HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR'S 2010!!!

His Grace is amazing to me, I simply cannot comprehend it. Listen and worship to this song with me for a minute...click here.

New Year's Eve...a time to celebrate the year gone by and the year ahead. A time to make New Year's resolutions (for some). A time to hang out with friends and family, bringing in the new year with laughter and anticipation. Unfortunatley, this was not the case for me last year, New Year's 2009. My body, mind and spirit were absolutely consumed by fear and anxiety. Over the course of the year, God in His sovereignty brought me healing and encouragement through faithful Sisters in Christ who would keep my eyes and heart lifted upwards to my loving Father who in His great mercy and grace transformed my mind and renewed my spirit new every morning!!

I looked ahead and saw only fear, shame, lonliness and isolation. In my human eyes, 2009 would surely come to be the worst year in my life and if I was to be completely honest, I wasn't so sure if I really wanted to walk through 365 days of it. I am so glad for the patience of God and for the extra measure of it He gave me one day at a time as I woke up and tried to find joy again. One day at a time, He was steadfast, merciful, gracious, loving and purposeful. I am thankful for those precious few who covered me in prayer, who ministered to my broken heart (and mind). They were the hands and feet of God, beautiful expressions of God's Love.

Turns out 2009 was probably the richest year of my life...wow! God's plan always prevails and His ways are always perfect! We would never wish a storm to come for ourself or anyone else, however it is only after the storm when the rainbow displays it's beautiful radiance for all to see. I am so glad God brought me this storm for the rainbow of blessings that have followed. Do I pray for another stormy year...no and yes. I pray for pruning and refining in my life, knowing it may hurt sometimes but that is okay because I know God holds me and He will always do what is best to ultimately bring Him glory. Whatever 2010 brings, as long as God is with me, which He is, then I say "In Jesus Name, with God's grace and purpose-Bring it on!"

Are you or someone you know going through a storm as the New Year approaches? I encourage you: Never give up for God has a plan and purpose for you...no, you may not feel it or believe it all the time but you must trust the One who holds your very breath. Emotions and feelings can deceive you, seek truth (God and His Word) and cling to it with all you have. Never let go..He won't ever let go of you!!

With 2010 just hours away, I find myself overwhelmed with Love. In His Love, I have peace, joy, contentment, hope, laughter, and amazing grace. My spirit can't help but want to share it, we're called to share Love with others. Some people are easier to love on than others, but He calls us to Love all, for He came to rescue the broken hearted and the sinners...not the pretty ones, the rich ones, the ones we are most like. God's Love, Jesus Christ, is for ALL!!

Today is a day of praise and worship for me. With a humble and excited spirit I look forward to asking and seeking God's will each and every day, petitioning His blessings not only for me but those around me. That is my New Year's Resolution-deeper trust, greater hope, enduring faith, unmeasuable patience and acceptance of His unconditional Love.

HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEARS 2010 to you and yours!! You are safe in His arms. (Click here for this beautiful song and video.)

God Bless you, Michele

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~PART II

SHOULD I PRAY?? WILL YOU PRAY FOR ME??

Prayer...can He hear me? Am I "good enough" to be heard? Yes, He can hear you!! Never again will I discount the efforts of prayer of just one. I have questioned whether my single prayer would make a difference, Who am I to be praying for them? I know better than that and it has been one of Satan's lies that has had to be replaced with truth-our prayers are important, they are heard, crystal clear and with whole-hearted passion.

Sure, there are times of corporate prayer where we should gather and have multitudes to pray over us, but even just the prayer of one is mighty and powerful. There is no difference in one vs. a hundred when it comes to how God hears and answers our prayers. The way we pray, and how many pray are as individual as our spirits are from one another. It may be that through the gathering of many, another's faith will be tested or affirmed. Only God knows how far reaching the testimony can go. And yet, it may be one on one with someone who cares for you, loves you and lifts you up..God's full attention is there too. He doesn't hear you any less in your small corner of the world. One on one or one and a hundred...and this is for each one of us who call His name! Can you comprehend this??? I cannot. Wow...an amazing God amazes me continually. The more I get to know Him, I become more and more awe-struck and amazed I become.

When we interceed for another, the Holy Spirit is also with us and what greater power is there than He? God hears the cries and moans of one as loudly and clearly as the thousands. What I love about prayer is that it can be done anywhere, by anyone of any age, with any number of people. I have prayed among hundreds, tens, one on one and alone. Half the time I have been asked to pray for a need and the other half, it is the prompting of the Holy Spirit that alerts my spirit. I love when that happens! Of course, it is an absolute honor to be asked to be a prayer warrior for another but I love it when the Holy Spirit just surprises you and says "Let's pray!" Well, I say I love it...but really, I love the privilege of it and ministry of it, knowing God has included me in something bigger than me...but sometimes you don't know if your are covering an bad suation or covering a good one, so I pray God's will be done on earth as it is in Heaven followed with whatever He guides....hoping for blessings of course!

For me, there is no greater joy than to pray for another because I know that the Holy Spirit is joining me and we are talking directly to the mighty One who saves, heal, restores and loves unconditionally. We are asking favor for a life-change in someone's life...we will never know the widespread affect it can have for blessings may reach generations deep. Even in my own life, I won't fully know how this past year's journey with the Lord will impact those I minister to in my family and those He crosses my path with, then and now.

Whether it is praying for help or praying for blessing in the life of another, your heart's voice is heard. There is power available to us and how we need to be reminded of it and access it. We are called to love one another, encourage one another, building each other up...imagine if each of us really did?!?! Wow!

At The End of the Day

One of my favorite things to hear from my children is "Mommy, I Love You." And the second is "Mommy, will you hold me?" With the Christmas holidays over and new toys littering every room in the house, we have played together more in the past 2 days as a family than all month combined! Joy is in the air as we celebrate God's sweet Gift of His Son Jesus. Sure, we have enjoyed the gift exchanges and playing with new things. An amazingly hilarious game of Uno had us rolling tonight!!
This holday season between Thanksgiving and Christmas, our family has made a conscious effort to keep our focus on Christ and not on ourselves. With the pressures of media temptations and peer pressures of endulging self, it hasn't been easy to keep Jesus in the big picture, but I feel we have done pretty good, much to the frustration of the kids who can't understand why they still can't have as they wish, as their friends do. A simple reminder of their Birth Date and who's Birth Date we are celebrating this week, and we are kinda re-focused. Oh, the war between heart and mind...giving and receiving...we live in such a Gimme, Gimme, Gimme time.
Playing all day, trying out new toys, waering new clothes and eating lots and lots of sugary delights have made for some fun memories and it has been fun and meaningful. But, at the end of the day, my most precious moment is when my child says, "Mommy, will you hold me?" I have many reasons why I could say No...I have things to do to shut down the house for the night, dog needs to be let out, emails checked, lights turned off, rooms picked up, dishes sorted, I need to get ready for bed, and on and on...but my heart is touched and I say Yes. How precious to be held close by one you love and who loves you.
For me as a Mom, after a full day of 4 kids which begins very early, I am ready for alone time but there is something refreshing about that little bit of cuddle time with one of them. We may read a book, talk, sing, dance, rock in the chair (for those under 5yrs old!)and we always pray. My heart melts, it is warmed. And it's like our hearts melt together as we cuddle. And then I wonder about God, and how He must treasure when we cuddle up to Him, setting aside all the distractions around us, and rest in His arms, His warm embrace. To be still and be held...to be accepted and loved. He is never too busy or too tired to hold me. Praise Him!!
After a full day of dancing, playing, praising, enjoying life, maybe even making some mistakes, how it must warm our Heavenly Father's heart to embrace His children at the end of the day. To stop and be still and rest. As I hold my child, I fill with joy, love and thanksgiving-my cup overflows. I gaze down in their sweet face and see joy, love and thanksgiving as they are embraced by me. We are both blessed.
I pray that as much as I can comprehend what love is by the love I experience with my own child, that the Lord would be blessed by my worship-not only during the times I dance, sing, act or serve on His behalf, but when I come to rest in worship, laying my head at His chest, feeling His peacful and warm embrace, that He would receive my love for Him and that I too, would accept and embrace His love for me, at the end of the day..."Father, I love You...Abba Daddy God, will you hold me?"

