Am I? Good question!

I don't know WHAT this is...mid-life crisis? Identity crisis? God's refining? God's molding? Hmmm, maybe a crisis to make me ask the Lord, "Yes Sir? You called?"

There sure has been a lot of searching and asking and thinking in this "fearfully and wonderfully made" mind of mine recently. Am I the only one that goes through these seasons? You look at yourself every day in the mirror and then it happens...one day you don't recognize who you are. Are you who you have always been? Are you who others say you are? Are you that fearful, insecure and arrogant pre-teen from years ago? The stubborn strong willed, self-righteous one? The know it all? OR the cowardly, insecure, hurting, bitter, worrying, lonely one no one would notice missing if you weren't here?

Aren't our thoughts powerful? It is our thoughts that control and dictate our behaviors and actions. I was talking with some girlfriends last night about my 11 year old son who is currently going through classes to be SCUBA certified. Needless to say, I am nervous for his safety but also so excited for him to experience something surreal....if he passes!!! If I am real honest, I would say I am anxious that he will become anxious and end up making poor choices, immature choices. Another opportunity for God to remind me who is in control. Not me!!! Certainly, not me! HE is.

My friend asked me if I was SCUBA certified too. I hesitated but confidently said, "I am." My husband certified soon after we met and I was too nervous so I always snorkeled above him. That was okay with me. You can still experience so much just by getting your face in the beautiful waters. It is a whole other world down there, very serene and embracing of your senses. We hardly had anything in-common hobby-wise, and I wanted to, so I did in 2002. I passed. I was nervous, yes!!! Okay, maybe triple yes!!! But I did it and can claim the rightful title of being a SCUBA Diver.

Why did I hesitate in answering Yes? It's a simple answer. Either you are or are not certified to SCUBA. Well, as you know, 2008 was the year God began to wave His patient Warning flags to me that He needed my attention back. Our anniversary is in January, so we took off for a dive trip to Belize. Unfortunately, the winds were unusually gusty but we went out anyway. Underwater, it is normally still....not that day! We were at 60ft or so and even the foliage was swaying back and forth. Visibility was minimal too probably from the churning of the waters shaking up the ocean floor. My stomach began to feel queasy as I rocked and rolled down there. Ugh!! Once of my fears is choking on water during a dive, eventhough it had never happened to me til that point, someone with a bondage of fear always waits for "this time is it." 

You can't practice throwing up in your regulator, but it is discussed in class that people have done it and it goes right out, no choking, no problem. What?!? I did NOT want to throw up and yet I couldn't just hop up and do it. So, for the remaining 45 minutes, I took deep breaths and was able to work through the anxiety attacks that would roll through me every 5 minutes. My thoughts were focused on what if I can't keep it down, I can't see much around me, what if we get carried away, what if I can't keep it down and choke and freak out and......ahhhh!!!!!! It was frightening and I was DONE!!! Maybe forever, didn't declare it there, but that was a good probability!

SO, am I a SCUBA Diver.....technically, yes. Will I ever do it again??? Have I chosen to step away from that title and privilege??? Good questions. But I can say with confidence and truth, I am a SCUBA Diver. 

So, back to this "crisis," I am wondering What Am I.....? Who Am I....? My mentor and friend that I am currently studying under sent this email out this week. Read this: 

Good Morning God’s Chosen One,

Wow, does that greeting make you feel special?  Do you believe you are “God’s chosen one”?  How is your week going?  Do you feel “holy and beloved”?  Regardless of how you are “feeling” this morning I want to encourage you to walk each step today in Truth....relying on what you know to be truth whether it “seems” to be or not.  Today I encourage you to hold your head high as you remember fact one – you are God’s chosen one....YOU....God has a plan just for you and without you His plan is missing a piece.  Be careful to walk in obedience today to His leading of your steps and not your own.  Fact two – You are “holy” - regardless of what you “said” or “did” yesterday that might prove otherwise, the fact is; you are “holy”.  Not because of anything you or I did, but because of Christ’s love for us and through the covering of His shed blood.  Oh, sister, that fact alone encourages me to toil (Col. 1:29) harder today to be more like Him. Fact three – You are a “beloved” one of the Creator of the universe, of the Most High God, of the King of kings and the Lord of lords!!!!  Shout “Hallelujah” with me!!  The truth is; no matter how you feel this morning, you are LOVED,  you are BELOVED, you are GREATLY LOVED!!!!

Okay....so now that we have the “facts” straight.... : )  How are you doing in your walk?


Somedays I feel as though I must dig and dig and dig some more until I find that nugget from Him. Then there are messages sent through others, songs, sermons, random places and ways that are Claritin Clear!! haha

SO, Who I am is who GOD says I am, not what I think. Not what others think. Not even what I hope to be. I am simply, ME! Here I am mature in many ways, immature in many ways, goofy, serious, a Mom a Wife a Daughter a Friend.....a Daughter of THE King!!!!!! There is NO DOUBT why we are to live in fellowship with each other and especially surrounding ourselves with others Believers in our life so that God can touch our spirits to "admonish and encourage" one anothers. I am thankful to have been reminded of the facts. I pray that in word and deed, I go where He says, do what He says...in confidence and with assurance of the truth engraved in me! I have the title of Daughter of the King.

What lies are YOU being tempted to believe? What truths are true for YOU? Stand up and walk in Holy Truth! If you don't like what ugly things are true about you, we are ALL sinners that needing to be cleansed by Him, then change them. It was true that I was bound by fear, but the truth was that God is LOVE and fear was a lie I had to get rid of. Our sin is true, in that it is there, so get rid of it and put on Truth!!!!

STOP THE LIES!!!!! YOU ARE....I AM......LOVED, HOLY and yes, even BEAUTIFUL to our Creator!! AMEN!!!!!

" Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience; bearing with one another."  Colossians 3:12-13a

Bitter, Angry, Dry Grass

What kind of grass do YOU have? I know, weird question huh? And I am NOT referring to "illegal" grass...haha, just to clarify!! Needless to say, this season in my life demands that most of my time and energy spent on keeping the inside of my house clean, organized and alive. Not the case of the outside of the house. I water, feed, nurture, plant seeds and keep a close eye out for "bugs" within the walls of my home, speciafically in the yards of my children. God has blessed us with this home therefore, we need to be good stewards of it and I think we do, but the yard is not one of the beautiful things we own. My ministry is inside.

After living here for nearly 6 years, we finally made the decision to replace the front yard's "grass." Well, the problem was there actually wasn't any grass. It was all weed. Thankfully it was green, but none the less, it was weeds. With weeds comes prickles, burrs, ant beds, thorns, etc. It was never a lawn to roll around on or even walk on barefoot. 

With every weekend full of "something" we made the decision to hire a crew to get it done for us one Saturday morning. You have no idea the joy it has been to walk carefree in our front yard. Sounds silly, but when you've had such an issue for long, it's nice to remove "the thorn in your side". It feels healthy. It is freeing!!

We are blessed with a huge backyard, compared to the rest of the neighborhood but with it comes the challenge we also struggle with~ watering the entire back yard, and yes, it is the same weed-filled landscape, full of thorns and burrs amongst the weeds. Our city has been in a severe drought therefore even our weeds are now crsipy. They have called for water conservation, so our water has only been towards the front yard's new grass and tree. We have not watered the backyard for a few weeks now. It is dead and boy does it hurt! (No one would dare walk on it freely, you must be geared up!!)

Yes, our back yard "grass" hurts. It is very crsipy and it hurts the soles of your feet to walk on. However, the front yard is lush and beautiful, a welcoming site. It's like walking into two completely different lands. There is green and lush and yellow and brittle. Where would you choose to spend time? Where would you feel most comfortable? Notice my neighbor's grass...whose yard are you drawn to? Me too!!!

Here are the two applications God taught me thru my grass:

1.) To have a healthy soil/soul, you must consistently receive Living Water, the source of Life.

2.) In order to be an effective witness, drawing others to Him, our yards must be welcoming. 

If I do not receive the Source of Living Water to nourish me, I will become dry, brittle, crisp, harsh, dead. I would certainly not be a welcoming site for others. Nothing dead can produce life. Only Life can breed Life.

Questions: 

Are you intentionally seeking out and consistently drawing on God's Living water~ through His Word, His Love, through others He places in your path?

Do you have a yard full of weeds: attitude, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, laziness, pride, insecurity? 

Are you a welcoming place for others or do they feel the need to avoid or gear up just to get near you? It may be time to dig it all up and start again with a clean slate so that others, as well as yourself walk no longer in pain! You are ultimately hurting your own sole/soul.

Is it time to remove some thorns that have been ailing you for too long? Not all thorns can be removed quickly and God may even see fit that a few remain for a season. Romans 8:28 In His timing, He will prune. You just be willing, and ready to do some yard work!

Father God,

Nurturer, Provider and Protector of my soul, cleanse me from all that hinders life in me, bind it and cast it far. I'm so thirsty for You and crave Your Life. Fill me overflowing so that my spirit, mind and heart can pour out from the overflow into the life of another, giving them nourishment from You too. Forgive the days I choose not to drink from Your well and rely on my own way. I acknowledge You are my only Source. Fill me, cleanse me, prune me, heal me, replenish and grow me. My hope is in You, my Strength and Shield. Lord, would You bless us with a revival in dry land. Praise Your Mighty Hands, amen.

Losing a Child : Miscarriage Mom

Have you ever lost a child?

Maybe through a pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage?

An unexpected quick ending of life, due to an illness, accident or intentional death?

It's hard to explain how a part of your heart dies too. Personally, I have had 3 miscarriages over the course of my Mommyhood. My first son was born in 1997, born 1 week early, weighing 8lbs 4ozs. Nearly 2 years later, I experienced a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was heartbreaking, of course. Just a few weeks later, I found myself, nervously pregnant again and had the joy to meet another son, born 2 weeks early, weighing in at 8lbs 1oz in 1999. In 2001, I lost yet another pregnancy at 11 weeks as well as another at 13 weeks in 2003. I sure have a LOT of questions for God!!

With fear, insecurity and perfectionism being such a huge part of who I was, my natural default was to blame self...."What did I do wrong?" Was it the day I forgot to take a vitamin, drank a coke, tripped, slept on my back?" Looking for the cause so I could do it right next time...this is insecurity.

After the first miscarriage I certainly learned greater appreciation for the gift of life, not that I didn't appreciate it, I did and it's miraculous. At the same time, I never considered the fact it wasn't a guarantee. You are raised your whole life to "be careful" because this is how it happens....soooo....A + B = C. From that moment on, I never took a positive test for granted, especially one that continued to grow. 

Then you begin to wonder, okay why....why give a baby, then the the baby. I valued the humbling lesson of the first one but then, to have it happen 2 more times...why!?!? I know God gives and takes away, I know He has a purpose, I know His plans are not ours and I know we don't always get to know the Why to our Why.  

I had people tell me, "Well, it must be a sign from God you are done." 

But it wasn't and knew that in my soul. I was meant to Mother more and we began looking in to adoption and fostering but the Lord never confirmed this to us. We were also reminded of all the Spiritual Children God had planned for us through our ministry in Youth and Children over the years along with loving on the friends of our kids and our neighbors.

Insecurity tells you you've done something wrong to have caused this. 

