10 years Since Fear Was my Middle Name and Where Faith Is was born

"I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again." - Philippians 1:23-26

What a conversation it was. This was the essence of my conversation with the Lord beginning in December 2008. Better is one day with Him than thousands elsewhere, and I wanted so badly to feel His presence again...I knew He wasn't done with me, so I always hoped...oh Lord give me Grace, give me hope, give me courage to be Your Light and Encouragement to others. Use me to be Your hugs here on Earth to those who don't feel them. For those who feel useless and unseen, less than and yet want so badly to share Light and Love in Your name, Please Lord, I wish it could be Me! 

That has always been my desire and my hope for life and ministry. I have always desired to love God and others with all my heart but that soul mission led by love, was controlled by fear. All the What if's and I can'ts became part of my being. I was the most prepared person for defeat because fear was my active middle name, not Eileen which was what my Mom had given.

Today marks 10 years since the beginning of what would be a transforming season of redefining, refining, and heavy sifting. I could write longer than you'd care to read about this journey and all I have learned but I will spare you as this is lengthy enough. 

This is Where Faith Is birthed from. A place of journaling, processing, exposing, sharing, ministering and documenting. Looking back, that time was painful and terrifying, and yet divine and exhilarating. Intense for a season but growth for a lifetime! As much as I prayed for the Lord to restore me back "the way life was", I am glad He didn't. I didn't know life without fear until it was gone and there was no going back! Freedom is incredible and life altering. 

In that season I was madder than I had ever been at God in my life and then more in love with Him than I had ever been in my life. It was a gloriously intense season. I am thankful God doesn't answer exactly what we ask, but chooses to allow what is for our good, that He may receive all the glory. Remember this when you too face hard moments or seasons. I promise you, He is up to something for you, not against you. 

We may not ever fully understand or see the fruit of suffering, but there is a trust that is foundational to the hope we must stand on even when, especially when, we cannot see.

Satan may be whispering in your ear...give up...you don't matter...no one will miss you if you're not here...God doesn't really love you like He loves others...you won't ever get over "it"...God won't remain patient with you...you'll never be good enough...God can't use you...you're not able...you're not enough...So many other people will do it better than you...etc. Absolute LIES!! These are lies from the the great deceiver.

Friend, You are loved, cherished, covered, forgiven, enough, ready, equipped, necessary and instrumental to the glory of God! Every drop of blood He gave, was meant for you too! He wants you, and others need you!! God has planned a purposeful life for you and only He knows how many days that will be for each of us so who are we to be wasteful or careless with these precious breaths?!? 

The sheep do not instruct the Shepherd, nor does the clay teach the Potter. What a wonderful day when we learn to live each day fully, without regret, without fear, without worry. Even in trials, we are being refined and strengthened as we are walking through Fire which doesn't burn, because He is near.

So today especially I count it all joy for the season of great pain and fear for it was there I came out out of the prison without chains, out of the firery furnace whole. I walked away from the constant bullying of a goliath who stood tall in my face since childhood. Thanks to The Lord's mercy, fear no longer controlled me or shackled me, now Love could truly lead. 

Although my salvation gives me eternal freedom, through my relationship with Christ, I have learned the blessing and reality of earthly freedom. I am learning to live authentically as the person God created me to be, fully embracing Grace as my hope and redemption as the reason, the only power I need for the purpose I was created for, to walk out each day courageously and reflecting the glory of God, so that others will discover their freedom too through the words of my testimony.

I didn't realize I was tethered to defeat deep in the pit of fear. It's just what I knew. My perfectionism and fear of judgement kept me careful and cautious, cornered into a comfort zone I falsely believed I would surely honor God because there, I would not disappoint, because I did not fail, because I did not commit to things I didn't feel I could do. Fear, in the name of humility, became my identity and dictated my choices and impacted my ministry, my marriage and most every area of my life. Choices that made me small.

