I'm NOT "normal." Living with Hope and not Fear. That's MY normal.

Panic attacks involve sudden feelings of terror that strike without warning. These episodes can occur at any time, even during sleep. A person experiencing a panic attack may believe that he or she is having a heart attack or that death is imminent. The fear and terror that a person experiences during a panic attack are not in proportion to the true situation and may be unrelated to what is happening around them. Most people with panic attacks experience several of the following symptoms:

• "Racing" heart
• Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy
• Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers
• Sense of terror, or impending doom or death
• Feeling sweaty or having chills
• Chest pains
• Breathing difficulties
• Feeling a loss of control

Panic attacks are generally brief, lasting less than 10 minutes, although some of the symptoms may persist for a longer time. People who have had one panic attack are at greater risk for having subsequent panic attacks than those who have never experienced a panic attack. When the attacks occur repeatedly, a person is considered to have a condition known as panic disorder.

People with panic disorder may be extremely anxious and fearful, since they are unable to predict when the next episode will occur. Panic disorder is fairly common and affects about 2.4 million people in the U.S., or 1.7% of the adult population between the ages of 18 and 54. Women are twice as likely as men to develop the condition, and its symptoms usually begin in early adulthood.

What Is the Outlook for People With Panic Disorder?

Panic disorder can be successfully treated, and sufferers can go on to lead full and satisfying lives. With appropriate treatment, nearly 90% of people with panic disorder can find relief. Unfortunately, many people with panic disorder do not seek treatment. Without treatment, panic disorder can have serious consequences and can severely impair quality of life. Complications of untreated panic disorder include.

• Avoidance. A person may discontinue any activities that seem to trigger a panic attack. This can make a normal work and home life nearly impossible.
• Anticipatory anxiety. This refers to anxiety that is triggered merely by thinking about the possibility of having an anxiety attack.
• Agoraphobia. This is the fear of being in places or situations in which an attack may occur, or from which escape would be difficult or highly embarrassing. This fear can drive people to avoid public places and crowds, and may even progress to the point that the person will not leave his or her home. About one-third of people with panic disorder develop agoraphobia.
• Claustrophobia. The person fears enclosed spaces. 

(The above information was taken from WebMD)

This is the part of me that most people don't know. Hi. My Name is Michele and I used to be The What If Queen, living under the bondage of fear. Today, I live in the freedom of Christ's healing grace. I am known as the shy, peace-maker girl, so I can understand why most people would not or don't understand how I struggled with a life of fear which ultimately led to increasing panic and anxiety attacks. 
God allowed this terrifying season in my life to refine me in the pit. With the intercession prayers and strength of others, counseling and the hard desperate seeking of my own, I found my heart...a heart that beats for God alone. The pit was my journey up! 
This is why I started blogging and writing. It is a documented journey and testimony of the faithfulness of a loving Lord and Father that I pray, pray, pray God would be honored and glorified through. As He presses into my heart, it is my hope to be an instrument of hope, joy, faith, of transparency through these writings. In all I do, think and say, to God be all the glory!

For those of you that struggle with "something," be it panic, anxiety or ptsd from emotional trauma, can I just encourage you for a minute? I get it. I actually prayed the doctors would find something "real" to blame for my struggle. While I was diagnosed with mild SVT, this was a journey with the Lord He allowed to reveal His heart to me by refining mine physically, emotionally and spiritually in The Fire. Compared to a physical trauma, the emotional traumas are so easily "hidden." I have had every single one of those symptoms and outlooks cited from WebMD. It is hard. It is scarey. It does hurt deep. It is embarrassing. But God...He is our strength and order in the chaos. His breath becomes ours. 
You need to know that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK and ESPECIALLY FEEL!!! It has been said to me, "You just need to trust God more" and "You just have to have more faith." "Remember God will give you all you need" and "It's really not that big of a deal, just do it (whatever "it" is." "You're overreacting." "Everyone can do it what's the big deal?!"
While these things can all be true to a degree, they are not absolutes to the truth. People don't see is the triple amount of prayer and preparations I put into situations and thoughts throughout my day that keep me centered in my spirit, heart and mind. I am healed and yet at the same time, have complete dependance on the work of Christ in and through my life, as well as physical and emotional boundaries that help me manage myself. It's not just the mind that needs to have self control, it's also the physical body. This season also taught me the importance of healthy eating and exercise, and the importance of fellowshiping with like-minded people who love you with the Love of Christ. Laughter is so good for our souls!! 

