I look back now and wonder how my life could have been different if I would have walked in the freedom of The Cross, being more confident and courageous, taking risks, one willing to fail and face rejection, not only in life, but within relationships with others and especially the Lord!? Oh the pit owned by Woulda, Coulda, and Shoulda. Thank God for the Great I Am! The God of Today! The God of all the Yesterdays!!! New mercies are ours. New opportunities! New spiritual muscles to climb of Will, Can and Should to climb out of any pit we fall into!!
Over the years, the fear of rejection (from God and others) built a mountain-sized wall, rock by rock, around my heart that allowed my heart to control the flow, pouring outward, not inward. I knew how insecure, anxious, inadequate and unintelligent I was on the inside. I couldn't let anyone know how "empty" I was on the inside. Receiving any sort of recognition or praise, and even help from others felt wrong to me. If they only knew I didn't deserve it. And I wanted to be the one helping. It’s like taking the 1st Place trophy when you clearly came in 4th Place. It wasn’t right. I had a very pure heart with a genuine honesty that I absolutely could not take something that someone else deserved more, especially knowing I did not. So, the walls slowly built. Walls of pride and perfection that said, Here I am whole-heartedly...however, it's a one-way road. Picture a volcano. The stuff comes out but nothing comes in. Constantly flowing outward, nothing comes back up the mountain. It had been established there with rocky façade to make sure no one could climb in. Sure, I wanted love to come in, I am a heart-felt person, but I was afraid. Afraid they would see I didn’t deserve their friendship or gift. Fear they would see I was actually nothing, a nobody. Fear they would betray me. Fear they would make fun of me. Fear became my Protector. It was my constant Security Guard controlling the world around me. No one was permitted beyond a certain point. Satan fed me the lie that to honor God well, I had to reflect God in His perfection, sacrifice self, deny myself. He has been clever at distorting the truths of God since the beginning of time.
I prayed for the opportunity to meet others where they were and encourage them, however, no one was allowed to join me where I was. I remember when my parents announced they were getting a divorce the summer of my Sophomore year in high school, and I zipped up my upper lip, got in my car, and got busy. I stayed busy with school work and dance team. I could be found at the church every second the door was open, playing volleyball or cleaning, helping others do whatever they needed, all to keep busy. I was most certainly devastated but I didn't show it. After time, I didn't see it anymore. It was buried in lava. I remained strong and available for everyone else, and for me. They would know how strong I was if I kept smiling and it would then prove my emotional and spiritual maturity. And, I could appear "just fine" to be there to encourage them in their time of need. Oh how backwards I was!!!
Even as I have this conversation with you, I am praying God strengthens me to be transparent in my heart's thoughts, feelings and attitudes. As heart-driven of a person I am, I still struggle with fear, even though it is to a much lesser degree than in years past. Praise The Lord!! While I am shy by nature, fear is a thorn in my side, a scar on my soul, a pit in a tiny corner of my heart. It's a wound only the pure Grace of God can heal. Walls have been built and set for many, many years. They were built high and wide to protect and block pain from entering in. I felt protected, safe and self-sufficient behind my walls. They were thick. This may not have been the healthiest way for me to avoid pain but it was the easiest.
Everyone else seemed to be bold and courageous, strong and beautiful. It just wasn’t me. I had settled into the shy girl role and was fine right there. Eventually, I also settled into the ditzy-blonde girl role given to me, accepting all the dumb blonde jokes and their implications. In the 90’s it was not easy being blonde. You either had to bounce around bubbly-dumb or spend a lot of time and energy proving people wrong which is what I attempted. Although I will admit, I never was the smartest girl in the room, I still wasn’t dumb! Over the years, I simply asked God, my very Best Friend, to fill my void of intimacy and sustain me. To be clear, God should be our most intimate relationship. He should be the One who fills our heart and spirit. I am referring to when we reject other genuine relationships.
Surrounded by people all the time, it was such an internally lonely existence and yet all the while I was being fooled by feeling God-honoring, righteous and purposeful, that my feelings didn’t really matter, I was all about ministering to others, others needed love, joy, hope and encouragement. Not me. Besides, I had Jesus as my BFF and that’s all I needed. And, if I wanted Him to stay close to me and not leave me, because then I would really be alone, I needed to do right, act right and be selfless. Jesus is Grace! I thought grace was for everyone else, something you could earn, something you could get, something you deserved. Wrong! Grace is a gift! Jesus is Grace!
God desires us to rely on Him, trusting His judgement over our own, as we live in community with each other. God places specific people in our life to bring us closer to Him, be it us giving into their life or us receiving from them. Not every relationship will look the same and neither will it have the same dynamic as others. We cannot fully know why God brings certain people into our lives but one thing we can know, that He is in control and works all things out for our good and His glory.
I have some friends who I think it’s a no-brainer we are friends with so much in common and just enough differences that they are a healthy sharpening, “as iron sharpens iron.” Proverbs 27:17. We need each other to grow. Then there are those “uncommon” friends who you wonder what you could possibly have in common and then all you see is God between you! We need each other to grow. Sadly, others hurt us in such a way that we learn harder life lessons, finding joy, peace, comfort and strength through sorrow, betrayal, hurts and loss. We need each other to grow. Every person touches us one way or another. We need each other to grow, and glorify the Father. What a shame to keep all the good ones out just to avoid the few painful ones. And to miss all those blessings and growth?!? We need each other! Remember, His way, His time, His glory! Our faith needs to be in the One who is ruler of this world and the spiritual world. He knows and sees everything! He is the Author of Life, beginning to end!
