When your loved one is suffering. Part One.

Do you have a loved one suffering with panic and anxiety attacks? I am betting that if you do, you are having a hard time understanding what they are going through and don't understand why it won't stop, why they say they think they might die. I know. That was my poor husband as I walked those scary and painful moments in 2008-2009. Honestly, your loved one who is suffering this heartache is asking themselves the same things. They don't get it either. 

As difficult as it has been to share my testimony and experiences with others, my spirit wants to testify to the goodness and sweetness of the Lord. In His grace, I found healing and the truest of love and kindness, and mighty, mighty power. But it took going through those dark days to see such pure Light. God's Word is full of testimonies of God's grace, provision and protection. I found such comfort being back in His Word, alive and active it is!! I felt less alone when I read the perils of Job and Paul and so many others. 

This is exactly why I began blogging and writing: to share and encourage. Yes, it's hard to visit those terrors but the hope to encourage and even save a life overshadows and uplifts me right over that pit of despair onto the wings of an eagle, soaring above defeat, shame and embarrassment. God has crossed my paths over the years with sweet Believers who have fallen into the same pits whom we have been able to share each other's journey, many in the middle of a valley. What a joy to celebrate hope and healing in Jesus Name together.

When I am sitting with the person in anguish, we speak the same language and as much as we get it, we don't get it. I liken it to listening to my teen speak calculus or when my husband it calling sports plays. I just don't understand their lingo. It's the same here. Until you have walked in the same shoes, it's a struggle to get it. 

We are able to feel what the other feels and understand the depths of it all, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, when I find myself sitting with the loved one, they really don't get it. The look in their eyes was the same bewilderment my husband had with me many years back. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in my body. 

He couldn't understand when I shut down or quickly fled situations, why I was so exhausted, why I couldn't handle loud noises and big crowds. One of the most painful stings to the heart is the look of weirdness, puzzlement, judgement, nervousness in your loved one's eyes looking back at you in your moment of fear. 

These were the moments "fake it till you make it" were necessary, just to avoid that look. To avoid the pain it pressed like a sword into the depth of me. It slayed me, reminding me of how crazy I was, shame flooding every part of my soul. And if this loved one who had my back looked at my like this and couldn't understand what I was experiencing, how could anyone else, and how much deeper would their look slash my soul? So, we hide, mask and protect. 

Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries and sent me rescue and all the while, I prayed for my husband to have compassion and understanding. He was one of my first subscribers to the blog, learning more about my experience than I was able to verbalize. Also, we had 4 kids running around the house and it wasn't something we just called out and spoke about. I wanted to continue on as normal and stable, conquering and hopeful, calm and collected as a true perfectionist and encourager personality. 

Over time, through healing helps of Christian counseling, natural remedies of essential oils and vitamins, Scripture memory work and meditation, a deep and purposeful prayer life, worshiping without wondering, letting go of perfectionism, accountability of a few trustworthy Sisters in Christ, re-prioritizing my life and schedule, addressing how I was (not) taking care of my body, mind and spirit. All these combined together for the help and healing, overcoming and conquering I experienced against fear. To God be all the power, and glory!

Recently, several loved ones have approached me about my journey, asking for help in dealing with their loved one suffering in anguish. With all my writings focused on the anguished person, I thought I would write to the loved one because I know as many who suffer with panic and anxiety attacks, there are that many more loved ones trying to understand them and help them. 

Lord knows you need the same help, love, hope and encouragement as you deal with the heartache and confusion in dealing with your loved one's current battle. So, in the next blog, I will share with you a few simple helps from my own personal experience in hopes to encourage each person touched by these attacks in compassion and hope.

Meanwhile, meditate and believe on Jeremiah 29:11-13, 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

To God be all our glory, help, hope and praise, amen.

