Thanksgiving comes naturally in the midst of the current goodness or blessing but sometimes our thanksgiving comes from a place of deep pain or heartache. We are thankful to no longer be in pain anymore. We are thankful to have been saved from something, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. Remembering these moments are bittersweet. Painful remembrances yet remembered for the redeeming love that brought us through them. Bittersweet.
As many of you know from reading or hearing of my own testimony of God's refining rescue in my own life, November is that month of bittersweet reflection for me. So many times in God's Word He tells us to "remember" and "give thanks in all circumstances." As much as we want to forget times of pain in our lives, the valleys we had to crawl through served to build our spiritual muscles, the fires that burned us, didn't consume us but purified and refined us. I would never choose to walk through another valley or be tossed into a firery pit so it behooves me to take personal inventory of my life to make sure I am doing all I can to stay out of them.
Like Paul, I asked the Lord to remove the thorn from my flesh several times and the Lord saw it best not to. I can't help but think God wanted him to feel that twinge of a reminder lest he ever forget that bittersweet place in his life when God saved him. This was true for me too. I have moments in my heart (literally and figuratively) I feel that twinge from the remnants of the thorns that once pierced me.
I am brought back to September 2008 when our ladies Bible study was starting back up for the Fall Semester. The study was He Speaks to Me. For months I felt like I hadn't connected to God. I felt too busy, but a good busy. I just wasn't hearing Him and this study was advertised for just a person. I was breaking my back to be the perfect Wife, Mom, Friend, Church Servant. I was actually breaking my heart, and God's. My anxiety and perfectionism drove my high expectations of myself, as well as trying to be a perfect reflection of a Proverbs 31 woman who served her family, friends and community with perfection. Only to find myself frustrated and failing constantly. If I got one thing right, I missed 3 others. If I got the Wife of the Week Award, I got Worst Mom Award the same week and visa versa. I would get up and start the house cleaning, pushing the kids out the door for school so I could get to working and then feel the shame and loss of missing what I really wanted the morning to look like with a hot cooked breakfast, hugs and prayers. Or I would spend all day cleaning the outside yard and doing laundry only to be too exhausted to play with them when they got home...and then there were the bathrooms and picking up and cleaning the floors, running errands, trying to squeeze in a devotional and on and on. Sooooo much to accomplish and I just couldn't get it all done. I felt like I was on autopilot trying to get it "perfectly perfect" each new day. I thought, "One day...." I would get this whole Wife, Mom, Friend, Christian woman life right...but that day never came. And no wonder I felt distant from God. I was too busy with my own list to consider His. I was so concerned about my own perfectness, I missed His perfectness. I feared my failures instead of fearing my God.
My thoughts screamed at me constantly to try harder and do this and that. There was no silence or rest to hear what God had to say. And yes, I worshiped throughout the day, jamming out to my Christian music. And yes, I prayed as I thought of someone of something I needed to pray for. And yes, I attempted to do my Bible study lessons for the week only to cram in a few days at a time to make sure I didn't show up without answers. I wanted to reflect God perfectly and my intentions perfectly, so I made sure that by all outward appearances, I had it together, proving that as a Christian woman, I...we...really could "do all things in Christ who is my strength." Phil 4:13. However, it was breaking my heart, and God's.
I couldn't seem to find my own way out of this performance cycle and God stepped in to give me a hand. My study book actually went missing during Week 2 homework. How embarrassing is that?! I lost my book? After two weeks? Good grief!! I did not want to go back to class but I was responsible for leading the worship time each week. I had to still show up. Ohhhh, I thought of excuses to hide, but I wasn't going to lie in order to hide. Filled with complete embarrassment, I went and sat with blank paper and pen. My teacher and friend offered me a weekly email with the Scripture verses that I could look up and write my thoughts down and I would at least be able to stay on topic with the ladies.
The first day I sat down with her email, shaking my head, I opened my Bible to read and reflect on each scripture. I felt a small stirring in my spirit. Each day that week, I remember feeling excited to look up the next set of scriptures. I realized that over the years, I had gotten really good at doing Bible studies, without the Bible. I dug deep and took into consideration what the author was trying to teach that day, making sure I got the right answers and not really ever needing to open my own Bible to honestly find what God was trying to say. (One reason I don't like when authors write the verse for you in the study book, replacing the need for using a Bible. It spiritually spoon fed me. I didn't have to work for anything or discover the Living Water personally. I got sips of theirs.) I had forgotten or maybe gotten too distracted or maybe even too lazy or too busy and was forgetting who's word I needed to discern and dig deep into.
