Alone Time, Together

Sometimes you need a little Sista time but we always need a little alone time. Jesus leads us in example throughout the Scriptures of Sabbath rest, and prayer times both alone and with His disciples. These days it seems nearly impossible to find alone time, between the day's activities and access to enough social media to occupy an entire day. 

There's much to keep up with in world events, and technology is constantly changing. I suppose we are afraid of missing something should we step away from the spotlight for a few minutes, Lord have mercy, a whole day. Then, when we finally do get to that place in our day to take a break, in any amount, we feel guilty and selfish taking time away from all that we could or should be doing.

It’s one thing to do it excessively and to the detriment of your work, home and self, and “running away” from your circumstances is not an option here. I’m referring to a specific moment of aloneness. It may be early morning or late night moments, 10 minutes sitting in the car at the grocery store or parent pick up, or during a lunch hour at the park. 

Maybe you’re able to take a day every month or a weekend once a year. We are all at different places in our life seasons and abilities to get away but what we have in common is the need for purposeful resting alone. Time to clear our minds and be still in our moments with the ultimate goal of worship. 

Our culture doesn’t allow quiet so you must fight for it. We can get apps and alarms and appointments 24/7. We must choose it. I love girlfriend lunches and coffee dates, time out with the family and at the same time, I need free time for just me. It wasn't always that way in my life. This was something I learned the hard way.

After so many years of going and going, never putting myself in my top priority list, I finally broke. My body, mind and soul fatigued out. The strive for perfection, the constant worry of making right choices for my 4 children, serving in my home and at the church, taking care of the big ol house myself, was too much. I didn’t allow myself to ever rest physically, emotionally or spiritually. I lived busy and full, happy and blessed...just very, very stressed. 

The expectations of self were sky high and unattainable. As an encourager, it's funny to me how much grace I was able to extend to others, and not myself. No one had to prove anything to me yet I felt like I had to prove myself to every one, and as an insecure girl, that's a crazy cycle to live in because there never was a point of feeling valid, and so it went. Always striving, never attaining.

December 2008 will forever be a mark of time in my life story. God implemented a forced rest to say the least which I resisted hard in the beginning. During this forced period of unrestful rest of panic and anxiety attacks, I had to learn the discipline of stillness and breathing in grace. Even there in the quiet house, it was loud and suffocating. 

Here in this season, I learned to sit by still waters despite sitting in the darkest of valleys. To feast on the Bread of Life when my body was wanting to reject nourishment and simply quit. When I was still, and the Word of God was pouring into me, grace abounded and love for Peace Himself filled me and revived my soul. As someone who was a giver by nature, I learned how to be a receiver in spirit. 

I wish someone had told me in my younger years how important these moments of alone were to the human soul. Not only to clear the mind and settle the physical body in rest, but in these moments to allow God to pour into us where we have need. Being alone and being still is a sacrifice. It's not enough to turn off the TV while you do laundry, or listen to your audio Bible app while you are getting ready for the day. We need to give ourselves permission to stop. 

Set a timer if you must so your mind can be at peace. The hardest part is the constant nagging impulse to get up and be productive, such a lie from the enemy. There is nothing more productive that a moment of stillness in our heart, mind and soul focused on our Lord. 

Learning to be still gave my body and mind time to heal. These became the precious moments the Lord was able to speak to me where I could hear His whispers. I hadn’t realized how little I actually listened for His voice in my prayer life, especially throughout my day. I've always been a praying girl, asking, sharing, talking to the Lord, but listening was more of waiting for the moment He might send lightening to strike in His discipline towards me and if I could say Amen and nothing happened, I was grateful. Kinda funny to think of it on this side of time and maturity. 

Take time starting today, to practice being still with the Lord. Before you do, make sure however, you have met with Him first in His Word, it is your Conquering Sword and Salvation Helmet to think on the things of the Lord, and not meaningless or taunting thoughts. 

Allow yourself time to listen, don't be afraid and don't feel guilty for this is Holy Ground and God is with you. Throughout the day, set the tone of grace in your home and live it out, with yourself and others. Recall His Word to you that it may overflow as Light in darkness, a Light house for those seeking refuge in stormy seas and surrounding darkness. 

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:13-16

This is why I blog, to encourage and to remember as living stones in my rivers and valleys. To share life journeys Where Faith Is. Life is not lists and chores and accomplishments, striving for perfection and accolades. Our lives are meant for worship and Grace, to reveal the Hope of Salvation in this chaotic world. He is our Rescue here and forever. I certainly don't have many answers, but I know The One Who is The Answer. My prayer is to be a Light, an instrument of praise for Him, for He has done great things and is a fortress that cannot be shaken. He has healed me, praise the Name of Jesus and broke many chains and I believe He can heal you too. Being alone in my daily disciplines, fuels me as much as sipping coffee with a sister over the Word and I would like to think I am a better Wife, Mom, Friend, Woman because of my heart resting in His. We all need to dwell in Him, alone and together. At the end of time, this is all we will have and all we will do as Believers in Jesus...to worship by Grace in the stillness and person of Jesus our Lord. (Although as much as I think we will be standing hands and hearts lifted, there is sure to be some dancing!! Oh I cannot wait!!)  

