Feast vs Fries

"A whole basket of fries," my son tells me after he returns home from work. (That's his favorite thing, aside from ice cream.) He ordered a whole basket of fries for his dinner, explaining how much he loves not only their flavor and texture, but the price at only $3. Of course, I repeat my "you can't live on fries and sugar alone" Mom speech. You need protein to sustain you, fruits and veggies to balance you. Well, not sure he really cares. Fries are filling, cheap and a quick fix to a hungry tummy and yes, a tasty one at that! 
After talking recently with friends who are struggling in their relationships, this sank into my soul...the act of substitution, settling, selfishness and taking in less than ideal. In essence, we are starving ourselves when what we need is nourishment  I began to wonder....why it is we sometimes are satisfied with just a "basket of fries" in our marriages, friendships, our walk with the Lord?! In marriage, we turn to pornography, adultery, movies, MA tv shows, avoidance, selfishness, etc to fill us in moments of hunger. Of course, it may taste good, it may fill you temporarily and satisfy your craving for something spicy, and it's a cheap, quick fix but it's not healthy for you (body, mind, soul or spirit). It will actually destroy you from the inside out, places you can't see constricting you at the core. Sometimes we just don't care because it's easier...and it's our version of satisfaction. But that is far from the truth. Other times we are so consumed by "fries" we can't stop feasting on them and even if we know we need to stop filling ourselves on whole baskets, we can't.
It seems our culture has become so easily enticed into whatever is quick, cheap and easy, rather than what is quality and of substance. We want what we want when we want it and will have it regardless of what is best for us. We either don't care or we are consumed to the point of feeling satisfied enough with just a "whole basket of fries."
In our relationships with others, we serve up tasty baskets of fries to each other out of fear of rejection, out of hurt or lack of trust. Because it's easier. We want quick, painless and easy relationships. It takes time, trust and energy to have beautiful, solid relationships and frankly, we fall into the pit of feeling either undeserving or pridefulness and we don't see the value of our "sacrifice" in order to richly invest. 
In our walk with the Lord, we feast on the whole basket of delicious salty fries even though He has a grand feast offering before us. We settle for less than the whole of what God has to offer. He has so much more to give than just fries.
Now don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I very much enjoy fresh, salty fries, and especially salty, sweet potato fries, but this is not the whole of my diet. It is a part of it. It's our favorite side to hamburgers on the grill. But a diet of only fries, which would certainly fill us and satisfy our tastebuds and growling tummies, will not provide nourishment that we need. We must have substantial nourishment and balance in order to thrive in body, mind and spirit. Here's the thing...you know you are going to get hungry...eventually. Why not plan for it? Be ready. Prepare ahead of time for the moment.
This is true in our marriage, our friendships and our walk with the Lord. We are enticed by "baskets of salty fries" and we fill up, leaving no room for anything else. We knew we'd be hungry. Why didn't we prepare? You want fries? Great...enjoy them on the side of something meaty, healthy, nourishing. Not every conversation we have with our spouse or our friend will be meaty, deep and soul-revealing, it's good to talk about things that fill us up like "life," "kids," "work," and "the weather" but we must have a nourishing substance for our whole heart and soul...with fries on the side. In a world that says take what you can, go the easy route, self-protect, do whatever it takes, God tells us to feast not on what is earthly, but eternal. Do not settle, excuse, or justify something less. Be satisfied in richness! Today, will you choose feast or fries to satisfy your hunger?! Filler or fullness?!
Psalm 34:8 says "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!" 
Be salty, but be His salt!!! Mathew 5:13, "You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet." 

John 6:24-27, 33-35 "So when the crowd saw that Jesus was not there, nor his disciples, they themselves got into the boats and went to Capernaum, seeking Jesus. When they found him on the other side of the sea, they said to him, "Rabbi, when did you come here?"

 Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." 

Jesus then said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." They said to him, "Sir, give us this bread always." Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." 