Thank You Lord that now matter what kind of day I have, whether full of joy or pain, busyness or laziness, that You are with me every step of the way. I thank You for accepting me on my good days and my bad days. There is nothing more special to me than resting in You at the end of my day. Lord, help me to love others around me like You do, give me Your eyes to see what You see. Help me encourage those who need it. Help me love those who seem unloveable.
Thank You Father for the Gift of Your Son in my life. I want to fully embrace Your love for me. Fill my cup overflowing so that those whom You bring into my life may see You and come to know You. Bind Satan from stealing my peace and my joy, my assurance and my strength, my security in You so that I may endure each new day's temptations and trials. Father, thank You for holding me and sometimes even carrying me along the path of life. My hearts melts with Yours as I rest in You. Thank You for receiving my love and for loving me as You do. Amen.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! Recently Where do I even begin?!? This blog is the first stone of what I pray is many more living stones to come.
God has given me a few opportunities to share with others-you may be one of them-what the Lord has done for me in 2009. The blog was created as a venue to share my testimony with more of you. All the while I thought I was odd man out only to find out I am not the only one with issues. Truthfully, I really don't even want to share the fact I have issues, much less share the issues! However, there is such a freedom in bringing darkness into the Light, because a spark can start a roaring fire and this is my prayer. That might little spark in my little world will help spread His Light.
WARNING: This blog is not full of doctrinal insights or deep theology. I certainly don't have a degree in Bible knowledge or am Queen of "knowing it all," far from it!! As you read, you will learn more about me and where I have walked. This is simply my journaling of my experiences, through my imperfect eyes-as I walk with my God. I may not ever fully get what it is that He wants me to get but I pray daily asking Him to show me and teach me, guiding my steps for that day. It is my heart's desire that as you read this blog that it will not be about my "issues" of anxiety, panic, fear, insecurity, insignificance but that through these hindrances and weakness which I have dealt with that you will see God's grace, mercy, compassion, and LOVE! 
No matter where you are in your life, where you have been, what you have been through, the bad things that have been done to you, you are where you are because God has allowed it...it's your life and no one elses is like it. God has a specific plan and purpose for you and each day He is near. One thing I have learned hard, is how Great is Our God and He is greater than he who is in the world!!! Absolute Truth! Even if you are not a Believer in Jesus Christ or maybe you have distanced yourself for whatever reason, do you know He is still there directing your way? You cannot run away from God or hide from Him for He even hears your very thoughts. He wants you to return to Him and be in His fellowship, under His protection so that He can give you His best blessings. He ordained your due date here on earth and He has ordained your due date before Him. He stands patiently waiting for your return to Him. Won't you go?!
We all have a story to share. If your heart is pitter-pattering and your lungs fill with each breath, then you are living in this life (dah! simple truth we need to be reminded of); you are traveling on a journey, you are on a path, you are constantly making choices (good and bad) which affect where you are going. Not every decision we make will always be the right one or most beneficial for us, but God is gracious and His mercies are new every morning. There is no way to change where you have already been which resulted from the decisions you have already made, but you can choose today where you will go and how you will get there.
Accepting He Loves you completely, unconditionally- just the way you are and trusting His Love and acceptance of you is how you get to where He wants you to go. Walking in hope- through faith- in believing.
As you read my testimony, I encourage you to think about your testimony...who you are, spiritually, emotionally and physically. You have a purpose too. Please consider how God is using you, in your circumstances to reveal Himself not only to you but those in your family, those around you, in each divine encounter, every single day. Your spark can start a fire! How grateful I am for the precious warrior women God sent to intercede on my behalf when I had no strength, no hope, no perseverance.    Thank God for faithful ones, warrior ones! How I pray this blog will provide encouragement for you as I seek to stack my living stones, one entry at a time, one coal into the Fire Bowl at a time!
Let's get started!! Hugs and Blessings for stopping by!

Father God, use this blog, use my life, my testimony to bring others closer to You. May Your truths and Your unconditional Love be revealed despite my humanness. God, You are bigger than words. You are life itself. Father, thank You for Loving me and accepting me...help me to Love You more, receive Your Love and acceptance of who I am in You. God I am nothing without You. In You alone, I know there is healing, hope, joy and peace. Even in the worst of times, You are faithful in Love. You are unmovable and I trust You when my world seems unsteady. In Jesus Name, I ask for more of You in my life and for all who seek You. Bind Satan from blinding and deafening us, from all distractions. Thank You God. Amen!

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today my life radically changed. As much as it took a turn for the worse, it was also God's design for my best. One year ago today, God allowed me to begin a process in my life of pain to praise. It was extremely painful, frightening, lonely, frustrating, desperate and fearful.

As I look back over this past year, I am amazed at what God has done for me. Never before have I been more in love with my Jesus, my Lord and my Father, my Rock and Redeemer. I have known about Him, learned about Him and studied Him since the very beginning of my life being raised in church by my parents. I acknowledged the Gift He gave to me on Calvery, I accepted His Gift and His Friendship. But for the most part, God and I had a working relationship. Oh, I loved Him, don't get me wrong, and I knew He loved me...enough to die for me. He was the One I went to when I needed something, or if I was interceeding for someone else's needs. Our relationship wasn't intimate as some would describe. I acknowledge His incredible gift and sacrifice for me, and yet I didn't personally feel connected to Him. People described Him as Alive, and I knew in Biblical terms He has risen from the dead, therefore He is alive, but I couldn't have said He was alive in me. I didn't hear Him or feel Him. I simply went to Him, believing and trusting He heard me. Also believing that I needed to watch myself because He disciplined those who didn't serve Him well. Satan ran with that one. Inadequacy

It wasn't until this year's journey that the Lord showed me one layer at a time Who He was, Who He desired to be to me, that He did not want or need me to be His partner. God showed me that He wants to be my EVERYTHING!!!...My Provider when I have a need. My Counselor when I don't know what to do. My Rock, My Strength when I am weak. My Courage when I am fearful. My Joy when I am full of sorrow and pain. My Forgiveness when I am angry. My Peace when I am shaken and anxious. My Hope when I am devestated or lonely. My Father when I need assurance and direction. My Rock when I am uncertain and scared. My Healer when my body, mind and spirit are plagued. My Eyes and Ears when I am blind and deaf towards Him. My Redeemer when I fail. My Judge and My Comfort when I have been wronged. My Truth when I am being deceived. He wants my heart to belong completely to Him, trusting He is Who He says He is, trusting that He will be my Strength in my weakness; He accepts me and forgives me completely!

This process of acceptance has been a long one and I am still working on it. As someone with the gift of Encouragement, it's easy for me to give grace to others, accept others in their good and their bad, but for me to accept me, to accept grace for me, to accept help, encouragement, love and gifts from others...not easy. Most of my life has been lived in a One Way Street, flowing outwardly. This is where God has me now.

It has taken this past year to free me from the bondage of fear, now to move on in the refining process of sanctification, I am learning and growing more and more in the Love of God's grace and Love.

A year ago today, my life was good...busy, homeschooling the older boys, in the midst of the holiday and birthday seasons, family was good, friends were good, typical, average, stay at home Mom life...nothing to complain about....except that I sure felt busy, I had little time for me and in that there was no time for God but I had wished there was. My only option was to get up earlier in the morning and I just couldn't imagine doing that when I was already prying myself out of bed as it was! One day, I thought, I will have more time for God, studying His Word, serving Him, praying.

I am so thankful God heard my thoughts and He loved me enough to call me out! No more waiting-He must have figured I was ready-NOW was a good time to meet Him face to face! And boy did I!