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Father God, thank You for your amazing Grace. You are more than enough and in Your name, we are strong enough to walk out the day with You in mind and purpose. Holy Spirit, renew our minds in The Words of God and steady and straighten our steps towards righteousness. Forgive us when we busy ourselves all day and are not mindful of You. You are our source of power and peace, thank You. Draw us near to You and keep us in the shelter of Your wings, as we navigate valleys and meadows in this life. Thank You for the period of forced rest but Lord may we listen well to Your voice as our Shepherd and walk graciously in step with You that in our submission and love for You, we follow You and heed Your voice. There is no greater Sacrifice than the One You have poured out. Forgive our petitions for lavish lives and let us desire a life of Love and Hope, with eyes set on Your Kingdom, serving You, giving and receiving that others may know You through the sharing of our faith journey. To You be the glory and honor and adoration, amen.

I love all things worship, but here these are some of my favorite Go To worship songs if you are looking for a place to start:
Be Still by Kari Jobe
Oceans by Hillsong/ Elenyi
It Is Well by Bethel Music
Peace be Still by Lauren Daigle
Come to the Altar by Elevation Worship
What a Beautiful Name by Hillsong
Broken Things by Matthew West
O The Blood by Selah
Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells 
I Got Saved by Selah

He Likes Me

This morning I was listening to a sermon about serving two masters. It's one of those "common" principles spoken in Christendom. We must choose between serving the Lord or Self. In "self" there are hundreds of idols, positions and people our flesh want to please. Being that God's Word is alive and active, a two edged sword, it fell fresh on my soul once again and the processing and praying began flooding my soul.

Growing up, the heart of my home was a generous one within strict boundaries. My Dad is a Retired Army Colonel so you can imagine the expectations and rules. My Mom is a creative, make something out of nothing, fun, people person. These influences shaped my heart and mind for 18 years, and still today. My parents would always say "Don't worry about what people think," "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," "Leave this place better than you found it." Typical southern manners, be polite, make a difference and don't ruffle feathers.

As I gathered my thoughts to share this with the kids for our morning devotional, I realized how much more it is than just "don't worry what other people think." Yes, I think it's part of it, but the whole focus is not impact on self, rather the resulting impact on God. Turning our focus onto Him first. Seeking first His Kingdom and Way. Seeking to please Christ alone. When we focus on pleasing the Lord, we loose the need to focus on pleasing others, therefore we need not worry about their response to us, to like or dislike, approve or disprove. Of course this is not a permission to be offensively rude or give no care whatsoever. We are the workmanship of God and Holy vessels in service to Him. 

True freedom comes when we let go of the need to have anyone's approval, even from self. My Dad was tough on us girls, but in the end, no one was tougher on me than myself. As a glass half full personality, I desired everything beautiful and lovely and that's how I saw my world from a young age. As I grew older, my world got smaller and people were not always lovely. Evil seemed more prevalent than good. My southern (by birth) and encourager heart (by spirit) wanted to change this world for the better, believing it was possible to cheer on and love someone into a changed heart and life. To encourage them to hope and change. And when it didn't, the disappoint was self realized. "I must have not been encouraging enough or done it the right way. I have failed God." It wasn't even approval I desired from the other person, but desired results, which in a round about way was self-affirmation to a job well done...or not.

For years, my pursuit was encouraging others to faith and courage to dare to believe they were capable to be change in this world for the better and well. When you feel like a drop in the ocean, it's easy to give up and accept the thought "you're not enough." My immature faith and false identity slowly shifted. I believed I could not make a difference in this world. People didn't seem to truly need me, my cause and case for a better world calloused my heart of hope. 

My own enemy, I constantly felt like I disappointed God and the results were unworthiness of grace and blessings and dwindling efforts to try, and yet there was no one I desired to please more than my Lord God. Results appeared to be failure in every part of my life, therefore no longer would I try to encourage or please others, or self, because I determined ahead of time my inability to make an impact. My spirit was quenched by fear and anxiety, insecurity and unworthiness.  

Satan had taken my thoughts and taunted me for years of inadequacy and unbelief that God could use me or that I would actually be pleasing to Him. I desperately hoped for the moment everything would change in who I was, that I no longer would be this shy, dorky, silly, insecure, ineffective, unintelligent, can't girl. What I didn't see was the plot to deceive me straight from the enemy. 

While I cannot change people's hearts or lives, because only God has this ability, His chooses to use our willing hearts and empty vessels of truth and love, because of His ability and our lack of agility. Only God can change hearts, it is not in our power to defeat darkness, but it is His. It is God who changed this world for good when He gave His one and only Son, paying the debt we could not. The moment He died on the Cross and rose on the third day, we were given the anointing of  Love. We just need to choose to walk in this hope and victory, in Jesus Name. 

For years upon years, I had felt inadequate and unimportant as an encourager in this life. My life was full of vivacious, out going Godly women whom I was thankful to serve with and that seemed to be enough for me to feel a part of the bigger plan. At least I could follow directions, be a part of something awesome and not worry about results. While my heart longed to be "good enough," to please others in my family and community, most importantly, God, I accepted the (lie) fact that this was just who I really was. In the back ground was my niche. Not to lead or impact, but to clean up, set up and shut up. God loves a servants heart and I did that very well.

My faith became works based to please the Lord. Eventhough I believed with all my heart He loved me, I knew He must have also been disappointed in my lack of results. Endlessly, I "worked" to honor Him in everything I was. It was exhausting. Always striving, never achieving.

Satan is so clever in his schemes. If he can keep us focused on all that we aren't or can't, we will never see all that God can and will do through us. Who doesn't want to change the world, have a happy social life, feel needed and necessary, be the perfect child, Mom, wife, friend, volunteer, co-worker? The need for love and approval is built into our nature. It's this desire that causes our souls to search for Love. God is the Love calling for us, not man and all the empty promises of this world.

