Part Two: "The best you can do to describe yourself, still cannot fully represent who you are. We may not even fully know who we are. (A whole 'nuther subject for a whole 'nuther blog! Stay tuned for Part Two of this!!)".....
He knew us before time began. He knows the count of freckles, hairs..He sees all the tears that we cry and those that never make it out! I am so glad God knows me. I don't even really know who I am. I think I know who I am but then I am so insecure about it I wonder. As I walk with God, I am constantly seeking after His will for my life. I whole-heartedly believe He does have a plan for me. I don't think it's a Grand Plan but then again, isn't everything about God grand? Would He exclude me from the Grand Plan...no! It's me that doubts me.
I was recently talking with a sweet friend about the unworthiness we feel with God. He loves us soooo much and yet we doubt Him. He has proven Himself time and time again throughout history and in our own lives and yet tomorrow, I may find myself doubting Him and that makes you feel soooo unworthy, inadequate of such great Love. And yet, He is still there full of grace, mercy, hope, peace...just waiting for me to get out of the Time Out chair I have placed myself in, come and say sorry, ask for forgiveness, reconcile, accepting His forgiveness and moving on!!!
The past few weeks, God has had me open the vault of Who Are You anyway...why do you think like you do, why do you act the way you do...and it's been very interesting.
I come from an average, middle income, Christian home and I am a perfect blend of my two parents.
Meet my Dad: only child, military Colonel, strict, controlled, genius intellect, scientist, over achiever, brilliant man..and sarcastic I might add. (When asked, Dad, could you have parked the car any further out!? He said Yes and proceeded to drive the car to the absolute furthest spot at the mall that he could. Yes, he really parked it there and we walked!)
My Mom on the other hand: creative, over the top in all that she does, people person, animal lover, compassionate, caring, always volunteering and fun. She was the stereo-typical stay at home Mom and made everything a little extra special. She goes the extra mile for others whether celebrating a birthday, graduation, new baby or helping others in need.
Being creative and finding new ways to do things is a fun challenge for us creative people. It's not about showing off or brown nosing, it's about taking the time to do something special for someones else. Life is short. We are not glitz and glamour over the top, more shabby to chic, but making the most of what you've got and making people feel special over the top. You didn't just buy any card for someone, you read it and picked just the right one for that person, you hand write a special sentiment. You didn't just bag a gift, you took the time to wrap it creatively.
My Sister and I were raised with strict disciplines..very southern-like...strong social etiquette, high standards in education, hard work, no excuse for laziness, high respect for others, keep trying till you get it right and no whining and no quitting. For our own good, they pushed us to very high standards. I always mastered the social stuff and my sister mastered the intellectual stuff!
We had a reverent fear of my Dad, he commanded it. Our groundings were for 2 weeks alone in our rooms, in the day and age of no computers and cell phones. You just did your homework, read a book or write...I used to write and draw, but I didn't have too many groundings because of the guarantee for 2 more weeks alone in my room. We were good kids with a good life...very over protective but good. I appreciate these disciplines now that I am older. I didn't struggle with the party life style like many of my friends did. I was shy too and that kept me away from much of the social scene.
I have a great respect for others, loyal, trustworthy, never stealing, cheating, manipulating. I am a hard worker, and push myself till I get it right (unfortunately I struggle with perfectionism though). I am very self controlled and struggle with being legalistic. I would not say I am controlling of others, myself, yes, but not others. I do place high expectations on myself even to this day and I used to do this with others. It's so much a part of how I am wired. I am working on Excellence, not Perfection now! I put others needs before mine (compassion but borderline unhealthy in boundaries-been working on this with God's help!). My focus is to always do the right thing, make the right choice (perfect) every time and go the extra mile when ever possible. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" was often quoted in our house growing up.