Milestones: although each day was a beautiful milestone and God revealed Himself to me each new day, there were big dates I will forever remember...

December 6, 2008 was the day my life will forever be marked by change-the day of desperation. A few weeks later, I didn't think I could live this new life I had been given for it was full of fear.

January 1, 2009 looking ahead to a New Year, my year looked dismal. I was frightened and angry.

April 4, 2009 after walking through the process of healing for 4 months, felt purpose and healthy, victorious as I celebrated my Birthday with thanksgiving and joy, with a hope for my future, believing and trusting God had a plan and purpose for this journey He had me on.

June 2009 first step in a plane, confirming chains were broken, the chains of fear were being broken! AMEN!

November 14, 2009 stepped onto a "real" plane for the first time in a year. AMEN! He loudly proclaimed His grace was enough...even for Me-Michele! AMEN AMEN!! Goliath was down!

November 21, 2009 Goliath was beheaded, the bondage of fear had been replaced with courage.

Today, December 6, 2009 I reflect back with a grateful heart to my God Who loved me enough to allow me to hurt a little, a lot actually, so that He could bless me a lot! I am grateful for His patience in waiting for me to seek Him to be more than just my Helper and Partner in life-but desiring Him as my Daily Bread, my Life Giver and Sustainer- to be my All in All. Giving thanks to the Sisters in my life who were His hands and feet, holding me up when I was weak, stood in the gap, who anointed and prayed over me and for me faithfully over the past year. Thankful for a husband who stayed by my side, learning as I learned one step at a time, encouraging me to keep moving forward. And for the gift of my children who kept me plenty distracted, in a good way, and for making me laugh, sharing warm embraces and seeing me with loving, adoring eyes despite what I felt inside.

If you know Him and yet are not feeling Him working and moving in your heart, your spirit, I would encourage you to open God's living word and study. I was never a reader growing up but the living word is vibrant, life changing, vivid, action packed, encouraging, full of wisdom and love, written by the One Who love you more than life-He gave His One and Only Son's life for yours! He loves you sooo much and He wants to be your EVERYTHING!!! Won't you let Him? Do NOT WAIT another day, for you only have today, tomorrow is not guaranteed! Mark TODAY as the first day of your 180 with God! Seek Him, Hear Him, Feel Him, Trust Him with your heart. Accept His Love.

John 3:16 & I Thess 5:16-18

God Bless You!!! Michele

Silly moments in Honduras 2009

Family lunch silliness video. Kids love stare contests and Corey has his own little parties!!!

Flight & Fight Week

For nearly a year, I had stressed and feared flying on a plane again. Having the panic attack on that plane caused me such fear to fly again. It had become my Goliath. I swore I would never fly again. The degree of fear certainly had decreased each passing month as I handed the anxiety over to God and trust Him to provide the very breath I needed but it remained a threat of bondage to me that I knew had to be broken. It was time.
Our family typically takes one big travel vacation for the week but this year, plans were on hold because of the trials I was facing with my fear that flying would trigger in me. April was a huge turning point but I admit that I still feared the plane...would I ever get back on one? Would we ever travel as we always had? Will I continue to allow this to be bondage for me? Would I allow this to keep me from going where God called me? With praise and thanksgiving and determination...perserverance- I said NO!! I will not be bound.
My husband and I decided to take down this Goliath who continued to taunt me. We had hoped to keep the planned a trip out of the country for Thanksgiving, a 2.5 hr flight we had taken many times. Every day I prayed over this upcoming flight. Then I thought, you know, a test flight would be good. The shortest and cheapest thing I could do was a round trip to Austin. So, the hubby and I had a Date!
I had it all planned out-good diet, healthy lifestyle, extra bible study time, anointing oils and lots of prayers. I had my Holy To Do List in preparation of the big-little flight. That was MY plan...notice the list of my works. Unfortunately but fortunately, the flu swept over my two big boys and then me! Needless to say, I didn't feel like eating anything, much less a salad, fever kept me from the gym and fatigue and headaches kept me from the study and prep time I was counting on to get me through this upcoming war with Goliath. I became a little anxious in my inability to start my flight against Goliath by way of preparation. Here was the next big...huge step to getting myself prepared for the biggest test of my life and I could do nothing!! I tried to read and study, but I absolutely couldn't, I had nothing in me.
I pleaded with God Why...don't You want me to do all of this so I can be successful? What am I doing wrong here? This is when He spoke to me. That still small voice I knew was now a clear directive voice.
It was through these moments He laid a foundation for me to learn "surrender." I never really understood the depth of surrender, being at the complete end of self until this season of having no other option but to surrender. Here I lay sick in bed with nothing to give, being forced into surrender. I trust He knew my heart, my desire to do right and earn my weight of protection and provision but is not the economy of God. I would come to learn trust and grace through surrender. So often I think He forces us into the places we have no access to self, to show us He is all we need, and He is able. He helps us in these moments to see He is more than we can imagine. Trusting His grace was enough and understanding the power was not in myself, but Him. I got it. I got surrender. When you stop acting, doing and you lay bare, you have nothing, there you have surrender.
Friday came and I began to feel better, focus and energy returned. I had a good Bible study and a meaningful prayer time finally. Saturday morning of the test flight to Austin, I woke up feeling great! I was sooo glad, admittedly though I was nervous that I would not be successful because I felt I hadn't done what I thought needed to be done in order to have victory. My thoughts went to trying to figure out what I would do when I was being defeated. I honestly didn't think it was going to go well and yet, I sure had hoped my little bit would be enough.
Today is THE day...I was going to get up early and had planned to double up on missed Bible studies...earning my right to receive His grace and peace. (And...another lesson to be learned here.) As I rolled out of bed, I felt the prompting to lay back down. What?? No way!! I am NOT going to miss today's Bible study of all days. Are you kidding me?!?! Today is crucial I make up for lost time. I sat up again and once again I felt God saying lay back down. So I relunctantly did. I was completely baffled as to why He wouldn't want me to get up and study, showing my worthiness. I laid still and prayed, not understanding why I was laying there, kind of mad if I am honest because what could possibly be accomplished by laying back down and praying, and praying for what at that point?!? Was it me wanting to be lazy, was it Satan wanting me to stay in bed another day or was it really God? It was sooooo hard for me to lay there and not get up to take action. I have since learned more about the powerful weapon of prayer, and this was the season I was learning it. I prayed more, over the day, over me, over my husband over the fear all the while wanting to get out of that bed and do something off my list!
As my anxiety and nervousness rose, I began in the pleading of help to rescue me from the defeat I assumed was to be mine when I faced Goliath unprepared and ill-equipped. He gently reminded me about surrender. Taking deeper breaths, I laid there in an attempt to settle down and hand it all over to Him as He has been revealing to me all week prior to this morning. I prayed, confessing my works based faith and the trust I was actually placing in myself instead of Him. All week I had planned on earning and making myself a success against taking down Goliath. God stepped in and basically rescued me from myself while taking away any bragging rights I may have had. I would have nothing to show for my part other than faith by surrender. All the power and victory would be because of His doing. Not mine.
I couldn't get out of bed. I laid silent, listening for more, waiting for the release to go and do. Minutes later, I asked again, why it was that He still had me there, what else am I to hear or get or say. Meanwhile, He could hear all the other stuff in my head of defeat, fear of what was an obvious loss, wondering how I would handle the upcoming flight unprepared, fearing if this whole flying life would never really happen. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, conceding to the moment. And He answered.  " I won't drop you."
That's it...I was speechless...it was not the profound statement you would imagine God to say but He knew my inner thoughts. He knows my deepest fears and He addressed them. I knew exactly what He meant and I had great comfort and peace because of it...it was His word to me. It was God loving me, accepting me, forgiving me and promising to not forsake me...He won't drop me. This is why I was to remain in bed. I would not have been listening for Him if I was busy studying and working out, I wouldn't have sat still long enough knowing I had so much to do to have heard Him.
All that time, God was teaching me...waiting for me to surrender...then to be still...then to listen...then to accept His word and trust it.
I got up out of bed, got the kids to school, had a sweet prayer time that morning and danced in worship. I was ready for the flight, feeling encouraged, covered and equipped with truth and Grace. Off to the airport we went! Peace filled me and fear fled. Yes, I was nervous but not consumed. My husband was a rock to me too. This was a different journey for Him watching His wife navigate this season of fear and faith.
Our little flight was awesome! We enjoyed a few hours of layover time to have lunch with our daily who lives there and we returned back home before the kids got out of school! His grace WAS enough-He didn't drop me!
Next step was the 2.5 hr flight one week away. What joy to be free from the bondage of fear. I say with confidence it has no hold over me-PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY!! It was nothing of me but all of Him-my Rock and Refuge, my Strength and Sustainer! I simply let it all go and made the choice to surrender to Him my fear, my anxiety and place complete trust in Him, by faith alone. It has been baby steps of trust and faith throughout the entire year. I say that in April I was free, but I still feared the plane...I was just in the process, one step, a big step closer to freedom!
I am sooooo human...you would think I would never, ever, ever, fear or doubt again and yet I found myself still anxious about the big flight.
Temptation to work my list the next week was there, but I stayed focused on surrender and trust. I was encouraged by my mentor to write a letter of thanksgiving to God recalling the many times He has provided. It brought tears to my eyes when I recounted the many times He has heard my cries for help and met me with His comforting arms. How He has carried me along lonely paths, never leaving my side. The fact that He has stood by my side despite my failings, accepting me just as I was in that moment, brought me adoration for the sweet and gracious God I love and serve.
I choose to live out the coming week in an attitude of thanksgiving, peace and joy in complete surrender knowing and trusting He will provide just the right portion of just what I need just when I needed it. I will continue, by faith and Grace to conquer Goliath in his many schemes and taunts against me. I am getting lots of practice to learn about Grace, hope, faith, trust, patience, acceptance. Our faith is not about our worthiness, or our ability to perform or work. Faith is about Grace. My God is awesome and it is Christ alone any of us can have victory, not of ourselves, lest any one boast! I eagerly await every next flight, arming myself with His armor through my surrender and obedience, covered and led by Grace! He is everything and all in all. Rest in His care. He won't drop you!

