When your loved one is suffering. Part One.

Do you have a loved one suffering with panic and anxiety attacks? I am betting that if you do, you are having a hard time understanding what they are going through and don't understand why it won't stop, why they say they think they might die. I know. That was my poor husband as I walked those scary and painful moments in 2008-2009. Honestly, your loved one who is suffering this heartache is asking themselves the same things. They don't get it either. 

As difficult as it has been to share my testimony and experiences with others, my spirit wants to testify to the goodness and sweetness of the Lord. In His grace, I found healing and the truest of love and kindness, and mighty, mighty power. But it took going through those dark days to see such pure Light. God's Word is full of testimonies of God's grace, provision and protection. I found such comfort being back in His Word, alive and active it is!! I felt less alone when I read the perils of Job and Paul and so many others. 

This is exactly why I began blogging and writing: to share and encourage. Yes, it's hard to visit those terrors but the hope to encourage and even save a life overshadows and uplifts me right over that pit of despair onto the wings of an eagle, soaring above defeat, shame and embarrassment. God has crossed my paths over the years with sweet Believers who have fallen into the same pits whom we have been able to share each other's journey, many in the middle of a valley. What a joy to celebrate hope and healing in Jesus Name together.

When I am sitting with the person in anguish, we speak the same language and as much as we get it, we don't get it. I liken it to listening to my teen speak calculus or when my husband it calling sports plays. I just don't understand their lingo. It's the same here. Until you have walked in the same shoes, it's a struggle to get it. 

We are able to feel what the other feels and understand the depths of it all, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, when I find myself sitting with the loved one, they really don't get it. The look in their eyes was the same bewilderment my husband had with me many years back. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in my body. 

He couldn't understand when I shut down or quickly fled situations, why I was so exhausted, why I couldn't handle loud noises and big crowds. One of the most painful stings to the heart is the look of weirdness, puzzlement, judgement, nervousness in your loved one's eyes looking back at you in your moment of fear. 

These were the moments "fake it till you make it" were necessary, just to avoid that look. To avoid the pain it pressed like a sword into the depth of me. It slayed me, reminding me of how crazy I was, shame flooding every part of my soul. And if this loved one who had my back looked at my like this and couldn't understand what I was experiencing, how could anyone else, and how much deeper would their look slash my soul? So, we hide, mask and protect. 

Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries and sent me rescue and all the while, I prayed for my husband to have compassion and understanding. He was one of my first subscribers to the blog, learning more about my experience than I was able to verbalize. Also, we had 4 kids running around the house and it wasn't something we just called out and spoke about. I wanted to continue on as normal and stable, conquering and hopeful, calm and collected as a true perfectionist and encourager personality. 

Over time, through healing helps of Christian counseling, natural remedies of essential oils and vitamins, Scripture memory work and meditation, a deep and purposeful prayer life, worshiping without wondering, letting go of perfectionism, accountability of a few trustworthy Sisters in Christ, re-prioritizing my life and schedule, addressing how I was (not) taking care of my body, mind and spirit. All these combined together for the help and healing, overcoming and conquering I experienced against fear. To God be all the power, and glory!

Recently, several loved ones have approached me about my journey, asking for help in dealing with their loved one suffering in anguish. With all my writings focused on the anguished person, I thought I would write to the loved one because I know as many who suffer with panic and anxiety attacks, there are that many more loved ones trying to understand them and help them. 

Lord knows you need the same help, love, hope and encouragement as you deal with the heartache and confusion in dealing with your loved one's current battle. So, in the next blog, I will share with you a few simple helps from my own personal experience in hopes to encourage each person touched by these attacks in compassion and hope.

Meanwhile, meditate and believe on Jeremiah 29:11-13, 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

To God be all our glory, help, hope and praise, amen.

Click Here for When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

Resurrected Life

Praising His Breath in Honduras 2010 

"Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery"

Revelation. One of my favorite songs of worship. Our church sang it's anthem of praise this morning in worship. It wasn't until 2008-2009 I understood what "awestruck wonder" meant and what it felt like. 

I mean, my husband and I welcomed four beautiful bundles fresh from Heaven and they each took our breath away, first from the physical pain (totally) and then from the awed wonder of looking upon these fresh souls from Heaven.

