A Labor of Love

What a glorious birthing it was. A true labor of Love. Just before she arrived, a wave of peace consumed me from the inside and just in the nick of time. A minute later and I may have just freaked out and lost it! Quitting was not an option at this point. There was no turning back...it was time!

Her name? Simulcast. She was a Beth Moore Simulcast! I bet there are some of you who think that sounds ridiculous and yet I have to believe I am not the only who has been part of birthing a women's ministry event like this. The anticipation. The deep breathing. The watching. The waiting. The pain. The thrill. The sacrifice. The emotions. The hope. The faith. The stretch. The push. The birth. She was a labor of Love.

I have noticed a pattern in my walk with the Lord of what I would consider Last Minute callings or inspirations. Days before a Bible study, an epiphany. In the middle of a coffee date, finally wisdom or practical help. Months and even weeks before an event, the call to do it. It's not totally rare, but it is consistent, which I think is rare. I dream of having more time to prepare and double and triple check details and correct errors but a deadline usually comes quicker than I have time for. Why can't I have Year Plans Lord?!?

So it was for this beautiful birth. A month ago, God said Guess What?!? Affirmation came a week later, then growth began. My heart and flesh stretched as I used muscles only God knew I had, some of which hurt a little from the strain and yet I believed He would not give more than I could handle. 

He is trustworthy I whispered to myself. I pressed on with the others, planning, preparing, getting the nest ready to welcome our guest. I couldn't help but wonder would I be ready for her? Was I good enough? Could I handle this? Had I done everything I could for her arrival? 

Grace followed every exhale of an anxious inhale. Yes, our Sweet Abba Father would be strong enough for He was greater than my own efforts. Because He conceived her in the womb of my soul, He would be faithful to provide and would equip me for all I needed to do my part as He did what only He could do. My part was to trust.

The day finally was upon us and it was the night before. It was such a quick moment and yet it felt like I had been ready forever, waiting and anticipating her debut. The night before we gathered together and made ready her stage, gathering all she would need, testing our connection strength and praying for her arrival. Then there, early Saturday morning, contractions of real labor began. I arrived at the center and was nearly giddy in anticipation and yet sick to my stomach I could have puked, but too joyful to give it a second thought. The show must go on as they say! Suddenly, we lost her signal and my breath escaped me. 

Nooooo....not now, we have come this far already, we can't loose her. My breath deepened and quickened. Sore from the week of stretching, I dropped to the floor on hands and knees before the Cross and began to rock back and forth in prayer, searching for words, searching for a glimpse of life in the dead silence, desperate for assurance, reminding myself He won't give you more than you can handle. He is trustworthy...He won't give more than we can handle....all things to His glory...all according to what He has planned, may it be so. Take this labor and make it Yours, I trust You...I trust You. Remove barriers and knock out walls, You King and Creator are over all things and we are Yours, she is Yours, protect her for Your glory Lord. 

Other circled the center praying likewise, binding all evil and keeping our Peace and Glory a Mighty force to be reckoned with in His Name. Hearts and hands were lifted and open, praising and pleading.  

After what seemed like hours in what was really only 20 minutes, we heard her! What pure joy! Her signal was strong. Her timing was perfect and God was proven faithful and trustworthy, worthy of all our praise just as He said He would be. Family and friends gathered together as One and rejoiced at her arrival. With shouts of joy, proclaiming the Great I Am, we had her! 

She was lovely just as we had dreamed she would be. Her delivery was smooth and it rocked our world. What a testimony she has. 92 women's lives were impacted because of this beautiful gift of love. What a blessing! What a delivery! What a gift!

Was she worth it? Yes. Will we do it again? Lord willing, YES!! God is good and God is faithful! Can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen?!?