Fear tells you you better figure it our and work harder on being a better Womb Host for your babies otherwise you'll keep loosing them till you get better at carrying a baby, being a Mom. Something I had dreamed of all my life and here I was facing the fear I wasn't a good one.

Fear is such a liar!

I finally had to come to a place of surrendering my ability to produce and sustain life. I mean, I am not God, so there's that! The enemy so softly nurtured my fears, taking my eyes off the truth of Who is The Breath of Life, The Maker of all. It wasn't easy to let go and surrender. My Birthing session came before my freedom season. I didn't have a lot of Spiritual Sisters to walk out what should be an exciting season while also this confusing and grieving season because I didn't let any know. The guilt believing the loss was somehow my fault was a heavy and embarrassing burden. 

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." I Peter 4:12-13

As we prayed about What now God? after 5 pregnancies. In March 2004 we decided to "see what happened" being open to what God wanted for us through the end of the year.

With each pregnancy after, you can be sure I worked harder and was more and more disciplined to do the absolute best that I could to be healthy for my baby, so that I knew that any loss was not my fault as Satan had tempted me to believe. 

I sat in the knowing there was God's part and my part. It wasn't until years into the healing I understood the sovereignty of God and believed my part could never trump His part but that His will would be done on earth as it is in Heaven. He is the sustainer of these babies. There is only so much that we can do and their life is dependent upon the One that holds their sweet baby breath.

Just a few short months later, our sweet Princess was placed in my surrendered but scared womb. You bet, I was nervous, afraid yet desperately hopeful. I acknowledged there was only so much I could do, owning my part and surrendering under His plan but if I am honest, it was a daily process as I white-knuckled every prayer. Until fear is captured and bound within us, we will continue to worry in our worship. 

We were blessed with 2 more babies this side of Heaven. I held my girl in February 2005, 3 weeks earlier than we had planned and soon after was SURPRISED to carry another son weighing in at a grand 10lbs 7ozs, whom we met in December 2006, 1 week LATER than we had expected!! God was funny to say the least but His message was clear! 

Two dear friends of mine have recently experienced losses that brought me to this time of remembrance of my own losses. Obviously, each delivery was a time of celebration and joy, a blessing; where as the losses filled my soul with sadness in a time of grief and doubt. In God's sovereignty, I believe He allows us to have a bit of amnesia about the pain involved. We always have that sense of loss in our heart, but the depth of the feelings are minimized through time. 

When I think back over the miscarriages, I had forgotten about the haunting feelings you go through. 

When the Doctor tells you your baby has passed, as much as you want to hold them forever in you and protect them by keeping him with you, you also want them out of you. There's the hope for a miracle you have that also believes, God can revive this baby...what if they are wrong?! 

I had to have surgery with each one, and the feeling of waking up, knowing they took out your baby, left an empty feeling. He's gone. It's final. I just had my baby...where's my baby?! It was as if I choose to remove him. These are just complex thoughts running through a grieving, fearful, insecure mind. They certainly were not truths or where my spirit settled. Then I wondered what do I do now.....Also, how do I do better.

My body felt hallow. My mind was confused. My spirit grieved but also knew God had allowed this and I would one day be reunited with my 3 Angel Babies. It was a strange grieving process each time not knowing the why behind the loss, but faith, hope and love always remained. Mercy carried me to each new day. Miscarriage is such a strange loss. How do you grieve it? Should you grieve it when other women have lost their birthed babies and older children...how much harder must that be to have known them and grown them then loose them. My hearts aches for those Mamas even greater. I cannot even comprehend. 

Again with the feeling somewhat responsible for the loss, grieving didn't feel appropriate either. It's so strange. Anyhoo...this could literally be an entire book and at this point basically is.

It made me think of the loss God must feel when He looses His children. The grieving and longing for what could have been...not only did He loose His Son, but each one of His children that He created, loves and held, only to loose them forever when they reject Him. I imagine His grieving and sadness must be deeper than any one of us could ever experience. Even when we breath in His Life and we walk away from Him, I cannot imagine not only the rejection He might feel but the heartbreak, deep sorrow. However, what a joy and celebration He must then feel when we are born into Him. When our spirit breathes Life, angels sing a mighty chorus in celebration of our birth!


Father God,

Bless You...my heart is saddened to think of the loss, the emptiness, the depth of despair You must feel each time You loose one of Your children. All eternity separated from those who's spirit was not born again into Life. How You anticipated and longed for their deliverance. I have never before thought that You would be so blessed by my spiritual birth until now. The joy of seeing Your child born again!!! The heartache and pain of those lost. Father God, I thank You that for my babies, our babies lost, we will meet again, they are not lost forever. 

Father, for those who have forever lost their child, those who didn't choose Life in You, God, comfort their hearts. May Your tears of sadness rain grace over their parents and those who loved them here on Earth. 

May our lives be a celebration, even in the midst of suffering and heartaches, may You give us the courage to rejoice through tears. Bind Satan's lies of shame, condemnation with Your binding love. 
Thank You Jesus for seasons of pain so we may know Your strength and comfort. Thank You for loss so we understand gain. Thank You for brokenness so we may know Your healing. With each tear, whether joy or grief, God be seen in the reflection. Be our comfort.

God, I praise Your Name. Give Your children a strong sense of Your identity, reveal Yourself in a mighty way so we may stand tall, receiving this great gift of being Your child. Help us to celebrate Life. Help us to receive the privileges of being part of the Royal family. Give courage to those encouragers you have placed in our life to challenge us in truth and love to not turn away from You. Father, Rock, Redeemer, forgive us. Capture us. Protect and Grab ahold of our minds and hearts. Cleanse us. 