Psalm 23: 5-6 "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Cooking in the kitchen...get the glasses!

I suppose it's just one of the signs you know You're Over 40. I'll be working in the kitchen, getting everything out for making my less than perfect meal, it's true, I own it, don't worry...and I pull out the recipe to begin the challenge of conquering a healthy meal (or sometimes an unhealthy but delicious dessert) but there is a problem...I can't read it. Literally. What has happened to my eyes?!? Does it say preheat to 325 or 375? Is it a tablespoon or teaspoon? How much of a cup? Well, better grab the glasses. Oh, now I can see. But I must also turn on the Light highlighting the directions (and pictures) in The Book. Now the cooking may begin!

Without the right ingredients, measurements, tools, glasses or the light, I probably could have guessed my way through the recipe, and if I got lucky, it may have appeared good enough but I am not so sure it would have tasted good enough. There is a huge difference in a tablespoon of salt and a teaspoon of salt! 

Can't we just make do with what we have and it be good enough? (I am not talking about about contentment here. That is another blog for another day!) It's when we settle or substitute.

So what makes us settle for attempting just good enough? Although I am sure the list of "reasons" are as long as my grocery list, the most common I feel are: poor time management/rushing/laziness, lack of preparation, prideful attitudes, low expectations, overloading our mind/busyness, substituting right ingredients for the wrong ones, using the wrong tools. Why do we settle when what we really hope for is excellence? And why do we get mad when things don't turn out how we wished or imagined?!? Oh my! Who to blame?! Surely not ourself?! I mean, the kids...our spouse....the schedule...the phone calls...the neighbor...the news...if they weren't so needy, it would have been better right?! The famous Blame Game! It's nothing new...read Genesis!

I'm afraid we do the same thing in our spiritual walk. We settle for good enough. But why when what we want is excellence?! For all the reasons we named above: poor time management, rushing or being lazy, pridefulness, low expectations, overloaded minds, hearts or schedules, substituting for the real thing, not adequately preparing...and on the list goes. And we wonder why we don't feel God, or hear His voice, see Him move in our lives. We want to blame the kids...the spouse....the schedule...the work...the schools...the church...the neighbor...the barking neighborhood dog...the bad hair day....everyone but ourselves. I know, I feel the sting too. Ouch! 

I actually am over 40 and my eyes are getting fuzzy. Yep, time for another eye check up for sure. I have done what I can to guess my best when I can't see something clearly and the results have proven so...barely good enough...or complete failure. This has been true for me spiritually too, settling for good enough, often resulting in complete failure....but why when what I want is excellence...to feel God, hear His voice, see Him move? Well, I know who is to blame: Me. Only me. 

The Holy Spirit is like my much needed glasses, making everything clear...crystal clear so I don't have to guess. Jesus is the Light that lights the Way/Directions in dark spaces. I have everything I need to walk in excellence, serving, giving and loving the Lord and others. Perfect? No. Southern Living or Pinterest Perfection? Nope. But with all my heart, soul and mind, it is my desire to love Him with all I am, to be prepared and equipped for whatever He asks of me. How could I give Him less than that? He gave His all for me. 

God has prepared a Way for us to walk this life in excellence. There is no substitute for Him. Aren't you thankful God doesn't settle for good enough? He is not a good enough God. He is more than enough! Our God graciously gave us His One and Only Perfect Son, Christ Jesus and His Spirit to lead us and guide us along the way of excellence, to prosper us, for our good and His glory! We don't have to guess our way through life and we don't have to settle. 

God, thank You for giving me all I need to live a life of excellence. While I know that to be true, please forgive me when I am lazy or rushed, unprepared or selfish. I know there are days I don't feel 100%, but Lord, help me accomplish with excellence all that You have called me to. Don't let me be satisfied with less than. I know You aren't. Let me see You clearly. Let me feel Your movement around me. Show me daily Your Way. Help me to walk in the path of Your Light and keep my feet from walking into darkness. 