My gift is Encouragement and am so blessed when God gives me the opportunity to bless another by helping, lending a hand, just making someone smile, sharing a hug on a rotten day, celebrating the big AND small milestones, knowing it's God through me, not me. I love the challenge of figuring out better or new or fresh ways to do something. Life is full of heart ache and pain and there are plenty of people taking care of that part of life and I want to be one of the people that are able to bring love, joy and happiness in the life of another. God is Love!!! He wants us to love one another. Okay, so maybe we go over the top, but don't you think you are worth it? Why not? Our culture has gotten away from the "go an extra mile for another." We are very selfishly driven these days. I used to love the days of Secret Pen Pals and Secret Sisters at church where you would draw a name and surprise your person each week with a small creative trinket or card. I enjoyed that-right up my alley!
Why wait until Valentines or a birthday to tell someone you love them. What's wrong with today? What happened to saying Please and Thank You for even the smallest of gestures? What's wrong with hand writing a letter? What's wrong with a Just Because whatever, gift, card, etc? With my Dad's push for doing things right and my Mom's creativity, I am a great creative brainstormer. I can usually think of 30 ways to accomplish something. This isn't good for a perfectionist though because there isn't a right or wrong choice!!!! AHHHH! LOL
We are all different in how we love others. I have one girlfriend who loves to bake and she is so good about bringing meals just because or maybe she heard I had a tough day. Or maybe she just decided to make cookies and wanted to share them. Her baked gifts have been abundant blessings. I have another friend who has the gift of wisdom and encouragement and I can't think of one conversation we have had that she hasn't blessed me with wisdom and encouragement! We all are to use whatever gifts He gives and bless others by ministering to others with them...and not just on bad days when it's expected. But just because God is good and He is loving, all the time. His love endures forever!!! They shall know you love God by loving one another. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.
Here's what's funny...I am really good at encouraging others and sharing it....but not receiving it. Strange, you'd assume I would beg for it back. I expect nothing back. (So many reasons play into that with low-self esteem issues.) I love to love just to love! I don't feel more valued or more important that I can make someone feel special for a day...I just feel blessed that I got to be part of it.
I attempt to represent God in my mind and heart in everything I do, I am trying to do it in His love. No selfish ambition, I am not worthy or deserving. I need to be better about actually getting some self ambition perhaps! heehee
You know, I am one piece of work! Thanks for letting me talk through this Self Discovery with you. You are either bored silly or you think I am completely silly!!! I am nothing on my own. My strong Italian will, military like social expectations, strive for perfection and very creative and compassionate self can be used by God. I am not sure exactly how cuz I certainly feel like a bit of a mess, but I trust Him. He's got a plan for even me.
I hope this is not your first time visiting this blog...I am so sorry if it is. This was much more personal than usual and although it was about me, I pray God will speak to you through it. Maybe you can relate to the feeling of being unworthy and inadequate with God or people, or both. We all come from different backgrounds and we have all walked different paths, but we are all headed to the same destination. It's not where you have been but where you are going. I look forward to traveling with you there! God Bless You in Him, In Love!!!
"God, I am who I am today because of everything You have allowed me to experience, good and bad in my life. Choices I made and those made for me, You allowed it. If it weren't for all the pain, I wouldn't have sought after you so desperately. If it weren't for the strict disciplines set early on, I wouldn't stay diligent in my search for You. Keep molding me God. Refine me. Thank You for the creativeness you have given me. My creative eyes and heart see You every where I look-You are so beautiful and creative. You take my breathe away often Lord. Daily You show me in new and fresh ways Your love for me. Thank You for the people You have placed in my life to love on and encourage. Use me to encourage them and see Your beautiful love for them, for each of us. May they feel Your encouragement and know how much You love them and care for them for they are special to You even if they don't feel it and believe it for themselves. Thank You for placing others in my life who love me for me. Knowing my crazy genetic make-up, personality quirks and weaknesses, they still stand by me. Help me to accept their encouragement. Most importantly, help me receive Your love completely. Eventhough I see myself as hugely Under Contruction, You God, see me as complete. Oh, Your Grace is abundant and Your Love overflowing and I am so unworthy of it. I need you Father. Open my eyes, open my ears, open my heart....amen."
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