Crowbar of Grace : Feeling Lonely When You are Surrounded by People in Life

It was a perfect evening for a Jeep-Hair-Don't-Care Jeep drive. The winds were cooler, the sunset emulated a fire in the sky providing a Hollywood-worthy backdrop for a drive. I took the soft top and doors off and headed out. There's nothing like it! To feel the wind in your hair, and not care how messy it gets, to feel a sense of extra freedom and fun.

This evening though I felt a special sense of awareness, being pulled in my spirit to really being in the moment. I admit it's been a busy few months of intense focus and work. I have hardly slowed down accomplishing more of the To Do List than Ought to Do List. 

Driving through town, the sky was glowing, lights illuminated driveways and businesses, my hair was swishing around in the wind. No, no music playing. Our old jeep doesn't have working a/c, heat or radio. It truly is a basic ride without expectations. I took in a deep breath reaching my arm out the side of the jeep in a moment of worship of thanksgiving, feeling especially free and kept by my Savior. I felt His nearness. I knew He was riding with me. My soul was at joyful rest in my hot mess. 

And then I smelt it. A full aroma of yummy deliciousness flooded my air. Mmmm...I had come into the local restaurant area and the aroma filled my senses. I hadn't been hungry but now I found myself starving. My spirit spoke in that moment, "Girl, how wonderful to taste and see the Lord is good." In that moment, every sense was heightened, the sense of sight, smell, feeling. Yes. Oh the beautiful freedom of tasting and seeing, and knowing The Lord our God is so good. He is a delight, even better than chocolate and my favorite lattes. My God quenches every thirst and feeds my soul like nothing else can. The bestest of friends, the yummiest of foods, the greatest of incomes cannot compare to the richness of our Lord's glory and presence alone. 

It was a perfect evening for a no doors on Jeep ride, smelling local flavors and the salty air. Pulling over to a sunset gazing spot, I sat still in reflection, realizing how often I have quenched the Holy Spirit in my life with "closed doors." 

If I had been in my Mom car, the Burb, windows and doors closed up, I wouldn't have experienced all that open air goodness. You know how God takes these everyday moments and peels back a layer of our heart to speak some truth into it? This was one of those moments.

Insecurity, inadequacy, fear of failure and judgement, lack of self confidence keeps our doors under lock and key. We can live life surrounded by people yet still feel lonely. 

Each betrayal, each failure, each regret and disappointment was another click of the Lock Doors button. It's always been easier to polish the outside of the car and keep it locked up without fear of the unknowns letting others in. Isolation becomes your safety zone, yet it’s a danger zone. 

Friend, the enemy is always at work to isolate us. When we are hidden and disconnected, our fire simmers and we become lukewarm and less salty.

But God, He didn’t create us for isolation. He came to set the captives free, not to shut us in behind closed doors. Jesus came to seek and save us from the shackles of death and desolation. He opens closed doors with the crowbar of grace, mercy and love. 

Ultimately, His Love unlocks our doors and Grace is the gatekeeper. The Lord who opens the floodgates of glory divine, revealing to us how He is doing a new thing and He can't wait to show us. If we would just trust Him to open our doors.

God places crowbars of grace in our lives to help us get out from behind those doors. He not only sent the Holy Spirit as our Helper, but He places in our lives, friends with keys, faith and hope that can open locked doors that lead us towards Him. 

Always keeping it real, I am still a guarded girl, trust and healing takes time and comes with learning healthy boundaries. I choose who, when and where because I ask God to lead the way and open those doors for me. You can too! It’s time to pray for God’s help to open those doors and enjoy the beauty of Salty Air with your Sisters & Savior!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;" 

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 17-18  

 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:2-6

With hopes of empowering others in these rooms, I do my best to be transparent and honest, but I admit, I am guarded, however, I know it is He Who is a shield about me. My hope, my fears all rest in His care. Our flesh and our enemy will never stop showing us open doors for us to hide behind, in hopes that one day we won't be paying attention and walk in and sit for a while. Even on those days you do, there's always a crowbar of grace and it will be up to you to know where it is and how to use it.

Friend, do you need a crowbar of Grace today to get out from behind those doors? Let Him open them, He is trustworthy. You don't have to fear the other side of that door. I know it looks scary but you can trust Him. The winds and waves know His name. He sculpted out every path you will walk on and will walk with you. Step out from behind those suffocating doors. You are not safe there. Let go of that self control and open your soul's arms wide and honestly proclaim it is well with your soul even when it hurts, His breath sustains yours. He will take you for the ride of a lifetime. He is trustworthy and will be the most powerfully consuming delight you will ever know.

Enjoy the Messy-Hair-Don't-Care of Christ's reckless love. Surrender to the moments He gives you and embrace the good and perfect gifts He has for you in every season. Strength is in His Name. Freedom is found knowing He is by your side and His heart is for you, not against you. How He must delight in the sweet aroma of our return of worship as our souls pour out praise and see the proof of a life free from isolation.  

 
Open the door, take the ride, stretch your arms wide and show the enemy where your faith is, then Taste and See that the Lord our God is good! 

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

Encouragement When You Feel Depressed and Alone : Let's Pray

"When I said, "My foot is slipping," Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:18-19 

Not every day can be a great day. Over the years I have learned to be more truthful with my feelings and stop hiding behind the "I'm fine" response which most often translates I am not okay. Saying I wasn't okay seemed to admit defeat or reveal a lack of faith. I convinced myself somewhere along the path of perceived togetherness, it wasn't okay to not be okay. 

My mind would say if I prayed harder, there'd be more Happy. If I listened to worship music and read my Bible a little longer, my circumstances might change which would surely change my heart and mind too. I would never had admitted a bad day for fear of being judged that I was a hypocrite or a weak Christian. How sneaky and manipulative is our enemy.

