It's Time...ahhhhhh!

FINALLY!!!!! A day that I didn't HAVE to go anywhere. My husband and the two big boys joined a group of men from our church for the opening day of Dove Season this weekend, so it was just me and the two little ones. It was sooooo quiet and relaxed. I could have cuddled up at any moment and fell asleep with them in my arms. It was a good day to say the least. The weather was beautiful and we did get out in it for a bit, but we intentionally enjoyed just locking ourselves in for rest and relaxation.

Since baseball season and football season began, we are constantly on the GO! And we knew it ahead of time, so I am not complaining and I am not feeling overwhelmed...I just felt ready for rest...a big rest!! One that involved me in my pj's all day!!!!

I was reminded of the verses in Ecclesiastes that say there is a time for everything. So true! As with any thing we face, there must be both "working out" and "resting in." When you are training physically, instructors recommend you trade muscles groups as well as days of working out so that your muscles can rest and rebuild themselves. When you are studying, you must take a break so that your mind can "breathe", soaking in what you've learned, your eyes can rest and get up and walk around as your body needs to switch positions. So, what about spiritually? What about serving? What about ministering to others?

Spiritually, there are plenty of scriptures that mention working out your salvation, study, prepare, put on, be ready, build up...and there are plenty that say Be still, peace, trust, hope, think on, pray, listen...I think there is a balance here too and it would be easy to do one or the other of these excessively. It seems that our culture is an "all or nothing people." It would be easy to fall into the trap of work, serve, read, study, share, tell...work, serve, read, study, share, tell. But when about a Sabbath? What about resting and thinking and waiting and listening? What about being ministered to rather than ministering? Being encouraged rather than encouraging another? What about asking for prayer rather than saying it?

No, I am not saying that it is better to be served and selfish, "it's all about me." Neither are we to work without end. There must be a balance. We should both be eager to pray, encourage, mentor, share, help, give, study, serve as well as receive prayer, encouragement, mentorship, listening, receiving helps and instruction. We should study His Word, and then listen for His instruction. We should worship and pray, and then listen for His movement. We should serve and encourage others, and then be willing to be served and encouraged ourselves.

How long has it been since you sat still before the Lord? In the stillness of these quiet moments, my mind is still, my body is rested and my spirit can only whisper, " Sweet Jesus."

Take time to honestly look where you are at and see if you are balanced. Are you all about others? Are you all about you? Are you doing all the talking with God? Are you even talking to Him anymore, just waiting for Him to prove Himself to you?

I am so thankful that God called me out of my busyness and said to settle in. I wouldn't have probably done it otherwise. Oh, sweet Jesus, my saving Grace.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, 

a time to plant and a time to uproot,  

a time to kill and a time to heal, 

a time to tear down and a time to build,  

a time to weep and a time to laugh, 

a time to mourn and a time to dance,  

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,  

a time to search and a time to give up, 

a time to keep and a time to throw away,  

a time to tear and a time to mend, 

a time to be silent and a time to speak,  

a time to love and a time to hate, 

a time for war and a time for peace.  

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men.  

He has made everything beautiful in its time. What God has done from beginning to end. He has also set eternity in the 

hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom." Ecc 3: 1-11

 

I need to be a little more "Bad"

Homework Journaling:

The question is "Is there one truth from these that you would like to put into practice this week? If so, what insight would you like to apply?"

As you already know, although the bondage of fear has been broken (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!), fear is my personal weakness: fear of "what if", rejection, making a mistake, being hurt (both physical and emotional). For most of my life, my thoughts have been critical, analytical and yet balanced. I have always been able to see both sides and yet, fear has always been my deciding factor in making a decision. Our thoughts have a HUGE impact on what we do from the smallest of details to the big decisions in our life. From what will I wear, will I fail, who will know, what will they say, what if I am wrong, and the biggest fear of all~will I disappoint God, if I mess up, will He still love me?

I have a sweet friend who is my "Mentor in Crime." We are a great balance! She is assertive and confident and I am meeker. When we have had the opportunity to counsel or mentor another woman, I was the Good Cop and she was the Bad Cop. I was too "Good." She would say what I wished I was saying. I am thinking "what I'd really like to say is..." but the words didn't flow out. It made me nervous (fearful) to speak so bodly. But why? When I know what someone needs to hear, both love & encouragement and correction & truth in love that may be painful to hear....fear creeps in and I play it safe. Yes, I have said things that clearly GOD put in my mouth and I am shocked myself, however, more common is the gentle answer.

I know, I know, God will direct words and He does, but I fight my flesh. Satan does not want me to say what needs to be said, because we must assume that all our divine appointments are from Him, for His purpose, to draw the person in need closer to Him and we have been given that moment to Shine Light in the darkness. I also know that doesn't call all of us to be the assertive, confrontation, show no mercy type either. I recognize my "type" is quiet, meek, listening, compassion, mercy, empathy, nurturing, encouraging. But there must be a Balance; and my Mentor Sister has it. Her confidence in Christ is reflective of her love for Him. She listens, draws truths, thoughts, reasons out and then applies biblical truths confidently, boldly, assured, directly to the heart and spirit that are necessary for healing, ultimately moving them closer to Christ. I am BLESSED to have been given such awesome mentors over the years!! Cherished and precious gifts!! 

So, after reading through this lesson, with my "Good, "I want to be more "Bad." I want boldness, with might, proclaiming the truths of God, even when others reject it, no matter, being true to God trumps my feelings, insecurities and insight. Spirit trumps Flesh. GOD trumps Satan!!!!!

I wish I had time to write out all the scriptures, but I encourage you to dig into Deuteronomy and hear what He has to say to YOU!!!

To my Bad Cop, I am so thankful for you!!!! You've made me stronger. You've helped me see the way fear has affected my witness, and I fear failing Him, I fear not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say...blah blah blah...so I will work on being 'Bad." Thanks for showing me what that looks like!! I will always be "Good" but looking forward to a little more "Bad."