I excused my shy and unqualified self as reasons to avoid leadership opportunities. I recognized and accepted my place in the Can'ts because it just felt easier and a place I wouldn't disappoint others. But God...the Great I Am who Is and says I Can. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...I once was blind but now I see! If you don't see the chains, how will you ever break them? If you don't ever climb out of the pit, how will you see life, Light and love? If you don't choose action and harvest, how will you ever experience growth? We must first allow His truths to speak to us, then we must BELIEVE them!

Jesus is faithful hope. Jesus is stronger than you and therefore will conquer all you cannot. Jesus loves without condition. Christ our Lord forgives, and has already counted the cost of your unbelief and sins and He paid it in full! He loves you!!! How amazing! When we truly grasp this truth and live our life as if it's true, what joy! What freedom!

Oh the blessings of seeing the God's heart over these past 10 years in every area of my life. Joy floods my soul and blows my mind. Fear is not the comfort zone you think it is. It's a cage but good news friend...you can break out of it in Jesus Name! So many Believers suffer in silence with defeating thoughts or behaviors, shamed and embarrassed, so if this is YOU, I am challenging you to: 

-tell someone trustworthy and keep accountability
-pray without ceasing
-fight the war with weapons unseen
-seek intercessors who will fight for you, reminding you Who's you are
-walk through the fire courageously anticipating a beautiful refining when you're out the other side and do not fear
-get stronger not weaker surrounded by likeminded people and walk by faith
-memorize and meditate on His promises
-worship in all you say, do and think. 

Need some practical advice?!? I know this sounds impossible right now, but trust me...serve somewhere. I know you probably don't feel like it, but do it! Get outside of your own square footage. Do an act of kindness. Get out of the house. Go for a walk, invite a friend to join you. Fear and shame isolates us. Break out of that pit and see!

Need even more practical suggestions?!? Drink lots of water, eat a good healthy meal and watch your caffeine intake. Get up and move! Walk, dance, clean, serve! Do not just sit around and sulk. Pray without ceasing and count your blessings!!

 
More? Start a Blessing Journal and write down a minimum of one a day then SAY IT ALOUD. Understand the Love your Father has for you!! Wrap your mind around the the fact He has created you to be His. He sees you right where you are. Nothing escapes Him. Together, we are a city on a hill for the nations! Turn up that worship music and dance! Sing it with purpose and declaration so the enemy cringes and flees. Let him understand he cannot cage you anymore.

Stay strong and rebuke the lies of the enemy. Satan is not for you. He wants to destroy you. God saves!! God is our joy, peace and hope forever! His Grace is all you need and by faith, when you surrender to His care, He will flood you with Peace that surpasses all understanding. Breath in His Grace and be still that anxious soul. He's got you and He won't let you go!!!

May every day be a day we count as joy to be loved by The Great I Am, for His mercies are new every morning and His heart bleeds for ours. Rejoice always. Give thanks. Dwell in His abundance and trust His ways. May this be our battle plan!!! Going to church is not the answer, memorizing Scripture is not the answer, praying loud is not the answer. Jesus is the Answer and resting in Him, worshiping Him and receiving His great love is the fullness of Life! Jesus is not looking for performers. He is seeking hearts.

Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world. We are more than conquerers! We are His! Nothing can separate us from the love of God! Amen.

Don't give up! Don't quit. Nothing can hinder what God has planned. Will you trust Him enough by faith? Our healing and help begins with Love Himself. Seek Him. If you need more help, reach out to a counselor or pastor and ask for it! It's never too late. Mercies are new every day!

Don't let today's pain keep you from all the tomorrows' blessings!! You are more than a Conquerer and He's making all things new!! Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!! 

Thanking God today, for not allowing me to live another day shackled to fear and insecurity. There are thorns. There are scars. There are more layers to unravel in the process of healing and growth and it's okay. 

I never want to forget what it took to bring me to the feet of the Cross where Christ was all I had. 

To know His breath. 

