My first entry will be longer than normal so that I may take the time to introduce myself and catch up-if you will-to present time.
Why did I choose to write? God. For so many years of insecurity and allowing the enemy to hide my Light, it was time to SHINE and SHARE.
The pressure of the world to perform and be The Best and Have All the Things as "normal" has us spinning our wheels to meet the unspoken Rules of Acceptance, Fitting in and Keeping Up to meet up. There's not one magazine or commercial that says you are okay where you are with what you have. Sure we all can improve body-mind-spirit, but we don't need to upgrade it all, at the cost of our all.
We are at our limits in this high-pressure, quick-paced culture that we live in. Society expects us to look like models at all times, even in yoga pants, have perfect children, keep a clean home without a toy or piece of clothing out of place, exercise 4 times a day, cook organic only nutritious meals with no sweets ever for our families and be a member of every club in our kids schools and in our churches, and in our communities. And for some of us, we are also working Moms!
SO, WHAT ARE WE SO STRESSED OUT ABOUT?!? I'm FINE.....what a 4 letter word that is. Fine is CODE for I am managing, barely, don't ask cuz I can't right now. Everything would be so perfect if we could simply, perfectly keep it all together, at all times and never stop striving.
Welcome to My Life. I have spent nearly my entire life trying to be Perfect. Fearing fear and rejection. I was a Good girl, often called Holy Roly on the roller rink and Goody-Two-Shoes everywhere else. I never stole anything, never snook out, never cussed, was not tempted with alcohol or drugs.
My sister and I were basically born in the church nursey in the 1970's. I was very active in our church life- youth group and handbell choir. I never missed an event or opportunity to serve in every mission trip and youth camp.
When life became difficult in the 7th Grade, I sought for that One person in my life who would never leave me or forsake me, love me forever. One that understood me, who would not betray me. I was looking for that good friend, but I was sooo shy and insecure. Then Jesus offered His friendship to me.
The setting was a gorgeous Youth Camp in Estes Park, Colorado when the speaker shared in his message you were not a Christian just because you grew up in the church and attended every event, that it needed to be a decision made at a moment of time to say Yes Lord, I receive Your Great Gift, the payment of my sins and I choose to follow you all my days.
Until that season, He had only been the one to fear who turns people into pillars of salt and flooded an entire planet. The Lord had been the One we learned about in church Who created me, the world and everything in it. I thought I was a Christian by default because my family believed in God and I had taken a class in 5th Grade.
That was the day the Lord became my God, my Best Friend who loved me so much that He died for me. I was looking for Him and I talked to Him constantly. He was everything.
Two years later, my Sophomore year in High School, my parents announced at a family meeting they would be divorcing. Evidently they had been going to counseling and it had come to an end. Needless to say, I knew things were tense around the house but I was shocked and hurt. Thankfully, I did have my Best Friend,
He was there for me with every tear that fell, He even saw the ones that couldn't, every moment of despair and anger, God was there, consistently faithful and loving. I absorbed myself in our church's programs. I attended everything possible to avoid being home, even the adult volleyball nights.
My favorite place to run to was this tiny prayer chapel built into my church. It remained open 24/7 and THANK GOD!!!! What a holy hiding place. His love was a healing balm even when I didn't understand the fullness of His love and heart for me yet.
I was always the strong, pretty, helpful, silly, fun-loving girl who became good at putting on a mask of fineness, busying myself to avoid confronting my sorrow. God was all I needed and felt like all I had during this season in my young life. The little brick wall already built with barbwire at the top transformed into a fortress. No one else was allowed inside the gate but Jesus.
Fast forward to 1993, years later, I would marry a very confident, life of the party kind of guy! He was everything I was not..and especially handsome. What we had in common was we both loved people and family, we loved helping others and we fell in love 3 years prior in my Senior year in High School and now college graduates. The differences made some times very challenging in the beginning but also brought great opportunities for growth. My husband and I both come from divorced families, so that drives us to "make it work" too. God certainly has been the glue that has held us together.
Over the past 16 1/2 years of marriage, we are still two very different people, but we have so much more in common, like our love for God and our children. In 1997 we welcomed Collin. After a miscarriage, we welcomed Cody in 1999. After two more miscarriages, we met our sweet little Princess Kaitlyn in 2005. Then, the Lord surprised us with a joyful bundle weighing in at 10.7 lbs, Corey in December 2006. It's official, we are done!
