Crowbar of Grace : Feeling Lonely When You are Surrounded by People in Life

It was a perfect evening for a Jeep-Hair-Don't-Care Jeep drive. The winds were cooler, the sunset emulated a fire in the sky providing a Hollywood-worthy backdrop for a drive. I took the soft top and doors off and headed out. There's nothing like it! To feel the wind in your hair, and not care how messy it gets, to feel a sense of extra freedom and fun.

This evening though I felt a special sense of awareness, being pulled in my spirit to really being in the moment. I admit it's been a busy few months of intense focus and work. I have hardly slowed down accomplishing more of the To Do List than Ought to Do List. 

Driving through town, the sky was glowing, lights illuminated driveways and businesses, my hair was swishing around in the wind. No, no music playing. Our old jeep doesn't have working a/c, heat or radio. It truly is a basic ride without expectations. I took in a deep breath reaching my arm out the side of the jeep in a moment of worship of thanksgiving, feeling especially free and kept by my Savior. I felt His nearness. I knew He was riding with me. My soul was at joyful rest in my hot mess. 

And then I smelt it. A full aroma of yummy deliciousness flooded my air. Mmmm...I had come into the local restaurant area and the aroma filled my senses. I hadn't been hungry but now I found myself starving. My spirit spoke in that moment, "Girl, how wonderful to taste and see the Lord is good." In that moment, every sense was heightened, the sense of sight, smell, feeling. Yes. Oh the beautiful freedom of tasting and seeing, and knowing The Lord our God is so good. He is a delight, even better than chocolate and my favorite lattes. My God quenches every thirst and feeds my soul like nothing else can. The bestest of friends, the yummiest of foods, the greatest of incomes cannot compare to the richness of our Lord's glory and presence alone. 

It was a perfect evening for a no doors on Jeep ride, smelling local flavors and the salty air. Pulling over to a sunset gazing spot, I sat still in reflection, realizing how often I have quenched the Holy Spirit in my life with "closed doors." 

If I had been in my Mom car, the Burb, windows and doors closed up, I wouldn't have experienced all that open air goodness. You know how God takes these everyday moments and peels back a layer of our heart to speak some truth into it? This was one of those moments.

Insecurity, inadequacy, fear of failure and judgement, lack of self confidence keeps our doors under lock and key. We can live life surrounded by people yet still feel lonely. 

Each betrayal, each failure, each regret and disappointment was another click of the Lock Doors button. It's always been easier to polish the outside of the car and keep it locked up without fear of the unknowns letting others in. Isolation becomes your safety zone, yet it’s a danger zone. 

Friend, the enemy is always at work to isolate us. When we are hidden and disconnected, our fire simmers and we become lukewarm and less salty.

But God, He didn’t create us for isolation. He came to set the captives free, not to shut us in behind closed doors. Jesus came to seek and save us from the shackles of death and desolation. He opens closed doors with the crowbar of grace, mercy and love. 

Ultimately, His Love unlocks our doors and Grace is the gatekeeper. The Lord who opens the floodgates of glory divine, revealing to us how He is doing a new thing and He can't wait to show us. If we would just trust Him to open our doors.

God places crowbars of grace in our lives to help us get out from behind those doors. He not only sent the Holy Spirit as our Helper, but He places in our lives, friends with keys, faith and hope that can open locked doors that lead us towards Him. 

Always keeping it real, I am still a guarded girl, trust and healing takes time and comes with learning healthy boundaries. I choose who, when and where because I ask God to lead the way and open those doors for me. You can too! It’s time to pray for God’s help to open those doors and enjoy the beauty of Salty Air with your Sisters & Savior!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;" 

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 17-18  

 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:2-6

With hopes of empowering others in these rooms, I do my best to be transparent and honest, but I admit, I am guarded, however, I know it is He Who is a shield about me. My hope, my fears all rest in His care. Our flesh and our enemy will never stop showing us open doors for us to hide behind, in hopes that one day we won't be paying attention and walk in and sit for a while. Even on those days you do, there's always a crowbar of grace and it will be up to you to know where it is and how to use it.

Friend, do you need a crowbar of Grace today to get out from behind those doors? Let Him open them, He is trustworthy. You don't have to fear the other side of that door. I know it looks scary but you can trust Him. The winds and waves know His name. He sculpted out every path you will walk on and will walk with you. Step out from behind those suffocating doors. You are not safe there. Let go of that self control and open your soul's arms wide and honestly proclaim it is well with your soul even when it hurts, His breath sustains yours. He will take you for the ride of a lifetime. He is trustworthy and will be the most powerfully consuming delight you will ever know.