It took getting stuck in lots of pits and circling the same walls over and over to finally get through them. I've learned to honestly answer, "Not every day can be a great day, and I am not okay, but God is faithful." It is bearing false witness if you say everything's great when it's not. The false joy and perceived peace are not healing hopes. They are deceiving masks. 

The Lord tells us in His Word there will be trials and storms. What a prideful thing to equate ourself to God in thinking we can control things. You and I may be able to fake out some people, but we cannot fake out God or those closest to us who can immediately see the shattered twinkle in our eye. I think the Lord gives our close companions a special kind of discernment to know when we are not okay and call our bluff. Those are special kinds of Sisters.

Of course there is the opposite of me out there when someone is a Pity Party for One and all are invited in. They can't fathom anything good cuz the world is evil and there's no good left in anything or anyone. How exhausting it must be to live like that. 

People with drama drain me. I will certainly pray for them, but I am not going to enable them and I don't have to spend more than a minute with them either. Hello Healthy Boundaries. 

Life is just too short to waste time complaining, contemplating and gossiping. My Mom has always said I wear Rose-Colored glasses but I come by it honestly. I know the Lord gifted Hospitality, Encouragement, Empathy and Compassion into my heart but my Grandma used to always tell me, "Always find something kind to say to every person you encounter." So, here I am born with a glasses of Hope and yet, I still struggled with insecurity and anxiety.

Life isn't going to always be great no matter how we try to create a perfect place. There are seasons our sorrow will outweigh our happy. And God didn't promise us happy. He promised us a Helper. Life gets really hard and sometimes our prayers feel they fall onto deaf ears. We gasp for a breath under the weight of expectations, hopes and dreams that only seem to fade. 

So many friends are dealing with huge issues and it's hard even when it's not you. I read comments in social media groups that break my heart and drive me to want to be a louder, bolder Encourager and Light for the Lord, to reach those in dark places at the edge of depletion. I have been on that edge and praise God, 

He sent His Helper and His hugs through amazing, honest, warrior woman who knew how to Hug my heart through prayer and accountability. Scripture says together we are a City on a Hill if we all chose to Shine which means, no masks. Does that mean we tell everyone everything? Do we post on social media all our failures, problems, conflicts, insecurities? No. We are wise to pray before we post and ask, seek, knock where our help will come from. 

Our God....He is a Mighty Force, Ruler over all Authorities and principalities. Our Lord is a greater force than our finite minds can imagine. He is a real God, a loving Father, Great Counselor and Friend. He is our Rock and Refuge. He is our Anchor Who holds us in place when we find ourselves being tossed to and fro. When the seas roar, He has the power to calm them. (It's the only time you should stay close to a power source in a storm!! heehee!!!) 

When we know Who God is, there we find our Hope. Hope strengthens our faith and faith drives our perseverance, which strengthens our joy. No one can do what He can do but He can use us as His hands and feet here on this side of Heaven to bring that Hope Reminder to others. To remind the broken hearted He is near and He knows where we are. 

And the most important fact I learned: He is trustworthy and faithful. His love is unconditional and He loves me right where I am, in my insecurity, my anger, my fear, my hurt, my unknowns...He loves me here. Are we willing to surrender ourselves to Him? Do you trust Him to be a Promise Keeper? Do you believe He is Who He says He is?

One day, crashing waves will find their calm and joy will conquer painful sorrow as all the tears are absorbed into The Master's sackcloth. There is a time for everything as Ecclesiastes 3 explains. We will dance but we will also mourn. All in His time.

I challenge you to do more than simply give an Honest Answer. Surrender and Trust Him. Depend on Him. When you trust Him, you will be honest with Him so you can then be honest with yourself, and others because you trust Him more than you trust yourself. We can find comfort knowing God is Who He says He is and gives us exactly what we need as we need it. You cannot borrow joy, or grace. You cannot create peace. You cannot move mountains, divide oceans, calm storms, or create life from ashes. But God is more than able to do exceedingly more than we can ever imagine. 

Do you trust Him as YOUR Honest Answer?! 

Lord, as we cry our salty tears, replenish us with Your Living Waters. Give us the peace only You can. Heal our hurts. Forgive our unbelief. Forgive our forgetfulness of who You are. Forgive us for minimizing Your power of provision and grace in our lives. You are more than we can imagine and Your love immeasurable. Give us favor in the mustard seed of our faith to walk trusting You. Transform our insecurities with Your insight.

We believe at the command of Your voice, healing can come and hearts restored. Lord, heal our broken bodies. Renew our minds and set them on You again. Help our broken hearts beat in the rhythm of Your grace. 

God,  I pray for those in the middle of a storm, remind them of the Strength of Your Anchor! Send hugs and Help to them and lift them up. Call out to the winds and calm them that You may be seen walking on the horizon. Break their chains and renew their hope in Jesus Name. Grant them peace, revive their strength. Relieve the weight of their sorrows and replace it with Your mercy, new every morning! 

We acknowledge You are faithful, steadfast and Honest. Father, we worship You and bow before You asking for revelation of Your Power. Use us and gather us as a City on The Hill. Open our eyes to see what You see and clear our minds to hear wisdom. Give us courage to take off our masks and be a Light for You. Take our flesh and cleanse us. You are so patient and worthy. We praise Your Holy Amazing Name! You are everything to us. Amen!!

"You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give You thanks forever." 

Psalm 30:11-12

Life of Grace

You think you're happy until one day you smile so much, your cheeks hurt. You think you rule your world until the day your world turns upside-down. You think you're faith is everything until Jesus reminds you He is everything. 

