God Can Hear You Just Fine.

I thought I would share an excerpt from my journaling from December 2008 as panic and anxiety attacks consumed my life, churning up my once neat and tidy soil. God used this season to shake up and shape up my heart, mind and soul, ultimately pruning back much of me so that He could do a refining work, reestablishing my root system and growing in me something new.

As always, I pray as you read through these words you allow God to speak to you, that it would be His voice you hear and not mine. May you be encouraged and reminded in the truths, you are loved, you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, He is near. Satan wants nothing more than for you to doubt the love of God and begin loosing hope. 

The further we fall into the darkness of a pit, the harder it is to find our way back out. But the Good News is that God is Light and His Word is a lamp for our feet and a light on our path. He will lead you, and you must patiently follow, one step at a time, one breath at a time.

Never quit believing God is for you. Cling fast to what is Truth. Rest in His care.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Embarrassed and confused myself, I did not share what I was going through except with a select few family and friends. I am a pretty private person, and struggle with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I was also serving in leadership within my church with a heart to do Women's Ministry and Retreats. If they knew, I knew it would kill that dream and I would become useless in Kingdom Work. Was there a way to describe it watered down? Would they judge me? Would I become even more less than and unnecessary than I already felt...

If I couldn’t even understand what was happening to me, then how could I expect someone else to!? I felt crazy, how could they not think the same?! “I’ve lost my mind!” is a phrase I could relate to. And it didn’t mean I had become forgetful. When you feel like you’ve lost your mind, it’s scary. Your normal thought patterns and reasonings are lost. Once methodical and organized, two steps ahead of every need, you now find yourself scrambling to catch up and grab hold of a sound thought. It’s chaotic and uneasy. For a perfectionist like me, it pushed me to the edge of myself, feeling even more inadequate than before. Now, I was sure of it.

Every day I had to fight against the lies that God wasn’t there for me, He couldn’t hear me, He no longer had anymore patience, mercy or grace for me. My faith didn’t waver but my focus, patience and endurance did. Each day was not better than the other. Day after day I grew in my exasperation. I wanted to be healed and restored. Each prayer felt like an echo, bouncing back at me off the ceiling, my words empty and my hands weak. When would this end? How much longer could I take this torture?

One day in particular, at my wits end, exhausted, fearful, angry, I cried out desperate to God, almost demanding in my tone, “Please be with me. Where are You God? Why can’t You hear me?” A few minutes later as I sat in the middle of the floor of my play room trying to gather myself to get on with my day, I heard in my spirit to go to the front door so I did. I don't recall noticing a knock at the door and the beagle wasn't barking.

Opening the door, no one was standing there and no one was around the yard or in the street, but then I noticed a door hanger on my door. Weird. Normally my beagle hollers at intruders in the yard. I had just spent the past hour cleaning up (and talking to God) in the front playroom and never heard or saw anyone out the windows. The door hanger was from a new church coming to the area. You won’t believe what it said…in all caps..

”GOD CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.” 

What?!?! I stood taken back for a moment...in awe that He had not only sent me a divine message...but now I knew that He could really, really hear me. I knew that message was meant just for me. But that assurance was for a fleeting moment because my very next thought was, “Then if You CAN hear me why aren’t You helping me?!? Anger filled me, not joy. It was almost worse to know He actually could hear me but choose not to help me. 

I had been so desperate to hear Him, to feel Him, to get confirmation that He had not forgotten me or left me to this darkness consumed…and then He says He can hear me just fine. Ugh. My heart and stomach twisted inside me. My soul wept “Then why Lord….why?” Was He so done with me, this was the end? Had He had enough? Was I worth His time anymore? I figured I had nothing left to offer Him. I was at the end of me. I couldn’t fix me and if He wasn’t going to fix me, then I was useless, merely functioning as an empty shell, depleted, exhausted, scared, lonely and sad. I was frightened. I felt completely alone. And yet, there was life to manage inside my doors, inside my home, inside my church...inside my soul. 

A husband and 4 children who were counting on me to care for them, help them, cheer for them, provide for them. Little ones who couldn’t wait for Mommy to tuck them in and tickle their tummies and kiss them on their sweet cheeks as they let go of their day and submitted to sleep. Big kids needing help with homework, someone to talk to about their day and help them figure life-stuff out and of course to find their missing socks. And a husband who always needs my help! And how I wanted to be an Encourager in the Kingdom. I couldn't give up.  This is a battle I wouldn't win on my own. 

I prayed so deep and often, "God, strengthen me and engage me deep at my core....revive me and restore to me the joy of my salvation. Still my soul and steady my mind. There is nothing I want more than You."