Click Here for When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

Expanding Boundaries: Our Move to Paradise

Josh and I have been married for going on 22 years and many conversations surround the idea of "Would you ever...." or "Wouldn't it be awesome to move to (blank) and live there for a few years?" For years, we have desired to make a big move and take an adventure living on the beach or in the mountains. But for many reasons, we never did. We just dreamed it. Maybe ultimately it just wasn't time yet. Occasionally throughout the years, we would go look at new developments or Open Houses but each time, it never felt right. But God was stirring in us "a move." As much as we wanted to, we didn't want to. We are comfy people who like to be comfy!
Over 10 years ago, Josh applied for a youth ministry job in New Braunfels and that was a daring move in our minds, but by faith we went. The thought of moving out of town seemed too big for Mr & Mrs Comfortable. Then, over the past 2 years specifically, we have been looking for property in a nearby town but nothing ever felt right. It would have been a small move with little change to our lives other than new schools for the kids which we were hoping for. A year or so later, our church announced a new church plant up north from us in another town we like to visit, on the lake. That would be a little bit bigger of a move north but we weren't sure and yet we began looking at houses, seriously this time, not curiously. 
There are 3 other places we always tease about one day, packing it up and moving big. Back in the day (as recent as July 4th of this year) our hearts raced thinking about, dreaming about, "Wouldn't it be awesome to...move to New Braunfels!?" The other place is a small town in New Mexico, or maybe even Colorado! To experience 4 real seasons sounds dreamy! We love the mountains in any season and we love the water- river, lake and beach. Another location we love is the Florida, but that is soooo far and a much bigger move and would be a long shot.
Unlike the younger years when we didn't have kids to think about, that would have been a perfect time to travel, but neither of us had money to do that and at the time, we were young marrieds actively involved in youth ministry at our church and were excited to just start living life at home as the new Mr and Mrs. Now, every decision is first covered in prayer, of course and then we have to consider the family of 6. What about a local church, schooling, the finances, the environment, the distance from medical help, etc.
Our life seemed to shift over this past year and it's almost like crashing waves before the flood. We continuously felt "hit" and felt like the sands under our feet were sinking, and we no longer could get out, and the waters began to rise. We were taking on water. It was then our hearts began to stir at the end of June this year and we felt like God was about to step in and something big was about to happen. And He did. He said, "pack it up and go." We didn't know where or when or if really we would. We prayed fervently for God to show us and give us clarity either way. Practically, it made sense that it would be now, because we have a Senior in the house and it was literally our last chance as a family of 6 to take this family adventure together before we are a family of 5 living together. Spiritually, it made sense cuz we were sinking.
So we prayed (and I began the purging the closets...just incase). We already had a vacation planned for the July 4th weekend in New Braunfels and we "figured" "THAT MUST BE IT!!!" HOW EXCITING!!!! For over 10 years we have served alongside a church there and "figured" that's where we will go. We began looking for houses and made an appointment for 1 tour during our visit. Everyone was eager to get there and we discussed (and prayed) what life would be like there, which church would we join, how it would affect work, our business, our family, our friends, schooling for the kids, cost of living, etc. It would be a bigger move than staying local, but it wasn't too big of a move only being a 3 hour drive away from Houston life, work, family, friends.
The Sunday before we left, Josh woke up and said, "I think we are supposed to move to The Keys." I seriously rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever." He looked at me and and I realized he wasn't joking. I still said, "No Way!" Churches? Hurricanes? Flooding? Sharks? Distance from mainland? Distance from family and friends? NO WAY!!!! He told me to at least pray about it and there was a part of me that wondered if he was just going for one of his dramatic moments and kidding around with me cuz he knew I would be freaked out only to come back with his "just kidding Babe." Ha. Ha...not funny. But I said I would pray, and I did. God, we know You are calling us to pack up and go but we want to be very clear about where. We want to follow where YOU want us to go and not Josh's plan, or mine. Show us and make it crystal clear, give us unity and give me peace especially, that I may not fear this change. We choose to follow You and trust You. Believing You will provide, amen.
I woke up Monday morning and had an excitement in my spirit, about moving...further than 20 min away...further than 2 hours north, further than 3 hours west...further than 16 hours away....all the way to The Keys...24 hours away (driving straight thru!). I was shocked. I shocked myself. I was shocked by God...."really God? The Keys?!? Soooooo far away?!?" We already had the plans for that upcoming July 4th weekend, so we eagerly anticipated some type of closure or clarity. We called and confirmed our appointment with the house the following day and all was good to go. I was hoping God would indeed confirm this was our place. 
The next morning, we loaded up the car and about an hour into the drive there, the realtor called and cancelled our appointment. The owners decided not to move. Wow....okay. Bummer. The drive only got worse when the freeway was shut down and we sat rolling at 10mph for hours only to detour and our 3 hour drive became a 6 hour drive. Everyone was grumpy and tired and yet, we still had our original plans to hang with our wonderful friends! We also couldn't wait to attend "our church" and wouldn't ya know, the Pastor was on vacation, guest Preacher was there, and he spoke about being brave and making moves that God calls you to. Alrighty, 3 strikes, we were out and a word of encouragement to make a big move. God was very clear. While sitting there on their gorgeous porch sipping coffee, in a town we'd love to have called our new home, we booked airline tickets to The Keys, to get our feet and hearts on the ground to pray and confirm what we felt was already set in stone. Surprisingly to me, The Keys didn't seem so terrifying that morning. COUld it really be Paradise over Panic?!? 