But there's another wonder that touches the deepest part of my soul, a marvelous "awestruck wonder" only Heaven Himself could be. "At the mention of Your Name Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water. Such a marvelous mystery!!" The Name of Jesus...the gasp of my soul.

When the panic attacks flooded my body beginning in December 2008, they literally took away my breath. Sharp pains flashed through my chest and left arm, my depressed lungs held captive by the pain, my heart creating it's own tempo. My world closed in while thoughts spun around at the outer edge of my conscience. The deepest part of me was raging, attempting to process this sudden crisis, looking for the way out. 

As the wave of panic and adrenaline would begin to swell up from my mid-stomach like the contraction of a laboring new Mother, rising into my lungs, suffocating my breath, heart fluttering in terror, my body became paralyzed from movement. I spun but the world was too.

Lifting my right hand over my heart, I calmly yet desperately inhaled a deep breath, and patted firmly on my chest, speaking words of worship in the weakest of voice, proclaiming to My God and my enemy Who and Where my Help was coming from, Who I trusted to save me and give me my breath of life back. Often the only words I could utter were "Be still my soul, be still." These lyrics come from a beautiful song Kari Jobe recorded. You can listen to it (click here.) 

With a spirit that grew into worshipful surrender, I learned to breath through the random, painful contractions of my body and mind, leaning into The One Who sustained every exhale of my shallow breaths. 

This may be the very season the Lord removed from me the desire for alcohol (calling me into a commitment of abstinence in 1994) so many years ago, for this season may have been a time to escape with it. Instead, I had my Jesus and beautiful oils to aid my mind and heart, and prayer. 

He held me one breath at a time as I surrendered in worship, trust and patience. Having been through four childbirths, I understood the importance of relaxing and breathing through these pain-filled, overwhelming minutes, seeming to have no end or repreave, until it simply did. 

I would sit there, wiping away the secret tears caught in the hands of my Savior, quietly regrouping myself there on the couch, in the car, at the store, at a friends house, even at church on a pew, only sometimes to encounter another soon after. The exhaustion was intense and sudden, as if a burst of energy had me running down the street yet I was seated. 

They were random and unpredictable, and private. I excused myself to escape embarrassment or shame, mostly the attention of something being wrong. I barely handled the truth of my situation, how could I have possibly exposed this fear to another only to have no words to explain it and no real way for them to stop it for me?! 

Confusion and pride helped me escape attention. I got busy and had a bigger smile each time. If I was pacing, I was panicking. But to anyone watching, I was a good helper and great cleaner!! All my mind could think was "This is the end of you and your encouragement ministry, children's and women's ministry. You're done." 

Panic turned to depression each day the attacks rolled through. I not only had to process losing my circumstantial control and identity, but my hopeful one day ministry. I grieved daily. The more I fought against it, the more the anxiety and sadness consumed my soul.

2008

As a Mother soothes her scared or hurting crying baby, gently but firmly patting them on their back, I sought and found the same rescue of my Abba Father over me as my heart and soul cried out for a deep need of rescue. 

Most often in trembling breath, the whisper of His Name, Jesus, was all I could utter. His Name was a soothing balm over my deepest, freshest wound.

My Help and Rescue, my resurrected soul redeemed by Awestruck Wonder and Grace breathed in and out. 

How beautiful and powerful the mention of His Name, Jesus, who is Power, Breath and Living Water, such a marvelous Mystery. 

Awestruck Wonder believed upon, hoped for and trusted. The more I surrendered into His hold, the less I fretted and feared. I had to trust Him to be Who He said He was. He was and is faithful. 

Thankfully, the Lord knew I what I needed even though I didn't want it, I needed His tangible touch. He had already given me a wonderful family even though they were grieving for me too. God sent me trustworthy Sisters in Christ who committed to pray over me, being my strength and focus when I had none. Sometimes the physical strength of those hugs compressed my chest enough to diffuse my trembling heart. 

He synced me with Love poured out and embraced. 

 
This is how Where Faith Is was born. I was terrified of the fear of judgement from others, yet I knew the Lord has asked me to let this be my missional ministry, to care more about not displaying the Glory of The Cross than my own glory/reputation being destroyed. 

I didn't even have words capable, but the Lord, one typed out keyword at a time, one post at a time, one blog at a time, poured out through the screen. Women began reaching out to me secretly sharing they were experiencing the same thing and were so scared. 