To hear His voice. 

To experience His touch. 

Oh how wonderful the Prince of Peace. 

I look forward to every day with my Sweet Savior, King, Father, and Friend knowing He provides for the purpose He has called me to even when I am clueless or feel lost. 

Don't be surprised at continued trials and temptations, there will always be "those" days in every season. Until the day of Glory, He is still working in us and the enemy is still lurking. Stand firm in the Father's arms, He's got you!

God knows. God hears. God is near and He loves you! Live fully in this freedom! You are not alone, ever!

Thankful for Love, Grace, Hearts and Hope!! God, You have my heart!!! Thank You for Yours for me!! In You I rest and live, amen.

Mountain of Fear to Cracks and Gaps

I look back now and wonder how my life could have been different if I would have walked in the freedom of The Cross, being more confident and courageous, taking risks, one willing to fail and face rejection, not only in life, but within relationships with others and especially the Lord!? Oh the pit owned by Woulda, Coulda, and Shoulda. Thank God for the Great I Am! The God of Today! The God of all the Yesterdays!!! New mercies are ours. New opportunities! New spiritual muscles to climb of Will, Can and Should to climb out of any pit we fall into!!

Over the years, the fear of rejection (from God and others) built a mountain-sized wall, rock by rock, around my heart that allowed my heart to control the flow, pouring outward, not inward. I knew how insecure, anxious, inadequate and unintelligent I was on the inside. I couldn't let anyone know how "empty" I was on the inside. Receiving any sort of recognition or praise, and even help from others felt wrong to me. If they only knew I didn't deserve it. And I wanted to be the one helping. It’s like taking the 1st Place trophy when you clearly came in 4th Place. It wasn’t right. I had a very pure heart with a genuine honesty that I absolutely could not take something that someone else deserved more, especially knowing I did not. So, the walls slowly built. Walls of pride and perfection that said, Here I am whole-heartedly...however, it's a one-way road. Picture a volcano. The stuff comes out but nothing comes in. Constantly flowing outward, nothing comes back up the mountain. It had been established there with rocky façade to make sure no one could climb in. Sure, I wanted love to come in, I am a heart-felt person, but I was afraid. Afraid they would see I didn’t deserve their friendship or gift. Fear they would see I was actually nothing, a nobody. Fear they would betray me. Fear they would make fun of me. Fear became my Protector. It was my constant Security Guard controlling the world around me. No one was permitted beyond a certain point. Satan fed me the lie that to honor God well, I had to reflect God in His perfection, sacrifice self, deny myself. He has been clever at distorting the truths of God since the beginning of time.

I prayed for the opportunity to meet others where they were and encourage them, however, no one was allowed to join me where I was. I remember when my parents announced they were getting a divorce the summer of my Sophomore year in high school, and I zipped up my upper lip, got in my car, and got busy. I stayed busy with school work and dance team. I could be found at the church every second the door was open, playing volleyball or cleaning, helping others do whatever they needed, all to keep busy. I was most certainly devastated but I didn't show it. After time, I didn't see it anymore. It was buried in lava. I remained strong and available for everyone else, and for me. They would know how strong I was if I kept smiling and it would then prove my emotional and spiritual maturity. And, I could appear "just fine" to be there to encourage them in their time of need. Oh how backwards I was!!!

 Even as I have this conversation with you, I am praying God strengthens me to be transparent in my heart's thoughts, feelings and attitudes. As heart-driven of a person I am, I still struggle with fear, even though it is to a much lesser degree than in years past. Praise The Lord!! While I am shy by nature, fear is a thorn in my side, a scar on my soul, a pit in a tiny corner of my heart. It's a wound only the pure Grace of God can heal. Walls have been built and set for many, many years. They were built high and wide to protect and block pain from entering in. I felt protected, safe and self-sufficient behind my walls. They were thick. This may not have been the healthiest way for me to avoid pain but it was the easiest.