The presence of God sends chills through the tiny hairs on your arms and you learn it's the presence of your Spirit rejoicing from the inside out. You think you can do it, until God shows you how He's gonna do it. You think you have enough money, until the unexpected happens. You think you will live a full, long life until that tumor appears. 

We sure do a lot of thinking. 

The world is full of assumptions but one thing we do not have to make assumptions about is our Lord Jesus. According to the Scriptures, Christ Jesus is the Cornerstone, our strong Foundation. The Lord is our Redeemer, King, Father, Refuge, Friend, Shield, Answer, Protector and Sweetest Love. He is faithful, just, righteous, steadfast, enduring, long-suffering, gracious, merciful and mighty. In the simplest of human languages and definitions, these are the characteristics and promises of Our Savior which hardly do justice to defining an infinite God. He's so much more than we can think or imagine. 

All knowing, all seeing, all able, ever present is He. It is written, He is LORD over all. All our worry. All our fear. All our plans. All our blessings. All our bodies. All the principalities. All. He is All.

"However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him— these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 

For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 

This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. 

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit." 1 Corinthians 2: 9-14 NIV

Ecclesiastes reminds us there will be times for everything in this life. As countless as the stars in the sky are the numerous variables on this side of Heaven for you to be able to figure things out and have an unshakable, fortified plan outside of living by faith, for grace, by hope, with trust and in love.. In the economy of God A + B does not always = C. But rest assured Jesus + God + Holy Spirit = Life. E v e r y  s i n g l e  time.

Whatever you are facing today, seek the Lord. With Him you will have life. With Him you will have peace and joy even through tears and questions of sufferings. He is our Healer and Counselor for all the hurts. Life is not fair or predictable. But God is. We are weak, but He is strong. Don't forget, there is an enemy working against you, to keep you from experiencing a gracious and joy-filled life. 

So, how do we live by faith and feel purposeful and ready for whatever comes our way? By spending time leaning into God, learning who He is through daily Bible reading, fellowship through Bible studies, in songs of worship, and by the testimonies of others of like-minded faith. Arming yourself with His armor and not just your plans. Knowing who God is, the One you are placing all your hopes and fears in, the greatest Love of your soul, waits ready to meet with you and reveal His love to you every day. You will find Him if you seek Him. He isn't seeking your lip service and He isn't fooled by our masks.

He is am amazing God who saves sinners by grace, who extended the Peace offering, with grace. Your sins and my sins have earned us an eternity in the lake of fire and gnashing of teeth, but by the Grace Giver our Lord, He sent His Son to pay the debt we owe and we are found in Him righteous. Wow. That's everything. We have redemption forever in Him. We have life ever lasting in Him. Today and always, we have comfort, peace, joy, purpose, in Him. He is the same yesterday, today and forever, amen! Will you choose today, to accept and live in this life of Grace?

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 

2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV

Prayer: Father God, Lord over All, we pray according to the Scriptures we may be found faithful in You..."Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. 

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also." 

2 Corinthians 6: 4-13 NIV May it be so, amen. Here is where we live, not in the black and white, rather Where Faith is. 

Worship in Song here: 

When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

In my previous post, for the sake of not writing a mini-novel, I decided to split this into a 2 Part Series. There are so many things to be said, testified, helps and hurts that can be shared, but this is not my biography, rather, it is meant to be a beginning foundation to help and encouragement to you as you walk through these valleys with your loved one, family, friend or neighbor.
While this is specific to my journey with panic and anxiety attacks, many of these helps and encouragements bring hope to any trial you and your loved ones are facing. 
When we are living life with someone suffering, it can be difficult understanding what they are going through. You probably find yourself asking what in the world you are supposed to be doing, or not doing to support and help them. When you ask them what you can do to help them, all you hear is leave me alone for a few minutes or I don't know. It is frustrating when you don't exactly know what you need and equally frustrating to hear these words when you are looking for a way to help them. It's not as if all they need is a hug and some chocolates. If only it was that simple. I promise you they are just as scared and walking in the unknown too. 
Regardless of the circumstances of the trial or crisis, the answer is love. When we act in love, we facilitate healing. Jesus gave us this example. Love conquors.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

The following is a compilation of tidbits of conversations I have had with others. A professional counselor is best suited to counsel you and your loved one with specific therapy and helps. This is simply a few highlights and helps to get started in understanding, compassion and empathy, in the Name of Love.

Is there a difference between panic and anxiety attacks? 

Yes. Both involve physical pain in the chest, the shakes, shortness of breath (imagine a too small ski jacket buckled on you and you trying to take deep breaths but feel constricted), heart pounding and racing (you think it shows through your shirt and can often ache), confusion and mental overwhelmedness and fatigue, a welling up of adrenaline within the body (much a like a woman experiencing a labor contraction that builds in intensity and keeps high for several minutes) which makes you want to flee or find a corner and the sense of lack of control. Panic attacks are more intense and usually have a pain shooting down the left arm mimicking a heart attack. These will send people to the ER thinking they may be having a heart attack, and yes, it feels that scary. 

Why does the person under attack get mentally overwhelmed and need to flee to quiet environments?
Imagine turning on 2 T.V.s  to 2 stations, turning on the radio and a kid is skipping around the room while you try to read a book. It's a lot to take in and you can't focus. That's my best description to either attack. You hear and feel all that chaos and can't hear or process your own thoughts. We flee to escape to where we can breath and think to settle our minds and bodies. Emotions are tricky. They don't always represent truth or reality. We must always seek out and speak truth, in love.