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." 
Matthew 18:20 ESV

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." 
Romans 15:5-7 ESV

Light in the darkness

Sometimes it takes more than a deep breath to ease ourselves in the midst of a panic moment. Those moments when you feel your world tremble, the rug being yanked out beneath you, the stab of betrayal, the punch of loss, pain of illness, the closing in of fear, worry and anxiety, and the unknowns. Mounted ontop of an already scary and evil world we live in. This is still one nation Under God, for the sheer fact He is above us. But we certainly do seem to live or build our country this way. Then again, evil has always been at work and God has always been on the Throne, so some things haven't changed except the date and the route.
I have suffered with anxiety and panic since I was a young girl, terrified of the boogie man and harm coming to me from someone in my community. My parents were involved with Crime Prevention so these were real concerns to a little girl. I heard about all the "stuff" going on in my community and it was frightening. Even in school, I was afraid of being an innocent by-stander getting caught in the midst of evil. These awareness and lack of confidence for a shy and insecure girl often shook my world in tangible ways. My body turned cold, shivering head to toe. 
As I grew older, the fearful attacks grew less and yet I have always lived a life "looking over my shoulder" and always wondering "what if....!" In 2008 when I walked into the darkness of panic and anxiety attacks, my world earthquaked and knocked me off my feet where I fell flat on my face, thankfully right at the feet of Christ my Savior. It was an intense, frightening journey but in the midst of this fire, God refined me. My heart, mind, soul and spirit we reshaped. He showed me how to have Light in the midst of darkness. Of course, being a Google-Everything kind of person, I had immediately begun researching "panic attacks" to learn what to do to stop them. There are so many books and techniques, I studied day and night looking for answers. I made a list that quickly ran dry as I crossed off what didn't work for me. 
Well meaning friends would simply say Just pray or Give it to God, only it wasn't and isn't that simple. There had never been a time I cried and believed as desperately as I was in those moments. This is why I blog my journey. Unless you've been through it, others can't fully understand what it is like or what it takes to get through it breath by breath and moment by moment. This is true of any situation of loss, illness, pain any of us face. Our solution is the same no matter what ails us. Our solution is our Savior!
So, how do you conquer feeling overwhelmed, scared, panicked, worrisome, constantly fearing the next attack, wondering what you had done wrong, wondering what you were missing in your walk with the Lord, wondering why God had allowed this, wondering why it wasn't stopping after every desperate pleaing prayer. How do you comprehend another day living like this. 
It was here in this darkness I learned the Light of Grace, the Light of Hope, the Light of Praise, the Light of Love. All these years I begged and prayed, cried and feared. Finally, Light. "Your Word is lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105" Our only hope is God. Our only rescue is the Blood of Christ. Our only strength is the Holy Spirit within the Believer, leading us towards the Prince of Peace, the Great I Am, our Redeemer, our King. 
If you or a loved one are suffering attacks of any kind in your life and you feel closed in by darkness, may I have the privilege to share with you a few the practical things I did that allowed Light in.... 
~Know you are greatly and dearly loved by God, even if you don't feel loved, you must accept the truth that you are by The God of this universe. Love conquers.
Read Romans 8.
~Saturate yourself in The Word and meditate on Truth, opposing all lies of the evil one. I admit that my first GoTo was Google, not God. It was Tips vs Transformation. I wanted transformation. 
Read Psalm 119.
~Write out Scriptures to keep with you in your pocket or purse. I made laminated Scripture cards for my keychain so I had quick access and could hold them in my hand when I prayed in those moments pulling out the Big Study Bible wasn't practical.
Read Deuteronomy 6.  
~Breath deep. Inhale Grace as you exhale fear, worry, pain, insecurity. You can feel it leaving you, especially when you are allowing it to be a Grace Breath. It will settle your body physically, emotionally and spiritually. 
Read 2 Corinthians 12. 
~Seek Intercessors to pray with and for you. While we are all instructed to pray, God has placed a special call on some Believers to be Prayer Warriors. These people stand tall, strong and firm against the realm we often forget about. They are girded up and ready to fight. Humble yourself and ask them to fight for you. Ask them to lay hands on you and pray over you. Ask them to remember you in prayer. Meanwhile, pray for them to remain faithful and strong as they fight on your behalf. They are putting themselves in the line of direct fire so they certainly need your cover too. 
~Praise everywhere, at all times. Peace is ushered in by praise. Rest in worship. Let it be part of your new nature to seek Him first, above the worry, through the stabbing pain. Inahle Grace and praise Him for never leaving you or forsaking you and loving you like no one else possibly can. Count your blessings and receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl, but to worship from a desperate and hoping and trusting heart is beyond mere pleasantries. 
Read Philippians 4.
~Seek help from Christian counselors. Sometimes we need more than we can give ourselves. Do what you need to do to be led by someone who knows your struggle. You are not alone in your struggle.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I pray these words of mine encourage you to seek The real Words that heal and transform, to the Light of Grace and Love that saves you. Stay strong!!!! 

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Honduras, 2009

SCUBA & FAITH

While I haven’t met a vacation spot I didn’t love, I truly love the beach! The sounds of the crashing waves, the smell of the salty air, dolphins jumping topside, soft sugary sand between your toes…yummy to all the senses! Our family vacations have always centered around beach destinations and just to be fair, we mix in the mountains because we love them too, but the ocean has always had our heart.

My husband was SCUBA certified in 1994 soon after we married. He’s a thrill seeker and since I was just fine snorkeling above him. I couldn’t imagine all that could go wrong breathing 100’ below the surface, so I remained a snorkeler…until 2003, when he begged me to try this underwater world. It was our 10 year wedding anniversary and my Dad generously gifted us his week in Kauai. So, I did it! Now, I would be able to experience what my new hubby said was a grand adventure beneath the surface. 

It was nerve racking, scary and yet painfully beautiful. With pinkies locked together, we set off to explore the deep blue. I was too nervous to be relaxed and really enjoy it. The equipment was heavy and awkward. Then, there were all the risks of SCUBA. Children as young as 10 years old can get certified so it’s a pretty safe sport however, you do need to be aware of your depth and air supplies as you enjoy this new world, otherwise, yes, you can hurt yourself.

Our next SCUBA vacation in Cozumel was a much better experience. While I was nervous, I was more familiar with the gear and the water was amazing! (We still locked pinkies!) Before I knew it, we were swimming along at 100’ taking inane expected the awkwardness. Cozumel’s waters are full of lush colorful reef domes. Colorful fish of every size and shape darted around us in curiosity to this human fish in their space, lobsters and eels peeking out of their holes, turtles gliding by and barracudas sizing us up with their little teeth striking out of their jetted jaws. The sharks? Sleeping peacefully on the ocean floor. This underwater world was quiet, colorful, vast and graceful. You are weightless even though the moment you break the surface to return to land, the weight is almost more than you can handle.

Despite the dangers, awkward equipment, the personal cost to dive into the beautiful blues, we have the privilege to see, hear, touch and be a part of an amazing under water world that you simply cannot comprehend from the shores. It takes gearing up and going under in the cool crisp waters for yourself to know the ocean crackles, to be amused by the glittering and twerking of fish, to feel like you’re looking for lost Nemo as you spot Dory just off the reef. There is nothing like it! 