I am someone who trusts God with all my heart and mind and soul. I believe God is who He says He is and will do all He has said He will and can do. At the same time, I am not going to stop wearing my seatbelt, or jump out of a plane knowing God will catch me, or shall I stand under a boulder and think with God's strength I can catch it. There are limits that rule reason and faith that helps navigate what is truth and wisdom and that which is not! Thankfully, God has healed me from the bondage of panic attacks/disorder, and to a watching world, they think I am perfectly "normal." I have no problem telling you I am perfectly imperfect, and if we all admit we are, well, then we'd all be normal, right?!?

We so easily excuse people with obvious physical ailments and somehow are able to reconcile their "avoidances" but with someone like me who it's "in their head" they just need to "have more faith." There is sooooo much more involved than "nervous thoughts." A "normal" person cannot understand anymore than someone can understand the loss of a child who hasn't themselves experienced such a devastation. And yet we judge according to our own realities and expectations. 
I have longed for many years to be the outgoing, bold, confident, try anything, go-getter kind of girl, but it's not me. Part of this journey has been about me meeting...me. Getting to know the woman God created me to be even if at times I don't like being her, I know there is a plan and purpose for the mess that I am, and the good news...God ain't done with me yet! I have learned to accept (for the most part, even though there are god days and bad), the person He created me to be. God, help us see each other through Your eyes of love and hope."All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all have issues, seen and unseen. As I pray for transparency and courage to share my heart and testimony with you through the instrument of this blog, I do not want this to be as much about me as I want this to be more as an encouragement from me...despite me.

Healing takes time physically and emotionally. Going through this very difficult season has blessed me in the greatest way. Desperation caused me to fall into the pit of God's grace. Collapsing into the arms of my God, His breath has warmed me. His arms became my safe resting place. There is no peace like Him. I am so thankful for His very great Love and His tender mercy and compassion. He is patient , steadfast and faithful. 
Yes, there are days my thorn wiggles and I feel the tinge of pain...heart palpitations, the intestinal upsets, the flush and faint feelings, the fatigue physically and emotionally, all the while confident in the strength of my weakness, being strong in the Lord, with a faith that says mountains can move!!! I am continually healing in Him.I thank God even still for the reminder to remain close to Him, trusting and depending on His control and grace. , the palpitations, the intestinal upsets, the flush and faint feelings, the fatigue physically and emotionally, alle while being strong in the Lord, with a faith that says mountains can move!!! I am continually healing in Him.

I refuse to listen to the lies of Satan that says, "You are so weak." "You are worthless." "You are incapable of doing anything great." "You cannot represent God well with someone who has "mental" issues." "You are faithless and a coward." "If people only knew..."

Friend, let me tell you....GREATER is HE that is in you than he who is in the world! You ARE more than a conqueror!!! You HAVE been fearfully and wonderfully made! God goes BEFORE you and God will NEVER fail you!! All you need is hope, faith and love in The One True God. And...I might add...others! You cannot battle this alone. Back in the pit to those who walk with me now, they are instruments of continued grace, love , support and encouragement! 
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:35, 37 (ESV)
Friend, be patient with yourself, God is patient with you. He sees your heart! God knows your heart and not matter what other think or say, let there be NO condemnation in Christ. He will heal your broken pieces and gather you unto Him. You may become weary in the fight, and desperately thirsty in the dry wilderness but God never grows weary and is an endless stream of Living Water! Stand firm! It is in your weakness that He is your strength. He will be your refuge to where you can "run." When the walls around you and darkness closes in, remember that you are not crushed or forsaken. God is doing a work in you and will not give up on you! 

