for a beautiful life, free of....assumptions!
If this is you too, (I am assuming I am not the only one who has been here), don't assume another day. Live fully, embracing each day's plan and grace for every moment. Be intentional in knowing what it is you need to get your head and heart wrapped around, to bring glory to the One Intentional God. How? Let go of being in control and Trust The Only Faithful and Steadfast One. Surrender your fears and assumptions into Hope Himself. You must be in His Word. You must pray and talk to Him, learning to listen for His voice. How else will you know Him? It was through digging into His Word searching for Him, worshiping Him in truth, not feeling. Praying in petition and in waiting for His response. It was remembering Who was in charge of my life, the comings and goings, the direction and the provision of every day. Calling out to The One I knew heard me, saw me and held me. Knowing in my head the Truth while embracing the Heart of The One who held mine together. It was remembering that God was ultimately in control and I needed to trust Him, loving Him above all else, with all my heart and might.
Life is best lived, intentionally living and loving, giving life and blessings, while receiving life and blessings!! Life is good because God is good! Hallelujah!!!!!
Thank You Lord for intentionally creating the world, and all that is within it, seen and unseen. Thank You for the grace You alone cover us with so that we can work out our insecurities, inadequacies, our callings for Your glory this side of Heaven. May we never assume Your love, mercy, forgiveness, peace, comfort. May we never assume Your grace will run out. Help us in our minds to embrace the knowledge of who You are and help our hearts to grasp how deep and wide Your love for us is. God, we are so sorry for taking the weight of burdens in this life upon our own shoulders. May we call to mind Your love and friendship that are never ceasing. Thank You for Your Word to teach us what we need to know. Thank You for your friendship and Fatherhood that proves it. Thank You Holy Spirit for leading us, encouraging us, prompting us to remember and to worship in truth! You are a great, great God...I know that I know this is true!! Bless Your Holy Name, amen.

Psalm 57, "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.  

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness! My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts-- the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!

Let your glory be over all the earth! They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down. They dug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves.
My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!"

Happy 5 Year Anniversary Birthday to Me!!!