One by one the ministry of encouragement took root and spread. The once Professional Mask Wearing Overthinking Fearful Perfectionist who was afraid to disappoint her Savior, learned how to peel it off one thin layer at a time, to the glory of God alone. First through the screen and now whenever I have the opportunity to share, I will. 

Honestly, it's not always easy, it's a thorn in my flesh the enemy tries to press in and make me twinge but I immediately praise the Lord of Wonder there is no sting in death and remind him Who has me.

God is my All in All and He can be yours too, if you believe. Because of the Cross, because of the Grave, because He rose again on the 3rd day, you have Victory in Jesus' Name! Praise the Lord!!
Here on Resurrection Week, I am reminded of the even greater pain endured by my Sweet Savior. His suffering on all of our behalves, Why would He? How could He? Love is the answer. I am awestruck at the Grace Breath of God Who takes away the sins of the world, redeems and heals, restores and refreshes, oh Mighty is He!

 
Resurrection Week, for me, not only celebrates the awestruck wonder that God resurrected my soul from the grave, first with my Salvation, but once again in April 2009, gifting me Life every single day when I thought there was none left in me, but cherishes, adores, worships the very One Who gave His everything, blood poured out, setting straight the narrow path to Peace and Everlasting Life, here and forever more, once and for all. He is Lord. He is Father. He is King. He is mine!! And I am His! This is the mission fuel for living life and doing ministry in His name. Jesus, Faithful Friend and Father. Amen.

My LIFE BREATH Today

Friend, no matter what you are facing today, even when there are no words falling off your lips, or thoughts to utter, may you find the strength to call upon the Name of Jesus and not be overcome by fear and shame, but rather overwhelmed in awestruck wonder at the mention of His Powerful and Mighty Name...Jesus. 

Open your hands and heart to His Healing grace and believe He is with you. He will calm your raging seas. Trust He holds your every moment. Be patient and embrace the awestruck wonder of His Mighty Name. He very much is your Breath and your Refuge in the storms and valleys and in the deepest pits. Rest in His care and inhale the wonder and majesty of Healing Grace. You are not alone. Nothing is impossible for Him. Be still and be held. 

The joy of the Lord will be your strength. In the Name of Jesus we praise in Word and worshiping song and dance, amen and amen.

