Lord, have mercy!!

Portion from my Daily Devotional today:

For God is, indeed, a wonderful Father who longs to pour out His mercy upon us, and whose majesty is so great that He can transform us from deep within. -Teresa of Avila

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

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Pour...God longs to pour out His mercies...WOW! For ME? YES-and for YOU? YES!

Renew...will God really renew my spirit? Even in all the mess I have made, the mistakes I have made, the poor choices I have made, in the ways I grieved Him, in sorrow and trouble, in my inadequacies - He will still bless me and renew me?? The answer is YES!

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 116:1-9

I wonder what it was the Psalmest was going through in his life to have written this psalm. Was there a physical illness he suffered where he felt the "cords of death entangled me." Maybe it was psychological as he says " I was overcome by trouble and sorrow" and later calms his body, mind and spirit in the last half...

As someone who has suffered the incredibly frightful terror of panic attacks, I think he may have been experiencing one here. Panic attacks are scarey-bottom line. Men and women who have suffered them often find themselves in the emergency room believing they are having a heart attack. The physical pain is great and mentally you are terrified. You feel out of control...overwhelmed by your body and in your mind.

If you have never had one, you probably know someone who has. I won't take the time here, but I encourage you to Google it to have a general understanding about-symptoms, statistics, causes, healing tools, because odds are you will meet someone who has or does experience them. The attack itself can last anywhere from an hour to a minute. Mine gradually decreased in length as well as physical symptoms. Mentally, the fear-the fight or flight-it's still very real. I will say that because of God's healing and His mercy, I do not face as much of the fear as I do maybe great anxiety now.

I don't know how you feel about spiritual warfare, but I believe it is real-very real. (See scripture at the end of this blog entry if this is something new to you.) It has helped me to see fear as an entity rather than a feeling that consumes me. With a feeling, it is just there, a part of you and there is nothing you can do, it's a feeling and you must accept it. Once I made the choice to see it as an entity that I could choose to block, cast out, hand "it" over to God and allow Him to fight "it" for me, it became easier to release it to God and let go of the feeling of lack of control that consumed me. I could not control it. (I describe it to my family as a contraction that a woman feels in labor. It wells up inside you, and it swells till it engulfs you. It peaks and then gradually lessens in intensity. Unfortunately there's no epidural block for it!!)

The feeling of panic causes you to cry out for mercy in that most desperate moment-you feel entagled in death, you are full of sorrow, fear, anger, trouble...death seems like a good option in the moment! I remember telling my husband during one episode, "Honey, I think I am going to ask you to punch me out and you better make it good the first time!" I wanted the immediate escape-thankfully he didn't do it and I am so glad! I have never been hit and I hope to keep it that way!!

I will never forget New Year's Eve, we went to some friends and played Canasta -woohoo, love that game- and I had one sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of a game!! What?!? How weird! My heart began to palpitate, pain shot thru my left arm, and I began to tremble. God's sweet mercy and compassion allowed me to manage it right there in the chair without skipping a beat. Inside though, chaos was errupting!! Noticing my chills, my sweet friend was kind enough to get me a blanket cuz obviously I was chilly!! I simply said Thank You. It wasn't until months later that I shared with her why I was actually trembling and later had to excuse myself from the table to use the bathroom! Even her, being a good friend, was clueless and even now, she still cannot grasp the fact that I experienc(ed) panic and anxiety attacks. You would never imagine it...I still catch myself thinking, really?

Once I had finally fallen into a pit of darkness, flat on my face, full of compassion, God lifted me up. He quieted my soul. He has delivered my soul from death. He patiently waited for me to finally let go of my life and ask Him to take it over for me-and He did! In a moment of absolute desperation, God poured out His grace on me-let me take a moment..."Thank You Jesus! You are Redeemer, Healer, Sustainer and the Source of my strength! Oh God, Thank You for rescuing me and giving me life again. In Jesus compassionate name I offer thanksgiving, amen!"

Okay, I am back, had a moment...Tears fill my eyes in thanksgiving, what a journey He has taken me on this year! My life is soooo different and I wouldn't trade it for anything. If there was anyother way to have traveled a less painful way to Him, I would rather have taken it but this is His way, His plan for me and I accept it. Wailing to rejoicing, I am desperate not for salvation but desperate for my Daily Bread, my Breathe is His. He holds my next breath. In my weakness He is strong. His mercies are new every morning-yeah!!!

It took LOTS of prayer, LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of prayer. A LOT of desperate calling out to the Lord for mercy and grace. A LOT of trust, faith, and stillness before Him was learned...actually, still being learned:) A LOT of work went into learning about panic attacks and how to physically work through them physically and mentally. Spiritually, it is my focus to lay it down, step back and let God take over on my behalf. Seeing it as His fight, not mine gives me boundries in my mind where I know it is not my place to fight back, but trust the One who fights for me.

God has shown great mercies on me in this season off healing. Ultimately, He did what He had to to call me back into an intimate, co-dependant relationship with Him. It took disabling me physically to cause me to enable me spiritually. I cannot imagine starting a day without handing it over to Him first. I absolutely look forward to meeting Him in the morning light, every single morning!!! I thought about having a t-shirt made: BEWARE: I am Co-Dependant (Just not on YOU! Dependant upon God!) ha ha

Are you deperate for Him? Is there something in your life that causes you to feel out of control? It may not be panic or anxiety, fill in the blank and hand it over to Him. Turn your face to Him and lay it all down. I have had some people say to me, How? How do I get feel close to Him? How do I hear Him? What do I say, what should I pray? Remeber, the Lord protects the simplehearted. Keep it simple...look up, open your hands, palms up and say "God, I know You see me and I am asking You to help me. I desperately need You. Renew my soul."

God will take it from there. He will prompt you what to do next. Certainly you will find yourself reading His Word which is living, you will be facing Him more and more everyday and you will learn to hear Him. Behaviors in your life will change, your thought life will change, your spirit will be renewed. He's not a God of confusion or legistics. He is a loving, compassionate God who LOVES YOU!! He wants to pour out Himself on you, will you let Him???

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:10-20