Now, some truth in love...if you are avoiding, hiding out, afraid or choosing to be in "that pit," you must admit to yourself that you are in a pit, dig deep into the depth of your heart and spirit and move into the presence of the Lord where He will scoop you up in His shield. He will be your rescue but you must first acknowledge the darkness and move towards His healing Light. His blood shed over you is already your victory, It's time to start living in it again!! 
One step at a time, one day at a time, step out in faith. Do not get discouraged when others think you are 'silly" or "ridiculous." Trust in the Lord to know and guard your heart. You must not continue to sit and crater under the weight of shame and fear. You are worth dying for and it is not His plan for your spirit to live dying inside. God is LIFE and He wants you to have it abundantly, complete with joy!!! You will have Joy again!!! By faith, will you face today and tomorrow with confidence that you are not alone?
  

Thank You Lord God, my Abba Father for knowing me unlike any other. When I feel lowly, you remind me how special I am. When I feel afraid, You are there to hold me near at perfect peace. When I feel like I have lost my mind, You remind me of the paths that lead me to You with Philippians 4:8 thinkings. Sudden moments of terror that flood my soul, You walk on the water, holding my hand to the shore. God, I dare not test you nor be foolish nor do I want to limit You so I am praying once again for the faith to continue walking in faithfulness to You, knowing wherever You are, there will be my peace. Thank You for Your Light that shines on my path from darkness. There is none like You and I am nothing apart from You. Thank You Lord for Your strength in my weakness. I am asking that You will reveal Yourself in a mighty way to me and my brothers and sisters in Your name who are feeling defeated and purposeless. Will You strengthen them? Will You draw them so close to You they too can feel the warmth of Your very breath over there face? May the comfort of Your arms and the tender love of Your heart be tangible to them today. Thank You Lord for Your grace. Thank You Lord for the victory that is ours because of Your Son Christ Jesus. Thank You Lord for the mustard seed!! I want to be the sum of a vineyard full! Rooted, nourished and protected in the name of Jesus, I am YOURS forever, I love You Lord!!! amen!! 

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; " 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:1-4

Crazy Water and Still Water...I love them BOTH!!!

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." 

These words of Psalm 23 filled my heart, soul and mind today as I took my morning walk, praying, asking, searching and listening. And He was faithful to answer! 
Recently, I took a little Beach Day and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the beach. The waters where I live are certainly nothing to brag about, especially after encountering a slab of tar, but the cooler water, constant crashing of the waves, and salty smell were the perfect little get away for a day of refreshment and chillaxing!
I LOVE beaches, so I am eager to kick off the shoes and get my toes in the water! For a walk along the water, you can really only go in to your knees, because as you beach people know, when a wave comes, it's gonna hit ya higher! Waist deep and you're sure to get a smack in the face!!! I have discovered walking in the waves makes for a great leg work out too! Walking in sand is a lot more laborious than walking on dry ground. Beachside days, in one sense, is relaxing and yet at the same time kicks the adrenaline up a little with a little fun, hard work and a little fear. The waves are unpredictable in strength and size and they can carry you further than you planned to go. I am constantly monitoring the kids yelling, "Come back this way!!! You've gone too far!"  

Evidently the storm in Mexico was causing greater pressures in our winds and waters which caused thundering waves that pounded our Texas shore. Blankets holding snacks and shoes had to be moved several times further up the sand as the waves tossed up sudden waves into the dry spots, so I thought they were anyway! I ended up having to keep an eye on the waves to make sure they didn't invade my things, making wet what was to be dry and...those sneaky waves can carry off things like flip flops, toys, glasses, etc! It was relaxing, but it was also work. We will call it High Maintenance  Waters. Lakes on the otherhand, Still Water!! NICE!!! It's just a different kind of rest.

Then, there was today, walking by my bayou. How still this water was. How lush the grass that lined it's banks. Turtles sunbathing along the logs would quickly slip into the water causing a small ripple of the water for a few short seconds, but quickly, the stillness resumed. My Granny Beagle at the beach was jumping waves, running in and out. Here, she was gliding in the water and would slip out and just walk calmly along the bank. It was just as a relaxing and peaceful, but less stressful.
I was certainly NOT thinking of Psalm 23 at THE BEACH!!! But today, God prompted me to the old familiar Psalm 23 verses...The Lord is my Shepherd...He makes me lie down in green pastures. Not dry ones. Not sandy ones, but green ones. That tells me there is nourishment present and comfort provided as I lay on the ground. He leads me beside still waters. I can't help but wonder if it's because it's just less stressful...you don't have to worry about being overcome by waves, or being carried away!! He restores my soul! How would that happen if I am constantly having to check on my stuff that it hasn't been saturated or swept away or blown away!?!  Hallelujah for still waters!!!

