Crowbar of Grace : Feeling Lonely When You are Surrounded by People in Life

It was a perfect evening for a Jeep-Hair-Don't-Care Jeep drive. The winds were cooler, the sunset emulated a fire in the sky providing a Hollywood-worthy backdrop for a drive. I took the soft top and doors off and headed out. There's nothing like it! To feel the wind in your hair, and not care how messy it gets, to feel a sense of extra freedom and fun.

This evening though I felt a special sense of awareness, being pulled in my spirit to really being in the moment. I admit it's been a busy few months of intense focus and work. I have hardly slowed down accomplishing more of the To Do List than Ought to Do List. 

Driving through town, the sky was glowing, lights illuminated driveways and businesses, my hair was swishing around in the wind. No, no music playing. Our old jeep doesn't have working a/c, heat or radio. It truly is a basic ride without expectations. I took in a deep breath reaching my arm out the side of the jeep in a moment of worship of thanksgiving, feeling especially free and kept by my Savior. I felt His nearness. I knew He was riding with me. My soul was at joyful rest in my hot mess. 

And then I smelt it. A full aroma of yummy deliciousness flooded my air. Mmmm...I had come into the local restaurant area and the aroma filled my senses. I hadn't been hungry but now I found myself starving. My spirit spoke in that moment, "Girl, how wonderful to taste and see the Lord is good." In that moment, every sense was heightened, the sense of sight, smell, feeling. Yes. Oh the beautiful freedom of tasting and seeing, and knowing The Lord our God is so good. He is a delight, even better than chocolate and my favorite lattes. My God quenches every thirst and feeds my soul like nothing else can. The bestest of friends, the yummiest of foods, the greatest of incomes cannot compare to the richness of our Lord's glory and presence alone. 

It was a perfect evening for a no doors on Jeep ride, smelling local flavors and the salty air. Pulling over to a sunset gazing spot, I sat still in reflection, realizing how often I have quenched the Holy Spirit in my life with "closed doors." 

If I had been in my Mom car, the Burb, windows and doors closed up, I wouldn't have experienced all that open air goodness. You know how God takes these everyday moments and peels back a layer of our heart to speak some truth into it? This was one of those moments.

Insecurity, inadequacy, fear of failure and judgement, lack of self confidence keeps our doors under lock and key. We can live life surrounded by people yet still feel lonely. 

Each betrayal, each failure, each regret and disappointment was another click of the Lock Doors button. It's always been easier to polish the outside of the car and keep it locked up without fear of the unknowns letting others in. Isolation becomes your safety zone, yet it’s a danger zone. 

Friend, the enemy is always at work to isolate us. When we are hidden and disconnected, our fire simmers and we become lukewarm and less salty.

But God, He didn’t create us for isolation. He came to set the captives free, not to shut us in behind closed doors. Jesus came to seek and save us from the shackles of death and desolation. He opens closed doors with the crowbar of grace, mercy and love. 

Ultimately, His Love unlocks our doors and Grace is the gatekeeper. The Lord who opens the floodgates of glory divine, revealing to us how He is doing a new thing and He can't wait to show us. If we would just trust Him to open our doors.

God places crowbars of grace in our lives to help us get out from behind those doors. He not only sent the Holy Spirit as our Helper, but He places in our lives, friends with keys, faith and hope that can open locked doors that lead us towards Him. 

Always keeping it real, I am still a guarded girl, trust and healing takes time and comes with learning healthy boundaries. I choose who, when and where because I ask God to lead the way and open those doors for me. You can too! It’s time to pray for God’s help to open those doors and enjoy the beauty of Salty Air with your Sisters & Savior!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;" 

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 17-18  

 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:2-6

With hopes of empowering others in these rooms, I do my best to be transparent and honest, but I admit, I am guarded, however, I know it is He Who is a shield about me. My hope, my fears all rest in His care. Our flesh and our enemy will never stop showing us open doors for us to hide behind, in hopes that one day we won't be paying attention and walk in and sit for a while. Even on those days you do, there's always a crowbar of grace and it will be up to you to know where it is and how to use it.

Friend, do you need a crowbar of Grace today to get out from behind those doors? Let Him open them, He is trustworthy. You don't have to fear the other side of that door. I know it looks scary but you can trust Him. The winds and waves know His name. He sculpted out every path you will walk on and will walk with you. Step out from behind those suffocating doors. You are not safe there. Let go of that self control and open your soul's arms wide and honestly proclaim it is well with your soul even when it hurts, His breath sustains yours. He will take you for the ride of a lifetime. He is trustworthy and will be the most powerfully consuming delight you will ever know.

Enjoy the Messy-Hair-Don't-Care of Christ's reckless love. Surrender to the moments He gives you and embrace the good and perfect gifts He has for you in every season. Strength is in His Name. Freedom is found knowing He is by your side and His heart is for you, not against you. How He must delight in the sweet aroma of our return of worship as our souls pour out praise and see the proof of a life free from isolation.  