The very next week, the kids already had planned a vacation with family in Austin and would be gone, so we flew for our 48 hour confirmation time with the Lord. We flew into Key West and began our search. I will blog next time about God's "more than"  and all His confirmations from the moment we landed, but for now, where we are. Our first stop was Sugarloaf Baptist Church which the Pastor happened to be there and he blessed us with prayer and encouragement to keep moving forward by faith. Bless my heart! Thankfully, joy and anticipation overcame my fear and anxiety. I know most people won't understand that, this is The Keys and Paradise, however, it can also be a huge sense of anxiety for the above mentioned reasons. But there was peace, like a river...or a Key's Beach!!!
We fell in love with this place and Islamorada is now our new home for the year. We thought we would be in the lower keys, but this is it! We had a hard time finding a place which I will blog that part of the journey next time, and we wondered what God would do, and we were fine living in a campground if that's what He was calling us to humble ourselves to do. But, God has "more than" and we are beyond blessed to call this place our home. It's half the size of our last house but it has been perfect for us!! 
We skyped the kids and told them this was it, and they were excited! There was much to do in such a short period of time since the schools here began Aug 18th, a week earlier than Houston schools and they would need to all be registered! Josh met with his boss and explained that we would be moving for the year and was asking for approval to keep his job, we met with church leaders and let them know we would not be able to lead this coming year, and we told family members, friends and our LifeGroup. We are charter members at our church (going on 12 years there) and love every person. We would have loved to have hugged each one good bye (see ya later) but there wasn't a way to do that and we also didn't want to make a big deal about our move. We also didn't want to risk a bragging perception that we were "living the dream and moving to Paradise." Yes, it is true, but it's not exactly this grand adventure of fun. We are not growing a crazy wild hair and picking up to go do something crazy!! This comes with much prayer and concern. That being said, of course...It is a grand move. It is going to be an adventure. It is going to be fun. But it is also coming with a big price...leaving our comfort zones, missing our family, church family and friends, a comfortable life, a safe life, a familiar life, adjusting to a new life, a new culture, new schools, etc. The main thing we have to change which is not a price to pay in a negative way, is renewing our walk with the Lord. We have been uprooted, taken out of our comfort zones and placed in this remote place to seek a near God, to be more desperate on the shores of faith, seeking our faithful God and Father!
We must use this time to reprioritize our priorities. We recognize we must put God back as our first love and do intentional discipleship within each of our own hearts and souls. We must break old habits and well-oiled tendencies and give God all our hearts, our souls and our minds, and walk in such a way that pleases Him, and not negotiates with Him. We must focus on ministering to our own family. That doesn't mean we won't be ministering to others. We have a great love for ministering to others but we need to keep our priorities right: God, family, others. 
We had found ourselves depleting ourselves to others and not having anything left to minister to our own family. This year we know God will be teaching us how to do this right. It's going to be work as we have to break old habits. It's hard to make changes and yet it's necessary. Pruning hurts for the moment but in the end, it's fruitful. We want to be fruitful!
We must first love Him as our personal Lord with all our hearts. We must train up our children in the way they should go. We must not forsake fellowship of The Body and we must serve and love others. Mom and Dad must lead in this example. If we don't share, the kids won't share. If we don't serve, the kids won't serve. If we don't worship, the kids won't worship. As parents, our first mission field is our family. Second is the church. Third is the world. But it must start with us loving God, as our personal Lord and Savior just as He has called us to.  "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God,to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?." Deuteronomy 10:12-13. 
Our journey starts with Love. Continues with Love. Ends with Love.
We serve a very patient and loving God who meets us right where we are!! He knew I needed baby steps and He has patiently and faithfully and tenderly walked with me through each one. And here I am, yes, surrounded by Peace and Paradise and not by panic, praise the Lord Almighty, moving to a place I didn't think I would or could ever truly live. Wow. To see how He has laid out a foundation for us in which we are able to courageously walk it's length and depth where He has parted our waters for us to walk through to solid ground.
I don't know how long we will be there, I just know this is where He has led us. Our Home will always and forever be in a place called Paradise.
What are your boundaries? Your can'ts or wont's? Your wishes and dreams? Where in your life is God giving you opportunities to expand your boundaries? Where in your own life is He stretching you outside your comfort zone? Are you living practically or faithfully? 
Trust me, there is peace when you trust. If we live a practical life, we will have practical results. If we live a faithful life, we will have GREATER faith! That doesn't mean it will be easy. It does means you will have peace. I could go on about the faithfulness of God but I will stop here and say, "Love Him first!! Seek first, the kingdom of God...and remember that He works all things for good!" 

