No Ordinary Toilet ~ It's My PaRty Potty!!
Yes, you heard me correctly...this is a picture of My PaRty Potty! It has been over 2 years since I had my PaRty and it was such a sweet joy to come back to this place. As you know, December 2008 was certainly not my favorite season. When the initial panic attacks began, I was prescribed Xanax to take "as needed." Well, I HATE taking pills otherthan my vitamins. I am a minimalist I suppose. I had several people tell me they would take half a pill now and then after a tough day, and one nurse even said she takes one before each of her son's football games to help her relax!! It seemed like a simple and common thing to do for many.
This was NOT a happy pill for me, nor was it the "quick-fix" I was sooooo desperately seeking. It made me drag (not relax), and my heart continued to race. I would take it knowing in 30 minutes I'd be laying down seemingly taking a nap, but I wasn't. I was vegged out, out of it. My mind still raced with panic and yet my body was "done." After 12 hours, when it wore off, my body would amp right back up, almost worse, with my heart palpitating and my mind whirling, causing me to need to take the other half. When Day 2 came around, I saw how this cycle would be one without an end. I would not be able to stop. Not because I liked it but I feared the cycle of having to have it would not end and I was not willing to keep taking these. I was miserable, exhausted and saddened that my "quick-fix" was failing me.
I suppose like many things in our life, unless you have personally walked in the shoes, it's hard to understand it and this was so with the few friends and family close to me. They reminded me how patient of a person I was, that all would be okay, I just needed to take deep breaths, recognize the truth of the matter during any given episode, I needed to remember God loves me and that I was strong. These were all things I would say too. However, looking back, I believe God clearly allowed me to have an adverse response to the pill so that it wouldn't be my fix....HE wanted to be my fix.
You know I was crying out to God every moment of every day to fix me, take this from me. I did know He loved me and I did know that the sky was not falling, and did know that the plane wasn't (odds are-heehee) going to crash...He was waiting for me. I was searching for His rescue and help, but He wanted me to search for Him. This goes very deep and wide for me, so I pray that God will just speak to your heart what He may desire for you to know, I could write forever on every single thing that came from this season.
SO...I decided that I would never take the pills again and I would simply trust God to fix me, breathe deep and trust myself to handle the moments. However, I didn't toss the pills. I kept them as "back up" and "Plan B." I mean, I had prayed and begged Him to fix me and He hadn't so, I better have them just in case I was in a moment that needed intervention. Or, being totally honest, if Grace didn't come, if God didn't show up, I could take care of it somewhat. How this must have grieved Him in those fearful fits of mine. It was my flesh crying out and not my spirit.
I soon fell under great conviction. I knew that I was holding on to them because I wasn't fully trusting God. I did not have control over God but I did have control over Me, so I had my plan. I had what would be sufficient for me. So, I kept them in my purse, just in case...my little security blanket to fall back on. I knew I wasn't trusting Him fully and completely. This had nothing to do with how much I love my God, I just didn't trust Him as much as I loved Him. The boundaries of my relationship with the Lord at that time was simply Lord my Savior for my salvation and Best Friend to the lonely. I didn't fully understand that He could be, wanted to be, soooo much more.
God began to reveal to me His awareness of my secret thoughts. I knew God knew our very thoughts, but in the midst of confusion, it's so easy to justify and excuse our way. "It was just in case I had to...." The teacher has called out His student. The Father has chastised His child. I once was lost and know I had been found. I was blind, then I could see. The pills had to go. Not because I didn't want them but because they were my mini-God, the magic in a bottle, my little wishes I had power to grant myself instead of trusting my God for grace in perfect portion for the moment. After some wrestling and fighting and eventual confession in my heart, mind and spirit, I let it go, ashamed, embarrassed and fearful but by faith knowing God would be my rescue because I had come to know Him in a way that I knew that I knew He'd be ALL I ever needed.