My heart's prayer tonight~
"God, you are more than enough for me. Your portions of what we need whether it be grace, love, peace, joy, assurance or be it discipline are always enough for me. Your ways are perfect, help me to simply trust Your timing, Your ways so that You may be glorified, not of myself for I am nothing without you. Lord, may You allow me the honor and blessing to share this with others who need encouragement in their life, what they are facing. I may be able to hide my inner thoughts from those around me and even from my own self, but You are in my deepest thoughts. You can see what no other can. Only You can reach in and pull out the gunk within, transforming it into something fruitful.
God I pray You would continue to mold me into what it is You created me for. I believe I am here for a purpose so I ask and submit to the plan You have for me whatever it is, mold me. Move me out of the way, help me to continue to trust You. When tempting thoughts of fear and doubt approach would You bind them and cast them as far as the east is from the west.
For those who are hurting or facing difficult circumstances, would You step into their heart, souls and minds, reveal Yourself to them, drawing them closer to Your cup of grace and love. Cleanse them and purify them so that with You Lord, they would become more than they could ever be on their own. Show them the power of prayer and surrender. Teach them Grace.
For those who are lost and don't know you, God, remove their blindness, open their hearts and minds to You, Your truth. May they see Your Light through each of us who belong to You. The smallest flicker of the smallest light can penetrate darkness, illuminating the Light. If not I, then someone, something, Lord awaken their spirits, bring them out of the darkness, bring them back to You as you died for each one of them just as You died for me. Guide us in our circle of influences, teach us how to encourage, how to love, how to forgive the people in our lives who have hurt us and intercede for those who live in darkness. Give us a renewed passion to pray for them and love them just as You have shown Your great love for us.
In Your Son's redeeming and sweet name I pray, I seek and I knock at Your Heavenly door. I love you Father God, my awesome Rock, The Living Truth, my perfect Portion, amen!!"

Mighty Prayer

Sharing a prayer I found a few weeks ago. Reading through it again today~

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray this prayer in the power of the Holy Spirit. In the name of Jesus Christ Your one and only Son who died and rose again for remission of sin, I bind, rebuke and render powerless: all division, discord, disunity, strife, wrath, murder, criticism, condemnation, pride, envy, jealously, gossip, slander, evil speaking, complaining, lying, false teaching, false gifts, false manifestations, lying signs and wonders, poverty, fear of lack, fear of spirits, deceiving spirits, religious spirits, hindering spirits, retaliatory spirits, occult spirits, witchcraft spirits, spirits of antichrist and all familiar and territorial spirits.
I bind all curses that have been spoken against me. I bless those who curse me, and pray blessings on those who despitefully use me. I bind all spoken judgments made against me, and judgments I have made against others. I bind the power of negative words from others, and I bind and render useless all prayers not inspired by the Holy Spirit; whether psychic, soul force, witchcraft, or counterfeit tongues that have been prayed against me.
I am God's child. I resist the devil and declare that No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I put on the whole armour of God (my loins girt about with truth; and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and my feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; taking the shield of faith, with which I shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked; the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching with all perseverance and supplication for all saints) and declare it is an armour of light. I take authority over this day, Let it be prosperous for me Lord and let me walk in your love.
The Holy Spirit leads and guides me today and fills me with all needed gifting and graces. I discern between the righteous and the wicked and I take authority over Satan and all his demons and those people who are influenced by them. I declare Satan is under my feet and shall remain there all day.
I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I am God's property. Satan, you are bound from my family, my mind, my body, my home, and my finances. I confess that I am healed and whole. I flourish, am long lived, stable, durable, incorruptible, fruitful, virtuous, full of peace, patience and love. Whatsoever I set my hands to do shall prosper for God supplies all my needs.
God, I pray for the ministry You have for me. Anoint me God for all you have called me to do for You. I call forth divine appointments, open doors of opportunity, God ordained encounters and ministry positions.
I claim a hedge of protection, by the Precious Blood of Jesus, around myself and my loved ones throughout this day and night. I ask You God, in the name of Jesus, to send angels to surround us today and everyday, and to put them throughout my house and around our cars, souls, bodies, wills and emotions. I call on Your holy angels to protect my house from any intrusion and to protect me and my family and those I've named from any harmful demonic or other physical or mental attacks. I ask all of this in the name of Jesus.
"God indeed is my savior; I am confident and unafraid. My strength and my courage is the Lord, and He has been my Savior" (Isaiah 12:2 NAB)

Your Grace IS Enough for Me!!!