Use my Life to celebrate You. Forgive me when I doubt You. Grow me to maturity in You. Forgive my immature and selfish thinkings. Capture my thoughts. Cleanse me in Your truth. Lead my way. 
Praise You Holy, Loving Abba Daddy, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, There is NONE like You. amen.

Working in the Woods

I was given an opportunity to help with decorations for our church's upcoming Sportsman's Day event. Preparing has been exhaustingly FUN! You know what I mean? It's soooo fun but so much work! The JOY certainly has outweighed the "pain." 

This morning, I was out scourering the woods searching for decorative pieces to use and in usual God-fashion as He seems to do with me, His visual child, He caused me say something that was obviously a lesson I needed to chew on as I was working. The most beautiful logs happened to be the trees, seemingly old trees that had long ago died. Their branches were full of texture and their color was a blend of greys and browns, simply aged perfectly. What I loved most was not only were they beautiful in color and years of twisting and turning had left them full of art-like designs....they were so delicate, it was easy to maneuver them, break them, carry them, to be able to use them for my project.

I said outloud, "Wow, it's soooo much easier to use these dead ones, than the live ones."

What a lesson of being "dead" to ourselves and alive in Him. Certainly if I died to myself, I have nothing to fight back with or resist, I can be easily carried by the One taking me.

It is only after I am exhausted, frustrated and plum worn out that I tend to take a step back and ask myself, "Why is this (whatever I am struggling with) so hard?" It is then that I realize I am working it myself, in my own strength, and sometimes even resisting. One of my issues is "staying in the moment," waiting and being patient. I tend to be a very organized planner, and I can be spontaneous, but I like to be prepared for "whatever!" God doesn't work like that in every way. He does tell us to be ready for battle, putting on our armor; however, we Go when and how HE says, not what we imagine or think and even attempt to prepare for. When we settle into our moment, it's amazing the peace and joy...AND ENERGY, flows through us. Not that everything is easy-cheesy-lemon-squeezy, but it's that inner strength, patience, perseverence and endurance flowing through. 

I freely admit I am as equally easy-going as I am strong-willed! It's my Italian blood, or so I can blame anyway!! haha

Do you feel dead? If you have been saved you are ALIVE in Christ and have freely died to self, so if you don't feel dead, what are you clinging to? What "thing" are you struggleing for? God wants to be your Source, won't you allow yourself to be freely given to Him and allow Him to move you and use you on His planned project! He is the Potter and you are the clay.




The secondary lesson/application learned was the opposite is then true in spirit. Working this backwards, the truth is also, we are stronger when we are alive in Christ. When we are full of the Living, connected to a Living Source, we are strong. The more we pull away, the weaker we become. We may die a slow death or a quick one if we are chopped. (No need for theology debate here-once saved always saved, just referring to strength, ability to bear fruit and intimacy with our Father, NOT salvation.) A dead branch cannot bear fruit. The Master Gardner prunes His branches to they will have new growth.

In our flesh we are weak and yet we can make ourselves stronger by dieing to our fleshly desires. The closer we are to our Source of Living, The Lord God, we are refreshed, revived and alive. It is through the surrendering of self that God can most easily move us, mold us, lead us.

My hope for us as Believers~ may we daily die to ourselves, giving way of all control to be moved gently or abruptly for what God's purpose is for each of us, that we would trust that The Source will supply all our needs as we thirst after Living Water, and may we remain close to Him so that His strength will be ours, His joy will be ours, His love will be ours, His patience will be ours, His gentleness will be ours, His mercy will be ours and His goodness will be ours.

I hope you will dig through the familiar scriptures and ask Him to show you areas where you need to let go and die to self, becoming easily carried by Him. So that you may also feel alive and full....in your death.

John 15 & Isaiah 29

God, makes us faithful and obedient servants of Yours, not to ourselves or any other, but to You! In Jesus' name, amen! 

It was Him again!!!

What unexpected "fun" it is to serve a Living God! My Abba Daddy! My Very Best Friend! And also, My Disciplinarian.

Over the past several weeks, my spirit has been hypersensitive to issues of Trust. Therefore, my prayers have been centered around Trust. Am I trust-worthy? Do I trust myself? Do I trust The Lord my God? Songs, scriptures, and even conversations with others....and my two separate bible studies, have also penetrate my listening spirit as they relate to trust.

For those of you familiar with my relationship with God, you know that He is faithful to illustrate my lesson...a further confirmation that is where I need to be, tracking along in sanctification. I got my Trust Illustration yesterday.

For no particular reason, over the past several days, my 4 year old has been at my heels. My husband is also out of town, but not a real rare thing. Nothing comes to mind when I try to figure out why he is soooo clingy to me. The time of day does not matter. Who else is at home, does not matter. If I tell him I where I will be for the next few minutes, within the house/yard, does not matter.

If I run upstairs for something, within 30 seconds he is yelling, "Mom?!?!? Where are you?!?!" I even told him that I would be putting my laundry up in my room, or taking a shower for 15 minutes and he could finish watching his show and within minutes, he is upstairs looking for me. He has also asked me to take naps with him! This is just a sampling of the "on my heels." He acts as if he was left behind and traumatized from it last week, fearing to be forgotten.

Yesterday morning, he was playing in the bathtub as I took my shower (yes, same room and yes warm water and yes, about 3 inches deep). He enjoys playing even during the time I get ready and his little fingers wrinkle up like a raisin! He loves baths!! Knowing his recent issues with "separation anxiety" I was sure to tell him I was going to be right back, I needed to grab my phone next to my bed (15 ft on the other side of the door mind you). Just as I was returning, opening the bathroom door, he greeted me at full speed, dripping wet, with towel in hand. It was a COLD morning (the door was closed to contain our heater), and he had jumped out....WET!! This was CrAzY!!!! He has never done this before.

