Pain and Joy of Pruning

Months ago, I asked my husband to take the kids to allow me a weekend of Me Time. I have been so excited about this upcoming weekend. I am staring at a bowl full of chocolates. I have waited for this day! This morning began with a cup of coffee, two scrambled eggs and two chocolate chip peanut butter cookies made for me by a friend in celebration of my big weekend. It was awesome because had the kids been here-no cookies for breakfast!!! What a treat!
But you know, the reason I wanted this weekend was not for a break from my loving husband or my four great kids..but as an opportunity of growth for all of us. I chose to make this weekend about me-taking time to do what I want which right now is placing myself in God's hands for more than just an hour at a time. Sit before Him and listen more intently, study Him deeply, hear His whispers. A sabbatical if you will. I cannot remember the last time I had a night alone much less a weekend...it was time for me to take time for me. As much as I have wanted it and looked forward to it, it was also difficult to follow through with, but I forced myself to do this
for myself.
I am the commander in chief, the conflict resolver, the chef, the nurturer, the helper, the cleaner, the scheduler, the planner, the nurse, the wife and friend. Here is an opportunity for me to not be in control of everything and I say that with seriousness. I plan and I organize as much as I can, it minimizes chaos but it also creates co-dependency on me for every need one of them has.
Letting go of that control is not easy. Ultimately, it means letting go and giving it over to God. HE will provide for them, HE will protect them. Then for the kids, they have to step it up a little and think a little more for themselves, figure things out with The Fixer getting involved.
For the toddlers, it is a healthy stretch for them to have space from Mom so they know they can function without me right there. For my spouse, I imagine and hope for a refreshed appreciation of all that Mom does, handles and takes care of daily in the lives of 4 kids! We'll see!!
So, it started out fun and enjoyable...chocolates, precious fellowship, jamming out to my IPod-past the typical 8pm bedtime for the kids...then Satan began to plot. Nothing like a little panic attack to throw a kink in the mood, the plan...it didn't start with me though. It was my daughter. As a parent, wouldn't you take pain on behalf of your kids if you could? I know, we learn from our pain, but still, you want to take it for them...she's only 4 yrs old but she has had anxiety and fear since she was in the infant car seat, months old. She would raise her arm over her eyes to avoid eye contact with whoever is trying to start a conversation with her. As she got older, it was not making eye contact, walking into classrooms was intimidating, being left with a babysitter. You want your child to be confident and happy and it is heart breaking when they are not. When they are afraid.
Today, being away from me was scary for her. Even though Daddy and her brothers were there, she is dependent on me to be her steady rock. I have spent lots of time with her teaching her that Jesus is always with her, wherever she goes...but at her sweet little fearful age, she finds great comfort being with me. I knew this would be a good opportunity for her to work some of this pain out in our short separation.
That is exactly what God did with me back in December 2008. He allowed me to be removed from His fellowship and it was hard. It must have been hard for Him too. He loves His children. He loved His Son but was willing to see Him hurting, in tears for the redemption of all of us, to restore fellowship with each one of us. Pain was the root of the gain. So it is this weekend.
I talked with her several times on the phone, encouraging and loving, focusing her on truths but in her mind, she still wasn't home and with her Moma. Somehow I felt it in my body minutes after talking with her. A wave of panic passed through my body only lasting 30 seconds. I knew it was Satan plotting to shake me up but I received it as a fresh and real reminder of where I have come from and where I am going. I am heading straight for Jesus.
He is all I want.
He is all I need.
I know in those days back when I first experienced the panic attacks that it must have been hard for God to allow me to fall and watch me work it out. It took this isolation, this fearful separation from His presence to make me really seek Him. To be desperate for Him, recognizing this was a place I never ever want to be again. I never want to be outside of His will for me. I will never be too busy to build a relationship with my Daddy God.
Tonight, I studied and it didn't take long for God to hand over some personal "Michele To Do's." I guess He heard about my weekend plans to study and grow in Him...funny how that works!
Pruning is hard work, for the plant and the gardener. The plant might loose a little edge, baring it's raw edges and it's bare roots. It is vulnerable till it develops new covering. In this vulnerable time we need to stand guard, stand firm, be watchful for attacks from the enemy. What a blessing to have friends...precious sisters in Christ who are willing to help you stand firm and stand guard with you.
There is a difference of depending on someone for help and receiving encouragement from another. It is important that we do not become co-dependent on another for our courage and our peace. Our comfort, peace and strength should come from God. How far can human comfort and strength take you, I would say not too far from where you already are. But God's comfort and strength is powerful, endless and brings peace. God will bring you comfort and strength through another, as a vessel, maybe someone being His hands and feet to help you stand. There is power in that-if it is from God-it is beneficial, real and life-changing. It is so important that we all have that special few to pick us up off the floor when we have fallen. Ones who can see that you have fallen, that you are weak and vulnerable, in need of divine intervention. That's a treasure worth finding, cherishing and protecting.
For the gardener, it's not easy chopping off sometimes beautiful flowers on the tips of your plant but you do it because the upcoming season it will be healthier and produce much more. The choice seems obvious.
With us too...God will prune you when you need to grow a little more. Maybe there are some dead branches that are ineffective or distractive. Or maybe there is a beautiful display of a dozen blossoms but He knows He can prune it to bring twice as many for next season...pruning is a good thing. But I tell ya, I went from fun and chocolate now to tears of joy and tears of pain. As much as I dislike the pain and discomfort of being vulnerable and exposed, I trust my gardener that He knows exactly how much to take from me in exchange for something better.
"Oh Great and Mighty, honestly, I look back at the past 10 months and as much as I hate it and wish it would have never happened...in the same breathe, if You asked me to choose between No Fear/Anxiety and live a life separated from You or a life consumed by You with grace for the fear...I would choose a life consumed by You. Father search me and clean me. Mold me into a beautiful instrument to be used by You for You. I do not want what I have gone through to become dead to me. Thank You for reminding me tonight that You are in control, not me. It is You through me that helps, nurtures, ministers, protects my family..it's not of me...it's all You! You hold me in the palms of Your hand.
I want to be more effective. In my life, in my weakness, You are my strength. Lord, replace in me my ways with Yours. Shape me, prune me even if it leaves me looking not so pretty for a short time. Bless those who You have given to me to help me stand guard. Help us all to be better protectors and encouragers in each other's lives. Help me to surrender it all down before Your throne, trusting Your plan and Your purpose. May Your Light reflect off me to bring others towards You. I love You, my Alpha and Omega, God Almighty, keep me close. Hold me near. In You I place my trust and my hope. Help me to sustain and endure the pruning process for this season. In Your Precious, Holy and Sovereign Name, amen."