We are the same...we are opposites. He's Rock n Roll and I am Worship. He is Sports Fanatic and I am Supportive Sports Mom. He is steak and potato and I am well, most anything but especially chocolate and salads! We'll save that for another post, another day...or maybe it's a whole 'nuther blog!!
Insecurity and fear go way back to my youngest of memories. As I grew and in those overcoming it looked like striving for perfection and being a Yes Girl. Boundaries were a thing I would learn until so many years later.
I was always the strong, pretty, helpful, silly, fun-loving girl who became good at putting on a mask of fineness, busying myself to avoid confronting my sorrow. God was all I needed and felt like all I had during this season in my young life. The little brick wall already built with barbwire at the top transformed into a fortress. No one else was allowed inside the gate but Jesus.
Fast forward to 1993, years later, I would marry a very confident, life of the party kind of guy! He was everything I was not..and especially handsome. What we had in common was we both loved people and family, we loved helping others and we fell in love 3 years prior in my Senior year in High School and now college graduates. The differences made some times very challenging in the beginning but also brought great opportunities for growth. My husband and I both come from divorced families, so that drives us to "make it work" too. God certainly has been the glue that has held us together.
Over the past 16 1/2 years of marriage, we are still two very different people, but we have so much more in common, like our love for God and our children. In 1997 we welcomed Collin. After a miscarriage, we welcomed Cody in 1999. After two more miscarriages, we met our sweet little Princess Kaitlyn in 2005. Then, the Lord surprised us with a joyful bundle weighing in at 10.7 lbs, Corey in December 2006. It's official, we are done!
We are the same...we are opposites. He's Rock n Roll and I am Worship. He is Sports Fanatic and I am Supportive Sports Mom. He is steak and potato and I am well, most anything but especially chocolate and salads! We'll save that for another post, another day...or maybe it's a whole 'nuther blog!!
Insecurity and fear go way back to my youngest of memories. As I grew and in those overcoming it looked like striving for perfection and being a Yes Girl. Boundaries were a thing I would learn until so many years later.
Not wanting attention, always deflecting, I strived to put a good foot forward. Most of the time it was from pride, so that others would see I was FINE, God was good and all I needed, having it all together, keeping up with all the other perfectly-seeming Moms and Wives...co-workers, Friends, Family members.
I felt like everyone else had perfectly kept children and homes, always looked cute themselves. I was raised in a very loving and structured home with strict rules, Mom being everyone's best friend and social butterfly and Dad the military and highly intelligent man. Every decision I made ran through the filters of will this ruffle anyone's feathers, will I look stupid and was it right or wrong.
While we talked about God and said our prayers, there was not much faith talk...trusting, surrender, worship, praying.
As much as I try to see things as black and white, and make things black and white, I see gray 9and a ton of colors swirling around) too. I serve a God who does have black and white rules for those who follow Him to live by, but it is not driven by fear. Out of His incredible beautiful and sweet love for us, He gives us rules to guide us, to keep order, to keep us in right fellowship with Him, to be the bumper guards to His presence but there is so much more in the gray area and it takes faith to live there.
I wish God would have written out the answer and rule to every possible situation who, as humans, at any age in our lifetime, we would face so that we could choose the perfect right thing...the perfect decision.
We have is His Word, His principles, His heart and once saved, His Holy Spirit. This is WHERE FAITH IS...in the gray middle, the swirly colors of love in this life. Don't get me wrong, it takes faith to live by the rules too. God commands us to live by His rules out of love. Love is the motivation to follow them, faith helps us when we don't know what the right answer is. Faith meets us in the asking, knocking, seeking. It is in those gray areas where insecurity and anxiety to fail, my faith suffocates.
I love lists and rules and order because it does simplify things and reduces stress, but I am also a dreamer, creative, passionate, romantic, go-with-the-flow, southern girl. I am just as comfortable at the Houston ballet in a ball gown and heels as I am in jeans on a horse or playing in the dirt to plant a garden. I love to make things, and I will never forget building an Out-House as part of a mission trip in the rocky mountains of Tennessee! That was work! I am not afraid of sweat. I don't look pretty or smell pretty, but you sometimes just need to get down and work!
Putting on my comfy hoodies and sweats, hanging out with the family or friends with a big bowl of hot buttery popcorn, or nights eating s'mores with loved ones is pretty awesome too!