Quickly bundling him, I got down on my knees, and exclaimed, "What in the world are you doing Little Man?!? I told you I would be right back which I was, and you are perfectly safe." It was what came out of my mouth next that floored me....you probably already know, don't ya?! I stood up, with hand on my hip and said, "Don't you trust me?" Then, the rebuke came into my heart, spirit, mind...wherever "it" happens...as if an audible voice spoke it, I "heard" "He is just like you."

The night before, I had been talking with a friend, discussing how much my Little Man is just like me, similar in looks and personality and spirit. We talked about each of the kids and the similarities and differences of each one to my husband or I. So, when "it" came to me, it was significant as the "is" was emphasized. "He is just like you." Believe it or not, I actually huffed!!! Yes, an adult pout. What? Huh? Me? How am I like him relating to this repetitive, crazy, issue?

Well, it was clear. Trust. What God says in His Word, or through a divine Word, do I trust Him? It's not enough to believe it. We must trust it because we believe it. I believe God, now can I trust Him with what I know and believe? Having been betrayed a handful of times over the years, trust does not come easy for me to give. If we were all honest, I think most of us will admit that it is hard to walk through a trial or crisis, without questioning if God is still in control. "Surely, if God was God, He wouldn't allow this horrible thing to happen." This is our human logic as well as Satan's scheming to divert us from God's sovereign truth!!

The longer we walk with God and the more we know Him, with what we come to know about God, we could write in great lengths of His amazing grace, mercy and compassion for His children. He is a sovereign and loving God whose ways are not our ways. Our "why" is His way.

I wouldn't trade anything for the seasons of heartache and trials I have walked through in my life, although during these storms, my flesh and spirit battled of Who was actually in control of the situation. Trusting anyone is an area of weakness in me. Is God really there? What am I doing wrong? Only through His great, and I mean great patience with me, I have come to learn that God prunes us to bear more fruit (John 15) and He disciplines those He loves (Heb 12:5-7). He doesn't leave us to suffer, even though we can feel that way. Satan wants us to believe we are forgotten, planting seeds of doubt.

Commandment #1~ Love the Lord your God!!!!! With all you've got, love Him. Second, love others! When we fall deeply in love, our love deepens therefore our trust deepens. When we trust Him to be Who He says He is, we don't have to continue running back to Him in desperation, "soaking wet" in doubt, guilt, or shame. He is faithful, even when we are not.


Father God,

I bow my heart, soul, mind, heart, and spirit to Yours. Forgive my disbelief. Strengthen me in You. Help me surrender deeper, more completely to You alone. Not my will, but Yours. Shape my body, mind an soul, to one of courage, endurance and trust. I believe You Father, grant me confidence and passion to fully trust You. Bind Satan and his evil doers from their clever lies. Help me discern Your perfect will each day as I submit to You. I am Yours.
Thank You for blessing me with precious Brothers and Sisters in the faith who are beautiful examples of courage and love....and who are trustworthy persons. My spirit is sharpened by them. I receive tangible encouragement from them and thru them. I am blessed to be loved, help me to continue to receive Your love through them. Help me to receive Your love through difficult situations, things I don't understand. May my satisfied spirit overflow outwardly onto those who despite my flaws, can receive Your love through even me.
Thank You Jesus for loving me sooooo much more than I can wrap my brain around. Thank You for Your incredible patience with me each time I come running back in fear to search for You. Teach me to have a spirit of confidence, courage and rest in You. May my heels quit digging in and may they kick up and rest!! Sweet God, Enduring Friend and Loyal King over All. Praise Your Holy name, amen.

All that matters

Last week was Valentine's Day and it was a CRAZY week! My daughter had the flu, my husband was out of town all week, I was double booked each night for meetings that one of us were supposed to be at and even though it could have been absolute chaos (at times it did feel that way), it all came down to Love.

When you are pulled in 15 different directions, you can only do what you can do. As I stepped onto Monday's doorstep at 5:30am, I surrendered that morning, that day, and the remainder of the week to God. Sunday evening, I had already begun to feel the pressure of keeping it together, having enough patience, having the energy needed to manage a full week without my helpmate and when my husband asked me, "How are you going to manage? Are you going to be okay?" I replied, "God will provide all that I need and I trust Him to do it." Being the great guy that he is, wanting to help, he did encourage me to call some maids to help me ready the house for our company that was arriving at the end of the week. That part could be delegated-meeting could not. No arguments there! Only I could care for my flu-stricken daughter and only I could manage the kids and make the meetings.

God did provide, as always He is faithful. I felt a peace throughout my days that was only from Him. He was my peace and strength in perfect portions. It was a busy week but I did not feel stressed. After such full days, the kids were exhausted and went to bed without issue and I was able to enjoy some wonderful alone time with my Father, in worship and word. Amazingly, I also awoke each morning without alarm at 5:30am. It is amazing because my honey usually wakes me up at 6am which by then, I have missed my morning quiet time. So for me to wake up on my own so early and consistently, was a GOD thing-no doubt.

It's funny how when you know you need something, it's easy to sacrifice. I think we have a less determined attitude when we think we can handle it ourself. I knew I needed God's grace and peace and strength this week, so I was willing to loose a little sleep in order to have it. But, don't we realize we need Him every single day? Just because we may not have any "issues" doesn't mean we don't need God.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned over the 2009 year was that I need God's grace every day that I had breath in my lungs. I had become so self-reliant for so many years, just calling out to my 911 Guy as needed, that I forgot to trust Him in ALL things. I managed my life well enough I felt that I would please God in how well I did in my matured faith, not needing to be so needy from Him. All the while, not realizing that I needed Him even more so as I slipped further way from Him.