Thankful for Balance. Thankful for a just God. Thankful for a God whom I can trust to lead, guide and direct me, working through all my weakness. Praying I will always move out of the way for truth and love!!! God be the glory, in all I do, in word or deed. Praying to be Bad.

My Study Today: God of Mercy

Today I was reflecting on Deuteronomy 4:27-31 and my heart fell on the ground of grace.

"And the Lord will scatter you among the peoples,and you will be left few in number among the nations where the Lord will drive you. 28 And there you will serve gods of wood and stone, the work of human hands, that neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell. 

29 But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find Him, if you search after Him with all your heart 

and with all your soul.  

30 When you are in tribulation, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey His voice. 31 For the Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not leave you or destroy you or forget the covenant with your fathers that He swore to them."

Isn't that awesome news even for us today?! When we make our mess, choose our own ways, we end up in places we don't want to be, dealing with things we don't want to deal with, feeling lost and alone. (To be clear- we are in tribulation because we made choices to get there as in this case or God places us there-as in Job's life, as a refining moment. Either way, we all go through tribulations. There's lots of ways in but only one way out!!)

Sometimes God will scatter us (physically or emotionally) so that we are left searching for divine fellowship, fulfillment and encounter. As we wonder seemingly aimless, we can feel lost and sometimes even abandoned, in our wilderness journey. But, He is still there with us. Sometimes the only way God can get our undivided attention is to make us "be alone." I realize now, in hindsight, as usual for me, how important it is to get away from life as we know it and get alone where we are forced to rely solely on Christ for our friendship, counsel, encouragement and correction. It's sooo easy to bounce between others and ourselves to figure out what's happening in our life but clearly God wants to be our All in All. Our Everything. Mighty Counselor. Price of Peace. The Way and The Why and The How. He is I Am.

Is He enough for you? Is He just the End of the Night Guy to run your problems by in hopes a miracle will be delivered by morning's light? OUCH!!! Meeee tooooo!!!! 

Years ago, I never would have admitted that was me and truthfully, I am not even sure that I realized I was doing it. I LOVED the Lord and He was my Best Friend who had walked me alongside me through many trials, but maybe He was only my Good Listener, the One Who Heard My Tears Fall in the middle of the night, and I know He had saved me from the pit of Hell because I had placed my trust in Him as Lord and Savior of my Life. But what about living out my daily life? What about trusting Him with actually handling the details, trials, carrying my tears for me, fixing what was broken? I was a wondering girl trying to control what wasn't, and isn't, mine to control.

Just a few years ago, as you know, once again, I found myself scattered, going where I didn't want to go and when I had nothing left, I picked my face off the ground, climbed out of the pit and looked up. And I found Him, still there, watching and waiting for me. My Only. "But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find Him, IF YOU SEARCH AFTER HIM WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL."

Maybe this is you too? Are you facing tribulations right now? Do you feel abandoned, scattered, alone? Turn to Him now! Seek after HIM and not the answers and reasons or the most popular method. Find Him first and He will lead you the way to everlasting, into a Promised land with Him. "For the Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not leave you!"

Heavenly Father, My Only I Am,

Thank You for your faithfulness. My spirit is in awe as I consider the endless grace You shed on me. My heart rejoices in Your steadfastness and yet feels soooo unworthy of Your great Love for such as me. I am not worthy of something so precious. Thank You Lord Jesus for the gift of unmerited favor and grace that covers Your children. Help me to seek earnestly after You, daily, Lord, that I will not find myself scattered, but resting and trusting in Your sovereignty and outstretched arms. Cause my heart to be sensitive and obedient to Yours.

God, bring people and circumstances into our lives that will mentor and teach us how to faithfully follow You who sharpen our iron, our Sword of the Spirit! Thank You for those precious few that You have already BLESSED me with who have shined Your Light in my dark places, illuminating YOU!! Bless and keep them.

Revive Your children. Remove all hindrances that keep us from coming to Your embrace. Help us seek You FIRST. Forgive us. Cleanse us. Receive our love.

In Amazed Grace, amen.

My Homework Assignment

No, I am not back in formal school, as I wish that I was, it's not the season for me to return yet. My family is my main ministry focus as well as where I am and as I go. My quiet time with the Lord are a balance between intentional study of the Word, worship, listening/meditating, and praying. For now, the classes I attend are within my church. God has BLESSED our church with awesome Godly women and I am eternally thankful for their faithfulness to heed their call to mentor to those of us ready and eager to be intentionally taught more about our Lord.

This week began a new study under such a mentor. It is the study of Deuteronomy. Because of our Fall family calendar between school, sports and life, I will not be able to attend every Tuesday night as I wish I could but I will be there when the calendar allows. I signed up for the class to continue on in the study of Deuteronomy and keep the accountability of scripture memory and study of the Word with others, even if it is through email, I know we will see each other once a week so I am still accountable in the hallways or throughout the week for "Pop Quizes." 

What makes this study different than others is there is MAJOR accountability. As much as it makes me cringe, I also know I need it. Not only do we have to know it, but we have to SAY it....in class...infront of others. YIKES!!! There was a day years ago I would have dropped out of the class for the sheer terror of having to get up infront of the class and stumble through. But I tell ya, there was a HUGE relief to tighten up the bootstraps and stick it through. The other girls were just as nervous as me. They made a few mistakes, just like me. They wanted to get it right, just like me. Okay, so I am normal?! (Don't answer that~ that's a whole other blog!!)

So, other than the scripture memory, we were also asked to journal our thoughts or revelations as we study through Deuteronomy and she said us Bloggers could blog it and since I have been wanting to get back with consistency in here, this was a great place to start. I am really looking forward to writing again.