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Physical for Spiritual, Spiritual for Physical

It has happened to me and I have seen it time after time with friends. God uses our physical to get our attention. While this is not an absolute truth I am going to debate out, by way of testimony and encouragement, I am willing to heed the wisdom in Proverbs: " A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:122
So many times I find myself dealing with physical ailments that get me down physically, emotionally and spiritually: headaches, fatigue, weariness, pains, illnesses, etc. There are plenty of books written out there that emotional stresses can make us physically stick and I do know that when our hearts hurt, everything else hurts. Our adrenal glands and hormones get all out of wack, we are less guarded about good nutrition and health and we fall weaker by the day until we find ourselves laid out! We are forced into a time out.
For those of us who are full in our days and don't feel like we have time to stop and rest in light of all that needs to be done, we will push through to the point of breaking to keep going. Do we think we are stronger than God? Even after His fruitful work, He took time to rest. And yet, we fool ourselves that we can do it all and be super humans, accomplishing more in one morning than many do all day! We go, go, all week in our schedules and in our minds that by the end of the week, our minds are spinning, sloshing really and we cannot process a normal  thought to save our life. It's time for a rest!!! 
It's not even all the to-do's of the week, as if we are over-committed while that may be the case for some, but there are just seasons in our life where one area of our life demands more attention for a season and yet we continue on as if we can still manage everything and get through it. But we don't. Something gives. Often, it's something within us. We miss a detail, an opportunity, a help, our health gets weary and our strength to keep pushing, depletes. We not only let someone else down, we let ourself down and guilt amplifies exhaustion. We are a dizzy mess! And you know what else, often when we are "down" we need other people's help...not something easy to accept when you're a Can-Do-It-All girl. Pride check, yep, ouch.
I wonder what God feels when He brings something into our life that needs our greater attention and we simply fit it right into the to-do list that we already have, rather than changing our priorities to align with His? Or if we do have everything in their appropriate priority and yet we don't take time to rest and be still after our days of work. Are we greater than He?
I could certainly keep myself busy between all the kid's volunteering opportunities at their schools, volunteering for all the great ministries at church, keeping my house spotless which would involve full days everyday to keep it clean and laundered and stocked with all it needs to run, lunching with visitors to our class and lunching with each friend, date night with my man each week and prayer, oh I could stay there hours upon every day, writing out encouragement cards for the many in my life who are struggling in some way, oh and keeping myself physically fit and groomed spending hours each day at the gym and salon...and then reading my Bible and getting into good study time....I have spent full weekends gifted from my husband doing just that!! He knows what I love to do in my "free time!" Give me my Bible, Music, Coffee and Quiet and I will be one happy girl!!! I just can't do that every day. One weekend a year is my gift and I love it!! There is just not enough hours in a day to do all these good things we want and wish could be ours!!
But, God has already ordered our days and there is an order we must be obedient to follow. There is a balance and what each of our days look like will be different. Careful not to judge for what God has called another to, it may not be your call and therefore you cannot possibly understand how and where that fits into their life. We assume "those people" do it all. We don't know what they may have had to sacrifice for a time to accomplish what God has called them to for that season. 
Same for us, we must change as the seasons change (Ecclesiastes 3) otherwise we will find ourselves unfit for the change of weather. To every season is a different activity and a different clothing. You may love to snowboard but when summer comes, try as you might, you will exhaust yourself trying to make it down those dry runs! Our bible study class read through Genesis chapter on the Tower of Babel and God scattered their language and their actual selves when they were walking in disobedience. There is wisdom for us there.
One thing we know for sure...we must take time to rest as we work! God worked and rested. Jesus slept. Jesus took time to get alone. He prayed, He healed, He taught, He shared, He was involved in the lives of others and yet He was not consumed by any one thing other than He had His Father's priorities, doing just as His Father asked and did, working and resting.

If today you find yourself a dizzy mess or plain ol' exhausted, check what season God has called for you to be in, getting done what's appropriate and necessary; and if you are prepared for your season, make sure you are finding the balance and priority of God's, taking time to be still, breathing in those deep breaths God has counted out for you. By faith, hope and love, enjoy your season's work and rest!

"but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 30:41

"So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, 10 for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. 11 Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. 12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13 And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account." Hebrews 4:9-13