Everyone else seemed to be bold and courageous, strong and beautiful. It just wasn’t me. I had settled into the shy girl role and was fine right there. Eventually, I also settled into the ditzy-blonde girl role given to me, accepting all the dumb blonde jokes and their implications. In the 90’s it was not easy being blonde. You either had to bounce around bubbly-dumb or spend a lot of time and energy proving people wrong which is what I attempted. Although I will admit, I never was the smartest girl in the room, I still wasn’t dumb! Over the years, I simply asked God, my very Best Friend, to fill my void of intimacy and sustain me. To be clear, God should be our most intimate relationship. He should be the One who fills our heart and spirit. I am referring to when we reject other genuine relationships. 

Surrounded by people all the time, it was such an internally lonely existence and yet all the while I was being fooled by feeling God-honoring, righteous and purposeful, that my feelings didn’t really matter, I was all about ministering to others, others needed love, joy, hope and encouragement. Not me. Besides, I had Jesus as my BFF and that’s all I needed. And, if I wanted Him to stay close to me and not leave me, because then I would really be alone, I needed to do right, act right and be selfless. Jesus is Grace! I thought grace was for everyone else, something you could earn, something you could get, something you deserved. Wrong! Grace is a gift! Jesus is Grace!

God desires us to rely on Him, trusting His judgement over our own, as we live in community with each other. God places specific people in our life to bring us closer to Him, be it us giving into their life or us receiving from them. Not every relationship will look the same and neither will it have the same dynamic as others. We cannot fully know why God brings certain people into our lives but one thing we can know, that He is in control and works all things out for our good and His glory. 

I have some friends who I think it’s a no-brainer we are friends with so much in common and just enough differences that they are a healthy sharpening, “as iron sharpens iron.” Proverbs 27:17. We need each other to grow. Then there are those “uncommon” friends who you wonder what you could possibly have in common and then all you see is God between you! We need each other to grow. Sadly, others hurt us in such a way that we learn harder life lessons, finding joy, peace, comfort and strength through sorrow, betrayal, hurts and loss. We need each other to grow. Every person touches us one way or another. We need each other to grow, and glorify the Father. What a shame to keep all the good ones out just to avoid the few painful ones. And to miss all those blessings and growth?!? We need each other! Remember, His way, His time, His glory! Our faith needs to be in the One who is ruler of this world and the spiritual world. He knows and sees everything! He is the Author of Life, beginning to end! 

Since God's rebuilding of my heart to look and function more like His, I can say that He has been sooo gracious to take down those jagged lava stones one at a time. Evidently I wasn't moving at the pace God wanted me to, so He blessed my boots off with a few Rock Climbing Sisters who relentlessly climbed on over my heavily guarded rocks! The change of Guard finally happened and My Rock replaced My Fear. Till this day, God stands guarding my heart and I know that He will only allow in what He knows to be for my good and His glory. I trust Him.

 Oh, how I wish I would have lived a life of greater trust, faith and obedience before now. And honestly, how I pray I always will. I hope I do. I plan to. I wonder how many times blessings passed me by over the years?! How often that “cool” thing could have been an “awesome” thing? I had become deceived that my feelings didn’t matter. Why did I think that? Why were my needs any less of a concern or importance than any one else’s? I believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough, others had it worse than me, I needed to be strong and prove my faith. With God by my side, surely I ought to be just fine...He is my strength, right? He is my joy, right? Yes, but those are grace enabling attributes because of The Power of The Cross. Not because I was strong or good enough. All God, none of me! 

Ministering seemed to be a way for me to compensate for my inadequacy as I tried to prove my perfection as I helped others be “perfect” and feel loved and valued. They are so precious, imagine what God could do through them if they would just know how valuable and capable they were. When I got honest with myself, I realized it was true. I hid behind all my doings, keeping busy with others, using my gifts of compassion and encouragement, which distracted me from my own issues, plus I thought I was honoring God with my gifts and my heart, "considering others better than myself." 

