For most of my life, my time with the Lord was satisfied on Sundays, Wednesdays and Bible studies. It wasn't until 2008 that my quiet times were times I desired and carved out to spend with the Lord. In the beginning, it was something I knew I was suppose to do and I did my best to complete whatever days of homework I could, never sacrificing my sleep or play time to get it done. If I had 30 minutes to get it done, I would, otherwise, nada! Time with God was never something I craved, until I was desperate and then I coveted it.
As I walked through the season of healing beginning in 2008, meditating, confessing, claiming, memorizing The Word of God was absolutely necessary. I had tried everything Google had to offer but they didn't work. God didn't allow it to. I believe the whole reason He allowed the season of physical crisis through panic attacks was to get my spiritual attention and cause me to cling to Him. Of course any thing other than Him would fail. He caused them to fail. Some techniques helped but nothing would heal me. Like a prescription pill that my life depended on, I took a dose of Jesus every morning before my feet hit the ground, throughout the day, through the evening and even during waking nights. I clung fearfully to the Cross.
It was nothing but desperation and obedience that drove my devotion and time with the Lord. It was something I had to do even when I did not feel like it, I knew it was necessary to my life-walk. Until that point, I hadn't been able to stay on task and be disciplined to study or spend time with Him or in His Word. And, I had no accountability. No one in my life asked me about my walk. Bible study questions don't reflect personal relationship. They simple reflect you could find the right answer.
My love for God really didn't match my time spent with Him. But, as days went on, I found that my obedience began to shift to desire. I began to feel His power again. I sensed His peace deep in my soul. I heard Him again for the first time in a loooong time. I soon realized I made lots of excuses. I dismissed the warnings that I was headed to a cliff. I began to see His heart for me. He gave me strength when I was weak. He made me feel life again. He was my only hope. He became my greatest love, not because of all He was actively doing for me, and not even for what He had done in Calvary for me, but for who He is. I cannot help but anticipate time with Him alone, to worship at His feet with complete awe and joy and reverent fear.
My love for God really didn't match my time spent with Him. But, as days went on, I found that my obedience began to shift to desire. I began to feel His power again. I sensed His peace deep in my soul. I heard Him again for the first time in a loooong time. I soon realized I made lots of excuses. I dismissed the warnings that I was headed to a cliff. I began to see His heart for me. He gave me strength when I was weak. He made me feel life again. He was my only hope. He became my greatest love, not because of all He was actively doing for me, and not even for what He had done in Calvary for me, but for who He is. I cannot help but anticipate time with Him alone, to worship at His feet with complete awe and joy and reverent fear.
I fell in consuming love with my Lord God, Abba Daddy, Friend of Sinners and Prince of Peace. He redeemed me and set me free from captivity! What a great God! What great love! What great patience! How stubborn and righteous had I become trying to be good enough. What amazing grace that saved a wrench like me. I once was blind but now I see. I was lost and now I am found!!! AMEN!!!
Just as our relationships between each other grow, so did mine with the Lord. The more time you spend with someone, the more experiences you have and history develops. You get to know their heart and spirit. My relationship with the Lord deepened greatly through this process of depending on Him for my everything, including my next breath. I got a glimpse of His goodness and power, realizing the depth of His love. I pray to now forever, faithfully walk in it.
A few months after I celebrated complete freedom from the bondage fear had once had on me, PRAISE THE LORD, God took me through lots of exercises and applications and I am impacted by one of them I thought I'd share with you, it was kinda fun, although inconvenient. He told me to pick up trash. Yes, trash, on the floor, anywhere, but not just everything I saw. I felt the nudge in my spirit which trash to get and which to walk past. It was a surreal experience. I was honestly a little annoyed at times. I'm not a huge germ-a-phobe, however, I do like germ-free environments, hands, high charis, tables, car seats, shopping carts, door handles, etc. Part Mom, part Michele!!
Anyway, I would be walking into the store and God would say, Pick up that one. And knew which one. I'd even go to grab an extra piece next to it and I would would sense the No! Don't touch. I didn't understand it then but I do now. Listen and obey. It doesn't always make sense to us and it simply doesn't have to. God is God. He is the Potter and we are the clay! And yes, my kids thought I was silly. I didn't make a big deal about it at the time cuz how crazy?!? They would play the "game" with me thinking they were being good samara tins and sometimes I couldn't take it. They had to deal with what they had. You are probably thinking the same thing right now!! I know, I was right there too!
After I realized what He was trying to show me, it would be hard to pen it all out, but I think you get the just of it, my soul developed a readiness to listen and heed to His voice. I learned a lot from this exercise of listening, obeying, God's way vs mine.
Let go of Pride: I didn't want someone to see me carrying the trash, thinking I or one of my children had done it.
It was gross to me to touch someone elses' trash. I wasn't always convenient...to my car, into church, in a hurry to get in and out, other stuff in my hands, etc.
Listening better: I began to hear His voice over mine. He mattered more.
Ownership: I was responsible for my (hypothetical) trash, no one else's and no one to blame for what I was responsible for.
Ownership: I was responsible for my (hypothetical) trash, no one else's and no one to blame for what I was responsible for.
Anticipation: There were times I attempted to be distracted, hoping God would not call on me, but He did. It was almost like a game, and it was mildly amusing. Like I could fool God, good grief. I learned humble obedience and keen awareness of His presence.
A few months later, God began to stir in me and I felt His familiar nudgings...whether it was bringing people into my path to encourage or deal with, choices I had to make that weren't pleasant, sensing warfare around me quicker, doing something I needed to do even when I didn't want to....I trusted and depended on His leading. It is true...we are sheep that have gone astray and we need to know the Shepherd's voice. We are lost without Him and will take 40 years to make an 11 day journey if we walk pouting, kicking and screaming, avoiding or making excuses, complaining all the way across the desert.
Serving God is not always easy or convenient. Just like handling the dishes, dusting, dealing with difficult people or situations, I do them out of obedience wishing I didn't have to but because I love my family and it's my love for them that I do, because I'm supposed to. Eventhough I greatly love the Lord and am sensitive to His nudges, there are still days and weeks I don't wanna pick up "trash." Sometimes, loving is just faithfulness to keep on towards the goal...which is living for Him..His way, not mine.
Loving God IS easy. Out of that overflow, we can more readily serve others as He chooses, in the way He chooses. We are never wasting our time if we are doing what God tells us to do!!
Nothing is just as it seems. Be intentional on listening for His voice. Be careful not to have a one way relationship with God. Speak to Him AND listen to Him. Wait on Him. Do whatever He asks and it's okay to ask why but know He may not be able to explain it to you. It's better to just ask "how Lord?" Sometimes it is about you, but often it is about someone else. You never know what God is working out around us. Maybe we will help, plant seeds, intercede, rebuke as we go. How can we love someone else if we don't have that love first? How do we share hope if we ourselves don't have any? How do we know what to do if we can't hear Him? How do we know where to go and what to do when we get there? Which way do we turn at the crossroads? Trust your Shepherd.
May you too begin in simple, intentional obedience if you must and allow God to mold your heart, open your mind and stretch your spiritual muscles so that you can run the race set before you, endure the trials, receive the grace He has for you....you may have to deal with some trash! You will soon be led by desire and not discipline. Forget Google and Go to God!!!! It will be through this discipline to listen, follow and obeying that blessings will come, with the biggest blessing being The Lord Himself, knowing Him more. Deeper love. Genuine love. Get it and go!
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