Life of Grace

You think you're happy until one day you smile so much, your cheeks hurt. You think you rule your world until the day your world turns upside-down. You think you're faith is everything until Jesus reminds you He is everything. 

The presence of God sends chills through the tiny hairs on your arms and you learn it's the presence of your Spirit rejoicing from the inside out. You think you can do it, until God shows you how He's gonna do it. You think you have enough money, until the unexpected happens. You think you will live a full, long life until that tumor appears. 

We sure do a lot of thinking. 

The world is full of assumptions but one thing we do not have to make assumptions about is our Lord Jesus. According to the Scriptures, Christ Jesus is the Cornerstone, our strong Foundation. The Lord is our Redeemer, King, Father, Refuge, Friend, Shield, Answer, Protector and Sweetest Love. He is faithful, just, righteous, steadfast, enduring, long-suffering, gracious, merciful and mighty. In the simplest of human languages and definitions, these are the characteristics and promises of Our Savior which hardly do justice to defining an infinite God. He's so much more than we can think or imagine. 

All knowing, all seeing, all able, ever present is He. It is written, He is LORD over all. All our worry. All our fear. All our plans. All our blessings. All our bodies. All the principalities. All. He is All.

"However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him— these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 

For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 

This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. 

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit." 1 Corinthians 2: 9-14 NIV

Ecclesiastes reminds us there will be times for everything in this life. As countless as the stars in the sky are the numerous variables on this side of Heaven for you to be able to figure things out and have an unshakable, fortified plan outside of living by faith, for grace, by hope, with trust and in love.. In the economy of God A + B does not always = C. But rest assured Jesus + God + Holy Spirit = Life. E v e r y  s i n g l e  time.

Whatever you are facing today, seek the Lord. With Him you will have life. With Him you will have peace and joy even through tears and questions of sufferings. He is our Healer and Counselor for all the hurts. Life is not fair or predictable. But God is. We are weak, but He is strong. Don't forget, there is an enemy working against you, to keep you from experiencing a gracious and joy-filled life. 

So, how do we live by faith and feel purposeful and ready for whatever comes our way? By spending time leaning into God, learning who He is through daily Bible reading, fellowship through Bible studies, in songs of worship, and by the testimonies of others of like-minded faith. Arming yourself with His armor and not just your plans. Knowing who God is, the One you are placing all your hopes and fears in, the greatest Love of your soul, waits ready to meet with you and reveal His love to you every day. You will find Him if you seek Him. He isn't seeking your lip service and He isn't fooled by our masks.

He is am amazing God who saves sinners by grace, who extended the Peace offering, with grace. Your sins and my sins have earned us an eternity in the lake of fire and gnashing of teeth, but by the Grace Giver our Lord, He sent His Son to pay the debt we owe and we are found in Him righteous. Wow. That's everything. We have redemption forever in Him. We have life ever lasting in Him. Today and always, we have comfort, peace, joy, purpose, in Him. He is the same yesterday, today and forever, amen! Will you choose today, to accept and live in this life of Grace?

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 

2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV

Prayer: Father God, Lord over All, we pray according to the Scriptures we may be found faithful in You..."Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. 

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also." 

2 Corinthians 6: 4-13 NIV May it be so, amen. Here is where we live, not in the black and white, rather Where Faith is. 

Worship in Song here: 

Life is hard but God is good

They were familiar voices, “Who do you think you are? You’re not good enough. You’re no one.” “You are too shy, and have no real talents or giftings.” “You will be an embarrassment to God and your family when you mess up.” “You’ll never have real friends once they see your quirks.” “So many others do it better than you.” "No one likes you." "Life is too hard, just quit, it's easier to stop living." "No one will miss you." Sound familiar? Oh the lies!!
 But then just as any court case, my Defender stands and rebukes the accuser, “You are My child and that qualifies you enough.Your relationship with Me is witness to My unending grace and unconditional love. I have allowed you to suffer for a while so you would seek Me, and find Me, that you could be made stronger, proving Myself faithful to you and to you strength you didn't know you had.You do not need to know everything about everything. In your pain, you find My strength. I have tomorrow already planned. Share your heart, love as I have loved you and trust Me as I equip you with all you need and who you need. I know the desires of your heart and I am with you. You are My child and I love you just as you are. I will always provide for you. You are Mine and My Grace is enough for every today and each tomorrow. I am with you always and have been where you are going.You are never alone." 

There was a time I didn't hear those redeeming and life-giving words. Over the past decade, I have learned to heed the voice of God, and it's only come through knowing Him better, being in His Word and fellowshipping with Him. Sheep know their Shepherd's voice. 

