When I am funky, I feel like screaming and crying but then laughter seems much better! There is a part of me that wants to run away to my cave and another part of me that wants to connect with a friend and vent out the feelings. Then comes the thought, well....I don't want to be a Whiner and it really isn't a big deal (most o f the time anyway), so I most often keep quiet and visit my little cave for a bit. I like my cave cuz God always meets me in this secret location!! Praise the God of Everywhere!
When I feel stuff I don't want to be feeling, I tend to busy myself and ignore the issues and "just keep swimming." (Sweeping is more like it, really.) There are times it just passes and I can move on; however on these longer journeys/processes God has done with me lately, I have HAD to face it and so the battle begins. I resist it. I either wear down or begin to get frustrated/overwhelmed/depressed. I can't keep "not handling it."
It's then I must stop. The hardest part is stopping because I don't want to stop and yet I have to. When I get still before God and into a spirit of surrender, at first my mind races and complains and I try to force out all that I have been trying to NOT think about, and yet I want it to just get out and quit shoving it back in. I must allow the thoughts to be there, being completely honest (as if you can hide something from God-He knows our thoughts before we even think them) and allow God to take them. Almost like handing them over on a platter to the Lord.
Most recently, I had to get to this place of letting go and I fought a good fight. The the time had come to stop busying myself to avoid feeling the yucky feelings. It takes a few minutes to settle the mind when it is racing. Learning muscle relaxation techniques, putting on music (worship or acoustic) and deep breathing really helps with settling into a quietness. Much like a child, we need to stop playing and look our Father in the eyes so that we can pay full attention to what He has to say.
Sometimes it feels like I am so mad, I throw these feelings back at God saying, "Just take this. I am DONE with it!" Other times, it is an "God, I am scared, angry, worn-out, overwhelmed and frustrated and I just can't keep going like this. Pleeeease take this from me and refresh my soul. Give me rest."
In a recent post I mentioned to you my anger towards God regarding my toddler's diagnosis of PFS. That one particular night, I had become soooo angry with God I could neither fall prostrate on the ground and hit my fists on the floor and as I tried to lift my hands towards Him, my hands became fists of anger. Oh, I was mad with Him. I stood there looking up to the Lord, stretched out my arms to the side and with tears just asked "Why?! Why didn't You heal Him tonight as it seemed You had. I was giving You all the glory and honor for my baby's healing and it was not done." (Circumstances earlier that evening had lead me to fully believe he had been healed so I was full of joy and praise!)
In that quick moment, God firmly replied back to me, "Be thankful it is not worse. Look how I HAVE provided. If you want him to experience seizures and high fevers, putting him in and out of the hospital each month, I can make that happen!!"
My head lowered, followed by my out stretched arms. How could I have been so angry with the One who loves my child millions more than I even love him? This is my Father who saved me from the pit of hell, has extended endless grace and mercy to me and yet I was so angry and questioning His ways?! I dare not EVER to do this. I never imagined I would and yet here I was. I was certainly put in my place, reminded of His authority, power and sovereignty. I could not have hid my thoughts from Him for He knows them before I do.
In our moments of anger, frustration, grief, sadness, abandonment, it is important to call on the Holy Spirit to guard you with self-control and patience. With self-control and patience, we are able to keep a reign on our flesh by remaining in love, peace, joy, gentleness and faithfulness through our "funky moments." When we close our flesh eyes and open our spiritual eyes, we will see truth and in that truth, we will find rest which gives us peace and it is in peace we have joy. (I Thess 5:16-18)
The practice of self-control and patience allows us to remain centered, God-centered. His ways are always better and He never wastes our time or our hurts. I must choose daily to be fully God-aware, to trust Him no matter where He leads me that wherever He takes me I am safe and there is a plan greater than my limited eyes can see. Submission and surrender is my part, the rest is God's. He leads. I follow. Nothing is hidden from His sight. He sees everything. This was a lesson I only learned nearly 2 years ago. I must choose daily, affirming His Lordship over my life.
Whether in the heat of a moment or in exhaustion, we can enter into this "nakedness" before God, revealing all I am and ask for Him to restore and refresh. In this there is rest. There is peace. For a season, this was a daily thing I had to do to let go of what I said and ask God to replace it with what He said. As I learn to do less sweeping, I will experience more cleansing, amen!!
Father God, it is so easy to be joyful when things are going according to what I hope for and enjoy, but it is not easy when things happen that hurt, anger or sadden me. Lord, thank You that I can never out run Your grace and love. Thank You for seeking me out when I am hiding from the rest of the world. You see me completely, good and bad and yet Your self-control...and patience with me...Your love for me, I cannot comprehend.
Forgive my lack of self-control when I act out in my flesh. You deserve all honor and praise simply because You are The Lord God Almighty. Regardless of what I think or feel, the truth is, I love You, I only want You and I am desperately in need of You and You love me, You want me and You will never abandon me. Thank You for peace that surpasses all my understanding, You are gracious and loving. Forgive me, hear my prayers, see my heart and cleanse my mind. Lead me beside Your still waters and grant me rest in Your pastures. I love You with all my heart, mind and strength. amen!
"Be Still my soul Be Still. Wait patiently for the Lord."
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