The same is true as we gear up to dive into the magnificent life of faith God has planned for us. Standing on the shore doesn’t allow you to see this other world. You must get into the waters to see, feel and hear what is below the surface. No one can do it for you. Getting into the waters by faith allows you to see what was once unseen and unfathomable. Faith opens our eyes to a whole other world of risk, adventure, beauty, peace, sights and sounds. At first it will be awkward and nerve-racking yet thrilling. It’s new. But God, He has created this amazing life of mind-blowing adventures. Even when it’s scary, awkward…He extends His pinky to you to lock on to. He leads us beside the still waters. He equips us with all we need for a faith filled life. The more you step into the Water of deep faith, the more familiar it will be and your appreciation, trust and eyes be exposed to vast levels you could otherwise never had experienced and enjoyed. There is nothing else like it!! Dive deep!!! 

"But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus." 

Matthew 14:27-29NIV

Falling Into The Pit

Prior to 2008, I thought I knew myself pretty well and was okay with who I was. Reflecting back, I realize while I was okay with who I was, I wasn't okay with how I was. Born onto the Cradle Roll at our church by a military Dad and friend to everyone Mom, "doing the right thing" was something almost programmed into me. You add in my shy, insecure personality and there ya have your official Holy Roly, Goodie Two Shoes, always trying to be perfect and pure, not causing any issues, church girl.
I wasn't know as the loud one, party one, if anyone can do it she can (or will) or the prettiest one. I was proud to honor my Lord and my family as pure in heart and mind, never intentionally getting near trouble. My desire has always been to live "right" before God, family and others.
Years later when I entered Adulthood and soon after, Motherhood, it was at a time when the internet was taking off and the competition for commerce was in your home and phone 24/7. Back in my day, there were billboards, posters on storefronts and the occasionally mailed brochures. They were random and few. With the acceleration of technology, we have full time promotions. There are even ads you can skip, after you watch for at least 5-10 seconds.
All of a sudden, the comparison and brainwashing started to impact me. If I used that product, I would be prettier, my hair would be silky and styled, my outfits would be fresh, my car would have bluetooth (CD players back then). My baby would sleep better if I had this or be safer if I used that. We would be healthier if we bought this gadget and shopped at this store. My marriage would be happier if we went on this vacation and slept on this kind of bed. You have friends trying some of these products or ways of doing things and you wonder Should I be doing that? Is that the better way?
You can't help but wonder if it could be true, so you try.
And so it goes. Always wondering if this way is the best way, or honestly...if it's the right way vs the wrong way you are doing it. This is fear, worry, insecurity. Not that you aren't keeping an open mind of new ways to do things at home, work or in life, but you are feeling condemned at the choices and way you are doing things potentially inadequately or inefficiently...or wrongly.
After years of self-doubt and constant fear of judgement, I collapsed under the pressure into a pit. Thankfully God knew I was heading that way, and He had already lined it with grace. With the same child-like faith and heart to do right, everything about me was to seek to be better than I was. I always seem to find the best qualities in others but then instead of being sharpened by them, I felt less than because of them. I strived to be the best in every aspect, stacking myself up to the giftedness of every one else. Surely I too could take care of my home with all the homemade organic goodies and organize my home with glass jars and a label maker, hang perfectly ironed clothes in the closet and have vacuumed so well, not one dog hair would find it's way into a corner or a shelf in the house. I would do all this in my well nourished and fit body from my hours at the gym and eating from my cute garden in the back yard. Neither me or my kids would have cavities because we brush three times a day, seven days a week with the right toothpaste, never eating more sugar than recommended by the FDA. We would show up to school and church safely in our ride with side airbags and alarmed sensors. Oh how I could go on....
But there I was, in the pit, where grace softened my direct fall. It bruised me, and scared me, but it didn't kill me. It caught me. By grace, I laid empty yet so full of hope and faith for a better me. The perfect me that God has desired and created me to be. The Mom, Wife, Friend He'd be proud of. But here I lay prostrate and less than. Grace said You're enough. Grace said Just be you. Grace said Life is short. Grace said Days are meant to be lived, not wasted in worry. Grace said Do not fear more, fear less. Grace said Fear not! Grace said I am capable and you are in My hands. Grace said Follow Me. Grace said My grace is sufficient enough for you! Grace said Get up and go!
Friend, wherever you are in your life, remember Grace. You may be amazing at some things the Lord has gifted you for, but you are not equipped to have all the giftings of everyone else to make you fully awesome in everything to everyone. Jesus is the only Fully Awesome one. By grace, be you! By grace, be brave. By grace, be whole! By grace, live! Love Who's you are and how you are...saved by Grace!

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

I'm fine, for real!

"This used to be me: Expert Wall Builder. I knew how to build a wall around my heart to scale. The sign hung read, "I'm fine, thanks for stoping by." Being "fine" wasn't freedom. Walls actually kept the hurt inside, without escape and caused damage on the inside. I never wanted to be a burden or cause attention to myself in a negative way for my heart was all about encouraging others and keeping the peace. And for those of you who may understand this: I felt that as a Proverbs 31 woman...a woman of great faith...a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart and trusted Him completely...that I would be "perfectly happy, encouraging, peaceful, full of wisdom and self-controlled." And yet, I wasn't. I never worried what others would think of me, okay, maybe a little but my greatest fear was disappointing God, failing to represent His amazing grace, smiling joy, peace that made me glide through every moment. I just wasn't always fine." ~Except from my journaling, 2009.