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" Psalm 61:1-4 ESV

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:1-8, 17-19 ESV

Light in the darkness

Sometimes it takes more than a deep breath to ease ourselves in the midst of a panic moment. Those moments when you feel your world tremble, the rug being yanked out beneath you, the stab of betrayal, the punch of loss, pain of illness, the closing in of fear, worry and anxiety, and the unknowns. Mounted ontop of an already scary and evil world we live in. This is still one nation Under God, for the sheer fact He is above us. But we certainly do seem to live or build our country this way. Then again, evil has always been at work and God has always been on the Throne, so some things haven't changed except the date and the route.
I have suffered with anxiety and panic since I was a young girl, terrified of the boogie man and harm coming to me from someone in my community. My parents were involved with Crime Prevention so these were real concerns to a little girl. I heard about all the "stuff" going on in my community and it was frightening. Even in school, I was afraid of being an innocent by-stander getting caught in the midst of evil. These awareness and lack of confidence for a shy and insecure girl often shook my world in tangible ways. My body turned cold, shivering head to toe. 
As I grew older, the fearful attacks grew less and yet I have always lived a life "looking over my shoulder" and always wondering "what if....!" In 2008 when I walked into the darkness of panic and anxiety attacks, my world earthquaked and knocked me off my feet where I fell flat on my face, thankfully right at the feet of Christ my Savior. It was an intense, frightening journey but in the midst of this fire, God refined me. My heart, mind, soul and spirit we reshaped. He showed me how to have Light in the midst of darkness. Of course, being a Google-Everything kind of person, I had immediately begun researching "panic attacks" to learn what to do to stop them. There are so many books and techniques, I studied day and night looking for answers. I made a list that quickly ran dry as I crossed off what didn't work for me. 
Well meaning friends would simply say Just pray or Give it to God, only it wasn't and isn't that simple. There had never been a time I cried and believed as desperately as I was in those moments. This is why I blog my journey. Unless you've been through it, others can't fully understand what it is like or what it takes to get through it breath by breath and moment by moment. This is true of any situation of loss, illness, pain any of us face. Our solution is the same no matter what ails us. Our solution is our Savior!
So, how do you conquer feeling overwhelmed, scared, panicked, worrisome, constantly fearing the next attack, wondering what you had done wrong, wondering what you were missing in your walk with the Lord, wondering why God had allowed this, wondering why it wasn't stopping after every desperate pleaing prayer. How do you comprehend another day living like this. 
It was here in this darkness I learned the Light of Grace, the Light of Hope, the Light of Praise, the Light of Love. All these years I begged and prayed, cried and feared. Finally, Light. "Your Word is lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105" Our only hope is God. Our only rescue is the Blood of Christ. Our only strength is the Holy Spirit within the Believer, leading us towards the Prince of Peace, the Great I Am, our Redeemer, our King. 
If you or a loved one are suffering attacks of any kind in your life and you feel closed in by darkness, may I have the privilege to share with you a few the practical things I did that allowed Light in.... 
~Know you are greatly and dearly loved by God, even if you don't feel loved, you must accept the truth that you are by The God of this universe. Love conquers.
Read Romans 8.
~Saturate yourself in The Word and meditate on Truth, opposing all lies of the evil one. I admit that my first GoTo was Google, not God. It was Tips vs Transformation. I wanted transformation. 
Read Psalm 119.
~Write out Scriptures to keep with you in your pocket or purse. I made laminated Scripture cards for my keychain so I had quick access and could hold them in my hand when I prayed in those moments pulling out the Big Study Bible wasn't practical.
Read Deuteronomy 6.  
~Breath deep. Inhale Grace as you exhale fear, worry, pain, insecurity. You can feel it leaving you, especially when you are allowing it to be a Grace Breath. It will settle your body physically, emotionally and spiritually. 
Read 2 Corinthians 12. 
~Seek Intercessors to pray with and for you. While we are all instructed to pray, God has placed a special call on some Believers to be Prayer Warriors. These people stand tall, strong and firm against the realm we often forget about. They are girded up and ready to fight. Humble yourself and ask them to fight for you. Ask them to lay hands on you and pray over you. Ask them to remember you in prayer. Meanwhile, pray for them to remain faithful and strong as they fight on your behalf. They are putting themselves in the line of direct fire so they certainly need your cover too. 
~Praise everywhere, at all times. Peace is ushered in by praise. Rest in worship. Let it be part of your new nature to seek Him first, above the worry, through the stabbing pain. Inahle Grace and praise Him for never leaving you or forsaking you and loving you like no one else possibly can. Count your blessings and receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl, but to worship from a desperate and hoping and trusting heart is beyond mere pleasantries. 
Read Philippians 4.
~Seek help from Christian counselors. Sometimes we need more than we can give ourselves. Do what you need to do to be led by someone who knows your struggle. You are not alone in your struggle.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I pray these words of mine encourage you to seek The real Words that heal and transform, to the Light of Grace and Love that saves you. Stay strong!!!! 

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Honduras, 2009

I'm NOT "normal." Living with Hope and not Fear. That's MY normal.

Panic attacks involve sudden feelings of terror that strike without warning. These episodes can occur at any time, even during sleep. A person experiencing a panic attack may believe that he or she is having a heart attack or that death is imminent. The fear and terror that a person experiences during a panic attack are not in proportion to the true situation and may be unrelated to what is happening around them. Most people with panic attacks experience several of the following symptoms:

• "Racing" heart
• Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy
• Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers
• Sense of terror, or impending doom or death
• Feeling sweaty or having chills
• Chest pains
• Breathing difficulties
• Feeling a loss of control

Panic attacks are generally brief, lasting less than 10 minutes, although some of the symptoms may persist for a longer time. People who have had one panic attack are at greater risk for having subsequent panic attacks than those who have never experienced a panic attack. When the attacks occur repeatedly, a person is considered to have a condition known as panic disorder.

People with panic disorder may be extremely anxious and fearful, since they are unable to predict when the next episode will occur. Panic disorder is fairly common and affects about 2.4 million people in the U.S., or 1.7% of the adult population between the ages of 18 and 54. Women are twice as likely as men to develop the condition, and its symptoms usually begin in early adulthood.