I will never ever forget that season in my life where God removed Him covering over me (not lost salvation-but hand) and His presence was no longer felt and boy did I ever need my 911 Guy at this point in my life. The greatest lesson I learned from that is that God is our DAILY every thing. From glory to glory-He provides. The circumstance in my life was irrelevant to how much I needed Him. His portions are always perfect whether much or little.

God is more than just our Rescue. He is also our breath. He is our Daily Bread. He is the very air we breath and when He is not your source, you feel like you are suffocating. My greatest Love is my Lord and Christ Jesus!! The only One I receive pure, unconditional Love from- my trustworthy, faithful Father God. He is so much more than my Rescue from an eternity in Hell and moments that feel like hell. He is my Peace, Joy, Comfort, Endurance, Calm, Encouragement.

I encourage you that if you are running the show, falsely thinking that God is pleased how well you are doing on your own without needing Him, that you would find some quiet time in your week to seek after Him and ask Him to empty you of you and help you to surrender yourself completely to Him. May HE be your source of strength and joy for the day ahead of you. May you do all that you can do and allow GOD to handle all the rest. Satan would love nothing more than to get you walking through your own mud pit and spend countless energy and time trying to get out of it.

No matter what your week ahead looks like, won't you bow before Him now and ask Him to fill you, provide for you, Love you as only HE can. Receive His amazing Love.

The Rainbow~ Pain to Praise

Have you ever had a "black eye?" I had not, until this week and what an ouchie!! I was helping my 5 year daughter roller skate and long story short, we fell and she was nearly my landing pad. My knee caught me so I didn't land on her but my forehead wacked the crown of her head. WHAM!!!!!

Within 30 seconds the golf ball sized knot ballooned on my eyebrow, including my eyelid. I made sure she was okay and quickly made my way to the Cafe to get some ice. I applied several drops of Lavender and Peppermint oil all around the area and iced it for 20 minutes. The initial hit was painful but the swelling actually numbed it after that, plus the ice worked in my favor. Within an hour, it had shrunk to a grape sized buldge.

Day 1

Seeing my daughter's great concern and guilt for feeling as if it was her fault, I was up and skating one last time before we went home. I knew I was okay, otherthan possibly a very slight concussion, but I wondered about what color my face would be in the morning.

I have enjoyed documenting each day with a picture of the bulging eye. It is difficult to get the depth of it. And so many have asked about the pain. I didn't know what to expect. From the looks of it, you would think I needed morphine. The eyelid itself, the most colorful part, doesn't hurt. Everything else, however, does! I still am not able to wash my face without caution. There are rolling headaches now and then, but for the most part, my main issue has been camoflague! Styling my hair just so the bangs would cover most of the eye.

Despite the crazy and colorful eye, I have not slowed down as far as my schedule. The very next night I would be leading a ladie's bible study group in my home, I had a hair appointment, the following night was church and AWANA's and Thursday morning I had agreed to do the welcome as well as the worship for the bible study. Walking in my flesh, I wanted to stay locked up until the crazy eye was normal again. I mean, how embarassing. Then I felt how vain. But I also didn't want to be a distraction during the study either. There was a day years ago, I would have stayed home. Not bound or lead by fear any longer, in Jesus name! amen~

God, once again with His visual applications with me, used this to teach me a few things. First, I should not keep my flaws locked away, but use them as testimony. So, I continued going and doing as normal, (but with bangs a little more flowing!!). I prayed that God would blind people from noticing it and for me to not be consummed by it. By the end of the week, I must have had over a dozen compliments on the color. I admit, it did look like a dark creamy shadow. I haven't worn eyeshadow or blush in years, so it was quite different for me.

Day 5

What God taught me:

Change is a process, one day at a time and we are not incharge of the timing. Although if you do your best to work with it and not against it, it will be more productive. 

Sometimes change hurts.

Our hurts can hurt us in places we least expect it.

We are hurt when we least expect it.

Bruises come in all shapes and sizes and come from unexpected sources.

When we are bruised (physically, emotionally), God is Healer. He can change our pain to purpose.

Without the pain, we wouldn't understand comfort.

Without panic, we wouldn't understand peace.

We can do our best to be prepared and equipped but adversity still comes. That is what you are prepared for!!!!

When we see our bruises, we have a choice- dwell on the pain and the cause of the pain OR focus on the colors (rainbow) and be reminded of His promises, healing to come.

God will use our physical imperfections to reveal our spiritual imperfections.

God fixes our broken pieces.

Pain for pleasure, fair trade.

I have to CHOOSE to trade my pain for pleasure even when I am greatly pained.

My pain has turned to praise~ praise the Lord, amen!!!!!!! He is Healer and Comforter.

I wonder how many of us are walking around with bruised hearts, souls and minds? We can hide it so well with our facade that everything is alright. I used to be one of those type of people that didn't show pain or weakness. In the last 2 years, God has brought me to a place of security in Him that it doesn't matter to me what other people think about me. I used to. Sure, I don't care to be judged or fail but it no longer keeps me from stepping forward as it once did before. Fear and Worry controlled every decision. April 2009, God helped me break those chains and I am FREE from the bondage that Fear and Worry had over me for most of my life.

Yes, I still feel nervous, with tiny butterflies in me when I stand infront of others, but I am thankful for the tiny flutters that remind me about my inadequacy to do anything without God being in charge. I simply lay it before Him and ask for Him to lead through me. My biggest prayer used to be, God, Help me get this right. Now, my biggest prayer is, God, empty me and fill me with You. Lead for me. Help me trust You with this. There is so much more peace and joy when we surrender it completely before Him and allow the Holy Spirit to work through us, all the while, working on us.