"Good Morning, how are you?" (Smiling)

"Oh, I am fine. How are you?" (Showing our pearly whites)

"I'm fine. God is good." (Still smiling)

Sound familiar? I dare to say it's the most common "conversation" we have with each other...not only at work, the mall, at lunch, and at school but especially in the church hallways. I know because I have been a part of them for many years. There is something to be justified about brief encounters where time is of then essence and it is neither the right person or the right place to "unload" our life's troubles. In today's culture, asking a person How are you is simply a form of greeting, words of acknowledgement, a showing of general effort.

But, as the Asker, are we genuinely hoping for a genuine answer? Do we really want to know how they are doing? Are we willing to be shocked with an honest response that takes up more than our 15 seconds of allotted time? I admit that I have asked expecting the normal flow of response to this well rehearsed pleasantry only to gasp when the person actually shares something real back. Wait, what?! Did they say something, for real?! Quick! Pay attention!! We almost don't know what to say back! 

Our fast-paced world has created in us the skills to shoot out words without immediate response. Technology feeds these quick, impersonal exchanges using our emails and texting, snap chats and tweets that allow us to put something out there and enable us to walk away from it for as long as we need. Then we can ignore it, respond to it, delete it, forward it, or share it. I am afraid we are learning to be filters and regurgitates vs feelers and responders. It is there in face to face conversations where real life happens and is lived out fully. Real words must engage between real hearts.

A photo we post of a scripture isn't the same as reading it, for real. Sending a picture of 2 friends having coffee with the hashtag #loveourfriendship isn't the same as sitting down face to face and enjoying a hot cup of coffee together, for real. Texting praying hands emojis do not replace actually praying,  for real.
Now obviously, long distance relationships do not fall into this category. For some of us, the only way we are able to connect is through our devices and praise the Lord for them so that we can keep in touch for real. We are referring to conversations and encounters we face in our day to day life.

At some point in our days, we are on one of the 2 sides of this exchange. There are times I just don't want to say anything about my brokenness, or I realize this is not the time of place to share, or maybe this is not the person to share it with. We must be discerning whichever end we find ourselves, being careful and considerate not to push the other beyond what God had intended for that moment.

This topic came up recently with a friend who serves on a Hospitality Team. This was our take aways:

If you the one Asking:
1.) When you ask How are you? Be sure to ask genuinely, make eye contact so they can see it in your heart's eyes, and give them the opportunity to share. God may have crossed your paths for such a time as this. Have a plan to step aside with them should they need more than a minute to share, or ask for prayer, or need your help. They may be caught off guard that you are anticipating an honest response. Sad but true.
2.) If you are welcoming people into your home or church, classroom, or passing someone in the halls, store, playground, wherever, and you simply want to acknowledge them, make them feel welcomed, simply say Hello! Share any pleasantry you'd like but don't ask if you don't have time to listen. You will likely cause hurt feelings if you ask and really didn't have time to listen because you were on your way to an appointment and you have to excuse yourself or rush out. Without meaning to, you leave them feeling brushed aside and unworthy of someones' time.
3.) If someone actually trusts you enough to share an answer but you cannot engage long enough to give them the proper time they need, be gentle, sincere and kind in letting them know that you would like to get back together so you may devote your full attention to them and set up a time you are both able to meet, even if it means 5 minutes later while you get someone to cover you, or if it has to be later that day, or that week. Do not rush them off.
4.) Maybe you sense something is wrong and yet the person avoids eye contact and has a titanium wall up you cannot seem to penetrate and they keep walking. Pray! Heed the voice of the Holy Spirit as to what else you might need to do besides praying for them.
One Sunday, a woman left the worship center in tears, and feeling like God was pushing me out of my comfort zone to approach her and offer up my help or prayers without her prompting, I followed her into the ladies room and asked if she was okay and she said yes, all the while tears flowed behind her closed door. I waited...and waited. I stood silently praying for her. She never came out. I reached out one more time to ask if she needed anything and she said no. I told her I would be praying for her and I went back to my seat, feeling bad that I wasn't able to "help" (enter Satan into the moment) and yet God affirming Well done faithful friend. I did all I could and all I was supposed to. Prayer is our best intercession and response every single time!

For the one being Asked:
1.) Acknowledge the person greeting you with a smile and genuine pleasantry. Be discerning of whether or not this person is simply greeting or welcoming you or if they are sincerely asking and waiting for an honest reply. We know that just because they ask, doesn't mean they have time for a explanation of your current life circumstances; however, this may be a genuine ask. It is kind and considerate to reply honestly, thanking them for asking. He/She may be the one God placed in your day for you to share your heart with.
2.) If you feel led to share, be respectful of their time. God does schedule divine appointments often, however, this person, whether a friend we run into, or a staffed person, had not made plans to spend 2-20minutes with you. Find out first if they actually have a few minutes to step aside and share. Ask them if they have a few minutes to talk or pray before you unload on them, putting them into a corner they may feel backed up against. It may be the perfect time that God has set aside for both of you and it will be perfectly timed and sweet. Just be sure to discern so before you assume so.
3.) Are we willing to be honest when things are not fine and say so? Even in pleasantries? Of course, I will be fine when I respond, I am fine but that's not my current truth. I am not fine even though I will be fine. Not wishing to lie, and to live an authentic life, I have learned to say, "Not every day can be a great one, but God is good." 