What do you do when someone is having an attack of either sort?
First, pray and take a deep breath yourself. Speak truth: You are going to be okay, breath. I am right here with you, breath. It's going to pass in a few minutes, take a deep breath. Again, much like a woman in labor who feels as if she cannot handle or control the intensity welling up in her body as she braces herself for the next few minutes.
Do not: dismiss them, walk away, look at them like they are crazy or lying, ask them to help you do something labor intense, ignore them, tell them to pray harder or that they don't have enough faith, this is exasperating, defeating and hurtful. One thing I can promise you, whether they are a Believer or not, they are reaching out to God for the first time or thousandth time for rescue, asking Why Lord? and pleading for mercy. 
Now, if they are loosing faith and are discouraged, needing these boosts of faith, encourage them as iron sharpens iron that God is faithful and He is near even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment. Remind them faith strengthens your resolve and restors your hope. Keep them focused on the Lord and their strength because of His sufficient grace. Tell them to pray the Scriptures and breath in grace and exhale the attack. Do not, do not, tell them to pray harder. One either prays, or not. 
Do not: call or text them every 15 minutes to check on them and ask them if they are okay. It's humiliating and a constant reminder, sometimes creating triggers. We know you mean to be caring in checking on us, but it cannot be constant. That makes the person feel insecure and incapable. They are trying their hardest to maintain normal patterns and thinkings, meditating and distracting themselves, so constant pings and questions are obstacles. 
If you feel concerned for their safety, you might ask them if they would like you to help plan time with them or others to take a break out of the house or workplace. Keep them engaged, watch for crisis and critical behaviors and if you truly suspect they are an endangerment to themselves or others, you must confront and ask them to seek professional help or you will have to do it on your own accord for them, to protect them from themselves.  
Do: offer to get them a drink of water, hugs, take deep breaths with them, distract the kids away, relieve them temporarily from whatever task they were doing because as soon as they are calmed down they will want to continue doing what was normal, unless they ask for your help to take over. Keep the environment happy and calm. They cannot handle stress like they did before this attacking season, so take over the kid's tantrums, cleaning up after playtime, laundry or dinner, allowing them to rest after all the work. Go for walks or bike rides together or as a family. Have fun! Don't do things that push them beyond what they can give. Encouragement to go further and pushing to go further are not the same things. Be respectful of their pace and energy. Play worship music quietly in the back ground. Leave encouraging notes and Scriptures around their space to encourage and keep their focus on Christ. Diffuse essential oils like Young Living Joy, Peace & Calming, Lavender.

Why is my loved one loosing so much weight now?
When your body is in torment and pain, it upsets your stomach and intestines. They may be throwing up from the adrenaline spikes, they may start having diarrhea from the stress, and their appetite will be diminished. Help them eat healthy, not push heavy foods or portions. Salads, rice dishes, yogurts, light meats, protein shakes, fruits and smoothies, protein meal replacements are all good places to begin. They may only be able to take 2 bites, but it's okay since an hour later or even a day later, they may devour a whole salad and chicken tender. 
If they seem to be loosing a significant amount of weight, talking with reason to encourage a unified help for healing, visit a nutritionist or doctor. They don't want to feel weak or cause a scene to draw attention to themselves at the table, so be kind and gentle. They want to get better and you may have to help them realize the need at some point for guidance. 

Why can't they just push through it?
In many ways they are, by not freaking out, remaining focused and not wanting to just die. These attacks engage our entire essence. It is Body, Mind, Spirit and Soul. Our healing must address and involve every part of us. I dare you to tell a laboring woman to pipe down, suck it up buttercup, sit still, just zone out the pain. What they can do is pray and breath through it knowing it will pass soon.

I remember being at a New Year's Party with friends and the neighbors started popping off huge fireworks right outside at 8pm. It just startled me and being in a more sensitive state of mind, it triggered me...and I love fireworks and glady sit under them. Immediately my body jumped, I sat as still as I could taking calm breaths, kept playing our card game, sipping on my water and then my stomach began to gurgle and I had to quickly excuse myself to the bathroom. Sorry, but no one wants to have to go #2 in any other toilet than your own, much less have diarrhea and gas cramps that keep you there longer than a normal potty break. I was so embarrassed. I had tried so hard to not allow it to escalate to this point in my body, but I had no control over it, yet I was able to control my mind and spirit and remain calm and trusting that God had me in His care and grace. A few minutes passed and I returned to the group and my sweet husband had already refilled my water cup and grabbed me a blanket that was on the chair. He had told them my stomach had been a little upset lately. So, there was nothing I needed to ask for or share when I sat back down. I enjoyed the remaining hours with our friends. 
Had a given into my fears, I would have never even gone out knowing my sensitivity to all things during that season. Fear of the fear can be such an entrapment. Instead, I chose to hope God would help me, and even though I had a mild attack, God was my help and shield, pouring out grace over my evening. It was a great night of resolve, trust and faith. 
I pray this helps start some conversations with deeper understanding between you and your loved one. 
For me, the attacks didn't just stop cold-turkey. They lessened in degree and intensity and in timing. Days, then weeks, then months separated the attacks. Praise God for perseverance in the faith, to run out the race set before us. I found the more I worshiped and learned to still my soul, and even laugh again, rediscovering the new self, the less waves crushed me and began to lift me.
In closing, if you are the one under attack, consider yourself hugged and understood from someone who understands. You are not alone, there are many who get it. Let your faith and hope be your power as you walk each day with joy and faith, relying on the One who conquered death on the Cross. He is risen and alive, and He is with you in every breath. Let His grace consume your soul and flood your mind. I pray I have been able to describe  well your current anguish so that your loved one has a better sense of what you may be thinking and feeling. Each attack is as different as each person, so I know this can't describe everything for everyone, but hopefully it's a starting place to get the conversation started.
If you are the loved one, living life with someone experiencing these attacks, I pray the things I have shared of my own experience helps you better relate to what they are going through with their whole being. All illness and attacks on our bodies, hearts, soul and minds are frightening. Unknown territory always is. When the attacks continually repeat, it's exhausting and embarrassing, often debilitating. Show love, compassion and empathy. Stay healthy yourself and pray, pray, pray. You are going to carry a greater burden during this season as you hurt for your loved one and help in practical ways to manage daily life. Everyone will be tired and edgy, which is why you both must dig deeply into The Word, hang tight, worship and breath together along the valley floor and have fun together. Live life choosing joy, faith and love to not give Satan a foothold, rooting bitterness and defeat. 
There are many resources out there to help you, so keeping researching and seeking help. Most importantly, dive into Healing Waters and feast daily on Daily Bread! You are loved! God sees you and hears you! His grace is enough! 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV

YOU are BRAVER and STRONGER than you realize!

SCUBA & FAITH

While I haven’t met a vacation spot I didn’t love, I truly love the beach! The sounds of the crashing waves, the smell of the salty air, dolphins jumping topside, soft sugary sand between your toes…yummy to all the senses! Our family vacations have always centered around beach destinations and just to be fair, we mix in the mountains because we love them too, but the ocean has always had our heart.

My husband was SCUBA certified in 1994 soon after we married. He’s a thrill seeker and since I was just fine snorkeling above him. I couldn’t imagine all that could go wrong breathing 100’ below the surface, so I remained a snorkeler…until 2003, when he begged me to try this underwater world. It was our 10 year wedding anniversary and my Dad generously gifted us his week in Kauai. So, I did it! Now, I would be able to experience what my new hubby said was a grand adventure beneath the surface. 

It was nerve racking, scary and yet painfully beautiful. With pinkies locked together, we set off to explore the deep blue. I was too nervous to be relaxed and really enjoy it. The equipment was heavy and awkward. Then, there were all the risks of SCUBA. Children as young as 10 years old can get certified so it’s a pretty safe sport however, you do need to be aware of your depth and air supplies as you enjoy this new world, otherwise, yes, you can hurt yourself.

Our next SCUBA vacation in Cozumel was a much better experience. While I was nervous, I was more familiar with the gear and the water was amazing! (We still locked pinkies!) Before I knew it, we were swimming along at 100’ taking inane expected the awkwardness. Cozumel’s waters are full of lush colorful reef domes. Colorful fish of every size and shape darted around us in curiosity to this human fish in their space, lobsters and eels peeking out of their holes, turtles gliding by and barracudas sizing us up with their little teeth striking out of their jetted jaws. The sharks? Sleeping peacefully on the ocean floor. This underwater world was quiet, colorful, vast and graceful. You are weightless even though the moment you break the surface to return to land, the weight is almost more than you can handle.

Despite the dangers, awkward equipment, the personal cost to dive into the beautiful blues, we have the privilege to see, hear, touch and be a part of an amazing under water world that you simply cannot comprehend from the shores. It takes gearing up and going under in the cool crisp waters for yourself to know the ocean crackles, to be amused by the glittering and twerking of fish, to feel like you’re looking for lost Nemo as you spot Dory just off the reef. There is nothing like it! 

The same is true as we gear up to dive into the magnificent life of faith God has planned for us. Standing on the shore doesn’t allow you to see this other world. You must get into the waters to see, feel and hear what is below the surface. No one can do it for you. Getting into the waters by faith allows you to see what was once unseen and unfathomable. Faith opens our eyes to a whole other world of risk, adventure, beauty, peace, sights and sounds. At first it will be awkward and nerve-racking yet thrilling. It’s new. But God, He has created this amazing life of mind-blowing adventures. Even when it’s scary, awkward…He extends His pinky to you to lock on to. He leads us beside the still waters. He equips us with all we need for a faith filled life. The more you step into the Water of deep faith, the more familiar it will be and your appreciation, trust and eyes be exposed to vast levels you could otherwise never had experienced and enjoyed. There is nothing else like it!! Dive deep!!! 

"But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus." 

