We are The Dickerson Girls!!!! Living in a home with a man and 3 boys ages 15, 12 and 5, there is always action and believe it or not DRAMA!!! But that may be simply from the fact that there are SIX people living under the same roof and more than half of them are under the age of 15!!!!!
Tonight I am just returning home from my Tuesday Night WOMAN's Bible Study. It is led by an incredibly gifted, passionate and energetic, real, God-fearing and God-loving Woman of God. Her passion for Truth is contagious and as "iron sharpens iron" so she does. These Tuesday Night Studies have encouraged me and sharpened me in many ways, many more probably that I don't even realize until God one day says, "Lookie there!" Aside from the obvious study material and a teacher who is sure to drive home the "Better Get This" points, we also are held accountable for our scripture memory like no other!! If there was a buzzer, I bet she'd use it!! REALLY!!!
It has been a fear of mine for most of my life to fail. Not only a fear of reflecting God in a negative light but also as a person who appears ignorant or "totally blonde." Years ago, I would have avoided a study like this where people are encouraged to talk and be vulnerable in their humanness. I would have run and not returned. Shy, Inadequate, not for me. I liked the video studies in large groups with obvious answers to the homework so I could hide in the back and be the first to leave before an social awkwardness in sued! I've heard the blonde jokes my whole life and yes they are funny but they also sink in, maybe not so funny afterall. I admit I do struggle with memory work with anything, not just scriptures and that feeds into my fear of feeling like a failure when I cannot remember something. As a Christian, if I followed all the commandments and trusted Him for everything and had His grace and joy and peace, I would not be having a bad day or a season of painful trials, right?!? How I thought I let God down every time I experienced a negative thought or behavior or didn't get something right. Not talking about how sin grieves Him, but me just being me and claiming to be His Child...how disappointed He must be in...me.
One at a time, God brought into my life very special women who not only taught me Truths about God but also showed me Christ-like love. Not even knowing it, they were grace gifts to me from a loving God who saw me important enough to bring these amazing women into my life.
So enters Tuesday Night Gals. I am asked to pray...outloud....infront of 20 people! Yikes! Please God don't make me look stupid infront of them. God, please help me remember their names so I don't look stupid. I am given the opportunity to do logistics and praying I don't mess something up horribly and reflect poorly on our teacher who I stand representing, and Christ, and NEHBC. Me, me, me. Week after week, this "me" turned to You.
I was given the opportunity to be myself, and be accepted and loved and challenged through these studies...it has been a tool God has and is using to draw my heart and mind into alignment with His. Do I trust Him to use even me?!? Can I walk in Grace that I can honor Him simply by trusting Him in these inadequacies I see in me. Do I trust that He has me covered!?! YES!!!!! FINALLY I can say YES!!! Time and time again He has shown me His amazing Grace!! Throughout the love poured through this unique core group, I am sharpened, cutting through to the heart and spirit, dividing truth from lies, bondages and a hardened heart. There is joy unending. There is freedom in real love. God has used these evenings to open up layers of "stuff."
Although I have to be honest that I prefer to pray quietly and blend in rather than be in the front and center of stuff, I count it a joy and honor to pray aloud. What a privilege to not only speak on others' behalf in intercession or petition but to share my own personal intimacy with the Lord with the other women. While I do stand with a reverent fear of words and purity of heart that pleases the Lord, there is no concern for what other think about me or my prayers. I am where I am and it is what it is! My relationship with the Lord is more important to me than anything anyone may say. I know that He loves me unconditionally because His Word says so, even though I don't fully get it and certainly don't deserve it, I do want my words and thoughts to be pleasing to Him; therefore there is no condemnation (aka:failing) with the Lord. He sees my heart and for that, I have freedom from judgement.
Freedom of judgment brings such great joy to my heart after sooooo many years of guarding it so closely!!! God has blessed me sooooo much over the past few years that I sit here bubbling with joy, nearly laughing with a full heart, a sure testimony of the graciousness and goodness of God!! There is just something special that takes place with "the girls." There's a mutual understanding. There's a laugh that comes from the center of your heart that happens when girls are together. Yes, I love my husband and my kids but tonight I am focused on the relationships between Just the Girls and how precious and refreshing and fun it is. Sometimes it is hard, those relationships are out there too. But tonight, I am looking up to the Heavens counting one blessing at a time, naming all my Sister Friends by name!! How grateful I am for the gift of Sisterhood!!
The blessings and lessons are many and I think my heart has bubbled over with many words so I will say Good Night and God Bless You with a heart full of His Love and Grace!!!
Thank You Jesus for blessing us in community within our families, church and and the world and especially for those near whom You have given to meet us in the center of our life, our heart where You placed them for such a time as this. I do not fear failing, just fear missing out on giving You due glory, honor and praise. Lord, forgive me when I sin and grieve You. My heart and mind want to be excellent for You and not for the impression of those watching. May my heart, mind and soul be so centered and grounded in You that I can stand confident and courageous in the face of the enemy. God, I worship You above all others for there is none like You!! My spirit and heart are full this Tuesday Night and I thank You Lord for that nourishment, encouragement and opportunity to experience joy in Your Name. Humbled and Happy, because You live, amen.
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