Pride wants us to portray perfection. God wants us to portray Peace. Not every one who walks out their door is perfectly fine. In this world, we will have troubles and it's okay to share them when we do. He tells us to share our burdens, confess our sins one to another, and rejoice with all. Maybe we have something exciting we can't wait to share with someone today, or maybe we just received devastating news and are seeking out someone to share it with. We all have "Those Days," "Those Feelings." Are you the one God has sent to ask "How are you?" Be ready! They may just have something to say, for real!!

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." Romans 15:5-7 ESV

God Can Hear You Just Fine.

I thought I would share an excerpt from my journaling from December 2008 as panic and anxiety attacks consumed my life, churning up my once neat and tidy soil. God used this season to shake up and shape up my heart, mind and soul, ultimately pruning back much of me so that He could do a refining work, reestablishing my root system and growing in me something new.

As always, I pray as you read through these words you allow God to speak to you, that it would be His voice you hear and not mine. May you be encouraged and reminded in the truths, you are loved, you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, He is near. Satan wants nothing more than for you to doubt the love of God and begin loosing hope. 

The further we fall into the darkness of a pit, the harder it is to find our way back out. But the Good News is that God is Light and His Word is a lamp for our feet and a light on our path. He will lead you, and you must patiently follow, one step at a time, one breath at a time.

Never quit believing God is for you. Cling fast to what is Truth. Rest in His care.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Embarrassed and confused myself, I did not share what I was going through except with a select few family and friends. I am a pretty private person, and struggle with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I was also serving in leadership within my church with a heart to do Women's Ministry and Retreats. If they knew, I knew it would kill that dream and I would become useless in Kingdom Work. Was there a way to describe it watered down? Would they judge me? Would I become even more less than and unnecessary than I already felt...

If I couldn’t even understand what was happening to me, then how could I expect someone else to!? I felt crazy, how could they not think the same?! “I’ve lost my mind!” is a phrase I could relate to. And it didn’t mean I had become forgetful. When you feel like you’ve lost your mind, it’s scary. Your normal thought patterns and reasonings are lost. Once methodical and organized, two steps ahead of every need, you now find yourself scrambling to catch up and grab hold of a sound thought. It’s chaotic and uneasy. For a perfectionist like me, it pushed me to the edge of myself, feeling even more inadequate than before. Now, I was sure of it.

Every day I had to fight against the lies that God wasn’t there for me, He couldn’t hear me, He no longer had anymore patience, mercy or grace for me. My faith didn’t waver but my focus, patience and endurance did. Each day was not better than the other. Day after day I grew in my exasperation. I wanted to be healed and restored. Each prayer felt like an echo, bouncing back at me off the ceiling, my words empty and my hands weak. When would this end? How much longer could I take this torture?

One day in particular, at my wits end, exhausted, fearful, angry, I cried out desperate to God, almost demanding in my tone, “Please be with me. Where are You God? Why can’t You hear me?” A few minutes later as I sat in the middle of the floor of my play room trying to gather myself to get on with my day, I heard in my spirit to go to the front door so I did. I don't recall noticing a knock at the door and the beagle wasn't barking.

Opening the door, no one was standing there and no one was around the yard or in the street, but then I noticed a door hanger on my door. Weird. Normally my beagle hollers at intruders in the yard. I had just spent the past hour cleaning up (and talking to God) in the front playroom and never heard or saw anyone out the windows. The door hanger was from a new church coming to the area. You won’t believe what it said…in all caps..

”GOD CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.” 

What?!?! I stood taken back for a moment...in awe that He had not only sent me a divine message...but now I knew that He could really, really hear me. I knew that message was meant just for me. But that assurance was for a fleeting moment because my very next thought was, “Then if You CAN hear me why aren’t You helping me?!? Anger filled me, not joy. It was almost worse to know He actually could hear me but choose not to help me. 

I had been so desperate to hear Him, to feel Him, to get confirmation that He had not forgotten me or left me to this darkness consumed…and then He says He can hear me just fine. Ugh. My heart and stomach twisted inside me. My soul wept “Then why Lord….why?” Was He so done with me, this was the end? Had He had enough? Was I worth His time anymore? I figured I had nothing left to offer Him. I was at the end of me. I couldn’t fix me and if He wasn’t going to fix me, then I was useless, merely functioning as an empty shell, depleted, exhausted, scared, lonely and sad. I was frightened. I felt completely alone. And yet, there was life to manage inside my doors, inside my home, inside my church...inside my soul. 

A husband and 4 children who were counting on me to care for them, help them, cheer for them, provide for them. Little ones who couldn’t wait for Mommy to tuck them in and tickle their tummies and kiss them on their sweet cheeks as they let go of their day and submitted to sleep. Big kids needing help with homework, someone to talk to about their day and help them figure life-stuff out and of course to find their missing socks. And a husband who always needs my help! And how I wanted to be an Encourager in the Kingdom. I couldn't give up.  This is a battle I wouldn't win on my own. 

I prayed so deep and often, "God, strengthen me and engage me deep at my core....revive me and restore to me the joy of my salvation. Still my soul and steady my mind. There is nothing I want more than You."

Truth was, it was hard to stay joy-filled and energetic when I felt completely empty inside, but as I look back on this season, it was by the grace of God I was able to. At the time, it was me just gutting it through one hour at a time, longing for each morning’s mercies….and healing. In reality, it was He Who carried me and sustained every breath, every hug, every Mom moment, every day's laundry and to-dos as life went on day after day and I remained the same weeping soul. Grace helped and sustained me.