Matthew 14:27-29NIV

Thankful for Being Perfectly Imperfect

November is the traditional month of Thanks-giving. Social media fills the airways of stories and events in people's lives and in history that are filled with giving thanks, where they were blessed beyond measure, given or won something they couldn't imagine or saved from something that could have destroyed them but didn't. This is true for me too. Every November, like everyone else, I reflect daily on the blessings God has poured out on me. The list is nearly endless. From family to friends, to provisions, to the active and real presence of my Lord, I give abundant thanks from each glory to glory.
Thanksgiving comes naturally in the midst of the current goodness or blessing but sometimes our thanksgiving comes from a place of deep pain or heartache. We are thankful to no longer be in pain anymore. We are thankful to have been saved from something, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. Remembering these moments are bittersweet. Painful remembrances yet remembered for the redeeming love that brought us through them. Bittersweet.
As many of you know from reading or hearing of my own testimony of God's refining rescue in my own life, November is that month of bittersweet reflection for me. So many times in God's Word He tells us to "remember" and "give thanks in all circumstances." As much as we want to forget times of pain in our lives, the valleys we had to crawl through served to build our spiritual muscles, the fires that burned us, didn't consume us but purified and refined us. I would never choose to walk through another valley or be tossed into a firery pit so it behooves me to take personal inventory of my life to make sure I am doing all I can to stay out of them. 
Like Paul, I asked the Lord to remove the thorn from my flesh several times and the Lord saw it best not to. I can't help but think God wanted him to feel that twinge of a reminder lest he ever forget that bittersweet place in his life when God saved him. This was true for me too. I have moments in my heart (literally and figuratively) I feel that twinge from the remnants of the thorns that once pierced me.
I am brought back to September 2008 when our ladies Bible study was starting back up for the Fall Semester. The study was He Speaks to Me. For months I felt like I hadn't connected to God. I felt too busy, but a good busy. I just wasn't hearing Him and this study was advertised for just a person. I was breaking my back to be the perfect Wife, Mom, Friend, Church Servant. I was actually breaking my heart, and God's. My anxiety and perfectionism drove my high expectations of myself, as well as trying to be a perfect reflection of a Proverbs 31 woman who served her family, friends and community with perfection. Only to find myself frustrated and failing constantly. If I got one thing right, I missed 3 others. If I got the Wife of the Week Award, I got Worst Mom Award the same week and visa versa. I would get up and start the house cleaning, pushing the kids out the door for school so I could get to working and then feel the shame and loss of missing what I really wanted the morning to look like with a hot cooked breakfast, hugs and prayers. Or I would spend all day cleaning the outside yard and doing laundry only to be too exhausted to play with them when they got home...and then there were the bathrooms and picking up and cleaning the floors, running errands, trying to squeeze in a devotional and on and on. Sooooo much to accomplish and I just couldn't get it all done. I felt like I was on autopilot trying to get it "perfectly perfect" each new day. I thought, "One day...."  I would get this whole Wife, Mom, Friend, Christian woman life right...but that day never came. And no wonder I felt distant from God. I was too busy with my own list to consider His. I was so concerned about my own perfectness, I missed His perfectness. I feared my failures instead of fearing my God.
My thoughts screamed at me constantly to try harder and do this and that. There was no silence or rest to hear what God had to say. And yes, I worshiped throughout the day, jamming out to my Christian music. And yes, I prayed as I thought of someone of something I needed to pray for. And yes, I attempted to do my Bible study lessons for the week only to cram in a few days at a time to make sure I didn't show up without answers. I wanted to reflect God perfectly and my intentions perfectly, so I made sure that by all outward appearances, I had it together, proving that as a Christian woman, I...we...really could "do all things in Christ who is my strength." Phil 4:13. However, it was breaking my heart, and God's. 
I couldn't seem to find my own way out of this performance cycle and God stepped in to give me a hand. My study book actually went missing during Week 2 homework. How embarrassing is that?! I lost my book? After two weeks? Good grief!! I did not want to go back to class but I was responsible for leading the worship time each week. I had to still show up. Ohhhh, I thought of excuses to hide, but I wasn't going to lie in order to hide. Filled with complete embarrassment, I went and sat with blank paper and pen. My teacher and friend offered me a weekly email with the Scripture verses that I could look up and write my thoughts down and I would at least be able to stay on topic with the ladies. 
The first day I sat down with her email, shaking my head, I opened my Bible to read and reflect on each scripture. I felt a small stirring in my spirit. Each day that week, I remember feeling excited to look up the next set of scriptures. I realized that over the years, I had gotten really good at doing Bible studies, without the Bible. I dug deep and took into consideration what the author was trying to teach that day, making sure I got the right answers and not really ever needing to open my own Bible to honestly find what God was trying to say. (One reason I don't like when authors write the verse for you in the study book, replacing the need for using a Bible. It spiritually spoon fed me. I didn't have to work for anything or discover the Living Water personally. I got sips of theirs.) I had forgotten or maybe gotten too distracted or maybe even too lazy or too busy and was forgetting who's word I needed to discern and dig deep into.
God's Word is a healing balm and it refreshes the soul. I began to thirst for it every morning, even if I didn't get to it till the afternoon time. Oddly enough, the very last week, I found my book. It had been kicked under the computer desk, don't know how or by whom, and I just had to laugh. God had obviously taken it away from me so that I could truly do a Bible study. I realized then, I needed to be in His Word, literally.
Eventhough my desire for His Word was ignited again, I still was attempting the "perfectly perfect" life of a Christian woman of God who did all things with joy, grace and perfection evidenced by her well kept home, healthy meal planning, well behaved and respectful children, a smiling and adoring husband with a  smile on her face all the while I was screaming and dying on the inside of all my trying. My heart was failing. My spirit was defeated. My mind was spinning. And yes, I was still praying but my prayers were for help...to be perfect in all that I felt I needed to be and do. And yes, I still worshiped the God who was my source of all....perfection. My strength in my weakness. Oh how deceptive and slick evil is.
One day, December 6, 2008, God turned off my autopilot and put me in neutral. All of a sudden, my life had lost control. The tight hold I had on my life was gone. Through a very dark season of fear, crying out from the depths of darkness, trying still to keep the face of faith on, I quickly found myself in a pit of nothingness. I imagined myself being overcome by the quicksand of life, slowly sinking further and suffocating in the end. I was drowning in my soul. I saw no rescue. I felt no peace. My hope was breaking to pieces just like my heart. My faith was shaking just as my mind was tossed back and forth. 
But why?!? At the time, I didn't understand why this was happening. My whole aim in life was to do my best at being a "perfect" Christian woman of God. To make the right choices and do all the right things for God, for myself, for my family, for others. And there it was. I was trying to be perfectly perfect at being perfect, concerned with how I appeared to God and to others rather than being concerned with how I appeared to God and how God appeared to me. My life was a series of To-dos that needed to be done with perfection instead of a life of To-be that needed to be done for for the glory and pleasure of a Perfect God. 
Satan constantly reminded me that I was imperfect, never able to measure up to what I thought I should be. I felt shame, embarrassment and guilt at the truth of this knowing I could never get it all perfectly right. But God.... He stepped in and reminded me that I am perfectly imperfect in His name. For the first time, I felt grace and mercy at the truth of knowing that while I could never do all things or be all things perfectly, that in Him, I could stand before Him and rest knowing that I was made perfect in Him through my imperfections. 2 Corinthinas 12:9-10 "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 
God took back control of my life and with His gentle yet firm hand, He lifted me out of that darkness and set me back on level, steady ground, my sure foundation! I felt my breath again. For the first time, I felt perfectly perfect, to be imperfect. My thirst for Living Water refreshed my heart, soul and spirit day after day. I woke up early in the morning to give Him my first fruits. I began and ended my days in thanksgiving for His healing grace, His strength despite my weakness, His grace despite my selfishness and pride, His unconditional love and acceptance for this imperfect girl. 
I no longer sought perfectionism in me. I no longer feared failure. I could finally find rest in my Perfect God. The shattered pieces of my heart, soul and mind were gathered together, and refined by His Fire. I realized how "me" centered my life had become when all my heart really wanted was a "God" centered life. The Pharisees had the same issues. While they knew God, they lived life according to the rules and to-dos and completely missed worshiping and knowing God's Himself, knowing His love personally, living with hope, joy, peace, love, trust and anticipation. They were on autopilot to stay the course and obey the rules, doing all kinds of good and making sure they played the part of righteous ones well. They missed the mark and lived a "me" centered life even though I bet if you asked them, they would probably would have said it was most certainly a "God" centered life.
It took months of prayer, being in God's Word consistently, meditating on His Word, embracing His love and forgiveness, seeking accountability, desiring His will for my day and not my own, to finally and truly be free from the bondage of "me" and becoming free indeed!!!! 
While the valley has thorns and the fire leaves scars, they are beauty from the ashes to my heart and soul. They remind me of God's great love and compassion for His children and how He desperately desires us to know Him, not just know of Him. Not just do things and be things in His name, but to do and be things because of His name. 
If I want to boast about God and experience His power resting on me, then I will "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses," and learn to be "content in my weaknesses." Not easily done when you are a recovering perfectionist!!! But it is possible with a healthy dose of humility and God's power!!! I think I had it backwards all those years...I was concerned about displaying the potential of Me as a Child of God instead of the perfectness and potential of my God. My Potential vs. God's Possible....I am perfectly imperfect but God is what is perfectly perfect. Satan wants us to only see the truth of who we are to shame us and cause us to drown in our own quicksand, but God stands as our Protector and Shield reminding us that in Him, we have been given power in Jesus Name to overcome and enable us to be more than conquerers in His Name. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus and nothing can separate us from His hold on us! (Romans 8) I am imperfect, "all have sinned" so Satan is right. But God....He redeems us and washes us clean, making us perfectly imperfect in Him! "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13 
I hope this reaches the drowning heart of another person who feels like they can hardly breath. You feel like you are on autopilot. You are running so fast that you don't feel like your feet are touching the ground sometimes and if they do, it is because you have fallen hard. May I encourage you to take a deep breath and breath in the grace of God's overpowering love and exhale all your efforts. You think you can keep going and doing all the good busy stuff you want or need to do and do it all in the name of Jesus, but if you don't stop and place yourself into His care and purpose of being and doing, and get Him truly at the center of you, He will gently but firmly save you from yourself, but let me tell you, the fear of that darkness will not quickly be forgotten. Much better that you heed warnings that you are approaching quicksand before you find yourself suffocating in it. It is much better to fall on your knees than to be brought to your knees...I promise you!!! And yet how bittersweet that once we have been on our knees, we will once again stand!!!!! Bruised and blistered, yes... but not destroyed!! Refined, not refused!! Loved, not lost!!