Truth was, it was hard to stay joy-filled and energetic when I felt completely empty inside, but as I look back on this season, it was by the grace of God I was able to. At the time, it was me just gutting it through one hour at a time, longing for each morning’s mercies….and healing. In reality, it was He Who carried me and sustained every breath, every hug, every Mom moment, every day's laundry and to-dos as life went on day after day and I remained the same weeping soul. Grace helped and sustained me.

God was faithful even though it didn’t feel like it. He was near even though it didn’t seem He was.  Maybe this was my Moses moment, my Job moment. Was He testing my faith and trust in Him?

His Word tells us through and through, He is faithful, He loves us and is working for our good, to prosper and us and not harm us. Trials and tribulations are meant to burn off the old and make room for new growth. Pits and valleys are torturous but The Cross took on the pain and penalties for us. He took on all our suffering...for our good. 

        Next time you find your prayers hitting the ceiling, remain faithful and strong. Gather a few trustworthy people and ask them to intercede with you for this season. It'll help keep you strong as God reaches out to hug you through their prayers and presence. We always think it's an imposition to ask for help, and for a perfectionist, it's humbling but the fact is it is a blessing to be able to stand in the gap for another. This was part of the pruning I had to let go of too. 

Trials have so many layers and we will never know all the many things God is working in us and through us, despite us.

Friend, you are not alone. You are loved. You are heard. You are enough. You are seen. You are worth much. You have a purpose. Don't give up! Be still your soul and rest in Him.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 

and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 

who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 

for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 

1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV

The way you are.

The way you can light up a dark room with your joy.

The way you make others feel soooo loved and special when you speak to them.

The way your eyes look deep into the heart of others, past the walls they have attempted to put up.

The way your laughter stirs the room.

The way your smile touches our hearts.

The way you choose to sit close when others are far.

The way you can speak simple, yet profound truth.

The way you give hope when all appears hopeless.

The way you show strength and courage. 

The way your hug melts the heart of stone.

The way your presence ushers grace and confidence.

The way you share, have compassion, seek out the lonely, share your heart, look into the heart of everyone, find the sweetness in every situation….it's the details of you that make you special.

God created each of us equally by flesh and bones, but it is the uniqueness in the details of you that God gave you to make you a special you! You cannot compare because you do not compare to any other! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!!! I am soooo glad you are you!!!!!

*Inspired by the love and uniqueness of my children who are all so very different! I love each of you so much and am grateful to get to be your Mom!!! Blessings on and thru each of you! With great love, Your Mama

Thicker Skin

I LOVE being out in the nature of God!! His glory is on display at every glance. There are glimpses of His mightiness in the trees and unshakeable boldness in the mountains, His consistency and strength in the waves of the oceans, His kindness and care in the smallest of detail on the flowers and creeping little critters.

 

There is so much beauty to be seen!!! I have hundreds of pictures from my time outside. One thing I have observed is the amount of thorns scattered amongst the beauty.
I was enjoying a day outside and as you can see in the photo with my sock, there are pokey things digging in like needles into my skin. I got these painful pokes during a walk with a friend. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to stop and remove these needles in my foot!! My friend laughed at my "tenderness" as she felt nothing from the few in her own sock. "How can that not hurt you?" I asked. She replied, " I guess I have thicker skin." I must agree...on many levels! LOL
God brought back that moment a few days later when I was upset. We look at other people and wonder how they can experience pains and seem unaffected by it while our heart feels like it is literally breaking into pieces. We will not all respond the same way to every situation. God did not create humans to be robots. We were created and fashioned differently. The truth is, what's true for me may not be true for you. We are His masterpiece, wonderfully made to think, feel, and live!

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

The way we think and respond (while rooted in the truth of Christ) to trials will vary. A harsh word spoken to me may be like a dart thrown at my heart while a harsh word spoken to my friend may be like throwing a spear at her heart. I may fall down but you can be sure my thick skinned friend would rise up before you, surely standing taller than you!! An illness or trial that falls upon me may cause my heart to fear while the same trial for another may gird them up in anticipation for a good, Holy fight. I may crater, while they rise up. We are not all the same.
It's easy for us to go about our day thinking our reality is the reality for everyone else, but I would dare to say there is a pridefulness within us that says "Our ways are right." "This is truth for me and therefore it must be the same for you." We begin to judge and possibly shame or condemn others when they don't respond just like we would in their situation. What makes us think we are so right?!
I am challenged today to check my pride and exercise mercy and compassion towards others knowing that what works for me and what I think is right may not be their right. (Obviously I am not discussing the absolutes of God's Words and commands. But considering the heart and soul of others.)
May we look at the Creation of our World and remember that we too are each created with a specific design. May we remember that God's Truth is the Only Truth to consider as absolute. Our roots and our fruits may be the same but the type of bloom we are is as diverse as the flowers of the fields!!