With God, all things are possible. It has taken many years to learn this lesson, but how thankful I am for the freedom in Christ to know His approval is all I need but the real lesson is the reminder that His approval has nothing to do with our ability to earn it. His approval is a Gift of Grace. He loves us because we are His, not because of anything we have to offer. 

I would like to think I have been a blessing in the lives of others but the need to know that no longer is a concern for me. How I pray to be a seed spreading, root enhancing vessel of love and hope and encouragement in this life, so that others will know Grace because they have met Him through me. 

One day the Lord will judge and show me all I have done right or wrong, and until that day, I choose to rest in His grace and unconditional love, knowing that I sit here willing and open, ready to let Him pour in me and bless me with the opportunity to watch His spirit work through me, not because of me. 

My heart desires God's heart. God simply desires mine. How beautiful and peaceful is this Good News! I rest knowing that if He used a donkey and a rock, I am truly able to be used by Him too! 

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." 

Matthew 5:14-16

Life of Grace

You think you're happy until one day you smile so much, your cheeks hurt. You think you rule your world until the day your world turns upside-down. You think you're faith is everything until Jesus reminds you He is everything. 

The presence of God sends chills through the tiny hairs on your arms and you learn it's the presence of your Spirit rejoicing from the inside out. You think you can do it, until God shows you how He's gonna do it. You think you have enough money, until the unexpected happens. You think you will live a full, long life until that tumor appears. 

We sure do a lot of thinking. 

The world is full of assumptions but one thing we do not have to make assumptions about is our Lord Jesus. According to the Scriptures, Christ Jesus is the Cornerstone, our strong Foundation. The Lord is our Redeemer, King, Father, Refuge, Friend, Shield, Answer, Protector and Sweetest Love. He is faithful, just, righteous, steadfast, enduring, long-suffering, gracious, merciful and mighty. In the simplest of human languages and definitions, these are the characteristics and promises of Our Savior which hardly do justice to defining an infinite God. He's so much more than we can think or imagine. 

All knowing, all seeing, all able, ever present is He. It is written, He is LORD over all. All our worry. All our fear. All our plans. All our blessings. All our bodies. All the principalities. All. He is All.

"However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him— these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 

For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 

This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. 

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit." 1 Corinthians 2: 9-14 NIV

Ecclesiastes reminds us there will be times for everything in this life. As countless as the stars in the sky are the numerous variables on this side of Heaven for you to be able to figure things out and have an unshakable, fortified plan outside of living by faith, for grace, by hope, with trust and in love.. In the economy of God A + B does not always = C. But rest assured Jesus + God + Holy Spirit = Life. E v e r y  s i n g l e  time.

Whatever you are facing today, seek the Lord. With Him you will have life. With Him you will have peace and joy even through tears and questions of sufferings. He is our Healer and Counselor for all the hurts. Life is not fair or predictable. But God is. We are weak, but He is strong. Don't forget, there is an enemy working against you, to keep you from experiencing a gracious and joy-filled life. 

So, how do we live by faith and feel purposeful and ready for whatever comes our way? By spending time leaning into God, learning who He is through daily Bible reading, fellowship through Bible studies, in songs of worship, and by the testimonies of others of like-minded faith. Arming yourself with His armor and not just your plans. Knowing who God is, the One you are placing all your hopes and fears in, the greatest Love of your soul, waits ready to meet with you and reveal His love to you every day. You will find Him if you seek Him. He isn't seeking your lip service and He isn't fooled by our masks.

He is am amazing God who saves sinners by grace, who extended the Peace offering, with grace. Your sins and my sins have earned us an eternity in the lake of fire and gnashing of teeth, but by the Grace Giver our Lord, He sent His Son to pay the debt we owe and we are found in Him righteous. Wow. That's everything. We have redemption forever in Him. We have life ever lasting in Him. Today and always, we have comfort, peace, joy, purpose, in Him. He is the same yesterday, today and forever, amen! Will you choose today, to accept and live in this life of Grace?

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 

2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV

Prayer: Father God, Lord over All, we pray according to the Scriptures we may be found faithful in You..."Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. 

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also." 

2 Corinthians 6: 4-13 NIV May it be so, amen. Here is where we live, not in the black and white, rather Where Faith is. 

Worship in Song here: 