Enjoy the Messy-Hair-Don't-Care of Christ's reckless love. Surrender to the moments He gives you and embrace the good and perfect gifts He has for you in every season. Strength is in His Name. Freedom is found knowing He is by your side and His heart is for you, not against you. How He must delight in the sweet aroma of our return of worship as our souls pour out praise and see the proof of a life free from isolation.  

 
Open the door, take the ride, stretch your arms wide and show the enemy where your faith is, then Taste and See that the Lord our God is good! 

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

Mountain of Fear to Cracks and Gaps

I look back now and wonder how my life could have been different if I would have walked in the freedom of The Cross, being more confident and courageous, taking risks, one willing to fail and face rejection, not only in life, but within relationships with others and especially the Lord!? Oh the pit owned by Woulda, Coulda, and Shoulda. Thank God for the Great I Am! The God of Today! The God of all the Yesterdays!!! New mercies are ours. New opportunities! New spiritual muscles to climb of Will, Can and Should to climb out of any pit we fall into!!

Over the years, the fear of rejection (from God and others) built a mountain-sized wall, rock by rock, around my heart that allowed my heart to control the flow, pouring outward, not inward. I knew how insecure, anxious, inadequate and unintelligent I was on the inside. I couldn't let anyone know how "empty" I was on the inside. Receiving any sort of recognition or praise, and even help from others felt wrong to me. If they only knew I didn't deserve it. And I wanted to be the one helping. It’s like taking the 1st Place trophy when you clearly came in 4th Place. It wasn’t right. I had a very pure heart with a genuine honesty that I absolutely could not take something that someone else deserved more, especially knowing I did not. So, the walls slowly built. Walls of pride and perfection that said, Here I am whole-heartedly...however, it's a one-way road. Picture a volcano. The stuff comes out but nothing comes in. Constantly flowing outward, nothing comes back up the mountain. It had been established there with rocky façade to make sure no one could climb in. Sure, I wanted love to come in, I am a heart-felt person, but I was afraid. Afraid they would see I didn’t deserve their friendship or gift. Fear they would see I was actually nothing, a nobody. Fear they would betray me. Fear they would make fun of me. Fear became my Protector. It was my constant Security Guard controlling the world around me. No one was permitted beyond a certain point. Satan fed me the lie that to honor God well, I had to reflect God in His perfection, sacrifice self, deny myself. He has been clever at distorting the truths of God since the beginning of time.

I prayed for the opportunity to meet others where they were and encourage them, however, no one was allowed to join me where I was. I remember when my parents announced they were getting a divorce the summer of my Sophomore year in high school, and I zipped up my upper lip, got in my car, and got busy. I stayed busy with school work and dance team. I could be found at the church every second the door was open, playing volleyball or cleaning, helping others do whatever they needed, all to keep busy. I was most certainly devastated but I didn't show it. After time, I didn't see it anymore. It was buried in lava. I remained strong and available for everyone else, and for me. They would know how strong I was if I kept smiling and it would then prove my emotional and spiritual maturity. And, I could appear "just fine" to be there to encourage them in their time of need. Oh how backwards I was!!!

 Even as I have this conversation with you, I am praying God strengthens me to be transparent in my heart's thoughts, feelings and attitudes. As heart-driven of a person I am, I still struggle with fear, even though it is to a much lesser degree than in years past. Praise The Lord!! While I am shy by nature, fear is a thorn in my side, a scar on my soul, a pit in a tiny corner of my heart. It's a wound only the pure Grace of God can heal. Walls have been built and set for many, many years. They were built high and wide to protect and block pain from entering in. I felt protected, safe and self-sufficient behind my walls. They were thick. This may not have been the healthiest way for me to avoid pain but it was the easiest.

Everyone else seemed to be bold and courageous, strong and beautiful. It just wasn’t me. I had settled into the shy girl role and was fine right there. Eventually, I also settled into the ditzy-blonde girl role given to me, accepting all the dumb blonde jokes and their implications. In the 90’s it was not easy being blonde. You either had to bounce around bubbly-dumb or spend a lot of time and energy proving people wrong which is what I attempted. Although I will admit, I never was the smartest girl in the room, I still wasn’t dumb! Over the years, I simply asked God, my very Best Friend, to fill my void of intimacy and sustain me. To be clear, God should be our most intimate relationship. He should be the One who fills our heart and spirit. I am referring to when we reject other genuine relationships. 

