Maybe through a pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage?
An unexpected quick ending of life, due to an illness, accident or intentional death?
It's hard to explain how a part of your heart dies too. Personally, I have had 3 miscarriages over the course of my Mommyhood. My first son was born in 1997, born 1 week early, weighing 8lbs 4ozs. Nearly 2 years later, I experienced a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was heartbreaking, of course. Just a few weeks later, I found myself, nervously pregnant again and had the joy to meet another son, born 2 weeks early, weighing in at 8lbs 1oz in 1999. In 2001, I lost yet another pregnancy at 11 weeks as well as another at 13 weeks in 2003. I sure have a LOT of questions for God!!
With fear, insecurity and perfectionism being such a huge part of who I was, my natural default was to blame self...."What did I do wrong?" Was it the day I forgot to take a vitamin, drank a coke, tripped, slept on my back?" Looking for the cause so I could do it right next time...this is insecurity.
After the first miscarriage I certainly learned greater appreciation for the gift of life, not that I didn't appreciate it, I did and it's miraculous. At the same time, I never considered the fact it wasn't a guarantee. You are raised your whole life to "be careful" because this is how it happens....soooo....A + B = C. From that moment on, I never took a positive test for granted, especially one that continued to grow.
Then you begin to wonder, okay why....why give a baby, then the the baby. I valued the humbling lesson of the first one but then, to have it happen 2 more times...why!?!? I know God gives and takes away, I know He has a purpose, I know His plans are not ours and I know we don't always get to know the Why to our Why.
I had people tell me, "Well, it must be a sign from God you are done."
But it wasn't and knew that in my soul. I was meant to Mother more and we began looking in to adoption and fostering but the Lord never confirmed this to us. We were also reminded of all the Spiritual Children God had planned for us through our ministry in Youth and Children over the years along with loving on the friends of our kids and our neighbors.
Insecurity tells you you've done something wrong to have caused this.
Fear tells you you better figure it our and work harder on being a better Womb Host for your babies otherwise you'll keep loosing them till you get better at carrying a baby, being a Mom. Something I had dreamed of all my life and here I was facing the fear I wasn't a good one.
Fear is such a liar!
I finally had to come to a place of surrendering my ability to produce and sustain life. I mean, I am not God, so there's that! The enemy so softly nurtured my fears, taking my eyes off the truth of Who is The Breath of Life, The Maker of all. It wasn't easy to let go and surrender. My Birthing session came before my freedom season. I didn't have a lot of Spiritual Sisters to walk out what should be an exciting season while also this confusing and grieving season because I didn't let any know. The guilt believing the loss was somehow my fault was a heavy and embarrassing burden.
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." I Peter 4:12-13
With each pregnancy after, you can be sure I worked harder and was more and more disciplined to do the absolute best that I could to be healthy for my baby, so that I knew that any loss was not my fault as Satan had tempted me to believe.
I sat in the knowing there was God's part and my part. It wasn't until years into the healing I understood the sovereignty of God and believed my part could never trump His part but that His will would be done on earth as it is in Heaven. He is the sustainer of these babies. There is only so much that we can do and their life is dependent upon the One that holds their sweet baby breath.
Just a few short months later, our sweet Princess was placed in my surrendered but scared womb. You bet, I was nervous, afraid yet desperately hopeful. I acknowledged there was only so much I could do, owning my part and surrendering under His plan but if I am honest, it was a daily process as I white-knuckled every prayer. Until fear is captured and bound within us, we will continue to worry in our worship.
Just a few short months later, our sweet Princess was placed in my surrendered but scared womb. You bet, I was nervous, afraid yet desperately hopeful. I acknowledged there was only so much I could do, owning my part and surrendering under His plan but if I am honest, it was a daily process as I white-knuckled every prayer. Until fear is captured and bound within us, we will continue to worry in our worship.
We were blessed with 2 more babies this side of Heaven. I held my girl in February 2005, 3 weeks earlier than we had planned and soon after was SURPRISED to carry another son weighing in at a grand 10lbs 7ozs, whom we met in December 2006, 1 week LATER than we had expected!! God was funny to say the least but His message was clear!
Two dear friends of mine have recently experienced losses that brought me to this time of remembrance of my own losses. Obviously, each delivery was a time of celebration and joy, a blessing; where as the losses filled my soul with sadness in a time of grief and doubt. In God's sovereignty, I believe He allows us to have a bit of amnesia about the pain involved. We always have that sense of loss in our heart, but the depth of the feelings are minimized through time.
Two dear friends of mine have recently experienced losses that brought me to this time of remembrance of my own losses. Obviously, each delivery was a time of celebration and joy, a blessing; where as the losses filled my soul with sadness in a time of grief and doubt. In God's sovereignty, I believe He allows us to have a bit of amnesia about the pain involved. We always have that sense of loss in our heart, but the depth of the feelings are minimized through time.
When I think back over the miscarriages, I had forgotten about the haunting feelings you go through.
When the Doctor tells you your baby has passed, as much as you want to hold them forever in you and protect them by keeping him with you, you also want them out of you. There's the hope for a miracle you have that also believes, God can revive this baby...what if they are wrong?!