WHY? WHY? WHY??? Why do I doubt You Lord? You are so Mighty to Save and yet I find myself putting You right back into this little box I have created. Within my own human limitations I make the attempt to understand an Infinite God - His Ways, His purposes and it just doesn't compute.
After almost a year of living within the confines I allowed fear to determine, I broke through the barrier and "took off." Literally!! 11 Months of "What if I have a panic attack on a plane again" has kept me off of the plane....until NOW!!
It has been an amazing journey of trials, suffering, pain, heartache, struggle, faith, strength, courage, hope, peace and growth. So much good and so much bad only to receive God's very best!! I could list hundreds of things that God has shown me over the course of the last year with Him. Each month He seemed to reveal a little something about myself and a little about Him. One graceful step at a time, God has walked with me giving me just enough grace for that moment, nothing more and nothing less than exactly what I needed when I needed it! Isn't He good? He is a Good God. He is a Gracious God. He is a Loving Father. You cannot fight this on your own...you need something bigger...someone bigger...and that can only be Jesus. No other name in Heaven or on Earth has the power to save. redeem or restore or heal.
I am looking forward to sharing more about this past week leading up to the flight...or battle with Goliath. If you are one who struggles with panic, anxiety, depression, let me encourage you to position yourself before God. If you are overwhelmed or weak, call on a Brother or Sister in the family of God who will commit to pray for you and over you. Prayer is our direct line to Him and HE HEARS YOUR CRIES FOR HELP! We need each other!! Don't allow pride to get in the way of your healing. Seek out another who will accept you and walk this broken path with you. He/She will also be accountability for you as you start the process of healing...when you begin to fear, you let them know and they will be that objective and support, encouraging shoulder to lean on. They can speak truth in your deceptive thoughts. If you are blessed, they will even stop and pray for you!
If you are in a place you'd rather talk to a professional counselor, then do it! There is nothing wrong with talking to a counselor. It is extremely important that you make a good choice on who you receive counsel from (friend or professional). Being a Believer, I want counsel that falls in line with my belief system. For me, I want someone to show me how I can talk to God about my problem. I want tools and resources that will not separate my thoughts from Him onto what I can do for myself, rather focus on how to lay my thoughts down before Him and align them with His thoughts.
All the fretting, all the fear, al the "what if's" and IT WAS ALL GOOD. His GRACE WAS ENOUGH FOR ME!! I had immeasurable peace...wow! I still sit back and think Wow!! Wow...for me...God did immeasurably more than I could have ever thought or imagined...and I have quite the imagination I tell ya!!! (Read this: Ephesians 3:20-21) This song was my victory song...my song or remembrance and promise Saturday...for me...God is ENOUGH! Click here for the song from YouTube.

Here is the short film from the flight day! (The row of ladies behind our seat leaned forward and asked us if we happened to be Newlyweds because we were taking so many pics and video of ourselves..and there may have been a few little kisses :0 every now and then! What a shock to discover we are approaching our 17th Wedding Anniversary and waiting for us back home were FOUR children ages 12-2!!!!! Funny reaction needless to say! I was able to share a brief testimony and they cheered me on!)

My Before & After

Wow- just went over the last post-God must have had my fingers typing cuz I cannot believe what is written...but I will not delete it since it already has hit some of your emails as a follower and it is my prayer that God would give me courage to be an instrument of healing for another-so if it means putting myself out there, then so be it.
Wednesdays have become a day of reflection for me over the past year as I have committed to taking this time each week to evaluate where I am mentally and spiritually, kinda checking in with myself if you will...and ask God to show me areas that I need to work on. I never really did that before. I think most often we stop and try to figure things out once we have hit the wall in our life and we are freaking out!! My plan is to be pro-active, not re-active!!!!
During a recent bible study, our facilitator asked us, "If you were to take a Before and After picture of yourself, how have you changed?" Comparing it to before and after our salvation and even recently, a month ago, 6 months ago to now. What about you? How have you changed over the past 6 months? A year? 5 years? 10 years? It's amazing when you think about it from all aspects of physically, mentally and spiritually. I encourage you to take a few minutes and consider your Before and After snapshots...
For me, this is what I see...I am still me but there are things about me that are drastically different but I don't know that anyone would really noticed. Kinda like when you spend a whole day wiping down baseboards and cabinets and your husband comes home and says, "What have you done all day, the house is a mess!" Watch it buddy!!! It would be interesting to ask a family member or friend their opinion of how you are different, although I think so much often changes inside our head and heart. No one can see that except God, but if our heart and mind change, won't also our actions, deeds, etc? I think it does.
I would like to explore this with you, here are my notes...might be boring, so you can just Sign Out now :)
In the past year, how I am different, what I am and am not doing that I did a year ago...

Physically-
*I have lost 15 lbs-mostly due to all the stress I went through in December/January.
*Now, I am back in the gym-cardiologist said I was in poor cardio condition and needed to work out 4-5 times a week...I make it about 2-3 times, on a good week!
*Now, I hold my head high when I walk into a room vs. looking down b/c of nerves. Sounds funny, but it's big!
*Before, I used the children's nap time to work. Now, I taking advantage of the quiet time for myself to have peace and quiet, to study, read my devotionals.
*I would live on coffee and Dr Pepper before. Now, I limit my caffeine and sugar intake.
*I ate okay before, but I have incorporated even more salads into my diet.
*I use essential oils for aromatherapy, anointing and healing/health more than I did last year. (www.youngliving.org/1003168)
*I take vitamins and magnesium every day along with a beta blocker for my S.V.T.

Mentally- WORK IN PROGRESS HERE!!
*I didn't know what a panic attack was a year ago....I do now!
*I am still a bit of a worrier but am consciously working not to be.
*I am still afraid of flying, elevators, bridges, heights, but I am consciously working not to be.
*I still don't think of myself as a courageous woman, but I am asking God to help me- to be brave enough to step out on faith which is courage.
*I still feel inadequate in many areas of my life, but I am asking God to use the little of what I am and multiply it for His purposes.
*Before, when I was angry, I allowed the adrenaline to shut me down and swell inside me. Now, I am learning to speak up for self which is healthier for my body and mind.
*I could not get myself out of bed 15-30 minutes earlier to have Quiet Time with God, now I get up an hour early to have coffee with my God and I sometimes even get up before the alarm in anticipation :)

Spiritually-
*I loved the Lord before and I love Him with great passion now!
*I am in His Word daily, regardless of my schedule or how I feel. Before, I justified a lot of why I didn't have time for Him, knowing He would completely understand my exhaustion from the busy day!
*Before, if someone asked for prayer, I always said I would later and I did. Now, (if God prompts) I will ask them if I can pray right then for them.
*I have had the honor to lay hands on 3 sweet friends in prayer for healing in recent months.
*A year ago, I would never had dreamed of allowing my hands to lift in worship publically, it was always done in private worship. Now, I can't stop the rise of my hands in praise of my awesome God-public or private worship!
*I knew God loved me before, now I desire to live like He loves me.
*Before, my relationship with the Lord was one way-me always asking or petitioning Him for help on my behalf and/or others. It was a practical relationship. Now, I am learning to rest my soul before Him and listen. I am learning to hear Him more. I'm learning to receive Him.
*My time with the Lord was me loving Him, now, I am learning to accept His love and act in it.

I could spend hours thinking about every detail that is different in my life in just the past year. I am thankful that God is patient, forgiving and accepting. I am so glad that we change and He DOESN'T!! If you were someone looking from the outside in to my life, I am not sure what difference you would notice...if we traveled together, you would notice I drink more water than before and I get up early to meet God for coffee early in the morning! :) If we worshiped together, you would see my hands lifted in heart-felt praise. If you shared with me what is happening in your life, I am likely to pray for you right then and there. If you watched my parenting style, you might see a more heightened focus on teaching them specifics of God's character-and a constant reminder He has a specific plan and purpose for their life that no one else can fill.

These are subtle differences, hardly anything drastic or extreme. I am still just me but with a deeper, passionate, desperate love for the Lord, my Father and Redeemer, my Rock, my Savior! One day, I hope to be courageous enough to share my faith, my testimony, taking off the self-made mask and boldly share with anyone God tells me to, I pray He will continue to equip me to be an instrument for Him, I hope to fly without fear, skip over bridges, step to height's edge, I want to reflect Christ, I want to know Him more...I even want to ride some roller coasters now! Now, that is extreme!! (I can hear you already Honey...I know- you about fell off your chair when you read that BUT-baby steps...I will start with the Ropes Courses first-that's a big step!)

Friend, I pray that you take some time to look inside yourself, behind your mask. No one can change you but you. Your bad habits, your schedule-it is all a result of choices you alone have made therefore, you are the only one that can make the changes. There is a lot to be said about taking inventory, where are you know, where have you been and where are you going-physically, mentally and spiritually. If you have hit a plateau in any area of your life, see what has fallen stale and make changes to refresh and awaken. Ask God, He'll show you where He is patiently waiting for you to move forward. Your impact doesn't affect yourself alone, we affect all those around us. If you ask God, "Do you want more of me. What do you think He will say?"