" But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; " 

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

If you have lost your thirst for the Word...if you feel like you do not have control over your days...if you feel like you are going to scream...if you feel like God is far away...if you feel there is no hope and you are sinking in quicksand...if you feel alone and forsaken...you feel like a complete failure...may I gently and firmly remind you that both God and Satan are at work in your life and you have to decide who's voice you will listen to and believe. Satan is the Father of Lies and God is the Father of Love. Satan wants to destroy you from the inside out but God will heal you from the inside out. God has not forsaken you. You are perfectly imperfect and greatly loved. You are not alone. You are not a lost cause. There is a Redeemer name Jesus Christ who has come to set the captive free and it is in Him you will find your strength, joy, peace beyond measure. Reach out and take hold of Him again. You must pray, put on your armor and fight for your life in Christ. Right now, there is a battle for your heart, soul and mind that you cannot see but you are probably feeling so you must believe that you are more than a conquerer. Victory has already been declared on the Cross and it is yours to receive! You do not need to give up the fight here on earth to end the chaos and pain. Our Redeemer lives. Peace is here now! The King of kings and Lord of lords, the Ruler over all things, people and principalities stands strong guarding His children. Get into His Word, the Living and Active, 2 edged sword, and let Him heal and help you out of the darkness. His "word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105 You cannot give up or quit. You must replace your "me" centeredness with God at the center again. Fall on your knees and cry out to Him in all honesty and faith, believing He is who He says He is and can do just as He has promised in His Word. Do not doubt His love or ability, and do not doubt that you are worthy of His love. God will be your rescue but you need to do your part and be willing to be rescued. Pray. Seek. Believe. Hope. Surrender. Reclaim your life in Him and live the life He has planned and purposed just for you. Look up Friend and stand once again on steady ground, a Sure Foundation because He is that Foundation!! If you do not have the strength to reach up, then reach out and ask for help. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf but God also calls others to do the same. You may have been too much into yourself to look out an notice the hands and feet of God reaching out to you. Open your eyes and see that the Lord is good and He is near! Do not be afraid to take off the Perfect Mask and reveal yourself to others. Be authentic and real. Be careful who you trust and seek out those who will love you through Christ's love and care. Remember, you are strongest when you are the weakest, it just may not feel that way yet!! 

