Flight & Fight Week

For nearly a year, I had stressed and feared flying on a plane again. Having the panic attack on that plane caused me such fear to fly again. It had become my Goliath. I swore I would never fly again. The degree of fear certainly had decreased each passing month as I handed the anxiety over to God and trust Him to provide the very breath I needed but it remained a threat of bondage to me that I knew had to be broken. It was time.
Our family typically takes one big travel vacation for the week but this year, plans were on hold because of the trials I was facing with my fear that flying would trigger in me. April was a huge turning point but I admit that I still feared the plane...would I ever get back on one? Would we ever travel as we always had? Will I continue to allow this to be bondage for me? Would I allow this to keep me from going where God called me? With praise and thanksgiving and determination...perserverance- I said NO!! I will not be bound.
My husband and I decided to take down this Goliath who continued to taunt me. We had hoped to keep the planned a trip out of the country for Thanksgiving, a 2.5 hr flight we had taken many times. Every day I prayed over this upcoming flight. Then I thought, you know, a test flight would be good. The shortest and cheapest thing I could do was a round trip to Austin. So, the hubby and I had a Date!
I had it all planned out-good diet, healthy lifestyle, extra bible study time, anointing oils and lots of prayers. I had my Holy To Do List in preparation of the big-little flight. That was MY plan...notice the list of my works. Unfortunately but fortunately, the flu swept over my two big boys and then me! Needless to say, I didn't feel like eating anything, much less a salad, fever kept me from the gym and fatigue and headaches kept me from the study and prep time I was counting on to get me through this upcoming war with Goliath. I became a little anxious in my inability to start my flight against Goliath by way of preparation. Here was the next big...huge step to getting myself prepared for the biggest test of my life and I could do nothing!! I tried to read and study, but I absolutely couldn't, I had nothing in me.
I pleaded with God Why...don't You want me to do all of this so I can be successful? What am I doing wrong here? This is when He spoke to me. That still small voice I knew was now a clear directive voice.
It was through these moments He laid a foundation for me to learn "surrender." I never really understood the depth of surrender, being at the complete end of self until this season of having no other option but to surrender. Here I lay sick in bed with nothing to give, being forced into surrender. I trust He knew my heart, my desire to do right and earn my weight of protection and provision but is not the economy of God. I would come to learn trust and grace through surrender. So often I think He forces us into the places we have no access to self, to show us He is all we need, and He is able. He helps us in these moments to see He is more than we can imagine. Trusting His grace was enough and understanding the power was not in myself, but Him. I got it. I got surrender. When you stop acting, doing and you lay bare, you have nothing, there you have surrender.
Friday came and I began to feel better, focus and energy returned. I had a good Bible study and a meaningful prayer time finally. Saturday morning of the test flight to Austin, I woke up feeling great! I was sooo glad, admittedly though I was nervous that I would not be successful because I felt I hadn't done what I thought needed to be done in order to have victory. My thoughts went to trying to figure out what I would do when I was being defeated. I honestly didn't think it was going to go well and yet, I sure had hoped my little bit would be enough.
Today is THE day...I was going to get up early and had planned to double up on missed Bible studies...earning my right to receive His grace and peace. (And...another lesson to be learned here.) As I rolled out of bed, I felt the prompting to lay back down. What?? No way!! I am NOT going to miss today's Bible study of all days. Are you kidding me?!?! Today is crucial I make up for lost time. I sat up again and once again I felt God saying lay back down. So I relunctantly did. I was completely baffled as to why He wouldn't want me to get up and study, showing my worthiness. I laid still and prayed, not understanding why I was laying there, kind of mad if I am honest because what could possibly be accomplished by laying back down and praying, and praying for what at that point?!? Was it me wanting to be lazy, was it Satan wanting me to stay in bed another day or was it really God? It was sooooo hard for me to lay there and not get up to take action. I have since learned more about the powerful weapon of prayer, and this was the season I was learning it. I prayed more, over the day, over me, over my husband over the fear all the while wanting to get out of that bed and do something off my list!
As my anxiety and nervousness rose, I began in the pleading of help to rescue me from the defeat I assumed was to be mine when I faced Goliath unprepared and ill-equipped. He gently reminded me about surrender. Taking deeper breaths, I laid there in an attempt to settle down and hand it all over to Him as He has been revealing to me all week prior to this morning. I prayed, confessing my works based faith and the trust I was actually placing in myself instead of Him. All week I had planned on earning and making myself a success against taking down Goliath. God stepped in and basically rescued me from myself while taking away any bragging rights I may have had. I would have nothing to show for my part other than faith by surrender. All the power and victory would be because of His doing. Not mine.
I couldn't get out of bed. I laid silent, listening for more, waiting for the release to go and do. Minutes later, I asked again, why it was that He still had me there, what else am I to hear or get or say. Meanwhile, He could hear all the other stuff in my head of defeat, fear of what was an obvious loss, wondering how I would handle the upcoming flight unprepared, fearing if this whole flying life would never really happen. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, conceding to the moment. And He answered.  " I won't drop you."