Challenge:
* Next time you hurt, know it's okay if it's hurting you. You may just have tender skin compared to another. And really, who's comparing? Our truth is Christ alone.

 "I will meditate on Your precepts and fix my eyes on Your ways." Psalm 119:15 

* And if another expresses hurt, extend mercy and love, believing their hurt to be real even if you don't think it's valid. 

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4:15-16

"Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; 5 and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; 6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. 7 To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body--Jews or Greeks, slaves or free--and all were made to drink of one Spirit. 

14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." 22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." 1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 12-14, 21-27

What Spills Out Matters

OOOPPPS!!! TOO MANY THINGS IN MY HANDS!! I was carrying my Carry All bag, my purse, my sunglasses, my coffee mug and my Bible and as I leaned over to grab my keys, CRASH!! My Bible slipped out falling to ground and EVERYTHING fell out. UGH! Really, when is it ever a good time to drop something and have to spend time cleaning it up?!? I think...never!

Past church bulletins, children's color sheets, meeting notes, bookmarks, sermon notes jotted on a piece of paper when I had forgotten my journal. It all fell out. I've always held my Bible close as it was much like a Diary to me and the thought of someone seeing some of my personal notes would have been devastating. It wasn't until I noticed a friend of mine continually opening and sharing her Bible with others that God began to show me how my Bible was something I should be opening wide and not covering up before others. One day she asked me to look something up in hers and the thought crossed my mind how she must really trust me with something so personal. 

God used this "sharing your Bible" thing to teach me on a deeper level that although we should be clinging to and guarding the Word, we should freely give it and share it. Therefore, what's on the inside matters. Taking this to a deeper level...if I open my Bible, or my heart to someone, what will they see inside? What does GOD see inside? I pray goodness and truths and hope are found. Whatever spills out, I pray it's good. This means I must be careful with my choices, and choose wisely what I hold on to.

"For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:43-45 

When you are knocked down, what spills out? Good or evil? Good fruit or bad fruit? What you hold onto in your heart matters. Although no one wants to admit that "evil" comes out of us, we must be honest and own our sin. Sin is evil.

"And He said, "What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.  All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person." Mark 7:20-23 

It is never a good time to get knocked down. But it's only we are put to the test and shaken that what's on the inside can be honestly revealed. When something doesn't go your way, or someone says something ugly or incorrect about you, or even when the warfare against you is strong, what thoughts burst from within your heart and mind...and mouth? Remember that we also have to clean up our spill. The messier it is, the harder and longer it will take to clean up. 

Obviously when we are hurt, we are going to feel hurt, say we are hurt and even shed tears from being hurt, but what is attached to that hurt as it comes out? Gossip, revenge, deceit, bitterness, hatred? Or does your heart immediately cry out to the Lord for Him to take a hold of it as it breaks? Falling at the feet of Jesus and letting Him act on our behalf, strengthening in us at the same time with peace, forgiveness, self-control.

Like the commercial goes, "What's in your wallet?" Today, we must ask "What's in your heart?"

Forgiving and Just God,

How I pray for a heart that pleases You. When life shakes me up, give me eyes to see what You see in me that I may get rid of all the evil inside as it oozes out and fill my heart and soul with all that is good. Guide me Holy Spirit in self-control to make daily choices that led me on a path of goodness and mercy, purity and peace. Help me guard the influences around me, turning from all evil and taking in what is Good. Open my heart Father God and pour into me Your goodness and mercy, Your compassion and love and may I be bolder in sharing it with others. Your Word is a light unto my path, healing to my heart. Help me to hide Your Holy Word, engraving it into the depths of my mind, heart and soul so I may claim it's promises and power and rebuke the evil that tries to penetrate within it. I pray that when it is broken that it bleeds Your Blood which covers all my sin. Thank You Lord for Your perfect love. Be the core of me. Amen.

At the Picnic Table with JESUS!!

The day I "found" Jesus. I have know of the Lord my whole life. I was fortunate to be raised by two parents who loved the Lord and had our family in church every time the doors were open. We served in the Children/Youth ministries, Handbell Choirs, Dramas and Musicals, Communion, Conferences, Mission Trips, Youth Camps, etc. I haven't missed very many Sunday worship services in my lifetime. I am grateful for the foundation of faithfulness laid by my parents.

