Growing up, the heart of my home was a generous one within strict boundaries. My Dad is a Retired Army Colonel so you can imagine the expectations and rules. My Mom is a creative, make something out of nothing, fun, people person. These influences shaped my heart and mind for 18 years, and still today. My parents would always say "Don't worry about what people think," "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," "Leave this place better than you found it." Typical southern manners, be polite, make a difference and don't ruffle feathers.
As I gathered my thoughts to share this with the kids for our morning devotional, I realized how much more it is than just "don't worry what other people think." Yes, I think it's part of it, but the whole focus is not impact on self, rather the resulting impact on God. Turning our focus onto Him first. Seeking first His Kingdom and Way. Seeking to please Christ alone. When we focus on pleasing the Lord, we loose the need to focus on pleasing others, therefore we need not worry about their response to us, to like or dislike, approve or disprove. Of course this is not a permission to be offensively rude or give no care whatsoever. We are the workmanship of God and Holy vessels in service to Him.
True freedom comes when we let go of the need to have anyone's approval, even from self. My Dad was tough on us girls, but in the end, no one was tougher on me than myself. As a glass half full personality, I desired everything beautiful and lovely and that's how I saw my world from a young age. As I grew older, my world got smaller and people were not always lovely. Evil seemed more prevalent than good. My southern (by birth) and encourager heart (by spirit) wanted to change this world for the better, believing it was possible to cheer on and love someone into a changed heart and life. To encourage them to hope and change. And when it didn't, the disappoint was self realized. "I must have not been encouraging enough or done it the right way. I have failed God." It wasn't even approval I desired from the other person, but desired results, which in a round about way was self-affirmation to a job well done...or not.
For years, my pursuit was encouraging others to faith and courage to dare to believe they were capable to be change in this world for the better and well. When you feel like a drop in the ocean, it's easy to give up and accept the thought "you're not enough." My immature faith and false identity slowly shifted. I believed I could not make a difference in this world. People didn't seem to truly need me, my cause and case for a better world calloused my heart of hope.
My own enemy, I constantly felt like I disappointed God and the results were unworthiness of grace and blessings and dwindling efforts to try, and yet there was no one I desired to please more than my Lord God. Results appeared to be failure in every part of my life, therefore no longer would I try to encourage or please others, or self, because I determined ahead of time my inability to make an impact. My spirit was quenched by fear and anxiety, insecurity and unworthiness.
Satan had taken my thoughts and taunted me for years of inadequacy and unbelief that God could use me or that I would actually be pleasing to Him. I desperately hoped for the moment everything would change in who I was, that I no longer would be this shy, dorky, silly, insecure, ineffective, unintelligent, can't girl. What I didn't see was the plot to deceive me straight from the enemy.
While I cannot change people's hearts or lives, because only God has this ability, His chooses to use our willing hearts and empty vessels of truth and love, because of His ability and our lack of agility. Only God can change hearts, it is not in our power to defeat darkness, but it is His. It is God who changed this world for good when He gave His one and only Son, paying the debt we could not. The moment He died on the Cross and rose on the third day, we were given the anointing of Love. We just need to choose to walk in this hope and victory, in Jesus Name.
For years upon years, I had felt inadequate and unimportant as an encourager in this life. My life was full of vivacious, out going Godly women whom I was thankful to serve with and that seemed to be enough for me to feel a part of the bigger plan. At least I could follow directions, be a part of something awesome and not worry about results. While my heart longed to be "good enough," to please others in my family and community, most importantly, God, I accepted the (lie) fact that this was just who I really was. In the back ground was my niche. Not to lead or impact, but to clean up, set up and shut up. God loves a servants heart and I did that very well.
My faith became works based to please the Lord. Eventhough I believed with all my heart He loved me, I knew He must have also been disappointed in my lack of results. Endlessly, I "worked" to honor Him in everything I was. It was exhausting. Always striving, never achieving.
Satan is so clever in his schemes. If he can keep us focused on all that we aren't or can't, we will never see all that God can and will do through us. Who doesn't want to change the world, have a happy social life, feel needed and necessary, be the perfect child, Mom, wife, friend, volunteer, co-worker? The need for love and approval is built into our nature. It's this desire that causes our souls to search for Love. God is the Love calling for us, not man and all the empty promises of this world.
With God, all things are possible. It has taken many years to learn this lesson, but how thankful I am for the freedom in Christ to know His approval is all I need but the real lesson is the reminder that His approval has nothing to do with our ability to earn it. His approval is a Gift of Grace. He loves us because we are His, not because of anything we have to offer. I would like to think I have been a blessing in the lives of others but the need to know that no longer is a concern for me. How I pray to be a seed spreading, root enhancing vessel of love and hope and encouragement in this life, so that others will know Grace because they have met Him through me.
One day the Lord will judge and show me all I have done right or wrong, and until that day, I choose to rest in His grace and unconditional love, knowing that I sit here willing and open, ready to let Him pour in me and bless me with the opportunity to watch His spirit work through me, not because of me.
My heart desires God's heart. God simply desires mine. How beautiful and peaceful is this Good News! I rest knowing that if He used a donkey and a rock, I am truly able to be used by Him too!
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16
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