God Bless you on the journey God is taking YOU through!! Let go and let God one day at a time!

Lord, have mercy!!

Portion from my Daily Devotional today:

For God is, indeed, a wonderful Father who longs to pour out His mercy upon us, and whose majesty is so great that He can transform us from deep within. -Teresa of Avila

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

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Pour...God longs to pour out His mercies...WOW! For ME? YES-and for YOU? YES!

Renew...will God really renew my spirit? Even in all the mess I have made, the mistakes I have made, the poor choices I have made, in the ways I grieved Him, in sorrow and trouble, in my inadequacies - He will still bless me and renew me?? The answer is YES!

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 116:1-9

I wonder what it was the Psalmest was going through in his life to have written this psalm. Was there a physical illness he suffered where he felt the "cords of death entangled me." Maybe it was psychological as he says " I was overcome by trouble and sorrow" and later calms his body, mind and spirit in the last half...

As someone who has suffered the incredibly frightful terror of panic attacks, I think he may have been experiencing one here. Panic attacks are scarey-bottom line. Men and women who have suffered them often find themselves in the emergency room believing they are having a heart attack. The physical pain is great and mentally you are terrified. You feel out of control...overwhelmed by your body and in your mind.

If you have never had one, you probably know someone who has. I won't take the time here, but I encourage you to Google it to have a general understanding about-symptoms, statistics, causes, healing tools, because odds are you will meet someone who has or does experience them. The attack itself can last anywhere from an hour to a minute. Mine gradually decreased in length as well as physical symptoms. Mentally, the fear-the fight or flight-it's still very real. I will say that because of God's healing and His mercy, I do not face as much of the fear as I do maybe great anxiety now.

I don't know how you feel about spiritual warfare, but I believe it is real-very real. (See scripture at the end of this blog entry if this is something new to you.) It has helped me to see fear as an entity rather than a feeling that consumes me. With a feeling, it is just there, a part of you and there is nothing you can do, it's a feeling and you must accept it. Once I made the choice to see it as an entity that I could choose to block, cast out, hand "it" over to God and allow Him to fight "it" for me, it became easier to release it to God and let go of the feeling of lack of control that consumed me. I could not control it. (I describe it to my family as a contraction that a woman feels in labor. It wells up inside you, and it swells till it engulfs you. It peaks and then gradually lessens in intensity. Unfortunately there's no epidural block for it!!)

The feeling of panic causes you to cry out for mercy in that most desperate moment-you feel entagled in death, you are full of sorrow, fear, anger, trouble...death seems like a good option in the moment! I remember telling my husband during one episode, "Honey, I think I am going to ask you to punch me out and you better make it good the first time!" I wanted the immediate escape-thankfully he didn't do it and I am so glad! I have never been hit and I hope to keep it that way!!

I will never forget New Year's Eve, we went to some friends and played Canasta -woohoo, love that game- and I had one sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of a game!! What?!? How weird! My heart began to palpitate, pain shot thru my left arm, and I began to tremble. God's sweet mercy and compassion allowed me to manage it right there in the chair without skipping a beat. Inside though, chaos was errupting!! Noticing my chills, my sweet friend was kind enough to get me a blanket cuz obviously I was chilly!! I simply said Thank You. It wasn't until months later that I shared with her why I was actually trembling and later had to excuse myself from the table to use the bathroom! Even her, being a good friend, was clueless and even now, she still cannot grasp the fact that I experienc(ed) panic and anxiety attacks. You would never imagine it...I still catch myself thinking, really?

Once I had finally fallen into a pit of darkness, flat on my face, full of compassion, God lifted me up. He quieted my soul. He has delivered my soul from death. He patiently waited for me to finally let go of my life and ask Him to take it over for me-and He did! In a moment of absolute desperation, God poured out His grace on me-let me take a moment..."Thank You Jesus! You are Redeemer, Healer, Sustainer and the Source of my strength! Oh God, Thank You for rescuing me and giving me life again. In Jesus compassionate name I offer thanksgiving, amen!"

Okay, I am back, had a moment...Tears fill my eyes in thanksgiving, what a journey He has taken me on this year! My life is soooo different and I wouldn't trade it for anything. If there was anyother way to have traveled a less painful way to Him, I would rather have taken it but this is His way, His plan for me and I accept it. Wailing to rejoicing, I am desperate not for salvation but desperate for my Daily Bread, my Breathe is His. He holds my next breath. In my weakness He is strong. His mercies are new every morning-yeah!!!

It took LOTS of prayer, LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of prayer. A LOT of desperate calling out to the Lord for mercy and grace. A LOT of trust, faith, and stillness before Him was learned...actually, still being learned:) A LOT of work went into learning about panic attacks and how to physically work through them physically and mentally. Spiritually, it is my focus to lay it down, step back and let God take over on my behalf. Seeing it as His fight, not mine gives me boundries in my mind where I know it is not my place to fight back, but trust the One who fights for me.

God has shown great mercies on me in this season off healing. Ultimately, He did what He had to to call me back into an intimate, co-dependant relationship with Him. It took disabling me physically to cause me to enable me spiritually. I cannot imagine starting a day without handing it over to Him first. I absolutely look forward to meeting Him in the morning light, every single morning!!! I thought about having a t-shirt made: BEWARE: I am Co-Dependant (Just not on YOU! Dependant upon God!) ha ha

Are you deperate for Him? Is there something in your life that causes you to feel out of control? It may not be panic or anxiety, fill in the blank and hand it over to Him. Turn your face to Him and lay it all down. I have had some people say to me, How? How do I get feel close to Him? How do I hear Him? What do I say, what should I pray? Remeber, the Lord protects the simplehearted. Keep it simple...look up, open your hands, palms up and say "God, I know You see me and I am asking You to help me. I desperately need You. Renew my soul."

God will take it from there. He will prompt you what to do next. Certainly you will find yourself reading His Word which is living, you will be facing Him more and more everyday and you will learn to hear Him. Behaviors in your life will change, your thought life will change, your spirit will be renewed. He's not a God of confusion or legistics. He is a loving, compassionate God who LOVES YOU!! He wants to pour out Himself on you, will you let Him???

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:10-20

Well...."What if?"

I'd like to share a quote from my bible study today:

"When the love of God calls forth a love for God in a heart of brokenness, it spills forth in a way no happy heart can gush. The scars on my battered shoulder no longer appeared to me as random slashes but suddenly transfigured into engravings of unexpected praise and thanksgiving.

I wouldn't trade that intense season with my Redeemer for anything in this world. I lived off of Him and His promises hour by hour. I failed Him but He neither failed me nor left me in my failure."

"What if..." We say it all the time...."What if" this and "What if" that! Well, what if it does happen to you...whatever "it" is for you- What if? Would it be so bad if it came true? Just on the other side of your greatest heartbreak could be redemption. Across the bridge of intense pain, fear and illness is courage and peace that surpasses all understanding...is it worth it to you?

"Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help." You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever." Psalm 30:10-12

Can you say Thank You for this trial you are walking me through, knowing that He will meet you with more than you could imagine? In mourning, can you dance for Jesus, can you praise Him in unexpected thanksgiving?

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4

Trust...do you trust God enough to not be afraid, not to worry and not to fret over the unknown circumstances you are facing in your life right now? He is your Rock, your Sustainer and He will be your Strength but you must trust Him. You must believe He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He will do! He is trustworthy!

"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:26-27

Peace...can you find peace in your pain? In the midst of the storm you are facing or maybe standing in, do you have peace? True peace cannot come from within yourself, it is not a technique learned, it is a Gift which you must simply accept. Peace is the Holy Spirit that dwells within each believer. Do not be afraid-trust God and accept His peace. It's amazing that you can be in midst of absolute chaos in your life-your mind may be completely scattered-your heart may be broken pieces like a jigsaw puzzle...but you can still have peace within your soul. WOW!