Discerning the Whispers

Quiet moments are hard to come by when you have a full house. I must be intentional to carve out time to be still, aside from Bible study, to rest my mind. Usually it is during my afternoon coffee break before the kids arrive home and my time no longer is mine. As I sit in my own wonderings, if I am not careful, my mind dwindles to all I haven't done, wish I could have done better and these insecurities grow voices as I wonder about who I am, what I am purposed for, am I really training my children up well, if I matter outside the walls of my home?
In these moments of negative pondering, voices of insecurity, inadequacy and fear of rejection and failure began their chatter... “You’re not good enough. You’re no one.” “You shouldn’t be doing ministry when you’re so shy, without credentials to be here.” “You are going to embarrass yourself." “You’ll be mediocre at best.” “So many others do it better than you.” "You have no special qualities." "Don't let them inside your heart, they will hurt you." And on and on the chatter goes.
Depending on the strength of my faith that day, it may only take one whisper to shut me down, as other days words bubble over the smoothed edges of my torn down barrier walls and I feel empowered in Godly strength to conquer Goliath as he taunts me from the mountain I am about to cast out. Time heals all wounds? Sorta. I accredit it to mercy healing rather than something that simply fades away. God is our Healer and Defender, our Great Physician and Counselor. With each passing day, my hope renews in the anchor of Christ, my Cornerstone. 
Fear can be a silencer of faith if we aren't careful. Faith needs to be greater so fear has no hold. Thankfully fear no longer paralyzes me from sharing my heart in ministry, with friends and in my home as it once did. I may be cautious but I am not calloused. My soul trembles in utter joy at the opportunity to share His grace and love with others, drowning out the doubts and lies of deception. Not gonna lie, there are also moments fear wells up in the pit of my throat and I wonder what I have just said or done. I wonder what they might think of me, and if I will be a discredit to my God when they find out this girl is so “less than." 
Trust has always been an issue for me. The Lord has done a great healing in that part of my heart and mended many a wounds, a healing balm is He. I have lived years behind a protective high and wide barrier wall to now finally surrender to the work of my Reigning King, allowing Him to be my Shield and Defender. I don't know if I can say there is absolutely no wall, but there is a better filter of discernment. I trust my heart, mind and soul are guarded in the armor of God. Nothing penetrates what He doesn't allow. My heart belongs fully to Christ My Savior, where my trust is anchored in His Truth. My identity and worth is esteemed in His love for me.       

This God, the Perfecter of Faith, I Am, Ruler over All, quiets my fears. My Gracious, Faithful, Abba Father speaks volumns in the stillest of voices, “You are My child and that qualifies you enough. Your relationship with Me is witness to My unending grace and unconditional love. I have allowed you to suffer trails in this life to make you stronger in Me, and not shame you. My blood over you is proof enough of my love and faithfulness to you. You do not need to know everything about everything. Share your the heart I placed within you and love as I have loved you. Trust Me as I equip you with all you need. I will always provide for you. You are mine and that is enough. Nothing passes through my watchful care without my knowledge. Pain and trials will be purposeful and thorns will be as reminders to not lean on your own understanding, but turn to Me. Do not be afraid.” 
God is for us even when it feels like the world is against us. Scriptures tell us the evil one seeks to kill and destroy us. Sadly, we don’t make it hard for him. A few trials and betrayals, and we are hiding under the covers. One poor decision and we think we have discredited our portion of mercy and grace. One bad thought and we are unforgivable. Where is our faithfulness and loyalty of trust to the One who loves us most? The Only One who gave His all for us. Are we so easily swept away by lies and deceit?! 
Satan has done nothing for us but lie and lead us into paths of unrighteousness while God stands ready as Shield and Defender to fight and resist the temptations to fall into the net being cast at our feet. It is crucial to be in The Word of God, in intimate and constant fellowship of God our Savior, but this doesn't mean we will know everything. We need not be scholarly in order to share the Good News of Jesus Christ with others. Our testimony wrapped in the arms of mercy and love is power enough. We are walking billboards for The Gospel when we walk, talk and live out our faith, loving and forgiving others as Christ loved us. 
Counting it all joy when we face trials of many kinds, hoping for glory revealed, hearing the whispers of both voices yet only believing and trusting One, we display His goodness and faithfulness. We are not victims of "less than" and "incompleteness." We are more than conquerers in Jesus Name. We are made powerful in likeness of the only One with the power to save. Jesus, the name above all other names. Like Paul, we can boast in our weaknesses, for His grace is sufficient for us despite the evidence of deep winding scars and thorns embedded within our flesh. Like Job, we can loose much and be surrounded by naysayers, and yet still believe that Christ is our only Hope and King. 

Friend, pay attention to the smallest of whispers and discern if they are the voice of a tempter or a Savior. Then, allow Truth to wash over you and strengthen you for today. Trust He has your heart in His. The blood of Calvary and the Empty tomb remind us He is mighty to save! He has sent a Helper who enables us to discern the will and whispers of God. Rest in the stillness of His great love for you.

Praise the Name of Jesus, for He is able to do exceedingly more than we can ever think or imagine. His grace has enough space for you! His message is in you and ready to be shared. Hear His call, and go! You’ve got this 'cuz He’s got you! 
(Just a few) References:
Joshua 1, Proverbs 3, Psalms 19, Romans 8, 1 Corinthians 15, Ephesians 6, James 1

Pace yourself in Grace

I didn't used to count the stars at night, or watch the trees blow outside the window. I didn't used to pay attention to the incredible colors of a sunset or glowing moonbut more than a glance. I was much too busy for that...until one day I had to.

After weeks of turmoil spinning in the depth of my soul, all day, every day, I frequently found my breaths in the open air of the Texas winds outside. My overwhelmed heart and mind cried for a moment of reprieve. Just one moment to hear my own thought, much less gather them.

 
As my heart raced within my chest, I found myself taking extended potty breaks to my tiny sanctuary for 4 minutes of nothingness where the kids would give me my private space. 

I gave myself 5 extra minutes parking when running errands. 

I walked slowly towards the check out line as I meandered past the floral department remembering the days I used to draw close enough to smell them and take note of their dainty designs on their fragile petals. 

Most days I would take my fresh brewed afternoon cup of coffee with me, going early to the bus stop just to sit in stillness for a few minutes before school aged children started their chattering (and let's be honest- their complaining) of the day's events and all demands for help heaped on me. 