God was faithful even though it didn’t feel like it. He was near even though it didn’t seem He was.  Maybe this was my Moses moment, my Job moment. Was He testing my faith and trust in Him?

His Word tells us through and through, He is faithful, He loves us and is working for our good, to prosper and us and not harm us. Trials and tribulations are meant to burn off the old and make room for new growth. Pits and valleys are torturous but The Cross took on the pain and penalties for us. He took on all our suffering...for our good. 

        Next time you find your prayers hitting the ceiling, remain faithful and strong. Gather a few trustworthy people and ask them to intercede with you for this season. It'll help keep you strong as God reaches out to hug you through their prayers and presence. We always think it's an imposition to ask for help, and for a perfectionist, it's humbling but the fact is it is a blessing to be able to stand in the gap for another. This was part of the pruning I had to let go of too. 

Trials have so many layers and we will never know all the many things God is working in us and through us, despite us.

Friend, you are not alone. You are loved. You are heard. You are enough. You are seen. You are worth much. You have a purpose. Don't give up! Be still your soul and rest in Him.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 

and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 

who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 

for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 

1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV

Teaching our kids how to Overcome Problems with Praise

It's one thing to teach your kids about how to deal with stressful situations and a whole other to have to show them! Our actions will validate or destroy our words.
After the kids had some dental work done yesterday morning, we headed out for some breakfast and errands before we left the mainland. (It's an 1.5hr drive home.)
PROBLEMS:
Just a few miles from the office at a huge intersection, my car freaks out! My break pedal starting lifting against my foot while I was breaking!! Then the power steering went out!! I was in the turn lane to make a u-turn! That wasn't gonna happen. I didn't even know if I'd get all the way across it before my car died. Or, if I was losing my break and was gonna run into the guy in front of me!
Good news, got to side street, pulled up into sidewalk of street (no curbs here!) I was off to the side safely and under a tree! Next to a gas station!
Turned off car, popped hood-no Fire. No problem! Called mechanic and told me can't drive it. Belt was gone! Called tow truck.
To make long story short, we waited almost 4hrs for tow truck to show up but thanks to generous ladies, we were able to go to store to get drinks and donuts and air conditioning.
The kids were frustrated and I was exhausted and frustrated. Their pain meds also were wearing off! We had left the house at 5:20am and we should have been home at Noon. But here we are sitting at a car repair shop in a city we don't know at 4pm...tired, hungry, not feeling well.
I wanted to loose it.
I wanted to yell at the wreckers for canceling and then being hours later than promised.
I wanted to yell at the insurance company who would only pay to tow it to nearest shop where I broke down and not my own hometown.
I wanted to yell at the kids to stop fussing and complaining.
I wanted to yell at God for not granting us a salary that allows us to have bought a new vehicle.
The kids wanted to yell because they missed rehearsals and our big pool party at church!!
I wanted to yell just cuz I felt like yelling! Somehow yelling will jolt the universe back into a perfect way right?!?
Wrong.
Thankfully I am not an outward exploder...but I do yell inside where only my heart freaks out!
What do we accomplish by yelling? Exploding externally or internally? Nothing. Well, we actually do a lot of damage, accomplishing nothing to move us forward, but only moving us where we feared we would end up...to only end up there because we took ourselves there one step or word at a time.
The shop manager commended me on my calm demeanor and good behavior of bored and tired kids. He said people usually are cursing at this point in a day like ours.

May we be seen as the salt and light of the earth, a city on a hill! Not a torch on a hunt!
PRAISES:
But God.....God has given us glorious provisions. Because yelling accomplishes nothing and praise accomplishes everything!! I had watching eyes and listening ears. I had a God who I trusted was with me helping me manage. I had an opportunity to allow my actions to be my words. As a parent, we say a lot, but how often do we get the chance to show them in real life? How can we overcome our problems? We count our blessings. Disciplining ourselves to find the blessings keeps ours hearts and minds focused on our victory and hope. It keeps Satan from getting a foothold. Remaining calm helps us think and process more clearly.

Counting our blessings:
*We broke down in town at 10mph, not on the freeway at 70mph.
*We broke down in the shade under a tree God provided like Jonah had, not under the open sun.
*We have insurance that covers towing even if it wasn't where I wanted it to take me.
*We met kind Mamas only 5 min away we could trust at the office to take us to a store, we were not left without help.
*While my husband was out of state unable to come help, he was able to talk to us on the phone to offer help.
*We were in a safe place, with air conditioning and wifi, and ice cold sodas to offer!!
*Even though I left so early in the morning, my friend was able to go over and check on my puppy.
*The shop rented us a loaner so we could go eat dinner from 5-6pm while they repaired the belt they just happened to be able to get last minute.

*We we were able to get the car fixed and drive it home.

*Our drive home was uneventful and we arrived safe and sound.

God was actually very gracious to us today and I praise Him for all He allowed to happen and not to happen.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 

Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 6:5-7

A Crying Womb

Mother's Day. The one day of the year we turned our hearts and intentions over to our Moms. It is a beautiful day filled with hand made cards, chocolates and flowers, breakfast in bed, lunch and dinner prepared by someone else's hands, neck and foot massages and to top it off, a day of peacefulness. A day when the kids at home don't complain or argue and they shower you with thankfulness of your awesome Mothering skills; and the kids outside the home video call so you can see their sweet faces and hear their adult voices telling you how much they miss you and appreciate all you have done for them. You flip through old pictures of days gone by. Then, your womb smiles as you lay your head down sweetly on the pillow, wrapping your arms around your waist, feeling so blessed, surely God has been generous. Was this your Mother's Day? Mine either. But oh to dream....