Happy 5 year Anniversary of Freedom to me!!!!! I never really used to focus on my bday, it was mostly for the kids~ cakes and cards, laughter and fun. But, birthdays should be celebrated, as we look back and ponder lessons learned over the past year and cherish memories made, and let go of past failures. As much as I "hated" that dreadful year, I celebrate what God had done to bring me to that place of nothing, so I could have everything!! 
For those who haven't followed me from the beginning, and don't know me, I went through a tough season, aka A Season of Hell, as I suffered with panic attacks, anxiety attacks and depression. It was incredibly tough and for those of you who have had one, or who also deal with anxiety, you know. My life at this point had to become very purposeful, guarded and intentional. There was a lot on the line, my marriage, my family, my reputation, my very life...my witness of who Christ was to me.
After TONS of testing, counseling, healing oils, new eating habits, vitamins, exercise, quiet times/meditations moments, research, breathing techniques and a very intentional prayer and scripture memory season, my thirst was once again quenched by The Living Water and my heart made healthy on feasting on my Daily Bread. The bondage of fear was lifted, the chains were broken and I was Free Indeed!!! I felt lighter, literally. Emotionally and Physically, the burden of pain that weighted my heart and soul nearly all my life, had been lifted. No longer did I live with the "What if (blank) happens?" and controlling fear. My entire life had filtered through, "What if."
I began that process in December 2008 and through every thing intentional- physically, emotionally and spiritually, God gave me freedom. And what a perfect time to declare it than on my birthday, that April 4, 2009! On my own, I had learned that what I had been doing was called exposure therapy. I went from fearing the planes flying overhead, declaring I would never fly again, to celebrating the step that I could actually go inside an airport again! My husband was floored when he walked out of the walkway to see me standing there, inside... at the gate with the kids to pick him up. It was a huge victory! It took a week of laps around the airport, looking at pictures, to get me there. Eventually, I flew short flights at first, even a little prop plane with 4 seats and I had to step up, on a ladder...on the wing just to get in it....oh my goodness that is a whole other story for another time!!!!!!....and lots of scripture cards in hand with oils all over me to get to that place. Since then, I have logged many miles with some more stressful than others, but praise God, I have risen above the clouds and to God be all the glory!!!
I also graduated to higher floors in the elevators and handled crowded places better and got back on a boat. So, I, being the list person I am, I set up the final test and we headed to Galveston for an overnight bday celebration! We stayed on the top floor, rode a boat, went under (and lingered through the anxiety till it stopped) a tunnel and stood with my toes touching the window, looking over out my window, on the edge! No panic or anxiety attack!!! WOW and AMEN!! I know this seems trivial and maybe even ridiculous to some but it's okay. Another thing I have had to learn is acceptance for where I am at any time on my journey in life, and letting go of the fear of judgement. My victory is not your victory. My milestones may be your landmarks and that's okay. I have come to accept and appreciate how we are all uniquely, "fearfully and wonderfully made" created for His purpose and glory.
So, here I am 5 years later, still with smaller thorns in my flesh but praise God, a flesh without chains!! I still have to live a very intentional life, even though I get lazy sometimes, I admit. But my heart desires to be pure before the Lord, my heart to encourage and minister to others is strong. It has been through this pruning and uprooting in my life that my strong-will is a blessing. I fight to be stronger, to be Proverbs wiser and sharper, to be healthier for His name sake and not my own. 
I will never forget that desperate December Day in 2008, crouched on the floor, when I gave myself over in absolute depletion to my God and uttered, "I can't do this anymore. I cannot live another day like this, in this pit alone without You. Please just bring me Home with You." Although I have many stories of moments like this where God revealed Himself to me, this one I will never forget. After months of void, He returned, my Shelter over me, my Shield and my Refuge, my Strength and my Hope, He returned. I felt like Job. "Please God, no more here. I just want You." He was always there. It was in that moment, I felt Him near and He spoke to me saying, "If you want to encourage others in my Name, how will you do it if you are not even here to do it?!" I sat frozen for a minute, it had been a long dry wilderness since I had felt Him and especially heard Him and this was a drenching rain on my dried out "soul." My reply back was, "But I have nothing anymore, I can't. If You want me to do it, then You have to help me and do it for me." And the healing journey began. 
I began moving forward and not backwards. That's right where He wants us, living on His breath, His strength, His wisdom. What I felt was the end of my life, was actually the beginning of really living! Oh the stories I could share and I pray that my blog has encompassed many of them. I blog to encourage and to remember, for myself and for others.
I no longer see myself as broken and shattered pieces. I have been made whole and am held together by the grace and mercy of my God. He is my glue. His Word is healing to my flesh. Without Him, I will fall apart and on those days I am lazy, my pieces begin to rattle and I am quickly reminded of my Glue and how I must guard it. I do not want to fall apart again. I do not want to leave open doors for satan to get a foot-hold, so I must live intentional, standing firm on the foundation of Christ, guarding my heart and mind and spirit in the Name of Jesus, and that victory is His! There are testings and prunings that will continue to shape me and test me to make me stronger, I have those as we all do. But I pray that these 5 years have at least taught me one thing, God never moves out of our reach. Like Peter in the boat, God grabbed his lifted hand before he sank. He is near to us just the same. He will never leave us of forsake us. I pray and confess my unbelief will be quickly redeemed and restored to active belief.
For the past 5 years, I now celebrate what has happened and say Thank You Lord, but I also look forward with hope and anticipation at what is next in every tomorrow as I live intentionally for every Today!! I don't want to go back to yester years. Me today knows the Lord better than ever before, loves Him more than ever before and looks forward to each day I breath in His grace than ever before. Not every day is blissful and full of roses, but every day God is God and that is my victory and joy!!!!! He is worth living for!
I still say "Better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere" Lord Jesus. You are my everything and my heart and hands lift to praise You alone, my All in All, my Prince of Peace and Mighty Healer, Provider, Protector, Abba Father, Caring  Friend and All Sufficient Savior. There is none like You, and I don't want anyone else but You. You are my Lord, my King, my God, my Refuge, my Redeemer, My Strength, My Everything!!! Amen.
Our encouragement from Romans 8:

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."