I love lists and rules and order because it does simplify things and reduces stress, but I am also a dreamer, creative, passionate, romantic, go-with-the-flow, southern girl. I am just as comfortable at the Houston ballet in a ball gown and heels as I am in jeans on a horse or playing in the dirt to plant a garden. I love to make things, and I will never forget building an Out-House as part of a mission trip in the rocky mountains of Tennessee! That was work! I am not afraid of sweat. I don't look pretty or smell pretty, but you sometimes just need to get down and work!
Putting on my comfy hoodies and sweats, hanging out with the family or friends with a big bowl of hot buttery popcorn, or nights eating s'mores with loved ones is pretty awesome too!
I love the mountains, I love the countryside and I love the beach. I enjoy a variety of music styles from piano and guitar, beach/nature (although just rain annoys me!) to raggae. Mainly, I listen to our local Christian radio station or my Praise and Worship playlists.
Since becoming a Mom in 1997, I have worked with Women's ministry, Children's ministry, helped my husband with Men's ministry and Youth ministry and had a few roles in church dramas over the years.
I am certainly not a cookie-cutter person. I look for joy in all circumstances, making lemonade out of lemons. My Mom says I have always looked at the world through rose colored glasses. My girlfriend says I have amazing patience and calls me her "Friend on Valium." (I am not on Valium). I consider myself to be pretty flexible.
So you can imagine the massive fear of rejection and disqualification that could come from sharing my hurts with the others when I shared with a select few about my most recent crisis with panic attacks and fear and anxiety, they were shocked! I am so laid back that it didn't seem probable.
Now, I am a bit stubborn and a bit sarcastic and tiny bit sassy usually because I don't want to impose...aka...receive help if it inconvenienced another. It's also my dry humor. The Lord is growing me here too...learning to accept help. As an encourager myself, I know it is an honor and privelege to help another and yet I don't receive that gift from others...pride maybe? I am not sure. It is a current issue I have laid down at the cross and for a lifetime will be learning surrender and trust, deeper and deeper into the abyss of Jesus' grace.
I don't need to practice saying the word Yes. Put some chocolate in front of me and I can say "Yes!" loud and humbly proud! But ask for help...nope. Crazy I know...God and I have a long list of To Do's! Thank God He is a God who doesn't leave us or forsake us and is patient in His love for us, at the same time, He cannot in His nature sit back and watch us fret without stepping in to offer Rescue and Refuge.
As life got busier, my lists changed, my priorities shifted. Slowly, I placed myself lower and lower on the list of things that needed attention. It was more than letting go of lunch dates with friends and leisurely shopping trips...it was my quiet time which included my time with the Lord. Reading my bible, prayer time, worship time, meditating on His Word were crowded out. If I had 30 minutes to myself, I quickly picked up the house, started dinner, finished a load of laundry or sat down with a cup of sweet tea and watched 30 minutes of TV without children interrupting me every 2 minutes.
I have loved the Lord for over 20 years now, and yes, I missed my fellowship with Him. I am one of those women that "pray continuously", praying as God prompts, sending up bullet prayers throughout the day. I do not simply pray thanksgiving for my food. I am so thankful for the Lord and His unconditional love all these years. I began to miss Him in my day. I felt too busy to fit Him in. Surely the Lord appreciated the fact that I was a hard working woman, keeping true to my husband, my kids, my schooling, all my commitments, I was "doing right." If anyone understood my life, it would be Him.
It was beginning to wear on me. I missed Me Time and Me Time included Time with God. So, Fall 2008, I joined a Ladies Bible Study which was written for busy women and taught us how to hear God through the busyness of life. It was good, funny lesson learned, but again, maybe another post...
Come to find out, the Lord was not okay with me justifying His low number of priority on my list as being at the bottom. He wants to be number one in each of our lives! He was not happy with me. He had had enough. December 2008, the Lord brought my life to a halt and boy did it stop my busyness problem! All of a sudden I couldn't hardly think straight. No, I didn't turn to drugs but the years of stress, anxiety and fear (fear of failure, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of rejection) overstressed my adrenals and my body erupted. Ever heard of someone having a panic attack? Until it happened to me that day, I had not. Google it sometime. For me, God used this physical weakness to show me my spiritual weakness.
Years later, healing is here constantly flowing through me. The craters that were perfectionism and fear/anxiety are cracks that sometimes expand in the heat, but always icovered in the healing balm of God's grace, mercy, kindness and love. We are all works in progress. Earthly Perfection will not be our name to claim until the other side of Glory when we receive our Heavenly bodies. This is why we need our faith, to trust and surrender here and now, every day, every breath. We are but mere flesh and ashes to ashes we will come and go.