Surrounded by people all the time, it was such an internally lonely existence and yet all the while I was being fooled by feeling God-honoring, righteous and purposeful, that my feelings didn’t really matter, I was all about ministering to others, others needed love, joy, hope and encouragement. Not me. Besides, I had Jesus as my BFF and that’s all I needed. And, if I wanted Him to stay close to me and not leave me, because then I would really be alone, I needed to do right, act right and be selfless. Jesus is Grace! I thought grace was for everyone else, something you could earn, something you could get, something you deserved. Wrong! Grace is a gift! Jesus is Grace!

God desires us to rely on Him, trusting His judgement over our own, as we live in community with each other. God places specific people in our life to bring us closer to Him, be it us giving into their life or us receiving from them. Not every relationship will look the same and neither will it have the same dynamic as others. We cannot fully know why God brings certain people into our lives but one thing we can know, that He is in control and works all things out for our good and His glory. 

I have some friends who I think it’s a no-brainer we are friends with so much in common and just enough differences that they are a healthy sharpening, “as iron sharpens iron.” Proverbs 27:17. We need each other to grow. Then there are those “uncommon” friends who you wonder what you could possibly have in common and then all you see is God between you! We need each other to grow. Sadly, others hurt us in such a way that we learn harder life lessons, finding joy, peace, comfort and strength through sorrow, betrayal, hurts and loss. We need each other to grow. Every person touches us one way or another. We need each other to grow, and glorify the Father. What a shame to keep all the good ones out just to avoid the few painful ones. And to miss all those blessings and growth?!? We need each other! Remember, His way, His time, His glory! Our faith needs to be in the One who is ruler of this world and the spiritual world. He knows and sees everything! He is the Author of Life, beginning to end! 

Since God's rebuilding of my heart to look and function more like His, I can say that He has been sooo gracious to take down those jagged lava stones one at a time. Evidently I wasn't moving at the pace God wanted me to, so He blessed my boots off with a few Rock Climbing Sisters who relentlessly climbed on over my heavily guarded rocks! The change of Guard finally happened and My Rock replaced My Fear. Till this day, God stands guarding my heart and I know that He will only allow in what He knows to be for my good and His glory. I trust Him.

 Oh, how I wish I would have lived a life of greater trust, faith and obedience before now. And honestly, how I pray I always will. I hope I do. I plan to. I wonder how many times blessings passed me by over the years?! How often that “cool” thing could have been an “awesome” thing? I had become deceived that my feelings didn’t matter. Why did I think that? Why were my needs any less of a concern or importance than any one else’s? I believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough, others had it worse than me, I needed to be strong and prove my faith. With God by my side, surely I ought to be just fine...He is my strength, right? He is my joy, right? Yes, but those are grace enabling attributes because of The Power of The Cross. Not because I was strong or good enough. All God, none of me! 

Ministering seemed to be a way for me to compensate for my inadequacy as I tried to prove my perfection as I helped others be “perfect” and feel loved and valued. They are so precious, imagine what God could do through them if they would just know how valuable and capable they were. When I got honest with myself, I realized it was true. I hid behind all my doings, keeping busy with others, using my gifts of compassion and encouragement, which distracted me from my own issues, plus I thought I was honoring God with my gifts and my heart, "considering others better than myself." 

I guess I knew what inadequacy felt like and I didn’t want others to feel that way too. I knew how cowardly I felt and I wanted others to feel courageous and strong. My imperfect self would help others feel perfect and special. If you could see me right now, shaking my head. Writing those words down, I just cringe, shaking a spiritual fist at my younger self! Back then, my way of thinking made perfect sense in my head, but on paper, and now looking back, what twisted truths crafted into lies, molded straight from the pit of darkness. Everyone else deserves (blank) more than me. Their needs were greater. They were more worthy and had more potential to go further and I would help them do it, praying over them, doing life and Bible study with their interest and soul in mind. Never mind me. I was fine with Jesus as my BFF. What more did I need!?! Grace! That's what I needed! And eventually a holy spanking to knock that non-sense outa me!  