God is for us even when it feels like the world is against us. Scriptures tell us the evil one seeks to kill and destroy us. Sadly, we often don’t make it hard for him. Satan is clever in twisting truths, causing chaos, creating hectic schedules and heavy hearts. There is nothing he won't do to distract us from faith, hope and love. When we begin to feel the darkness around us, this is a call to war. Ephesians 6 teaches us how to be prepared for battle when our thoughts turn to despair. We are most vulnerable to attacks when we take our focus off of Christ and filter everything through our own likes and abilities. 
It's easy to get caught up in "self." What we don't have or can't have physically, emotionally or spiritually. Negative thoughts and lack of contentment will suffocate our souls. Quickly, we fall into despair and are robbed of peace, joy and hope. Real weakness feels overwhelming to a heart depleted. I remember this in my own life, December 2008. Brought to the end of myself, pride nearly killing me, a heart for Jesus but left unguarded and a mind easily distracted, there laid the crossroads of life and death. 
How crucial it is then to be connected well into a Body of Believers where you can confide and receive encouragement and renewal of hope and focus. The Lord wisely tells us to not forsake the gathering together foreknowing we would have troubles and in order to accomplish the greater purposes for each of us in this life, we would need each other. Life is more meaningful when we are invested in each other and focused on pleasing the Lord above all else, not settling for anything less than what is God's best. Pride is the carrier for perfectionism, fear, insecurity, confusion, and worthlessness which can be our means of death. But if we humble ourselves and seek help, we will be lifted in spirit and interceded for, renewing our hope...if we allow it. Not everyone in my church knew the season of trial, but a few did, because I was desperate enough to expose myself to them, trusting the Lord would take care of me through them. Women who were devoted to Him and dearest to my heart. They advocated for me and fought hard in the war on my behalf. They lifted my weary arms so my hands could still praise Him. Quitting does seem easier when you are desperate for a fresh breath and a new beginning, but it is here at the end of self, mercy has it's full effect as it breaths life into us every new morning when we surrender ourselves to rest in His care. At these crossroads, we have a choice towards life or death. Who's voice will we listen to, and act upon? Who do we trust to care for us? Who has our best interest in mind? Who has sacrificed for us on our behalf? Where does our hope come from?
Depleted and weary souls don't have an age or skin color. The enemy is not picky. Who are the silent few around you suffering in silence thinking quitting life is an easier option? Is it you? Friend, we cannot allow emotions to dictate our purpose or plans. We must live life in the truth of who God says we are and for the purposes He has prepared us for. We were fearfully and wonderfully made, known and loved before our hearts had a beat. Our eyes must be set on the Hope of Christ Jesus, trusting even though He guarantees in this life we will have troubles, yet in Him, we are overcomers. We can boast in our weakness because in Him we are made strong. We must believe whole-heartedly and with confidence believe we have been created for a purpose beyond what our eyes can see. Today we have faith, hope and love because Love has won the war over the sting of death.
When we choose to believe instead of doubt, we prove God trustworthy as we walk through trials with joy as our strength, hoping for glory revealed. We are not victims. We are more than conquerers in Jesus. We are made powerful in Him. Like Paul, we can boast in our weaknesses, for His grace is sufficient for us despite the evidence of thorns embedded within our flesh. Like Job, we can loose much and be surrounded by naysayers, questioning our existence and yet still believe that Christ is our only Hope and King. Like Noah, there will be the few that stick close by you to accomplish what God has planned while others reject and scoff at you. 

Friend, pay attention to the smallest of whispers and discern if they are the voice of a Scoundrel or a Savior. Then, allow Truth to wash over you and strengthen you for today.
Your life is precious even if you don't feel it. You have a purpose even when you don't see it. You matter to people you think don't approve of you. Your identity doesn't lie in the hands of others, or your own self...you were created by God, for good. Seek those in your life you trust will fight for you. Seek the local church, or a professional if you find darkness swallowing you whole. Don't let pride be the death of you.
Life is hard. Oh, how we need our Savior. You may be reading this and not have accepted Christ as your Savior. While I can't make that choice for you, sure wish I could. I would beg of you to listen because He is calling out for you to hear Him, to accept the Love Gift He has for you. You are not nothing. You are special! You are cared for! You are necessary to Him! No one can offer the peace and joy of Jesus, except Jesus. He can't lead you if you haven't chosen to follow Him first. Our hope is in Him. Our peace, is Him. Our comfort and strength is in Him.

If you are a Believer, Praise the Name of Jesus out loud, for He is able to do exceedingly more than we can ever think or imagine and Satan needs to be reminded of this truth and so do those around you! His grace has enough space for you! His message is in you and ready to be shared and there is a world needing to know this Hope. We have been commanded to share the Good News with future generations, to go and make disciples. Hear His call, and go! You’ve got this 'cuz He’s got you! 
Life is hard but God is good. Your Defender is standing guard over you, trust Him and don't give up. He will be your strength. When darkness sets in, use your Light, tighten your armor ready to fight, standing guard over the truth. The enemy will exhaust you so you must keep strong in The Word, day and night. Keep feasting on the Scriptures. There is a season for everything under the sun, so endure with grace and faith. You are not alone in this. 
Let us not forsake the gathering together and let us love God and love others well. Pray! Lift your requests to Him and pray for one another, stirring one another up! Love is the path that leads us to Life. Let Love reign. His heart is for you.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

If you or a loved one are contemplating suicide or are feeling overwhelmed by despair, please reach out to someone, anyone. Here is a hotline you can call of people who know what you are feeling and understand: 1-800-273-8255.

You are not alone!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!! Be strong and courageous!!! God is for you when all others are against you. At the crossroads, CHOOSE LIFE!!!!