If you want to join me, our scripture memory for this upcoming Tuesday is: "'I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. "'You shall have no other gods before me. " Deut 5:6-7

OH BOY!!!! Lessons already learned: we can become so familiar with something that we miss it altogether. I was planning on blogging about a revelation I had in my first day of study, but just as I was typing out the verse above, God said "STOP and SEE!" It took me a minute or two and then I saw it...a mistake...my scripture did not match my bible. So, I grabbed my bookmark, my bible and the bible application and could not believe I didn't catch this mistake. I have NO IDEA how in the world it happened, maybe just for this lesson alone (sorry it also affects 6 others) but somehow I copied the First Commandment in NIV and the rest is done correctly in ESV. UGH!! First, how in the world did the 2 translations mix? Second, I went over and over it to proofread and I didn't even catch the very first Commandment? I feel horrible. I don't like making mistakes especially when it affects others. So, I will quickly get the word out and remake the bookmarks before the next class.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for Your Grace that covers every crack and fills every hole within me. As screwed up as I am, You still reign. I still belong to You. Your mercies and compassions are new every single day. It is only through making mistakes that I learn humility. Through making mistakes that I learn how to forgive. Father God, my perfectionisms are centered NOT on my glory but Yours. I NEVER EVER want to shine a poor light on YOU!!!! My greatest fear is misrepresenting You. Help me to walk in the Grace You give and not "quit all" for fear of failing, but walk in confidence that "Through It All, You are Faithful" and forgiving. You are the God of Patience and Forgiveness. Thank You for loving me enough to see me struggle so that I can draw closer to You. Whatever it takes Lord, refine me in grace! Amen.

Potty PaRty!!

 

No Ordinary Toilet ~ It's My PaRty Potty!!

Yes, you heard me correctly...this is a picture of My PaRty Potty! It has been over 2 years since I had my PaRty and it was such a sweet joy to come back to this place. As you know, December 2008 was certainly not my favorite season. When the initial panic attacks began, I was prescribed Xanax to take "as needed." Well, I HATE taking pills otherthan my vitamins. I am a minimalist I suppose. I had several people tell me they would take half a pill now and then after a tough day, and one nurse even said she takes one before each of her son's football games to help her relax!! It seemed like a simple and common thing to do for many.

This was NOT a happy pill for me, nor was it the "quick-fix" I was sooooo desperately seeking. It made me drag (not relax), and my heart continued to race. I would take it knowing in 30 minutes I'd be laying down seemingly taking a nap, but I wasn't. I was vegged out, out of it. My mind still raced with panic and yet my body was "done." After 12 hours, when it wore off, my body would amp right back up, almost worse, with my heart palpitating and my mind whirling, causing me to need to take the other half. When Day 2 came around, I saw how this cycle would be one without an end. I would not be able to stop. Not because I liked it but I feared the cycle of having to have it would not end and I was not willing to keep taking these. I was miserable, exhausted and saddened that my "quick-fix" was failing me.

I suppose like many things in our life, unless you have personally walked in the shoes, it's hard to understand it and this was so with the few friends and family close to me. They reminded me how patient of a person I was, that all would be okay, I just needed to take deep breaths, recognize the truth of the matter during any given episode, I needed to remember God loves me and that I was strong. These were all things I would say too. However, looking back, I believe God clearly allowed me to have an adverse response to the pill so that it wouldn't be my fix....HE wanted to be my fix. 

You know I was crying out to God every moment of every day to fix me, take this from me. I did know He loved me and I did know that the sky was not falling, and did know that the plane wasn't (odds are-heehee) going to crash...He was waiting for me. I was searching for His rescue and help, but He wanted me to search for Him. This goes very deep and wide for me, so I pray that God will just speak to your heart what He may desire for you to know, I could write forever on every single thing that came from this season. 

SO...I decided that I would never take the pills again and I would simply trust God to fix me, breathe deep and trust myself to handle the moments. However, I didn't toss the pills. I kept them as "back up" and "Plan B." I mean, I had prayed and begged Him to fix me and He hadn't so, I better have them just in case I was in a moment that needed intervention. Or, being totally honest, if Grace didn't come, if God didn't show up, I could take care of it somewhat. How this must have grieved Him in those fearful fits of mine. It was my flesh crying out and not my spirit.

I soon fell under great conviction. I knew that I was holding on to them because I wasn't fully trusting God. I did not have control over God but I did have control over Me, so I had my plan. I had what would be sufficient for me. So, I kept them in my purse, just in case...my little security blanket to fall back on. I knew I wasn't trusting Him fully and completely. This had nothing to do with how much I love my God, I just didn't trust Him as much as I loved Him. The boundaries of my relationship with the Lord at that time was simply Lord my Savior for my salvation and Best Friend to the lonely. I didn't fully understand that He could be, wanted to be, soooo much more. 

God began to reveal to me His awareness of my secret thoughts. I knew God knew our very thoughts, but in the midst of confusion, it's so easy to justify and excuse our way. "It was just in case I had to...." The teacher has called out His student. The Father has chastised His child. I once was lost and know I had been found. I was blind, then I could see. The pills had to go. Not because I didn't want them but because they were my mini-God, the magic in a bottle, my little wishes I had power to grant myself instead of trusting my God for grace in perfect portion for the moment. After some wrestling and fighting and eventual confession in my heart, mind and spirit, I let it go, ashamed, embarrassed and fearful but by faith knowing God would be my rescue because I had come to know Him in a way that I knew that I knew He'd be ALL I ever needed.

I called up my mentor at the time and we emptied the bottle into our hands and praised Jesus as we tossed them into the potty. What freedom!! I was no longer able to rely on self any more. I handed Jesus my body, mind and soul in that moment. He became my very help in the time of trouble. He became my Breath. He became my desperate answer. He became my greatest Love. He was faithful and forgiving, of this Doubting Peter and frightful Peter. HE was now Plan A thru Z for me. HE was now EVERYTHING!!! 