God's Word is a healing balm and it refreshes the soul. I began to thirst for it every morning, even if I didn't get to it till the afternoon time. Oddly enough, the very last week, I found my book. It had been kicked under the computer desk, don't know how or by whom, and I just had to laugh. God had obviously taken it away from me so that I could truly do a Bible study. I realized then, I needed to be in His Word, literally.
Eventhough my desire for His Word was ignited again, I still was attempting the "perfectly perfect" life of a Christian woman of God who did all things with joy, grace and perfection evidenced by her well kept home, healthy meal planning, well behaved and respectful children, a smiling and adoring husband with a smile on her face all the while I was screaming and dying on the inside of all my trying. My heart was failing. My spirit was defeated. My mind was spinning. And yes, I was still praying but my prayers were for help...to be perfect in all that I felt I needed to be and do. And yes, I still worshiped the God who was my source of all....perfection. My strength in my weakness. Oh how deceptive and slick evil is.
One day, December 6, 2008, God turned off my autopilot and put me in neutral. All of a sudden, my life had lost control. The tight hold I had on my life was gone. Through a very dark season of fear, crying out from the depths of darkness, trying still to keep the face of faith on, I quickly found myself in a pit of nothingness. I imagined myself being overcome by the quicksand of life, slowly sinking further and suffocating in the end. I was drowning in my soul. I saw no rescue. I felt no peace. My hope was breaking to pieces just like my heart. My faith was shaking just as my mind was tossed back and forth.
But why?!? At the time, I didn't understand why this was happening. My whole aim in life was to do my best at being a "perfect" Christian woman of God. To make the right choices and do all the right things for God, for myself, for my family, for others. And there it was. I was trying to be perfectly perfect at being perfect, concerned with how I appeared to God and to others rather than being concerned with how I appeared to God and how God appeared to me. My life was a series of To-dos that needed to be done with perfection instead of a life of To-be that needed to be done for for the glory and pleasure of a Perfect God.
Satan constantly reminded me that I was imperfect, never able to measure up to what I thought I should be. I felt shame, embarrassment and guilt at the truth of this knowing I could never get it all perfectly right. But God.... He stepped in and reminded me that I am perfectly imperfect in His name. For the first time, I felt grace and mercy at the truth of knowing that while I could never do all things or be all things perfectly, that in Him, I could stand before Him and rest knowing that I was made perfect in Him through my imperfections. 2 Corinthinas 12:9-10 "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
God took back control of my life and with His gentle yet firm hand, He lifted me out of that darkness and set me back on level, steady ground, my sure foundation! I felt my breath again. For the first time, I felt perfectly perfect, to be imperfect. My thirst for Living Water refreshed my heart, soul and spirit day after day. I woke up early in the morning to give Him my first fruits. I began and ended my days in thanksgiving for His healing grace, His strength despite my weakness, His grace despite my selfishness and pride, His unconditional love and acceptance for this imperfect girl.
I no longer sought perfectionism in me. I no longer feared failure. I could finally find rest in my Perfect God. The shattered pieces of my heart, soul and mind were gathered together, and refined by His Fire. I realized how "me" centered my life had become when all my heart really wanted was a "God" centered life. The Pharisees had the same issues. While they knew God, they lived life according to the rules and to-dos and completely missed worshiping and knowing God's Himself, knowing His love personally, living with hope, joy, peace, love, trust and anticipation. They were on autopilot to stay the course and obey the rules, doing all kinds of good and making sure they played the part of righteous ones well. They missed the mark and lived a "me" centered life even though I bet if you asked them, they would probably would have said it was most certainly a "God" centered life.
It took months of prayer, being in God's Word consistently, meditating on His Word, embracing His love and forgiveness, seeking accountability, desiring His will for my day and not my own, to finally and truly be free from the bondage of "me" and becoming free indeed!!!!
While the valley has thorns and the fire leaves scars, they are beauty from the ashes to my heart and soul. They remind me of God's great love and compassion for His children and how He desperately desires us to know Him, not just know of Him. Not just do things and be things in His name, but to do and be things because of His name.