I guess I knew what inadequacy felt like and I didn’t want others to feel that way too. I knew how cowardly I felt and I wanted others to feel courageous and strong. My imperfect self would help others feel perfect and special. If you could see me right now, shaking my head. Writing those words down, I just cringe, shaking a spiritual fist at my younger self! Back then, my way of thinking made perfect sense in my head, but on paper, and now looking back, what twisted truths crafted into lies, molded straight from the pit of darkness. Everyone else deserves (blank) more than me. Their needs were greater. They were more worthy and had more potential to go further and I would help them do it, praying over them, doing life and Bible study with their interest and soul in mind. Never mind me. I was fine with Jesus as my BFF. What more did I need!?! Grace! That's what I needed! And eventually a holy spanking to knock that non-sense outa me!  

Becoming a Mom only made matters worse! The "suck it up" part of parenting kicks in, the "lead by example" pressure is high. Following all the world's expectations of raising a "law abiding citizen with manners and a perfect outfit"...my wanting a perfect life just got harder....the fears, lies, hopes, and expectations only rooted deeper. 

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda…here I am now and there is absolutely nothing any of us can do to change the paths that have already been walked. We can, however, choose today, to take a new path! Thank God we can begin a new direction on the road of forgiveness, grace and redemption! Praise God for His mercies that are new each and every morning! So, how am I different now? I am still shy at heart, that's just how God molded me in my demeanor, but I am not hidden or afraid. I acknowledge my gift of encouragement from the Lord and I walk in His strength and abilities to do it as I always have, however, I don't hide behind my own hurts, insecurities and failures in order to love on others. It is because of my own hurts that I can understand theirs. I pray my imperfections highlight the perfection of a Saving God! Through all my cracks and gaps, I pray others see Jesus. If they judge me, hurt me, betray me, belittle me, I trust the Guard of my heart to take care of them on my behalf! And He will take care of me just as He promises He will. Thank You Lord for my perfectly imperfect life!!! 

May I take a moment and tell you how precious you are to the Lord?! You may not feel precious in your life and you may be desperate for validation and assurance that you are worthy of Grace. Let me tell you, from someone who wondered the same things, YES! Yes, you already are. Even in your mistakes. Even in the midst of crisis. Even when you make poor choices. Even when your heart wrongfully is led by pride, perfection and even a twisted truth of righteousness. You are deeply, unconditionally, loved and Grace can set you free if you will just climb out of your pit, or off your mountain, whichever place you find yourself!! Dig out of there and into The Word of God. You will not know the lies until you know The Truth. Read it for the sake of wisdom and discernment but for the sake of grace, be truth and love to yourself and others! He knows your heart. He gave it to you!! 

 "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in Him, "If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, 

and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 

John 8:31-32 ESV.

“Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness to see me through my immature and selfish, fearful days. Create in me a clean heart O Lord, day after day. Grant me renewed boldness, honesty and spirit led determination to work out my salvation to bring You glory.  May You always be the Guard over my heart, my soul and my mind that fear will have no room. God, I still ask you to completely remove the thorn in me that I would be fully free. I know I am nothing and I am undeserving of Your amazing grace gift, but Lord, I accept it and thank You with a humble heart who's eyes are set on You! I acknowledge my imperfections Lord and am so grateful that You certainly are my strength, all I need! May others see the image of Your beauty within me. It is my desire that You so fill me up that all others can see is You. Consume me from the inside out. Burn away all the lies and saturate me with Your truth! Remind us in our weak moments Lord that You are near. Thank You for sending Rock Climbers into our lives to reach our core. Help us to encourage each other from genuine hearts that are open and honest too. May we never seem perfect to others but rather, help them to see the You, the only Perfect One!!  “Better is one day in Your house than thousands others!” Psalm 94:10 Amen!

“Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to Your love remember me, for You are good, O Lord.” Psalms 25:4-7