Day after day, it was a hustle and a hoot to live life in my skin. I volunteered, served, lunched, exercised, wash/fold/put up laundry for 6 people, shopping, cooking, cleaning, hugging, settling, sorting, writing and Bible Study, day after day, never giving myself permission to take a break. I work hard in my home with an outward smile on my face exuding from the blessing of being a Mommy even though some days I was exhausted and exasperated. Some days I didn't even know what day it was!  The flow was a constant, controlled chaos if I am honest. This is the biggest part of Motherhood people don't tell you.

I thought everything was under control until one day my heart leaped so far out of my chest a shock wave pinged down my left arm. The deeper of a breath I drew, the deeper the pain. I felt like I could not breath. 

I was a do-gooder, focused intensely on being a perfect Christian Mom, Wife, Friend, Neighbor that the Name of God would be honored and while my own value validated as I walked by faith representing Him to many who knew I was a woman of faith. Only to learn many mature years later, I was shown my value on the cross when Jesus died for me.

The pressure I put on myself to strive for achieving perfection in every area of my life was a plot of the enemy of twisted truths on how I ought to glorify God in my little address on this planet. Satan is the father of lies and he is slick, me not being his first victim. It took bit of time to show me but I finally realized the hamster wheel I was on.

I recognized I could no longer be a slave to perfection or fear. 

I realized living from my heart, not my non-stop actions was how God felt honored. 

I learned how to live in purposeful Grace.

Grace to give all I had, without depleting self.

Grace to serve every need within my potential.

Grace to find my value in my serving heart, not my ability to be all and do all for the all, always!

A fresh breath of grace became the daily medication, a healing balm to my weary and wrecked soul. I learned to find those quiet moments in the day to exhale the toxins built up within my heart and soul and no longer simply clinch my teeth analyzing the to-do list demanding my all. It took discipline and accountability. It took desperation for peace and purpose in The Plan I believed in my spirit God had for me. I refused to believe God created me for this, a crazy cycle of chores and failures, highs and lows, busyness and living life on auto-pilot, constant hustling in order to achieve the next person's expectation of me, including the one I had placed on myself.

Jeremiah 29: 11-14a NIV "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity."

A chaotic rhythm for so many years it felt like my normal yet I was too blind to see I was being held captive in my own home, my own skin, my own soul. Till that day God called me out, Enough, seek Me and know Me. Find My heart. It wasn't easy. 

The amount of guilt and time I felt was wasted in the not-doings hounded me every minute I sat. Each day I sought peace in Grace, He showed up, patient and without condemnation. In the beginning I had to physically leave the house and go to the park or coffee shop and force myself out of doing, and just rest beside still waters sometimes by myself or with the kids taking a walk, swinging on the old chain link swings, spotting the kids as they braved the monkey bars, and my favorite moments, catching the little ones at the ends of the slides. Their bravery and creativity lit up my Mommy soul.

Day by day it became easier as my body quickly felt the healing from within, the release of stress and hidden anguish of a life that didn't feel valuable or important. I began to feel the calm overshadow the chaos.

You will never be the same when you learn to embrace Grace. It changes you because it's no longer about you..it's about Jesus and His glory, His timing, His disciplines. My soul renewed day by day with a devoted calmness and anticipation knowing He was closer than I knew He could be. He was and is always near. 

Lamentations 3: 17-27 NIV "I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD.” I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.”  The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;"

Our lives were not meant for chaos or cleanliness. Life and love are as messy as the Cross, blood spilled out over the works of the earth. We are created to worship, where we are, how we are, as we are. To love Him with all our heart, mind, soul and strength (Deuteronomy 6:5). 

Whatever your life season, may I remind you to breath Grace in your day, He is more than enough (2 Corinthians 12). Let the Lord be that healing balm of mercy washing over your schedule, suffering and service to your God, your family, your church and community. You may be able to pound out the hours and heal all the hurts, accomplish every task asked of you, but if you do not set aside time to exchange love with The One who loves you mostest in all the world, you will find yourself gasping for air. Seek Him. Sit with Him. 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 30 minutes...don't steal those minutes, guard them. 

Show the world your Grace, not your gumption. Grace is a Gift everyone needs. Remember you can't give what you don't have. Find it and share it.

Count the stars, watch the rise or fall of the sun, see the tiny details of the petals in your yard, catch the glimmer of hope in your loved one's eye. Snuggle close, forgive the offense. Pace yourself in Grace. Smell it's fresh air, for it is Good. Because God is good. Enjoy this song: Just Breath! Just Be.

Weary in Faith

"my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD." But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him." 

Lamentations 3:17-18, 21-25 ESV

You don't have to walk long in this life to know it's both exciting and exhausting. There is a real enemy working hard every day to make sure of it. There is also a Mighty Savior who has conquered this enemy in this life and for all eternity. Both call for our attention.

Each new season, we begin our walk with a skip in our step, eyes focused and hearts ready to embrace the rainbow at the end of our rainy day. We strive for the pot of gold at the end of our rainbow,  only to discover it's further than we anticipated, or hoped it would be. Our steps slow. Our legs fall heavy in the weight of depleted energies. Our feet ache from uneven pathways and swell in the long hours of the journey. Our hands lay limp by our side having lost their grip. The perverbial yellow brick road feels jagged and annoying and we've lost sight of the rainbow once again against the backdrop of defeating downpours. 

New season seedlings that once ushered hope and life transform into seeds of bitterness, anxiety, doubt, sadness, and exhaustion. Grace is no longer the sole to our soul. 

Our overwhelmed minds shut down as we look back over our shoulder to where we first began and wonder if we took a wrong turn along the way. Skipping has turned into staggering until we eventually, just...stop.