How do you get that??? Trust God's character and His Word-His promises. HE LOVES YOU and He's not going anywhere! People come and go in our lives, friends may betray you or abandon you, but God will never leave you. He stands constantly before you with open arms, waiting for you to come into His fellowship which is so sweet and everlasting.

"Never will I leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20

"May the Lord Himself, who is our source of peace, give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with you all." II Thess 3:16

Satan would love nothing more than to convert you into a Grumpy Bean. How can he do that? He will begin by surrounding you with negative thoughts, negative people, negative circumstances with negative outlooks...that will get you discouraged in a hurry! A grumpy, discouraged Christian..how likely do you think he/she is going to be spreading God's love to those around them? More than likely not at all! They are too pouty, grumpy and negative. They are Guest of Honor at their own Pity party and you're invited!!

Someone asked me what kind of friends do I have and it didn't take long to answer that one. I believe that God crosses our paths with people for a moment in time, for a day, a short season in our life and He gives us lifelong relationships. I believe that each person He crosses our path with, for however long it may be, is in your life for a reason. I don't know that we intentionally pick who our friends are, I feel God makes constant divine appointments in our day/season/life. God may use one of us to reveal something to the other or it may be a mutual edification or intervention. God sees the big picture and we just don't!

However, who we choose to spend time with-that is our choice. It's important to look at our motives when choosing where our time and energy go. Do we pick to get to know this one over here because she can benefit me in some way...or maybe her over there because she is pretty high up in the chain and if I got to know her, I would have a better chance at getting the promotion. How about this girl, she's got lots of money, I bet she'd support my cause if I could get to know her better.

Opposite from our benefit, do we ignore getting to know another because they may be different than us...maybe their background is vastly different than ours was...maybe they are poor and not as well-kept as we'd like to be around. Maybe this guy over here is going trough a tough time and I just don't want to have to listen to all the crying and complaining after working all day...

For me, I am about loving the Lord. Scripture says "Bad company corrupts good character", so that is how I choose who will be allowed close to my heart. That does not mean I will not hang around with those different than me for Jesus said be in the world not of it. I think God has special lessons to teach and to be learned from each person-no matter if they are saved or not saved, rich or poor, healthy or sick. As Jesus lived here and walked here, He fellowshiped with everyone, no one is excluded from God's fellowship. We should not draw imaginary "do not cross this line" because you don't know if this person may be a divine appointment in your day.

But, think about who surrounded Him-a close group that loved Him, were loyal (almost all) to Him, respected Him and protected Him. No, they weren't perfect friends of Jesus. They didn't "get Him" many times but they were His inner circle. Their hearts were open to Him and He hand picked them to accompany His journey.

So, for me, my inner circle is a select few. I don't go around telling everyone "I love you" and telling everyone they are my very Best Friend. There are so many levels of "love" and God says "love your neighbor" and I do, but in a world that is so caught up in status and networking, I am careful with my words...what I share and who with. I admit I am pretty guarded and God is patiently allowing me opportunities to "open up" and be more vulnerable. I tend to be friend(ly) with everyone for the above mentioned reasons, old or young, but my inner circle is occupied with women who love the Lord. They are godly women of good character, not perfect women because none of us are that and if we are looking for that perfect friend, you will be waiting forever! I surround myself with women who seek Him in their life and they are eager to share this journey, in good and bad times, whether happy/sad, scarey/safe- with me. Jesus Christ is the only perfect friend you will ever have in this lifetime and in the next!! HE is my very Best Friend and I can say wholeheartedly I Love Him!!!

Who do you surround yourself with? Are you someone others would say has "good character?" It is important that we take time to look in the mirror too! Do you have a select few that you can share the journey of life with? Do you have Sisters that will speak truth to you even if it hurts? Are the women in your life god-fearing, god-loving women who are instruments pouring out more of Him into your life? If so, thank them for their sweet friendship. Praise God for this gift. If you don't, if many of your inner circle has moved or God has passed you through another season in your life, I encourage you to pray, asking God to restore or replace these once precious places in your heart and in your life.

I have four children at home and when I need a time of refreshing, I don't want to hang out with a bigger-sized whiner! Now that doesn't mean that we can't whine every now and then, there's a difference between momentary complaining about a situation you may be dealing with and having bad character-gossiper, slander, pot-stirrer/instigator. We all have bad days and even tough seasons in our lives that God has us walk through. That's what a dear friend is for-to walk with you, along side the shakey road and steady you as you go. A good friend not only picks you up when you fall, they make sure you get back on your two feet again and walk with ya a bit.

"And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." I Thess 5:14

When the "What if's" come in your life, it's those special few that tell you the truth. They are the ones that focus you on the Lord, keeping His promises fresh in your mind. God uses them as instruments of comfort and healing, wisdom and joy in our uncertainties. They remind us of who God still is...He is faithful, trustworthy, He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ever imagine! Be careful to guard your hearts and minds by protecting yourself not only from other nay-sayers, "What if-ers," but from yourself too! Get past your doubt-confess your unbelief and TRUST GOD! Stop trying to do this life in your strength-lay down all pride and human logic, knowledge and understanding down at His feet. Next time you are facing uncertainty and fear, anger or heartache...ask God to transform the scars to engravings of His mercies.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Psalm 23:1-6

"Thank You God for leading me beside quiet waters when all I can feel is raging storms all around me. Even though what I may be walking through looks like death on the other side, I will not fear for You are near. There is nothing that You cannot handle Lord. I may not feel that I can handle one more painful moment, but You can cause my cup to overflow. When my thinking turns to the "What if's", Father would You help me capture that thought the instant I fear and cast it as far as the East is from the West?

Quiet my heart, mind and soul that it may fill with Your endless peace. I trust You God in the storm. I even praise You in the storm because I know You are still there holding me, carrying me in it. God, it's Your storm anyway and it submits under Your powerful hand. Help me to not fear and see the tidal waves but to see You hand directing me through it. Wipe away my fear tears so that I may see You clearly.

Better one day in Your presence than a lifetime without. Direct my path dear God, lead me and I will follow, as long as You lead...I will go.

Thank You for sending us instruments of grace, our friends whom You kindly give to us for such a time as this...when we fall, they are there to remind us of Your greatness and when we celebrate, they are there to praise You with us! May we dance with joy celebrating You! In one spirit, receive our praise and worship in Jesus name!

I will not want...I will not fear...I will not wonder "What if" for YOU ARE WITH ME!! If I could shout it from the mountaintop I would- YOU ARE AN AMAZING GOD WHO DOES AMAZING THINGS! My heart overflows tonight God for the great things You have done! The more I seek You, the more I Love You, amen!"

Part Two of Backward and Forward

Ok, so after my last entry this morning, I headed off to the gym to get in a much needed workout! I was reminded of a recent conversation I had with a girlfriend about working out. You know, we eat chips and salsa, donuts, cakes and cookie 5 days a weeks and then we wonder why are my pants tight?!? So, we head to the gym or go for a run to hide or work off the consequences of what we just did. The choices we make affect our now and our future, whether it be physical, spiritual or emotionally.

If you eat junk, you will not become healthy. So, make healthy choices and you will have healthier results.

If you tell yourself you are ugly, stupid, worthless or coming down with some horrible disease, why are you surprised that you feel this way?? So, watch your words-don't hand over an invitation to Satan to bring on trouble-believe that no matter what you think you are, you need to know and accept that God has made you something beautiful and worthwhile with a plan and purpose that only YOU can fill.

If you do not spend time studying God's Word and developing a relationship with Him, then you won't hear Him. So, make time with God a priority and hear His still small whispers.

Again, the choices we make impact our here and now, into our future. They say one look into someone's check book and you will see their priorities. How about in your heart and mind? If there was software that people could buy to read your mind-would you worry? I might a little. It would be embarrassing for others to truly know how cowardly and insignificant I actually felt about myself and my impact on the kingdom.

