Although I choose Christ as my own personal Savior in 1986, there were seasons in my life I felt like I couldn't find Him. There was a void in my heart and soul. 2009 was just a season. I was searching and reading in the Word as the restoration process went on. There was just something missing then. I knew He was there with me and yet I felt doubtful. Anxiety is my personal thorn and in times like these, Satan gets in this healing wound and poisons it with thoughts like, "you know He's done being gracious with you," "are you really praying for that again," "He has others with bigger problems than yours," "He doesn't want to hear all your whining," "you're just not smart or special," "the void is because you're not trying hard enough." When really the problem is that I was sinning in my disbelief. I doubted His grace, patience, peace and faithfulness to me to never leave me or forsake me, never give me more than I can bear, and that He is eternal in everything, for everyone!!!
Our family decided to get away for the weekend and headed to a family camp. Each morning I woke up and walked to the lake just down from the cabin to have my quiet time with the Lord. There was a typical picnic table there at the edge where I would sit and read and pray. It was beautiful and quiet. I love being by the water.
This particular morning I was feeling this great void in my heart and soul. I felt empty. The poison of lies began again. I am just never going to be the same (and He knew better-PRAISE GOD I haven't been!!!), I am not worth His time, This is just my discipline for doubting Him all these years, His time is better spent helping those who are super-Christians, living full out for Him or for those who are hurting so deeply. I was just normal and didn't really matter in the big picture. To my family, I mattered. The World, I could leave and no one would probably notice my absence.
I closed my Bible, laid my head down on the picnic table and prayed, "God, am I more than nothing? Do I really matter? I believe in You and love You more than anyone and anything but I am afraid I have lost value in Your eyes. I want to find You close to me. I want to live a life pleasing to You, not grieving You. Please forgive my whinings. Forgive where I have been a coward. Help me know You better and trust in Your love. Amen." After a few quiet moments, keeping my head down, I opened my eyes. Looking down at the dirt, I found JESUS shining in the dirt.
You will see in the picture above JESUS right there in the dirt. I quickly looked around to see who's it could be...at 6am mind you! JESUS?!?
My wondering soul just anchored down. My mind was centered. My heart leaped! I FOUND JESUS!! WooooHooooo!!!! Sweet JESUS!!!!! He really is near...literally!! This was hysterically awesome!!! I had sat there in that same spot several times and yet, JESUS came that morning to meet with me! What was lost, was found. Sight overcame blindspots. Salvation in a season of needing refuge and strength...and proof with gentle correction. (Keeping it real as there must be correction when we sin.)
I found it and knew it was a message straight for me, and I got it! There was no one around to ask, so I get to keep it right?!? This is totally my new ring that I will never take off!! Well, no. Being a person of strong ethics, I knew I needed to turn it into the office. Someone was missing their JESUS. I walked it up to the office, wishing it could just be mine but knowing the right thing to do. I handed it to the lady telling her where I had found it. She looked at me and said, "Looks like JESUS is yours. No one has reported it missing. If someone comes in asking for it I will call you but otherwise, it's yours."
What joy filled me!!! It was a real-life miracle. A testimony no doubt. How could you possibly doubt something tangible!!!! A tangible message from a listening and speaking God. God knew me and the depths of my heart, mind and soul. He knows that I am a "prove it to me" personality, hence anxiety that makes me question everything. Today, in my moment of doubt, anxious or trial, I can literally cling to my JESUS!! I am reminded He is near. He's on me and I am spoken for!! Amen and Hallelujah!!
Just as my wedding ring doesn't make me married, neither does this ring make me a Believer. Removing it doesn't remove my relationship to God or my Husband. The rings are outward symbols of the commitment made. Both from me to my Spouse, my Spouse to me, and to my God and my God to me. With my wedding ring on my left and JESUS on my right, I testify that I am committed. I am also spoken for. You cannot have me cuz I am already in The Arms of Ones who love me.
Next time you feel a void, won't you seek, ask and knock. There may not be a ring at your feet when you open your eyes, but there will be proofs. God is not going to leaving you standing at the door, He is going to open it for you. But you must knock! He's invited you, won't you come. Take a seat at His table and enjoy His fellowship. If you don't get an answer, I'd be sure I was knocking at the right door cuz you may be knocking at the wrong door.
Be aware of sinful and poisonous lies. Rebuke them. Know The Truth by being in His Word!!! It's the only way to recognize the lies. In JESUS....
You are NOT nothing! You ARE special!
You are NOT worthless! You ARE worth dying for!
You are NOT hated! You ARE Loved!!
You are NOT stupid! You ARE Wise!!
You are NOT helpless! You ARE powerful!
You are NOT conquered! You ARE a Conqueror!
You are NOT sick! You ARE Healed!!
You are NOT lost!! You ARE Found!!!
For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?
If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:7-11
Amen and Hallelujah!!
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