The Rock.

The Heart of God.

My Rock. My Foundation. My Heart. My God.

It amazes me even as I type this that it has been over 4 years in which God rescued my heart, mind and soul from complete destruction. There was a time when the lies of the enemy were so loud and so real. I could hear them. I could feel them deep. You can read through many of the passages throughout God's Word and hear the pleas, groanings, anguish and heartache of God's people. Sin is Sin but pain is not just pain. Just as the medical professions ask you to label your pain on a scale of 1-10, we could easily use the same scale for the pain of our hearts and souls. Some days, weeks or even seasons are identified by a marked "2" on the pain scale, whereas others are an intolerable "11." Yah, I hear you...we have all been there.

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.   Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.   He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many."

II Corinthians 1:8b-11 

God brought into my life a woman who would not only Counsel me out of my pit, but became also a dear Mentor and Sister in Christ, walking with me, teaching me, encouraging me and even daring me to stay out of and away from the pit and remain clinging for dear life on my Lord. Healing was certainly a process and looking back, it came quickly, while I can tell you right then, in the middle of it, it was laborous.

Our family had planned a roadtrip to New Mexico, a favorite family destination but I was not so sure about the trip. Anxiety still had a hold of my hem. In this process of fear to faith, the faith suffocated fear, day by day. Here were were headed on a trip that I wasn't sure I could make. Knowing my anxiety, she gave me a card and prayed for me the day before we left. The card would become very profound in my life. A life treasure not realized yet.

Our family loaded up and hit the road. Nearly the entire way, I seemed to work hard at maintaining my peace and calmness. I could have counted every breath, through every passing mile. My fear revealed itself to me in many ways, claustrophobia and agoraphobia being two constant and strong ones. I was determined however, not to give in to their sting of death in my body. Truth was, these fears were real to me. Truth was also, I was clinging desperately to my Heavenly Father, my Authority and Strong Tower.

If fear were the ice cubes in my tea, then Grace was my sweet tea to drink, and the Holy Spirit my lemon! The ice is there controlling the temperature but content of the drink is our flavor and nutrition or satisfaction and the lemon is our kick, the extra special sweetness and surprise. Fear may be there for a while, but it will not remain forever. It melts, consumed by the drink!! Praise God for Sweet Lemon Tea!! lol

I was in constant thanksgiving to the Lord for His provision and Peace, His grace that proveded a "sweet" ride across the many, many, many miles! Of course, once we settled in to the house, we were off again...to face the 2 mile high ski lift, some would say a death-defying 15 minute ride to the top of the Angelfire mountain to play a round of Frisbe Golf. Okay, I had ridden this chair lift years previous and didn't care for it then. Now, laced with "real" fear and anxiety, I was especially nervous...actually, no...fear-full!! Let me see if I can find a picture and if you can understand the heighth of this thing...

Going in Grace, I hopped on. We made it (alive!!!!!) to the top and my adrenaline exploded throughout my body. I don't know if it was the deep sigh of relief or the fact I probably held my breath the past 15 minutes or the sheer joy that I was alive and facing my fears!! It seems that the physical body doesn't always follow the thinking of the mind for my mind was not fearing, but rejoicing. A shot of cortisol is a shot of cortisol, the reasoning irrelevant.

As common with panic or anxiety attacks, I became very out of breath and a little disoriented, although that could have been the altitude too. Who can stand miles high looking over a cliff and not feel a little unsure of your steps?!?  The rest of the family was pushing forward, so I took a step back and sat that game out. Left to my own thinking, I got up and took a walk to walk off some of the adrenaline, slowing down the breathing and do a little prayer walking. Tears filled my heart with joy for fears melted and Grace given...and yet frustration that I was dealing with this in my life. Will I always be so "messed up" Lord? Do my kids see me as ridiculous and weak? Is my husband disappointed and embarrassed by me? Can I ever be normal again?

God, please tell me You are still in control, that You have a better plan for me.

Then, there it was. Among the white/tan mountain landscape, just inches before me, appeared a grey rock. A heart shaped rock. Right infront of me. (I've always been drawn to polka dots and hearts, rather than splashy patterns, butterflies or birds. Just a side note-lol!) This time, it was different. That heart was a real treasure!! My spirit jumped immediately to the card I had just recieved. The Rock. I could hear Him saying these words to me, "God's never taken His eye off of you. Not for a millisecond. He's always near. He lives to hear your heartbeat. He loves to hear your prayers." I picked up that precious heart-shaped rock and held it tight in my hand, squeezing it with all I had. I was holding on to My Rock. The Rock that has me steady and strong. Always had. Always will.

This "heart" of God has become a symbol of His promises to me, of His faithfulness and grace and ever-watching eye over me. Regardless of where I am, I cannot escape Him. Whatever I am feeling, I can count on His sufficient grace. The lies that come against me are quickly met with the Truth of Who He is. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." I John 4:18

The heart has become that of a treasure to me. On my journey with the Lord, I often "find" hearts along the way that I know without doubt are meant specifically for me in that moment. They are a remembrance, assurance that He is near and His eye is on me then, and always. I remember going on a bike ride by myself, having a bit of a hard day and there was my heart...in the middle of the sidewalk, bright and yellow. No other leaves around. I was encouraged and refreshed. Many trials, bad days, fearful moments, anxious thoughts patterns have almost always been met with the undeniable "heart" of God. Just today, I was out snorkeling and there it was again...

God is sweet, gentle and kind and often funny to me. Always deep adoration, humility and reverent fear, but there is such a beautiful side I think we miss sometimes. God was always Judge and Mr Fix It Counselor in my eyes and never Abba Daddy or Friend. I have sooo treasured Him in my heart as I have learned to walk in fellowship with Him. There is nothing boring (as my teen would say) about a relationship with our Lord God. It's exciting!! As the ole hymn says, "Better is one day in Your House than thousands elsewhere." I believe that with all my heart and soul!! Every day is another opportunity to find the "heart" of God! I love that my kids have noticed my affinity for all things "heart" and often gift me with hearts they find. My son found a huge heart shaped leaf on his way home from school and brought it home to me, presenting it to me with such joy!! We noticed flowers and rocks and even clouds floating above, all full of promises!

Jesus LOVES me this I KNOW!!!! God, help me know it better, trust it more.

Jesus LOVES YOU, this I know too!!!! God, show Yourself in such a way to those searching, that joy consumes them and shakes them up from the inside out. May it be exciting as they find the treasure of You!!!

Won't you seek the "heart" of God today and ask Him to show it to you in a way that is undeniably Him. No doubt, with all assurance and joy, that you too may believe and trust that He is near!!!