Although I choose Christ as my own personal Savior in 1986, there were seasons in my life I felt like I couldn't find Him. There was a void in my heart and soul. 2009 was just a season. I was searching and reading in the Word as the restoration process went on. There was just something missing then. I knew He was there with me and yet I felt doubtful. Anxiety is my personal thorn and in times like these, Satan gets in this healing wound and poisons it with thoughts like, "you know He's done being gracious with you," "are you really praying for that again," "He has others with bigger problems than yours," "He doesn't want to hear all your whining," "you're just not smart or special," "the void is because you're not trying hard enough." When really the problem is that I was sinning in my disbelief. I doubted His grace, patience, peace and faithfulness to me to never leave me or forsake me, never give me more than I can bear, and that He is eternal in everything, for everyone!!!

Our family decided to get away for the weekend and headed to a family camp. Each morning I woke up and walked to the lake just down from the cabin to have my quiet time with the Lord. There was a typical picnic table there at the edge where I would sit and read and pray. It was beautiful and quiet. I love being by the water. 

This particular morning I was feeling this great void in my heart and soul. I felt empty. The poison of lies began again. I am just never going to be the same (and He knew better-PRAISE GOD I haven't been!!!), I am not worth His time, This is just my discipline for doubting Him all these years, His time is better spent helping those who are super-Christians, living full out for Him or for those who are hurting so deeply. I was just normal and didn't really matter in the big picture. To my family, I mattered. The World, I could leave and no one would probably notice my absence.

I closed my Bible, laid my head down on the picnic table and prayed, "God, am I more than nothing? Do I really matter? I believe in You and love You more than anyone and anything but I am afraid I have lost value in Your eyes. I want to find You close to me. I want to live a life pleasing to You, not grieving You. Please forgive my whinings. Forgive where I have been a coward. Help me know You better and trust in Your love. Amen." After a few quiet moments, keeping my head down, I opened my eyes. Looking down at the dirt, I found JESUS shining in the dirt.

You will see in the picture above JESUS right there in the dirt. I quickly looked around to see who's it could be...at 6am mind you! JESUS?!?

My wondering soul just anchored down. My mind was centered. My heart leaped! I FOUND JESUS!! WooooHooooo!!!! Sweet JESUS!!!!! He really is near...literally!! This was hysterically awesome!!! I had sat there in that same spot several times and yet, JESUS came that morning to meet with me! What was lost, was found. Sight overcame blindspots. Salvation in a season of needing refuge and strength...and proof with gentle correction. (Keeping it real as there must be correction when we sin.)

I found it and knew it was a message straight for me, and I got it! There was no one around to ask, so I get to keep it right?!? This is totally my new ring that I will never take off!! Well, no. Being a person of strong ethics, I knew I needed to turn it into the office. Someone was missing their JESUS. I walked it up to the office, wishing it could just be mine but knowing the right thing to do. I handed it to the lady telling her where I had found it. She looked at me and said, "Looks like JESUS is yours. No one has reported it missing. If someone comes in asking for it I will call you but otherwise, it's yours."

What joy filled me!!! It was a real-life miracle. A testimony no doubt. How could you possibly doubt something tangible!!!! A tangible message from a listening and speaking God. God knew me and the depths of my heart, mind and soul. He knows that I am a "prove it to me" personality, hence anxiety that makes me question everything. Today, in my moment of doubt, anxious or trial, I can literally cling to my JESUS!! I am reminded He is near. He's on me and I am spoken for!! Amen and Hallelujah!!  

Just as my wedding ring doesn't make me married, neither does this ring make me a Believer. Removing it doesn't remove my relationship to God or my Husband. The rings are outward symbols of the commitment made. Both from me to my Spouse, my Spouse to me, and to my God and my God to me. With my wedding ring on my left and JESUS on my right, I testify that I am committed. I am also spoken for. You cannot have me cuz I am already in The Arms of Ones who love me.

Next time you feel a void, won't you seek, ask and knock. There may not be a ring at your feet when you open your eyes, but there will be proofs. God is not going to leaving you standing at the door, He is going to open it for you. But you must knock! He's invited you, won't you come. Take a seat at His table and enjoy His fellowship. If you don't get an answer, I'd be sure I was knocking at the right door cuz you may be knocking at the wrong door.

Be aware of sinful and poisonous lies. Rebuke them. Know The Truth by being in His Word!!! It's the only way to recognize the lies. In JESUS....

You are NOT nothing! You ARE special!

You are NOT worthless! You ARE worth dying for!

You are NOT hated! You ARE Loved!!

You are NOT stupid! You ARE Wise!!

You are NOT helpless! You ARE powerful!

You are NOT conquered! You ARE a Conqueror!

You are NOT sick! You ARE Healed!! 

You are NOT lost!! You ARE Found!!!

 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:7-11

Amen and Hallelujah!!