Becoming a Mom only made matters worse! The "suck it up" part of parenting kicks in, the "lead by example" pressure is high. Following all the world's expectations of raising a "law abiding citizen with manners and a perfect outfit"...my wanting a perfect life just got harder....the fears, lies, hopes, and expectations only rooted deeper. 

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda…here I am now and there is absolutely nothing any of us can do to change the paths that have already been walked. We can, however, choose today, to take a new path! Thank God we can begin a new direction on the road of forgiveness, grace and redemption! Praise God for His mercies that are new each and every morning! So, how am I different now? I am still shy at heart, that's just how God molded me in my demeanor, but I am not hidden or afraid. I acknowledge my gift of encouragement from the Lord and I walk in His strength and abilities to do it as I always have, however, I don't hide behind my own hurts, insecurities and failures in order to love on others. It is because of my own hurts that I can understand theirs. I pray my imperfections highlight the perfection of a Saving God! Through all my cracks and gaps, I pray others see Jesus. If they judge me, hurt me, betray me, belittle me, I trust the Guard of my heart to take care of them on my behalf! And He will take care of me just as He promises He will. Thank You Lord for my perfectly imperfect life!!! 

May I take a moment and tell you how precious you are to the Lord?! You may not feel precious in your life and you may be desperate for validation and assurance that you are worthy of Grace. Let me tell you, from someone who wondered the same things, YES! Yes, you already are. Even in your mistakes. Even in the midst of crisis. Even when you make poor choices. Even when your heart wrongfully is led by pride, perfection and even a twisted truth of righteousness. You are deeply, unconditionally, loved and Grace can set you free if you will just climb out of your pit, or off your mountain, whichever place you find yourself!! Dig out of there and into The Word of God. You will not know the lies until you know The Truth. Read it for the sake of wisdom and discernment but for the sake of grace, be truth and love to yourself and others! He knows your heart. He gave it to you!! 

 "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in Him, "If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, 

and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 

John 8:31-32 ESV.

“Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness to see me through my immature and selfish, fearful days. Create in me a clean heart O Lord, day after day. Grant me renewed boldness, honesty and spirit led determination to work out my salvation to bring You glory.  May You always be the Guard over my heart, my soul and my mind that fear will have no room. God, I still ask you to completely remove the thorn in me that I would be fully free. I know I am nothing and I am undeserving of Your amazing grace gift, but Lord, I accept it and thank You with a humble heart who's eyes are set on You! I acknowledge my imperfections Lord and am so grateful that You certainly are my strength, all I need! May others see the image of Your beauty within me. It is my desire that You so fill me up that all others can see is You. Consume me from the inside out. Burn away all the lies and saturate me with Your truth! Remind us in our weak moments Lord that You are near. Thank You for sending Rock Climbers into our lives to reach our core. Help us to encourage each other from genuine hearts that are open and honest too. May we never seem perfect to others but rather, help them to see the You, the only Perfect One!!  “Better is one day in Your house than thousands others!” Psalm 94:10 Amen!

“Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to Your love remember me, for You are good, O Lord.” Psalms 25:4-7

What does my soul really magnify?

"My Soul, My Soul, Magnifies the Lord..." but does it really? 

Our church worshiped with this song last week and as I was singing it, about half way through, I felt the prompting question, "Michele, does it?" I stopped singing and listened. (Click HERE to access this song on YouTube if you want to listen also." "Let every heart prepare His throne... Come and worship, do not be afraid. My soul, my soul magnifies the Lord. He has done great things for me....Wonderful. Counselor. Everlasting Father."  

Yes, awesome and Holy God. Wonderful. Counselor. Everlasting Father. It's easy to say these things, especially if you believe them. But then, does my soul magnify Him? Yikes, we can think all we want in our heads but what do I magnify... Self? Hatred? Bitterness? Selfishness? Greed? A Gossiper? Unforgiving? Judgement? Or do I magnify the Lord I say I worship with Patience? Love? Servant? Fair? Gentle? Trustworthy? Joy? Hope? Peace? Faith? Self-control? Kindness? If someone had a magnifying glass on me, what would be the most obvious? Honestly, it's a frightening thought, am I truly magnifying the Lord? Do others see His Light that I say (claim) I trust? Do I still have my own eyes set on Him?

Romans 3:23 says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." You may not even need a magnifying glass to see all my sin. We all have things going on in our heart, mind and soul that we hope no one knows. Sometimes our sins gets it's own t-shirt if you know what I mean! Often though, it takes a magnifying glass to find those little sins down in the hidden areas of our soul.