I called up my mentor at the time and we emptied the bottle into our hands and praised Jesus as we tossed them into the potty. What freedom!! I was no longer able to rely on self any more. I handed Jesus my body, mind and soul in that moment. He became my very help in the time of trouble. He became my Breath. He became my desperate answer. He became my greatest Love. He was faithful and forgiving, of this Doubting Peter and frightful Peter. HE was now Plan A thru Z for me. HE was now EVERYTHING!!!
I admit my first thought was, "Oh no and Oh yah! What have I done??? and Look what HE has done!!! AMEN!!" I'd like to be able to say (in my pride) that I prayed and trusted and let go of my cares, but when you are in the middle of crashing and consuming waves, you cannot help but be frightened. Yes, there was peace but it equaled the amount of trust I had. The more I trusted Him, the more peace I received. It was a process. It's almost as if I took what I needed instead of receiving all He had to give. Oh, the lessons we learn when we cross the bridge to the other side of "Whatever!"
So, this potty is my living (ceramic) stone. Recently, my bible study homework was to recall the people, places, circumstances that have been significant in our life, drawing us closer to Christ. Then I read Joshua 4, and there was my stone! I knew it as soon as I laid my eyes on it. God IS faithful!! In our journey to Him, not only do we have the counsel of the Holy Spirit whom He has sent us, not only are we covered and spoken for, but He is kind enough to also give us each other~ The Body. God sends His hugs, love, help, blessings, reminders, encouragement and admonishment through our interactions with others. Oh how grateful I am to look down my journey road and see the many shoe prints along this path. Some are still fresh while others have faded, but the imprints are still there. The impact (good or bad) we have on eachother is eternal, it's more than just for the moment. God's seeds take root. His Light fills the longest and darkest crevices of our innermost being.
Do you have any "secrets" you think you are keeping from God? Do you have any of your own mini-Gods in your back pocket? It takes a huge bite of humble pie to confess this but we first must be willing to look honestly inside our heart, mind, soul and spirit. Then we must lay all pride aside and humble ourself before our Lord and Mighty King and confess, asking for forgiveness. Healing will come when we exchange our way for His way. And the hardest lesson I had to learn was that healing may not come as I have asked, begged or had a fit for. His faithfulness prevails and His provisions are endless, His glory and our good will result according to His perfect plan. I believe He can heal upon a single request. I also believe that He will not heal us in a single breath if there is a journey we need to take along a different path than the one we are looking at so that we will move closer to Him as well as allowing our testimony to be a living stone/testimony, drawing others to Him.
This is my constant prayer, that God will grant me courage to share my living stones with others, so that when you see them, you see The Rock, not the girl.
Maybe you need to set out some stones, marked remembrances. Our Pastor spoke about journaling just this past Sunday on the great blessings of journaling His faithfulness so that in the midst of the storms, we will remember that The One who holds the wind, rain and waves in His grip, also holds us. Trust Him. Look back and see the shoe prints. Look ahead to His promises. Look next to you, there may be a new set of shoes!!
PS. We ALL go through tough times, so be encouraged that while you may feel alone and ashamed, you are surrounded by Love. Reach out to your Abba Daddy and Lord of All, the Great I Am and He will send rescue, not to fix you, but bring you back home to Him. Whether in this life or in Glory, healing will come.
***Sidenote: to be clear- do not hear me saying something I am not. If you are taking meds, that doesn't mean you are not trusting God. If you are taking meds, it is not a sin issue. Only you know through the revelation of the Holy Spirit if the meds are in place of God. If they are your mini-Gods, to avoid facing reality and God fully and completely. Sometimes we need the meds to balance us chemically so that we may be at a physical rest to receive emotional and spiritual rest, healing, counsel and ultimately, to hear the voice of God amongst the noise. We just cannot let our meds act in the place of God, our Healer and Counselor, Redeemer an Rescue.
"Rock On" everyone!!!!!
Michele
"And Joshua said to them, "Pass on before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' 7 then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." Joshua 4:5-7
"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." I Peter 4:19