Our eyes are weary, our feet lack strength, the path seems too costly to continue. Strength, peace, joy, and hope elude us. Where along the path did we loose them? 

For many of us, we can look back an recall the moment we chose to adventure on a rocky path it's a distinct moment of digging heels into the dirt. For others, it's a gradual slope on the hillside we find ourselves slipping down.

Believers, when the path before you seems too costly, remember the cost of your journey has already been walked and the cost counted and paid for. The scriptures remind us time after time to guard our hearts, seek Him first, do not fear, be strong and courageous, resist the devil. Jesus is our perfect portion and provision for the journey. He has been there and knows where you are going.

A mustard seed of faith and a devoted heart is all He seeks. Strength for the journey is found in His great mercy. We must endure the race, fight the good fight, enduring the fatigue as we fall into a self-surrendering of all we are to Grace Himself Who restores our soul's soles.

If we lose strength, we lose hope. If we lose hope, we lose joy. If we lose joy, we lose peace. If we lose peace, we lose self-control. If we lose self-control, we lose focus. If we lose focus, we lose faith. If we lose faith, we lose a life of love. Despair fills our empty shells and all our weary souls seek is refuge in something other than Christ for we have turned our eyes away from life itself.

How crucial it becomes, we surround ourselves with other Believers who are in The Word, walking this life out with us, as we together, continually grow in the knowledge of The Word, that we may remind one another of the faithfulness of The One leading, believing He will sustain and strengthen us for our long walks in this life, that He alone is our Rock and Refuge. God is a Redeemer, seeking what has been lost. When we grow weary, the temptation to isolate ourselves from others, and eventually from God is great.

It is here in those moments we must gird up ourselves in Christ, raising our weary hands to Him, not at Him. Gather around you the intercession of others, allowing Him to reveal Himself through them as the source of strength to you. Do not isolate yourself but rather call to mind what you know to be true in the knowledge of Who you know Him to be. Remember the truths that prosper us, breathing life into a weary soul, God is steadfast and faithful, enduring, purposeful and that He has all the provisions to complete the journey we are walking out. There are no paths too difficult or for Him. 

Guard your thoughts and do not despair, Be patient, stay in The Word. Some of our paths will be hard and we may not see past all the muddy pits and thorn bushes, we will sometimes have to walk soaking wet and weak, but here in our weakness we find strength in His arms, hugely able and willing to carry us over the pits that can swallow us whole. Friend, the enemy is after you to wear you out, in order to destroy your faith and replace it with fear and despair. The Lord goes before you to guard your spirit, but you must guard your mind. Guard it fiercely. Meditate in likeness of Philippians 4:8 and arms yourself in preparation for the battle (Ephesians 6:10-18). Be aware when your walk begins to slip or you feel your heels digging in. What are you believing in your thoughts? Where are you looking for refuge?

Surround yourself with those in the faith who can encourage you and pray for you. Others will consider it foolishness to continue in your faith journey who are not walking the same direction as you. A depleted soul becomes a desperate soul and this makes you vulnerable to a life of death. God brought Heaven down to earth to give us life, and life abundantly.

Embrace the morning's grace and mercy of a steadfast and loving Father for they are ushered in new with every morning's sunrise. If you must sit along the way, wait beside The still Waters and rest for a while. Drink deep from His well. In due time, lift up your eyes, rise up and go! Do not give up hope. Sing for joy, shout if you must, for it will be your strength for each step. He is for you, and with you for every single skip and a step.

His love never ceases. May we trust in Christ alone, our Cornerstone.

When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.

In my previous post, for the sake of not writing a mini-novel, I decided to split this into a 2 Part Series. There are so many things to be said, testified, helps and hurts that can be shared, but this is not my biography, rather, it is meant to be a beginning foundation to help and encouragement to you as you walk through these valleys with your loved one, family, friend or neighbor.
While this is specific to my journey with panic and anxiety attacks, many of these helps and encouragements bring hope to any trial you and your loved ones are facing. 
When we are living life with someone suffering, it can be difficult understanding what they are going through. You probably find yourself asking what in the world you are supposed to be doing, or not doing to support and help them. When you ask them what you can do to help them, all you hear is leave me alone for a few minutes or I don't know. It is frustrating when you don't exactly know what you need and equally frustrating to hear these words when you are looking for a way to help them. It's not as if all they need is a hug and some chocolates. If only it was that simple. I promise you they are just as scared and walking in the unknown too. 
Regardless of the circumstances of the trial or crisis, the answer is love. When we act in love, we facilitate healing. Jesus gave us this example. Love conquors.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

The following is a compilation of tidbits of conversations I have had with others. A professional counselor is best suited to counsel you and your loved one with specific therapy and helps. This is simply a few highlights and helps to get started in understanding, compassion and empathy, in the Name of Love.

Is there a difference between panic and anxiety attacks? 

Yes. Both involve physical pain in the chest, the shakes, shortness of breath (imagine a too small ski jacket buckled on you and you trying to take deep breaths but feel constricted), heart pounding and racing (you think it shows through your shirt and can often ache), confusion and mental overwhelmedness and fatigue, a welling up of adrenaline within the body (much a like a woman experiencing a labor contraction that builds in intensity and keeps high for several minutes) which makes you want to flee or find a corner and the sense of lack of control. Panic attacks are more intense and usually have a pain shooting down the left arm mimicking a heart attack. These will send people to the ER thinking they may be having a heart attack, and yes, it feels that scary. 