In the beginning of my healing process with fear and anxiety, I was given a book to read called Jesus Loves Me. WOW! There is so much to chew on in it. Recently, I bought it for myself and it is almost completely high-lighted there is so much I want to get that I relate to-my self defeating thoughts. I imagine I will read it a dozen times more before it all sinks into my thick skull. It addresses the main concept that Jesus Loves You with a passion. He accept you in your good and bad-even despite your bad. He accepts me just as the me He created me to be. There's nothing I can do to affect that. He loves each of us-me and you- sacrificially!

My thoughts-that's what I am working on in my life right now. Well...one of MANY things but it is definitely top 2!! I have become really good at wearing a mask for fear that others wouldn't accept me in my good and my bad, so if I just put the best foot forward and pretend that everything else is great-then I won't be judged, criticized, made fun of. Am I the only one that does this? I wonder. I was convicted about one of the lines in the book:..searching for someone to be trusted with who we are "only to find in experience that too often the only communication we are ever offered is mask to mask, not face to face." OUCH for being the one wearing the mask and SADNESS for being the one looking for genuine communication.

God is growing me in this and I really have to focus on Him! Bottom line is TRUST! Do I? Can I? Will I trust God with my heart, mind and soul? I should for He loves me unconditionally. He will never forsake me-even when I have turned my back on Him, He will stand faithful waiting for my return to Him in open embrace. I cannot live a life concerned with what others will think of me. My attention and focus needs to be on the Lord, am I pleasing HIM! Am I obeying His commands? Am I following His lead? Will I fail? Maybe -it will be okay because I trust Him to stay by my side, pick me up and wipe away the dirt and tears. This has been my prayer-help me find me-help me see the me that You Lord see. Take off my mask for others to see my deep love for You in that in my failing, in my weakness, in my mistakes, You God have made me strong-You accept me and love me no matter what! Let Your light shine in my life to draw other closer to You God. Make me nothing and fill me with Your everything! Awaken my Spirit to truth, hope and faith in living a life full out in love with You!

So, back to the choices we make today. We cannot change what we have already done. Where we have walked is where we have walked. However, your next step IS up to you. Are you going to make a choice that promotes good, pleases God alone, brings God honor-not self? Obviously, even our best intentions can lead to bad choices. We are going to make mistakes. While man looks at your actions, God sees your heart. Our intent should be to seek God and follow His lead the best you know how and trust Him with the results. Take off the self made mask and ask God to reveal Himself more clearly to you and through you. It may be a painful little journey exposing that freshness in being vulnerable to the outside world. No pain no gain! Face your fear of judgment and failure, in the hopes that God may be lifted high through your willingness to be real in the life of others and for yourself!

God doesn't play Peek A Boo-He sees more than you yourself can see! TRUST HIM!! You CAN! You should! HE LOVES YOU and ME UNCONDITIONALLY!!! GOOD AND BAD-HE LOVES YOU!

"Thank You Patient and Sovereign Lord for waiting for me to blossom into the person You designed me to be. Thank You for opportunities recently to peek out from behind my mask through my bible studies, sharing with others about my journey with You, through this blog and with Sisters You have blessed me with. You are such a gentle and gracious God. There really is NONE like You. I worship You with all my heart! I LOVE YOU LORD GOD! In the sweet name of Your Son, amen!"

Jesus loves you! "Only God, in Jesus Christ, can meet the needs of your heart. In His presence we can be what we are w/o fear...take off your mask!" "Blossom in the sunshine of His love."

Going Forward and Backward

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:13-14

Oh how good we are at looking backwards into our past to determine what we should do in the future. You've heard it said "To predict future behavior, look at their past behaviors"...I am NOT a counselor, so I say this in my own opinion, but as a Believer, I don't agree completely. I think our past is the past and we must continually be "straining toward what's ahead" pressing on to the goal and reward ahead of us. If you are caught up in habitual sin, then yes, you will continue to sin until you confess it, ask forgiveness and sin no more. But, if God has revealed an area of sin or disobedience in your life and you acknowledge it, confess it and ask God to purify your heart and mind-then your future behaviors should be different. You will no longer make the same choices thus giving you different results.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:1-5

So, is looking back a bad thing? I think No. It depends on why you are looking back in the past. If you are reflecting back on the mercies, the redemption, the grace and compassion God has given you through past trials, then there is great encouragement to remember His grace given to you in those moments. But if you glance back and feel condemnation and judgment, and this is what you use to determine how you will make choices for your future, you won't be walking ahead, but backwards. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
How are we going to live a different life, a holy life full of grace and faith if we feel the condemnation and unworthiness from our past failures. We can't!!
We all have scares from our past, some are deeper than others. We may still be suffering the consequences of past mistakes. Do we think God's grace isn't enough? That He must not be able to use us, help us in our current affliction...we are unworthy of being anything worthwhile because we have made mistakes in the past? What a lie from the evil one!! We are absolutely valuable and His grace IS sufficient. He showed us how valuable we were on the Cross!
God allows us to suffer and make mistakes so that we feel our humanness. Without Him we are weak, we will make bad decisions. We must rest assured that He sees us and He never leaves us. His grace is sufficient for every moment we face, certain and uncertain.
I have been on an intense journey with the Lord these past 10 months and I can't help but look back. If I look back and see my fear, my anxiety, my failures, where I didn't trust and depend on Him, then I feel bad-unworthy-hypocritical and I am right back into the place of being a failure. This doesn't move me forward but backwards! However, if I look back over these past 10 months and I see where in my fear, anxiety, failures, God met me-He gave me grace-He held me tight with compassion-He provided strength and grace within the affliction-THEN I am encouraged, empowered, strengthened and motivated to take the next step.
A close friend of mine and I were talking about what God has done in my life over the past year and a half. Although a little painful, I am thankful we took time to visit the past. We just didn't hang out there!!! I had a yearning, a thirst for God that I couldn't seem to satisfy. I was craving a deeper, more intimate relationship with my God but I couldn't get more of Him. I prayed for boldness, courage in my faith, in my walk, in every area of my life. I attended a woman's bible study hoping that it would hold me accountable thru the daily homework to find Him and He would make me into a bold, fearless woman of God proclaiming Him from the mountaintops. I had forgotten about these prayers and desires. Careful what you ask for. Funny though, I thought He would just hand them over to me-transform me when I awoke in the morning into a confident, faithful and beautiful servant of Him. Nope-He wasn't handing it over on a silver platter. I look back now and see his ways were certainly not my ways. I thought He wasn't hearing me because the transformation wasn't happening like I expected.
All in His timing-His ways! Entering this season-not day- but season of pain, affliction and suffering has slowly refined me, transformed me. No, I do not feel I have all the courage and confidence and boldness I wish I had, I am still growing and learning. I will say that He is working though. I am task oriented and I like to plan and make lists that I can check off what has been accomplished, but my impatience gets me in a tiff....God, where's my boldness?? Where's my courage and strength??? I want it NOW! You know, He has given me more today than yesterday, and there's more than the day before that and so on. Like a flower planted, slowly it takes root and blooms with the nutrients provided every day. Every day God meets me. Every day He provides more of Him...and He is an infinite God!
My Friend, wherever you are today, I pray you find yourself moving onward. Take a moment and look back with the purpose of finding those grace moments, see how God has carried you all this time. Then, move forward. He has a specific plan and purpose for your life and there is nothing He allows to happen to you that doesn't accomplish that specific goal in His divine plan. Is He pruning you right now? Are you going through a trial and you don't understand why? Do you find yourself making the same mistakes over and over? Are you waiting for something to come to you in the way you expect it to?
Trust Him, not yourself. Seek first the kingdom-not yourself for you are not the Master Planner. Stick with the plan! Dwell on His awesomeness! He is near-He is near!

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:6-8