God, wake me to meet with You and give You my first. Draw me back into Your Word. Help me prepare myself to hear You. Help me teach my children by living it out what walking with You looks like every day. May my life-walk outrun my mouth. 

God, I desire excellence for myself, my family, for others, please lead us towards You, prepare us and equip us, removing all our excuses, all that hinders and quenches the Spirit You have blessed us with. Bless Your Perfect Name, Holy God, amen.

A One Year Reflection of the Day God Opened the Door to The Keys

One year ago today....July 4th weekend of 2014. The weekend God moved us in our spirits. Literally. 

God had stirred our hearts for a few years about making a move. We began anxiously and casually looking around our community for a new house. Beginning with a neighboring community with acreage and the possibility for enough land for horses. Off and on for a year, we looked with open hearts and minds. 

Summer 2014 came and we were facing the oldest's last year of high school. We only had a few months to make a move and take on a little "adventure" as a family of 6. And yes, we thought moving 20-30 minutes away was an adventure. But nothing felt right. Doors only closed and we never had peace about any of the houses or areas we looked at. 

We prayed that if that if God wanted us to dare to trust bigger, we were willing. Sure enough, we both knew He was calling us to uproot bigger, we just didn't know where He would lead, but we were ready and willing for one year!

We already had our annual plans for New Braunfels which is a home away from home with dear friends who are like family. We LOVE it there! We both felt a prompting, "What if it's NB?!? How amazing, but scary." It would be a huge move in our minds to be 3 hours from Houston. We had to keep reminding ourselves it was just for a year's time. 

We felt the shift we were being called on to the water, which was weird because we had been searching for acreage for horses. In the meantime, I began cleaning out "the closets" and the garage, and under the beds, and more closets...3800 sq feet of space! 

With great anticipation about New Braunfels, we prayed for God to confirm it if it was where He was leading us and open every door, close every door not meant for us. We were hopeful for His Yes because it was still close enough to family and work, just a few hours drive away. We pulled out the laptops and looked for one year leases and made appointments to go look at houses. 

The first one was scheduled for the hour we were to arrive, and the relator called us an hour before we arrived and told us the people decided to stay, closed door....and the other appointment cancelled their showing, closed door. Ummm....okay. So, God had other plans. We drove around the neighborhood and wandered if it was a By Owner kind of thing, but we never felt it or saw it.

We were still excited to see where He would lead us. We enjoyed this annual get together with life-long friends who are like family, played on the water and were awed by the awesome firework display just as we had been years before. It was a special weekend, but it wasn't our new home. We prayed hoping it would be since it was a place we had talked about for many years, but God did not confirm it to us.

Our last morning there, sipping coffee on the back porch, sad the Lord had not been more clear, my hubby said to me, "I think God is calling us to the Florida Keys." I laughed....rolled my eyes...and said "Whatever." "No really" he says. I replied clearly, "No.way!" There was no way I wanted to go that far off the mainland, Hello Hurricane Central. I didn't want to go to the Islands of Party (I assumed) which surely had no churches and talk about driving distance...too far of a drive at 24 hours the last time we drove it years previous. 

no.way.

My husband was sure there had to be churches there and if there weren't, maybe God would call us there for that reason to start one. My word. I walked away, scared he was serious and hoping he was seriously joking. In years past he had joked about living on an island and be missionaries because he'd had a bad week at work or felt overwhelmed and really just needed a beach vacation! 

I kept my No firm all morning until he said those words, "Will you promise to pray about it?" He just had to ask....he knew I would. Well, I did that night. I woke up that morning and to my total and unbelievable surprise, I felt a sense of peace and anticipation. Deep down, I was hoping it wasn't so but felt it could be, but I figured God was just testing my faith and willingness. Yes, I was willing. No, I didn't want to. NB was just enough of a big move, a grand adventure for this girl! 