Light in the darkness

Sometimes it takes more than a deep breath to ease ourselves in the midst of a panic moment. Those moments when you feel your world tremble, the rug being yanked out beneath you, the stab of betrayal, the punch of loss, pain of illness, the closing in of fear, worry and anxiety, and the unknowns. Mounted ontop of an already scary and evil world we live in. This is still one nation Under God, for the sheer fact He is above us. But we certainly do seem to live or build our country this way. Then again, evil has always been at work and God has always been on the Throne, so some things haven't changed except the date and the route.
I have suffered with anxiety and panic since I was a young girl, terrified of the boogie man and harm coming to me from someone in my community. My parents were involved with Crime Prevention so these were real concerns to a little girl. I heard about all the "stuff" going on in my community and it was frightening. Even in school, I was afraid of being an innocent by-stander getting caught in the midst of evil. These awareness and lack of confidence for a shy and insecure girl often shook my world in tangible ways. My body turned cold, shivering head to toe. 
As I grew older, the fearful attacks grew less and yet I have always lived a life "looking over my shoulder" and always wondering "what if....!" In 2008 when I walked into the darkness of panic and anxiety attacks, my world earthquaked and knocked me off my feet where I fell flat on my face, thankfully right at the feet of Christ my Savior. It was an intense, frightening journey but in the midst of this fire, God refined me. My heart, mind, soul and spirit we reshaped. He showed me how to have Light in the midst of darkness. Of course, being a Google-Everything kind of person, I had immediately begun researching "panic attacks" to learn what to do to stop them. There are so many books and techniques, I studied day and night looking for answers. I made a list that quickly ran dry as I crossed off what didn't work for me. 
Well meaning friends would simply say Just pray or Give it to God, only it wasn't and isn't that simple. There had never been a time I cried and believed as desperately as I was in those moments. This is why I blog my journey. Unless you've been through it, others can't fully understand what it is like or what it takes to get through it breath by breath and moment by moment. This is true of any situation of loss, illness, pain any of us face. Our solution is the same no matter what ails us. Our solution is our Savior!
So, how do you conquer feeling overwhelmed, scared, panicked, worrisome, constantly fearing the next attack, wondering what you had done wrong, wondering what you were missing in your walk with the Lord, wondering why God had allowed this, wondering why it wasn't stopping after every desperate pleaing prayer. How do you comprehend another day living like this. 
It was here in this darkness I learned the Light of Grace, the Light of Hope, the Light of Praise, the Light of Love. All these years I begged and prayed, cried and feared. Finally, Light. "Your Word is lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105" Our only hope is God. Our only rescue is the Blood of Christ. Our only strength is the Holy Spirit within the Believer, leading us towards the Prince of Peace, the Great I Am, our Redeemer, our King. 
If you or a loved one are suffering attacks of any kind in your life and you feel closed in by darkness, may I have the privilege to share with you a few the practical things I did that allowed Light in.... 
~Know you are greatly and dearly loved by God, even if you don't feel loved, you must accept the truth that you are by The God of this universe. Love conquers.
Read Romans 8.
~Saturate yourself in The Word and meditate on Truth, opposing all lies of the evil one. I admit that my first GoTo was Google, not God. It was Tips vs Transformation. I wanted transformation. 
Read Psalm 119.
~Write out Scriptures to keep with you in your pocket or purse. I made laminated Scripture cards for my keychain so I had quick access and could hold them in my hand when I prayed in those moments pulling out the Big Study Bible wasn't practical.
Read Deuteronomy 6.  
~Breath deep. Inhale Grace as you exhale fear, worry, pain, insecurity. You can feel it leaving you, especially when you are allowing it to be a Grace Breath. It will settle your body physically, emotionally and spiritually. 
Read 2 Corinthians 12. 
~Seek Intercessors to pray with and for you. While we are all instructed to pray, God has placed a special call on some Believers to be Prayer Warriors. These people stand tall, strong and firm against the realm we often forget about. They are girded up and ready to fight. Humble yourself and ask them to fight for you. Ask them to lay hands on you and pray over you. Ask them to remember you in prayer. Meanwhile, pray for them to remain faithful and strong as they fight on your behalf. They are putting themselves in the line of direct fire so they certainly need your cover too. 
~Praise everywhere, at all times. Peace is ushered in by praise. Rest in worship. Let it be part of your new nature to seek Him first, above the worry, through the stabbing pain. Inahle Grace and praise Him for never leaving you or forsaking you and loving you like no one else possibly can. Count your blessings and receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl, but to worship from a desperate and hoping and trusting heart is beyond mere pleasantries. 
Read Philippians 4.
~Seek help from Christian counselors. Sometimes we need more than we can give ourselves. Do what you need to do to be led by someone who knows your struggle. You are not alone in your struggle.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I pray these words of mine encourage you to seek The real Words that heal and transform, to the Light of Grace and Love that saves you. Stay strong!!!! 