When we are in the midst of what resembles standing out in the ocean, waist deep, sand in our eyes and stuff flying in the air, may we ask God to bring us out of the unpredictable waters and lie us down in the green pastures, beside the still, predictable waters.

 God, You are our Peace and our Rest. Thank You for the many ways You bless us with rest. I could sit for days Lord, amazed at the wonder of Your creation on the banks of a lake, river, or stream equally as I could at any beach's shoreline! I LOVE being in Your waters. God, when life feels out of control and we feel ourselves being knocked around, sand in our eyes, salty taste in our mouth, please draw us out and into Your still waters and green pastures! Thank You Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father! You really are an amazing and practical God!! Thank You for Your Love, Protection, Provision and Care, amen!!!   

   

Those two white boards!!

I know, WOW!! A 3 ft piece of wood. Impressive right? It lays at the front of my garage, just inside the opening. It's not a fancy board. It's cut up and has a few splinters and even has visible marks running up and down it. And yet, there is is in my garage, probably the most valuable thing in the garage in my opinion. Okay, the lock on the door would really be the most valuable/important thing in the garage, but this would be second!!

Beaten up, marked up and even small, it is a crucial piece and it's precise placement is hugely important. The fact that it is a solid piece is what makes it work. Without this small plank of wood, there would be serious problems in the Dickerson Garage!!

So, what does it do? As you can see in the photo (sorry not great quality-I took last night with my phone as God shared this with me), it rests beside the tires of the car. It marks the place of boundary. It holds a place a value. It is a guide. It helps show the way in. There is another board at the front of the garage holding another place of boundary, resting just on the other side of the front tires. Without these boards, as small and insignificant as they may seem, we would have some serious damage. These two boards are strategically placed in our garage to set the boundary for whoever is driving the vehicle as they maneuver it carefully into the garage. The side board is a guide in. It provides protection and help for all the many other belongings to be sure they are not crushed upon entering. The front board lets us know when we have reached the place we need to stop, keeping us from crashing through the wall just a few feet away. As the driver backs in, the focus is on the two boards and nothing else. Therefore, it is crucial the two seemingly insignificant boards remain in their pre-determined placement. Otherwise, things will go bad quickly!!

Last night as we were pulling in the Jeep, I almost panicked when I didn't feel the front board. And it looked like we were about to crush some important stuff!! CAREFUL!!!!! WAIT!!! Let me check the board....ahhh, okay, just one more 1" and we would have reached it. Oh how we need and count on those two boards.

Last night, the Lord showed me how crucial having boards in my life are, for all of us. Something that guides me in, shows me where to center myself, where to stop, how far I can go, where my focus needs to be, something solid that if I bump up against it, I will surely know I have gone off course. The Lord God is just that boundary-giver. He strategically places "boards" in our lives to be our guide. The Holy Spirit is our most important guide, " But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:26-27

Through the Holy Spirit, we are given other boards which may be found in our disciplines: how we follow and obey His commandments and rules, the discipline we have in our prayer life, study times, priorities, where and how we serve; and even through our relationships with family, friends and the world. There are "leaders" in your life, those who have gone before you and those who walk beside you today. God has not left us aimless. If we will just take our eyes off everything around us, focus on the solid boards which set our boundaries, we will find ourselves centered in to the place we need to be...a place we were created and purposed to be.

What boards surround you? Emotional boundaries? Physical boundaries? Spiritual boundaries? If you cannot think of any, or you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, you just might need to stop "driving" and find those boards before you crush something of value, including yourself!

God has a plan for you and has provided a way for you to accomplish it. Set your eyes on Him and find your place of true rest, protection and provision. Obedience brings blessings!! Trust Him and do not be anxious!! 

"So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, which have not benefited those devoted to them." 
Hebrews 13:6-9