Why does the person under attack get mentally overwhelmed and need to flee to quiet environments?
Imagine turning on 2 T.V.s  to 2 stations, turning on the radio and a kid is skipping around the room while you try to read a book. It's a lot to take in and you can't focus. That's my best description to either attack. You hear and feel all that chaos and can't hear or process your own thoughts. We flee to escape to where we can breath and think to settle our minds and bodies. Emotions are tricky. They don't always represent truth or reality. We must always seek out and speak truth, in love.

What do you do when someone is having an attack of either sort?
First, pray and take a deep breath yourself. Speak truth: You are going to be okay, breath. I am right here with you, breath. It's going to pass in a few minutes, take a deep breath. Again, much like a woman in labor who feels as if she cannot handle or control the intensity welling up in her body as she braces herself for the next few minutes.
Do not: dismiss them, walk away, look at them like they are crazy or lying, ask them to help you do something labor intense, ignore them, tell them to pray harder or that they don't have enough faith, this is exasperating, defeating and hurtful. One thing I can promise you, whether they are a Believer or not, they are reaching out to God for the first time or thousandth time for rescue, asking Why Lord? and pleading for mercy. 
Now, if they are loosing faith and are discouraged, needing these boosts of faith, encourage them as iron sharpens iron that God is faithful and He is near even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment. Remind them faith strengthens your resolve and restors your hope. Keep them focused on the Lord and their strength because of His sufficient grace. Tell them to pray the Scriptures and breath in grace and exhale the attack. Do not, do not, tell them to pray harder. One either prays, or not. 
Do not: call or text them every 15 minutes to check on them and ask them if they are okay. It's humiliating and a constant reminder, sometimes creating triggers. We know you mean to be caring in checking on us, but it cannot be constant. That makes the person feel insecure and incapable. They are trying their hardest to maintain normal patterns and thinkings, meditating and distracting themselves, so constant pings and questions are obstacles. 
If you feel concerned for their safety, you might ask them if they would like you to help plan time with them or others to take a break out of the house or workplace. Keep them engaged, watch for crisis and critical behaviors and if you truly suspect they are an endangerment to themselves or others, you must confront and ask them to seek professional help or you will have to do it on your own accord for them, to protect them from themselves.  
Do: offer to get them a drink of water, hugs, take deep breaths with them, distract the kids away, relieve them temporarily from whatever task they were doing because as soon as they are calmed down they will want to continue doing what was normal, unless they ask for your help to take over. Keep the environment happy and calm. They cannot handle stress like they did before this attacking season, so take over the kid's tantrums, cleaning up after playtime, laundry or dinner, allowing them to rest after all the work. Go for walks or bike rides together or as a family. Have fun! Don't do things that push them beyond what they can give. Encouragement to go further and pushing to go further are not the same things. Be respectful of their pace and energy. Play worship music quietly in the back ground. Leave encouraging notes and Scriptures around their space to encourage and keep their focus on Christ. Diffuse essential oils like Young Living Joy, Peace & Calming, Lavender.

Why is my loved one loosing so much weight now?
When your body is in torment and pain, it upsets your stomach and intestines. They may be throwing up from the adrenaline spikes, they may start having diarrhea from the stress, and their appetite will be diminished. Help them eat healthy, not push heavy foods or portions. Salads, rice dishes, yogurts, light meats, protein shakes, fruits and smoothies, protein meal replacements are all good places to begin. They may only be able to take 2 bites, but it's okay since an hour later or even a day later, they may devour a whole salad and chicken tender. 
If they seem to be loosing a significant amount of weight, talking with reason to encourage a unified help for healing, visit a nutritionist or doctor. They don't want to feel weak or cause a scene to draw attention to themselves at the table, so be kind and gentle. They want to get better and you may have to help them realize the need at some point for guidance. 

Why can't they just push through it?
In many ways they are, by not freaking out, remaining focused and not wanting to just die. These attacks engage our entire essence. It is Body, Mind, Spirit and Soul. Our healing must address and involve every part of us. I dare you to tell a laboring woman to pipe down, suck it up buttercup, sit still, just zone out the pain. What they can do is pray and breath through it knowing it will pass soon.