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Honduras, 2009

Thankful for Being Perfectly Imperfect

November is the traditional month of Thanks-giving. Social media fills the airways of stories and events in people's lives and in history that are filled with giving thanks, where they were blessed beyond measure, given or won something they couldn't imagine or saved from something that could have destroyed them but didn't. This is true for me too. Every November, like everyone else, I reflect daily on the blessings God has poured out on me. The list is nearly endless. From family to friends, to provisions, to the active and real presence of my Lord, I give abundant thanks from each glory to glory.
Thanksgiving comes naturally in the midst of the current goodness or blessing but sometimes our thanksgiving comes from a place of deep pain or heartache. We are thankful to no longer be in pain anymore. We are thankful to have been saved from something, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. Remembering these moments are bittersweet. Painful remembrances yet remembered for the redeeming love that brought us through them. Bittersweet.
As many of you know from reading or hearing of my own testimony of God's refining rescue in my own life, November is that month of bittersweet reflection for me. So many times in God's Word He tells us to "remember" and "give thanks in all circumstances." As much as we want to forget times of pain in our lives, the valleys we had to crawl through served to build our spiritual muscles, the fires that burned us, didn't consume us but purified and refined us. I would never choose to walk through another valley or be tossed into a firery pit so it behooves me to take personal inventory of my life to make sure I am doing all I can to stay out of them. 
Like Paul, I asked the Lord to remove the thorn from my flesh several times and the Lord saw it best not to. I can't help but think God wanted him to feel that twinge of a reminder lest he ever forget that bittersweet place in his life when God saved him. This was true for me too. I have moments in my heart (literally and figuratively) I feel that twinge from the remnants of the thorns that once pierced me.
I am brought back to September 2008 when our ladies Bible study was starting back up for the Fall Semester. The study was He Speaks to Me. For months I felt like I hadn't connected to God. I felt too busy, but a good busy. I just wasn't hearing Him and this study was advertised for just a person. I was breaking my back to be the perfect Wife, Mom, Friend, Church Servant. I was actually breaking my heart, and God's. My anxiety and perfectionism drove my high expectations of myself, as well as trying to be a perfect reflection of a Proverbs 31 woman who served her family, friends and community with perfection. Only to find myself frustrated and failing constantly. If I got one thing right, I missed 3 others. If I got the Wife of the Week Award, I got Worst Mom Award the same week and visa versa. I would get up and start the house cleaning, pushing the kids out the door for school so I could get to working and then feel the shame and loss of missing what I really wanted the morning to look like with a hot cooked breakfast, hugs and prayers. Or I would spend all day cleaning the outside yard and doing laundry only to be too exhausted to play with them when they got home...and then there were the bathrooms and picking up and cleaning the floors, running errands, trying to squeeze in a devotional and on and on. Sooooo much to accomplish and I just couldn't get it all done. I felt like I was on autopilot trying to get it "perfectly perfect" each new day. I thought, "One day...."  I would get this whole Wife, Mom, Friend, Christian woman life right...but that day never came. And no wonder I felt distant from God. I was too busy with my own list to consider His. I was so concerned about my own perfectness, I missed His perfectness. I feared my failures instead of fearing my God.
My thoughts screamed at me constantly to try harder and do this and that. There was no silence or rest to hear what God had to say. And yes, I worshiped throughout the day, jamming out to my Christian music. And yes, I prayed as I thought of someone of something I needed to pray for. And yes, I attempted to do my Bible study lessons for the week only to cram in a few days at a time to make sure I didn't show up without answers. I wanted to reflect God perfectly and my intentions perfectly, so I made sure that by all outward appearances, I had it together, proving that as a Christian woman, I...we...really could "do all things in Christ who is my strength." Phil 4:13. However, it was breaking my heart, and God's. 
I couldn't seem to find my own way out of this performance cycle and God stepped in to give me a hand. My study book actually went missing during Week 2 homework. How embarrassing is that?! I lost my book? After two weeks? Good grief!! I did not want to go back to class but I was responsible for leading the worship time each week. I had to still show up. Ohhhh, I thought of excuses to hide, but I wasn't going to lie in order to hide. Filled with complete embarrassment, I went and sat with blank paper and pen. My teacher and friend offered me a weekly email with the Scripture verses that I could look up and write my thoughts down and I would at least be able to stay on topic with the ladies. 
The first day I sat down with her email, shaking my head, I opened my Bible to read and reflect on each scripture. I felt a small stirring in my spirit. Each day that week, I remember feeling excited to look up the next set of scriptures. I realized that over the years, I had gotten really good at doing Bible studies, without the Bible. I dug deep and took into consideration what the author was trying to teach that day, making sure I got the right answers and not really ever needing to open my own Bible to honestly find what God was trying to say. (One reason I don't like when authors write the verse for you in the study book, replacing the need for using a Bible. It spiritually spoon fed me. I didn't have to work for anything or discover the Living Water personally. I got sips of theirs.) I had forgotten or maybe gotten too distracted or maybe even too lazy or too busy and was forgetting who's word I needed to discern and dig deep into.
God's Word is a healing balm and it refreshes the soul. I began to thirst for it every morning, even if I didn't get to it till the afternoon time. Oddly enough, the very last week, I found my book. It had been kicked under the computer desk, don't know how or by whom, and I just had to laugh. God had obviously taken it away from me so that I could truly do a Bible study. I realized then, I needed to be in His Word, literally.
