"This used to be me: Expert Wall Builder. I knew how to build a wall around my heart to scale. The sign hung read, "I'm fine, thanks for stoping by." Being "fine" wasn't freedom. Walls actually kept the hurt inside, without escape and caused damage on the inside. I never wanted to be a burden or cause attention to myself in a negative way for my heart was all about encouraging others and keeping the peace. And for those of you who may understand this: I felt that as a Proverbs 31 woman...a woman of great faith...a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart and trusted Him completely...that I would be "perfectly happy, encouraging, peaceful, full of wisdom and self-controlled." And yet, I wasn't. I never worried what others would think of me, okay, maybe a little but my greatest fear was disappointing God, failing to represent His amazing grace, smiling joy, peace that made me glide through every moment. I just wasn't always fine." ~Except from my journaling, 2009.
"Oh, I am fine. How are you?" (Showing our pearly whites)
"I'm fine. God is good." (Still smiling)
Sound familiar? I dare to say it's the most common "conversation" we have with each other...not only at work, the mall, at lunch, and at school but especially in the church hallways. I know because I have been a part of them for many years. There is something to be justified about brief encounters where time is of then essence and it is neither the right person or the right place to "unload" our life's troubles. In today's culture, asking a person How are you is simply a form of greeting, words of acknowledgement, a showing of general effort.But, as the Asker, are we genuinely hoping for a genuine answer? Do we really want to know how they are doing? Are we willing to be shocked with an honest response that takes up more than our 15 seconds of allotted time? I admit that I have asked expecting the normal flow of response to this well rehearsed pleasantry only to gasp when the person actually shares something real back. Wait, what?! Did they say something, for real?! Quick! Pay attention!! We almost don't know what to say back!
Our fast-paced world has created in us the skills to shoot out words without immediate response. Technology feeds these quick, impersonal exchanges using our emails and texting, snap chats and tweets that allow us to put something out there and enable us to walk away from it for as long as we need. Then we can ignore it, respond to it, delete it, forward it, or share it. I am afraid we are learning to be filters and regurgitates vs feelers and responders. It is there in face to face conversations where real life happens and is lived out fully. Real words must engage between real hearts.
A photo we post of a scripture isn't the same as reading it, for real. Sending a picture of 2 friends having coffee with the hashtag #loveourfriendship isn't the same as sitting down face to face and enjoying a hot cup of coffee together, for real. Texting praying hands emojis do not replace actually praying, for real.
Now obviously, long distance relationships do not fall into this category. For some of us, the only way we are able to connect is through our devices and praise the Lord for them so that we can keep in touch for real. We are referring to conversations and encounters we face in our day to day life.
At some point in our days, we are on one of the 2 sides of this exchange. There are times I just don't want to say anything about my brokenness, or I realize this is not the time of place to share, or maybe this is not the person to share it with. We must be discerning whichever end we find ourselves, being careful and considerate not to push the other beyond what God had intended for that moment.
This topic came up recently with a friend who serves on a Hospitality Team. This was our take aways:
If you the one Asking:
1.) When you ask How are you? Be sure to ask genuinely, make eye contact so they can see it in your heart's eyes, and give them the opportunity to share. God may have crossed your paths for such a time as this. Have a plan to step aside with them should they need more than a minute to share, or ask for prayer, or need your help. They may be caught off guard that you are anticipating an honest response. Sad but true.
2.) If you are welcoming people into your home or church, classroom, or passing someone in the halls, store, playground, wherever, and you simply want to acknowledge them, make them feel welcomed, simply say Hello! Share any pleasantry you'd like but don't ask if you don't have time to listen. You will likely cause hurt feelings if you ask and really didn't have time to listen because you were on your way to an appointment and you have to excuse yourself or rush out. Without meaning to, you leave them feeling brushed aside and unworthy of someones' time.
3.) If someone actually trusts you enough to share an answer but you cannot engage long enough to give them the proper time they need, be gentle, sincere and kind in letting them know that you would like to get back together so you may devote your full attention to them and set up a time you are both able to meet, even if it means 5 minutes later while you get someone to cover you, or if it has to be later that day, or that week. Do not rush them off.
4.) Maybe you sense something is wrong and yet the person avoids eye contact and has a titanium wall up you cannot seem to penetrate and they keep walking. Pray! Heed the voice of the Holy Spirit as to what else you might need to do besides praying for them.
One Sunday, a woman left the worship center in tears, and feeling like God was pushing me out of my comfort zone to approach her and offer up my help or prayers without her prompting, I followed her into the ladies room and asked if she was okay and she said yes, all the while tears flowed behind her closed door. I waited...and waited. I stood silently praying for her. She never came out. I reached out one more time to ask if she needed anything and she said no. I told her I would be praying for her and I went back to my seat, feeling bad that I wasn't able to "help" (enter Satan into the moment) and yet God affirming Well done faithful friend. I did all I could and all I was supposed to. Prayer is our best intercession and response every single time!
For the one being Asked:
1.) Acknowledge the person greeting you with a smile and genuine pleasantry. Be discerning of whether or not this person is simply greeting or welcoming you or if they are sincerely asking and waiting for an honest reply. We know that just because they ask, doesn't mean they have time for a explanation of your current life circumstances; however, this may be a genuine ask. It is kind and considerate to reply honestly, thanking them for asking. He/She may be the one God placed in your day for you to share your heart with.
2.) If you feel led to share, be respectful of their time. God does schedule divine appointments often, however, this person, whether a friend we run into, or a staffed person, had not made plans to spend 2-20minutes with you. Find out first if they actually have a few minutes to step aside and share. Ask them if they have a few minutes to talk or pray before you unload on them, putting them into a corner they may feel backed up against. It may be the perfect time that God has set aside for both of you and it will be perfectly timed and sweet. Just be sure to discern so before you assume so.
3.) Are we willing to be honest when things are not fine and say so? Even in pleasantries? Of course, I will be fine when I respond, I am fine but that's not my current truth. I am not fine even though I will be fine. Not wishing to lie, and to live an authentic life, I have learned to say, "Not every day can be a great one, but God is good."
Pride wants us to portray perfection. God wants us to portray Peace. Not every one who walks out their door is perfectly fine. In this world, we will have troubles and it's okay to share them when we do. He tells us to share our burdens, confess our sins one to another, and rejoice with all. Maybe we have something exciting we can't wait to share with someone today, or maybe we just received devastating news and are seeking out someone to share it with. We all have "Those Days," "Those Feelings." Are you the one God has sent to ask "How are you?" Be ready! They may just have something to say, for real!!
"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." Romans 15:5-7 ESV
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