 
Open the door, take the ride, stretch your arms wide and show the enemy where your faith is, then Taste and See that the Lord our God is good! 

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

Resurrected Life

Praising His Breath in Honduras 2010 

"Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery"

Revelation. One of my favorite songs of worship. Our church sang it's anthem of praise this morning in worship. It wasn't until 2008-2009 I understood what "awestruck wonder" meant and what it felt like. 

I mean, my husband and I welcomed four beautiful bundles fresh from Heaven and they each took our breath away, first from the physical pain (totally) and then from the awed wonder of looking upon these fresh souls from Heaven.

But there's another wonder that touches the deepest part of my soul, a marvelous "awestruck wonder" only Heaven Himself could be. "At the mention of Your Name Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water. Such a marvelous mystery!!" The Name of Jesus...the gasp of my soul.

When the panic attacks flooded my body beginning in December 2008, they literally took away my breath. Sharp pains flashed through my chest and left arm, my depressed lungs held captive by the pain, my heart creating it's own tempo. My world closed in while thoughts spun around at the outer edge of my conscience. The deepest part of me was raging, attempting to process this sudden crisis, looking for the way out. 

As the wave of panic and adrenaline would begin to swell up from my mid-stomach like the contraction of a laboring new Mother, rising into my lungs, suffocating my breath, heart fluttering in terror, my body became paralyzed from movement. I spun but the world was too.

Lifting my right hand over my heart, I calmly yet desperately inhaled a deep breath, and patted firmly on my chest, speaking words of worship in the weakest of voice, proclaiming to My God and my enemy Who and Where my Help was coming from, Who I trusted to save me and give me my breath of life back. Often the only words I could utter were "Be still my soul, be still." These lyrics come from a beautiful song Kari Jobe recorded. You can listen to it (click here.) 

With a spirit that grew into worshipful surrender, I learned to breath through the random, painful contractions of my body and mind, leaning into The One Who sustained every exhale of my shallow breaths. 

This may be the very season the Lord removed from me the desire for alcohol (calling me into a commitment of abstinence in 1994) so many years ago, for this season may have been a time to escape with it. Instead, I had my Jesus and beautiful oils to aid my mind and heart, and prayer. 

He held me one breath at a time as I surrendered in worship, trust and patience. Having been through four childbirths, I understood the importance of relaxing and breathing through these pain-filled, overwhelming minutes, seeming to have no end or repreave, until it simply did. 

I would sit there, wiping away the secret tears caught in the hands of my Savior, quietly regrouping myself there on the couch, in the car, at the store, at a friends house, even at church on a pew, only sometimes to encounter another soon after. The exhaustion was intense and sudden, as if a burst of energy had me running down the street yet I was seated. 

They were random and unpredictable, and private. I excused myself to escape embarrassment or shame, mostly the attention of something being wrong. I barely handled the truth of my situation, how could I have possibly exposed this fear to another only to have no words to explain it and no real way for them to stop it for me?! 

Confusion and pride helped me escape attention. I got busy and had a bigger smile each time. If I was pacing, I was panicking. But to anyone watching, I was a good helper and great cleaner!! All my mind could think was "This is the end of you and your encouragement ministry, children's and women's ministry. You're done." 

Panic turned to depression each day the attacks rolled through. I not only had to process losing my circumstantial control and identity, but my hopeful one day ministry. I grieved daily. The more I fought against it, the more the anxiety and sadness consumed my soul.

2008

As a Mother soothes her scared or hurting crying baby, gently but firmly patting them on their back, I sought and found the same rescue of my Abba Father over me as my heart and soul cried out for a deep need of rescue. 

Most often in trembling breath, the whisper of His Name, Jesus, was all I could utter. His Name was a soothing balm over my deepest, freshest wound.

My Help and Rescue, my resurrected soul redeemed by Awestruck Wonder and Grace breathed in and out. 

How beautiful and powerful the mention of His Name, Jesus, who is Power, Breath and Living Water, such a marvelous Mystery. 

Awestruck Wonder believed upon, hoped for and trusted. The more I surrendered into His hold, the less I fretted and feared. I had to trust Him to be Who He said He was. He was and is faithful. 

Thankfully, the Lord knew I what I needed even though I didn't want it, I needed His tangible touch. He had already given me a wonderful family even though they were grieving for me too. God sent me trustworthy Sisters in Christ who committed to pray over me, being my strength and focus when I had none. Sometimes the physical strength of those hugs compressed my chest enough to diffuse my trembling heart. 

He synced me with Love poured out and embraced. 

 
This is how Where Faith Is was born. I was terrified of the fear of judgement from others, yet I knew the Lord has asked me to let this be my missional ministry, to care more about not displaying the Glory of The Cross than my own glory/reputation being destroyed. 

I didn't even have words capable, but the Lord, one typed out keyword at a time, one post at a time, one blog at a time, poured out through the screen. Women began reaching out to me secretly sharing they were experiencing the same thing and were so scared. 