Eventhough my desire for His Word was ignited again, I still was attempting the "perfectly perfect" life of a Christian woman of God who did all things with joy, grace and perfection evidenced by her well kept home, healthy meal planning, well behaved and respectful children, a smiling and adoring husband with a  smile on her face all the while I was screaming and dying on the inside of all my trying. My heart was failing. My spirit was defeated. My mind was spinning. And yes, I was still praying but my prayers were for help...to be perfect in all that I felt I needed to be and do. And yes, I still worshiped the God who was my source of all....perfection. My strength in my weakness. Oh how deceptive and slick evil is.
One day, December 6, 2008, God turned off my autopilot and put me in neutral. All of a sudden, my life had lost control. The tight hold I had on my life was gone. Through a very dark season of fear, crying out from the depths of darkness, trying still to keep the face of faith on, I quickly found myself in a pit of nothingness. I imagined myself being overcome by the quicksand of life, slowly sinking further and suffocating in the end. I was drowning in my soul. I saw no rescue. I felt no peace. My hope was breaking to pieces just like my heart. My faith was shaking just as my mind was tossed back and forth. 
But why?!? At the time, I didn't understand why this was happening. My whole aim in life was to do my best at being a "perfect" Christian woman of God. To make the right choices and do all the right things for God, for myself, for my family, for others. And there it was. I was trying to be perfectly perfect at being perfect, concerned with how I appeared to God and to others rather than being concerned with how I appeared to God and how God appeared to me. My life was a series of To-dos that needed to be done with perfection instead of a life of To-be that needed to be done for for the glory and pleasure of a Perfect God. 
Satan constantly reminded me that I was imperfect, never able to measure up to what I thought I should be. I felt shame, embarrassment and guilt at the truth of this knowing I could never get it all perfectly right. But God.... He stepped in and reminded me that I am perfectly imperfect in His name. For the first time, I felt grace and mercy at the truth of knowing that while I could never do all things or be all things perfectly, that in Him, I could stand before Him and rest knowing that I was made perfect in Him through my imperfections. 2 Corinthinas 12:9-10 "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 
God took back control of my life and with His gentle yet firm hand, He lifted me out of that darkness and set me back on level, steady ground, my sure foundation! I felt my breath again. For the first time, I felt perfectly perfect, to be imperfect. My thirst for Living Water refreshed my heart, soul and spirit day after day. I woke up early in the morning to give Him my first fruits. I began and ended my days in thanksgiving for His healing grace, His strength despite my weakness, His grace despite my selfishness and pride, His unconditional love and acceptance for this imperfect girl. 
I no longer sought perfectionism in me. I no longer feared failure. I could finally find rest in my Perfect God. The shattered pieces of my heart, soul and mind were gathered together, and refined by His Fire. I realized how "me" centered my life had become when all my heart really wanted was a "God" centered life. The Pharisees had the same issues. While they knew God, they lived life according to the rules and to-dos and completely missed worshiping and knowing God's Himself, knowing His love personally, living with hope, joy, peace, love, trust and anticipation. They were on autopilot to stay the course and obey the rules, doing all kinds of good and making sure they played the part of righteous ones well. They missed the mark and lived a "me" centered life even though I bet if you asked them, they would probably would have said it was most certainly a "God" centered life.
It took months of prayer, being in God's Word consistently, meditating on His Word, embracing His love and forgiveness, seeking accountability, desiring His will for my day and not my own, to finally and truly be free from the bondage of "me" and becoming free indeed!!!! 
While the valley has thorns and the fire leaves scars, they are beauty from the ashes to my heart and soul. They remind me of God's great love and compassion for His children and how He desperately desires us to know Him, not just know of Him. Not just do things and be things in His name, but to do and be things because of His name. 
If I want to boast about God and experience His power resting on me, then I will "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses," and learn to be "content in my weaknesses." Not easily done when you are a recovering perfectionist!!! But it is possible with a healthy dose of humility and God's power!!! I think I had it backwards all those years...I was concerned about displaying the potential of Me as a Child of God instead of the perfectness and potential of my God. My Potential vs. God's Possible....I am perfectly imperfect but God is what is perfectly perfect. Satan wants us to only see the truth of who we are to shame us and cause us to drown in our own quicksand, but God stands as our Protector and Shield reminding us that in Him, we have been given power in Jesus Name to overcome and enable us to be more than conquerers in His Name. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus and nothing can separate us from His hold on us! (Romans 8) I am imperfect, "all have sinned" so Satan is right. But God....He redeems us and washes us clean, making us perfectly imperfect in Him! "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13 
I hope this reaches the drowning heart of another person who feels like they can hardly breath. You feel like you are on autopilot. You are running so fast that you don't feel like your feet are touching the ground sometimes and if they do, it is because you have fallen hard. May I encourage you to take a deep breath and breath in the grace of God's overpowering love and exhale all your efforts. You think you can keep going and doing all the good busy stuff you want or need to do and do it all in the name of Jesus, but if you don't stop and place yourself into His care and purpose of being and doing, and get Him truly at the center of you, He will gently but firmly save you from yourself, but let me tell you, the fear of that darkness will not quickly be forgotten. Much better that you heed warnings that you are approaching quicksand before you find yourself suffocating in it. It is much better to fall on your knees than to be brought to your knees...I promise you!!! And yet how bittersweet that once we have been on our knees, we will once again stand!!!!! Bruised and blistered, yes... but not destroyed!! Refined, not refused!! Loved, not lost!!

