I'm fine, for real!

"This used to be me: Expert Wall Builder. I knew how to build a wall around my heart to scale. The sign hung read, "I'm fine, thanks for stoping by." Being "fine" wasn't freedom. Walls actually kept the hurt inside, without escape and caused damage on the inside. I never wanted to be a burden or cause attention to myself in a negative way for my heart was all about encouraging others and keeping the peace. And for those of you who may understand this: I felt that as a Proverbs 31 woman...a woman of great faith...a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart and trusted Him completely...that I would be "perfectly happy, encouraging, peaceful, full of wisdom and self-controlled." And yet, I wasn't. I never worried what others would think of me, okay, maybe a little but my greatest fear was disappointing God, failing to represent His amazing grace, smiling joy, peace that made me glide through every moment. I just wasn't always fine." ~Except from my journaling, 2009.

"Good Morning, how are you?" (Smiling)

"Oh, I am fine. How are you?" (Showing our pearly whites)

"I'm fine. God is good." (Still smiling)

Sound familiar? I dare to say it's the most common "conversation" we have with each other...not only at work, the mall, at lunch, and at school but especially in the church hallways. I know because I have been a part of them for many years. There is something to be justified about brief encounters where time is of then essence and it is neither the right person or the right place to "unload" our life's troubles. In today's culture, asking a person How are you is simply a form of greeting, words of acknowledgement, a showing of general effort.

But, as the Asker, are we genuinely hoping for a genuine answer? Do we really want to know how they are doing? Are we willing to be shocked with an honest response that takes up more than our 15 seconds of allotted time? I admit that I have asked expecting the normal flow of response to this well rehearsed pleasantry only to gasp when the person actually shares something real back. Wait, what?! Did they say something, for real?! Quick! Pay attention!! We almost don't know what to say back! 

Our fast-paced world has created in us the skills to shoot out words without immediate response. Technology feeds these quick, impersonal exchanges using our emails and texting, snap chats and tweets that allow us to put something out there and enable us to walk away from it for as long as we need. Then we can ignore it, respond to it, delete it, forward it, or share it. I am afraid we are learning to be filters and regurgitates vs feelers and responders. It is there in face to face conversations where real life happens and is lived out fully. Real words must engage between real hearts.

A photo we post of a scripture isn't the same as reading it, for real. Sending a picture of 2 friends having coffee with the hashtag #loveourfriendship isn't the same as sitting down face to face and enjoying a hot cup of coffee together, for real. Texting praying hands emojis do not replace actually praying,  for real.
Now obviously, long distance relationships do not fall into this category. For some of us, the only way we are able to connect is through our devices and praise the Lord for them so that we can keep in touch for real. We are referring to conversations and encounters we face in our day to day life.

At some point in our days, we are on one of the 2 sides of this exchange. There are times I just don't want to say anything about my brokenness, or I realize this is not the time of place to share, or maybe this is not the person to share it with. We must be discerning whichever end we find ourselves, being careful and considerate not to push the other beyond what God had intended for that moment.

This topic came up recently with a friend who serves on a Hospitality Team. This was our take aways:

If you the one Asking:
1.) When you ask How are you? Be sure to ask genuinely, make eye contact so they can see it in your heart's eyes, and give them the opportunity to share. God may have crossed your paths for such a time as this. Have a plan to step aside with them should they need more than a minute to share, or ask for prayer, or need your help. They may be caught off guard that you are anticipating an honest response. Sad but true.
2.) If you are welcoming people into your home or church, classroom, or passing someone in the halls, store, playground, wherever, and you simply want to acknowledge them, make them feel welcomed, simply say Hello! Share any pleasantry you'd like but don't ask if you don't have time to listen. You will likely cause hurt feelings if you ask and really didn't have time to listen because you were on your way to an appointment and you have to excuse yourself or rush out. Without meaning to, you leave them feeling brushed aside and unworthy of someones' time.
3.) If someone actually trusts you enough to share an answer but you cannot engage long enough to give them the proper time they need, be gentle, sincere and kind in letting them know that you would like to get back together so you may devote your full attention to them and set up a time you are both able to meet, even if it means 5 minutes later while you get someone to cover you, or if it has to be later that day, or that week. Do not rush them off.
4.) Maybe you sense something is wrong and yet the person avoids eye contact and has a titanium wall up you cannot seem to penetrate and they keep walking. Pray! Heed the voice of the Holy Spirit as to what else you might need to do besides praying for them.
One Sunday, a woman left the worship center in tears, and feeling like God was pushing me out of my comfort zone to approach her and offer up my help or prayers without her prompting, I followed her into the ladies room and asked if she was okay and she said yes, all the while tears flowed behind her closed door. I waited...and waited. I stood silently praying for her. She never came out. I reached out one more time to ask if she needed anything and she said no. I told her I would be praying for her and I went back to my seat, feeling bad that I wasn't able to "help" (enter Satan into the moment) and yet God affirming Well done faithful friend. I did all I could and all I was supposed to. Prayer is our best intercession and response every single time!