Black, blue, green, yellow, purple...whatever color I see, I will choose to see His rainbow of promises. This may have been my first physical black-eyed bruise, but it wasn't the first painful bruise on my heart. We all suffer a painful wack to our heart and soul over the course of our lifetime. When my heart changes colors, I am thankful that God is Healer over ALL things and He is faithful to keep His promises. He will never leave me. He will always love me despite my greatest flaws.

What color are your bruises? How old are your bruises? I encourage you to stop hiding them and hand them back over to God so He can begin the healing process in your life. Be encouraged, healing will come. Be patient, it is a process, work with it.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

"Since you have kept My command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth."
Revelation 3:10

" Praise be to the LORD, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song." Psalms 28:6-7

Seen a Hero lately?

This morning in my bible study, having a Hero was mentioned. It got me to thinking about Heroes- who are they? What makes them a Hero?

It's interesting how our definitions change as we change (aka-get older). What used to be considered "fun" at one time, is no longer how I would choose to "have fun" today. The goals I once had set for me to achieve are no longer the same goals. What I considered to be acceptable, I know question.

Even physically, it used to be all about the numbers and now, it's how I feel and how healthy is the inside of me; not so much the outside of me anymore. If you asked me to describe what defines a woman as beautiful years ago, I would point out her flawless skin tone, body shape, clothing style, manicured nails and flowing hair. It is not my definition today. Beauty is the heart, soul and spirit of a person. What's on the inside comes out and affects the outside and if it isn't true, it turns ugly quickly. A beautiful child of God radiates Love. There's just something about him/her.

So, what's a Hero...I think most of us would generally say a Hero is an adult-aged "someone" who helps others, fixes things, one who helps us get what we needed and steps up to save the day. As I reflect on this title of Hero, the attributes that come to mind are not grounded in outward traits or outward works. My definition of Hero is based on who the person is, not what a person does.

Someone who's courage is steadfast in the face of great temptation or trial is my Hero. The person who's life takes a tragic turn and where most would question God in anger, he/she maintains the faithfulness of hope. They trust when the rest of us doubt. They have joy when we have devastation. Their tears are wiped with peace while ours are wiped with grief. The answers to their questions can be found in The One who IS The Answer! How humbling.

My 4 year old son has been my Hero. My several Sisters in Christ who are facing cancers, young and old are my Heros. The encouragement and faith of my next door neighbor who recently had a stroke inspired me and challenged me. Those who have left the secular career world (money, family, familiarity, friends) to be full time ministers or missionaries, they are my Heros.

A Hero stands when others sit. They speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. When the rest of the world hates, they love. A Hero hugs the seemingly unhuggable.

Of course, those who serve our country, military, locally, fireman, police officers, etc are in a class of their own. Anyone who willingly puts their life on the line to protect another's, is certainly a Hero!!! We have one of those in my family too!!!

As I look at the people God has placed in my life, I certainly see a lot of Heros. All ages. Each one for a different reason. There isn't a Hero checklist, but these have certainly made their mark!! 

Thank You Lord God for being our Ultimate Hero!!!! God, if Your Holy Spirit resides in those of us who believe in Your Son, then each of us have the ability to be a Hero. Will you help us have the confidence in You to allow You to be that Hero through us.

Help us to remain steadfast in You. Define for us what You want us to be and not what we think others want us to be.

Hoping, trusting, resting. Thank You that in You we have the honor and blessing to encourage others and be a witness of You. Thank You for placing Heros in our life to teach us what true strength and courage really means and what it means to live a self-less life by faith. Thank You Jesus.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6



Smiling on the 14th Floor

January 2011 marked our 18th Wedding Anniversary!! It is hard for me to believe that I have been married for that long...I don't feel like I could be old enough?! The season of life we are in, we are not able to simply pick up and go away for a weekend. This year, we did managed to get away for one night as we stayed local.

To our surprise, as we checked into the beautiful hotel, they placed us on their top floor....the 14th floor! When I head those numbers my heart skipped a beat~ both joyful and fearful at the same time. Many of you may remember that in December 2008, I had "hotel issues" causing a season of panic attacks. In the first hotel, we were on the 13th floor I believe and had to move to the 2nd floor (which didn't really make a difference). Weeks later on a trip to Austin to see family, we stayed in a gorgeous hotel, I believe on the 10th floor, and again, there were panic moments in this torturous season. The next morning, we attended a large church as a family and even there...panic. This was quite the Season of Hell to say the least. I was so consumed by fear and anxiety that I did not have hope or understanding. I was afraid.

The following April of 2009, God had delivered me from the bondage of fear. My birthday was certainly a celebration of Life! We stayed on the top floor of our hotel which only happened to be the 9th floor but that was a huge moment of victory for me! Fear had no hold on me!! Life was good, full of hope! Life to be lived fully in Christ, with great hope and anticipation. Since then, we have not stayed in a "big" hotel.

We walked over to the elevator, pushed the Up button and waited. The doors glided open and we stepped inside. My heart jumped, but I was ready, willing and knew with God, I was able!!! This was not an issue for me. What a moment to treasure!!! A Blessing counted and remembered.

Side note: I don't know why there has to be a chime at every floor passed, kinda reminds you how high you are going, and really...is anyone counting to know? They should do away with the chimes~ not good for anxious riders!!
 
Anyway, After the first few seconds of taking a deep breath and believing...celebrating this victory, my heart was glad. Just 2 years ago, I thought I would never be able to stay comfortably in a hotel again and yet, here I was rising to the 14th floor!!! And of course, our room couldn't be the first door, but it was at the end of the hallway! Funny God!! Walking it out in joy.

 
  Our room was beautiful and the view was awesome!!! I have never liked edges, and even now, I will not be the person leaning against the windows or rails, but I did walk straight up to it and look down. The smile was for the victory more than the view. God is sooooo good!