One by one the ministry of encouragement took root and spread. The once Professional Mask Wearing Overthinking Fearful Perfectionist who was afraid to disappoint her Savior, learned how to peel it off one thin layer at a time, to the glory of God alone. First through the screen and now whenever I have the opportunity to share, I will. 

Honestly, it's not always easy, it's a thorn in my flesh the enemy tries to press in and make me twinge but I immediately praise the Lord of Wonder there is no sting in death and remind him Who has me.

God is my All in All and He can be yours too, if you believe. Because of the Cross, because of the Grave, because He rose again on the 3rd day, you have Victory in Jesus' Name! Praise the Lord!!
Here on Resurrection Week, I am reminded of the even greater pain endured by my Sweet Savior. His suffering on all of our behalves, Why would He? How could He? Love is the answer. I am awestruck at the Grace Breath of God Who takes away the sins of the world, redeems and heals, restores and refreshes, oh Mighty is He!

 
Resurrection Week, for me, not only celebrates the awestruck wonder that God resurrected my soul from the grave, first with my Salvation, but once again in April 2009, gifting me Life every single day when I thought there was none left in me, but cherishes, adores, worships the very One Who gave His everything, blood poured out, setting straight the narrow path to Peace and Everlasting Life, here and forever more, once and for all. He is Lord. He is Father. He is King. He is mine!! And I am His! This is the mission fuel for living life and doing ministry in His name. Jesus, Faithful Friend and Father. Amen.

My LIFE BREATH Today

Friend, no matter what you are facing today, even when there are no words falling off your lips, or thoughts to utter, may you find the strength to call upon the Name of Jesus and not be overcome by fear and shame, but rather overwhelmed in awestruck wonder at the mention of His Powerful and Mighty Name...Jesus. 

Open your hands and heart to His Healing grace and believe He is with you. He will calm your raging seas. Trust He holds your every moment. Be patient and embrace the awestruck wonder of His Mighty Name. He very much is your Breath and your Refuge in the storms and valleys and in the deepest pits. Rest in His care and inhale the wonder and majesty of Healing Grace. You are not alone. Nothing is impossible for Him. Be still and be held. 

The joy of the Lord will be your strength. In the Name of Jesus we praise in Word and worshiping song and dance, amen and amen.

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" Psalm 61:1-4 ESV

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:1-8, 17-19 ESV

Don't be a dumb bird.

Mr Cardinal came for a visit this morning! He saw the open door and let himself on in. As beautiful as he was, bright red in color, he was not a welcomed guest in our home. What a chore it was to get him out of here. It was very easy for him to come in but it was really hard getting him out. The poor guy was flying circles around my dining room looking for one of the windows to open all the while the same front door he entered upon remained open and in the same place as when he entered! 
He finally caught eye of my upper windows and with all he had, kept trying to get out those closed windows. Could he not see that 3ft below him was the way out. It was right there! Dumb bird!! We knew it and did everything we could...we gave him time to wear out banging his head against the window, we held out poles for him to get on which he did only to jump off repeatedly. 
Finally, we had to corner him and throw a towel on him and literally grab him and carry him out. On his own, he may have just died up there trying it his way, thinking he could get out what appeared an open window. We saved his life. Either he would die of starvation or head injury or my stalking kitty would have enjoyed a feast!

As always, you know there are lessons here. This is what I learned this morning:

1.) It's easy getting in (sin) but it's not as easy getting out.
2.) God is patient giving us the opportunity to explore the choice we've made to go through seemingly open windows.
3.) God is faithful to rescue us. There is a way to freedom. He knows the Way. He IS The Way to life!
4.) There are many windows. Don't panic and continue to be stubborn, banging your head upon each one in hopes it's gonna be right. You are hurting yourself. Stop and look for the open door.
5.) God is grieved watching you hurt yourself. Won't you stop flying circles and trying things your own way and trust Him. He wants you to have life, not death.
6.) God will grab you, not allowing more than you can bear. Sometimes it will be at the end of all you have. That's where He grabs you.
7.) God is good. He sees you and is waiting for you to settle down and trust Him.
8.) Accept help. Sometimes we need help.  

Did you go through a door you shouldn't have? Can't seem to find your way out? Rest assured, there is a way out. God sends rescue in many forms. The fingerprints of God are all around. If you are feverishly flying around banging your head, trying all you can to go the way that seems right, won't you stop and breath. Take a look around you. There is a way out. Trust the help that is being sent to you. Satan, the Deceiver, will put lots of "seems good enough" around you, but I challenge you to not settle but know with clarity The Way to rescue which leads to life! You are only hurting yourself and you will wear out. Be careful if you choose to be stiff-necked for the prowling lion is waiting for you to be weak. Be alert. Be smart. 

Don't be a dumb bird.

Thank you Mr Cardinal for reminding me to be smart!

" Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. 16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:13-17