For the one being Asked:
1.) Acknowledge the person greeting you with a smile and genuine pleasantry. Be discerning of whether or not this person is simply greeting or welcoming you or if they are sincerely asking and waiting for an honest reply. We know that just because they ask, doesn't mean they have time for a explanation of your current life circumstances; however, this may be a genuine ask. It is kind and considerate to reply honestly, thanking them for asking. He/She may be the one God placed in your day for you to share your heart with.
2.) If you feel led to share, be respectful of their time. God does schedule divine appointments often, however, this person, whether a friend we run into, or a staffed person, had not made plans to spend 2-20minutes with you. Find out first if they actually have a few minutes to step aside and share. Ask them if they have a few minutes to talk or pray before you unload on them, putting them into a corner they may feel backed up against. It may be the perfect time that God has set aside for both of you and it will be perfectly timed and sweet. Just be sure to discern so before you assume so.
3.) Are we willing to be honest when things are not fine and say so? Even in pleasantries? Of course, I will be fine when I respond, I am fine but that's not my current truth. I am not fine even though I will be fine. Not wishing to lie, and to live an authentic life, I have learned to say, "Not every day can be a great one, but God is good." 

Pride wants us to portray perfection. God wants us to portray Peace. Not every one who walks out their door is perfectly fine. In this world, we will have troubles and it's okay to share them when we do. He tells us to share our burdens, confess our sins one to another, and rejoice with all. Maybe we have something exciting we can't wait to share with someone today, or maybe we just received devastating news and are seeking out someone to share it with. We all have "Those Days," "Those Feelings." Are you the one God has sent to ask "How are you?" Be ready! They may just have something to say, for real!!

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." Romans 15:5-7 ESV

God Can Hear You Just Fine.

I thought I would share an excerpt from my journaling from December 2008 as panic and anxiety attacks consumed my life, churning up my once neat and tidy soil. God used this season to shake up and shape up my heart, mind and soul, ultimately pruning back much of me so that He could do a refining work, reestablishing my root system and growing in me something new.

As always, I pray as you read through these words you allow God to speak to you, that it would be His voice you hear and not mine. May you be encouraged and reminded in the truths, you are loved, you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, He is near. Satan wants nothing more than for you to doubt the love of God and begin loosing hope. 

The further we fall into the darkness of a pit, the harder it is to find our way back out. But the Good News is that God is Light and His Word is a lamp for our feet and a light on our path. He will lead you, and you must patiently follow, one step at a time, one breath at a time.

Never quit believing God is for you. Cling fast to what is Truth. Rest in His care.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Embarrassed and confused myself, I did not share what I was going through except with a select few family and friends. I am a pretty private person, and struggle with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I was also serving in leadership within my church with a heart to do Women's Ministry and Retreats. If they knew, I knew it would kill that dream and I would become useless in Kingdom Work. Was there a way to describe it watered down? Would they judge me? Would I become even more less than and unnecessary than I already felt...

If I couldn’t even understand what was happening to me, then how could I expect someone else to!? I felt crazy, how could they not think the same?! “I’ve lost my mind!” is a phrase I could relate to. And it didn’t mean I had become forgetful. When you feel like you’ve lost your mind, it’s scary. Your normal thought patterns and reasonings are lost. Once methodical and organized, two steps ahead of every need, you now find yourself scrambling to catch up and grab hold of a sound thought. It’s chaotic and uneasy. For a perfectionist like me, it pushed me to the edge of myself, feeling even more inadequate than before. Now, I was sure of it.