For some of us, Mother's Day is the day our womb cries...
Heaven's gain was our loss until the day we get to hold our child in our arms once again, or for some...the first time.
Our womb longs for our prodigal child to come home.
It aches to create.
Our womb reminds us of the one we came from that we never knew, or rejected us.
It cries for the womb that once held us, wishing we could be held by her one more time.

For some of us, Mother's Day is full of tears. If this is you, my heart is so sorry. Do not believe you are broken or for some reason rejected by God, or man. Satan is the destroyer of Life. Never stop believing God has purposed everything about you and in you. Days like this open the tiny wounds where our tears seep out once again. God says, seek Me.
May you feel the warm embrace of our Lord, the unconditional Love of your Heavenly Father as He bundles you up in His tender arms. He knows the loss of a child. He has children who curse His name and have run away. He has children who have crushed His heart. He understands longing and grief, but He is a faithful, hopeful Father, Who never looses sight of the eternal birth, more precious than what the flesh produces. In His womb, we received a new birth and we give birth. May our wombs turn mourning into rejoicing in the weight of His womb. May we long most for His Miracle of Life, even if it means our wombs will not produce fleshly children. Children are a gift from the Lord, and they can come from anywhere, in any way. May each of us Mother the ones God has placed into our loving care, by flesh or by spirit. There is no greater joy, than a quiver full!!! Happy Mother's Day!! You are complete and whole in Him! Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6

Psalm 139: 13-18 (ESV) "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Our eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you." 

John 3:3-7 (ESV) "Jesus answered him, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God."
Nicodemus said to him, "How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?" Jesus answered, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, 'You must be born again.'"

Thank You Heavenly Father for the Gift of Life, especially the Life You birthed in us. Lord, for those of us who's wombs are crying tears of joy and thanksgiving, we thank You. For those of us whose wombs have only cried tears of grief, comfort us and heal our aches. Thank You for sustaining our own lives. Because of our Mothers here on earth, we have been given life. Lord, bless the Moms as only You are able. Only you Lord can see the tears of our wombs and we offer thanksgiving for wiping each one. Thank You for miracle work of birth, in the flesh and in the spirit. 

You are an amazing, tender-loving Father. Thank You for Your example of how to love our children here, whether by flesh or spirit. May Your patience and grace lead us every day and fill our hearts with the purposes and hopes You have waiting for us. We acknowledge You as the Creator of all things and trust Your perfect birthing plan, to create and sustain life according to the "wait" of Glory. We praise You for our Life. Thank You for the gift of Moms who flesh us out. Heal wombs Lord that are aching and protect our Mommy hearts from discouragement, disbelief and despair, for You are good, the Sustainer and Producer of Life that is Everlasting. Thank You for Your Love, amen.

A Fortress of Faith

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe." 

Proverbs 18:10 (ESV)

Fort Jefferson was built in the 1800's, 70 miles outside of Key West, Florida. It stands today as a monument of beautiful design and towering strength. Click here for a link to read more about this historical marker. This is a place you most definitely want to take your camera. Between the masonry and the illuminating waters surrounding it, there isn't a square inch down there you won't get a good shot.

Our Texas friends who are National Park stamp collectors joined us for this day trip out there during their recent visit to see us here in The Keys. We bought the tickets, loaded up the cameras and off we went. Our 5am departure time came early just as we expected it would and even though our new little Starbucks said it would be open at 5:30am, the empty parking lot and dark interior revealed otherwise. An hour later we arrived at McD's for our first cup of java, happy juice, anti-grumpy coffee or morning juice...whatever you want to call it! 

At 7am we boarded the 100' ferry and headed out to this famous fort in The Beautiful Dry Tortugas. Slowly the fort came into view on the horizon after our 2 hour ride out. It wasn't as large as I had imagined but it was beautiful, and oh those turquoise waters. So lovely!
As we approached the fort, the broken pieces of the walls became more evident the closer we got. It has bravely stood the test of time. Our guide warned us to be careful not to lean against or out of any of the windows otherwise, we may become fish filets. It was a strong structure overall and a grand sight to take in from the gravel path up on the top wall to the waters below...and yet we needed to be careful of our steps, putting pressure on the walls and avoiding holes that eroding had dug. This strong tower has held it's own for a loooong time. While it seemed to be wasting away, it held together strong, hosting thousands of people walking it's echoing hallways, climbing it's spiral stairs and strolling along the upper hilltop. How is is still standing after all this time?!? Sure, there are places that have been bound up and strengthened with iron or new bricks, but the massive structure was strong. 
Taking it all in, I began to feel the character of this fort. It was just like me. While my outer is wasting away, I stand strong on the inside, held together by The Glue of Jesus, my Cornerstone.
I am a strong tower in Jesus name, held together by grace. I have been pressed, but not crushed. I have been struck down, yet not destroyed, even though it felt like I would be. We are forts of faith! There are broken pieces, rough edges, missing parts, gaps, all the while being kept in perfect peace and power. In our weakness, He is our strength.
What a wonderful view of the Body of Christ too. When one part is weak, it is the surrounding ones around securing it, embracing it, and keeping it as one, in Jesus Name. We uphold each other as we stand on our Sure Foundation. I have no doubt if one of these walls were standing alone, it would have crumbled under the weight of time and circumstantial pressure. But because it is bound together as one...it holds the strength of the whole. Be encouraged friend. Just because you may feel defeated, doesn't mean you are! We cannot judge what we see, rather trust what we know! Faith holds us together. Faith makes mountains move!