What Is the Outlook for People With Panic Disorder?

Panic disorder can be successfully treated, and sufferers can go on to lead full and satisfying lives. With appropriate treatment, nearly 90% of people with panic disorder can find relief. Unfortunately, many people with panic disorder do not seek treatment. Without treatment, panic disorder can have serious consequences and can severely impair quality of life. Complications of untreated panic disorder include.

• Avoidance. A person may discontinue any activities that seem to trigger a panic attack. This can make a normal work and home life nearly impossible.
• Anticipatory anxiety. This refers to anxiety that is triggered merely by thinking about the possibility of having an anxiety attack.
• Agoraphobia. This is the fear of being in places or situations in which an attack may occur, or from which escape would be difficult or highly embarrassing. This fear can drive people to avoid public places and crowds, and may even progress to the point that the person will not leave his or her home. About one-third of people with panic disorder develop agoraphobia.
• Claustrophobia. The person fears enclosed spaces. 

(The above information was taken from WebMD)

This is the part of me that most people don't know. Hi. My Name is Michele and I used to be The What If Queen, living under the bondage of fear. Today, I live in the freedom of Christ's healing grace. I am known as the shy, peace-maker girl, so I can understand why most people would not or don't understand how I struggled with a life of fear which ultimately led to increasing panic and anxiety attacks. 
God allowed this terrifying season in my life to refine me in the pit. With the intercession prayers and strength of others, counseling and the hard desperate seeking of my own, I found my heart...a heart that beats for God alone. The pit was my journey up! 
This is why I started blogging and writing. It is a documented journey and testimony of the faithfulness of a loving Lord and Father that I pray, pray, pray God would be honored and glorified through. As He presses into my heart, it is my hope to be an instrument of hope, joy, faith, of transparency through these writings. In all I do, think and say, to God be all the glory!

For those of you that struggle with "something," be it panic, anxiety or ptsd from emotional trauma, can I just encourage you for a minute? I get it. I actually prayed the doctors would find something "real" to blame for my struggle. While I was diagnosed with mild SVT, this was a journey with the Lord He allowed to reveal His heart to me by refining mine physically, emotionally and spiritually in The Fire. Compared to a physical trauma, the emotional traumas are so easily "hidden." I have had every single one of those symptoms and outlooks cited from WebMD. It is hard. It is scarey. It does hurt deep. It is embarrassing. But God...He is our strength and order in the chaos. His breath becomes ours. 
You need to know that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK and ESPECIALLY FEEL!!! It has been said to me, "You just need to trust God more" and "You just have to have more faith." "Remember God will give you all you need" and "It's really not that big of a deal, just do it (whatever "it" is." "You're overreacting." "Everyone can do it what's the big deal?!"
While these things can all be true to a degree, they are not absolutes to the truth. People don't see is the triple amount of prayer and preparations I put into situations and thoughts throughout my day that keep me centered in my spirit, heart and mind. I am healed and yet at the same time, have complete dependance on the work of Christ in and through my life, as well as physical and emotional boundaries that help me manage myself. It's not just the mind that needs to have self control, it's also the physical body. This season also taught me the importance of healthy eating and exercise, and the importance of fellowshiping with like-minded people who love you with the Love of Christ. Laughter is so good for our souls!! 

I am someone who trusts God with all my heart and mind and soul. I believe God is who He says He is and will do all He has said He will and can do. At the same time, I am not going to stop wearing my seatbelt, or jump out of a plane knowing God will catch me, or shall I stand under a boulder and think with God's strength I can catch it. There are limits that rule reason and faith that helps navigate what is truth and wisdom and that which is not! Thankfully, God has healed me from the bondage of panic attacks/disorder, and to a watching world, they think I am perfectly "normal." I have no problem telling you I am perfectly imperfect, and if we all admit we are, well, then we'd all be normal, right?!?