That's it...I was speechless...it was not the profound statement you would imagine God to say but He knew my inner thoughts. He knows my deepest fears and He addressed them. I knew exactly what He meant and I had great comfort and peace because of it...it was His word to me. It was God loving me, accepting me, forgiving me and promising to not forsake me...He won't drop me. This is why I was to remain in bed. I would not have been listening for Him if I was busy studying and working out, I wouldn't have sat still long enough knowing I had so much to do to have heard Him.
All that time, God was teaching me...waiting for me to surrender...then to be still...then to listen...then to accept His word and trust it.
I got up out of bed, got the kids to school, had a sweet prayer time that morning and danced in worship. I was ready for the flight, feeling encouraged, covered and equipped with truth and Grace. Off to the airport we went! Peace filled me and fear fled. Yes, I was nervous but not consumed. My husband was a rock to me too. This was a different journey for Him watching His wife navigate this season of fear and faith.
Our little flight was awesome! We enjoyed a few hours of layover time to have lunch with our daily who lives there and we returned back home before the kids got out of school! His grace WAS enough-He didn't drop me!
Next step was the 2.5 hr flight one week away. What joy to be free from the bondage of fear. I say with confidence it has no hold over me-PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY!! It was nothing of me but all of Him-my Rock and Refuge, my Strength and Sustainer! I simply let it all go and made the choice to surrender to Him my fear, my anxiety and place complete trust in Him, by faith alone. It has been baby steps of trust and faith throughout the entire year. I say that in April I was free, but I still feared the plane...I was just in the process, one step, a big step closer to freedom!
I am sooooo human...you would think I would never, ever, ever, fear or doubt again and yet I found myself still anxious about the big flight.
Temptation to work my list the next week was there, but I stayed focused on surrender and trust. I was encouraged by my mentor to write a letter of thanksgiving to God recalling the many times He has provided. It brought tears to my eyes when I recounted the many times He has heard my cries for help and met me with His comforting arms. How He has carried me along lonely paths, never leaving my side. The fact that He has stood by my side despite my failings, accepting me just as I was in that moment, brought me adoration for the sweet and gracious God I love and serve.
I choose to live out the coming week in an attitude of thanksgiving, peace and joy in complete surrender knowing and trusting He will provide just the right portion of just what I need just when I needed it. I will continue, by faith and Grace to conquer Goliath in his many schemes and taunts against me. I am getting lots of practice to learn about Grace, hope, faith, trust, patience, acceptance. Our faith is not about our worthiness, or our ability to perform or work. Faith is about Grace. My God is awesome and it is Christ alone any of us can have victory, not of ourselves, lest any one boast! I eagerly await every next flight, arming myself with His armor through my surrender and obedience, covered and led by Grace! He is everything and all in all. Rest in His care. He won't drop you!

My heart's prayer tonight~
"God, you are more than enough for me. Your portions of what we need whether it be grace, love, peace, joy, assurance or be it discipline are always enough for me. Your ways are perfect, help me to simply trust Your timing, Your ways so that You may be glorified, not of myself for I am nothing without you. Lord, may You allow me the honor and blessing to share this with others who need encouragement in their life, what they are facing. I may be able to hide my inner thoughts from those around me and even from my own self, but You are in my deepest thoughts. You can see what no other can. Only You can reach in and pull out the gunk within, transforming it into something fruitful.
God I pray You would continue to mold me into what it is You created me for. I believe I am here for a purpose so I ask and submit to the plan You have for me whatever it is, mold me. Move me out of the way, help me to continue to trust You. When tempting thoughts of fear and doubt approach would You bind them and cast them as far as the east is from the west.
For those who are hurting or facing difficult circumstances, would You step into their heart, souls and minds, reveal Yourself to them, drawing them closer to Your cup of grace and love. Cleanse them and purify them so that with You Lord, they would become more than they could ever be on their own. Show them the power of prayer and surrender. Teach them Grace.
For those who are lost and don't know you, God, remove their blindness, open their hearts and minds to You, Your truth. May they see Your Light through each of us who belong to You. The smallest flicker of the smallest light can penetrate darkness, illuminating the Light. If not I, then someone, something, Lord awaken their spirits, bring them out of the darkness, bring them back to You as you died for each one of them just as You died for me. Guide us in our circle of influences, teach us how to encourage, how to love, how to forgive the people in our lives who have hurt us and intercede for those who live in darkness. Give us a renewed passion to pray for them and love them just as You have shown Your great love for us.
In Your Son's redeeming and sweet name I pray, I seek and I knock at Your Heavenly door. I love you Father God, my awesome Rock, The Living Truth, my perfect Portion, amen!!"