I have always had a passion for helping people. I believed the whispers of the enemy reminding me I needed to try really hard to be perfect and get professionally qualified so others would feel comfortable coming to me for encouragement. I didn't leave much room for God to use me, to be my words. It took many years to learn how to be His vessel, His instrument, His heart and hands here.
I have learned sooo many lessons and truths in this area and I hope to blog with you about it more. I want to set YOU free from these chains and lies too!
I have learned sooo many lessons and truths in this area and I hope to blog with you about it more. I want to set YOU free from these chains and lies too!
There is NEVER a day that I will EVER be too busy to spend time with Him. He is my every breathe. Physically, I have come a long way too, learning to put myself as a priority in life, with nutrition, exercise and relaxation. Mentally, I have studied the effects of stress and the damage it does to the body and the mind. I am learning to lead and not hide. I am learning how to surrender to fear with faith and anticipation of grace and God's showing up to provide and lead me to lead. I am taking time now to meditate on His promises and His never-changing character.
Reevaluate your body, mind, spirit connection. How is your walk with the Lord? Are you living a life of faith or by self-rights? Are your thoughts pure and healthy or are they self-defeating? Are you making healthy choices for your body? ( I am not so sure that brownie & ice cream with extra chocolate syrup was the best choice the other night but it sure was yummy!! All things in moderation!)
This journey in my life has lead me to step out of the box, to Where Faith Is, and combat the fear of failure and rejection, sharing my beaten path in hopes that God would use these events, my testimony, to touch the life of another woman. The God I serve is a God of hope, He is the steady in the midst of the storm.
Reevaluate your body, mind, spirit connection. How is your walk with the Lord? Are you living a life of faith or by self-rights? Are your thoughts pure and healthy or are they self-defeating? Are you making healthy choices for your body? ( I am not so sure that brownie & ice cream with extra chocolate syrup was the best choice the other night but it sure was yummy!! All things in moderation!)
This journey in my life has lead me to step out of the box, to Where Faith Is, and combat the fear of failure and rejection, sharing my beaten path in hopes that God would use these events, my testimony, to touch the life of another woman. The God I serve is a God of hope, He is the steady in the midst of the storm.
Through this blog, I hope to share more with you about this journey. Life is ever changing, so we shall be too but God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, AMEN! Thank You Lord for being my rock, my very breath, my water and my daily bread!
If you do not have a personal relationship with God, please let me know so that I may have the honor to share His love for you. "For God so loved the world that He gave up His One and only Son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16"
If you do not have a personal relationship with God, please let me know so that I may have the honor to share His love for you. "For God so loved the world that He gave up His One and only Son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16"
Each of us are here for a reason. He has a perfect plan for you and for me. He loves you soooo much!
You are here for a divine purpose and He will always be by your side. Where ever you are in your life's journey, He sees you right where you are. You might be able to hide from others and even from yourself, but God is God and He doesn't hide and He doesn't want you to either.
You are here for a divine purpose and He will always be by your side. Where ever you are in your life's journey, He sees you right where you are. You might be able to hide from others and even from yourself, but God is God and He doesn't hide and He doesn't want you to either.
Friend, He knitted you in your Mother's womb on purpose with Divine inspiration and Design, unlike any other person EVER in history! He loves you and He sees every tear you cry that no one else sees. He sees every mistake you have made and He already reconciled it on the Cross. Won't you surrender all that you are, all that you have to His will, His purpose and His heart for you.
Whew, okay. Here's where we now simply live life together where we meet in the middle of the webs together, shared hearts and building each other up in Jesus Name. I look forward to one day meeting you but I know for now, I am placing my heart of thanksgiving and worship on these pages for you to receive His great hope and encouragement.
His heart is FOR you!! There's nothing needed to qualify you to come to Jesus. Just Come, just as you are.
God Bless you and thank you for taking the extended time to read this long introduction. I hope you have a feel of who I am, where I am coming from and why I am here.
God Bless you and thank you for taking the extended time to read this long introduction. I hope you have a feel of who I am, where I am coming from and why I am here.
Grace upon Grace!
Blessings, Michele
You are an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteI too struggle with perfectionism. It is a sick disease that one can never win. I am glad God has accepted me flaws and all. Thank you for admitting your faults and sharing them. It is hard to do sometimes. You are an inspiration.
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