" But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; " 

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

If you have lost your thirst for the Word...if you feel like you do not have control over your days...if you feel like you are going to scream...if you feel like God is far away...if you feel there is no hope and you are sinking in quicksand...if you feel alone and forsaken...you feel like a complete failure...may I gently and firmly remind you that both God and Satan are at work in your life and you have to decide who's voice you will listen to and believe. Satan is the Father of Lies and God is the Father of Love. Satan wants to destroy you from the inside out but God will heal you from the inside out. God has not forsaken you. You are perfectly imperfect and greatly loved. You are not alone. You are not a lost cause. There is a Redeemer name Jesus Christ who has come to set the captive free and it is in Him you will find your strength, joy, peace beyond measure. Reach out and take hold of Him again. You must pray, put on your armor and fight for your life in Christ. Right now, there is a battle for your heart, soul and mind that you cannot see but you are probably feeling so you must believe that you are more than a conquerer. Victory has already been declared on the Cross and it is yours to receive! You do not need to give up the fight here on earth to end the chaos and pain. Our Redeemer lives. Peace is here now! The King of kings and Lord of lords, the Ruler over all things, people and principalities stands strong guarding His children. Get into His Word, the Living and Active, 2 edged sword, and let Him heal and help you out of the darkness. His "word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105 You cannot give up or quit. You must replace your "me" centeredness with God at the center again. Fall on your knees and cry out to Him in all honesty and faith, believing He is who He says He is and can do just as He has promised in His Word. Do not doubt His love or ability, and do not doubt that you are worthy of His love. God will be your rescue but you need to do your part and be willing to be rescued. Pray. Seek. Believe. Hope. Surrender. Reclaim your life in Him and live the life He has planned and purposed just for you. Look up Friend and stand once again on steady ground, a Sure Foundation because He is that Foundation!! If you do not have the strength to reach up, then reach out and ask for help. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf but God also calls others to do the same. You may have been too much into yourself to look out an notice the hands and feet of God reaching out to you. Open your eyes and see that the Lord is good and He is near! Do not be afraid to take off the Perfect Mask and reveal yourself to others. Be authentic and real. Be careful who you trust and seek out those who will love you through Christ's love and care. Remember, you are strongest when you are the weakest, it just may not feel that way yet!! 