Since God's rebuilding of my heart to look and function more like His, I can say that He has been sooo gracious to take down those jagged lava stones one at a time. Evidently I wasn't moving at the pace God wanted me to, so He blessed my boots off with a few Rock Climbing Sisters who relentlessly climbed on over my heavily guarded rocks! The change of Guard finally happened and My Rock replaced My Fear. Till this day, God stands guarding my heart and I know that He will only allow in what He knows to be for my good and His glory. I trust Him.
Oh, how I wish I would have lived a life of greater trust, faith and obedience before now. And honestly, how I pray I always will. I hope I do. I plan to. I wonder how many times blessings passed me by over the years?! How often that “cool” thing could have been an “awesome” thing? I had become deceived that my feelings didn’t matter. Why did I think that? Why were my needs any less of a concern or importance than any one else’s? I believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough, others had it worse than me, I needed to be strong and prove my faith. With God by my side, surely I ought to be just fine...He is my strength, right? He is my joy, right? Yes, but those are grace enabling attributes because of The Power of The Cross. Not because I was strong or good enough. All God, none of me!
Ministering seemed to be a way for me to compensate for my inadequacy as I tried to prove my perfection as I helped others be “perfect” and feel loved and valued. They are so precious, imagine what God could do through them if they would just know how valuable and capable they were. When I got honest with myself, I realized it was true. I hid behind all my doings, keeping busy with others, using my gifts of compassion and encouragement, which distracted me from my own issues, plus I thought I was honoring God with my gifts and my heart, "considering others better than myself."
I guess I knew what inadequacy felt like and I didn’t want others to feel that way too. I knew how cowardly I felt and I wanted others to feel courageous and strong. My imperfect self would help others feel perfect and special. If you could see me right now, shaking my head. Writing those words down, I just cringe, shaking a spiritual fist at my younger self! Back then, my way of thinking made perfect sense in my head, but on paper, and now looking back, what twisted truths crafted into lies, molded straight from the pit of darkness. Everyone else deserves (blank) more than me. Their needs were greater. They were more worthy and had more potential to go further and I would help them do it, praying over them, doing life and Bible study with their interest and soul in mind. Never mind me. I was fine with Jesus as my BFF. What more did I need!?! Grace! That's what I needed! And eventually a holy spanking to knock that non-sense outa me!
Becoming a Mom only made matters worse! The "suck it up" part of parenting kicks in, the "lead by example" pressure is high. Following all the world's expectations of raising a "law abiding citizen with manners and a perfect outfit"...my wanting a perfect life just got harder....the fears, lies, hopes, and expectations only rooted deeper.
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda…here I am now and there is absolutely nothing any of us can do to change the paths that have already been walked. We can, however, choose today, to take a new path! Thank God we can begin a new direction on the road of forgiveness, grace and redemption! Praise God for His mercies that are new each and every morning! So, how am I different now? I am still shy at heart, that's just how God molded me in my demeanor, but I am not hidden or afraid. I acknowledge my gift of encouragement from the Lord and I walk in His strength and abilities to do it as I always have, however, I don't hide behind my own hurts, insecurities and failures in order to love on others. It is because of my own hurts that I can understand theirs. I pray my imperfections highlight the perfection of a Saving God! Through all my cracks and gaps, I pray others see Jesus. If they judge me, hurt me, betray me, belittle me, I trust the Guard of my heart to take care of them on my behalf! And He will take care of me just as He promises He will. Thank You Lord for my perfectly imperfect life!!!
May I take a moment and tell you how precious you are to the Lord?! You may not feel precious in your life and you may be desperate for validation and assurance that you are worthy of Grace. Let me tell you, from someone who wondered the same things, YES! Yes, you already are. Even in your mistakes. Even in the midst of crisis. Even when you make poor choices. Even when your heart wrongfully is led by pride, perfection and even a twisted truth of righteousness. You are deeply, unconditionally, loved and Grace can set you free if you will just climb out of your pit, or off your mountain, whichever place you find yourself!! Dig out of there and into The Word of God. You will not know the lies until you know The Truth. Read it for the sake of wisdom and discernment but for the sake of grace, be truth and love to yourself and others! He knows your heart. He gave it to you!!
"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in Him, "If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples,
and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
John 8:31-32 ESV.
“Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness to see me through my immature and selfish, fearful days. Create in me a clean heart O Lord, day after day. Grant me renewed boldness, honesty and spirit led determination to work out my salvation to bring You glory. May You always be the Guard over my heart, my soul and my mind that fear will have no room. God, I still ask you to completely remove the thorn in me that I would be fully free. I know I am nothing and I am undeserving of Your amazing grace gift, but Lord, I accept it and thank You with a humble heart who's eyes are set on You! I acknowledge my imperfections Lord and am so grateful that You certainly are my strength, all I need! May others see the image of Your beauty within me. It is my desire that You so fill me up that all others can see is You. Consume me from the inside out. Burn away all the lies and saturate me with Your truth! Remind us in our weak moments Lord that You are near. Thank You for sending Rock Climbers into our lives to reach our core. Help us to encourage each other from genuine hearts that are open and honest too. May we never seem perfect to others but rather, help them to see the You, the only Perfect One!! “Better is one day in Your house than thousands others!” Psalm 94:10 Amen!
“Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to Your love remember me, for You are good, O Lord.” Psalms 25:4-7
