Yes, this may surprise you to read a blog from me about "initiating." And to my Husband who is reading this, don't get all excited...I am not talking about "THAT." I know, busted the Happy Bubble!! hahaha (You should grab a cup of hot tea and a snack cuz I couldn't figure out how to shorten this so get ready for a long conversation!! Keeping it real:)
So then what in the world am I referring to if I am not talking about Marital Initiating? I am actually referring to every relationship we have. This includes all personal and professional relationships. I specifically am burdened to discuss the relationship we have with our friends and with our children.
Generally speaking, It Takes Two to make any relationship work. In the workplace, the employer should care for and instruct the employee just as the employee should care for and invest into the company they work for. As a Teacher instructs the classroom of kids, the kids should also seek out the Teacher for help (and a little Thank You I am sure would be appreciated!!). Within our marriages, of course the Man is the head of the home, but it should not be solely up to him to plan dates and "encounters." Both partners should give all they have to eachother. Neither the Romantic nor the Money Maker bears the sole responsibility of initiating anything (conflict resolutions, activities, intimacy, financial planning, etc).
Now, to the friendships and our children...
Like a marriage, our friendships are the bonding of two persons of different interests, backgrounds, giftedness, resources, habits, desires and maybe even motives or expectations. We have heard it a million times and see the sweet poems that describe how God gives us certain people for a certain season of time to accomplish something within us. I agree. Have we really thought about it though...what that means to both persons? Assuming God has crossed your paths, then what are your expectations? Do you expect them to meet all your needs? Hope they will be a good friend to you? Are you waiting on them to initiate a play date or coffee with you? What about your part? If you want a healthy friendship, it will take both of you to serve one another. To get a friend, you ought to be a friend!
About our children...this is really my issue today. I began "chewing" on the issue of "initiating" after watching the AWESOME movie Courageous. If you have not seen it, go out and rent it, or better yet, buy it ASAP!!! Watch it with your family, especially the Man of the house. One scene bothered me and made me think. I will try not to be too specific so I don't give anything away, but there is a main character who is a Teenager. He feels "unloved and "unheard." He probably sees himself as invisible to the world. Then, a crisis comes and he finds himself in isolation. I looked at him and thought, How selfish when others are in the same boat, suffering equally. Instead of pouting, Can't he get up and offer a little bit compassion to another? Maybe do something that needs to get done? Take out the trash?!? Give Mom a cup of water or a kleenex? It's as if he's waiting to be served or needed.
Now, I know, I have already had this conversation in my head as I worked this through. ...there's the natural progression of maturity, however, Teens (or children in general) are not some helpless people group that need to be cuddled and extended extra grace as they try to find themselves. To a point yes, completely babied? No! Even my 5 year old has seen me struggle with my groceries and ran up to open the door for me a time of two!! We all need to be encouragers, not enablers...seekers, not squatters!!
We can pout can't we when we don't get our way? We just pound our feet to the ground and stomp off to our "I'll be waiting in my room for you to come make me feel better." Sure, there are times we are truly victims of an abuse or offense and it does hurt and we do withdraw for a time to work out the wrong which has been done to us. I am not referring to legitimate times of need. I can tell you for sure that there have been seasons in my life that I was no good to anyone for I was drowning in my circumstances, and my loving and faithful family and friends were certainly carrying the my side of the relationship with them. I had nothing to give...I was hurting, not pouting.
I was making dinner the other night and my own teen walked in from playing with his friends and sat straight down on the couch to watch TV. There I was buzzing around the kitchen trying to pull it all together and his Dad was out on the grill. It hit me when I heard, "How much longer till we eat? I am soooooo hungry!!!!! I'm soooo bored....."" I looked over at him and replied, "Why don't YOU take the initiative and offer some help so we can get this out faster? Why do I always have to be the one asking for help? Or how about YOU go ask DAD if he wants any help on the grill. Or see if he wants to throw the football or talk about the big game about to start!?!" He looked at me like, "Oh, I guess I could. I was just waiting."Gee, what a brilliant idea?!? Offer help or friendship instead of waiting to be served. When did we get to the place that parents must ask in order for something to be done and kids must wait to be asked? None of our other relationships work that way. It ought to be a Give-Give.
I do know that my self-sufficient self, and my self-sufficient husband have contributed to this partially. When the kids are little and they are constantly under our feet, trying to get anything done takes twice as long working around them, so we distract them off to go play until we call for them. Cleaning up the house is faster when they are out of the way and we can fly through it and get the job done. Of course, as they have gotten older, we are able to ASK, delegate, chores/helps. I feel like we are constantly asking the kids to "Please go...(fill in the blank)."
Also, our high expectations may have also shyed them away from trying anything for the fear of being corrected once again. I don't think this is a problem that we alone face in our home. Are we the only Parents who feel like they have to pull teeth to get things done at all, much less done correctly?!? I believe we have taught them to serve and help but I don't know that we have given them opportunities to actually walk out those teachings consistently. They are great about helping when asked, no doubt. But are they great about initiating and self-less serving??? I'm not so sure.
I am grateful that God has shown me see this while the relationship with my kids is in a good place where we all enjoy eachother's company. It would be much more difficult to encourage a rebellious teen to "initiate." So before we end up there, we will begin practicing "initiating" around the Dickerson Homstead for all those between the ages of 5-45yrs old!! The bible does clearly teach the order of authroity in the home and in ministry and even in the workplace. But within the boundaries of authority, He instructs us to serve one another, encourage one another and love another. To be patient and generous. To consider others more significant than ourselves. To stop being a baby and eat meat!! May we "grow up" and begin initiating.
And a word of encouragement to those of you who feel like they are the sole initiator in a relationship and feel frustrated wondering when the other will ever "return the love/favor." First, is it you? Take a minute and check your expectations. Are you expecting more than they can give? Are you expecting something back to validate something in you? Be sure to check your heart that you don't fall under the category of a Co-Dependent People Pleaser, needing constant affirmations to feel appreciated. Take a step back and look at the core of the realtionship. What is it based on? What do you think the purpose is with that person (even parent or spouse.)
Or, is it God? God may have placed you in a particular relationship (friend, co-worker, spouse) because they needed a sharpening from God through you. You may be initiating initially (say that 5 times fast-heehee!!). You may begin in a way that has the stronger of the two persons putting forth the most effort in the beginning. It should not remain that way. Even the student (receiver) should put for the needed effort to learn. God gives life and when you share Love in Jesus name, there will be life and growth will happen on both sides, even if in different ways. God is not a time-waster. Just when you think you are the one giving, you realize what you have been given to as well. Your original milk fest will become a meaty buffet in due time.
If you are that Giver, be patient, wait on God's timing and don't expect anything more than God's expectations on you. This is only accomplished through His grace and your discernment, patience and wisdom. Don't rush. Don't push. Don't despair. Do your part to lead and let God work out the rest.
I pray that in our It's All About Me culture, we will pay more attention to serving others. May we not sit around waiting for something to happen but pray about God giving us opportunities to make something happen!!
I cannot wait to initiate!!!!!
"As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms."
I Peter 4:2,8-10
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