"And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:6-7

My name is Michele, and I am a Perfectly Imperfect Woman of God!

Expanding Boundaries: Our Move to Paradise

Josh and I have been married for going on 22 years and many conversations surround the idea of "Would you ever...." or "Wouldn't it be awesome to move to (blank) and live there for a few years?" For years, we have desired to make a big move and take an adventure living on the beach or in the mountains. But for many reasons, we never did. We just dreamed it. Maybe ultimately it just wasn't time yet. Occasionally throughout the years, we would go look at new developments or Open Houses but each time, it never felt right. But God was stirring in us "a move." As much as we wanted to, we didn't want to. We are comfy people who like to be comfy!
Over 10 years ago, Josh applied for a youth ministry job in New Braunfels and that was a daring move in our minds, but by faith we went. The thought of moving out of town seemed too big for Mr & Mrs Comfortable. Then, over the past 2 years specifically, we have been looking for property in a nearby town but nothing ever felt right. It would have been a small move with little change to our lives other than new schools for the kids which we were hoping for. A year or so later, our church announced a new church plant up north from us in another town we like to visit, on the lake. That would be a little bit bigger of a move north but we weren't sure and yet we began looking at houses, seriously this time, not curiously. 
There are 3 other places we always tease about one day, packing it up and moving big. Back in the day (as recent as July 4th of this year) our hearts raced thinking about, dreaming about, "Wouldn't it be awesome to...move to New Braunfels!?" The other place is a small town in New Mexico, or maybe even Colorado! To experience 4 real seasons sounds dreamy! We love the mountains in any season and we love the water- river, lake and beach. Another location we love is the Florida, but that is soooo far and a much bigger move and would be a long shot.
Unlike the younger years when we didn't have kids to think about, that would have been a perfect time to travel, but neither of us had money to do that and at the time, we were young marrieds actively involved in youth ministry at our church and were excited to just start living life at home as the new Mr and Mrs. Now, every decision is first covered in prayer, of course and then we have to consider the family of 6. What about a local church, schooling, the finances, the environment, the distance from medical help, etc.
Our life seemed to shift over this past year and it's almost like crashing waves before the flood. We continuously felt "hit" and felt like the sands under our feet were sinking, and we no longer could get out, and the waters began to rise. We were taking on water. It was then our hearts began to stir at the end of June this year and we felt like God was about to step in and something big was about to happen. And He did. He said, "pack it up and go." We didn't know where or when or if really we would. We prayed fervently for God to show us and give us clarity either way. Practically, it made sense that it would be now, because we have a Senior in the house and it was literally our last chance as a family of 6 to take this family adventure together before we are a family of 5 living together. Spiritually, it made sense cuz we were sinking.
So we prayed (and I began the purging the closets...just incase). We already had a vacation planned for the July 4th weekend in New Braunfels and we "figured" "THAT MUST BE IT!!!" HOW EXCITING!!!! For over 10 years we have served alongside a church there and "figured" that's where we will go. We began looking for houses and made an appointment for 1 tour during our visit. Everyone was eager to get there and we discussed (and prayed) what life would be like there, which church would we join, how it would affect work, our business, our family, our friends, schooling for the kids, cost of living, etc. It would be a bigger move than staying local, but it wasn't too big of a move only being a 3 hour drive away from Houston life, work, family, friends.
The Sunday before we left, Josh woke up and said, "I think we are supposed to move to The Keys." I seriously rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever." He looked at me and and I realized he wasn't joking. I still said, "No Way!" Churches? Hurricanes? Flooding? Sharks? Distance from mainland? Distance from family and friends? NO WAY!!!! He told me to at least pray about it and there was a part of me that wondered if he was just going for one of his dramatic moments and kidding around with me cuz he knew I would be freaked out only to come back with his "just kidding Babe." Ha. Ha...not funny. But I said I would pray, and I did. God, we know You are calling us to pack up and go but we want to be very clear about where. We want to follow where YOU want us to go and not Josh's plan, or mine. Show us and make it crystal clear, give us unity and give me peace especially, that I may not fear this change. We choose to follow You and trust You. Believing You will provide, amen.
I woke up Monday morning and had an excitement in my spirit, about moving...further than 20 min away...further than 2 hours north, further than 3 hours west...further than 16 hours away....all the way to The Keys...24 hours away (driving straight thru!). I was shocked. I shocked myself. I was shocked by God...."really God? The Keys?!? Soooooo far away?!?" We already had the plans for that upcoming July 4th weekend, so we eagerly anticipated some type of closure or clarity. We called and confirmed our appointment with the house the following day and all was good to go. I was hoping God would indeed confirm this was our place. 
The next morning, we loaded up the car and about an hour into the drive there, the realtor called and cancelled our appointment. The owners decided not to move. Wow....okay. Bummer. The drive only got worse when the freeway was shut down and we sat rolling at 10mph for hours only to detour and our 3 hour drive became a 6 hour drive. Everyone was grumpy and tired and yet, we still had our original plans to hang with our wonderful friends! We also couldn't wait to attend "our church" and wouldn't ya know, the Pastor was on vacation, guest Preacher was there, and he spoke about being brave and making moves that God calls you to. Alrighty, 3 strikes, we were out and a word of encouragement to make a big move. God was very clear. While sitting there on their gorgeous porch sipping coffee, in a town we'd love to have called our new home, we booked airline tickets to The Keys, to get our feet and hearts on the ground to pray and confirm what we felt was already set in stone. Surprisingly to me, The Keys didn't seem so terrifying that morning. COUld it really be Paradise over Panic?!? 
The very next week, the kids already had planned a vacation with family in Austin and would be gone, so we flew for our 48 hour confirmation time with the Lord. We flew into Key West and began our search. I will blog next time about God's "more than"  and all His confirmations from the moment we landed, but for now, where we are. Our first stop was Sugarloaf Baptist Church which the Pastor happened to be there and he blessed us with prayer and encouragement to keep moving forward by faith. Bless my heart! Thankfully, joy and anticipation overcame my fear and anxiety. I know most people won't understand that, this is The Keys and Paradise, however, it can also be a huge sense of anxiety for the above mentioned reasons. But there was peace, like a river...or a Key's Beach!!!
We fell in love with this place and Islamorada is now our new home for the year. We thought we would be in the lower keys, but this is it! We had a hard time finding a place which I will blog that part of the journey next time, and we wondered what God would do, and we were fine living in a campground if that's what He was calling us to humble ourselves to do. But, God has "more than" and we are beyond blessed to call this place our home. It's half the size of our last house but it has been perfect for us!! 
We skyped the kids and told them this was it, and they were excited! There was much to do in such a short period of time since the schools here began Aug 18th, a week earlier than Houston schools and they would need to all be registered! Josh met with his boss and explained that we would be moving for the year and was asking for approval to keep his job, we met with church leaders and let them know we would not be able to lead this coming year, and we told family members, friends and our LifeGroup. We are charter members at our church (going on 12 years there) and love every person. We would have loved to have hugged each one good bye (see ya later) but there wasn't a way to do that and we also didn't want to make a big deal about our move. We also didn't want to risk a bragging perception that we were "living the dream and moving to Paradise." Yes, it is true, but it's not exactly this grand adventure of fun. We are not growing a crazy wild hair and picking up to go do something crazy!! This comes with much prayer and concern. That being said, of course...It is a grand move. It is going to be an adventure. It is going to be fun. But it is also coming with a big price...leaving our comfort zones, missing our family, church family and friends, a comfortable life, a safe life, a familiar life, adjusting to a new life, a new culture, new schools, etc. The main thing we have to change which is not a price to pay in a negative way, is renewing our walk with the Lord. We have been uprooted, taken out of our comfort zones and placed in this remote place to seek a near God, to be more desperate on the shores of faith, seeking our faithful God and Father!
We must use this time to reprioritize our priorities. We recognize we must put God back as our first love and do intentional discipleship within each of our own hearts and souls. We must break old habits and well-oiled tendencies and give God all our hearts, our souls and our minds, and walk in such a way that pleases Him, and not negotiates with Him. We must focus on ministering to our own family. That doesn't mean we won't be ministering to others. We have a great love for ministering to others but we need to keep our priorities right: God, family, others. 
We had found ourselves depleting ourselves to others and not having anything left to minister to our own family. This year we know God will be teaching us how to do this right. It's going to be work as we have to break old habits. It's hard to make changes and yet it's necessary. Pruning hurts for the moment but in the end, it's fruitful. We want to be fruitful!
We must first love Him as our personal Lord with all our hearts. We must train up our children in the way they should go. We must not forsake fellowship of The Body and we must serve and love others. Mom and Dad must lead in this example. If we don't share, the kids won't share. If we don't serve, the kids won't serve. If we don't worship, the kids won't worship. As parents, our first mission field is our family. Second is the church. Third is the world. But it must start with us loving God, as our personal Lord and Savior just as He has called us to.  "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God,to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?." Deuteronomy 10:12-13. 
Our journey starts with Love. Continues with Love. Ends with Love.
We serve a very patient and loving God who meets us right where we are!! He knew I needed baby steps and He has patiently and faithfully and tenderly walked with me through each one. And here I am, yes, surrounded by Peace and Paradise and not by panic, praise the Lord Almighty, moving to a place I didn't think I would or could ever truly live. Wow. To see how He has laid out a foundation for us in which we are able to courageously walk it's length and depth where He has parted our waters for us to walk through to solid ground.
I don't know how long we will be there, I just know this is where He has led us. Our Home will always and forever be in a place called Paradise.
What are your boundaries? Your can'ts or wont's? Your wishes and dreams? Where in your life is God giving you opportunities to expand your boundaries? Where in your own life is He stretching you outside your comfort zone? Are you living practically or faithfully? 
Trust me, there is peace when you trust. If we live a practical life, we will have practical results. If we live a faithful life, we will have GREATER faith! That doesn't mean it will be easy. It does means you will have peace. I could go on about the faithfulness of God but I will stop here and say, "Love Him first!! Seek first, the kingdom of God...and remember that He works all things for good!" 

