It has been 3 years already?!? WOW!!! Three years since my life took a 360. Three years ago when I thought my life was over. Three years ago since I wanted my life to be over. Three years ago when I was in a very dark and lonely pit. December 2008 marked the beginning of the end to fear. Day after day, week after week, month after month...a process of healing, cleansing, restoring, realizing, acknowledging, seeking, confessing, resting, rebuking, trusting, learning...these were the essence of every minute. Some days were okay and I felt strong while others were pure torture and I felt completely helpless and weak. This season in my life was bitter-sweet. What was the most difficult of time was also the most awakening time. The old cliche is true, " When you are at your lowest, there's only one way to go...up!" Of course, being flat on my face in fear was one thing but a year later I found myself flat on my face...in worship and adoration!!! amen!!
If there was any other way, of course I would have rather taken it, but this is what it took for me to turn myself around; therefore, I accept it. For some time following my ultimate healing (AMEN!!!) God crossed my paths with many who also suffered with fear, panic, depression and anxiety. What a blessing to be able to share the HOPE we have in Jesus Christ, our Refuge, Rock and Redeemer. Then I noticed God sending me opportunities to encourage others, not specifically people dealing with fear, but just those in need of hope and strength for the journey. Recently though, I seem to be back on the learning side, not that I had arrived in wisdom and knowledge by any means, but eventhough we are constantly giving and receiving, there are times when it weighs heavier on one side than the other. I have been a part of some in-depth and rich bible studies and they have really taken root in my heart, mind and spirit. There have been some prunings and some growing. God has brought lots of encouragers into my life whom have challenged me in many ways they cannot know and also very obvious ways. What a gift to have the hands and feet of God touch you.
I am soooo thankful as I look back on this three year anniversary of what I call my Season of Hell, that I am on the otherside, I am not who I was in 2008, I no longer have great walls protecting me...I trust God to protect me. I no longer attempt to fight battles that aren't mine...I trust God to fight them for me. I no longer fear the "unknowns" but I trust God to take me where He wants me to go regardless of whether or not I understand it. (And no, this doesn't mean I am a Warrior Woman...I am cautious by nature...I just don't allow fear to get in my way!)
My built in accountability to make sure that I never get into that pit again is the Holy Spirit who leads and directs me. It is my desperate prayer that I never quench hearing Him lead. God has been gracious enough to also place some AWESOME women around me to keep me focused on Christ. I have never felt so "covered" and surrounded by God's grace and love as I do here, in December 2011.
I am thankful that God did not listen to my plans in December 2008. I am thankful that He is a confident God who certainly doesn't need my little suggestions. This was reinforced to me in my recently finished bible study in Deuteronomy. God is absolutely in control!!! Also, each of us have a choice. If you choose Obedience...you receive Blessings. If you choose Disobedience...you receive Discipline. It's the same concept I have taught my own children for years and yet it rings true even for me with my Father. I choose to Obey God. Why? Reverent fear of what He can do and Pure Adoration for Who He is.
I have been walking with the Lord since 1986 but this past three years have been the most precious to me for it's where I began to see the heart of God. As with any person, you can know of them or even know them, but you will not know the heart/spirit of them until you spend quality time with them. I pray the Holy Spirit will continue to speak louder than my own voice. I pray my ears hear what He wants me to hear. I pray my eyes see what He needs me to see. I pray my mind is captivated and consumed by His Word, truth and promises and not my own meaningless thoughts. I pray my desires are satisfied in Him alone. I pray my time is guarded by Him. I pray for a protection around each covenant relationship I share. I pray I listen!!! I pray I obey!!!! I remember that the Lord my God brought me out of the land of Egypt with His mighty hand and outstretched arm!!! YES HE DID!!!
He rescued me! He can rescue you!!! Won't you trust Him to walk you where you need to go...give up the reins and let Him lead you. Happy anniversary Creator of Life!!!! Thank You for the life You have given me. Thank You for Your blessings! ALL power and glory is Yours. amen!!!
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