We so easily excuse people with obvious physical ailments and somehow are able to reconcile their "avoidances" but with someone like me who it's "in their head" they just need to "have more faith." There is sooooo much more involved than "nervous thoughts." A "normal" person cannot understand anymore than someone can understand the loss of a child who hasn't themselves experienced such a devastation. And yet we judge according to our own realities and expectations. 
I have longed for many years to be the outgoing, bold, confident, try anything, go-getter kind of girl, but it's not me. Part of this journey has been about me meeting...me. Getting to know the woman God created me to be even if at times I don't like being her, I know there is a plan and purpose for the mess that I am, and the good news...God ain't done with me yet! I have learned to accept (for the most part, even though there are god days and bad), the person He created me to be. God, help us see each other through Your eyes of love and hope."All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all have issues, seen and unseen. As I pray for transparency and courage to share my heart and testimony with you through the instrument of this blog, I do not want this to be as much about me as I want this to be more as an encouragement from me...despite me.

Healing takes time physically and emotionally. Going through this very difficult season has blessed me in the greatest way. Desperation caused me to fall into the pit of God's grace. Collapsing into the arms of my God, His breath has warmed me. His arms became my safe resting place. There is no peace like Him. I am so thankful for His very great Love and His tender mercy and compassion. He is patient , steadfast and faithful. 
Yes, there are days my thorn wiggles and I feel the tinge of pain...heart palpitations, the intestinal upsets, the flush and faint feelings, the fatigue physically and emotionally, all the while confident in the strength of my weakness, being strong in the Lord, with a faith that says mountains can move!!! I am continually healing in Him.I thank God even still for the reminder to remain close to Him, trusting and depending on His control and grace. , the palpitations, the intestinal upsets, the flush and faint feelings, the fatigue physically and emotionally, alle while being strong in the Lord, with a faith that says mountains can move!!! I am continually healing in Him.

I refuse to listen to the lies of Satan that says, "You are so weak." "You are worthless." "You are incapable of doing anything great." "You cannot represent God well with someone who has "mental" issues." "You are faithless and a coward." "If people only knew..."

Friend, let me tell you....GREATER is HE that is in you than he who is in the world! You ARE more than a conqueror!!! You HAVE been fearfully and wonderfully made! God goes BEFORE you and God will NEVER fail you!! All you need is hope, faith and love in The One True God. And...I might add...others! You cannot battle this alone. Back in the pit to those who walk with me now, they are instruments of continued grace, love , support and encouragement! 
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:35, 37 (ESV)
Friend, be patient with yourself, God is patient with you. He sees your heart! God knows your heart and not matter what other think or say, let there be NO condemnation in Christ. He will heal your broken pieces and gather you unto Him. You may become weary in the fight, and desperately thirsty in the dry wilderness but God never grows weary and is an endless stream of Living Water! Stand firm! It is in your weakness that He is your strength. He will be your refuge to where you can "run." When the walls around you and darkness closes in, remember that you are not crushed or forsaken. God is doing a work in you and will not give up on you! 

Now, some truth in love...if you are avoiding, hiding out, afraid or choosing to be in "that pit," you must admit to yourself that you are in a pit, dig deep into the depth of your heart and spirit and move into the presence of the Lord where He will scoop you up in His shield. He will be your rescue but you must first acknowledge the darkness and move towards His healing Light. His blood shed over you is already your victory, It's time to start living in it again!! 
One step at a time, one day at a time, step out in faith. Do not get discouraged when others think you are 'silly" or "ridiculous." Trust in the Lord to know and guard your heart. You must not continue to sit and crater under the weight of shame and fear. You are worth dying for and it is not His plan for your spirit to live dying inside. God is LIFE and He wants you to have it abundantly, complete with joy!!! You will have Joy again!!! By faith, will you face today and tomorrow with confidence that you are not alone?
  

Thank You Lord God, my Abba Father for knowing me unlike any other. When I feel lowly, you remind me how special I am. When I feel afraid, You are there to hold me near at perfect peace. When I feel like I have lost my mind, You remind me of the paths that lead me to You with Philippians 4:8 thinkings. Sudden moments of terror that flood my soul, You walk on the water, holding my hand to the shore. God, I dare not test you nor be foolish nor do I want to limit You so I am praying once again for the faith to continue walking in faithfulness to You, knowing wherever You are, there will be my peace. Thank You for Your Light that shines on my path from darkness. There is none like You and I am nothing apart from You. Thank You Lord for Your strength in my weakness. I am asking that You will reveal Yourself in a mighty way to me and my brothers and sisters in Your name who are feeling defeated and purposeless. Will You strengthen them? Will You draw them so close to You they too can feel the warmth of Your very breath over there face? May the comfort of Your arms and the tender love of Your heart be tangible to them today. Thank You Lord for Your grace. Thank You Lord for the victory that is ours because of Your Son Christ Jesus. Thank You Lord for the mustard seed!! I want to be the sum of a vineyard full! Rooted, nourished and protected in the name of Jesus, I am YOURS forever, I love You Lord!!! amen!! 