If I want to boast about God and experience His power resting on me, then I will "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses," and learn to be "content in my weaknesses." Not easily done when you are a recovering perfectionist!!! But it is possible with a healthy dose of humility and God's power!!! I think I had it backwards all those years...I was concerned about displaying the potential of Me as a Child of God instead of the perfectness and potential of my God. My Potential vs. God's Possible....I am perfectly imperfect but God is what is perfectly perfect. Satan wants us to only see the truth of who we are to shame us and cause us to drown in our own quicksand, but God stands as our Protector and Shield reminding us that in Him, we have been given power in Jesus Name to overcome and enable us to be more than conquerers in His Name. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus and nothing can separate us from His hold on us! (Romans 8) I am imperfect, "all have sinned" so Satan is right. But God....He redeems us and washes us clean, making us perfectly imperfect in Him! "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13
I hope this reaches the drowning heart of another person who feels like they can hardly breath. You feel like you are on autopilot. You are running so fast that you don't feel like your feet are touching the ground sometimes and if they do, it is because you have fallen hard. May I encourage you to take a deep breath and breath in the grace of God's overpowering love and exhale all your efforts. You think you can keep going and doing all the good busy stuff you want or need to do and do it all in the name of Jesus, but if you don't stop and place yourself into His care and purpose of being and doing, and get Him truly at the center of you, He will gently but firmly save you from yourself, but let me tell you, the fear of that darkness will not quickly be forgotten. Much better that you heed warnings that you are approaching quicksand before you find yourself suffocating in it. It is much better to fall on your knees than to be brought to your knees...I promise you!!! And yet how bittersweet that once we have been on our knees, we will once again stand!!!!! Bruised and blistered, yes... but not destroyed!! Refined, not refused!! Loved, not lost!!
" But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; "
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
If you have lost your thirst for the Word...if you feel like you do not have control over your days...if you feel like you are going to scream...if you feel like God is far away...if you feel there is no hope and you are sinking in quicksand...if you feel alone and forsaken...you feel like a complete failure...may I gently and firmly remind you that both God and Satan are at work in your life and you have to decide who's voice you will listen to and believe. Satan is the Father of Lies and God is the Father of Love. Satan wants to destroy you from the inside out but God will heal you from the inside out. God has not forsaken you. You are perfectly imperfect and greatly loved. You are not alone. You are not a lost cause. There is a Redeemer name Jesus Christ who has come to set the captive free and it is in Him you will find your strength, joy, peace beyond measure. Reach out and take hold of Him again. You must pray, put on your armor and fight for your life in Christ. Right now, there is a battle for your heart, soul and mind that you cannot see but you are probably feeling so you must believe that you are more than a conquerer. Victory has already been declared on the Cross and it is yours to receive! You do not need to give up the fight here on earth to end the chaos and pain. Our Redeemer lives. Peace is here now! The King of kings and Lord of lords, the Ruler over all things, people and principalities stands strong guarding His children. Get into His Word, the Living and Active, 2 edged sword, and let Him heal and help you out of the darkness. His "word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105 You cannot give up or quit. You must replace your "me" centeredness with God at the center again. Fall on your knees and cry out to Him in all honesty and faith, believing He is who He says He is and can do just as He has promised in His Word. Do not doubt His love or ability, and do not doubt that you are worthy of His love. God will be your rescue but you need to do your part and be willing to be rescued. Pray. Seek. Believe. Hope. Surrender. Reclaim your life in Him and live the life He has planned and purposed just for you. Look up Friend and stand once again on steady ground, a Sure Foundation because He is that Foundation!! If you do not have the strength to reach up, then reach out and ask for help. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf but God also calls others to do the same. You may have been too much into yourself to look out an notice the hands and feet of God reaching out to you. Open your eyes and see that the Lord is good and He is near! Do not be afraid to take off the Perfect Mask and reveal yourself to others. Be authentic and real. Be careful who you trust and seek out those who will love you through Christ's love and care. Remember, you are strongest when you are the weakest, it just may not feel that way yet!!
"And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son." Revelation 21:6-7
My name is Michele, and I am a Perfectly Imperfect Woman of God!
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