I admit my first thought was, "Oh no and Oh yah! What have I done??? and Look what HE has done!!! AMEN!!" I'd like to be able to say (in my pride) that I prayed and trusted and let go of my cares, but when you are in the middle of crashing and consuming waves, you cannot help but be frightened. Yes, there was peace but it equaled the amount of trust I had. The more I trusted Him, the more peace I received. It was a process. It's almost as if I took what I needed instead of receiving all He had to give. Oh, the lessons we learn when we cross the bridge to the other side of "Whatever!"

So, this potty is my living (ceramic) stone. Recently, my bible study homework was to recall the people, places, circumstances that have been significant in our life, drawing us closer to Christ. Then I read Joshua 4, and there was my stone! I knew it as soon as I laid my eyes on it. God IS faithful!! In our journey to Him, not only do we have the counsel of the Holy Spirit whom He has sent us, not only are we covered and spoken for, but He is kind enough to also give us each other~ The Body. God sends His hugs, love, help, blessings, reminders, encouragement and admonishment through our interactions with others. Oh how grateful I am to look down my journey road and see the many shoe prints along this path. Some are still fresh while others have faded, but the imprints are still there. The impact (good or bad) we have on eachother is eternal, it's more than just for the moment. God's seeds take root. His Light fills the longest and darkest crevices of our innermost being.

Do you have any "secrets" you think you are keeping from God? Do you have any of your own mini-Gods in your back pocket? It takes a huge bite of humble pie to confess this but we first must be willing to look honestly inside our heart, mind, soul and spirit. Then we must lay all pride aside and humble ourself before our Lord and Mighty King and confess, asking for forgiveness. Healing will come when we exchange our way for His way. And the hardest lesson I had to learn was that healing may not come as I have asked, begged or had a fit for. His faithfulness prevails and His provisions are endless, His glory and our good will result according to His perfect plan. I believe He can heal upon a single request. I also believe that He will not heal us in a single breath if there is a journey we need to take along a different path than the one we are looking at so that we will move closer to Him as well as allowing our testimony to be a living stone/testimony, drawing others to Him.

This is my constant prayer, that God will grant me courage to share my living stones with others, so that when you see them, you see The Rock, not the girl.

Maybe you need to set out some stones, marked remembrances. Our Pastor spoke about journaling just this past Sunday on the great blessings of journaling His faithfulness so that in the midst of the storms, we will remember that The One who holds the wind, rain and waves in His grip, also holds us. Trust Him. Look back and see the shoe prints. Look ahead to His promises. Look next to you, there may be a new set of shoes!!

PS. We ALL go through tough times, so be encouraged that while you may feel alone and ashamed, you are surrounded by Love. Reach out to your Abba Daddy and Lord of All, the Great I Am and He will send rescue, not to fix you, but bring you back home to Him. Whether in this life or in Glory, healing will come.

***Sidenote: to be clear- do not hear me saying something I am not. If you are taking meds, that doesn't mean you are not trusting God. If you are taking meds, it is not a sin issue. Only you know through the revelation of the Holy Spirit if the meds are in place of God. If they are your mini-Gods, to avoid facing reality and God fully and completely. Sometimes we need the meds to balance us chemically so that we may be at a physical rest to receive emotional and spiritual rest, healing, counsel and ultimately, to hear the voice of God amongst the noise. We just cannot let our meds act in the place of God, our Healer and Counselor, Redeemer an Rescue.

"Rock On" everyone!!!!!  

Michele

"And Joshua said to them, "Pass on before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' 7 then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." Joshua 4:5-7

"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." I Peter 4:19

It's Something!

There are two types of people: those who are courageous and bold and others who wish they were; those who are go-getters and others who are wishers. Those who think they can, exuding passion, strength, fearlessness, courage, energy and trust. They believe they can. They trust themselves (and God is a Believer.) Then, there are those of us who wish they could be like "them." We don't believe. We don't trust.

For those of you who know me well, you know I am the fearful one, not one of "them." However, on my journey with the Lord over the past few years, I understand that He loves me and needs me to trust Him. If I am going to please Him, share His glory with others, fight the good fight, defeat the enemy, rely on Him to heal, receive His provisions, encourage others in Him, then I MUST trust Him. 

Unlike so many that believe they are fabulous and awesome, I identify myself as weak, insignificant, cowardly and anxious; HOWEVER, because I choose to TRUST Him with my life, I am trusting HIM to be The Strength in my weakness, My Passion in my confusion, My Healer in my body, mind and soul, My Victor in my battles. I choose to trust Him.

Of course, I wish I could snap my fingers and be Superwoman- a woman of faith and strength doing all things perfectly...who wouldn't? Maturity and wisdom are built by time, patience, experience, knowledge. Just as my 4 year old cannot comprehend everything my 14 year can, we cannot fully comprehend all things about God either. It's a process. Learning is never-ending. (I am not saying we cannot learn the things of God, rather, we cannot know or understand all things about God.)

I have prayed for courage for years and in some areas of my life now, I do feel courageous and I know I am acting in courage, but I feel more cowardly than brave. As I reflected on this recently, God showed me the process. Just because I am not as courageous as I think I ought to be, I am in fact courageous. (That was r e a l  l y  hard to type.) The depth and width of it will grow as I grow in Him. In fact, the more I trust Him, the more courage I have for my Strength is from and in Him, not self. If I continue to rely on my own efforts and strengths, then weakness and fear will continue to fill me as that is all I am in my own accord. I am nothing. He is my everything.

Just a few years ago, in what I call my Season of Hell, simply the sound of a plane brought me to panic. I prayed for courage. At the time I didn't believe it to be, but that was courageous...believing that I could overcome the fear and panic. It was baby steps: we live under a flight path for our airport and yes, I considered moving so that I didn't have to be tortured by the 2 min cycle that continued hour after hour, day after day. I choose to believe God would heal, so I remained in courage. I sure didn't feel courageous. I felt horribly weak, insecure and ridiculous. Then, I began to stare my fear in the face and not coward back inside. I would stand outside on my patio and with spiritual hands on my hips, bow up to that plane. I took the stand to trust (God) and win one battle in the war. Eventually, I would be courageous enough to park outside the airport and watch the planes fly just over me before landing, to driving through the airport parking lot, to parking and going inside (this was HUGE in victory), to one day, actually boarding a plane and remaining in it!! Oh, to GOD be the Glory!!!!