This week marked for me the 4 year anniversary of my Season of Hell. That's exactly what it felt like. As absolutely horrible it was, the redemption and healing that came of it, I would not trade having to have gone through that in order to be where I am today, healed and restored, freed from bondage, and passionately in Love with the Lord! I don't want my "old" Christian self back. God in His grace, provided so many instruments of healing through Christian counselors and mentors, strengthening old friendships to beautiful new ones, to timely bible studies, opportunities to encourage and be encouraged, etc, etc. 
I can honestly say that over these past 4 years, as I have pride-shattering, humbly put up a magnifying glass over my own heart, mind and soul and compared it to His, the more intentional I am to fix my eyes on Christ's Love to see more of Him and less of me. It's been a battle learning how to receive His unconditional Love into my sinful self. Seeking to be more intentional in His Name, it's my heart's desire to honor Him with my life, loving Him with all my heart, all my mind and all my strength, helping me to become more pure in my thoughts and deeds, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14  "Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the Name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17 I can see and even feel less of me and more of Him. Oh yes, there is still sin and there will be until we sit at the feet of Glory's throne. But that void of "something missing" has been filled with wonder and delight, only God can be all that!!! 

The Lord HAS done GREAT things for me! The song for me now is a prayer more than a declaration. It's a "fearful" thought to say I do magnify Him. Oh how I pray I do, but I cannot promise that I will. I am a sinner saved by grace who's greatest desire is to know Him more and share Him more! I pray that I lead a life reflective, magnifying the One who holds my very breath, my life, my heart. I am not perfect and don't claim to be (anymore-lol). But what I do claim is the Blood of Jesus poured out over me, cleansing me, redeeming me, guarding me, helping me, sanctifying me. PRAISE GOD!!!! 
It is my prayer that as Believers, we will encourage and love one another, stirring up in one another a purposeful intention and accountability to fix our eyes on the Lord and magnify His Love to the nations, both saved and wondering. Will they see Christ the Redeeming Savior? Who will they say we are celebrating? Will it be our life or His? We can fake our words but we cannot fake our heart's outpouring. Isn't it time to stop lying to ourselves and with pride-shattering faith, magnify the heart of God?!?


Father God, Christ Jesus, You are the Great I Am. My soul, my soul, how it is desperate for Yours. I am yours. Father, magnify Yourself to us so we may reflect You more and not only experience it but also share the unshakable Joy of Your salvation and Peace that surpasses all our understanding. In Your unending love and mercy, cleanse us and help us be who You created us to be. Take every part of us and cast out all that hinders us from being filled with You. Help us to be intentional in seeking You, knowing You, trusting You. God our Creation, Sustainer and Rock, we worship You, Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father. To You be all the glory forever and always, in every thing, every where. amen.

Rock vs Sand

""Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it."" Matthew 7: 24-27

With the new change of the season, less humidity and cooler temps, I have found myself spending more time outdoors. In this Texas heat, it's a rare treat to spend full days outside without drowning in sweat! This verse came to mind today as I was returning home from my bike ride. Just outside my neighborhood, there is an area of rugged terrain I pass through to get home. For the most part, it is either sand or dirt. 

As I come flying off the street and make the transition into this "unstable" area, I must be paying attention to the unevenness of the ground so that I don't fall. Tree stumps, rocks, holes, branches and even trash fill the area. If I am not watching where I am going, I am surely gonna slip and fall.

This happened to me this morning. I wasn't paying attention as I crossed the now very familiar grounds, and my bike slid sideways on the shifting sands. I was not planning on sliding, or going sideways, but that is the way I went because I was careless. God brought this verse to mind.

Why do we "build" on "rock?" Because it is steady and dependable. Sand can be compacted down but it still gives way to pressure and it can be easily manipulated and moved. If it is our intent to build something that will withstand the pressure and rains of our circumstances, not quickly shaken or lost, then wisdom would say build on The Rock.

So it is with God. When we build our lives on God our Rock, we will withstand the pressures and rain that come against us. We won't crater and fall. Our circumstances will not control us. We will stand firm on Our Rock and endure.

Do you feel "loose?" Do you feel as though you continue, time after time, to be tossed around, heart and mind slipping and sliding, never at rest? Then may I suggest you check your foundation. You may need to replace some of that sand with a Bigger Rock!