A Labor of Love

What a glorious birthing it was. A true labor of Love. Just before she arrived, a wave of peace consumed me from the inside and just in the nick of time. A minute later and I may have just freaked out and lost it! Quitting was not an option at this point. There was no turning back...it was time!

Her name? Simulcast. She was a Beth Moore Simulcast! I bet there are some of you who think that sounds ridiculous and yet I have to believe I am not the only who has been part of birthing a women's ministry event like this. The anticipation. The deep breathing. The watching. The waiting. The pain. The thrill. The sacrifice. The emotions. The hope. The faith. The stretch. The push. The birth. She was a labor of Love.

I have noticed a pattern in my walk with the Lord of what I would consider Last Minute callings or inspirations. Days before a Bible study, an epiphany. In the middle of a coffee date, finally wisdom or practical help. Months and even weeks before an event, the call to do it. It's not totally rare, but it is consistent, which I think is rare. I dream of having more time to prepare and double and triple check details and correct errors but a deadline usually comes quicker than I have time for. Why can't I have Year Plans Lord?!?

So it was for this beautiful birth. A month ago, God said Guess What?!? Affirmation came a week later, then growth began. My heart and flesh stretched as I used muscles only God knew I had, some of which hurt a little from the strain and yet I believed He would not give more than I could handle. 

He is trustworthy I whispered to myself. I pressed on with the others, planning, preparing, getting the nest ready to welcome our guest. I couldn't help but wonder would I be ready for her? Was I good enough? Could I handle this? Had I done everything I could for her arrival? 

Grace followed every exhale of an anxious inhale. Yes, our Sweet Abba Father would be strong enough for He was greater than my own efforts. Because He conceived her in the womb of my soul, He would be faithful to provide and would equip me for all I needed to do my part as He did what only He could do. My part was to trust.

The day finally was upon us and it was the night before. It was such a quick moment and yet it felt like I had been ready forever, waiting and anticipating her debut. The night before we gathered together and made ready her stage, gathering all she would need, testing our connection strength and praying for her arrival. Then there, early Saturday morning, contractions of real labor began. I arrived at the center and was nearly giddy in anticipation and yet sick to my stomach I could have puked, but too joyful to give it a second thought. The show must go on as they say! Suddenly, we lost her signal and my breath escaped me. 

Nooooo....not now, we have come this far already, we can't loose her. My breath deepened and quickened. Sore from the week of stretching, I dropped to the floor on hands and knees before the Cross and began to rock back and forth in prayer, searching for words, searching for a glimpse of life in the dead silence, desperate for assurance, reminding myself He won't give you more than you can handle. He is trustworthy...He won't give more than we can handle....all things to His glory...all according to what He has planned, may it be so. Take this labor and make it Yours, I trust You...I trust You. Remove barriers and knock out walls, You King and Creator are over all things and we are Yours, she is Yours, protect her for Your glory Lord. 

Other circled the center praying likewise, binding all evil and keeping our Peace and Glory a Mighty force to be reckoned with in His Name. Hearts and hands were lifted and open, praising and pleading.  

After what seemed like hours in what was really only 20 minutes, we heard her! What pure joy! Her signal was strong. Her timing was perfect and God was proven faithful and trustworthy, worthy of all our praise just as He said He would be. Family and friends gathered together as One and rejoiced at her arrival. With shouts of joy, proclaiming the Great I Am, we had her! 

She was lovely just as we had dreamed she would be. Her delivery was smooth and it rocked our world. What a testimony she has. 92 women's lives were impacted because of this beautiful gift of love. What a blessing! What a delivery! What a gift!

Was she worth it? Yes. Will we do it again? Lord willing, YES!! God is good and God is faithful! Can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen?!?

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." 
Matthew 18:20 ESV

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." 
Romans 15:5-7 ESV

God Can Hear You Just Fine.

I thought I would share an excerpt from my journaling from December 2008 as panic and anxiety attacks consumed my life, churning up my once neat and tidy soil. God used this season to shake up and shape up my heart, mind and soul, ultimately pruning back much of me so that He could do a refining work, reestablishing my root system and growing in me something new.

As always, I pray as you read through these words you allow God to speak to you, that it would be His voice you hear and not mine. May you be encouraged and reminded in the truths, you are loved, you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, He is near. Satan wants nothing more than for you to doubt the love of God and begin loosing hope. 

The further we fall into the darkness of a pit, the harder it is to find our way back out. But the Good News is that God is Light and His Word is a lamp for our feet and a light on our path. He will lead you, and you must patiently follow, one step at a time, one breath at a time.

Never quit believing God is for you. Cling fast to what is Truth. Rest in His care.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Embarrassed and confused myself, I did not share what I was going through except with a select few family and friends. I am a pretty private person, and struggle with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I was also serving in leadership within my church with a heart to do Women's Ministry and Retreats. If they knew, I knew it would kill that dream and I would become useless in Kingdom Work. Was there a way to describe it watered down? Would they judge me? Would I become even more less than and unnecessary than I already felt...