I know, believe me, this sounds incredibly ridiculous, it does not even seem real to me...and we are talking about me!!!! (Hence, the Season of Hell.) It's taking e v e r y t h i n g  I have not to delete this blog right now, but I pray that me choosing to trust God with all things Me, not self, He will use this to encourage someone facing their Hell. Praise His compassionate and beautiful Name! AMEN!!!!!

I am happy and thankful to say that with Christ's courage,  I have flown in a small 4 passenger plane (crazy to be in something you feel could be remote controlled-haha); flown out of the country to Honduras (another big fear conqured); flown to the NW for 5 hours to Seattle, Washington, travelling another 2 hours by boat and car to some islands. Aside from the fear of flying that had consumed me for this season (yes, I have flown my entire life and never had issues, other than just being nervous about flying), I also feared leaving my safe place, my town, (I think it's a form of agoraphobia), I had made the decision I would just always remain here where all things were controlled, known...so travelling by plane or car or boat, was incredibly frightening. HOWEVER, once again. God met me right where I was in that process and carried me from "Glory to Glory" (LOVE that song). Our family has made a 16 hour drive to Angelfire, NM, another 18 hour drive to Colorado and just last week, a 23 hour drive to the Florida Keys. Praise Him!!!! How exciting, I know. Unless you have been here, you can't understand and you'll think this is crazy. Believe me, I felt crazy at the time. Fearing something I have done for 37 years and here I was celebrating the first mile flying, driving...crazy! 

THAT is courage, but no more courageous than the day I chose to stand on my patio and stare down that first plane.

In ALL things, 

Christ is our Strength, Rock, Refuge, Courage, Peace, Passion, Victory....our cause and our reason. 

HE is the reason I fly. HE is the reason I travel. 

HE is the reason I share. 

To GOD be the Glory. 

May He be lifted up.

Our Hope & Encouragement:

7 "  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power 

is from God and not from us.

 

8 We are hard pressed on every side, 

but NOT crushed; 

perplexed, but NOT in despair;  

9 persecuted, but NOT abandoned; 

struck down, but NOT destroyed." 

15 "All this is for your benefit, 

so that the grace that is reaching 

more and more people 

may cause thanksgiving to 

overflow to the glory of God.  

16 Therefore we do NOT lose heart. 

Though outwardly we are wasting away, 

yet inwardly we ARE being renewed 

day by day. " 

17 "For our light and momentary troubles ARE achieving for us 

an eternal glory that FAR outweighs them all.  

18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. 

 

For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL. "

II Corinthians 4

" Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Am I? Good question!

I don't know WHAT this is...mid-life crisis? Identity crisis? God's refining? God's molding? Hmmm, maybe a crisis to make me ask the Lord, "Yes Sir? You called?"

There sure has been a lot of searching and asking and thinking in this "fearfully and wonderfully made" mind of mine recently. Am I the only one that goes through these seasons? You look at yourself every day in the mirror and then it happens...one day you don't recognize who you are. Are you who you have always been? Are you who others say you are? Are you that fearful, insecure and arrogant pre-teen from years ago? The stubborn strong willed, self-righteous one? The know it all? OR the cowardly, insecure, hurting, bitter, worrying, lonely one no one would notice missing if you weren't here?

Aren't our thoughts powerful? It is our thoughts that control and dictate our behaviors and actions. I was talking with some girlfriends last night about my 11 year old son who is currently going through classes to be SCUBA certified. Needless to say, I am nervous for his safety but also so excited for him to experience something surreal....if he passes!!! If I am real honest, I would say I am anxious that he will become anxious and end up making poor choices, immature choices. Another opportunity for God to remind me who is in control. Not me!!! Certainly, not me! HE is.

My friend asked me if I was SCUBA certified too. I hesitated but confidently said, "I am." My husband certified soon after we met and I was too nervous so I always snorkeled above him. That was okay with me. You can still experience so much just by getting your face in the beautiful waters. It is a whole other world down there, very serene and embracing of your senses. We hardly had anything in-common hobby-wise, and I wanted to, so I did in 2002. I passed. I was nervous, yes!!! Okay, maybe triple yes!!! But I did it and can claim the rightful title of being a SCUBA Diver.

Why did I hesitate in answering Yes? It's a simple answer. Either you are or are not certified to SCUBA. Well, as you know, 2008 was the year God began to wave His patient Warning flags to me that He needed my attention back. Our anniversary is in January, so we took off for a dive trip to Belize. Unfortunately, the winds were unusually gusty but we went out anyway. Underwater, it is normally still....not that day! We were at 60ft or so and even the foliage was swaying back and forth. Visibility was minimal too probably from the churning of the waters shaking up the ocean floor. My stomach began to feel queasy as I rocked and rolled down there. Ugh!! Once of my fears is choking on water during a dive, eventhough it had never happened to me til that point, someone with a bondage of fear always waits for "this time is it." 

You can't practice throwing up in your regulator, but it is discussed in class that people have done it and it goes right out, no choking, no problem. What?!? I did NOT want to throw up and yet I couldn't just hop up and do it. So, for the remaining 45 minutes, I took deep breaths and was able to work through the anxiety attacks that would roll through me every 5 minutes. My thoughts were focused on what if I can't keep it down, I can't see much around me, what if we get carried away, what if I can't keep it down and choke and freak out and......ahhhh!!!!!! It was frightening and I was DONE!!! Maybe forever, didn't declare it there, but that was a good probability!

SO, am I a SCUBA Diver.....technically, yes. Will I ever do it again??? Have I chosen to step away from that title and privilege??? Good questions. But I can say with confidence and truth, I am a SCUBA Diver. 

So, back to this "crisis," I am wondering What Am I.....? Who Am I....? My mentor and friend that I am currently studying under sent this email out this week. Read this: 

Good Morning God’s Chosen One,

Wow, does that greeting make you feel special?  Do you believe you are “God’s chosen one”?  How is your week going?  Do you feel “holy and beloved”?  Regardless of how you are “feeling” this morning I want to encourage you to walk each step today in Truth....relying on what you know to be truth whether it “seems” to be or not.  Today I encourage you to hold your head high as you remember fact one – you are God’s chosen one....YOU....God has a plan just for you and without you His plan is missing a piece.  Be careful to walk in obedience today to His leading of your steps and not your own.  Fact two – You are “holy” - regardless of what you “said” or “did” yesterday that might prove otherwise, the fact is; you are “holy”.  Not because of anything you or I did, but because of Christ’s love for us and through the covering of His shed blood.  Oh, sister, that fact alone encourages me to toil (Col. 1:29) harder today to be more like Him. Fact three – You are a “beloved” one of the Creator of the universe, of the Most High God, of the King of kings and the Lord of lords!!!!  Shout “Hallelujah” with me!!  The truth is; no matter how you feel this morning, you are LOVED,  you are BELOVED, you are GREATLY LOVED!!!!

Okay....so now that we have the “facts” straight.... : )  How are you doing in your walk?


Somedays I feel as though I must dig and dig and dig some more until I find that nugget from Him. Then there are messages sent through others, songs, sermons, random places and ways that are Claritin Clear!! haha

SO, Who I am is who GOD says I am, not what I think. Not what others think. Not even what I hope to be. I am simply, ME! Here I am mature in many ways, immature in many ways, goofy, serious, a Mom a Wife a Daughter a Friend.....a Daughter of THE King!!!!!! There is NO DOUBT why we are to live in fellowship with each other and especially surrounding ourselves with others Believers in our life so that God can touch our spirits to "admonish and encourage" one anothers. I am thankful to have been reminded of the facts. I pray that in word and deed, I go where He says, do what He says...in confidence and with assurance of the truth engraved in me! I have the title of Daughter of the King.

What lies are YOU being tempted to believe? What truths are true for YOU? Stand up and walk in Holy Truth! If you don't like what ugly things are true about you, we are ALL sinners that needing to be cleansed by Him, then change them. It was true that I was bound by fear, but the truth was that God is LOVE and fear was a lie I had to get rid of. Our sin is true, in that it is there, so get rid of it and put on Truth!!!!

STOP THE LIES!!!!! YOU ARE....I AM......LOVED, HOLY and yes, even BEAUTIFUL to our Creator!! AMEN!!!!!

" Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience; bearing with one another."  Colossians 3:12-13a

Bitter, Angry, Dry Grass

What kind of grass do YOU have? I know, weird question huh? And I am NOT referring to "illegal" grass...haha, just to clarify!! Needless to say, this season in my life demands that most of my time and energy spent on keeping the inside of my house clean, organized and alive. Not the case of the outside of the house. I water, feed, nurture, plant seeds and keep a close eye out for "bugs" within the walls of my home, speciafically in the yards of my children. God has blessed us with this home therefore, we need to be good stewards of it and I think we do, but the yard is not one of the beautiful things we own. My ministry is inside.

After living here for nearly 6 years, we finally made the decision to replace the front yard's "grass." Well, the problem was there actually wasn't any grass. It was all weed. Thankfully it was green, but none the less, it was weeds. With weeds comes prickles, burrs, ant beds, thorns, etc. It was never a lawn to roll around on or even walk on barefoot. 

With every weekend full of "something" we made the decision to hire a crew to get it done for us one Saturday morning. You have no idea the joy it has been to walk carefree in our front yard. Sounds silly, but when you've had such an issue for long, it's nice to remove "the thorn in your side". It feels healthy. It is freeing!!

We are blessed with a huge backyard, compared to the rest of the neighborhood but with it comes the challenge we also struggle with~ watering the entire back yard, and yes, it is the same weed-filled landscape, full of thorns and burrs amongst the weeds. Our city has been in a severe drought therefore even our weeds are now crsipy. They have called for water conservation, so our water has only been towards the front yard's new grass and tree. We have not watered the backyard for a few weeks now. It is dead and boy does it hurt! (No one would dare walk on it freely, you must be geared up!!)

Yes, our back yard "grass" hurts. It is very crsipy and it hurts the soles of your feet to walk on. However, the front yard is lush and beautiful, a welcoming site. It's like walking into two completely different lands. There is green and lush and yellow and brittle. Where would you choose to spend time? Where would you feel most comfortable? Notice my neighbor's grass...whose yard are you drawn to? Me too!!!

Here are the two applications God taught me thru my grass:

1.) To have a healthy soil/soul, you must consistently receive Living Water, the source of Life.

2.) In order to be an effective witness, drawing others to Him, our yards must be welcoming. 

If I do not receive the Source of Living Water to nourish me, I will become dry, brittle, crisp, harsh, dead. I would certainly not be a welcoming site for others. Nothing dead can produce life. Only Life can breed Life.

Questions: 

Are you intentionally seeking out and consistently drawing on God's Living water~ through His Word, His Love, through others He places in your path?

Do you have a yard full of weeds: attitude, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, laziness, pride, insecurity? 

Are you a welcoming place for others or do they feel the need to avoid or gear up just to get near you? It may be time to dig it all up and start again with a clean slate so that others, as well as yourself walk no longer in pain! You are ultimately hurting your own sole/soul.

Is it time to remove some thorns that have been ailing you for too long? Not all thorns can be removed quickly and God may even see fit that a few remain for a season. Romans 8:28 In His timing, He will prune. You just be willing, and ready to do some yard work!

Father God,

Nurturer, Provider and Protector of my soul, cleanse me from all that hinders life in me, bind it and cast it far. I'm so thirsty for You and crave Your Life. Fill me overflowing so that my spirit, mind and heart can pour out from the overflow into the life of another, giving them nourishment from You too. Forgive the days I choose not to drink from Your well and rely on my own way. I acknowledge You are my only Source. Fill me, cleanse me, prune me, heal me, replenish and grow me. My hope is in You, my Strength and Shield. Lord, would You bless us with a revival in dry land. Praise Your Mighty Hands, amen.

Losing a Child : Miscarriage Mom

Have you ever lost a child?

Maybe through a pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage?

An unexpected quick ending of life, due to an illness, accident or intentional death?

It's hard to explain how a part of your heart dies too. Personally, I have had 3 miscarriages over the course of my Mommyhood. My first son was born in 1997, born 1 week early, weighing 8lbs 4ozs. Nearly 2 years later, I experienced a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was heartbreaking, of course. Just a few weeks later, I found myself, nervously pregnant again and had the joy to meet another son, born 2 weeks early, weighing in at 8lbs 1oz in 1999. In 2001, I lost yet another pregnancy at 11 weeks as well as another at 13 weeks in 2003. I sure have a LOT of questions for God!!

With fear, insecurity and perfectionism being such a huge part of who I was, my natural default was to blame self...."What did I do wrong?" Was it the day I forgot to take a vitamin, drank a coke, tripped, slept on my back?" Looking for the cause so I could do it right next time...this is insecurity.

After the first miscarriage I certainly learned greater appreciation for the gift of life, not that I didn't appreciate it, I did and it's miraculous. At the same time, I never considered the fact it wasn't a guarantee. You are raised your whole life to "be careful" because this is how it happens....soooo....A + B = C. From that moment on, I never took a positive test for granted, especially one that continued to grow. 

Then you begin to wonder, okay why....why give a baby, then the the baby. I valued the humbling lesson of the first one but then, to have it happen 2 more times...why!?!? I know God gives and takes away, I know He has a purpose, I know His plans are not ours and I know we don't always get to know the Why to our Why.  

I had people tell me, "Well, it must be a sign from God you are done." 

But it wasn't and knew that in my soul. I was meant to Mother more and we began looking in to adoption and fostering but the Lord never confirmed this to us. We were also reminded of all the Spiritual Children God had planned for us through our ministry in Youth and Children over the years along with loving on the friends of our kids and our neighbors.

Insecurity tells you you've done something wrong to have caused this. 

Fear tells you you better figure it our and work harder on being a better Womb Host for your babies otherwise you'll keep loosing them till you get better at carrying a baby, being a Mom. Something I had dreamed of all my life and here I was facing the fear I wasn't a good one.

Fear is such a liar!

I finally had to come to a place of surrendering my ability to produce and sustain life. I mean, I am not God, so there's that! The enemy so softly nurtured my fears, taking my eyes off the truth of Who is The Breath of Life, The Maker of all. It wasn't easy to let go and surrender. My Birthing session came before my freedom season. I didn't have a lot of Spiritual Sisters to walk out what should be an exciting season while also this confusing and grieving season because I didn't let any know. The guilt believing the loss was somehow my fault was a heavy and embarrassing burden. 

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." I Peter 4:12-13

As we prayed about What now God? after 5 pregnancies. In March 2004 we decided to "see what happened" being open to what God wanted for us through the end of the year.

With each pregnancy after, you can be sure I worked harder and was more and more disciplined to do the absolute best that I could to be healthy for my baby, so that I knew that any loss was not my fault as Satan had tempted me to believe. 

I sat in the knowing there was God's part and my part. It wasn't until years into the healing I understood the sovereignty of God and believed my part could never trump His part but that His will would be done on earth as it is in Heaven. He is the sustainer of these babies. There is only so much that we can do and their life is dependent upon the One that holds their sweet baby breath.

Just a few short months later, our sweet Princess was placed in my surrendered but scared womb. You bet, I was nervous, afraid yet desperately hopeful. I acknowledged there was only so much I could do, owning my part and surrendering under His plan but if I am honest, it was a daily process as I white-knuckled every prayer. Until fear is captured and bound within us, we will continue to worry in our worship. 

We were blessed with 2 more babies this side of Heaven. I held my girl in February 2005, 3 weeks earlier than we had planned and soon after was SURPRISED to carry another son weighing in at a grand 10lbs 7ozs, whom we met in December 2006, 1 week LATER than we had expected!! God was funny to say the least but His message was clear! 

Two dear friends of mine have recently experienced losses that brought me to this time of remembrance of my own losses. Obviously, each delivery was a time of celebration and joy, a blessing; where as the losses filled my soul with sadness in a time of grief and doubt. In God's sovereignty, I believe He allows us to have a bit of amnesia about the pain involved. We always have that sense of loss in our heart, but the depth of the feelings are minimized through time. 

When I think back over the miscarriages, I had forgotten about the haunting feelings you go through. 

When the Doctor tells you your baby has passed, as much as you want to hold them forever in you and protect them by keeping him with you, you also want them out of you. There's the hope for a miracle you have that also believes, God can revive this baby...what if they are wrong?! 

I had to have surgery with each one, and the feeling of waking up, knowing they took out your baby, left an empty feeling. He's gone. It's final. I just had my baby...where's my baby?! It was as if I choose to remove him. These are just complex thoughts running through a grieving, fearful, insecure mind. They certainly were not truths or where my spirit settled. Then I wondered what do I do now.....Also, how do I do better.

My body felt hallow. My mind was confused. My spirit grieved but also knew God had allowed this and I would one day be reunited with my 3 Angel Babies. It was a strange grieving process each time not knowing the why behind the loss, but faith, hope and love always remained. Mercy carried me to each new day. Miscarriage is such a strange loss. How do you grieve it? Should you grieve it when other women have lost their birthed babies and older children...how much harder must that be to have known them and grown them then loose them. My hearts aches for those Mamas even greater. I cannot even comprehend. 

Again with the feeling somewhat responsible for the loss, grieving didn't feel appropriate either. It's so strange. Anyhoo...this could literally be an entire book and at this point basically is.

It made me think of the loss God must feel when He looses His children. The grieving and longing for what could have been...not only did He loose His Son, but each one of His children that He created, loves and held, only to loose them forever when they reject Him. I imagine His grieving and sadness must be deeper than any one of us could ever experience. Even when we breath in His Life and we walk away from Him, I cannot imagine not only the rejection He might feel but the heartbreak, deep sorrow. However, what a joy and celebration He must then feel when we are born into Him. When our spirit breathes Life, angels sing a mighty chorus in celebration of our birth!


Father God,

Bless You...my heart is saddened to think of the loss, the emptiness, the depth of despair You must feel each time You loose one of Your children. All eternity separated from those who's spirit was not born again into Life. How You anticipated and longed for their deliverance. I have never before thought that You would be so blessed by my spiritual birth until now. The joy of seeing Your child born again!!! The heartache and pain of those lost. Father God, I thank You that for my babies, our babies lost, we will meet again, they are not lost forever. 

Father, for those who have forever lost their child, those who didn't choose Life in You, God, comfort their hearts. May Your tears of sadness rain grace over their parents and those who loved them here on Earth. 

May our lives be a celebration, even in the midst of suffering and heartaches, may You give us the courage to rejoice through tears. Bind Satan's lies of shame, condemnation with Your binding love. 
Thank You Jesus for seasons of pain so we may know Your strength and comfort. Thank You for loss so we understand gain. Thank You for brokenness so we may know Your healing. With each tear, whether joy or grief, God be seen in the reflection. Be our comfort.

God, I praise Your Name. Give Your children a strong sense of Your identity, reveal Yourself in a mighty way so we may stand tall, receiving this great gift of being Your child. Help us to celebrate Life. Help us to receive the privileges of being part of the Royal family. Give courage to those encouragers you have placed in our life to challenge us in truth and love to not turn away from You. Father, Rock, Redeemer, forgive us. Capture us. Protect and Grab ahold of our minds and hearts. Cleanse us. 

Use my Life to celebrate You. Forgive me when I doubt You. Grow me to maturity in You. Forgive my immature and selfish thinkings. Capture my thoughts. Cleanse me in Your truth. Lead my way. 
Praise You Holy, Loving Abba Daddy, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, There is NONE like You. amen.

Working in the Woods

I was given an opportunity to help with decorations for our church's upcoming Sportsman's Day event. Preparing has been exhaustingly FUN! You know what I mean? It's soooo fun but so much work! The JOY certainly has outweighed the "pain." 

This morning, I was out scourering the woods searching for decorative pieces to use and in usual God-fashion as He seems to do with me, His visual child, He caused me say something that was obviously a lesson I needed to chew on as I was working. The most beautiful logs happened to be the trees, seemingly old trees that had long ago died. Their branches were full of texture and their color was a blend of greys and browns, simply aged perfectly. What I loved most was not only were they beautiful in color and years of twisting and turning had left them full of art-like designs....they were so delicate, it was easy to maneuver them, break them, carry them, to be able to use them for my project.

I said outloud, "Wow, it's soooo much easier to use these dead ones, than the live ones."

What a lesson of being "dead" to ourselves and alive in Him. Certainly if I died to myself, I have nothing to fight back with or resist, I can be easily carried by the One taking me.

It is only after I am exhausted, frustrated and plum worn out that I tend to take a step back and ask myself, "Why is this (whatever I am struggling with) so hard?" It is then that I realize I am working it myself, in my own strength, and sometimes even resisting. One of my issues is "staying in the moment," waiting and being patient. I tend to be a very organized planner, and I can be spontaneous, but I like to be prepared for "whatever!" God doesn't work like that in every way. He does tell us to be ready for battle, putting on our armor; however, we Go when and how HE says, not what we imagine or think and even attempt to prepare for. When we settle into our moment, it's amazing the peace and joy...AND ENERGY, flows through us. Not that everything is easy-cheesy-lemon-squeezy, but it's that inner strength, patience, perseverence and endurance flowing through. 

I freely admit I am as equally easy-going as I am strong-willed! It's my Italian blood, or so I can blame anyway!! haha

Do you feel dead? If you have been saved you are ALIVE in Christ and have freely died to self, so if you don't feel dead, what are you clinging to? What "thing" are you struggleing for? God wants to be your Source, won't you allow yourself to be freely given to Him and allow Him to move you and use you on His planned project! He is the Potter and you are the clay.




The secondary lesson/application learned was the opposite is then true in spirit. Working this backwards, the truth is also, we are stronger when we are alive in Christ. When we are full of the Living, connected to a Living Source, we are strong. The more we pull away, the weaker we become. We may die a slow death or a quick one if we are chopped. (No need for theology debate here-once saved always saved, just referring to strength, ability to bear fruit and intimacy with our Father, NOT salvation.) A dead branch cannot bear fruit. The Master Gardner prunes His branches to they will have new growth.

In our flesh we are weak and yet we can make ourselves stronger by dieing to our fleshly desires. The closer we are to our Source of Living, The Lord God, we are refreshed, revived and alive. It is through the surrendering of self that God can most easily move us, mold us, lead us.

My hope for us as Believers~ may we daily die to ourselves, giving way of all control to be moved gently or abruptly for what God's purpose is for each of us, that we would trust that The Source will supply all our needs as we thirst after Living Water, and may we remain close to Him so that His strength will be ours, His joy will be ours, His love will be ours, His patience will be ours, His gentleness will be ours, His mercy will be ours and His goodness will be ours.

I hope you will dig through the familiar scriptures and ask Him to show you areas where you need to let go and die to self, becoming easily carried by Him. So that you may also feel alive and full....in your death.

John 15 & Isaiah 29

God, makes us faithful and obedient servants of Yours, not to ourselves or any other, but to You! In Jesus' name, amen!