Every day I had to fight against the lies that God wasn’t there for me, He couldn’t hear me, He no longer had anymore patience, mercy or grace for me. My faith didn’t waver but my focus, patience and endurance did. Each day was not better than the other. Day after day I grew in my exasperation. I wanted to be healed and restored. Each prayer felt like an echo, bouncing back at me off the ceiling, my words empty and my hands weak. When would this end? How much longer could I take this torture?

One day in particular, at my wits end, exhausted, fearful, angry, I cried out desperate to God, almost demanding in my tone, “Please be with me. Where are You God? Why can’t You hear me?” A few minutes later as I sat in the middle of the floor of my play room trying to gather myself to get on with my day, I heard in my spirit to go to the front door so I did. I don't recall noticing a knock at the door and the beagle wasn't barking.

Opening the door, no one was standing there and no one was around the yard or in the street, but then I noticed a door hanger on my door. Weird. Normally my beagle hollers at intruders in the yard. I had just spent the past hour cleaning up (and talking to God) in the front playroom and never heard or saw anyone out the windows. The door hanger was from a new church coming to the area. You won’t believe what it said…in all caps..

”GOD CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.” 

What?!?! I stood taken back for a moment...in awe that He had not only sent me a divine message...but now I knew that He could really, really hear me. I knew that message was meant just for me. But that assurance was for a fleeting moment because my very next thought was, “Then if You CAN hear me why aren’t You helping me?!? Anger filled me, not joy. It was almost worse to know He actually could hear me but choose not to help me. 

I had been so desperate to hear Him, to feel Him, to get confirmation that He had not forgotten me or left me to this darkness consumed…and then He says He can hear me just fine. Ugh. My heart and stomach twisted inside me. My soul wept “Then why Lord….why?” Was He so done with me, this was the end? Had He had enough? Was I worth His time anymore? I figured I had nothing left to offer Him. I was at the end of me. I couldn’t fix me and if He wasn’t going to fix me, then I was useless, merely functioning as an empty shell, depleted, exhausted, scared, lonely and sad. I was frightened. I felt completely alone. And yet, there was life to manage inside my doors, inside my home, inside my church...inside my soul. 

A husband and 4 children who were counting on me to care for them, help them, cheer for them, provide for them. Little ones who couldn’t wait for Mommy to tuck them in and tickle their tummies and kiss them on their sweet cheeks as they let go of their day and submitted to sleep. Big kids needing help with homework, someone to talk to about their day and help them figure life-stuff out and of course to find their missing socks. And a husband who always needs my help! And how I wanted to be an Encourager in the Kingdom. I couldn't give up.  This is a battle I wouldn't win on my own. 

I prayed so deep and often, "God, strengthen me and engage me deep at my core....revive me and restore to me the joy of my salvation. Still my soul and steady my mind. There is nothing I want more than You."

Truth was, it was hard to stay joy-filled and energetic when I felt completely empty inside, but as I look back on this season, it was by the grace of God I was able to. At the time, it was me just gutting it through one hour at a time, longing for each morning’s mercies….and healing. In reality, it was He Who carried me and sustained every breath, every hug, every Mom moment, every day's laundry and to-dos as life went on day after day and I remained the same weeping soul. Grace helped and sustained me.

God was faithful even though it didn’t feel like it. He was near even though it didn’t seem He was.  Maybe this was my Moses moment, my Job moment. Was He testing my faith and trust in Him?

His Word tells us through and through, He is faithful, He loves us and is working for our good, to prosper and us and not harm us. Trials and tribulations are meant to burn off the old and make room for new growth. Pits and valleys are torturous but The Cross took on the pain and penalties for us. He took on all our suffering...for our good. 

        Next time you find your prayers hitting the ceiling, remain faithful and strong. Gather a few trustworthy people and ask them to intercede with you for this season. It'll help keep you strong as God reaches out to hug you through their prayers and presence. We always think it's an imposition to ask for help, and for a perfectionist, it's humbling but the fact is it is a blessing to be able to stand in the gap for another. This was part of the pruning I had to let go of too. 

Trials have so many layers and we will never know all the many things God is working in us and through us, despite us.

Friend, you are not alone. You are loved. You are heard. You are enough. You are seen. You are worth much. You have a purpose. Don't give up! Be still your soul and rest in Him.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 

and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 

who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 

for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 

1 Peter 1:3-9 NIV