If I couldn’t even understand what was happening to me, then how could I expect someone else to!? I felt crazy, how could they not think the same?! “I’ve lost my mind!” is a phrase I could relate to. And it didn’t mean I had become forgetful. When you feel like you’ve lost your mind, it’s scary. Your normal thought patterns and reasonings are lost. Once methodical and organized, two steps ahead of every need, you now find yourself scrambling to catch up and grab hold of a sound thought. It’s chaotic and uneasy. For a perfectionist like me, it pushed me to the edge of myself, feeling even more inadequate than before. Now, I was sure of it.

Every day I had to fight against the lies that God wasn’t there for me, He couldn’t hear me, He no longer had anymore patience, mercy or grace for me. My faith didn’t waver but my focus, patience and endurance did. Each day was not better than the other. Day after day I grew in my exasperation. I wanted to be healed and restored. Each prayer felt like an echo, bouncing back at me off the ceiling, my words empty and my hands weak. When would this end? How much longer could I take this torture?

One day in particular, at my wits end, exhausted, fearful, angry, I cried out desperate to God, almost demanding in my tone, “Please be with me. Where are You God? Why can’t You hear me?” A few minutes later as I sat in the middle of the floor of my play room trying to gather myself to get on with my day, I heard in my spirit to go to the front door so I did. I don't recall noticing a knock at the door and the beagle wasn't barking.

Opening the door, no one was standing there and no one was around the yard or in the street, but then I noticed a door hanger on my door. Weird. Normally my beagle hollers at intruders in the yard. I had just spent the past hour cleaning up (and talking to God) in the front playroom and never heard or saw anyone out the windows. The door hanger was from a new church coming to the area. You won’t believe what it said…in all caps..

”GOD CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.” 

What?!?! I stood taken back for a moment...in awe that He had not only sent me a divine message...but now I knew that He could really, really hear me. I knew that message was meant just for me. But that assurance was for a fleeting moment because my very next thought was, “Then if You CAN hear me why aren’t You helping me?!? Anger filled me, not joy. It was almost worse to know He actually could hear me but choose not to help me. 

I had been so desperate to hear Him, to feel Him, to get confirmation that He had not forgotten me or left me to this darkness consumed…and then He says He can hear me just fine. Ugh. My heart and stomach twisted inside me. My soul wept “Then why Lord….why?” Was He so done with me, this was the end? Had He had enough? Was I worth His time anymore? I figured I had nothing left to offer Him. I was at the end of me. I couldn’t fix me and if He wasn’t going to fix me, then I was useless, merely functioning as an empty shell, depleted, exhausted, scared, lonely and sad. I was frightened. I felt completely alone. And yet, there was life to manage inside my doors, inside my home, inside my church...inside my soul. 

A husband and 4 children who were counting on me to care for them, help them, cheer for them, provide for them. Little ones who couldn’t wait for Mommy to tuck them in and tickle their tummies and kiss them on their sweet cheeks as they let go of their day and submitted to sleep. Big kids needing help with homework, someone to talk to about their day and help them figure life-stuff out and of course to find their missing socks. And a husband who always needs my help! And how I wanted to be an Encourager in the Kingdom. I couldn't give up.  This is a battle I wouldn't win on my own. 

I prayed so deep and often, "God, strengthen me and engage me deep at my core....revive me and restore to me the joy of my salvation. Still my soul and steady my mind. There is nothing I want more than You."

Truth was, it was hard to stay joy-filled and energetic when I felt completely empty inside, but as I look back on this season, it was by the grace of God I was able to. At the time, it was me just gutting it through one hour at a time, longing for each morning’s mercies….and healing. In reality, it was He Who carried me and sustained every breath, every hug, every Mom moment, every day's laundry and to-dos as life went on day after day and I remained the same weeping soul. Grace helped and sustained me.

God was faithful even though it didn’t feel like it. He was near even though it didn’t seem He was.  Maybe this was my Moses moment, my Job moment. Was He testing my faith and trust in Him?

His Word tells us through and through, He is faithful, He loves us and is working for our good, to prosper and us and not harm us. Trials and tribulations are meant to burn off the old and make room for new growth. Pits and valleys are torturous but The Cross took on the pain and penalties for us. He took on all our suffering...for our good. 

        Next time you find your prayers hitting the ceiling, remain faithful and strong. Gather a few trustworthy people and ask them to intercede with you for this season. It'll help keep you strong as God reaches out to hug you through their prayers and presence. We always think it's an imposition to ask for help, and for a perfectionist, it's humbling but the fact is it is a blessing to be able to stand in the gap for another. This was part of the pruning I had to let go of too. 

Trials have so many layers and we will never know all the many things God is working in us and through us, despite us.

Friend, you are not alone. You are loved. You are heard. You are enough. You are seen. You are worth much. You have a purpose. Don't give up! Be still your soul and rest in Him.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 

and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 

who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 

for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 

1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV