Pace yourself in Grace

I didn't used to count the stars at night, or watch the trees blow outside the window. I didn't used to pay attention to the incredible colors of a sunset or glowing moonbut more than a glance. I was much too busy for that...until one day I had to.

After weeks of turmoil spinning in the depth of my soul, all day, every day, I frequently found my breaths in the open air of the Texas winds outside. My overwhelmed heart and mind cried for a moment of reprieve. Just one moment to hear my own thought, much less gather them.

 
As my heart raced within my chest, I found myself taking extended potty breaks to my tiny sanctuary for 4 minutes of nothingness where the kids would give me my private space. 

I gave myself 5 extra minutes parking when running errands. 

I walked slowly towards the check out line as I meandered past the floral department remembering the days I used to draw close enough to smell them and take note of their dainty designs on their fragile petals. 

Most days I would take my fresh brewed afternoon cup of coffee with me, going early to the bus stop just to sit in stillness for a few minutes before school aged children started their chattering (and let's be honest- their complaining) of the day's events and all demands for help heaped on me. 

Day after day, it was a hustle and a hoot to live life in my skin. I volunteered, served, lunched, exercised, wash/fold/put up laundry for 6 people, shopping, cooking, cleaning, hugging, settling, sorting, writing and Bible Study, day after day, never giving myself permission to take a break. I work hard in my home with an outward smile on my face exuding from the blessing of being a Mommy even though some days I was exhausted and exasperated. Some days I didn't even know what day it was!  The flow was a constant, controlled chaos if I am honest. This is the biggest part of Motherhood people don't tell you.

I thought everything was under control until one day my heart leaped so far out of my chest a shock wave pinged down my left arm. The deeper of a breath I drew, the deeper the pain. I felt like I could not breath. 

I was a do-gooder, focused intensely on being a perfect Christian Mom, Wife, Friend, Neighbor that the Name of God would be honored and while my own value validated as I walked by faith representing Him to many who knew I was a woman of faith. Only to learn many mature years later, I was shown my value on the cross when Jesus died for me.

The pressure I put on myself to strive for achieving perfection in every area of my life was a plot of the enemy of twisted truths on how I ought to glorify God in my little address on this planet. Satan is the father of lies and he is slick, me not being his first victim. It took bit of time to show me but I finally realized the hamster wheel I was on.

I recognized I could no longer be a slave to perfection or fear. 

I realized living from my heart, not my non-stop actions was how God felt honored. 

I learned how to live in purposeful Grace.

Grace to give all I had, without depleting self.

Grace to serve every need within my potential.

Grace to find my value in my serving heart, not my ability to be all and do all for the all, always!

A fresh breath of grace became the daily medication, a healing balm to my weary and wrecked soul. I learned to find those quiet moments in the day to exhale the toxins built up within my heart and soul and no longer simply clinch my teeth analyzing the to-do list demanding my all. It took discipline and accountability. It took desperation for peace and purpose in The Plan I believed in my spirit God had for me. I refused to believe God created me for this, a crazy cycle of chores and failures, highs and lows, busyness and living life on auto-pilot, constant hustling in order to achieve the next person's expectation of me, including the one I had placed on myself.

Jeremiah 29: 11-14a NIV "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity."

A chaotic rhythm for so many years it felt like my normal yet I was too blind to see I was being held captive in my own home, my own skin, my own soul. Till that day God called me out, Enough, seek Me and know Me. Find My heart. It wasn't easy. 

The amount of guilt and time I felt was wasted in the not-doings hounded me every minute I sat. Each day I sought peace in Grace, He showed up, patient and without condemnation. In the beginning I had to physically leave the house and go to the park or coffee shop and force myself out of doing, and just rest beside still waters sometimes by myself or with the kids taking a walk, swinging on the old chain link swings, spotting the kids as they braved the monkey bars, and my favorite moments, catching the little ones at the ends of the slides. Their bravery and creativity lit up my Mommy soul.

Day by day it became easier as my body quickly felt the healing from within, the release of stress and hidden anguish of a life that didn't feel valuable or important. I began to feel the calm overshadow the chaos.

You will never be the same when you learn to embrace Grace. It changes you because it's no longer about you..it's about Jesus and His glory, His timing, His disciplines. My soul renewed day by day with a devoted calmness and anticipation knowing He was closer than I knew He could be. He was and is always near. 

Lamentations 3: 17-27 NIV "I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD.” I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.”  The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;"

Our lives were not meant for chaos or cleanliness. Life and love are as messy as the Cross, blood spilled out over the works of the earth. We are created to worship, where we are, how we are, as we are. To love Him with all our heart, mind, soul and strength (Deuteronomy 6:5). 

Whatever your life season, may I remind you to breath Grace in your day, He is more than enough (2 Corinthians 12). Let the Lord be that healing balm of mercy washing over your schedule, suffering and service to your God, your family, your church and community. You may be able to pound out the hours and heal all the hurts, accomplish every task asked of you, but if you do not set aside time to exchange love with The One who loves you mostest in all the world, you will find yourself gasping for air. Seek Him. Sit with Him. 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 30 minutes...don't steal those minutes, guard them. 

Show the world your Grace, not your gumption. Grace is a Gift everyone needs. Remember you can't give what you don't have. Find it and share it.

Count the stars, watch the rise or fall of the sun, see the tiny details of the petals in your yard, catch the glimmer of hope in your loved one's eye. Snuggle close, forgive the offense. Pace yourself in Grace. Smell it's fresh air, for it is Good. Because God is good. Enjoy this song: Just Breath! Just Be.