Well, all the doors closed there in NB. We prayed and prayed hoping God would confirm NB while we were there but He didn't. On our way home, my hubby gave me that look, you already know where we are going. Trying not to think about it, I mean really, The Keys, so far away?!?! It didn't make sense. 

So we tossed around other "far away" destinations we would want to live and our hearts kept showing us closed doors to the ideas and pulled us back to going to The Keys, open door every time we prayed. It was kinda fun to consider but it would also mean huge sacrifices too, like being away from family, possibly having to find another job if his boss didn't allow him to work remotely, being away from our comfort zone of amazing friends and a wonderful, supportive church family where we had led for 12 years. It was a big testing of our faith and made us pray hard! It sounds funny and obvious I guess to the outsider, but to people who are the "drive it till it breaks, stay where you are, comfort zone, very active in church leadership kind of people," it was huge to move far off, even if it might be to a beautiful destination like beach or mountains.

The following week, we booked airline tickets and made our way there so we could pray with our feet on the ground and take inventory of the area in view of raising a family there and to confirm if we were hearing Him right. It was still mind blowing to think so. Where was the ram in the bush?!? Believe me, I was looking! While God has softened my heart and replaced the fear with joy, in my head, I still wouldn't choose to be there.

God was beyond gracious to give us sign after sign after sign...even in NB. Devotionals we did with our friends pointed us there. Sooo many open doors...Our Bible study lesson pointed us there in Acts 16. Sermons pointed us there. And check out the sign at the restaurant we were eating at while in New Braunfels...Find your beach! 

Needless to say, God did call us here. One day I will write out all the "signs" but for now, what a journey to reflect on. What a grand adventure for sure! We were scared yet excited, more fearful for me but I was able to say yes by faith. We packed up our house of 11 years (had it rented within the first week on the market! Sign!) and The Dickerson 6 were here August 2nd, 2014.

Time has flown!!!! This has a been an amazing year with so many blessings! We have grown in our faith so much and our family has grown closer together. The impacts on us are beyond all that we can imagine. In one more month, we will be driving our oldest son back to attend college in Texas and we will return back here to our one more year home in The Keys. 

We are so excited to continue our adventure here even though it will be harder with our first son moving out, and away, 24hrs, 1200 miles away, back to the place we have called home our whole adult life! This year was what we all needed, for such a time as this.

I know God has a plan and will once again, supply grace and peace as He has for every step so far. I am counting on it, by faith! We are so thankful for our super supportive family and friends who journeyed the fear, shock and excitement with us, backing us up in prayer and love and for those who He has crossed our paths here with people who welcome us with open hearts and homes! 

People ask us how long till we go back to Texas and honestly, we don't know. Last year at this time, we never could have imagined being here, so it's hard to know what God has planned. But what we do know, is that we are here another year and will pray fervently every year for His direction for our next one. It may be one more year and back to Texas, or another state, or maybe this will be home for the next 60 years. We don't know. 

Wherever He leads is where we want to be. It's truly where faith is! I guess it's how we should be living every day anyway. By faith, with intentionality to serve God and enjoy life, living each day to its fullest, where He calls us, for however long He calls us. 

How about you!?! Are you willing to walk through His open doors? What if He's asking you to Find your "beach!" You never know, it might be right out your back window and you are already there but are you living life with open doors on your beach?! And perhaps you have been running from the open door...let me encourage you to walk towards it by faith! I know its scary but I promise you it will bring you joy if it's a door God has opened! 

Wherever you are, live it fully!!! By Faith!

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:4-8 ESV

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

 To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen." Philippians 4:19-20 ESV

Not just a Cheerleader

Sharing this entry from my journal in 2009 after a frightening, life changing, heart wrenching season of panic and anxiety attacks. It's tough to go back and remember the depths of some pits we have found ourselves in, but the take away is HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!! He redeems us from the pit! I pray you will read this, not seeing my pit, but seeing the Faithful, Amazing God who rescued me!! He can rescue you too!! I am so thankful for this blog community and the freedom we have in Christ, and in America to share our testimonies of faith!!! In God I trust!!!! Blessings in Freedom, Michele

"It was in these past 12 months that I realized the importance of the gift of encouragement. I never really thought it was important, in comparison to the gift of teaching, prophesy, evangelism, etc. What does "being positive" do for the Kingdom of God? It's something every person should be by nature. We should all have hope, look for the best in other people and circumstances and always look up...so, how is that a gift when everyone has it? At least a person with the gift of evangelism saves people, forever changing their eternal soul. A person who has the gift of teaching, disciples and grows the heart, soul and mind of another, teaching the very Words of God. Soooo, I am supposed to feel important saying, "Wooohoo!!! You got this! Keep going! God loves you! He is with you! Don't give up! Seek Him and find Him!!" ??? Well, yes! It's so much more than "cheering" someone on.

        When you are in the depths of hell on earth, when you feel like giving up and quitting on this thing called life…you cannot image one more hour and sometimes...one more breath. These words of Job were mine,"Job continued his discourse: "How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when His lamp shone upon my head and by His light I walked through darkness! Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God's intimate friendship blessed my house." Job 29:1-4 NIV. " "At this my heart pounds and leaps from its place." Job 37:1 NIV.  (I can't help but wonder if both Job and Paul knew exactly what a heart palpitation was!!)
        Then refreshment comes. That one hug…that one message from a friend, (prompted by the Holy Spirit no doubt,) saying “Hello, I am here, just thinking of you,” or the reminder "Jesus loves you, He sees you, He is with you even when you aren't feeling Him, trust Him," "this too shall pass," the timely message on the radio or specific Word to you in a sermon translated in Spirit, cutting straight to your marrow...it is Light in your darkness. It is the breath of Life. It's the next breath you breath. It's the energy to take on one more hour, and then a day, and then a week. Immeasurable is the blessing of the encouragement of God gifted to a broken heart, mind and soul. It was refreshment to my dry and weary bones. 

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1 NIV

Knowing how much even the tiniest kind gesture meant to me, I will never minimize again the power of an encouraging word or scripture to another. We all have our bad days and seasons. Only God knows the depths of our thoughts, so it is crucial we pay close attention to the leading and directing of the Holy Spirit to speak life into another’s soul, for you may be the rescue God is sending in their moment of great need. I thank God daily, even now, for those lifesavers God sent me. They are part of God’s fingerprints impressed upon my heart and spirit. Oh God, bless them tenfold!"

Never minimize the gift's of God. They are Kingdom enhancers, life changers, they are the instruments of power from God here on this side of Heaven. In my healing process, it took the gifting of many to bring me out of the pit, to teach me who I was and where my strength would come from, to teach me who God was and is Eternally, Here, Now and in Every Tomorrow. They taught me how to seek first the Kingdom of God, trust His ways, and how to rest and be still my soul. It took encouragers to walk alongside me to not give up and keep me looking forward and up when my eyes were downcast or so full of tears and fears that I couldn't see the next step in front of me. 

They were more than cheerleaders (as I had always seen myself). It's soooo much more. With the leading and enabling of the power of the Holy Spirit, they were the bumper guards of my life. They were the bungie that brought me back to solid ground when I fell. They were the truth speakers reminding me who I said my trust was in, that tomorrow had new mercies, and that God had already conquered this current darkness and I was more than a conquerer in Him! (Romans 8). How precious and important The Body of Christ!!! Never, ever hesitate to be used by Him. You may save someone's life and the domino affect of saving just one is huge! Restoring one can restore generations to come. Besides, it's one of the most amazing experiences to be an instrument of grace for another. You don't have to be a super-saint or trained seminary student to be used by God. He has given every one of us a gift. So everyone is an instrument! And to a watching world, what a beautiful reflection of the Glory of God! To be examples of God's heart here on earth! His hands and feet! A display of the Redemption, Rescue and Power of the Cross...a Gift of Ultimate Love!! God, please give me the opportunity to be a grace gift encourager to someone else!! Let me always feel Your gentle power to move any mountain in Your Name!! Forgive my laziness and unbelief! I trust You. I need You. I Love You! Bless Your Holy Name, amen."

What is your gifting? Won't you dare to ask God to be used by Him today!? You never know what the power of God can do through you! You never know who's life you will save!

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV

"Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Psalm 27:7-8, 14 ESV

Yes Lord, Your face, and Your heart, Lord, do I seek!!! 

Mountain of Fear to Cracks and Gaps

I look back now and wonder how my life could have been different if I would have walked in the freedom of The Cross, being more confident and courageous, taking risks, one willing to fail and face rejection, not only in life, but within relationships with others and especially the Lord!? Oh the pit owned by Woulda, Coulda, and Shoulda. Thank God for the Great I Am! The God of Today! The God of all the Yesterdays!!! New mercies are ours. New opportunities! New spiritual muscles to climb of Will, Can and Should to climb out of any pit we fall into!!

Over the years, the fear of rejection (from God and others) built a mountain-sized wall, rock by rock, around my heart that allowed my heart to control the flow, pouring outward, not inward. I knew how insecure, anxious, inadequate and unintelligent I was on the inside. I couldn't let anyone know how "empty" I was on the inside. Receiving any sort of recognition or praise, and even help from others felt wrong to me. If they only knew I didn't deserve it. And I wanted to be the one helping. It’s like taking the 1st Place trophy when you clearly came in 4th Place. It wasn’t right. I had a very pure heart with a genuine honesty that I absolutely could not take something that someone else deserved more, especially knowing I did not. So, the walls slowly built. Walls of pride and perfection that said, Here I am whole-heartedly...however, it's a one-way road. Picture a volcano. The stuff comes out but nothing comes in. Constantly flowing outward, nothing comes back up the mountain. It had been established there with rocky façade to make sure no one could climb in. Sure, I wanted love to come in, I am a heart-felt person, but I was afraid. Afraid they would see I didn’t deserve their friendship or gift. Fear they would see I was actually nothing, a nobody. Fear they would betray me. Fear they would make fun of me. Fear became my Protector. It was my constant Security Guard controlling the world around me. No one was permitted beyond a certain point. Satan fed me the lie that to honor God well, I had to reflect God in His perfection, sacrifice self, deny myself. He has been clever at distorting the truths of God since the beginning of time.

I prayed for the opportunity to meet others where they were and encourage them, however, no one was allowed to join me where I was. I remember when my parents announced they were getting a divorce the summer of my Sophomore year in high school, and I zipped up my upper lip, got in my car, and got busy. I stayed busy with school work and dance team. I could be found at the church every second the door was open, playing volleyball or cleaning, helping others do whatever they needed, all to keep busy. I was most certainly devastated but I didn't show it. After time, I didn't see it anymore. It was buried in lava. I remained strong and available for everyone else, and for me. They would know how strong I was if I kept smiling and it would then prove my emotional and spiritual maturity. And, I could appear "just fine" to be there to encourage them in their time of need. Oh how backwards I was!!!

 Even as I have this conversation with you, I am praying God strengthens me to be transparent in my heart's thoughts, feelings and attitudes. As heart-driven of a person I am, I still struggle with fear, even though it is to a much lesser degree than in years past. Praise The Lord!! While I am shy by nature, fear is a thorn in my side, a scar on my soul, a pit in a tiny corner of my heart. It's a wound only the pure Grace of God can heal. Walls have been built and set for many, many years. They were built high and wide to protect and block pain from entering in. I felt protected, safe and self-sufficient behind my walls. They were thick. This may not have been the healthiest way for me to avoid pain but it was the easiest.

Everyone else seemed to be bold and courageous, strong and beautiful. It just wasn’t me. I had settled into the shy girl role and was fine right there. Eventually, I also settled into the ditzy-blonde girl role given to me, accepting all the dumb blonde jokes and their implications. In the 90’s it was not easy being blonde. You either had to bounce around bubbly-dumb or spend a lot of time and energy proving people wrong which is what I attempted. Although I will admit, I never was the smartest girl in the room, I still wasn’t dumb! Over the years, I simply asked God, my very Best Friend, to fill my void of intimacy and sustain me. To be clear, God should be our most intimate relationship. He should be the One who fills our heart and spirit. I am referring to when we reject other genuine relationships. 

Surrounded by people all the time, it was such an internally lonely existence and yet all the while I was being fooled by feeling God-honoring, righteous and purposeful, that my feelings didn’t really matter, I was all about ministering to others, others needed love, joy, hope and encouragement. Not me. Besides, I had Jesus as my BFF and that’s all I needed. And, if I wanted Him to stay close to me and not leave me, because then I would really be alone, I needed to do right, act right and be selfless. Jesus is Grace! I thought grace was for everyone else, something you could earn, something you could get, something you deserved. Wrong! Grace is a gift! Jesus is Grace!

God desires us to rely on Him, trusting His judgement over our own, as we live in community with each other. God places specific people in our life to bring us closer to Him, be it us giving into their life or us receiving from them. Not every relationship will look the same and neither will it have the same dynamic as others. We cannot fully know why God brings certain people into our lives but one thing we can know, that He is in control and works all things out for our good and His glory. 

I have some friends who I think it’s a no-brainer we are friends with so much in common and just enough differences that they are a healthy sharpening, “as iron sharpens iron.” Proverbs 27:17. We need each other to grow. Then there are those “uncommon” friends who you wonder what you could possibly have in common and then all you see is God between you! We need each other to grow. Sadly, others hurt us in such a way that we learn harder life lessons, finding joy, peace, comfort and strength through sorrow, betrayal, hurts and loss. We need each other to grow. Every person touches us one way or another. We need each other to grow, and glorify the Father. What a shame to keep all the good ones out just to avoid the few painful ones. And to miss all those blessings and growth?!? We need each other! Remember, His way, His time, His glory! Our faith needs to be in the One who is ruler of this world and the spiritual world. He knows and sees everything! He is the Author of Life, beginning to end! 

Since God's rebuilding of my heart to look and function more like His, I can say that He has been sooo gracious to take down those jagged lava stones one at a time. Evidently I wasn't moving at the pace God wanted me to, so He blessed my boots off with a few Rock Climbing Sisters who relentlessly climbed on over my heavily guarded rocks! The change of Guard finally happened and My Rock replaced My Fear. Till this day, God stands guarding my heart and I know that He will only allow in what He knows to be for my good and His glory. I trust Him.

 Oh, how I wish I would have lived a life of greater trust, faith and obedience before now. And honestly, how I pray I always will. I hope I do. I plan to. I wonder how many times blessings passed me by over the years?! How often that “cool” thing could have been an “awesome” thing? I had become deceived that my feelings didn’t matter. Why did I think that? Why were my needs any less of a concern or importance than any one else’s? I believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough, others had it worse than me, I needed to be strong and prove my faith. With God by my side, surely I ought to be just fine...He is my strength, right? He is my joy, right? Yes, but those are grace enabling attributes because of The Power of The Cross. Not because I was strong or good enough. All God, none of me! 

Ministering seemed to be a way for me to compensate for my inadequacy as I tried to prove my perfection as I helped others be “perfect” and feel loved and valued. They are so precious, imagine what God could do through them if they would just know how valuable and capable they were. When I got honest with myself, I realized it was true. I hid behind all my doings, keeping busy with others, using my gifts of compassion and encouragement, which distracted me from my own issues, plus I thought I was honoring God with my gifts and my heart, "considering others better than myself." 