"And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:6-7

My name is Michele, and I am a Perfectly Imperfect Woman of God!

Being a Permanent Temporary Resident

One year....I can do that! When God called us to make a big move in our lives to The Keys, I literally said those words (AFTER He confirmed the move in my heart which was AFTER I said NO WAY-see other previous posts for the whole story). God was gracious in showing us that yes, we needed to make this move, yes there was a plan laid out for us and yes, we were to go...just for a year. Like all things temporary: our hair color, braces, potted plants, learner's permits, they are temporary elements before a permanent placement. That's how I looked at this big move, a temporary move.
It all happened so fast and at first, my thoughts were anxious...Was this really God's plan? Would this huge move trigger anxiety in me? What if a hurricane comes or something devastating happens while we are there, and we don't even know one person there? Was there a hospital within an hour drive? Were there even churches in The Keys? If so, what church would we partner with? Would I be accepted? Would the schools accept the kids academically and socially? Would we face greater temptations in Island Life? Should we or Would we make any friends? And most importantly, was there a Starbucks nearby?! (Just being funny, kinda!) I have to admit thinking on these things did not exactly portray a Philippians 4:8 thinker.  All these thoughts filled my nervous soul and the spiritual battle was on. 
Our Sweet Savior assured me that it was okay, He was in control and He was with us no matter. His grace would be sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and He is before all thing and in Him, all things hold together (Colossians 1:17). I meditated and held tightly to theses promises throughout the process. I am not sure Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were concerned about their temporary place in the fiery furnace (Daniel 3) or Daniel when He was placed into the lion's den or Joseph when he was tossed into the well or placed in jail. Instead, they had their eyes on their God, believing He would provide. Their temporary eyes lived in a permanent world, the eternal one with Christ on His throne. God was faithful to me too. He is a faithful God! The Holy Spirit guided my thoughts and centered my mind back on Him. Joy and anticipation soon trumped my fears and worry! My spirit was energized! Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! Our temporary life in Florida was going to be okay. 
It was sad to leave my amazing friends and family in Texas knowing how much they all loved us and actually gave us strong shoulders to be able to stand on here. Not making new friends here would be okay. I thought it might even be a distraction from "the plan" and I am such a shy girl that I thought it would be too hard, take too long to establish relationships here only to leave soon after. Besides, it's temporary. But God...
In His graciousness, He brought to us the most precious people! On our first house hunting trip here, He led us to a Pastor who just happened to be up at the church and opened the door to our knocking. We shared our journey and testimony, He listened and prayed over us. Once we arrived here, He placed before us wonderful teachers and amazing Godly friends. 
And within the first few weeks here, He already gifted into our life amazing friends. God loving, Christ affirming, real people, with real hearts for loving God and loving others. I thought, "God!!! What are You doing? This was not "the plan!!!" Of course...it was not my plan, but His. They certainly do not distract me away from "the plan" rather they affirmed it and enhanced it. Embracing us, they strengthen me and have loved on my family. They are ministers of God's sweetness and certainly display what it means to be family in Christ. Wow. Honestly, it was bittersweet at first. How wonderful to have been blessed so richly and yet how hard it will be to leave these precious people. 
I began trying to figure out how to be a good "temporary" friend. So I asked God on one of our walks together. He spoke so clearly into my spirit...your whole life is temporary Michele. No matter where you live, it is temporary. Your residence is here with Me. Wow. This was no more temporary than my hometown in Texas had been. My Home is in the Heartland of God. 
This earth and anywhere in it where I get my mail is temporary and He has called us to be deeply rooted in Him, established in Him (Jeremiah 17:7-8) loving and serving Him with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strengths (Deut 10:12-13). I don't have to figure out how to serve and live and love temporarily here. I just have to embrace these temporary elements of loving God and seeking after Him here on this temporary earth until He places me in my permanent place in Glory which is forever and ever. God has assured me (probably rolling His eyes at me), that He is bigger than my capacity to accomplish "the real plan." Lord, more of You and less of me. 
I have found a new sense of freedom in living for today and not in a countdown of sorts. Whether we end up back in Texas in 6 months or 6 years, the calendar will not be my guideline on how I choose to live my "temporary life." I choose to live for Eternity's sake in this temporary place called earth.
Has God asked you to do something that seems difficult? Has He asked you to make a move in your own life? It may not be a literal move of address, but of something in your heart, soul or mind? When we dig deep into knowing that ultimately our lives really are but a vapor and that where we are is temporary, can't we dare to love and serve and live without restrictions of our limitations knowing that God certainly is more than capable to provide these temporary elements to accomplish The Kingdom Plan here on earth as He prepares our permanent place beside Him? 
May we see these blessings and provisions as temporary elements He gives us to help us accomplish for His plan and glory what is eternally His plan? May our cup overflow with blessings so that we may bless overflowing. It all starts when we surrender to His plan and remember that God is in control and near. As the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf, our prayers and pleas join with His keeping our minds centered on the Cross. It's mercy, grace, provision and salvation. We can whole heartedly live permanently in this temporary place, loving God and loving others just as He has commanded. THAT is THE Plan.

God, thank You for going before us and walking with us. Help our hearts and minds to remember that while this life is temporary, that we are also to live it permanently, with eternal eyes. When we try to figure out our plan, remind us of Yours! Help us to be faithful servants of these temporary elements here on earth as You prepare for all Your children to live in their eternal home, forever and ever with You!! Create in us a clean heart that we can hear You clearly and serve You humbly. Increase in us our heart's boundaries to embrace all that You have for us. We worship and adore You. Amen