I had to have surgery with each one, and the feeling of waking up, knowing they took out your baby, left an empty feeling. He's gone. It's final. I just had my baby...where's my baby?! It was as if I choose to remove him. These are just complex thoughts running through a grieving, fearful, insecure mind. They certainly were not truths or where my spirit settled. Then I wondered what do I do now.....Also, how do I do better.
My body felt hallow. My mind was confused. My spirit grieved but also knew God had allowed this and I would one day be reunited with my 3 Angel Babies. It was a strange grieving process each time not knowing the why behind the loss, but faith, hope and love always remained. Mercy carried me to each new day. Miscarriage is such a strange loss. How do you grieve it? Should you grieve it when other women have lost their birthed babies and older children...how much harder must that be to have known them and grown them then loose them. My hearts aches for those Mamas even greater. I cannot even comprehend.
My body felt hallow. My mind was confused. My spirit grieved but also knew God had allowed this and I would one day be reunited with my 3 Angel Babies. It was a strange grieving process each time not knowing the why behind the loss, but faith, hope and love always remained. Mercy carried me to each new day. Miscarriage is such a strange loss. How do you grieve it? Should you grieve it when other women have lost their birthed babies and older children...how much harder must that be to have known them and grown them then loose them. My hearts aches for those Mamas even greater. I cannot even comprehend.
Again with the feeling somewhat responsible for the loss, grieving didn't feel appropriate either. It's so strange. Anyhoo...this could literally be an entire book and at this point basically is.
It made me think of the loss God must feel when He looses His children. The grieving and longing for what could have been...not only did He loose His Son, but each one of His children that He created, loves and held, only to loose them forever when they reject Him. I imagine His grieving and sadness must be deeper than any one of us could ever experience. Even when we breath in His Life and we walk away from Him, I cannot imagine not only the rejection He might feel but the heartbreak, deep sorrow. However, what a joy and celebration He must then feel when we are born into Him. When our spirit breathes Life, angels sing a mighty chorus in celebration of our birth!
Father God,
Bless You...my heart is saddened to think of the loss, the emptiness, the depth of despair You must feel each time You loose one of Your children. All eternity separated from those who's spirit was not born again into Life. How You anticipated and longed for their deliverance. I have never before thought that You would be so blessed by my spiritual birth until now. The joy of seeing Your child born again!!! The heartache and pain of those lost. Father God, I thank You that for my babies, our babies lost, we will meet again, they are not lost forever.
It made me think of the loss God must feel when He looses His children. The grieving and longing for what could have been...not only did He loose His Son, but each one of His children that He created, loves and held, only to loose them forever when they reject Him. I imagine His grieving and sadness must be deeper than any one of us could ever experience. Even when we breath in His Life and we walk away from Him, I cannot imagine not only the rejection He might feel but the heartbreak, deep sorrow. However, what a joy and celebration He must then feel when we are born into Him. When our spirit breathes Life, angels sing a mighty chorus in celebration of our birth!
Father God,
Bless You...my heart is saddened to think of the loss, the emptiness, the depth of despair You must feel each time You loose one of Your children. All eternity separated from those who's spirit was not born again into Life. How You anticipated and longed for their deliverance. I have never before thought that You would be so blessed by my spiritual birth until now. The joy of seeing Your child born again!!! The heartache and pain of those lost. Father God, I thank You that for my babies, our babies lost, we will meet again, they are not lost forever.
Father, for those who have forever lost their child, those who didn't choose Life in You, God, comfort their hearts. May Your tears of sadness rain grace over their parents and those who loved them here on Earth.
May our lives be a celebration, even in the midst of suffering and heartaches, may You give us the courage to rejoice through tears. Bind Satan's lies of shame, condemnation with Your binding love.
Thank You Jesus for seasons of pain so we may know Your strength and comfort. Thank You for loss so we understand gain. Thank You for brokenness so we may know Your healing. With each tear, whether joy or grief, God be seen in the reflection. Be our comfort.
God, I praise Your Name. Give Your children a strong sense of Your identity, reveal Yourself in a mighty way so we may stand tall, receiving this great gift of being Your child. Help us to celebrate Life. Help us to receive the privileges of being part of the Royal family. Give courage to those encouragers you have placed in our life to challenge us in truth and love to not turn away from You. Father, Rock, Redeemer, forgive us. Capture us. Protect and Grab ahold of our minds and hearts. Cleanse us.
Use my Life to celebrate You. Forgive me when I doubt You. Grow me to maturity in You. Forgive my immature and selfish thinkings. Capture my thoughts. Cleanse me in Your truth. Lead my way.
Praise You Holy, Loving Abba Daddy, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, There is NONE like You. amen.
Thank you for being so raw and writing this. It is a topic that is usually taboo or not appropriate to discuss. Unless someone has gone through it they can't empathize. God is so good and heals all things.
ReplyDeleteAmen Crystal and thank you for your encouragement!! I pray for more boldness and courage to just be REAL in His name. Healing comes from being honest with self and others..have a blessed and real day!! HUGS!!
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