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Happy 5 Year Anniversary Birthday to Me!!!

Happy 5 year Anniversary of Freedom to me!!!!! I never really used to focus on my bday, it was mostly for the kids~ cakes and cards, laughter and fun. But, birthdays should be celebrated, as we look back and ponder lessons learned over the past year and cherish memories made, and let go of past failures. As much as I "hated" that dreadful year, I celebrate what God had done to bring me to that place of nothing, so I could have everything!! 
For those who haven't followed me from the beginning, and don't know me, I went through a tough season, aka A Season of Hell, as I suffered with panic attacks, anxiety attacks and depression. It was incredibly tough and for those of you who have had one, or who also deal with anxiety, you know. My life at this point had to become very purposeful, guarded and intentional. There was a lot on the line, my marriage, my family, my reputation, my very life...my witness of who Christ was to me.
After TONS of testing, counseling, healing oils, new eating habits, vitamins, exercise, quiet times/meditations moments, research, breathing techniques and a very intentional prayer and scripture memory season, my thirst was once again quenched by The Living Water and my heart made healthy on feasting on my Daily Bread. The bondage of fear was lifted, the chains were broken and I was Free Indeed!!! I felt lighter, literally. Emotionally and Physically, the burden of pain that weighted my heart and soul nearly all my life, had been lifted. No longer did I live with the "What if (blank) happens?" and controlling fear. My entire life had filtered through, "What if."
I began that process in December 2008 and through every thing intentional- physically, emotionally and spiritually, God gave me freedom. And what a perfect time to declare it than on my birthday, that April 4, 2009! On my own, I had learned that what I had been doing was called exposure therapy. I went from fearing the planes flying overhead, declaring I would never fly again, to celebrating the step that I could actually go inside an airport again! My husband was floored when he walked out of the walkway to see me standing there, inside... at the gate with the kids to pick him up. It was a huge victory! It took a week of laps around the airport, looking at pictures, to get me there. Eventually, I flew short flights at first, even a little prop plane with 4 seats and I had to step up, on a ladder...on the wing just to get in it....oh my goodness that is a whole other story for another time!!!!!!....and lots of scripture cards in hand with oils all over me to get to that place. Since then, I have logged many miles with some more stressful than others, but praise God, I have risen above the clouds and to God be all the glory!!!
I also graduated to higher floors in the elevators and handled crowded places better and got back on a boat. So, I, being the list person I am, I set up the final test and we headed to Galveston for an overnight bday celebration! We stayed on the top floor, rode a boat, went under (and lingered through the anxiety till it stopped) a tunnel and stood with my toes touching the window, looking over out my window, on the edge! No panic or anxiety attack!!! WOW and AMEN!! I know this seems trivial and maybe even ridiculous to some but it's okay. Another thing I have had to learn is acceptance for where I am at any time on my journey in life, and letting go of the fear of judgement. My victory is not your victory. My milestones may be your landmarks and that's okay. I have come to accept and appreciate how we are all uniquely, "fearfully and wonderfully made" created for His purpose and glory.
So, here I am 5 years later, still with smaller thorns in my flesh but praise God, a flesh without chains!! I still have to live a very intentional life, even though I get lazy sometimes, I admit. But my heart desires to be pure before the Lord, my heart to encourage and minister to others is strong. It has been through this pruning and uprooting in my life that my strong-will is a blessing. I fight to be stronger, to be Proverbs wiser and sharper, to be healthier for His name sake and not my own. 
I will never forget that desperate December Day in 2008, crouched on the floor, when I gave myself over in absolute depletion to my God and uttered, "I can't do this anymore. I cannot live another day like this, in this pit alone without You. Please just bring me Home with You." Although I have many stories of moments like this where God revealed Himself to me, this one I will never forget. After months of void, He returned, my Shelter over me, my Shield and my Refuge, my Strength and my Hope, He returned. I felt like Job. "Please God, no more here. I just want You." He was always there. It was in that moment, I felt Him near and He spoke to me saying, "If you want to encourage others in my Name, how will you do it if you are not even here to do it?!" I sat frozen for a minute, it had been a long dry wilderness since I had felt Him and especially heard Him and this was a drenching rain on my dried out "soul." My reply back was, "But I have nothing anymore, I can't. If You want me to do it, then You have to help me and do it for me." And the healing journey began. 
I began moving forward and not backwards. That's right where He wants us, living on His breath, His strength, His wisdom. What I felt was the end of my life, was actually the beginning of really living! Oh the stories I could share and I pray that my blog has encompassed many of them. I blog to encourage and to remember, for myself and for others.
I no longer see myself as broken and shattered pieces. I have been made whole and am held together by the grace and mercy of my God. He is my glue. His Word is healing to my flesh. Without Him, I will fall apart and on those days I am lazy, my pieces begin to rattle and I am quickly reminded of my Glue and how I must guard it. I do not want to fall apart again. I do not want to leave open doors for satan to get a foot-hold, so I must live intentional, standing firm on the foundation of Christ, guarding my heart and mind and spirit in the Name of Jesus, and that victory is His! There are testings and prunings that will continue to shape me and test me to make me stronger, I have those as we all do. But I pray that these 5 years have at least taught me one thing, God never moves out of our reach. Like Peter in the boat, God grabbed his lifted hand before he sank. He is near to us just the same. He will never leave us of forsake us. I pray and confess my unbelief will be quickly redeemed and restored to active belief.
For the past 5 years, I now celebrate what has happened and say Thank You Lord, but I also look forward with hope and anticipation at what is next in every tomorrow as I live intentionally for every Today!! I don't want to go back to yester years. Me today knows the Lord better than ever before, loves Him more than ever before and looks forward to each day I breath in His grace than ever before. Not every day is blissful and full of roses, but every day God is God and that is my victory and joy!!!!! He is worth living for!
I still say "Better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere" Lord Jesus. You are my everything and my heart and hands lift to praise You alone, my All in All, my Prince of Peace and Mighty Healer, Provider, Protector, Abba Father, Caring  Friend and All Sufficient Savior. There is none like You, and I don't want anyone else but You. You are my Lord, my King, my God, my Refuge, my Redeemer, My Strength, My Everything!!! Amen.
Our encouragement from Romans 8:

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."