 
The hotel gifted us with flowers, champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries! (What a wonderful distraction too!) I haven't had a drink since 1994, but I sure loved the strawberries!! We enjoyed several rides up and down the elevators as we visited the pool area and restaurant. No issues, amen!

 
When we are in the middle of the storm, it is hard to imagine ever getting out of it, and very difficult to see anything good in it. It is soooo important that we have two things~ confidence in God through our faith and the love of others. God is our Potter and He is in the business of defining and shaping us to be more like Him. In the same way we bless and correct our own children, so God does with us. It takes good times and bad times to teach us. Some things are only learned through trials.
 
Before you find yourself in the midst of a trial, be ready! Work out those spiritual muscles so that when it is time to be strong, you are! Also, ask God to place others who are deeply in love with Him around you, for such a time as this. We are made to live in community with each other and God uses others to help us in our time of need. "Encourage one another, love one another." I am thankful for the sweet sisters God has placed around me. It has been through them that God has been that hug, that word of hope, the focus and perspective. To each a season and to each a specific reason. We should all be a sharpening to one another and not dull each other out.

I am also thankful to be married to my man who has reminded me over and over that he will never leave me or walk away from me. He is committed to walk over the mountains with me and even the valleys. Boy has he!!! I appreciate him more and more every year.
 
Wherever you are in your walk today, I encourage you to go further. Keep walking. Don't stop learning and especially don't stop believing. Trust that God is who He says He is. He is able to do more than we could ever imagine! (Eph 3) He wants our joy to be full! (John 15:11)
 
Blessing and smiles, from the 14th floor!!!
 
 

 
To GOD be the GLORY for He has done, and is STILL doing GREAT and MIGHTY things!!!
 
AMEN!!!!



Michele
 
 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

 

 

 

Drink More Water!!!

God really does crack me up. He has brought me to tears, both happy ones and sad ones. Today was a day of joyful tears. Like I have so many times, I am just a visual learner and God certainly teaches me and talks to me often through visuals. In recent days I have been praying for affirmations of His will in my life, to make sure I am on the right path. Am I reading what I need to be reading, doing in my day what I need to do and am I receiving what He is giving and am I giving where and how He is asking.

This is a time of study for me. I am preparing to lead a Mother's bible study and yet I have this sense of rest and peace. Shouldn't I be doing more Lord? The answer has been No, rest in me. There are seasons we go through where our service or ministering is something you sign the dotted line for. Other times, in our "off season" we are to rest and minister as we walk through our day, to whom ever God places there, in whatever circumstance we find ourself. Of course, we are never "off" from ministering or serving Him as far as being lazy but resting in Him is an important season. It is work to rest. We can minister one step and need at a time. No Sign Up Sheet needed.

Timely words...somedays when I am really seeking after God, I feel like I am on a treasure hunt of sorts. He will show me something that leads me to another treasure which leads to another and another. All throughout the day, His message strings together into a specific message to me. It may sound weird, it is weird to try to explain it but point is...God speaks sometimes briefly and other times throughout divine moments.

Today, my IPod was downloaded with some of my favorite pastor's and the one I chose happened to be about waiting on God, taking time to rest. When the fishermen were casting their nets, they had to stop to mend their nets. That's where I find myself, mending my net, to be stronger.

Then, the next treasure came once I got home. I was doing a quick vacumm and just as I was finishing, "something" said to get down on my hands and knees on the floor. I really wasn't planning on it, just needed a quick run over, but I felt the need to so I did. When I was down on hands and knees looking under the couch, I noticed the dropped popcorn. Lesson- there are some things that can only be seen when you get down on your knees. Applying this spiritually- we must go where He leads, His plans are not always ours, even when we don't understand, we must trust and obey. There will be things revealed that can only come from being on our knees before God.

Then, I am laughing as I write this...I won't say names to protect the identity of the person. Someone has been struggling with constipation in our house and therefore going to the bathroom has been a little painful. I know, how is this a treasure moment...I am laughing too...don't worry. I told this person that it was important to drink lots and lots of water to make the poop softer, thus making it easier to get out. Well, today, my toddler was helping me make our lunch and he said to me, "Mom, I am going to drink this big water so I can get the big poo-poos out cuz if I drink little water, it won't all come out and it will hurt." I replied, "Yes, we need to be filled with water to get the poop out." You can probably see where I am going with this one. Spiritual Lesson- being filled with the Living Water is what gets rid of our poop, junk inside our hearts, mind, sould and spirit. The more water we drink, the easier it will be and also, more consistant and less painful. When are body (spirit) is dehydrated, things don't work like they should making it more painful of an experience.

It is funny, I know, but the lessons are there. This is what I have asked God for and He has heard my prayers. I want to walk my day out with God and I want to hear Him as I walk, not just at the end of my day. As much as I experience "serious" holy moments with God (prayer time, worship, meditation, stillness), He sure has given me practical (normal, every day examples, teaching moments) holy moments with Him. God can use any thing and any one to speak to us. Just this past Sunday, a question I had been asking God, a dear Sister affirmed the decision I had made, not even knowing I has posed the question to God. His word is always timely and true and they do not come just Sunday mornings through the Pastor.

He uses any circumstance, any hour of the day or night (I have had several beautiful 3am moments), any place through any means-sermons, KSBJ, friends, books, fellowships, over coffee, at the park, making lunch. :) He is talking. Are we listening?

Are you on the look out for the treasures, lessons, opportunities to hear Him today? At home, in the car, at the office, in the gym, at the grocery store, in the carline, in the bathroom.

Drink more Water~ it will help you get the poop out!

" Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The woman said to Him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water." John 4:13-15


 "Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Revelation 7:16-17