I guess I knew what inadequacy felt like and I didn’t want others to feel that way too. I knew how cowardly I felt and I wanted others to feel courageous and strong. My imperfect self would help others feel perfect and special. If you could see me right now, shaking my head. Writing those words down, I just cringe, shaking a spiritual fist at my younger self! Back then, my way of thinking made perfect sense in my head, but on paper, and now looking back, what twisted truths crafted into lies, molded straight from the pit of darkness. Everyone else deserves (blank) more than me. Their needs were greater. They were more worthy and had more potential to go further and I would help them do it, praying over them, doing life and Bible study with their interest and soul in mind. Never mind me. I was fine with Jesus as my BFF. What more did I need!?! Grace! That's what I needed! And eventually a holy spanking to knock that non-sense outa me!  

Becoming a Mom only made matters worse! The "suck it up" part of parenting kicks in, the "lead by example" pressure is high. Following all the world's expectations of raising a "law abiding citizen with manners and a perfect outfit"...my wanting a perfect life just got harder....the fears, lies, hopes, and expectations only rooted deeper. 

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda…here I am now and there is absolutely nothing any of us can do to change the paths that have already been walked. We can, however, choose today, to take a new path! Thank God we can begin a new direction on the road of forgiveness, grace and redemption! Praise God for His mercies that are new each and every morning! So, how am I different now? I am still shy at heart, that's just how God molded me in my demeanor, but I am not hidden or afraid. I acknowledge my gift of encouragement from the Lord and I walk in His strength and abilities to do it as I always have, however, I don't hide behind my own hurts, insecurities and failures in order to love on others. It is because of my own hurts that I can understand theirs. I pray my imperfections highlight the perfection of a Saving God! Through all my cracks and gaps, I pray others see Jesus. If they judge me, hurt me, betray me, belittle me, I trust the Guard of my heart to take care of them on my behalf! And He will take care of me just as He promises He will. Thank You Lord for my perfectly imperfect life!!! 

May I take a moment and tell you how precious you are to the Lord?! You may not feel precious in your life and you may be desperate for validation and assurance that you are worthy of Grace. Let me tell you, from someone who wondered the same things, YES! Yes, you already are. Even in your mistakes. Even in the midst of crisis. Even when you make poor choices. Even when your heart wrongfully is led by pride, perfection and even a twisted truth of righteousness. You are deeply, unconditionally, loved and Grace can set you free if you will just climb out of your pit, or off your mountain, whichever place you find yourself!! Dig out of there and into The Word of God. You will not know the lies until you know The Truth. Read it for the sake of wisdom and discernment but for the sake of grace, be truth and love to yourself and others! He knows your heart. He gave it to you!! 

 "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in Him, "If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, 

and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 

John 8:31-32 ESV.

“Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness to see me through my immature and selfish, fearful days. Create in me a clean heart O Lord, day after day. Grant me renewed boldness, honesty and spirit led determination to work out my salvation to bring You glory.  May You always be the Guard over my heart, my soul and my mind that fear will have no room. God, I still ask you to completely remove the thorn in me that I would be fully free. I know I am nothing and I am undeserving of Your amazing grace gift, but Lord, I accept it and thank You with a humble heart who's eyes are set on You! I acknowledge my imperfections Lord and am so grateful that You certainly are my strength, all I need! May others see the image of Your beauty within me. It is my desire that You so fill me up that all others can see is You. Consume me from the inside out. Burn away all the lies and saturate me with Your truth! Remind us in our weak moments Lord that You are near. Thank You for sending Rock Climbers into our lives to reach our core. Help us to encourage each other from genuine hearts that are open and honest too. May we never seem perfect to others but rather, help them to see the You, the only Perfect One!!  “Better is one day in Your house than thousands others!” Psalm 94:10 Amen!

“Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to Your love remember me, for You are good, O Lord.” Psalms 25:4-7