I remember being at a New Year's Party with friends and the neighbors started popping off huge fireworks right outside at 8pm. It just startled me and being in a more sensitive state of mind, it triggered me...and I love fireworks and glady sit under them. Immediately my body jumped, I sat as still as I could taking calm breaths, kept playing our card game, sipping on my water and then my stomach began to gurgle and I had to quickly excuse myself to the bathroom. Sorry, but no one wants to have to go #2 in any other toilet than your own, much less have diarrhea and gas cramps that keep you there longer than a normal potty break. I was so embarrassed. I had tried so hard to not allow it to escalate to this point in my body, but I had no control over it, yet I was able to control my mind and spirit and remain calm and trusting that God had me in His care and grace. A few minutes passed and I returned to the group and my sweet husband had already refilled my water cup and grabbed me a blanket that was on the chair. He had told them my stomach had been a little upset lately. So, there was nothing I needed to ask for or share when I sat back down. I enjoyed the remaining hours with our friends. 
Had a given into my fears, I would have never even gone out knowing my sensitivity to all things during that season. Fear of the fear can be such an entrapment. Instead, I chose to hope God would help me, and even though I had a mild attack, God was my help and shield, pouring out grace over my evening. It was a great night of resolve, trust and faith. 
I pray this helps start some conversations with deeper understanding between you and your loved one. 
For me, the attacks didn't just stop cold-turkey. They lessened in degree and intensity and in timing. Days, then weeks, then months separated the attacks. Praise God for perseverance in the faith, to run out the race set before us. I found the more I worshiped and learned to still my soul, and even laugh again, rediscovering the new self, the less waves crushed me and began to lift me.
In closing, if you are the one under attack, consider yourself hugged and understood from someone who understands. You are not alone, there are many who get it. Let your faith and hope be your power as you walk each day with joy and faith, relying on the One who conquered death on the Cross. He is risen and alive, and He is with you in every breath. Let His grace consume your soul and flood your mind. I pray I have been able to describe  well your current anguish so that your loved one has a better sense of what you may be thinking and feeling. Each attack is as different as each person, so I know this can't describe everything for everyone, but hopefully it's a starting place to get the conversation started.
If you are the loved one, living life with someone experiencing these attacks, I pray the things I have shared of my own experience helps you better relate to what they are going through with their whole being. All illness and attacks on our bodies, hearts, soul and minds are frightening. Unknown territory always is. When the attacks continually repeat, it's exhausting and embarrassing, often debilitating. Show love, compassion and empathy. Stay healthy yourself and pray, pray, pray. You are going to carry a greater burden during this season as you hurt for your loved one and help in practical ways to manage daily life. Everyone will be tired and edgy, which is why you both must dig deeply into The Word, hang tight, worship and breath together along the valley floor and have fun together. Live life choosing joy, faith and love to not give Satan a foothold, rooting bitterness and defeat. 
There are many resources out there to help you, so keeping researching and seeking help. Most importantly, dive into Healing Waters and feast daily on Daily Bread! You are loved! God sees you and hears you! His grace is enough! 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV

YOU are BRAVER and STRONGER than you realize!

When your loved one is suffering. Part One.

Do you have a loved one suffering with panic and anxiety attacks? I am betting that if you do, you are having a hard time understanding what they are going through and don't understand why it won't stop, why they say they think they might die. I know. That was my poor husband as I walked those scary and painful moments in 2008-2009. Honestly, your loved one who is suffering this heartache is asking themselves the same things. They don't get it either. 

As difficult as it has been to share my testimony and experiences with others, my spirit wants to testify to the goodness and sweetness of the Lord. In His grace, I found healing and the truest of love and kindness, and mighty, mighty power. But it took going through those dark days to see such pure Light. God's Word is full of testimonies of God's grace, provision and protection. I found such comfort being back in His Word, alive and active it is!! I felt less alone when I read the perils of Job and Paul and so many others. 

This is exactly why I began blogging and writing: to share and encourage. Yes, it's hard to visit those terrors but the hope to encourage and even save a life overshadows and uplifts me right over that pit of despair onto the wings of an eagle, soaring above defeat, shame and embarrassment. God has crossed my paths over the years with sweet Believers who have fallen into the same pits whom we have been able to share each other's journey, many in the middle of a valley. What a joy to celebrate hope and healing in Jesus Name together.

When I am sitting with the person in anguish, we speak the same language and as much as we get it, we don't get it. I liken it to listening to my teen speak calculus or when my husband it calling sports plays. I just don't understand their lingo. It's the same here. Until you have walked in the same shoes, it's a struggle to get it. 

We are able to feel what the other feels and understand the depths of it all, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But, when I find myself sitting with the loved one, they really don't get it. The look in their eyes was the same bewilderment my husband had with me many years back. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in my body. 

He couldn't understand when I shut down or quickly fled situations, why I was so exhausted, why I couldn't handle loud noises and big crowds. One of the most painful stings to the heart is the look of weirdness, puzzlement, judgement, nervousness in your loved one's eyes looking back at you in your moment of fear. 

These were the moments "fake it till you make it" were necessary, just to avoid that look. To avoid the pain it pressed like a sword into the depth of me. It slayed me, reminding me of how crazy I was, shame flooding every part of my soul. And if this loved one who had my back looked at my like this and couldn't understand what I was experiencing, how could anyone else, and how much deeper would their look slash my soul? So, we hide, mask and protect. 

Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries and sent me rescue and all the while, I prayed for my husband to have compassion and understanding. He was one of my first subscribers to the blog, learning more about my experience than I was able to verbalize. Also, we had 4 kids running around the house and it wasn't something we just called out and spoke about. I wanted to continue on as normal and stable, conquering and hopeful, calm and collected as a true perfectionist and encourager personality. 

Over time, through healing helps of Christian counseling, natural remedies of essential oils and vitamins, Scripture memory work and meditation, a deep and purposeful prayer life, worshiping without wondering, letting go of perfectionism, accountability of a few trustworthy Sisters in Christ, re-prioritizing my life and schedule, addressing how I was (not) taking care of my body, mind and spirit. All these combined together for the help and healing, overcoming and conquering I experienced against fear. To God be all the power, and glory!

Recently, several loved ones have approached me about my journey, asking for help in dealing with their loved one suffering in anguish. With all my writings focused on the anguished person, I thought I would write to the loved one because I know as many who suffer with panic and anxiety attacks, there are that many more loved ones trying to understand them and help them. 

Lord knows you need the same help, love, hope and encouragement as you deal with the heartache and confusion in dealing with your loved one's current battle. So, in the next blog, I will share with you a few simple helps from my own personal experience in hopes to encourage each person touched by these attacks in compassion and hope.

Meanwhile, meditate and believe on Jeremiah 29:11-13, 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

To God be all our glory, help, hope and praise, amen.

Click Here for When your loved one is suffering. Part Two.