Together, we are stronger! Therefore, do not loose heart! We are a Fortress of Faith who is able to stand the test of time and circumstantial pressures that press in. We may need healing and help, but we will not be destroyed! Our Cornerstone stands Forever! AMEN!!

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4: 8-9, 16-18

Overwhelmed by Grace in the middle of my piles!

Socks, shirts, towels, oh my!!! These self-multiplying piles of laundry will keep me on my toes. We are a family of 6 (the oldest is off to college) and if I didn't know it for a fact, it would be my prediction these enormous piles must represent a dozen people! Between the gym clothes, pool suits and towels and regular clothes, the 5 of us can pile it on! 
Last week, I was out of town for 3 days at the YOU Lead & Living Proof Live Conference with Beth Moore and Travis Cottrell, which was wonderful by the way. In preparation for me being gone, I prepared some meals for the hubs to easily serve up and made sure all laundry was clean. All this work 1.) because I am the one who does all the meal and laundry in the home and 2.) honestly, I didn't want to be bombarded all weekend with questions: Where's the Pam spray? Do we have cinnamon rolls? Where's my other purple sock? Have you seen my cargo shorts? How do I make....?
All went according to planned! Hubs and kids had all they needed and texts were only I Love Yous and Miss Yous. I should however have thought a few more days ahead in my planning because I was exhausted physically and emotionally. This girl needs more than 5 hours of sleep and it needs to be solid sleep for me to function well the next day and that was not the case this weekend. Thank The Lord for His strength and endurance to stay alert and engaged despite my sleepiness. Saturday nights return home is a blur to me. All I remember was getting into my comfy pjs and plopping down on the couch with the kiddos cuddled up like a pile of puppies. Completely filled and completely drained in every way! 
The following day was a full day of church and baseball (which happened to be back up on the mainland 2 hours north) and Monday was my bday, so no cleaning or house duties happened this day either! Tuesday was errand day to replenish the pantry and asses the upcoming house duties, baseball schedules and homework assignments. Tons of laundry needed to be done by now. With a house full of this many people using several outfits a day, it adds up! Even though the oldest does his own laundry, I will chip in depending on his schedule with school and work and this was a week he needed my extra help, so I did one load for him. 
It was overwhelming. Standing in the middle of my house taking a 360 degree inventory of all that needs to be done in order to be caught up, will be the very reason I leave the house and go for a walk or work on a random project. So that my mind can stop freaking out and feeling overwhelmed. Calmly and ready to hit it head on, I make my list and get to it, doing all I can without drowning under it all. It's just what happens when you don't stay ontop of it all or plan accordingly. When laundry stays continually rotating through, food is planned for, time for rest is alloted, schedules are managed, when chores are distributed and shared, life at home is less overwhelming.
As I sat there buried under the pile of stinky little clothes, grass stained uniforms and damp towels, hungry with no clue what remnants were left to prepare for my family, gazing upon the floors needing to be swept and mirrors needing to be wiped and toilets...well, let's just say they became first priority...my heart was grateful for grace. Oh the grace of God to look upon my mess surrounding me and accept me into His arms. How wonderful to not have to "clean up or catch up" in order to immediately fellowship with Him. Sitting there on my dirty floors, amongst dirty clothes and a pitiful attitude, He sat down with me.
Friend, you do not need to clean yourself up in order to invite Him in. He is unaffected with what surrounds you. Nothing will prevent Him from answering your cry for help or fellowship.  Such a mighty God, His sweet fellowship will restore to you a joy to get "it" done whatever that may be in your life today. He is a God of Rescue and a God of Refuge and Strength. Though you may be weak and overwhelmed, Grace will be your strength to accomplish what needs to be done.
So, if it has been a long time since you have been in church, prayed, had a quiet time with Him, confessed sin, fellowshiped in His name with other Believers, read your Bible, I encourage you and remind you to call upon Him now! There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus! Romans 8! Shame, embarrassment and condemnation are from the enemy who seeks to kill and destroy! John 10:10. Right where you are, amongst the piles of all things dirty, He is with you even so, to help you clean! Psalm 51:10-12. Call out to Him and He is faithful to answer!! What wonderful news! Bless the Giver of Grace! My we find ourselves overwhelmed by Grace and not by this world.

Father God, bless us in our mess and redeem us out of the weights that pull us under. Thank You for the grace you extend so abundantly for Your children. May You find us faithful to answer the calls You place in our days just as You are faithful to us. Thank You for Your Kingship and Your Friendship with us. You truly are our Refuge and Strength. Holy Spirit draw us away from temptations of this world and bring us into the shelter of Your wings that we may fellowship and worship instead of freaking out and worrying. There is no greater Name than Yours Alighty, The Great I Am, Pit Redeemer and Strength Saver, Compassionate Christ the Lord. We thank You for the Gift of Grace amongst all this stinky stuff of earth. May we be a sweet aroma to You in all we think, say and do. We worship you from the Sanctuary and the Laundry Room, in Your Sweet Gracious Name, amen.