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; " 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:1-4

Ya think ya know it all, until....

I was talking with a dear friend today and the comment was made, "You think you know it all until you have to take a test. Testing proves what ya really know." God brought it back to mind this evening and He "tested" my thoughts.
A "test." It stirs up anticipation and even more anxiety just at the mention of this little 4 letter word. And yet, testing is a part of life. Before you buy a car from a dealer, you want to "test drive" it before you place your most valuable treasures within it's carriage. Teachers want to "test" their students to find out whether the knowledge given was actually learned. Customers want to "taste test" foods so they can find out if they want more of a product. We "test" our children to see if they are ready for the next step in trust or responsibility.
And yet, when we read verses like Exodus 16:4, "Then the LORD said to Moses, "Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not." and 1 Peter 4:12, "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." , we panic. It's one thing to be the one giving the test and a whole other thing to be the one given a test. I don't know about you but I am certainly more anxious than I am anticipating in the face of a test. I imagine most people get nervous about taking a test...having to prove oneself...what if I fail? What if I am wrong? Will they think I am stupid or ignorant? What if I am not as great as I think I am? And then when God says He will test us, there's a Holy-fear-humbling kind of panic...what if I fail...will it ever end...what if I am not as strong as I think I am....what if others see my lack of...will God give up on me...should I quit?
James 1: 2-3 says "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." We want steadfastness but honestly, we want it given not earned by way of trial and yet God says that it is in the "testing of your faith" that you acquire steadfastness. Jesus understands the plea of "if there's any other way, please Lord." Our Sovereign Lord hears our pleas and know what we need. As a Parent to His Child and a Teacher to His Student, He will teach us then test us to see if we have actually learned from the knowledge given and are ready for the next step. 
Testing is not easy and it in fact can be very painful, pushing us to what feels like the end of oneself. One thing for sure, it reveals our limits, what we know and what we can handle. It's always a humbling reminder of how much we need the mercy and grace of our loving God. Without Him, I would certainly see my limit and give up. December 2008 was that very difficult season of testing for me and thanks to the precious people God brought into my life, they cheered me on in my faith, to the completion of that long and difficult test. It was a exhausting trial and without their steadfastness to stand with me, I would have certainly given up.
Sure, I have "meet trials of various kinds" since then. Some are small, quick tests while others are exhausting and seem never-ending. And yet, to every season of growth, there are beginnings and ends. They come as refining fires in every single area of our life. Our spirit's health is not separate from our relational or physical life. The Spirit living within me is a constant presence and guide therefore it affects all of me-my heart, mind, soul and body. It is up to me to prove that to be true as I believe, trust, surrender and devote my life to Him. (Thank you Pastor Nathan for this reminder Sunday.)
Sanctification tells us it's a never-ending process of one refining fiery test to the next. Steadfastness of faith will one day usher us to the Gates of Glory with Hallelujiah hands lifted high to our Teacher, Abba Father and Lord where we will be great in anticipation and void of anxiety.
So, next time you face a test, before you panic, won't you "consider it a joy, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness" and remember that "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12 Embrace the opportunity to grow in your faith next time you face a trial and do not panic! Believe, Trust, Surrender, Devote yourself to remaining steadfast, standing at the Cross of Victory!!!
And by the way, if you have completed a recent test, won't you ask God to give you the opportunity to help another who is about to go through theirs. Don't you know they could use the encouragement. Stand by them faithfully and don't let them quit!!! Remind them of who God is and who they are in Him and this opportunity to grow in faith. 
A good Teacher cares enough to test His Students.
A good Father blesses His obedient Child. 
Are you learning? Are you trusting? Are you surrendering? Are you devoted?
Be strong. Be faithful. Be Blessed.

Father God, "Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have walked in my integrity, and I have trusted in the LORD without wavering. Prove me, O LORD, and try me; test my heart and my mind." Psalm 26:1-2 Till The Day of Completion, Amen.